Theory of Love

We Can (No Longer) Be Friends

 

The seniors left. I sit at the foot of Third's bed, watching him grab a towel and walk into the bathroom. We haven't said a word to each other since Chen and that bastard have gone. I'm feeling like a loser because I keep thinking about the request.

 

Get out of the way? You think that's so funny? I didn't say yes to that request and chose to stay quiet 'til he stopped asking, but I was boiling with anger inside. I won't let anyone touch Third, even though I was shocked by the fact that Un likes Third. I told him I liked Third, but that bastard still pointed his finger, telling his friend to help him. To be frank, there aren't many respectable groups of seniors. One of them is Chen. Everyone does whatever he asks them to do, except me.

 

It doesn't take long for Third to shower. He soon comes out in a white shirt and worn-out football shorts. His head's covered with a towel, as always, because he likes to wash his hair at night. I always complain about it.

 

"Dry it properly."

 

"It'll dry by itself." He argues with a straight face.

 

"Your bed will be damp. The mould has taken over your pillow."

 

"Then don't use my pillow."

 

"Possessive of it?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"You're not making sense." He purses his lips but still obeys. He rubs the towel on his head so hard that I feel hurt in his stead. This is like déja vu. This sight has recurred many times over the two years we've been friends.

 

"Go take a shower. Grab the shirt you want to wear in the closet." Noticing that I've been watching him for a while, he tells me to take a shower. I don't refuse; I stand up and walk towards him.

 

"Give me the towel."

 

"In the closet."

 

"No, I'll use the one on your head." I don't wait; I quickly pull the white towel out of his hand. Third gets angry and smacks my head so hard that I see the white light.

 

"This one is for the head. I don't allow you to use it to wipe your dick," he yells.

 

"It can wipe anywhere. You're so fussy. It's annoying."

 

"There's a new one in the closet. Why don't you use it? Asshead."

 

"Telling me to do things like this, are you, my wife?" Silence suddenly fills the room. He steps away from me and flees to the bed like a child. I don't say anything more and hurry to shower so that I'll have more time to do something in bed with him.

 

Un, at least I'm one step ahead of you today. Who else would be so blessed like Khai, who got a chance to sleep on the bed with his loving friend in this lonely mood?

 

When I come back out and see him play on his phone on the bed, I crawl up and lie down by his side, leaning out to see what he's doing. He's having fun scrolling through feeds on his social media sites. There's nothing serious, so I grab this chance to start a conversation.

 

"How long has it been since the last time I slept over?" I say evenly but still get his attention. He glances at me for a second and turns back to his phone.

 

"Dunno. Don't remember."

 

"But everything's still the same, isn't it?"

 

"What are you yammering about?" He scolds me quietly and lies down on the pillow, hand still scrolling on the phone screen. I don't waste a second and lay my head on the pillow beside him.

 

"Your hair smells good lately. Didn't you say you hated the apple scent?" I like the scent of this shampoo so much. I always pestered him to buy it when we went to the mall, but he never did, saying it wasn't expensive enough and wasn't his style.

 

"Who said I like it? I used up the previous shampoo."

 

"That's the point. You used up the previous one and bought this one instead."

 

"I didn't buy it."

 

".."

 

"You left it here, don't you remember?"

 

"Did I?"

 

"You probably don't remember because you left them in many rooms." He sneers. I don't give up and quickly explain myself. I'm actually happy that Third doesn't cut me off to the extent that he's thrown away everything that gave him.

 

"That's not it. I thought you threw it away."

 

"It doesn't expire. It'd be a waste to dump it." I smile. He looks at me with those big eyes, but his expression is still the same, indifferent.

 

"Well, anyway, don't you make videos on YouTube anymore?" I pretend to ask, knowing he must be done with having one-sided feelings for me, but I still want to hear it directly from him.

 

"Do I look like I have time for that? I barely have time to breathe because of the stage play."

 

"What if I help you?"

 

"You said you didn't like to do a review for the sake of popularity and that I should take care of my own channel. Don't you remember?"

 

"Can't I change my mind? Something I've never thought I'd do or like could turn out to be the other way around someday, you know. What do you expect from our hearts?"

 

"Yeah, our hearts.." His murmur sends a chill down my skin. A change of mind is surely a pleasant thing, but if that change makes Third get over me, that wouldn't be so pleasant.

 

"So, do you need my help?"

 

"Nah, I think I'll stop making videos for a while. You open your own channel."

 

"It's not the same."

 

"What do you wanna eat tomorrow?" There he goes. He's good at changing topics. Whatever. I've rarely been rejected in my life, but if the one rejecting me is Third, I can't do anything. Because I've fallen for him, falling so hard that I'm willing to get disappointed, but only with some things.

 

"I want to eat cereal in the star and crescent shapes."

 

"But you don't like that one."

 

"You made me like it, don't you remember?"

 

"I thought you were pretending."

 

"What the fuck? It tastes better than the chocolate flavour. It's sweet. Make it for me tomorrow." I say cutely, inching closer to him, but he moves away a bit to keep a proper distance.

 

"Is it so hard to pour it into a bowl with milk?"

 

"You always made it for me, don't you remember?"

 

"And I always told you I didn't want to, don't you remember?"

 

"Yeeeeeeeah?"

 

And we continue trying to win in the 'Don't You Remember?' competition all night long. I might be stupid, but I can remember all my memories with Third. I don't know if it's because we're friends or because he's more special than anyone. I don't even care much about Too and Bone.

 

And look at the person lying beside me. He's always been more privileged than anyone. Chen's request means nothing to me. I won't lose in this battle. If Un has the guts, then he should fight me face to face because I will never get out of his way.

 

Third and I wake up when it's almost ten in the morning. We eat cereal, shower, and get dressed, getting ready to go outside. Today, I have to tag along with my dear friend to the 'Original' shop, the most famous CD & DVD shop in the area around the university.

 

And what a sly devil I am. I leave Chawee by himself and get into Third's car so that I'll have an excuse to come back to his room. As far as I know, the Original shop has been open since our fathers' generation. The shop was renovated a few years ago because the owner changed, from Hia Bo to his son, Hia Term. His son has a specific style, so the old shop, full of cheap-looking piles of CDs and DVDs, has been highly upgraded.

 

We step out of the car and walk into the shop renovated into a loft. It's a two-story building with black metal stairs leading upstairs, where the space is a combination of indoor and outdoor areas. Each wall is made of different materials. One wall is made of raw concrete, while the other is built of bricks, creating a raw impression while still giving a warm vibe.

 

CD & DVD shelves are made of polished light-brown wood. They must be ordered to be built especially because the shelves fit the wall and the ceiling perfectly. We have our own favourite spots and often spend almost a whole day here choosing a CD. Sometimes we just sit here and enjoy the cosy atmosphere because there aren't many customers to bother us. 

 

Well… The CD & DVD business isn't as thriving as before. People choose the easier ways, such as downloading movies, and there are tons of ways to watch movies online. So, the shop's customers are mostly Film Kids.

 

"Oh, Khai, Third."

 

"Hi, Hia." Third and I greet him with a respectful gesture the moment he welcomes us.

 

"Long time no see. I thought you two were dead."

 

"Ah. We have to study and make a stage play. It's good enough that we can come today."

 

"Yeah, yeah, go choose the movie you want. Ask at the counter if you want rare movies. Enjoy." Third nods and goes up the stairs. This floor contains lots of old movies, counting down from the year 2000. There are quiet spots and cushions to sit on in front of a wide window.

 

Third stops at a shelf in a corner. I don't mess around with him; I respectfully stay in another aisle. I hear the repeated sound of the CD cases being put up and down. It takes a long time, so I walk to a cushion and sit on it, quietly watching him.

 

"What do you want to watch lately?" This is the first question I ask in the past fifteen minutes.

 

"I'm not sure. I'll just continue browsing. Sometimes I want CDs of movies I watched." Third comes back with The Silence of the Lambs from the shelf '1991' and the shop's movie list book.

 

"You're into psychotic movies now?"

 

"I'm not like you, who only have AVs" Shick! We swerve into my dark past, making the question I don't mean to ask slip out of my mouth.

 

"Why are you still with me when I'm such a scumbag?"

 

"Well, we're friends."

 

"..." His answer dispirits me in an instant. I'm disheartened.

 

"Any other reasons?"

 

"What kind of answer do you want? I already gave you a damn good one, and it has nothing to do with what a scumbag you are."

 

"You shit."

 

"Being friends is the best. Friendship lasts long."

 

“We haven't been friends for that long, just over two years."

 

"But it'll be long if we're lovers. I'll take care of you for the rest of my life."

 

"This is your pick-up line? Don't use it on girls. It's fucking lame." Goddamnit. I'm being serious here, but he thinks I'll say this to someone else, though I said it to him.

 

Third doesn't listen to me anymore. He moves his finger past the movie categories in a movie list book with full attention. Soon we hear footsteps coming close. They belong to Hia Term, the shop's owner, who's carrying a corrugated box up here. He says to us.

 

"Feel free to browse and enjoy yourself. I just came up to arrange the CDs I just got."

 

"Okay."

 

"What are you getting this time?"

 

"I'm still not sure," Third answers softly.

 

"Try the one that matches your current mood."

 

"Woah, if we're sad and watch sad movies, won't we be fricking depressed?" I argue.

 

"You guys still like it, though," Hia says, shaking his head, then he walks to a shelf to arrange the CDs, not paying attention to

us anymore. So I beg the person sitting close to me in a cute voice.

 

"Third... choose a movie for me."

 

Third, choose a movie for me, the one that matches my life right now.'

 

How can I know what kind of mood you're in?'

Come on, you know it. Choose one for me to watch tonight!

 

'Here, take this.'

 

'You think I'm in the mood for comedies right now?'

 

'Oh! So, no comedies. Then...this one.'

 

'Nobody in my family has died.'

 

This one?' 

 

You can't really guess my mood right now?'

Who would have so much time to guess your mood? 

 

This one is the last one.'

 

'Holy cooooow, Third, you're fucking awesome. 

 

This is exactly what I want.'

 

'Why? Are you in love?'

 

'Um, there's someone I'm hitting on.'

 

"Khai_Khai, you fuck, are you listening?" He smacks me so hard that my head turns. His angry voice pulls me out of the past and into the present. We came here last year and had the same conversation as we're having today.

 

"Huh?! What did you say?"

 

"I said, 'How can I know what kind of mood you're in?"

 

"You know it. Choose one for me. I'll buy it and watch it tonight." Third nods, gets up, and heads to the shelves with thousands of movies. Shortly after, he comes back with a pile of CDs. I guess he's too lazy to walk several times, so he just brings everything in one walk.

 

"Is this one okay?"

 

"I'm not in the mood for comedies."

 

"This one?"

 

"I'm not in the mood for dramas as well." He makes a tsk sound but still keeps handing me new movies.

 

"This one for sure." It's a rom-com.

 

"Third... I say no more and grab his wrist boldly, pressing his palm tightly on the left side of my chest.

 

"Is your heart beating fast?" He asks like a child, so I say...

 

"Nah, my nipples got stiff."

 

"You fucker!"

 

"This one's not a normal rom-com. I watched it. The characters have more sex than I've had for half a year."

 

"Who would know you're so obsessed with it? We watch sex scenes to study the artistic work. You're such a dickl This one is the last one." He thrust a CD into my hand.

 

"You're cute. This one is exactly what I want."

 

"If you don't like this one, I'll punch a hole in your face right here."

 

"So fierce."

 

"This movie is about unrequited love. Are you craving someone's love?"

 

"Well, there's someone.."

 

"But I'm too afraid to make a move. I don't want to lose that person." We look at each other quietly, and soon Third averts his eyes and mumbles.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"I'll choose something for you. Wait here."

 

“Khai, where did you go to choose a movie or film it? You've gone for a fucking long time.”

 

You're nagging as if you're my wife. Here! Is this one okay?”

 

Do I look like I want to watch fighting scenes? This action movie is intense. You think I want to shoot the teacher with a rifle?'

 

Well, you've been stressed out because of your grades.'

 

'If I'm stressed because of my grades, then you should kill yourself now. Your grades are like a decimal of zeros.'

 

'Argh, who would be smart like you? What about this one?'

 

'A movie about cheating on exams? Watch it yourself.'

 

I pick three movies for you. This one is the last one. I'll sulk if you don't like it.'

 

'You have the right to sulk at me?'

 

'Is this one okay or not?'

 

'A movie about unrequited love? Did some chick lure you into her trap?'

 

'Shut up. How do you know this movie matches my life?'

 

Well, we're friends.'

 

"I'm back..I'm sure you'll like this one," I say with a smile and hold out a drama CD to him. He looks sad, so I think this could be it.

 

"I used to be in that mood, but not anymore." He makes it clear, so I quickly hold out another movie to him. This one is an inspirational movie. The name is Whiplash. "What about this one? We used to watch it together."

 

"Don't lie. We didn't watch it together. You watched it with your girl." He answers evenly, his eyes not even wavering.

 

"Yeah? I don't remember."

 

"I only remember watching it with you on Too's birthday."

 

"Um, so I have to watch it again?"

 

"Is it the one you want to watch?"

 

"Yeah, you're good."

 

"Well, we're friends." 

 

Silence fills the area. We can even hear the wind. The past and the present, right this moment, seem different, but not really. We're still in the same shop, choosing movies based on our moods, but the different thing is our feelings...They've really changed.

 

"Ahem!" The third person coughs. I almost forget that we're not alone and that Hia Term is arranging the CDs in the deepest corner of the shop.

 

"Did you have something stuck in your throat?"

 

"Your words are stuck in my throat. It's kinda weird seeing both of you like this."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"You two aren't talking like friends do."

 

"You two are talking like lovers do. Are you guys falling in love with each other?"

 

"What? No!" Third denies it.

 

"What? Yes!"

 

While I choose to admit it...

 

The confusing Tuesday morning has begun. I have to drag myself to class, as usual. I'm tired because yesterday's rehearsal was so intense I almost lost my voice. I had to crawl out of my bed in not a very cool way this morning.

 

I hop on my big bike, ready to ride it to the university as always, but Too calls me before I start the bike.

 

"I'm going there right now. You don't have to rush me." I know why he calls me. I've been riding more slowly lately, so the Extreme Gang often called me to rush.

 

[It's not about that. Can you pick Third up? Bone and I can't go because we're already at the university.]

 

"Hey, what happened to Third?" I ask restlessly.

 

[The radiator almost burst. He said the smoke came out when he was driving.]

 

"Okay, I'll go pick him up. Where is he?"

 

[In front of his condo. Good thing he hasn't gone far. You better hurry up, or he'll curse you.] 

 

Too hangs up. I ride to where Third is immediately. I see him standing with the security guard at the entrance. But when I reach him, he asks me about someone else.

 

"Where is Too? Didn't I tell him to pick me up?" So this is why he didn't call me...

 

"He's already at the uni, so he told me to come instead. Why did the radiator burst?"

 

"I didn't check it. I drove my car too much."

 

"Take better care of yourself next time. The car centre didn't put water in the radiator?"

 

"I forgot to check my car at the centre."

 

"I really wanna punch you."

 

"How do we get to the university?" Third asks. 

 

Are you kidding me?

 

"My big bike, of course. You think we'll fly there?"

 

"But you don't let anyone get on it except your girls." Okay, now I understand why he asked.

 

"It was like that before, but not anymore."

 

"So you also let your friends get on it besides your lovers? I got goosebumps."

 

"I don't let friends get on it."

 

"Only my lover can get on it. Hurry up. We'll be late." 

 

I don't wait for him to think and hand him a helmet. I start the bike, waiting for him to hop on. Third is reluctant for a moment, but, having no choice, he decides to hop on behind me. It seems like he's not used to it. I can feel it through the way he wheezes on my nape.

 

"Don't be scared. I don't ride fast, just forty." I comfort him.

 

"Twenty is enough."

 

"Third, sir, are we going to class today? Even driving at forty got me cursed at by everyone. Don't be scared."

 

"You can say that because you're the one who rides it."

 

"Hold onto my waist if you're scared."

 

"Huh, no way." I don't pester him and start moving forward. Every time I look at the rearview mirror, I'll see Third all tense up, sweating. I feel sorry for him. This must be his first time riding on Chawee. He might not be the first to get on it, but he'll definitely be the last.

 

"Then hold onto my shoulders instead. I won't ride back to pick you up if you fall." I say it again in case he'll relent. It works this time because he slowly places his palms on my shoulders, trusting.

 

I'll have a good dream tonight. At least I'm one step closer to the fact that... I might win Third's heart someday.

 

We arrive at the university. The person behind me has sweat running down his face. He doesn't say anything, but I can't help but feel bad for him. He looks like he's about to cry.

 

"Are you okay?" I ask.

 

"I almost died," he says, exhaling through his mouth.

 

"I'm gonna bring my car here from my home."

 

"Why? Wanna show how rich you are?"

 

"I don't want you to sit uncomfortably."

 

"Don't be worried about me. It's just one time."

 

"Then I must be worried because my motto is the first time leads to the next. Get used to it."

 

"You prick!"

 

In the evening, I try coaxing Third not to volunteer to help with the faculty's fundraising event, thinking I should nip it in the bud. If he doesn't get to meet Un, everything's good. Their relationship won't develop. But things turn out wrong because when the last class is over at five in the evening, the person waiting for us is sitting outside, giving us a wide smile.

 

Chen, I fucking hate you.

 

You can't be the third wheel in your friend's stead like this!

 

At last, I have to tag along with Third to the Student market. What about those two dear friends? They sent me love from a massage parlour. Those assholes leave me to fight in the two-on-one battle alone.

 

The Student market is just a normal market, but it's located on the university campus. More importantly, only students can sell and buy things here. We can see many strange things for sale, such as the stand on the right with a pretty girl at night. She's selling the nightlife dresses she no longer wears. Guys are flocking there to look at boobs. Other friends from the same faculty and I are standing at the space we've registered to use. 

 

We have two donation boxes and many signs for publicising. Third and Chen each carry a box. Un and hold signs and smile at people passing by. The others announce our faculty's event.

 

"Third, thanks for helping us. Khai, you, too." 

 

There he is. What does Un, the devil, have on his mind?

 

"Why did you thank us? We gotta help each other with the faculty's work."

 

"That's right," I say to support Third. I'll get in his way. I'll do everything to stop him from messing with Third. It seems like I just fanned the flames. We snipe at each other as we do our jobs.

 

"Hey, Third, I heard your car is broken."

 

"He came with me today." I chime in. I know my name's not Third, but I want to answer. Got a problem?!

 

"Oh, you two came here together? You should be careful, Khai. You always ride so fast that I can't even see your shadow."

 

"I ride slower now. Don't worry."

 

"If you say so." Third adds quietly. I actually feel uneasy, afraid that Un will offer to drive my friend home. I'm relieved when he doesn't say anything.

 

'Text me as soon as you get home so that I won't be worried, okay?"

 

"Okay."

 

"..." I stand still, trying to rewind the situation to see if I heard it wrong. What's with texting? You two have been contacting each other this whole time?

 

My mind goes blank in that second. Too once promised me he'd check Third's phone, but we were too careless. That means that for the past several days, I thought I was one step ahead while Third has been talking to Un. My legs almost gave out.

 

I kept quiet and eavesdropped on the conversation between them. Right now, Chen and I seem to be completely cut off from those two's orbit.

 

"We got lots of donations today. It must be because of Khai. Girls poured their money like water." I didn't say anything for almost an hour. Why is he fanning the flame now?

 

"What's wrong with that?" I ask him, trying to get on his nerves.

 

"Nothing's wrong. It's a good thing."

 

"This is also a good thing. Is that one of your prey? She looks familiar."

 

"It doesn't ring a bell. Wasn't she your ex? There were so many that I can't remember."

 

Fuck! If we're not in the middle of the market, I'm seriously gonna punch him. There are a few types of people I hate. One of them is those who use people's past to make them look good.

 

"Khai is exactly the girls' type."

 

"A bad boy, right?" Third adds.

 

"Huh, as if you've never fallen for a bad boy." 

 

At least you once had a crush on me.

 

After that sentence, dead silence suddenly fills the air. Third compresses his lips after that sentence slipped out of my mouth. The fundraising event is highly supported. By the third hour, my two legs start to feel weak, so we call it a day.

 

"We'll count the money at the faculty. Until then, feel free to go eat something." Chen tells everyone. Un comes and asks Third right away.

 

"Wanna go find something to eat?"

 

"I'll go, too." Not wanting them to be alone together, I'll do whatever I can to get in between them, but a good guy always faces

obstacles when the bear-like director stops me.

 

"Khai, come help me."

 

"What the fuck, Chen? I'm so hungry. I'll go with Third."

 

"Then Third, buy your friend something to eat. I'll borrow him for a bit." Third nods and walks through the crowd with that senior. What the fuuuuuuck?!

 

"What the fuck do you want?!" I yell in frustration. I'm so uneasy I can't stay still.

 

"Nothing. I just want you to stay away from that couple. They're doing well."

 

"For what? I don't understand you."

 

"Un is my friend. Third is my bro. I think that makes enough sense."

 

"What about me? Am I not your fucking bro?" 

 

I can't help cussing at the senior. Since they're best friends, Un must've told him about what I said. I said I liked Third and that nobody could ever take him from me, but now.

 

"You want my love, huh? There, there." Chen's about to comfort me, but I turn away like a female lead in a Thai drama.

 

"Let me tell you that I'm upset."

 

"All right, all right. Let's calm down at the faculty. Those two will come back soon. Don't be so possessive of your friend." 

 

I'm NOOOOOT possessive of my friend; I'm possessive of Third. Third is my future wife. When I'm about to say what's on my mind, another friend comes to talk to Chen, so I just stand there, irritated. Chen comes back to me, looking stern. 

 

"Collect yourself, you punk. People will feel uncomfortable if you keep grunting like this."

 

"You don't understand."

 

“I do, and I know how childish you are. Khai… you're not the centre of the world. Not everything revolves around you." He pats my shoulder with his big hand. His eyes look so cold that I can feel the chill.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Third is moving forward, and you're the only one who's pulling him back to the same place, the place where you know your friend is unhappy to be in."

 

"How do you know that he'll be happy if he moves forward?"

 

"Nobody knows. He might be happy or not. But if he knows he'll be unhappy if he stays in the same place, isn't it better to move forward?"

 

"You, too. Don't hold Third back. He and Un will be doing well if you don't get in the way."

 

"But Third is my friend. Am I wrong for feeling worried about him?"

 

"Huh, you're not wrong! But think carefully, are you worried about him or yourself?"

 

Fifteen minutes later, the one who makes me feel restless comes back with that senior and food. Chen goes to talk with the others. I'm the only one who focuses on the sausages in a clear polypropylene bag he's handing me.

 

"It's yours."

 

"You bought me this?"

 

"Of course. Oh! One more thing. I'll go with Un after this. See you at the faculty."

 

"Why don't you go with me? Did I ride too fast? I'll ride slower this time for sure.” I try to hold him back, even though I've no idea what they were talking about when they were together.

 

"It's not like that. I have to help him move the donation boxes and equipment. We'll meet again anyway."

 

"You can move them with my bike."

 

"It's a bike. You know it'd be inconvenient. See you at the faculty." He walks away with the senior, leaving me standing there, feeling empty, for ten minutes. 

 

So this is the feeling of someone who has been dumped, the feeling of someone who tries so hard but he doesn't love you back. I can only look at his back as he walks further away, unable to stop him.

 

I stuff the sausages into my mouth as I stride to the parking lot. The good news today is that Third still remembers that I love sausages, but he forgets that I hate mayonnaise. He put it in so much that I almost vomited.

 

The atmosphere on the ground floor of the faculty building is hectic because we have to count the money and put it in the account before we can get home. Only the seniors have to take care of this, but Third won't go home, saying he'll leave after Chen finishes the work. Isn't he such a nice junior? Chen's girlfriend doesn't even take care of him this much.

 

"It's already ten. It's okay if we leave first." I say, not understanding this situation. I admit I was more reasonable in the past, but I can turn into an idiot instantly when it comes to Third.

 

"You leave first. You don't have to wait for me."

 

"How can I do that? We came here together, so we'll leave together."

 

"Chen and Un are here. He can drive me home. Don't worry."

 

"Un is even worse. I don't want him to mess around with you."

 

"You're also messing around with me."

 

"Right! I hate myself for that. Why the fuck am I like this when it comes to you?"

 

"..."

 

I run my hand through my hair in frustration. Everything I've suppressed inside is about to burst out because I'm afraid I'll lose him, afraid… that it'll be too late.

 

"And about the sausages, did you forget that I hate mayonnaise?"

 

"Un bought it. I didn't look."

 

"And then you gave it to me? Why weren't you the one who bought it?"

 

"Isn't it the same?"

 

"How? The taste is the same, but not my feelings. And this is what you guys text each other?"

 

"About work."

 

"You can talk to him at the faculty."

 

"And personal stuff."

 

"Let me see it. I wouldn't give him my LINE ID if I were you. I don't trust him."

 

"You gave it to every girl in the uni. Do you have the right to tell me this?"

 

"Right, I have no right to do that." I want to keep you to myself. I don't have the right to do it, but I'm still upset. I go silent and turn away from him, trying to get myself together as best as I can. Third got over me. It'll be hard to make him love me again. Being selfish might not help.

 

We wait for them at the table on the ground floor for almost an hour. The seniors move to talk in the office, leaving two third-year students sitting here, turning away from each other. I try so hard not to look back, but I can't do it at last.

 

"Third."

 

"What?" I quickly zip my mouth. 'What are you doing?' fades away from my throat when I find him face down on the table, asleep. One of his cheeks presses on his arm, making his mouth open. He looks just like a kid, but I still can't get my eyes off him.

 

It's nice when you're sleeping. At least I can have more time to look at you closely. What will I do if you belong to someone else? Will I be able to take it? I don't want to think about it at all.

 

'Khai, when you watch a movie, what's the best way to express love in your opinion?'

 

'Fucking, of course.'

 

'Go fuck in your room.'

 

I was joking. I think it's kissing?'

 

'Kiss, then look each other in the eye.'

 

'Fucking cheesy.'

 

'But you like it, too.'

 

Isn't it normal? Don't you like kissing someone you love?

 

When I truly love someone, I'll answer that question.'

 

Now I keep thinking about kissing, kissing, and kissing over and over again. My eyes are locked on the lips of the person who's sleeping defenselessly. They look so tempting to me. We once kissed so deeply, but it was devoid of love. It was a forceful kiss full of confusion. Third cried so hard at that time. I can't erase his eyes, his lips, and his sobs in the night we were terribly wasted out of my head.

 

And today, I feel greedy for wanting more. I want to make everything better. Vice and virtue are fighting in my head, and the vice wins. I use that opportunity to get up so that I can move closer to him. I lean in, moving my face to his. I can feel his breath at the tip of my nose. 

 

At that moment, I press my lips to his. Just the touch of lips. I won't force myself on you. At the slight touch of our lips, the sleeping person starts to wake up. Everything happens so fast, and I can't pull back in time.

 

Third slowly opens his eyes, but, in this close distance, it must be hard to tell who is who. I think he knows what kind of situation he's in right now. My brain tries to think of an excuse that won't make him yell at me. I pull back a little, just a little...

 

That day, when we were talking, I said I'd tell you when I truly loved someone. I got the answer today: I like it. I love you, that's why I like to kiss you.

 

"Third, I"

 

"Who do you think I am?"

 

".."

 

"I'm not a whore you like to fuck so much."

 

It's like I was struck by lightning. Every part of my body goes numb. When I catch myself, I step away slowly from the person in front of me. My feet even wobble back by themselves. Third tries to get himself together. When his eyes start to adjust, he sees me standing far from him. I don't know what kind of expression I should wear.

 

"Do I look like a girl in your stock?" His voice is barely a whisper, but I hear it clearly.

 

"I kissed you just now because ..." I decide to tell the truth.

 

"Don't you ever do this again. Don't make me end our friendship for a second time."

 

"Third, actually...."

 

"You're already disgusting enough for me."

 

"Is that how you feel?"

 

"..."

 

"You've never said you're disgusted with me. Why didn't you tell me so I can change myself? How long have I been a disgusting person for you?"

 

My brain is frighteningly blank, and my face feels hot. I hear a shout from behind. The seniors are walking out of the office as I step farther away from my best friend.

 

"We're done. You guys can leave." After Chen said that, I turned to face Un immediately, but I couldn't do anything but clench my fists. We didn't say anything and just gave up, turning away and going straight to the parking lot. Right now, Third probably doesn't want to go home with a disgusting person like me. He even thinks I mistook him for a whore when I kissed him. So fucking funny, haha.

 

I start my bike, wasting no time. I accelerate away to get myself out of here as fast as possible. I ride my bike through the darkness on the street, hoping it will help me wipe out this feeling. I don't even know the speed I'm riding at. I only know that the way my face and eyes feel hot is proof that what just happened has caused such grave damage.

 

Will we be the same tomorrow? Will you still be my friend or become someone else's? It's all my fault for realising it too late. It's my fault for acting like scum towards him and failing to fix everything. But what can I do? For me, we can be just friends anymore.

 

'Khai, if one day I lose my way, will you leave me?'

 

'No way.'

 

'And if I'm sad, will you comfort me?'

 

'Anytime'

 

You've said you won't ever leave me

 

I promise.'

 

BAM!!!

My vision topples over and over. My whole body goes numb, but soon I feel it shaking, especially my hands. The pungent smell fills my nose. I try to adjust my eyes as best as I can, but I can only see the vague shadows of trees in the dark.

 

The dizziness is overwhelming, but I force myself to get up, feeling the numb pain slowly spreading through my body.

 

Chawee fell down and slid away on the street. I tumbled away quite far from my beloved big bike. I don't remember why I fell off it because I couldn't concentrate on riding. I was thinking of someone. Someone?

 

The sight of Third pops up in my head. I try so hard to get up on my legs despite how trembling they are. I don't even have the strength to get my bike up to ride. My student uniform is all ripped. I can't tell how dirty it is because there's not enough light to see. I try to trot back in the direction I came from because we once made a promise, so I won't ever leave him.

 

Each step is harder than the other. The sharp pain spreads as if my bones are broken. A fluid seeping from my head clouds my vision. Maybe my tears are falling down? The sight in front of me is half-dark, half-light; it's like I'm so drunk that I'm losing my mind.

 

Nobody knows what will become of Third and me tomorrow, but I don't want to lose him, even though that means I have to become a disgusting person.

 

It's late. There's only silence surrounding me. I continue hobbling, praying he hasn't gone anywhere, because I have to be fine until I do as I have promised. Fortunately, after hobbling for a while, the light from the Engineering Building is now guiding my way. I can see myself clearly now. My pants and shirt were ripped when I fell on the road, blood seeping through the fabric and also my palms. I can tell from the sticky red fluid rolling down my eyelids that I broke my head.

 

The pungent smell of blood makes me want to vomit, but I don't stop until I reach the faculty building. I suddenly see a figure walking out of the entrance with Un.

 

"Khai!!" He cries out in shock. I don't know whose voice it is, but it's definitely not Third's. He looks at me with those cute, big eyes. I can't say what's on my mind right now because I'm panting, so I step closer to him. And then I gather what's left of my consciousness to say it to him.

 

"Third..I came to pick you up."

 

“…"

 

"Sorry for making you wait."

 

'..."

 

"Please don't be disgusted with me. Let's go home together."