Theory of Love

Circle of (Boy) Friend

What do you consider when you choose a movie to watch?

 

Contents?

The director?

The actors' looks?

A trend?

Or..your taste?

 

I choose it based on my personal preference. It doesn't matter whether that movie is trending, as long as it's in the genre I've always watched. I avoid those animations or childish cartoons. I also watch a lot of cliched sci-fi thrillers.

 

A senior once told me that choosing a movie is like choosing a lover. It's very rare for us to choose a genre we dislike. It may be because we've built a wall, judging it as not good or fun, so we've never opened our hearts to it, even though it might be good, too... If only we give it a try.

 

I had no idea when it all started. My relationship with Third was getting worse and worse every day until everything shattered into pieces the day we drank in Bone's room. We were just drinking. I didn't fucking know why it was all messed up.

 

"Khai.." The person standing in front of me said my name. Third stood still awkwardly, so I tried to brighten up the tense atmosphere by saying something.

 

"Bone told me to come. Are you guys  drinking?" He didn't answer, just standing there. Our relationship wasn't very good right now. I remembered that Third had changed since the day we'd gone to the club that night, and he wouldn't tell me the reason why he was mad at me.

 

How the hell could I know? Bone and Too always shook their heads when I'd asked. The unresolved problem would remain unresolved until I knew what I'd done wrong.

 

"Come in. These are my friends." I shook off that thought and grabbed the junior's wrist, leading her inside. I didn't actually want to bring her there, but Bone had called me when we were about to leave, and we had to go past his place anyway, so I'd had no choice but to bring her with me.

 

"Ooooooooh, beautiful, come in, come in." My friend was a scumbag just the same. At the sight of a pretty girl, he immediately rushed to clear space for us to sit.

 

"What brings you here?" Too asked.

 

"Bone called me when we'd just finished our meal, so I thought I'd stop by."

 

"I see. Do you drink beer?" As my friend asked Snook, I turned to look at the person standing far away at the door, and Bone shouted out.

 

"Close the door, Third, and come sit here."

 

"I think I'll leave."

 

"Yeah? All right, you must be pretty drunk now." What the fuck was wrong with him?! A friend wanted to leave, so he'd just let him go? I wouldn't let it happen, so I quickly cut in. At least... I wanted us to have a conversation.

 

"Come sit with us."

 

Even though Third walked back and sat beside me, we still didn't talk. I felt so uncomfortable, to be honest. I didn't know what to do to turn things back to the way it had been.

 

"Khai, did you know that the Comm Arts Stage Play project has started? What position do you have in mind?" Good thing these two dear friends kept asking questions and finding something to talk about, so our little drinking party wasn't too unpleasant.

 

"The assistant director."

 

"Woooooah, that position belongs to a fourth-year student. Don't be stupid."

 

"I can control lighting and sound." It'd actually be my main job.

 

"That suits you. I also want to do that, but Third has it harder than anyone."

 

"Why?"

 

"He's a scriptwriter. He's gotta think about who's gonna end up together."

 

"Why do you think I'm gonna write a love story? I might if it were before, but I've lost faith in love." He looked at me when he said that. What the hell? Did he try to snipe at me? I didn't even know what I'd done, so I felt wronged. I decided to snipe back.

 

"Have you ever had faith in anything?"

 

"I'm not you who have faith in love all around and sleep around like this."

 

"Third!"

 

"Calm down, guys, calm down.." It was good that our friend was here to stop us; otherwise, things might've gotten out of hand. 

 

I wanted to snipe back at him so fucking bad that I didn't sleep on his head. I always did what he wanted me to do. If he didn't want me to bring girls to my room, I wouldn't do it. I'd do anything to maintain our friendship. But look at him. He didn't even try to maintain it and kept ruining it.

 

We kept on drinking. Snook asked me about this and that to keep me in a good mood.

 

"Don't drink too much, Khai. I'm worried about you." To be frank, we'd been texting for only a week and met each other yesterday. Our relationship had happened fast, so it'd end fast as well since I didn't plan to be in a serious relationship or give my heart to anyone.

 

This kind of love was better. We'd sometimes do something to please each other. If things didn't work out, we broke up. No one lost benefits, and that was it.

 

"I won't drink too much."

 

"And don't smoke."

 

"Okay."

 

"You're so obedient."

 

"You think he's only obedient to you?" My mood was ruined again when someone's voice cut in. I turned to glower at him right away. Third...what the hell did you want exactly?

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Khai just fucks around. He'll dump you after he fucks you."

 

"You fucking bastard!" I darted towards him and snatched his shirt collar because I lost my shit. I cussed at him in my mind nonstop. What the fuck did you want?! What the fuck did you want?! Right! What the actual fuck did you want?!

 

"Calm down, dude. You're drunk, right? Let's get back to our room." Too tried to split us and asked the person whose face was all red because of the alcohol, but he didn't get wasted. It was obvious that he was trying to pick a fight with me.

 

Third had never been like this. For two years that we'd known each other, no matter what I'd done or whoever I'd dated, he'd always been understanding and reasonable; unlike now, he was acting like a fucking idiot.

 

"I'm not drunk. Am I wrong for telling the truth?" He continued speaking. I couldn't help but snipe back at him instantly.

 

"So what? At least I know how to love someone, unlike you. You're idiotic and fucking unreasonable."

 

"Do you dare to say that what you're doing is love?"

 

"Yes, it is. And I know who I'd give my love to, and of course, not to a shitty friend like you." I yelled at him, unable to keep my cool anymore, and pushed him out of anger. When I knew it, Third was already looking down at the floor.

 

"Khai, Third is drunk. Don't take what he said to heart."

 

"His mouth begs for a punch when he's drunk."

 

"Care about his feelings for a bit. It's been a lot for him lately."

 

"Why do I have to care about him when he's not my girlfriend?!" He'd never done anything for me, not even kept our friendship, so why the hell did I have to care about him?

 

"Hey, you can speak to him nicely."

 

"I’ll speak to him nicely when he lies down for me to fuck. Are you happy now?!!!"

 

BAM!!!

 

In that second, my vision was blurry. I fell down to the floor with pain and numbness slowly spreading all over my face. Bone stood close to me, panting, then he lifted his fist again to punch me, but Too stepped in the way before he did it, so my face didn't get ruined by another punch as I'd expected.

 

"Khai, this is your friend, the friend who loves you."

 

I kept quiet, not saying anything. Then why didn't the friend, like, care about me?

It was so suffocating, but no one understood me.

 

"Third is... He..."

 

"Bone, that's enough."

 

"I'm sorry. It's all my fault."

 

Third looked up at me, tears rolling down his cheeks. My chest tightened with guilt. I'm sorry' was what I wanted to say, but my tongue was too numb to move. I could only look at the person in front of me and slowly got up and walked away.

 

My friends dragged me to the balcony immediately because they didn't want Snook to hear about our gang's problem, but it didn't help me understand anything at all after we'd finished talking. All I remembered was that they'd tried to defend Third. 

 

What about me? Nobody had ever understood me. Nobody understood the suffocating feeling built up in my chest that I couldn't shake off. I felt bad for hurting Third, but at the same time no one had ever told me what was going on; then why did I have to be the one feeling guilty?

 

It was fucking unfair. Why did I have to be the only one feeling stupid? I knew they were hiding something. Even that day at the theatre, I'd seen Bone hug Third, who wouldn't stop crying. I felt guilty for doing something wrong, but in the end I still didn't know what it was.

 

All of my friends chose to keep a secret from me. It made me feel like I wasn't important to anyone anymore. Third didn't come to class the next morning. I asked Too, and he told me Third just wanted to stay in bed. I didn't care, but the guilt was eating at me. I decided to go to see him after classes. I didn't ask why he was mad at me since he wouldn't tell me anyway.

 

The only thing left to say was I'm sorry,' the words I said from my heart. And it worked. Our relationship got better again, and we got even closer because we made up during the time Third had to write the script. We stuck together like before, going everywhere as four. We observed people together at the library, and I asked him to watch a movie and go shopping with me.

 

Third helped me choose lipsticks for my girl. He knew I always spent money on every girl I was sleeping with. But when we were choosing the Hermes bracelet, I bought another one as a birthday gift for 'Klear,' my sister, but I didn't tell him.

 

Wasn't it weird? Third was the only friend I wanted to be with me all the time. When anything happened, however big or small, I'd think of him before anyone else. This could be why we'd been friends for a long time and had finally become best friends.

 

And then, one evening...everything changed...

The four of us were still at the library because Third was trying to come up with an idea for the script. The rest of us played something on laptops and phones. I was unlucky because my battery ran out, and my power bank was dead, so I borrowed Third's laptop to play and listen to music to kill time.

 

Something got into me, and I opened the 'Friendly Movie' channel to check its rating. People didn't normally log out of websites and stayed logged in. Third was one of them. His account was there right in front of me. I didn't think much and clicked open his channel just to browse, but the latest clip provoked someone who couldn't keep his hands to himself, like me, to open it.

 

The video's name was Movie Review - Crazy, Stupid, Love!' It wasn't a long video. The weird thing was it was locked as private, not public. In the video, I saw Third smile at the camera as always...

 

[Hi, everyone. Meet me again this week with Friendly Movie. This could be my last video for this year. It's pretty sudden, isn't it? This time, I'm going to do a review of an old movie called Crazy, Stupid, Love]

 

I looked up at Third, who was writing on a paper, then I looked at the video on the screen again. Good thing I wore earphones, or else he would've scolded me for invading his privacy.

 

[Or in Thai, 'Stupid, Silly, Crazy, Because of Love.]

 

He paused, looking down, not talking, then he sighed and looked up at the camera again.

 

[I'm really so stupid and crazy right now. I...am in love with my best friend one-sidedly]

 

Third wasn't talking about the movie!

 

My hand quickly pressed the spacebar to pause the video. I looked at the other two friends happily playing on their phones and suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe, but my curiosity couldn't stop me from watching the video.

 

[We're friends in the same gang. It's been over two years now, but the word friends' stops us from being anything more. I feel like I got my hopes up too high. I told myself many times to get over him, but I ended up unable to do it because we had to see each other every day.]

 

His smile had a hint of sadness. I didn't want to imagine how sad he was feeling deep inside.

 

[Actually, I could just run away from him, but I didn't do it. Khai.]

 

My face went numb when I heard my name. Third's eyes, fixed on the camera, were filled with tears.

 

[I'm sorry for loving you.]

 

[I've been trying to keep it a secret, but I'm the one who's fucked up..I'm fucked up because I couldn't take it when I found out that you acted nice to me just to prove the truth. It felt good when you were acting nice to me, so good... that I couldn't take it when everything broke down. I'm sorry.]

 

I sighed heavily but still watched it to the end.

 

[I'm sorry I can't make it all better. I can't tell you about this, because if I told you, I'd lose everything -even you.]

 

Right! There was nothing left now that I knew the truth. You'd destroyed my trust. My face was so numb as if I'd been slapped. My body was so numb that I couldn't move. I liked girls and couldn't bear the fact that Third thought of me as more than a friend. 

 

So this was the secret you'd kept for two years? I wished I hadn't known. I wished we hadn't been friends.

 

I looked up, glancing at my three best friends. I guessed those two had known about Third's feelings for me for all this time but wouldn't tell me. They treated me like a fool. Well, it was true. I'd been a fool for two years. Why didn't they just write the word 'fool' on my forehead?

 

For me, Third was my best friend. I cared about him so much, but it was what friends did. I didn't want to lose him, and I also wasn't ready to become anything more than his friend. 

 

That evening, I came back to my room from the library, thinking about what to do to ruin his hopes and make him get over me. Of course, I still wanted him. I wanted a friend...I wanted my old friend back. 

 

I wrecked my brain thinking about something, filling myself with discomfort and confusion. I didn't like guys, and I never would.

 

It took me a whole night contacting the girls who used to be in my life. One of them was an old friend whom I'd never gone out with. We'd gone to the same middle school, and now she went to the same university as I did. I asked her to help me and wanted her to be my fake girlfriend. At least help me deceive Third and make him get over me completely, because that kind of relationship was impossible for us.

 

Lucky for me, Chen, a fourth-year student, treated us to a meal to celebrate the script's completion. I used this opportunity to set up a situation. I drank heavily that night; I hadn't stopped drinking ever since I'd arrived at this bar restaurant. It could be that pent-up stress for the past week, and how I'd been thinking about what to do with Third, that drove me to try to find a way out on my own.

 

After drinking like crazy, I went to the restroom and didn't go out, waiting for him to come to me. Of course, Third came to find me. He nagged as always, but the listener's feeling was different.

 

"Took a long time to piss, huh?"

 

"Um."

 

"Do you know you can't even talk properly right now?" I tried to zip my pants. He hurried to support me so I wouldn't fall down. Why? Why didn't you love someone else?

 

"Are you okay? How many fingers are there?" He asked. I didn't answer even though my mind was still pretty clear.

 

"You must be really drunk. I'll take you home. I'll tell the manager to take care of your bike tonight, and about those two." 

 

I pushed my best friend to the wall so hard that he cussed at me. I didn't wait any longer and forced myself to kiss him.

 

"Khai, you're drunk. You. Um!"

 

Third squirmed for a while, but soon he went still, letting me kiss him, trembling. He was trembling so hard that I could feel it and felt terribly sorry for him, but I kept on sucking his lips, not letting him catch his breath.

 

I tried to thrust my tongue inside his mouth to make him feel ashamed, but it was me who didn't want to let go of him and kept sucking the sweetness from his mouth as if I was losing my mind. 

 

I got myself together when he struggled to catch his breath, so I had to let him go.

 

"Khai.." Third said my name, and I felt sorry for saying this...

 

"Praew."

 

I kissed him again, but it tasted bitter this time. The person I forced myself on was shaking. His sobs kept slipping out, and they hurt my heart. His tears fell down, touching my face. I was sorry for making you cry. Sorry..

 

"Praew, Praew.."

 

I said her name because I couldn't find another way out. That was all I could do. Third... please get over me.

 

Accepting the truth could hurt sometimes. I forced myself to be a fool who didn't know anything until this show would end, and several attempts hurt him. I had to see his tears over and over again but needed to act like I didn't know anything. 

 

We still sat beside each other. talked about my girlfriend, and he gave me a forced smile. He was suffocating and hurt.

 

After the general meeting about the stage play, I decided to officially introduce Praew to my friends before packing my stuff and going to sleep over at my senior's place to avoid any problems.

 

The senior was Ton. He was a fourth-year student from a different university. He had to do a thesis this year, so he'd rented a house with a couple of friends to use as their studio. And so I had a place to sleep. Of course, I expected something more. I didn't want them to fix my problem or anything. I just wanted to stop overthinking about that.

 

"Wouldn't waste a second, huh?" A slim guy with a moustache greeted. I came here with one backpack and Chawee as my driver, as usual.

 

"I'm stressed. Let's drink."

 

"Fuck you, Khai. My house is a studio, not an immoral place."

 

"Got girls in here?"

 

"Did you listen to me?"

 

"I'll get inside now. Where do I sleep?"

 

"At the foot of my bed."

 

"Aight, Aight."

 

I stayed there for several days, confiding my worries to the seniors. I didn't get into the details, though. We spent each day with booze and cigarettes to the extent that we could start a junk shop from all those empty bottles. 

 

In my free time after waking up, I'd watch the seniors having fun editing movies and clips, then we'd drink again in the evening. Like today, the fifth night of my staying over without giving them a choice.

 

"My juniors are stopping by," a senior said, and everyone nodded. Fifteen minutes later, the sound of a car's engine reached the front door, followed by the noises of people talking. Ton went to open the door, and five girls came inside to greet us.

 

"Hi, let us join you guys tonight."

 

And now the house Ton had claimed as a moral place turned out to be the exact opposite. Everyone was drinking and having fun. The music got better as the night went on. I was intoxicated. When I caught myself, one of the girls was pressing her body against my side. My hands groped her body. We made out for a long moment. I cupped her face and pressed my lips on hers. 

 

We kissed quietly. It should feel the same as when I'd kissed the other girls, but why...Why did Third appear so clearly in my mind?

 

We still locked lips. I concentrated and forced myself to continue, and the girl cooperated with me well, but everything came to a halt at last. I was thinking about Third's kiss, his face when he'd cried, and..the time we'd spent together.

 

"Damn it!!" The pent-up feeling in my chest pulled me out of that junior. I kept cussing so loud that everyone turned to look at me. Why?! Why the hell did it turn out to be me who couldn't forget?!

 

I could only sit and look down because I didn't know what to do. My eyes suddenly felt hot. No way. I wasn't crying. I was just drunk...The world without Third wasn't bad, but it was fucked up, way too fucked up.

 

"Khai, come with me." I got up at Ton's voice, and we walked to the backyard. He handed me a cigarette with his big hand. We smoked in silence.

 

White smoke floated up in the air. I looked at it slowly fading away in the dark, time after time, until there was half a cigarette left in my hand.

 

"You didn't flee to my house because of the stress from studying, right?"

 

".." I didn't answer.

 

"Most people came to my house because they wished either to escape the heat or love."

 

"Your house isn't the sea. Why would I do that?"

 

"I can tell just by looking at you."

 

"Is it that obvious?" Ton may be a good counsellor for me right now. I'd always thought his artistic ability and skills wouldn't help me. Love was rather a sensitive subject.

 

"Khai, you said it as if I didn't know you."

 

"Well, I'm actually escaping love, as you said. I got some problem with my friend."

 

"Your best friend's in love with you?" Damn, fucking smart. He always knew well about other people's business. I couldn't fathom why he hadn't talked to me the first few days I'd come here.

 

"My best friend is a guy."

 

"Um. I've never seen you befriend girls. You eat them up most of the time."

 

"Fuck you."

 

Everyone knew I drew a sharp line between friends and lovers. If any girls became my friends, we'd never be more than that; the same goes for Third. The unresolved situation was fucking annoying.

 

Ton drew on a cigarette and exhaled white smoke. I looked at him quietly and decided to continue asking.

 

'Would you be able to take it if your friend was gay?'

 

"Why wouldn't I? He was my friend."

 

"But your friend didn't think of you that way."

 

"How do you feel, though? Are you disgusted? Wanna keep your distance or.."

 

"Dunno. I'm not disgusted, but I kept my distance from him at times. It's like, what I think and what he thinks are different, so I sometimes want to get away. I want us to be like before, but you know, it's getting harder every day."

 

"I came to stay with you because I wanted to forget him, but I ended up thinking of him even more. I kept thinking of his face, his kiss, even though I'd said I'd wanted him to get over me and be my friend. It doesn't make any damn sense." My thoughts weren't black or white. It was this vague, unclear grey.

 

"Let me ask you." He dropped his cigarette to the ground and stepped on it til the smoke was gone. "What do you consider when you choose a movie to watch? Contents, the director, the actors' looks, a trend, or your taste?"

 

He asked me that long question. Filmmakers like us had to watch many genres of movies, but sometimes we chose them based on our entertainment preferences rather than for educational purposes.

 

"I choose a movie based on my taste. I always watch the ones I like."

 

"Right. And what genre do you like?"

 

"Sci-fi thriller, of course."

 

"What genre do you dislike?"

 

"Animation. I won't watch it if I have a choice."

 

"I used to think like that, but when you grow older, you'll learn many new things."

 

"Choosing a movie is like choosing a lover. It's very rare for us to choose the genre we dislike. It may be because we've built a wall, judging that it's not good, not fun, and so we've never opened our hearts to it, even though it might be good as well."

 

What a philosopher.

 

He went on and on in a lazy voice, not even turning to look at my eyes. He continued looking at the trees and sky like an artist he was, but every sentence slowly buried itself in my mind.

 

"I watch a lot of animations these days. Nobody forces me. It's what my heart wants."

 

"It works for you, but movies and real life are very different. I don't think I can take it."

 

"You can't take it, or you just want to escape the unacceptable truth of society?"

 

Oof! It was like someone had punched me in the stomach.

 

"..."

 

"Love in real life will never be like in a movie's script. If your decision's based on a social norm, even though you like girls, you'll be criticised anyway."

 

"Think about it. Being criticised for fucking around with girls, or for loving a guy, but only one guy, you end up being criticised either way, but the results are different."

 

"Ton!.."

 

“I'm not telling you to like guys, but I want you to decide with your feelings, not a social norm. You've grown up, you know. You're about to be an adult."

 

"...”

 

"Stop being a scumbag."

 

There was one thing I felt after time had passed: No matter how the world had changed, our brotherhood stayed the same. Someone else wouldn't warn me, tell me the truth, or scold me, but this senior, the word 'scumbag' coming from his mouth hit me so hard that I couldn't shake it off. Or maybe... I should act like an adult right now.

 

I kept thinking about Third that night. I watched many files of footage we'd recorded since our first year in the university. There were videos of Third, Bone, and Too that we'd filmed together. Third's smile, laugh, and silly acting made me recall that time.

 

We'd been together for two years. I loved him so much and never once wanted to stop being his friend. I'd thought it was a feeling friends had for each other until the day I'd kissed him. 

 

When I'd see his cheeks covered with tears, a shitty person like me couldn't forget that sight. Everything had changed slowly. I didn't know when it'd happened. When I'd seriously gone out with girls, Third had been bothered by my ex-girlfriends, so I'd thought I wouldn't be in a serious relationship with anyone anymore. I'd even decided not to bring girls to my room because I hoped this friend would come back to me, and we'd be together again.

 

"Get some sleep, Khai, and go to university tomorrow." Though the light had been turned off, the laptop screen was still bright. It made the person on the bed lift his head up to scold me in the middle of the night.

 

"Um, just a second. But tomorrow.. I still don't want to go."

 

"You've stayed here for five days already. Tomorrow will be the sixth day."

 

"You've been counting?"

 

"Think carefully about your actions. Your friends must be worried. And don't think studying isn't important. Comm Arts has lots of activities. Think about other people, too, not just yourself."

 

"Quit nagging." He was just like my father. I hadn't gone home because I didn't want to get scolded, but Ton did it to me anyway.

 

"I don't care anymore. It's annoying." His nagging voice faded. I turned to look at the screen again to browse through old pictures. It was kind of funny that Third had always been with me in every moment of my university life.

 

Bone and Too had once treated us like dirt because they both had gotten girlfriends. Third hadn't had anyone, so I'd sacrificed myself to stick with him and spend time with him to keep him away from feeling lonely. These days, I still felt terrible inside for conspiring with Bone to do something so fucked up like testing him. We'd thought Third wouldn't find out, but there was no secret in the world, and I'd ended up hurting my friend.

 

I'd turned off my phone for several days after telling everyone I'd needed time to rest, so that meant my social media sites had been turned off as well. I'd even turned on my laptop for the first time today.

 

I clicked open a green app to find many people contacting me. When the system was done syncing the data. I saw messages from the Extreme Gang among another hundred messages.

 

‘Come back. Your friends are waiting for you'

 

It was from Bone. Too had sent a sticker after that. No messages from the other one.

 

For the past five days, I'd been thinking about what he was doing. Did he feel anxious like me? It'd be great if he missed me sometimes because l missed him.

 

There were tons of messages in my LINE account. After reading the messages in the group, I read through other personal messages. Many girls had texted me. Many of them were developing their relationships with me. I read every message carefully, but didn't reply. I deleted every message and decided to make a new start.

 

I called Too and Bone on Tuesday evening, telling them to come to my room to talk about the thing that had been on my mind for a long time, about Third's two-year one-sided love for me, and about Praew, my fake girlfriend. But look at them...They didn't look surprised. It was like they'd already known.

 

"Guys, I'll stop." I was sitting on a swivel chair. My two dear friends were sitting on my bed, staring at me suspiciously.

 

"Did you eat some poisonous food? What do you mean by 'stop '?"

 

"Stop being a playboy. Stop fucking around."

 

"You said this once in our second year. You did it for a week and got back to the way you'd been. I'm fucking sold." 

 

I hadn't even thought much at that time, just wanting to try to have a girlfriend, and I'd ended up failing because I hadn't planned to stay true to one person, unlike now.

 

"I really meant it now. I want to hit on someone."

 

Bone and Too exchanged nervous glances and spoke at the same time.

 

"Who the hell is that?!"

 

"Third."

 

"That's my friend. I won't allow this!" Too shouted immediately. He scowled at me as if he was going to tear my flesh.

 

"I've been sleeping on it for many days, so seriously that I didn't get a wink of sleep. I want to take care of him."

 

"You can take care of him as a friend, as we do." Bone expressed his thoughts this time.

 

"I just realised that even though we're friends, my feelings for you and Third are different."

 

"Third is getting over you."

 

"And he almost succeeds now. I don't want him to get hurt again."

 

I was stunned for a moment by the truth coming out of Too's mouth. Before all of this, I'd been trying every way to make him get over me, but now that I heard he was getting over me, I didn't feel happy at all. I want to make up for what I did. I want a second chance. “Guys, please help me," I said quickly.

 

"Can you guarantee that you won't hurt him again? He cried a lot because of you."

 

"I can't believe this."

 

They took turns speaking very smoothly, their eyes still filled with worry.

 

"I don't know if you guys will believe me. I can't guarantee it."

 

"But Third is the first person who makes me want to have a good life partner."

 

A mission to turn my friend into my boyfriend started after I'd made an agreement with my other two dear friends. In the same evening, I went to the place of someone who had been on my mind for several days. He was sleeping feebly in his bedroom. Looking at him now, the urge to take care of him rushed into me nonstop.

 

I've been hitting on him like crazy since the audition day until now, but he's never seemed to care even one bit. The distance between us is getting longer. We're usually stuck together, but now, if I step closer to him, he'll step away. Too suggests that my way of flirting might not work with Third.

 

And so, before I start hitting on him again, I need to change myself.

 

"First of all, delete all the contacts with girls, leaving only friends and your close seniors." 

 

We planned to write our papers in my room today. When these two fuckers arrived, they ordered me to turn on my laptop and stood guard.

 

"Let's start with your Facebook." I clicked open the app with the letter 'F ':

 

BAM! Almost five thousand friends and ten thousand followers.

 

"Turn off follow," Bone says, and I do it obediently.

 

"Done."

 

"And then, delete friends." It's not hard to do, of course. I delete friends like crazy until..

 

"This girl got big tits." What a waste. It's not easy to find this size. They were full in my hands. But, well, I gotta move on if I'm gonna start anew.

 

"Shit, dude. Don't delete her just yet." I stop my hand at Too's voice.

 

"Why?"

 

"Let me add her for a second. Delete her when I'm done."

 

"Armingh, you cockface."

 

From almost five thousand friends, I now have only a bit over a hundred. I wanna cry. I've sobbed on the inside for five minutes when my phone is pressed in my hand. Its screen shows the list of the accounts I'm following on Instagram. Wei...

 

"Unfollow all of them."

 

"Some of them don't even wear anything. What a waste."

 

"Then don't hit on my friend."

 

"All right, let's unfollow them. See? I'm doing it so fast." I don't wait for them to repeat it and unfollow those accounts with all my might until there are only a few left, which are my friends.

 

After I delete chats on LINE, I block the girls' numbers and cut off all contact with them. You can say that I've completely cut off everything I used to do in my daily life.

 

"You know how to manage your life from now on, right? I'm gonna help you from afar, but you gotta help yourself, too."

 

"I know. Thank you so much."

 

"And about your habit of fuck around, now that you can't screw girls, deal with it yourself."

 

"We can build a beautiful world with our hands," I say resignedly, raising my shaking hands.

 

It takes only a few things to be a playboy. My big problem is that habit to fuck around. If I still do it like before, Third would definitely snap my neck, so I have to find a solution to this problem myself.

 

"Prepare yourself to work on the paper. Third just texted me; he's arrived."

 

"Yeah? What do I do? Should I get changed?"

 

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Just be normal." I look at myself. I'm wearing a white tank top and boxers, plus I don't even wear underwear. It's swinging around, but that's all right. I'm big!

 

Knock, knock, knock.

There are knocks on the door. I'm about to run there, but Too stops me, telling me to step back with his eyes, then he strides to the door, opening it for the one waiting outside.

 

Another restriction my friends set up is that I have to stay at a proper distance away from Third, at least he won't feel uncomfortable or attacked

 

"Got here early?" Third, in a university uniform, asks, and we nod, looking at the slender figure with fair skin as he puts his laptop on a Japanese table on the floor.

 

"Bone and Too are using that table. You go to bed," I say evenly, trying to calm my heart as best as I can.

 

“Um, let's get to work. We can leave early if we finish it fast."

 

"We don't have a rehearsal tomorrow. Why do you want to leave early?" I ask curiously.

 

"I don't want to stay too long in someone else's room. I want to go back to my room."

 

That answer only comes out because it's my room, I guess....

 

"Hungry?"

 

"I've eaten."

 

"Yeah? Tell me if you're hungry. I'll go buy you some food."

 

"No need to. Let's get to work." He doesn't give me a chance to say anything more, so we start writing our papers with music on. 

 

At 8 p.m., Too and Bone keep saying how hungry they are and volunteer to go buy food. And now, the room is filled with dead silence again. Third and I exchange glances; neither of us says anything, so I muster up the courage to start speaking.

 

"I saw the photo on the stage play's page the other day. Isn't it funny?"

 

"..." He looks up at me.

 

"The photo of you eating." I actually told the admin to post it with that caption. It got a pretty good response, with more than 1,000 likes. Third is the only one with no reaction at all.

 

"I don't think it's funny. Well... about Praew, can you two work together?" He changes the subject out of the blue. I gulp, thinking

of an excuse.

 

"Of course, we've broken up."

 

"I see."

 

"Why? Worried about me?"

 

"As your friend, I'm worried." The word 'friend' pierces into my heart. It's painful, as if my heart is being stabbed repeatedly by an invisible knife. So this is what you've felt all this time, even though I kept emphasising our status as friends.

 

We continue working on the papers quietly. Third has built his wall up so high. If I want to have a conversation with him, I need to think carefully about what to say. But when I consider it with my brain, I don't think I should say it, so I turn to the wall and focus on the papers.

 

It's long past 8 p.m., and now it's nine, but those two assholes still haven't come back. Don't know if they've run away with some tits out there. I turn to ask Third out of worry if he's hungry.

 

"Third, if you." I hadn't finished my sentence when I saw the one I've been worried about falling asleep on the bed. I get up from my desk and walk absent-mindedly towards the sleepyhead. Not wanting to disturb him, I don't dare to make any noise or act rashly. just look at him in silence.

 

"Now that I look at you like this, you're pretty cute," I mumble, turning my eyes to his pink lips that are compressed and loosened from time to time. They remind me of our kiss. His sad eyes are now closed. His eyelashes are surprisingly long and curled. I've never noticed how his eyebrows and nose look. Maybe I'm so used to seeing him that I've never looked carefully at the details.

 

You're damn cute!

 

I've had a cute friend by my side but never noticed it. Why did I waste my energy looking for someone else for a long time?

 

The more I think about it, I can't help moving my face closer to look at him. We're so close that I can feel his even breath. I want to...

 

A dirty thought pops up in my head. Daaaaaaamn, how can I cure my habit to fuck around? I got a hard-on just by looking at his face. I've never been like this with him before. 

 

Now that I have feelings for him, my boner springs up like a rocking doll. And I'm wearing boxers right now. It sticks out so much that it almost rips through them. I cover it with my hand and try to back away, but the joke's on me when the sleeping guy opens up his eyes.

 

"Khai.."

 

"Huh? What did you say? I'm exercising." I leap away from the bed at the speed of light, lie face down on the floor, and do push-ups to shake off my dirty thought. Wait a bit, I'm humping the floor.

 

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you exercising now?" He slowly gets up and asks drowsily. He's such a pain. Why does he keep looking at me? He's gonna see my erect dick.

 

"I wanna stay fit. Gotta build muscle."

 

"There's a gym in this condo."

 

"Doing it here saves time. I'll be right back," I say and quickly stride into the bathroom. Building a beautiful world with my hands seems to be the easiest way right now. But don't forget that Third is in my room. He'll be shocked if I make some weird noise. What can I do, then?

 

I turn to the sink countertop, looking at a scattering of facial creams, a deodorant, and perfume bottles. To kill my lust, maybe I have to concentrate on something and stop thinking about sexual stuff. The first thing I pick up is perfume. I turn it around to read the logo, then put it back where it used to be. Right! The way to kill my lust is to patiently turn my skincare products to show the logos on the front. Fuck! I'm sweating like crazy.

 

Time has passed by, but it still doesn't work. I step under the shower head, turn it on so loud to full max, and start the ceremony with my five fingers. Holy shit! Nothing worked, and now I'm wet.

 

I walk out of the bathroom with a towel, acting as if I've just showered. Too and Bone have come back, so I talk to them to kill boredom. But Third gets up and goes straight to the bathroom.

 

Not even a minute has passed, and there goes a cry from the person in the bathroom. Third walks to the door, glowering. Those two Extremes and I exchange confused glances.

 

"Khai."

 

"What is it?" I'm sure I left no evidence there, so I'm not worried about that.

 

"Your pubes are all over the floor. Go clean them."

 

FAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!

 

"What did you do in the bathroom?" Bone asks, definitely onto me.

 

"Not your business. They fell down a lot because it's fall."

 

"Not because you rubbed it too hard?"

 

"Will you guys stop talking dirty? Go clean them now, I can't pee like that." Third's voice stops all my lustful thoughts. I hurry to the bathroom. We were normally pretty open about this, but now, I don't know why I've become a little teenage girl who feels shy every time someone knows she's touched herself.

 

"Khai." I stop in front of him.

 

"What?"

 

"Lower your voice next time you jerk off. I couldn't concentrate."

 

"O. Okay."

 

FAAAAAAAAK! FAAAAAAAAAK! Just kill me, goddamnit, just kill me!

 

My new image was destroyed after I lost it and jerked off in my bathroom. I'm gonna start over today. I dress up neatly, wearing a tie and a full university uniform because Third might notice some change in me.

 

We're meeting on the ground floor of the faculty's building, as usual, but I'm gonna start changing myself by riding my bike slower and being extra careful. Third always complained that I drove too fast. I start riding my bike slower now, Third.

 

When I arrive, my three dear friends scowl at me.

 

"Did you stop by Chiang Mai? We've waited for so long.” Too strikes me as soon as I reach them.

 

"Or did you wake up late?" Bone asks, too.

 

I got out at the usual time, but I rode Chawee slower today. It's dangerous, you know," I answer calmly, eyes glancing at the person sitting with these two pricks.

 

"What speed did you ride at? You're an hour late."

 

"Forty."

 

"You rode a big bike at forty? You fucktard, you think you were riding a sloth?" 

 

Damn, they don't hold back from fucking me up at all. If they hadn't promised to help me hit on Third, I would've smacked their heads by now.

 

"All right, Khai is here now. Let's go to class." Good thing Third changes the subject, so I don't get struck as hard as I thought I would.

 

We're studying at the lecture theatre today. The Extreme Gang always sits in the last row of seats because we don't like sitting in the front, even though it's where teachers can see us clearly. I walk ahead to the row and sit on a lecture chair. When I see Third's slender figure moving towards me, I'm relieved, thinking we'll sit next to each other as always, but no… He fucking walks past me to sit two chairs away!

 

Bone and Too see that and smile at me sheepishly. They sit next to me, not saying anything. The class goes on, but instead of focusing on the projector's screen, my mind keeps wandering to a certain person.

 

"Too, pass me your liquid eraser." I open my pencil case quickly and hand him mine.

 

"Here, here, I have it."

 

"Um, thanks."

 

Five minutes later...

 

"Too, what was on the previous slide? The second line."

 

"I wrote it. Take my note." I hand him my note right away. He looks at me with that ultimately suspicious expression but says nothing. When the class is over, Bone, who has been quietly observing the situation, asks me a question.

 

"Khai, Tomorrow is Thursday Theatre; shall we go?"

 

"Nah, it's boring." Thursday Theatre is an event Film Kids hold every Thursday for students from every faculty to watch a movie together and make comments, Film Kids' style. I've already participated too many times.

 

Since I refused to go, Bone immediately turned to ask the person next to him, Too.

 

"Too, let's go watch movie reviews tomorrow."

 

"Um...Okay. I heard they're planning to auction CDs to increase the budget for the stage play."

 

"What about you, Third? Wanna go?" I stop packing and turn around so fast I almost break my neck.

 

"What's on?"

 

"Lost in Translation."

 

"Count me in."

 

"Hey, I'll go, too! What the hell? Why didn't you ask me?" I blurt out after hearing Third would go. I fucking hate myself for having such unreasonable behaviour. 

 

They shake their heads at me tiredly, but I don't care. I've changed myself for Third, and I'm gonna do everything to get him back. 

 

In the evening, I tell Bone to bring the old CDs in our box to put up for auction. 2 p.m. on Thursday is the third-year Film students' free time. After classes, I look for Third at the front of the theatre room for a long while. He went somewhere alone after classes and still hasn't shown up.

 

"Khai, you shit, come wait inside." Too keeps poking my shoulder.

 

"Where the hell is he?"

 

"He went to meet Chen to talk about the play."

 

"Why did he tell you but not tell me?"

 

"Well, what have you done to him? He probably wants to be close to you, huh?"

 

"I'm trying to fix everything."

 

"You better keep it up. There, he's here." My dear friend puckers his lips at the slender figure walking here quietly. I wave to signal him, and soon he's with us.

 

"Why didn't you guys go inside first?"

 

"We were waiting for you. Look, I bought you snacks, in case you're hungry during the movie." I held out a plastic bag for him. He takes it, looking confused, then leads us inside.

 

As soon as Third sat down on a chair, I hurried to sit next to him, not wasting a single minute. Seconds later, he moves to sit two chairs away. I'm totally dumbfounded.

 

"The draft's hitting the spot. You stay there."

 

Woah! He stops me so suddenly that I almost fall off my chair. I can't do anything except look at my friend whom I have feelings for in silence. Third always focuses so hard when he watches a movie. He doesn't touch the snacks and water I bought him at all. Soon, more people start coming into the theatre room during the movie, plus, unfortunately, a new kid plops his button a chair between Third and me.

 

"Hey, Third, come to watch the movie?" Toy, second-year. This little shit is friendly with everyone.

 

"I heard they're holding an auction. I want to help them get money for the faculty."

 

"That's nice. I brought some CDs as well. Holy cow, you've got snacks?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"Can I eat them?"

 

Toooooooy, you shameless asshead. Third, I bought you the snacks; don't give them to anyone! I can only sit here, feeling restless, looking at both of them annoyedly. I pray that he won't do it.

 

"Sure, take them." FUCK!

 

Just come fight me, my beloved friend. He even gives him a whole bag. I suppress it all until the movie ends. A fourth-year MC goes up on the stage and introduces the next activity.

 

"All right, students. You already know that today we're holding a CD auction to increase the budget for the annual Comm Arts Stage Play. Without further ado, let's start with the first piece."

 

The picture of the CD is shown on the screen. It's an old CD set before the projector.

 

"Happy Together, from Boo, first-year, Soc. We'll start at twenty." The auction goes on until the screen shows a CD that stirs

 

"This one is from Khai, third-year, our Film Kid, one and only."

 

"It's an AV, a real piece from Japan, SuperX104. The cover is Yui wearing bras, ready to be stripped. Yui fans must not miss this. We'll start at ninety-nine satang. Anyone?"'

 

Daaaaaaaamn, you fucker!

 

I dart to Bone and smack the nape of his neck in an instant. You son of a bitch, who the fuck told you to put up my porn CD for auction? I shouldn't have trusted him to choose the CDs.

 

"Don't hit me, Khai. You said you wanted me to bring the old CDs."

 

“I meant the movie CDs, not the restricted, eighteen-plus CD, you dumbass."

 

"Chill out, I'm actually helping you here. You want to stop being a playboy, then you'd better get rid of this kind of stuff."

 

"Shut your mouth." Because Third's expression has changed. The way he looks at me changes. His eyes are now full of pity. Gaaaaaah, I'm going crazy. When I'm about to explain, he turns away to look at the stage.

 

"Two hundred and sixty-nine."

 

"Whoa, now it's at two hundred and sixty-nine. Anyone?"

 

"Three hundred."

 

"At three hundred now."

 

Look at the price. Why don't you download it to watch at home? I got this one from an illegal 18+ website, ten CDs for one hundred and ninety-nine baht. The price got so high. I don't know if they want to help raise the budget or are in love with Yui's big tits.

 

"All right, Yui's CD is sold at three hundred baht and twenty-five satang. Come get your CD at the side of the stage. The next one is a box set of ten AV CDs from Khai again. This collection has many pretty stars. Buy it to get horny all night. We'll start at nineteen baht. Bid if you want it." 

 

FUUUUUUCK!

 

I feel disheartened the more I listen to this. I don't know where to hide my face anymore. Did you bring all of them, you fucking Bone? Look at the students from other faculties. They're looking for me curiously. Wanna get a good look at my handsome face so daaaaaaaaamn much, huh? I grumble at my crappy friend until that box set is sold.

 

"And this is the last one from Khai. Damn, you brought a lot. It's called Circles of Friends. We'll start at five baht."

 

My face goes numb after a movie CD appears in front of my eyes. I try to blink many times, but I still see the same thing. Third bought me that CD for my birthday in our first year at university, and I've always kept it until today. It's been put up for auction, and I had no idea at all. Bone, who had no fucking idea as well, has totally fucked me up.

 

"Third, I'm not the one putting it up," I tell him immediately. He looks downhearted but still answers me with a smile.

 

"It's fine, it's been long. You should sell it."

 

"That's not it. Bone."

 

"Two hundred and ninety-nine. Going once, going twice." The MC's voice reaches my ears. Not having time to explain myself at that moment, I raise my hand and shout.

 

"Five hundred."

 

"Khai's buying his own CD. Anyone else?"

 

"Five hundred and ninety-nine." Someone shouts. I won't back off. This CD must come back to me.

 

"Five hundred and ninety-nine baht and eighty-nine satang. I'll transfer the money to your bank account right now!"

 

"Anyone else? Five hundred and ninety-nine baht and eighty-nine satang, going once, going twice. Sold! Khai, come collect your damn CD."

 

I hustle to the front of the stage to get my CD back. I'm gonna cry. It's more expensive than the firsthand version, but that's not the point. What Third's feeling is more important.

 

Third keeps a straight face, not saying a word. I'm feeling uneasy but don't know how to explain myself, so I just sit down quietly, waiting for the next CD to display on the screen.

 

"The next one is Flipped from Third, third-year Film Kid. We'll start at ten baht. Anyone?"

 

"Third..." is what I say after seeing the CD I bought him last year being put up for auction. My heart is broken. He said he loved this movie so much and promised to cherish it as best he could.

 

"I think it's old, so I put it up for auction."

 

"Don't you remember I'm the one who bought you the CD?"

 

"It's not like you've ever cared, plus you don't even like this movie. It's okay, it'll help the faculty" But you're not helping me at all.

 

Third has hurt me so cruelly, but this much can't be compared to what he's suffered for two years. I'll make up for everything, but I also won't let him go. He's trying to cut me off right now while I'm trying to pull him back into my life. So this is karma, huh?

 

"Two hundred. Anyone?"

 

"One thousand!" I shout so loud that everyone turns to look at me.

 

"Khai, you shit, are you rich from selling porns? Anyone else?" The MC goes quiet for a moment. I tap the table restlessly.

 

"One thousand baht, going once, going twice.."

 

"One thousand and five hundred."

 

Too, you fucker, you piece of traaaaaaaaash. 

 

My anger boils up instantly as soon as Too, my beloved, asshead friend, raises his hand. That fucker smiles at me as if he didn't mean to do it, but I know he did it on purpose.

 

"Anyone?"

 

"Two thousand!" I'm fucking broke now. I have to eat instant noodles for this whole month. 

 

Don't raise your hand, please, dude, because I'll get the CD back no matter what it takes. Lucky for me, my friends pity me and don't raise their hands. The final bid at four hundred and ninety-nine in my distant memory has shot up to two thousand. My life. is so fucked up.

 

Once the CD is in my possession again, the auction continues until it ends. Bone and Too leave first, so I get a chance to be with Third alone.

 

"I got the CD."

 

"Um."

 

"I don't have any money now. Let me have dinner with you today."

 

"I have to meet Yongyee to talk about work."

 

"Yeah? Are you free tomorrow?"

 

"No, I have to meet Chen." I wear a sad look on my face, but I reach into my pocket for my phone and call the person who was mentioned. He answers after a while.

 

"Chen? What are you doing with Third tomorrow? Yeah? Oh. see. Okay-yeah." I hung up immediately, making the person beside me halt and look at me with a straight face.

 

"Why did you call Chen?"

 

"You said you had to meet him, but he told me you didn't have to."

 

"Whoa, you're free now!"

 

"Fuck you."

 

"Then let's eat together in your room tomorrow. And keep this CD." I thrust the CD of Flipped into his hand and told him again,

 

"You can trade it for my gift on New Year, but don't throw it away, please."

 

"I didn't throw it away. I just wanted other people to watch it."

 

"Then let them find the movie themselves."

 

"You're annoying. Leave already. I'm gonna leave now."

 

"You said you had to meet Yongyee. Did you lie to me?"

 

"Gaaaaaah! You're fucking annoying. I won't talk to you anymore."

 

"You're cute when you're fierce."

 

"Fuck off."

 

"Fierce boy, fierce boy, fierce boy."

 

Ever since I've admitted my deep feelings, Third has become the creature I want to mess around with in an instant. 

 

I get back to my room, take a shower, jump onto the bed, and play on my phone. I usually took girls to screw somewhere, but my life isn't busy anymore, so I have a loooooot of free time. And I'm over the moon with it because now I have time to talk to someone.

 

K.Khunpo: How long has it been since we last texted each other...?

 

Third

 

My message is read five minutes later, but there's no reply.

 

K.Khunpol: What are you doing?

 

Third

 

It's just the same. Read but no reply. I'm so discouraged that I want to cry. I've never been after someone to this extent ever since 1 was born. They'd normally flirt with me when I texted them; some of them even sent me photos of their tits, but this...There is no acknowledgement from your requested love.

 

K.Khunpol: Are you mad at me? I'm sorry

 

Read but no reply again. I'm discouraged, dispirited, and hopeless. Now that I've stopped being a playboy, I'm just one crappy guy, but I won't give up. I have to beg for his attention more.

 

K.Khunpol: 

Why

Don't

You

Answer

Me

My

Baby

?

 

ThirdThatMeansNumberThree: Why the fuck do you keep texting me? I'm going to bed.

 

K.Khunpol: Oh, yeah? Then...Dream about me.

 

Oh, life..It feels like I've become a little teenage giri. After I texted him to dream about me, I'm so shy that I squirm. Fuck! This is just like little Khunpol's first love. I see the word 'Read in front of my eyes and get excited to see his answer.

 

And in that second.

 

ThirdThatMeansNumberThree: olo

 

Awwwwwwwww! I'm so happy. I don't know why, but seeing the dick he sent to me, my heart feels so incredibly warm. I quickly send him a sticker.

 

K.Khunpol: (=0s)

 

Lov...'ve never felt it this much with anyone before. I'm super happy. Yeah, I'mma hump my bolster tonight.

 

Dream about me. Dream about a dick.

 

Let's go, baby!