Theory of Love

Crazy, Stupid, Love.

 

After I hung up, I stayed in the restroom for a while, thinking about all these confusing thoughts in my head, about both my feelings and Khai's. I want to know...what he meant by 'care.' Does he care about me as lovers would do? Or just like a best friend would do?

 

I kinda pity myself for being this weak. As soon as I walk to the mirror in the restroom, the first thing that appears before my eyes is a pair of red, swollen eyes, obviously the result of heavy crying. How can I show this face to my friends?

 

And so, instead of attending classes with my gang, I take my leave to avoid confronting Khai. I drive to the condo and pack my stuff, getting ready to move out. I don't want to be with him anymore. Loving him for two years feels terribly empty, and it's left too many wounds in my heart.

 

As I'm packing my clothes and other things, my phone, which I threw on my bed, keeps ringing. The first three or four missed calls are Khai and Bone taking turns calling me, but it soon went quiet. My phone rings for the fifth time, displaying the caller's name on the screen.

 

When I see that it's Too, I have no choice but to answer it.

 

[Third, where are you? Why didn't you attend the class?] His voice sounds restless.

 

I don't want them to see me as a silly friend who always runs away from problems, but it's too much for me this time. It's hard to keep cool in front of someone who played with your feelings. It's not something I can control.

 

I'm at Khai's condo."

 

[What the hell are you doing there?]

 

"Packing. And you, keep handouts for me when the classes are over."

 

[Wait, wait. Are you serious about moving? Calm down, you shit.]

 

"I'm moving back to my old condo. My old room was leased to a new tenant, but there's still a room on a different floor."

 

[Third, seriously, did you hear or find out about something?]

 

"I have to pack. Meet me at the lobby after classes."

 

I end the discussion and hang up, not sure if I didn't tell him because I wasn't ready or because Too might be with those two. As for Khai, there's no reason to tell him that I accidentally heard something unpleasant because I'm scared...scared that if he knows, he'll be the one who can't stand me. 

 

Will someone who likes girls and has built his walls up high about not dating friends be able to take it if his beloved best friend has feelings for him? Will he be able to take it if our friendship changes because of me? He definitely won't be able to take it if he learns that his fake actions have worked beyond expectations. A jerk like him doesn't know how to love, and an idiot like me doesn't belong with him.

 

I carelessly pack my other small stuff into yellow boxes. I take all my clothes from the closet and stuff them into my luggage. I pack my computer into a box. I don't have much stuff, but it still takes time. There are many classes today, so I'll probably already finish moving out by the time Khai comes back.

 

Surprisingly, half an hour later, there's a clattering sound coming from the front door, and the guy I don't want to see appears. Khai stands there at my bedroom's door, panting, his expression stern. His forehead is full of sweat, his breathing shallow. I can guess he rushed here as fast as possible.

 

I would've softened down if it were before. I might've pondered my feelings and made up with him again, but it's too late now. Khai has destroyed everything with his own hands. He said he loved me, that I was his best friend, and he would always choose me. It's all lies. I can't be with someone so selfish.

 

"Why are you packing?" He asks in an even voice and runs his hand through his front hair roughly.

 

"I'm moving."

 

"Where will you be? Your family has problems, so stay here."

 

"You can stay with me. I'll help," Too, who is standing behind, chimes in. Maybe he remembers our lies, but it's not important anymore. I'll do anything to get out of here.

 

"Shut up, Too, let me talk to him alone."

 

"Aight, aight." Too closes the door politely, leaving Khai and me here, staring at each other.

 

"Third, I just want to know what I did wrong."

 

"Why do you want to know it now?"

 

"I’ll fix it if I did something wrong. You don't want me to bring girls here, right? Okay! I will never bring them here again. Are you okay with this?"

 

"It has nothing to do with that, and it can't be fixed. It's my fault." 

 

Yes! It's my fault for falling in love with my best friend. It's been my fault since I started liking him. When I found out that his actions towards me were just part of his test, I got disappointed and worked up all by myself.

 

"Let me ask you, how long have we known each other?"

 

"Over two years."

 

Two years and four months, that's how long I've loved you one-sidedly.

 

"You say I'm your best friend."

 

"Yes, there are four of us, and you're my best friend."

 

But you never knew I've never thought of you that way. I have two best friends, and you're the person I love.

 

"You know what I like and hate."

 

"Yes, I know everything."

 

There's one thing you don't know: you've become someone I both love and hate.

 

"You say you care about me so much, but your actions are the opposite. Do we still love each other?"

 

"I love you." 

 

But what you and Bone did wasn't love. I don't know if it has ever occurred to them what would happen if I knew the truth. Even if I didn't really love him, the feeling of being slapped in the face would always leave a mark in my mind.

 

"But are you sure about what you said?"

 

"What have I done? I'm sorry if I upset you. I don't really know."

 

"Let me move out."

 

"Third.." Khai looks like he's about to cry, but it hurts more because I'm already crying. We've been friends for years, and I've never acted this unreasonably. I hate myself for making such a fuss.

 

"I have to move my backpack first. I'll come to take other things later." I grab my large luggage, about to leave. Khai is faster. He grabs my wrist, gripping it so tightly | think it'll break.

 

"I'm not letting you go."

 

"I'll leave the keycard at the counter. I'll return everything I used, don't worry."

 

"And about your heart, I don't have to return it since you didn't give it to me in the first place."

 

"Third, you're my friend. I won't let you go!"

 

"Leave me alone! I've never thought of you as my friend, okay?" 

 

I've never once thought of you as my friend.

 

"What did you just say? Will our friendship really end here? You'll cut me off just because I've done something wrong I don't fucking know about?"

 

“…”

 

I can't say a word. I stand there, stifling a sob as hard as I can. Let him get it this way.

 

"All right, you're not my friend. I've never had an unreasonable friend like you."

 

".."

 

"Go wherever you want."

 

If I decide to move on today, I won't have to feel hurt anymore. This is for the best. Moving on impulse for the second time in the month made Too lie down, totally beat. After Khai let me go, he didn't offer to help me move, so Too, Fucker Bone, and I had to do everything by ourselves.

 

Since Too is afraid our plan will be exposed, I have to stay with him for quite a while. When Bone has left, the owner of my new place and I start the conversation we've had in mind for two days.

 

"What happened exactly? Seriously, nobody knows why you and Khai are in a fight." Too asks curiously. We're leaning back against the sofa, stupidly watching an old movie that has been repeatedly rerun on a cable TV channel.

 

"Where should I start?"

 

"Anywhere you feel like. At the beginning or in the middle. Just enlighten me, dude."

 

"When we were hanging out at the club last night, I overheard Khai and Bone talking about me in the restroom."

 

"Why? Did he say he liked you?" He lifts his face and stares at me excitedly. Dumbass, if he'd liked me, I wouldn't've been so furious.

 

"You think I'm telling you a funny story?"

 

"Who the fuck would know? So, why are you mad at him?"

 

"It's about what I accidentally heard those two punks were talking about in the restroom. Bone caught me. He thought I liked Khai, so he told Khai to test my feelings. Everything he did that made me feel good is just a joke for them."

 

"Despicable scumbag."

 

"Would you forgive him if you were me? Would you still like him?"

 

"If you ask me, my heart has been broken the moment I knew the truth."

 

I hear a sigh coming out of the person sitting beside me. Too doesn't say anything or express his opinion, just looking at the screen filled with motion. We stay like that for almost ten minutes until he says something to lift the mood.

 

"This movie sucks."

 

"It's your favourite movie." The Perks of Being a Wallflower is the movie he said he wanted the female lead to be his wife and kept watching it over and over again.

 

"I don't like it anymore. What about you? What are you gonna do?"

 

I'm gonna step back and...move on."

 

"What about our friendship, the four of us?"

 

"It'll be the same. I need more time." 

 

I don't know when, but it's going to be back to that time… the time when we'd be joined at the hip and happy, when our friends find love without feeling hurt or alone. That day will come.

 

"Will you be able to do it? You've liked him for a long time."

 

"If I can like him, then I should be able to stop liking him."

 

"Okay, I'm with you. I helped you make a move; now I'll help you move on so that you don't feel hurt again."

 

"I might need time."

 

"Time alone won't help. I'm telling you, try to find his bad points. If you keep finding his bad points unbearable, you'll probably get over him. You can do it, dude."

 

"Thanks."

 

At midnight, Too goes to his room to make a video call with his girl. He told me he wouldn't bring girls here to invade my privacy during my stay. I almost bowed to his feet when I heard that.

 

Too told me to find Khai's bad points. There are many I can think of.

 

One, he rides fast. I think that's his bad point, though I've never had a chance to ride pillion on his bike. I'm so damn pitiful.

 

Two, he doesn't know what it means to try. If things don't go as planned even a little bit, he'll just give up. I could bear this bad point before, but not anymore. It's like I'm lying to myself, right? Well, yeah, I admit that it's not easy to hate someone you love. I can only hope that time will heal everything.

 

I stay in the sitting room, my mind wandering. After a while, I take the video camera out of my bag to clean it, then set it on a tripod and start recording.

 

If you remember, I have my own YouTube channel with more than thirty thousand subscribers, but my videos get hundreds of views. Today is the day I have to make a movie review despite feeling so down.

 

"Hi, everyone. Meet me again this week with Friendly Movie. This could be my last video for this year. It's pretty sudden, isn't it? This time, I'm going to do a review of an old movie called Crazy, Stupid, Love."

 

I spend almost fifteen minutes saying everything on my mind. I save it and upload it with my computer without editing. Friendly Movie channel will continue, but no more reviews will be uploaded, and the last video is locked as private. I want to keep it as my memory. It will never disappear as long as this channel remains.

 

The Extreme Gang's situation is risky. We always say things will be the same when we know they won't. There used to be four of us. Now, the four of us are still together; what's missing are the shreds of feelings we failed to collect the day they were torn into pieces, scattering in all directions.

 

Khai and I speak to each other occasionally. We hang out and go to class together, but with Bone and Too tagging along every time. We barely spend time alone together because it'd be pretty awkward. Lately, I try to avoid that situation by sticking with Too like a leech.

 

Good thing there are so many Comm Arts activities that I don't have time to think of anything else. Next week, there'll be a meeting about the Comm Arts Stage Play that every Comm Arts student has to attend. At the end of this month, there'll be an event celebrating the faculty's 42nd anniversary. I suppose there'll be so much work that we won't have time to think of personal stuff.

 

But before that, my life is just so hard. It's been almost two weeks since Khai and I have been ignoring each other. If it were before, when I got mad or upset, he would try to make up with me until I forgave him. Now, it's the complete opposite. It's like our friendship has ended.

 

"Do you have any plans after this?" I ask Too, who is diligently putting his stuff into his bag. I've gotten closer to Too lately while Khai has been hanging out more with Bone.

 

"Gonna take photos."

 

"With a girl, huh?"

 

"Nursing. So fucking cute. I can't mess this one up." Too straightens up, tying his hair tightly and skillfully.

 

"I've never seen you messing up. Give me some of your girls."

 

"No way. I'm in a different league, noob."

 

"Aight, get the hell away."

 

"Wanna tag along?"

 

"To be a third wheel? Enjoy yourself, man."

 

"See you at the room tonight, then, Mister Third."

 

"I'm not sure if you're gonna come back, shithead." Tomorrow is Saturday. He probably won't come back to the room.

 

Ever since I moved out of Khai's room that day, our gang has never gone out together on Friday nights. We just split up after classes, like today.

 

I quietly put my pencil case and books into my bag. After a moment, Bone touches my shoulder lightly and asks. "Let's go eat. There's a new buffet restaurant. Looks so fucking goooooood." He lengthens the word, trying to get the rest of us into the mood. I'm actually interested, but there's Khai. I open my mouth, about to refuse, but Khai speaks at the same time.

 

"Bone, I'm not free today."

 

"Where are you going, dumbass?"

 

"Gotta see someone." Khai grabs his backpack, slings it over his shoulder, and hurries out of the classroom. My eyes follow his back until he's gone, then turn to Bone and shake my head.

 

"Gonna watch a movie today. Let's go there next time."

 

"It's all right. I actually don't wanna go, but things in our gang have been weird lately, so I don't feel so good about it." 

 

The face of the shaved-head guy falls, but he doesn't leave. He plops down on a chair beside me.

 

"Not going to see your girl?"

 

"I want to talk to you for a bit." 

 

Other students leave the classroom one by one until they're all gone and everything falls silent. There are only Bone and I left sitting in the lecture theatre.

 

"What's the matter?" I ask because he just keeps quiet.

 

"Why are you mad at Khai?"

 

"It's nothing. Let's not talk about that."

 

"Are you...mad at me, too?"

 

"Why do you have such a thought?" 

 

No matter how mad I am, we're still friends, aren't we? Even though Bone was the one

who suggested that ridiculous plan to Khai, all of this wouldn't have happened if he hadn't gone along, so I don't know why I have to be mad at Bone. My heart is already burning with a broken feeling, making it hard for me to stay calm.

 

"If I've done something wrong to you, I'm sorry," he says in a sad voice, which is so unlike him. Four lively guys can be dramatically down on a gloomy day.

 

"What have you done to me?"

 

He sighs, "I'm just sorry for everything. Let's get back to the way it used to be. The Extreme Gang in this state isn't cool at all, you shit."

 

"Not today. I think I'll go home to get some money. Can you go to your room alone?"

 

"Why are you so worried about me? I always go back alone."

 

"You're the one we're worried about the most in our gang; otherwise, Khai wouldn't be so worried about you."  As soon as he says that name, I suddenly go dumb.

 

"I'm leaving. See you on Monday. I'm gonna extort my mom for two days."

 

"Yeah, go away already." I wave him away and watch him walk out until he's gone, leaving me alone in this lecture theatre.

 

Worried? Huh, don't make me laugh! He wouldn't have acted this way if he'd been worried about me. 

 

Ever since that day, there hasn't been a day that Too didn't complain about Khai and his girls. He's never changed, still taking girls to his room and being the same old playboy. With all of that shit going on, how can I expect sincerity from his fake worries? Hell no. He said he cared about me while having all these girls on his bed. So fucking hilarious.

 

I usually spend my evenings at the mall, just strolling around and having a meal, then I'd spend the rest of the time watching the last movie on the schedule. But today, I have to meet with my seniors first to discuss each person's responsibilities for the faculty's stage play. We're having a meeting about it with everyone within the next week.

 

I almost broke a sweat trying to get through the talk, then I ate something at a Japanese restaurant until I was full, and then I waited to watch a movie on a sofa in front of a theatre at half past nine. Lucky for me, I'm not the type of person who likes to eat while watching a movie, so I don't have to spend my money on drinks and popcorn. I also don't like it when there's too much noise, which makes it hard to focus on the movie. It's another reason why I like to watch the last movie on the showtimes. There are only a few people, and sometimes... there's no one at all.

 

The ringtone interrupts my train of thought. I pick up my phone quickly because the caller is the room's owner, whom I asked for a place to sleep.

 

"What's up?"

[I'm not going back tonight.]

 

"Gonna spend the night with some girl, huh?"

(The prey took my bait; how can I let it go?] 

 

Since Too's condo has one bedroom, plus I moved in, I feel bad every time I see him get a room somewhere else for him and his girls, but he never complains and is happy to continue this lifestyle for a while until I can get over Khai.

 

"All right, whatever you want."

[Behave while I'm out.]

 

"Say that to yourself." The last word disappears into the air when someone catches my eye. That's definitely Khai. He's here with a girl; she has long hair and a tiny body, is wearing a university uniform, and they stop at the drink-and-snack counter. I'm holding my phone like that, mumbling "um," and "ah," without the slightest idea what Too is talking about.

 

I'm nervous. I can only pray that we're not watching the same movie. He doesn't see me, fortunately, because they go to where the ticket collector is stationed after buying popcorn and drinks, then they walk inside, leaving me sitting there alone with my head down.

 

Getting over my best friend whom I have a crush on is not easy at all. Two weeks don't help lessen the pain in my heart. I don't know how long it'll take for my wound to completely heal.

 

The movie is about to play. I shut my phone, get up to my full height, give my ticket to the ticket collector, and walk into the theatre. The lights have been turned off because the trailers are now playing. I get to my numbered seat. There are a few people, like usual, less than ten.

 

A clattering sound from the seat catty-corner to mine kinda annoys me, but when the royal anthem is played, the annoyance turns into pain that spreads through my heart.

 

I recognise the tall figure in front of me so well. Even though I can only see a bit of his side profile, I know it's him. Why are you here, on the day I feel weak?

 

The anthem ends, and everyone sits down. I'm the only one still standing, looking at that tall figure slowly sitting down. Our eyes meet for a split second, and my world stops. What will he do? Greet me? Give me a smile? Ask why I'm here or do something to make me feel better?

 

But no, nothing happens. It's just a few seconds of our eyes meeting, and then we turn away from each other. I can't help but think, are we really friends?

 

"Hey, please sit down."

 

"Oh, sorry." I sit down hastily after hearing the voice from a person seated behind. My heart is still pounding, so loud that it drowns out the crunch sound of popcorn chewing from the person sitting a row down.

 

Khai doesn't usually like to buy this kind of thing to eat while watching a movie. Maybe he's trying to please someone today.

 

The movie starts playing. It's unusual for someone like me, who likes to watch movies, to focus more on the seat in front of me. I can't stop myself from craning forward to look at them, and I don't understand why I keep doing it. My eyes lock on his head over the back of his seat, watching every movement. 

 

He sits up straight at first, but then slowly leans toward the person beside him. I clench my fists, suppressing the overwhelmed feeling inside; my nails dig into my skin so much that it starts to hurt. This is not the first time I've seen him with other girls, but it hurts more this time because we're no longer as special to each other as we were before.

 

I try to collect myself by looking at the screen instead of the seat in front of me. But can you believe that it doesn't help me focus on the movie at all? My eyes are looking, but my vision is blurry. I hate myself for being so fucking weak.

 

Many times that I look at them, they'd whisper and feed each other popcorn. For the first time, I feel like a third wheel. Strangely, my body betrays me. I sit still, not moving. It's a long two hours that make me feel like I'm in hell. The strength I've been holding on to falls apart. The hope of my two-year-and-four-month one-sided love has ended in the blink of an eye. I'm racking the deepest part of my brain, thinking of his bad points that will help me get over him soon, at least for now, when I barely have the strength to control my breathing.

 

“Khai, what did the female lead just say? I couldn't catch it." I try to listen to the girl's whisper curiously.

 

Fortunately, there aren't many people here, and everyone is seated separately, so they can whisper to each other without disturbing anyone except..me.

 

"She said, 'I wanna be the one you drunk text first."

 

"When I'm drunk, can I drunk text you?"

 

"Of course, you can text me anytime."

 

As the conversation that hurts me as hell goes on, my little brain has finally found his next bad points...

 

Three, he's a playboy and a flirt.

 

"Where are we going after the movie?"

 

"Wanna come to my room?"

 

Four, everyone is just a one-night stand for him.

 

"Okay, so..."

 

"Shuuuush."His soft voice makes everything turn quiet again. The only sound comes from the famous movie playing in front of us. I continue watching, though I can't understand anything.

 

Well, what the hell is this movie about, anyway? As I've watched and listened so far, I found that everything is all about Khai, and eventually, I just let the sight of him overpower my feelings just like that.

 

Fifth, all of his exes are troublesome.

 

Besides his old and new girls fighting, they even bothered us, his friends, so that we didn't have time to do anything else. The worst case was that they asked me to help them make up with Khai. If he'd handled it, his friends wouldn't have had to go through so much trouble, of course.

 

Sixth, he's not smart.

 

Yeah, he's not, and I've been a fool for such a long time. How long have I been repeatedly hurt? My heart is full of deep, gaping wounds, holy shit. We can't even be friends anymore, so after all, I've endured the pain for so long just to find out later that I'd lose everything?

 

Humans are weird. We know it'll hurt but still want to experience love. When I first met Khai, my heart was so stubborn, thinking it'd be great to get to know him, not giving a fuck if it'd hurt me later on. My patience has dragged on for months, then years. I could accept everything, though he loved someone else. I watched him fall in love and break up with his girls over and over again. I told myself it'd stop someday, and when that day came, the person standing beside him would be me. What a pathetic thought.

 

It's like I've been running for so long, but there's no finish line or destination, just running like that, lost, keeping at it until I'm drained of energy and decide to give up... and now it's time.

 

The last scene has come; I tense up when the raven hair over the back of the seat starts moving. I can't help but bite my lip hard when I see his lips touch the girl's. They're kissing, with a fool like me looking through the gap between seats. My heart is pounding as if it's about to explode. It's a very long kiss, so long that the sound starts coming out, reaching the ears of the person sitting behind, making me want to cry. Even the movie soundtrack fails to heal my heart.

 

Do you remember that day? The day you said you loved me and that I was one of your best friends. Why do you choose to hurt me now? My head is full of why, why, why, and why; even when the movie ends, my head's still full of questions.

 

Khai gets up as the light is turned on. The girl sitting beside him hurries after him. At the sight of his back, reach out without any reason, but his body keeps moving far away. I keep still, and before I know it...Khai is gone.

 

My hand hangs in the air, then it drops to my thigh desperately. The end credits on the screen become blurry, just like my fading hope. The only thing left is tears rolling down my cheeks. At the moment, I realise another truth...

 

Seven, he's never truly loved anyone.

 

It's already past midnight. I walk out of the theatre with my head down after I've done cursing my life. I'll be the new Third tomorrow. Even though I have to cry to death today, I'll make sure it'll be the last time I cry for him.

 

"Third." Somebody calls my name after I walk a few steps out of the theatre. As soon as I look up, I see Bone standing in front of me.

 

"What the? Bone...why are you here?" I ask curiously, quickly wiping my face with my sleeve because I don't want to get caught.

 

"You said you'd go to a movie, and I met Khai, so.."

 

"Oh, yeah? He left. I'm about to leave as well."

 

"Are you okay?"

 

"Of course, the movie was great." I hadn't said another word when he suddenly pulled me into an embrace so tight I could barely breathe.

 

"Third, I'm sorry."

 

"Hey, what's that for? Haha."

 

"Sorry for making you become like this."

 

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm really sorry." 

 

Bone won't let go of me. He keeps saying sorry until I start crying again.

 

"Bone, you.."

 

"You heard me that day, right?" 

 

As expected, Bone finally knows the truth. I don't know if Too told him or if he realised it himself. I'm not mad at him because he's still my friend no matter what. I'm just trying to get over Khai. I promise I'll be the same when I'm ready.

 

"Yeah, I heard every word, but it's all passed."

 

"I had no idea, you fuck. It's my fault."

 

"If it has to be anyone's fault, let it be mine." 

 

I'm feeling like my friend hasn't turned his back on me. At least now I have Bone, who starts to care about my feelings.

 

"I have feelings for my friend. I deserve it."

 

"Khai loves you so much, you know."

 

"Love me as what?"

 

What in the world am I expecting? What answer will satisfy me...?

 

"As a friend."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Just let it all out, man. I'll still be with you tomorrow."

 

At least Bone has opened up my eyes. His arms tighten around me, comforting me. When I feel so fucking weak like this, thank you for being by my side. I'm gonna cry for Khai just for today. Tomorrow... I will never cry again.

 

The faculty meeting starts on Tuesday afternoon. The heads of each major each year sit in a line in a large meeting room. Students gather at a U-shaped table, with no seats empty. My three other friends and I are representatives of the third-year students in the Film major. We have to collect the information and then pass it on to the others.

 

The faculty's famous big annual event, Comm Arts Stage Play, is about to begin. That's why we went through all the trouble to increase the faculty's budget through the money-earning activities at the Nitade Fair. The fourth-year president, the head leader, has assembled us today to assign work because it's going to take time to prepare.

 

It's not easy to produce a stage play. There are many elements and responsibilities: we need to select a stage manager, the backstage and co-stage crews, costumers, prop makers, and a PR team. The head leader has made a rough selection of people for each job, but nothing can proceed until the main job is done. 

 

It's the scriptwriting. And those who are responsible for the job turn out to be the other two seniors and me. We've already talked about this briefly.

 

The scriptwriting team has to write a plot outline and all the acting details for the stage play. To be honest, my creativity is down to zero right now, so all the other teams need to give me time to get it done within..a month and a half.

 

What a fucking lo000000oong time.

A month and a half? Me in this condition? Just kill me.

 

When I'm out of the meeting room, I call Too to meet up outside to start a rough draft, though I think his main role will be photography, since the head of the photography team kept mentioning his name during the meeting.

 

Two hours later, I drive back to the condo, throw my bag off, change into casual clothes, then walk to Bone's room as we agreed and knock on the door.

 

Knock, knock, knock.

Soon he opens the door for me, looking pleased, and greets me in a voice that begs for a punch.

 

"What's up, Mister Writer?"

 

I was fine, but my brain is blank now that I see your face, fucker."

 

"Just admit that I'm handsome."

 

"You're annoying. And what evil spirit on earth possessed you to wear these shorts? He's wearing football Shorts, but they're almost ripped to his asshole.

 

"Does it look good on me?"

 

"Yeah, they're ripped and scattered just like your brain."

 

"Which tooth do you want me to knock off your mouth?"

 

"Go joke around somewhere else. Will you let me in?"

 

"Come in." Another person who is playing a game in front of the TV is Too. He gives me a quick smile, then turns his attention back to the game. And when Bone sits down beside him and picks up the game console, these two fuckers start killing each other like crazy. Leaving me sitting all alone by myself.

 

"Well, where is Khai?" I can't help asking. Bone turns to look me in the eye and turns back to focus on the game.

 

"He has to go somewhere." 

 

No need to say it, but I guess he's seeing a new girl like usual. There were many times I saw gorgeous girls riding pillion on his big bike, which made me as restless as I am now.

 

Khai barely hangs out with us these days. The remains of the Extreme Gang are the name and the alias. The three of us often hang out together. Bone is a glue that sticks Khai to our gang, but it's useless because we don't feel as close to each other as before.

 

"Tell me honestly, did you forgive him?" Bone continues asking.

 

"I'm over it now. I just try to be friends with him like before, but look at him."

 

"Glad to hear that. Khai is just acting like he doesn't care. He's getting back at you because you didn't tell him the reason why you were mad at him." Well, it works, because it hurts so bad I'm at a loss for words.

 

"Things will never be the same if I tell him."

 

"I know."

 

'You guys won't tell him about this, right?" They both look at each other quietly, then Too speaks.

 

"It has nothing to do with us. I'll give the right to the one who has fallen for him to do it."

 

"Thanks."

 

"But I don't think that day will come. Another year to go and we'll graduate." 

 

We'll be far apart, unable to see each other often, and, more importantly, we'll start our own families one day. Khai might be a playboy, but he'll change someday when he finds the right girl. When that time comes, I just want to dress up and attend his wedding with a smile that I don't have to force or stand beside him as his best man. There must be a day when our love means friendship and nothing else. I still want to be his friend, be part of his life.

 

"Hey, we'll graduate, but our friendship won't end. Let me finish this round, and I'll go get us some beer."

 

"Whatever you want. I'm lonely staying alone in your room."

 

We're sipping beer from our glasses and sharing what's on our minds like usual. At least I have these two lifting me up when I feel down.

 

Knock, knock, knock.

 

"Who's that?" 

 

The knocks on the door interrupted our talk. I looked at the clock on the wall. It's almost 10 p.m. now.

 

"You, open the door."

 

"Don't wanna get up. Third, you go."

 

"Shouldn't I be comforted? I'm heartbroken, you fucker." I got heartbroken even though I've never dated him. Weird, right?

 

"You go. Don't you see that my shorts are ripped?" Using his shorts as an excuse is the most ridiculous thing ever. I heave a sigh, get up to my full height, and walk straight to the door. As soon as I turn the doorknob, I find that the person standing in front of me is the one I don't want to see the most.

 

"Khai.."

 

"Bone told me to come. Are you guys drinking?" 

 

Bone, you bastard, you motherfucker! I stood still just like that in front of the open door, looking at the tall figure passing inside. It'd be better if his hand didn't hold onto another person's wrist.

 

"Come in. These are my friends."

 

"Ooooooooh, beautiful, come in, come in." The first one who is annoyingly quick to get up is Too. He clears some space up quickly and politely tells them to sit on the sofa.

 

"What brings you here?"

 

"Bone called me when we'd just finished our meal, so I thought I'd stop by."

 

"I see. Do you drink beer?" The junior coming with Khai shakes her head, and my friend runs around looking for water. Bone is the only one who notices me still standing there.

 

"Close the door, Third, and come sit here."

 

"I think... I'll leave."

 

"Yeah? All right, you must be pretty drunk now." 

 

Seeing my dim expression, Bone understands, so he kinda kicks me out, but Khai cuts in.

 

"Come sit with us."

 

I try to act normal as best I can by walking back and sitting down with them. Good thing there's still some beer left to warm my heart. And though he told me to stay, he hasn't greeted or said a word to me. So here we go again with dead silence.

 

“Khai, did you know that the Comm Arts Stage Play project has started? What position do you have in mind?" 

 

Bone and Too take turns starting a conversation to lift up the mood. I feel sorry for them. They're trying so hard.

 

"The assistant director."

 

"Woooooah, that position belongs to a fourth-year student. Don't be stupid."

 

"I can control lighting and sound."

 

"That suits you. I also want to do that, but Third has it harder than anyone."

 

"Why?"

 

"He's a scriptwriter. He's gotta think about who's gonna end up together."

 

"Why do you think I'm gonna write a love story? I might if it were before, but I've lost faith in love." 

 

I can't help taking a jab at him. The person I referred to turns to me with a straight face.

 

"Have you ever had faith in anything?" He snipes back at me.

 

"I'm not you who have faith in love all around and sleep around like this."

 

"Third!"

 

"Calm down, guys, calm down.." Too and Bone cry out to stop us from fighting. I stop saying anything more and just keep drinking quietly. I don't know if it's the beer I've been drinking since early in the evening or not that makes me annoyed at everything, even the sweet voice of the junior who has slid down to sit beside Khai.

 

"Don't drink too much, Khai. I'm worried about you."

 

"I won't drink too much."

 

"And don't smoke."

 

"Okay."

 

"You're so obedient."

 

"You think he's only obedient to you?" It's like everyone is in stunned mode. I don't know why I blurted that out, but I did.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Khai just fucks around. He'll dump you after he fucks you."

 

"You fucking bastard!" The tall figure darts towards me and snatches my shirt collar. Too, who sits beside us, is also quick to split us up, and I fall on the sofa.

 

"Calm down, dude. You're drunk, right? Let's get back to our room."

 

"I'm not drunk. Am I wrong for telling the truth?" 

 

I'm losing control of myself. The feelings I've been holding inside my chest are about to burst. It's terrible enough that we don't talk anymore, but it hurts even more when he took someone here to get back at me right in the face. I just can't take it.

 

"So what? At least I know how to love someone, unlike you. You're idiotic and fucking unreasonable."

 

"Do you dare to say that what you're doing is love?"

 

"Yes, it is. And I know who I'd give my love to, and of course, not to a shitty friend like you." 

 

His shout echoes loudly in my ears as I am pushed so hard I stagger. The first tear drops to the floor. I look down until the second and third drops fall down continuously.

 

Too tries to pull me up, but my body has no strength to get up. I just sit there, looking at the floor with my mouth shut.

 

"Khai, Third is drunk. Don't take what he said to heart."

 

"His mouth begs for a punch when he's drunk."

 

"Care about his feelings for a bit. It's been a lot for him lately."

 

"Why do I have to care about him when he's not my girlfriend?!"

 

"Hey, you can speak to him nicely."

 

"I'll speak to him nicely when he lies down for me to fuck. Are you happy now?!!!"

 

BAM!!!

The sound of two hard things colliding explodes. The situation got worse when Bone dashed forward and punched that foul-mouthed fool so hard that he fell over. Good thing Too split them up quickly, so it ended with one punch.

 

"Khai, this is your friend, the friend who loves you."

 

"..."

 

"Third is... He.."

 

"Bone, that's enough." I stop Bone from saying anything more, though my tears don't seem to stop falling down. It's impossible, Khai and me. That handsome face stares back at me, but the sight of him is too blurry. I can't see him clearly from where I am anymore.

 

"I'm sorry. It's all my fault," I say and try to get up.

To protect our friendship, I need to keep these feelings to myself forever...