Theory of Love

Get Over and Move On.

 

What Khai said sticks in my head; I can't shake it off. Even at the moment I stagger back to my room, my brain seems to remember only those words, his voice, his expression that said he meant every word. I've lost him, both as someone special and as a friend...There's nothing left.

 

Tears keep falling with no sign of stopping. I sob all alone without Too and Bone by my side. I don't care if someone will come to comfort me. I walk to the bathroom and step inside. Tears blur my vision so much that I can't even see my hope; the sorrow has taken over. This time, it hurts so much that I don't have the mood to turn on the music. It might have been funny at that time, but now I feel so pathetic to myself. I can't talk to him and try to get back to the way things were anymore.

 

The freezing-cold water pouring down my face makes me cry my eyes out. At least the sound of water is loud enough to drown out my hurtful sobs. Someone said that one day...we'd find someone who loved and accepted us for who we were. One day, we'd find someone compatible with us. I've always believed that, though I couldn't remember who said it. And one day, I got to meet Khai. 

 

He introduced himself to me as Khunpol. He smiled at me, bought me snacks, asked me to join the gang, and we stuck to each other like glue ever since. We had lots of things in common. We could read each other's minds. We shared our secrets. You could say that we became part of each other. What's different is that Khai sees this relationship as a friendship, while I see it as something else...

 

The water's still running down my face. The coldness seeps through my heart. My body's shuddering. My clothes get all soaked, but I still don't go out, just sitting there, curling, hurting all by myself. Tomorrow... Can I be a new person? Tomorrow, can I look at him with an honest heart? Because just looking at his face, those hurtful words start repeating themselves in my head. Since he doesn't care or feel anything, why am I the only one getting hurt?

 

"Third! Third, are you in the bathroom?" Too's voice reaches my ears, not very clear, but I can feel the voice coming nearer. I don't answer, just sitting quietly under the pouring water from the shower head.

 

"Third, come out and talk to me."

 

"Drenching yourself like that is a waste of water." 

 

He's not concerned about me at all. But I still choose not to answer. Too goes quiet for a while. He probably thinks he should let me be alone to ponder things, but no... the water stops running, and my mood gets interrupted as if I've stopped at the edge of a cliff. I'm so fucking mad that I bawl.

 

"Too, you motherfucker! Why did you close the valve?"

 

Bang! Bang! Bang!

There's no reply except the continuous bangs on the bathroom's door. "I want to be alone."

 

"Come out. I need to take a shit. Hurry up!" His angry voice makes me get up. The alcohol in my blood is suddenly all gone. I walk to the door and turn the doorknob, facing the person on the other side, my heart sensitive.

 

"You have diarrhoea?" I say in a trembling voice. I don't know how messed up I look, but as soon as Too sees me, he immediately pulls me into a hug.

 

"It's okay, dude, it's okay.."

 

I was going to stop crying, but he makes me tear up again. I'm lucky that I still have Too and Bone. No matter how hurt I feel, they're always by my side.

 

"You're getting wet, shithead," I say, my voice muffled.

 

"Who told you to stand under the water like that? You're such an idiot."

 

"It hurts."

 

"Khai didn't mean it."

 

"No, it hurts because you called me an idiot. Let me get changed for a sec." 

 

I changed the topic to lighten up the mood. Too nods understandingly and plops down on the sofa to kill time. He's still there when I've finished changing. His damp, worn-out shirt was thrown down on the floor.

 

"Feeling better?" He asks with a straight face. 

 

I can't tell if he's worried or annoyed.

 

"Um."

 

"Your eyes are swollen, you shit. So fucking ugly."

 

"Yeah, sorry."

 

"Come sit here. Let's talk."

 

"What's there to talk about?"

 

"Come on. Your friend told you to sit, so sit. Why be so fussy? Fricking annoying." 

 

Sometimes I hate him, but I don't want to argue with him, so I sit on the sofa unwillingly.

 

"Say what you want to say, but I'm not in the mood to play jokes with you."

 

"Khai told me he didn't mean to say that.." 

 

Upon hearing his name, my heart clenches so hard it hurts.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"You stirred up his anger."

 

"It's all my fault."

 

"Third, am I your friend?" I nod to that question. "Then listen to me."

 

I stare at him, not even blinking. Too looks sterner than ever, and I'm afraid I might not be able to take it if he says something that will hurt my feelings.

 

"What do you want me to listen to? I can't take anything in anymore."

 

"You will get through this. You see, our friendship is on the edge of breaking down. If you don't get over it, everything is over. You don't want all of us to be over, right?" His words cut through my heart. Right! I'm not the only one getting hurt. Too and Bone also got affected by this situation.

 

"I'm sorry for making things turn out this bad."

 

"Khai is wrong for saying that shitty stuff, but you're also wrong. A dumbshit like him wouldn't know why you're mad at him. He keeps on living his life the way he always does and thinks you're the only one who has changed."

 

"And it's because you couldn't control your feelings today that things got out of hand. You know what..? You felt hurt, all right, but the one who said it felt hurt, too." 

 

His words make me downhearted. I can only look down and listen. I'm the one who caused all the fuss. I first thought that I'd keep this unrequited love to myself forever. That's why I'd had a secret crush on him for two years and been able to endure it when Khai went out with all the girls. I'd never tried to stop him or meddled in his business.

 

Until the day I found out that his many acts towards me were just part of a test, my feelings were broken down, and I couldn't keep the sadness to myself anymore. I felt like my best friend betrayed me. I was adrift and could only tell myself again and again that it was okay, though I knew how terribly hurt I was feeling. That's why I couldn't control my feelings and burst out, as you've seen.

 

"What are you gonna do now?" Too's voice brings me back to reality again.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"About your feelings for Khai."

 

"I will keep it to myself and never say it ever again."

 

"You won't confess?"

 

"It's useless. I don't know if we'll still be friends if I confess. You know him. He's so self-assured, and no one can ever change his mind. I've always been his friend. I don't think I can be anything more than that." 

 

Like fire, it's warm to stay beside it, so why would you step inside and let it burn your heart?

 

"Um. I wish you luck."

 

"Thanks."

 

"You're the only one in our gang who's not extreme at all. Everyone has to take care of you. What a fucking kiddo." 

 

He rubs my damp hair in annoyance. I don't tell him off or anything; I look at him with an annoyed look. It's like I'm a black sheep in the Extreme Gang. Our concept is to be extremely savage and hot. Everyone has a bad-boy look, but not me… Maybe that's what makes me different from Khai.

 

"Wanna watch a movie?" Too asks.

 

"What movie?"

 

"Up to you. I have lots of CDs. I'll watch it with you tonight. Let's have a movie marathon."

 

"Really? Let's watch Her."

 

"You choose, you play it."

 

In a sad, lonely, and chilling night, Too stays by my side to comfort me. He never uses fancy words with me as other friends in the faculty would do, but his actions say it all. On the day I fell, I had this punk... and tons of movies as my friends that will never leave.

 

Khai, I need some more time. From now on.. 'I'm gonna be strong, I'm gonna get over you and move on without feeling hurt again. 

 

I hear someone whistling from a distance. The sunlight seeping through the curtains to wake me up makes me rub my eyes several times, and then I find myself curled up in a pile of thick blankets that seem to have been thrown at me carelessly. My dear friend is calmly buttoning his shirt in front of the closet. Too looks at me in the mirror and says softly.

 

"I'm going to class."

 

"Why didn't you wake me?"

 

"I woke you half an hour ago. You said you wouldn't go."

 

"Asshole! When did I say that?"

 

"Come on, just go back to sleep. We finished all the movies at five, and you probably don't want to face Khai, right?" I listen quietly. I have two classes today, no biggie, plus it's just as Too said. I'm not ready to see Khai right now.

 

"You're worried about me, huh? What about you? Didn't you sleep?"

 

"My friend, I gotta see a girl today."

 

He fucking loves me. When it comes to girls, Too breaks all the rules of laziness. Seeing him turn around to grab his camera bag and two lecture notebooks, I get even more annoyed. Isn't it good to be him? He has nothing to think of or worry about. He doesn't give his heart to anyone because, in the end, love can't be guaranteed to last as we hope.

 

"Milk is in the fridge. Cereal is on the counter." 

Our group's hipster stresses it.

 

"Yeah, thanks."

 

"For lunch, if you're lazy, there's a rice box in the freezer. You can warm it and eat it."

 

"You treat me like I'm your baby."

 

“I guess you could say that. I'm leaving."

 

"Um, see ya."

 

Too waves at me, carries his bag, and walks out of the room. Now, it's just me lying stupidly on the bed. I scroll through the feed on my phone, not knowing what to do next.

 

Am I lonely? Yes, I fucking am, but I think I'll get used to this feeling soon. Nobody contacts me throughout the day I spend like I have much free time in Too's room. Time passes by until it's almost five in the evening, and someone knocks on the door.

 

Knock, knock, knock.

I'm sitting on the sofa and have to get up to open the door. I want to yell at Too for having the key but being too lazy to use it, but every word goes back down my throat when I see that the person in front of me isn't the owner of this room but someone else...

 

"Khai.." I mumble his name so quietly. He's wearing an untucked student shirt, looking at me with no expression.

 

"Eг..."

 

"Er, well." We look at each other stupidly for a while. I don't dare to speak a word because I've learned to protect myself with silence.

 

"I'm here to give you handouts from classes today." He speaks at last.

 

"Thank you." I reached out to receive the handouts from his hand, and then we were in dead silence. We're not close enough to say what's on our minds as we were before.

 

"Are you sick?"

 

"No, just lazy. Do you wanna come in?" 

 

He nods, so we walk towards the sofa and sit there. On the TV screen, an old movie. Khai sits down quite far from me. I don't mind.

 

"I'm not here just to give you the handouts."

 

“I'm here to apologise for saying those terrible things to you yesterday. I didn't mean it."

 

"It's okay. I'm sorry, too, for making you mad."

 

Nothing is better than apologising to each other. I really want to thank Khai for backing down and apologising to me first; otherwise I wouldn't have the courage to face him.

 

"Third, can you and I start over?"

 

Khai doesn't ask why I was mad at him, and I also intend to keep it a secret forever, so what's done is done.

 

"All right, it sucks fighting with you." But I won't risk my heart being broken anymore.

 

"If you've forgiven me, can we stay together again? Too's room is pretty cramped."

 

"It's not. Too is fine with it, so I don't plan to move out." Since I said I'd step back, I need to go all the way. If I move back to Khai's room, who knows what I'll have to deal with? One thing is for sure: there's pain awaiting in that room. It hurts if I'm too close to him. Keeping a distance like this is probably better.

 

"I'm not rushing you to move in. I want you to think about it."

 

"Then let me think about it first."

 

"How's the script, anyway?" Now that we feel more comfortable around each other, there's a new topic to talk about. We can talk, look each other in the eye, and feel gradually more relaxed.

 

"I haven't started."

 

"Chen asked me about you."

 

"Why didn't he call me?"

 

"I told him not to. I thought you might want to spend your stupid time alone." See? Khai knows me so well. If I were to lose him, I'd rather feel hurt alone but still have him by my side. At least we can still be friends.

 

"Khai, thank you."

 

"You're my friend."

 

Thank you for still counting me as your friend. ...I will get over you.

 

Too beat me back to class the next day, and Bone and Khai joined hands and stuck with me like leeches. I just got a favourable time to separate myself from them because they had their own things to do. I feel so much better than yesterday. Just thinking about the Extreme gang almost returning to its normal state encourages me to do many things.

 

Chen, a bulky, bear-sized fourth-year student, is the stage director for the first time and also on the scriptwriting team. He's the very reason why I have to separate myself from my friends to sit here, scowling, exchanging ideas with this senior at the library.

 

We've talked a lot. I've suggested thousands of ideas, but they were all brushed off. Good thing Yongyee, the other senior on the team, needs to attend class; otherwise it'll be more troublesome.

 

"How about making fun of the Thai education system? It's trending right now." 

 

I don't remember what number this idea is, but considering the expression of this bulky guy with a bushy beard, it'll be brushed off as well.

 

"Why are you so concerned about this kind of stuff? It's not a popular topic."

 

"We can make an indie play."

 

“It's hard for the audience. Write a love story."

 

"I don't believe in it"

 

"That's only you, but the audience wants something simple. We need something heart-fluttering," he says sternly. "They're students, Third. Their daily lives are stressful enough. We're not making a short film but a stage play for students. Who would watch our play if you only care about what you like?"

 

I feel like a second dad is nagging beside my ears. I can only keep my head down and write something random on the paper with my pencil, not knowing what idea to suggest.

 

Excuse me, Extreme senior.."An angel flies down in front of us, making Chen zip his lips and turn to look at the newcomer immediately.

 

She's a first-year student, judging by the name tag hanging around her neck. She has fair skin and is wearing an oversized student shirt, probably three sizes larger than her usual size. Her hair is pulled back tightly. She has flawless skin without any makeup on, and she's handing me something.

 

"Yes?" I  reply in a daze.

 

"My friend told me to give this to you. She wants you to pass it on to Bone."

 

"Your friend?"

 

"Yes, she's shy, so she told me to do it. I'll take my leave now." She dashes away right after she said that, leaving Chen and me looking at each other for a long moment.

 

"Open it," the bear-sized human says in his fucking annoying voice.

 

"It's for Bone."

 

"He's your best friend, come on." Before I know it, I unwrap a small paper folded in the shape of something I can't tell. Bone, I'm sorry.

 

‘Extreme senior, I like you.'

 

I almost laughed after reading the whole message. This is not the first time someone has done this because, besides messages, I sometimes received snacks from the juniors to pass on to my gang's members. It's like I'm a middleman who has to watch those three Extremes trying to score the highest in our major.

 

"Kids these days. What an old-fashioned way of flirting," the bear-looking senior says jokingly.

 

"So Bone has this kind of cute moment, too, huh?"

 

"Let me see." He holds out his big hand, so I put the paper on it and think about the plot.

 

"Is it okay if we write about love that happens in the library?" My hand stops moving at Chen's words, and I look up again to see the person sitting opposite. Love in the library…

 

"Isn't that too lame?"

 

"That's why I need a genius scriptwriter like you to help me. I don't care if the plot is lame. It's up to us to make it more interesting."

 

"That's the problem."

 

“Think about it, Third. In a year, lots of students use the library. Even the good-for-nothings go there at least once in a year. Don't you think that the boredom of using the library will liven up if we add a love story to it?"

 

I think about the senior's suggestion. In my opinion, going to the library is repetitive because I only used it during exams, and I'd reserve a private room rather than sit with others, so I didn't see many people besides friends from the same faculty.

 

But, looking from a different perspective, using our time to observe other people's lives might work for the plot. I saw some students keep exchanging glances, though they didn't even know each other's names.

 

"Interesting."

 

"Then let's try? And we'll share ideas later."

 

"I'll survey the library this week, then. You try to come up with a tentative plot outline and improve it together next week because we're running out of time." 

 

As the due date approaches, we need to decide quickly and divide the work properly, since a good script can make a successful play.

 

"All right, I'll tell Yongyee. She's good at writing dialogues."

 

"She's romantic but has no boyfriend."

 

"You don't have to be that harsh to your friend."

 

"Don't tell her, then. Okay, everything's set. We'll think about the name after the plot's done."

 

"Okay."

 

"Now, disperse." Chen always does things fast. He disappears right after giving orders. He's a very skilled senior in the Film major, not handsome but has a goddamn pretty girlfriend. His friends envy him because he's never known the word 'fail.' With only his silver tongue and potential, girls come running to kneel at his feet.

 

What about me..? Let me have a quick look at myself. I'm in the Extreme Gang but not extreme in any way. I'm not strikingly handsome, don't have any particular skills, and am ranked at the top of a list of people with terrible social skills. Right! It's only fair that nobody wants me.

 

This week, I've been going to the library frequently, and I've been bringing those three punks with me every time because our relationship is almost back to the way it was. I've also gotten better at controlling my feelings. I've stopped expecting anything or meddling in Khai's personal life. And so the pain in my heart has subsided a bit. My heart isn't completely healed, but it feels much better than before.

 

Today, my fellow Extremes and I sat at the central table in the library. Lots of students from different faculties surrounded us. Many of them glanced at us and smiled. We've been feeling some source of energy for the past hour we've been sitting here.

 

Bone is the first one to get up, saying he's going to the restroom. He's whistling happily on the way back because he got a girl's LINE ID. Khai and Too are no joke, either. For the past week, these three fuckers have screwed a bunch of girls just by coming to chill out at the library.

 

"Third, I'm bored. Can I use your laptop?" The person sitting opposite me asks with his deep voice, though his hand is already reaching out for it.

 

"Sure."

 

"Did you pin porn sites?"

 

"I'm not you, who would definitely do that."

 

"I take that as a compliment."

 

Khai spends his free time on my laptop to kill time while I focus on writing the script. At the beginning of the second week, the scriptwriting team began discussing the plot. We've exchanged ideas and done the plot outline. So now, Chen and I have to write treatments for each act and scene together, while Yongyee has to write dialogues and rewrite the overall plot. The script is still far from finished, but we have an idea for the play's name. We'll combine two words-'like' and 'library'-and so, the name of our annual stage play is:

'Likebrary'

 

Everyone in the meeting agrees that this name will definitely be recognisable to the audience.

 

Rrrrr...!

After the meeting with the heads of each team is over, Khai calls me. I look at his name on the screen for a while, thinking, and finally answer.

 

"What's up?"

 

[Are you free? Let's have some meal and watch a movie.]

 

"Um… okay." My heart is beating fast. I'm happy every time he wants to hang out with me. Even though I always tell myself that he only does that because we're friends, I'm still happy. Though I can't have him, being part of the life of the person you've been loving is good enough.

 

[Then come to the faculty's parking lot now. We'll go together.] He says in a deep voice. I can't help asking about those two fuckers.

 

"What about Too and Bone?"

 

[Going somewhere. It's only you and me right now. Hurry up! I'm hungry.]

 

When Khai hangs up, I stride forward, heading to the parking lot where the tall figure is waiting for me. look at him leaning on his dear Chawee, smiling. He smiles back, and we're off to where he planned to go.

 

We stop by an Italian restaurant and eat to our hearts' content before we go to the next stop. Khai takes me to a big cosmetic shop swarming with girls. I, who am unfamiliar with this place, stay close to the person beside me.

 

"What are you gonna buy? And why the hell are we here?" We're standing in a lipstick section, and it makes me so embarrassed that I want to dig a hole and escape.

 

"I'm gonna buy lipstick for my girl." My face tenses up, but I say nothing, accepting the fact that he always spends money on girls. I often saw him buy perfumes or cosmetics for his girls, but he never asked any friends for help choosing, unlike today.

 

"Why don't you let her choose by herself?"

 

"Dunno. I want to choose it for her. It'll look like I care." Right, so you took someone who knows nothing about lipsticks like me here instead. And then he asks, "Is this colour pretty?"

 

I look at a pink lipstick in my best friend's hand and nod.

 

"Um."

 

"What about this one?"

 

"Looks pretty, too."

 

"What about this one? Out of these three colours, which one is the prettiest?"

 

"She has only one mouth. Why so many?"

 

"Girls don't think as you do. Choose!"

 

"This one is pink. This one is also pink. This one is...also pink. What's the difference?"

 

"Right?" We look like two idiots trying to choose a lipstick. Of course, Khai and I have no idea what the difference is until a

cosmetic staff comes to our rescue.

 

"What type of lipstick are you looking for, sir?" 

 

Khai pokes my shoulder repeatedly, passing the buck to me to answer while he looks up at the light and ceiling. What a fucking asshole!

 

"The type that you use on lips." Faaaaaaaak, that's the most stupid answer ever.

 

“There are many types of lipsticks-solid and liquid, matte and satin, or tints for a light hint of colour." Woah, I don't understand what she said at all, so point at the lipsticks Khai chose before.

 

"These."

 

"If you want to know what they look like, you can swatch them." Swatch?

 

A moment later, she's called to make a recommendation to another customer, leaving us two idiots looking at each other with a

question: What does 'swatch' mean?

 

"Third."

 

"What?"

 

"Let me try them on your lips." And here we go, Khai colours my lips with lipstick samples. I really want to cry when Khai laughs out loud. I almost get a heart attack every time I look in the mirror. He tries this and that for a while until the staff comes back.

 

"Did you find the colours you like?"

 

"The ones on my friend's lips. Do they look okay?"

 

"HUH?!" Everyone in the shop is stunned. My upper lip is pink, my lower lip is Korean light orange. You motherfucker, don't ever ask me to do this ever again. I'm your friend, not a guinea pig. 

 

The shop's staff go frantic, trying to remove the colours on my lips with cleansing water. When we've paid for the lipsticks, I hurry out of the shop so fast they can't even see my shadow.

 

Khai definitely got a bunch of lipsticks he liked and spent quite a lot of money, but my damn best friend wasn’t done yet. He dragged me to a brand-name shop to buy a bracelet.

 

"Fuck, they're damn expensive."

 

"We're just looking. Is this one pretty?" He shows me a silver bracelet in his big hand.

 

"I don't know how to choose a bracelet. You do it yourself." Khai stops bothering me and quietly looks through the bracelets.

 

We leave after Khai buys one, then we go to other shops to buy several more things. Now, we stop at a big bookstore. There are many books I want, but I can only buy some of them.

 

"What are you thinking?" The tall figure standing close behind me asks.

 

"I'm thinking about which one I should buy."

 

"Just buy all of them."

 

"You shit, I already bought four. The max is five. I'll take this one." I decide at the last second, grabbing a book about filmmaking and paying for it at the checkout counter.

 

"Hurry up, we won't make it to the movie in time." Khai nodded understandingly with his handsome face. We walked to the theatre side by side, carrying many shopping bags. Do you have any idea how happy I am today?

 

I had a meal with you, went shopping with you, strolled around with you, and am about to watch a movie with you. Even though I still can't get over you completely, what we are now is the best thing I could ever ask for.

 

We sat next to each other in the theatre. The situation is so different from that day when I could only watch him from behind. It fucking sucked when we fought, and I'll never let it happen again.

 

From the beginning to the end credits, it's the two hours that have watered my once-withered heart, though the movie isn't romantic at all.

 

"Many clichés but well-made." We're the only ones left in the theatre. We're talking and leisurely looking at the scrolling names of people.

 

"That's what I think. I like the plot and the last scene."

 

"So damn toooouching."

 

"Where are you going after this?" I ask.

 

"It's past midnight, Mister Third. I'm going to my room."

 

"Oh, I forgot."

 

"Our stuff is in the locker, isn't it? Let's get it and leave." I want to stop time and stay like this a little more, but I know it's impossible. Why am I so greedy for just some time spent with my friend?

 

I'm walking, lost in thought, with Khai stepping beside me. We parked at different spots, so we have to split on the underground floor. He holds out a white plastic bag to me with his big hand, not telling me what's in there.

 

"What is it?"

 

"Just take it."

 

"It's for me?"

 

"Yeah. See you tomorrow. Don't get up late." 

 

Khai rubs my hair playfully and walks in another direction, leaving me staring at the plastic bag in my hand quietly, and when I open it slightly, I see...Another book I wanted to buy.

 

Do you know how good it feels? I might not have his heart, but I have his attention. That is enough. It's so touching that I want to cry. I hurry to my car before things get too emotional (sob).

 

The scriptwriting team put so much effort into the script, and finally, what we've been trying to achieve for over a month has been accomplished: we've finished writing it. So Chen and Yongyee use this opportunity to celebrate with me, with my three friends tagging along.

 

It's a bar and restaurant. We order lots of food and beer. We've been hanging out since 8 p.m., and now it's 11 p.m., but nobody seems to want to leave anytime soon.

 

I don't touch a single drop of alcohol, afraid, as we know, I might blurt out some shitty stuff again. Too and Bone also help keep me away from alcohol. Despite their good intentions, they now look just like stray dogs because they've encountered the bear-sized human who has a hollow leg.

 

We've been clinking glasses since we started our meal, and now the place is about to close. Empty glasses were filled continuously. That's why they get wasted like this. Lucky for Yongyee that she left first, so she doesn't have to carry these assholes to the car with tears rolling down her face. She ran away in time, and I'm the one who has to take on the burden.

 

Whoa, how am I supposed to deal with these four living souls?

 

"Chen, I think you should stop now, or else you won't be able to get home." If I need to stop someone, then it should be this damn leader.

 

"It's all right. My girlfriend's picking me up." 

 

Oh, thanks. You're incredibly good at surviving.

 

"That's enough, the three of you. I won't carry you guys home."

 

"My eyes are still as clear as crystal." Bone's still talking shit. He ran to the restroom to throw up just now. It'll be a miracle if you survive the night, bastard.

 

I have to keep pouring water into their glasses to sober them up. It helps a bit. Only Khai is staggering, fumbling his way down the wall to the restroom, his face all red. He's not usually like this, but unfortunately he met Chen, who speaks his language and is good at getting people in the mood. And this is the result.

 

I wait for Khai at our table for a long moment, but he still doesn't come back. My restless mind drives me to get up to my full height and follow him to the men's restroom. I'm relieved when I see him stand unsteadily in front of a urinal.

 

"Took a long time to piss, huh?"

 

"Um."

 

"Do you know you can't even talk properly right now?" I say, eyes locked on him trying to zip up his pants feebly. He looks so pitiful that I hurry to support his body and help him wash his hands.

 

"Are you okay? How many fingers are there?" I lift my thumb and index finger in front of him. Khai looks at them with heavy eyes.

 

"You must be really drunk. I'll take you home. I'll tell the manager to take care of your bike tonight, and about those two..."

 

I hadn't finished my sentence when the big figure pushed me to the wall so hard that I cried out. "What the hell?!"

 

His face moves close to mine, his breath reeking of alcohol. My mind suddenly goes blank. I don't know what to do first, and I look at him silently, my eyes wide open.

 

It takes me minutes to collect myself. I'm about to push Khai away, but he's faster than me. He places his hands on the wall, locking me in place,

 

"Khai, you're drunk. You. Uml"

 

In a split second, my world is shaken so hard, so hard it's lost all direction. He presses his lips on mine so suddenly, shattering my thoughts into bits.

 

I can't breathe, and Khai keeps pressing his lips on mine.

 

The first question that pops into my head is, 'Did you want to kiss me?' I keep thinking about it, but no words get out of my mouth except the indecipherable 'um' and 'uh.'

 

With the skill in his drunk mode, the way he kisses me easily gets me carried away. I've lost my conscience. I've told myself he's my friend, yet I'm still selfish. Still, I hold on to hope that we can be more than just friends.

 

He changes the angle of his face. He's so experienced that I can't help but open my mouth and let his hot tongue slip in. Beads of sweat are forming on my face and in the middle of my back.

 

I'm unfamiliar with having another tongue slide into my mouth. I don't even know how to breathe, so I just let him take the lead. I feel the spark of electricity shooting in my chest. His big hands move from the wall to my face, lifting it to make our lips lock perfectly.

 

"Ummm." I try to force out a voice when it gets harder to catch my breath. But this selfish guy is so determined with this saliva-swapping kiss that our mouths are all wet. We're tangling our tongues til our saliva wells up at the corners of our mouths. Khai sucks out everything from me as if he wishes to yank my soul out of my body.

 

An astringent taste and the pungent smell of blood slip down my throat. A pang of pain spreads all over my face. He bit me. I'm being kissed so hard my lips are swelling. I let him do it til he's satisfied, and when he is, he steps back and lets me free.

 

The restroom echoes with my gasps. The drunk guy is still looking at me with those heavy eyes. That punk licks his lips, not moving away.

 

"Khai..."

 

"Praew."

 

"...!!!" 

 

It's like I'm being hit with a hammer right at my ear. I was stunned when I heard him say somebody else's name right in my face. Not just that, he bends down to kiss me again even more harshly.

 

I know I might not mean much to him, but I still want to be good to him as much as I can. I can bear his terrible words and behaviours. I can bear being treated as part of his test. I can bear going shopping for his girls with him. It's all because I believe that having feelings for him is enough to make me happy.

 

But look at what a fool like me gets from all of this. I don't expect anything much. It's just, when we kiss...Can you call my name for once?

 

"Praew, Praew.."

 

After he pulls back, he keeps calling someone else's name, leaving the listener standing there, wanting to cry. So this is the feeling of unrequited love. No matter how much you love that person, you can't make him yours.

 

This is the worst hurt I've ever felt… ever since I started loving him.

 

I attended classes the next morning, as usual. Nobody spoke about last night. I also didn't. Everyone will only know that Third went to the restroom to carry Khai out last night, and that was it. 

 

The first class starts at ten. I sat beside Khai, who was quick to apologise to me for getting so wasted that I had to take him home. I only smile sheepishly, telling him it's okay repeatedly even though I feel so broken inside.

It's okay is what I say to comfort myself, probably.

 

"Guys, after classes at noon, don't leave yet, okay?" The person beside me says in a deep voice, turning our attention from the projector screen to him again.

 

"What's the matter, you punk? I have to meet a senior from the photo club," Too asks, curious. There are no afternoon classes today. We usually split after classes are over, and have to meet with the stage play's production team.

 

"Is it important?" Bone asks.

 

"Not really, but I want you guys to eat with me before leaving."

 

"Okay."

 

"What about you, Third? Will you eat with us?" 

 

I nod in agreement and continue taking notes, no longer paying attention to him. There's no reason to refuse to go. If it's gonna hurt anyway, then let it hurt real bad starting from today. I have to endure it so that I can be stronger tomorrow and not have to cry like before. The longer what happened last night sticks in my head, the harder it reminds me of our relationship. I don't lose anything here.

 

I got a chance to take my heart back and take care of it again, though he's never taken it to take care of in the first place.

 

The class is over fifteen minutes early. We walked to the canteen to find a table. The Extreme Gang splits up to get food and then gathers again at a long bench; only Khai is missing.

 

"Where did he go?" I ask, not really caring.

 

"Dunno. He didn't buy food with me," Too answers.

 

"What about last night? Did Khai cause any trouble?" It's Bone who asks me the question because Too is uninterested and keeps eating his food.

 

"No." My voice is barely above a whisper. Nothing happened. Everything is the same, and so am I. I'm hurting just the same...

 

"We should stop drinking. It's so fucked up."

 

"I thought so."

 

"Are you okay now, Third?"

 

"Me? Okay about what?"

 

"About Khai."

 

"Oh, I'm trying to get over him. It might take some time."

 

"It's hard because you guys see each other every day, but you're good. You're not showing him any signs of how you feel. Everything will slowly get better." Is it really going to be better? I got an answer to my question so quickly.

 

"Guys." Khai's voice makes the three of us turn our heads to where it came from. The tall figure stands in front of us, smiling, and by his side stood a pretty girl.

 

She dresses very neatly, looking totally different from the girls Khai went out with. I suddenly get a hollow feeling in my chest when I see the expensive bracelet that Khai and I went to buy together several weeks ago on her wrist. He tried to choose it so carefully. We spent almost an hour at the shop to pick one bracelet. It really looks good on her, the current owner.

 

I'm not jealous. I read the book he bought me that day repeatedly every day. I put it under my pillow. Its value isn't the price but the one who gave it to me.

 

"Hey, who's this girl?"

 

"She's from another faculty."

 

What's even weirder is that she's the first one Khai brings to his friends, without letting us know ourselves, as he always did...

 

"So what? Aren't you gonna introduce her to us?"

 

"I'm gonna do it right now."

 

"This is Praew, my girlfriend."

 

"Hi, I'm Praew, third-year, Faculty of Arts, nice to meet you guys."

 

She introduced herself and sat obediently beside Khai. I smiled at her but said nothing. Maybe this hurts too much for me to mutter a word.

 

Too pats my thigh under the table as solace. I smile and wear my earphones so that I won't have to listen to Khai's and this girl's voices. I keep eating, feeling how my hands shake as I feed myself with a spoon and fork.

 

This inexplicable feeling is forming in my chest; both my eyes feel hot, yet I still look down, not talking with anyone.

 

"Is your friend okay?" I hear her voice over the earphones. My tears fall uncontrollably on my plate.

 

"Third, are you okay?" Khai asks. I wipe the tears from my cheeks quickly and laugh out loud.

 

"The song is so sad that it makes me cry. Haha."

 

"Third, you have to see Chen, right? Go with me." 

 

Bone is so fast. He pulls my wrist to get me up. I move with his pull but have to stop because Khai runs after us.

 

"Bone, I need to talk to Third."

 

"He has to meet with his senior."

 

"It won't take long. Give me five minutes." Bone relents. He moves a few steps away from Khai and me. My face must be red and look terrible right now.

 

"What's the matter?"

 

"Why are you crying?"

 

"The song was sad. It's nothing."

 

'Third, even though I have a girlfriend, our condition won't change."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"About you moving back to my room. Even though I have a girlfriend, I won't bring her to my room so you can be at ease." 

 

I take a deep breath and bite my lip so hard that I can taste blood. After all this time that we've been friends, he's never known anything.

 

"Khai...how long have we known each other?"

 

"Over two years, right?" I pause because my voice is trembling. I wait a moment to collect myself and continue speaking. "If you're afraid that our friendship will be ruined. Rest assured, I will always be here."

 

"You don't have to be this nice to me. You can love whoever you want. I won't move back."

 

I don't know how hurt I'd feel if I moved back, or how much I'd lose, because someone who has always been cheerful like me even lost his self-protection completely. If he's made a choice, then I have no reason to lie to myself anymore.

 

"Okay."

 

"Khai."

 

".."

 

I love you..

 

"Your girlfriend is cute."

 

I love you...

 

"Thanks."

 

I love you, but I can't say it out loud...