Theory of Love

I'm a Funny Guy, Not a Clown.

 

The second day of Nitade Fair has started. A better day awaits, but it turns out to be ten times more chaotic when my two beloved friends, Khai and Bone, team up and give the customers a special deal. Of course, 'Big Bold Men' will never disappoint girls. Two hundred for a kiss on a cheek.' Who the fucking would spend two hundred baht on sausages? This is nuts.

 

"Third, two hundred for sausages."

 

"HUH?!"

 

"Third, babe, two hundred for me, too."

 

"Darling~ Six hundred. There are three of us."

 

Holy fucking shit! With this much effort, I'd say their marketing principle is bearing fruit. 

 

I've never spent two hundred baht on sausages worth twenty baht apiece. What a great honour for me to get a chance to do something big. I also take part in everything: grilling, selling, giving the change. I'm doing everything while the other three strip and dance to get more customers. So fucking entertaining.

 

"Khai, let me kiss your cheek," A pretty junior says sweetly. Her eyes and voice are so captivating you might think you're in a dream.

 

She's not his first victim but one of the many fans he's giving service. You can kiss both his left and right cheeks or ask for his number or LINE ID. What's left is taking him to a room, which could possibly happen tonight. It's not like we lose anything. It's a win-win situation. We get money and girls' numbers, hallelujah.

 

"Which side?"

 

"Can I do both? And a selfie, too."

 

"As you wish."

 

Khai is the master of flirting. He doesn't just flirt with me but with everyone, not even caring who the other person is. It's just that I've been targeted lately. And what then? I'm hurt again. I can only collect bits of happiness when he flirts with me to encourage my one-sided feeling, though I have no idea what's real and what's not.

 

"Are you done, Third? The queue is really long," 

 

Too asks, his voice stern, but his face brightening up because the girls are pressing their boobs against his arm. To hell with this gang. There's only Bone who has enough sense of sympathy to come and help me.

 

"Thanks, dude."

 

"Um. Is this one cooked?"

 

"Nah, wait a bit."

 

"How can we make it cooked faster? I'll give it to that girl. She's fucking hot."

 

"..." 

 

What the heck?! I thought he was thoughtful. Do whatever you want, you three pricks. I won't stop you because I'm willing to be a slave. I refuse everyone who wants to take a selfie or kiss my cheek. I don't go to that extent for money.

 

Big Bold Men's sausages are selling so well. They're sold out within half an hour. Let's stop the money battle for now. We'll know the result tomorrow, so my friends and I will close our booth early. After that, Too drags me out to talk about something.

 

"I've been wanting to talk to you about this."

 

"What?"

 

"I've been sensing something strange recently."

 

"What is it?"

 

"I feel like Khai and Bone are hiding something from us. Keep a close watch on them."

 

"Hiding what? I've never noticed something as strange as you said."

 

"I'm not sure. They've been talking alone about whatever the hell I don't know. They'd sometimes whisper on the phone, acting all suspicious. I noticed it when I went to his room last night." 

 

I frown. Is it about why Khai keeps flirting with me right now? But I decided not to say a word.

 

"Just keep an eye on them. I'll try to get the answer from Khai. It could be about the girl he wants to hook up with."

 

"All right."

 

"Okay." He quickly lifts his DSLR camera hanging at eye level around his neck.

 

"You're taking a photo of me?"

 

"Who would want to? You're blocking the boobs. Move away."

 

"May you run out of luck, asshole."

 

"Right back at ya. Now move."

Girls with big tits? But I'm afraid they'd choose the girls.

 

I, absent-mindedly, observe the atmosphere of Nitade Fair for a while, and then a tall figure dashes to me and wraps his arm around my neck, asking me to do something in a playful voice.

 

"Thirdyyyy, let's go to the outdoor cinema."

 

"Fuck, I got goosebumps. Call my name properly."

 

"What should I call you, then? The usual 'shithead?"

 

"Watch your fucking mouth. What's on, anyway?"

 

"Fan Chan. Oh yeah...oh yeah, oh, oh yeah." 

 

Listening to Master Khunpol singing, I suddenly think back to when I rode a

bicycle in my town when I was a kid. And I have no reason to turn him down, not because I want to recall my childhood memories, but because I can spend more time with Khai this way.

 

"What about those two?"

 

"Too is taking photos. Bone is having fun at the Dunk Tank booth. Don't care about them. Come with me." 

 

He grabs my wrist with his big hand, and we make our way to the open space opposite the stage. A white movie screen is set up there; in front of it lie lots of mats for students to sit on.

 

"Do we have to buy tickets?" I ask. Khai shakes his head.

 

"Nah, but we have to play a game to get free access," he says and drags me to a small table beside the entrance where the staff is stationed. 

 

The senior gives us a friendly smile and tells us how to play a game to get free tickets and compete for some gewgaw prizes.

 

"Comm Arts? We'll give you a hard question."

 

"Easy-peasy."

 

"Give us the names of the movies released in 2003, excluding Fan Chan." 

 

Holy mother of fuck, there are only a few famous movies in that year, and they still reduce our choice.

 

"February?"

 

"Correct." The senior gave Khai a ticket right after he answered.

 

"I thought the same, you shit."

 

"Ooooooh, you're too slow."

 

I can only make a bored face. I rolled my eyes, thinking for an eternity before answering. 

 

"Sexphone."

 

"Full name." 

 

Who would remember that? Ever since I started watching movies, I barely watched Thai movies. My bestie beside me probably knows it; seeing me reluctant to answer, that's why he volunteers to answer proudly.

 

"Sexphone and the Lovely Wave."

 

"It's lonely, Khai."

 

"Fuck!”

 

There goes my expectation of you. The senior laughs to her heart's content before handing another ticket to me, and then we play the prize-winning game as she asks.

 

"Take a paper and write down an answer. Since we'll be watching a romantic movie today, I'd like you to write down the name of your favourite romantic movie and hand it back to me. When the movie ends, we'll give prizes to those who write the same movie. Don't copy, okay?"

 

I don't really want the prize that much, and I'm not an expert in this field since I haven't watched many romantic movies. The same goes for Khai. After we wrote it down, we moved to the front of the screen and sat down, waiting for our childhood movie to play.

 

"What did you write?"

 

"Me? Why do I have to tell you?"

 

"I wrote One Day. What about you?" He tells me what's on his mind, but I don't think he'd like this kind of movie. We've been friends for three years, so why wouldn't I know his personality and his...preference?

 

"Quit your bullshit. I know you didn't write this one."

 

"Sharp as a knife. I'll guess yours."

 

"No need. I like Love, Rosie."

 

"So romantic, man. Like I would believe you."

 

"The movie is playing."

 

I purse my lips at the big screen towering over us to end the conversation. We're surrounded by lots of people coming here to recall their memories together, the memories when I first got to know Jeab and Noina, years before I knew Khai.

 

"Jeab, why did you cut my string?" I say jokingly.

 

"He hasn't cut it, shithead."

 

"Mind your own business."

 

We're always like this. We argue, we bicker, sometimes we fight, but it never lasts long. He's my closest friend, so close that I'm scared that if I tell him my feelings, things will never be the same and I will lose him. And I don't think I'll be able to get over that.

 

Fan Chan is a story about a boy and a girl who have been friends since they were young. Their houses are only one block apart. We watch the movie quietly, nobody saying anything, just focusing on the screen. 

 

The movie's colours are degraded because it was filmed years ago. We reach the climax near the end of the movie. I don't remember the last time I watched this movie, but it must have been a long time ago. Even though I rewatched it many times when I started studying Films, I still can't get used to this scene. The scene where Jeab runs after Noina's car to return the string.

 

"What a crybaby."

 

"What?" I turn to meet his smug face and an amused smile.

 

"You're crying."

 

"Are you nuts? I got dust in my eyes."

 

"Awwwww. My friend's crying because he got dust in his eyes. Let me see the dust, lemmeeeeee."

 

"You keep messing with me."

 

I shove his head away and wipe my tears off my cheek with my sleeve. This is fucking embarrassing. But when I look behind, I see that most of the audience are no different from me. There's only my insensitive friend who keeps grinning to himself like a psychopath.

 

"What would you do if you were Jeab? I mean, if one day you got a wedding card from Noina." 

 

This question is the most sensible one I got from this fucker during this movie.

 

"I'd probably let her be with someone good to her. I'd wish the best for her from here."

 

"What a good guy."

 

"What about you?"

 

"Me? I'd ruin the wedding."

 

"You're insane."

 

"Haha. I'd really do it."

 

"Yeah, I know." Khai must get what he wants. This fucker was born to hate the word 'lose. He's a villain under that damn handsome mask. That's why he was mad and felt so humiliated when the girl he was dating had chosen someone else. The same goes for his friends. Khai is possessive of his friends.

 

When the movie ends and the credits roll, the MC takes the stage with a microphone. The audience stirs with excitement, knowing it's the prize announcement they've been waiting for.

 

"All right, now's the time to announce the winners of the game before the movie starts. The winners will get two free tickets for the Comm Arts Stage Play this year. Yeah!"

 

"Should we be happy?" I look at Khai, who also sighs.

 

Here's the thing... the prize doesn't matter at all since we'll be on the production team this year. Do I have to race to the front of the stage to watch the play? Are you fucking serious?

 

"There are only two people who wrote the same favourite romantic movie. The first one is, ta-daaaaaaaaah, Techaphon, Commb Arts, Third-year!"

 

"Whoooooopeeeeee!"

 

"Come and get your prize."

 

"Hurry up." Khai gestures for me to get up. I go up on stage, with applause ringing around, and become the centre of attention for students from various faculties.

 

“Introduce yourself shortly." The MC holds out the mic to me.

 

"Hi, I'm Third."

 

"Can you guess who the other person is?"

 

"Ah.." I glance around the audience. How can I know who it is when there are more than a hundred people here? Plus, the fucker sitting in the front keeps mumbling, 'One Day nonstop. Did he really write One Day? If so, it's not the same as mine.

 

"I don't know." I don't want to think anymore. My head hurts. Just tell me.

 

"Then I'll announce the other winner. It is.."

 

"Khunpol, Comm Arts, Third-year!"

 

"Kyaaaaaaaaaa!"

 

What the fuck?! Why didn't he tell me he picked the same movie? He must've copied me.

 

I look at the tall figure in a uniform that violates every rule of the dress code as it walks onto the stage. The girls are screaming like crazy because of his hot look and asking-for-a-punch hairstyle. As soon as he stops beside me, the MC immediately holds out another mic to him.

 

"You don't need to introduce yourself. Khai, what's the movie you wrote down?"

 

"I wrote, 'Flipped!" He looks at me, grinning. I don't want to say anything, just standing here with my heart pounding in my chest.

 

"Let me ask both of you. Why did you guys choose this movie?"

 

"I like the way it narrates the relationship and feelings between two people. They have different thoughts at the beginning."

 

"But they share mutual feelings at the end," Khai adds.

 

"I also like the song, 'Let it be me."

 

"But the line, 'If you must cling to someone, now and forever, Let it be me, ' I think it's a bit cheesy." 

 

We take turns talking and finishing each other's sentences, but it's pretty messed up because everything Khai says goes against my opinions.

 

"I like the female lead's point of view. She likes the male lead one-sidedly at first. But the male lead ends up chasing after her."

 

"Isn't it supposed to be like that?" I ask him, forgetting that we're not the only ones here and that we're standing on the stage with hundreds of eyes looking at us, but still carry on.

 

"I like many scenes, like when the female lead goes to the male lead's house to give him the eggs."

 

"Cliché."

 

"Actually, it's an ordinary yet not so ordinary romantic movie."

 

"It's an ordinary movie."

 

"The actors and actresses are good."

 

"The average of the Hollywood standard."

 

"There are some flaws, but, putting an academic point of view aside and judging with my feelings, I still like this movie."

 

"Academically speaking, there are some bad points, but speaking with my own feelings.."

 

"Um. I also like it."

 

This is the first time Khai has given the same answer as I did. Even though our opinions are different, we still have the same answer. I know too well he doesn't think like that.

 

"I know you don't like this movie."

 

"You got me." Right, since he doesn't like romantic movies, and his love life is much more over-the-top, I wonder why he chose this movie.

 

"Then why did you choose Flipped? Were you afraid you wouldn't get the prize?"

 

"The prize must be pretty interesting, huh? I know you like this movie, and since you like it."

 

".."

 

"I wanted to choose the same movie as yours."

 

"Bone, check it now. I can't wait anymore."

 

"Calm your shit. Check it now or tomorrow makes no difference."

 

It does. If we know the result now, we'll go out drinking now. If we know tomorrow, I won't be able to go out."

 

"Why?"

 

"I'll spend all my money on girls tonight."

 

"Asshole."

 

I hear Too and Bone's conversation vaguely, so I wash the dishes in the sink quickly and hurry to join them to check the list of the top five booths that made the most money after Nitade Fair had just ended. The student union will post the list on the faculty's fan page at 8 p.m., so we're excited to see if we're one of the top five, except Khai, who is primping, joyfully spraying his perfume nonstop so that the smell becomes strong.

 

"Khai, won't you check the result with us?"

 

"For what? We'll be one of the top five. I've even dressed up beforehand." He whistles happily. 

 

This fucker's confidence is too extreme. He should keep some for the grades after the semester ends. Fucking stupid.

 

"Leave him be. I'll check it now." Bone pokes my shoulder repeatedly, his right hand moving the mouse cursor to the faculty's fan page and clicking it. And then the pinned post at the top of the page is right there before our eyes. Ta-dah!!!

 

*The first place is Dunk Tank. The second place is Lucky Draw for Love."

 

"Why are you reading this? Here's our booth."

 

"Loooooooooove it."

 

"Big Bold Men's Huge, Long Sausages.' The name is fucking nasty!"

 

"I like it."

 

"You think it's funny?"

 

"Come on, we won. Whatever the fuck that name is doesn't affect my life." 

 

Too pats my shoulder, smiling sheepishly. I know he feels the same. We're the hot guys of our faculty. People will normally think of our handsome faces when they hear the word 'the Extreme Gang,' but it's changed now. Think of us... think of huge, long sausages.

 

As we expected, Big Bold Men's final amount after deducting necessary expenses ranks fourth. We must thank Khai and Bone's idea of sacrificing their bodies, since we wouldn't've made that much money if we'd simply sold sausages. And so, we're going to celebrate our victory at a famous Japanese restaurant, then we'll drink, increasing our blood alcohol levels. What else can be expected from college life? Despite studying, we just eat, shit, fuck, sleep; that's all. 

 

After we've stuffed ourselves, Khai rides Chawee to the club first because we don't trust the table reservation via the phone. Bone, Too, and I will catch up twenty minutes later.

 

Khunpol Krichpirom

Go to the toilet - At On the Rock

 

Toilet my ass! Let me repeat this. It's only been twenty minutes; how could he bring so many girls to our table already? Ha, at first glance I thought this was a motor show. Our table is swarming with pretty girls.

 

"What is this, Khai, my buddy?" Bone grins and joins in immediately, leaving me and Too looking at each other, knowing things will happen tonight. I always tell myself that I can take it, but it's not easy to sit there and watch someone you love hit on someone else.

 

"Third, how long are you gonna stand there? Sit down," Khai says in his usual deep voice. It pulls me back to reality. 

 

I sit down on an empty seat, a small space for someone like me. When we sold sausages, I was the one who grilled them; so why can't there just be our gang when we celebrate?

 

"I order Black just for you."

 

"For me or for someone else?" I bite back at him and look at the girls. They're smiling at me so sweetly. Oh dear...

 

"For you, but don't drink too much. Nobody's gonna take you home if you get wasted."

 

"Look at yourself first before telling that to someone else." 

 

A tall glass filled with an alcoholic beverage to the rim is placed in front of me. It's a sign of the start of our celebration and the end of an argument that might have led to Khai and me throwing punches at each other.

 

We start introducing ourselves to the unexpected guests, then we just chat and drink quietly, drinking in the soft sound of music. I try not to think too much because I know my best friend's nature so well. Still, I can't help but resent a junior's behaviour. 

 

She clings to Khai too much. Yes, she goes to the same university as me. The others are her friends who held hands and marched here together because Khai couldn't find any table, so he joined their friend's table. If only I'd known it'd be like this, I would've told him to go to another club so that I wouldn't have to sit here in this cramped seat.

 

The more I think about it, the more stressed 1 am. I chug the booze in my glass in one go. The other three assholes are more ridiculously powerful because they prefer drinking on the rocks. I'm the only one who can't drink like that. I'm a loser...Yeah, I lost, but I can't stop myself, plus Too and Bone keep mixing drinks for me diligently.

 

"Third, that's enough for now." A big hand grasps my glass before I chug it down, like always.

 

"Leave me be."

 

"What's the matter? Don't like the music?"

 

"Yeah," I answer, not really meaning it.

 

"Want me to sing for you? You'll be in a good mood in a flash." He rubs my head playfully.  It's because he's like this, always flirting with me. How the hell can I move on?

 

"Your voice will fucking kill me right in my seat. Don't do anything."

 

"All right, all right. But don't be sulky."

 

"Does it fucking matter? Go gulp your drink down."

 

"It does. Who else in the world would I care about if it wasn't you?" Khai wraps his arm around my neck tightly, the other hand holding his drink.

 

"Khai, I'll be right back." The clingy junior gets up with a smile. This fucker lets go of my neck immediately and focuses on her.

 

"Where are you going? Want me to tag along?"

 

"TIl get more bucket."

 

"I'll pay." My damn beloved friend quickly fumbles for his wallet to treat the girl. Good thing she declines, or else he might be broke tonight.

 

"It's all right. It's free if I get it at the bar."

 

"I see. Hurry back, okaaaaaaay?"

 

What a slut. Not the girl, I mean this fucker right here. He's so cheery that I want to stamp my feet on his face. Some clubs have this custom: if you buy booze, you can get a free bucket at the bar. It's actually not free, but some clubbers often use this method: They'd send a pretty girl to lure the bartender to give her a bucket. And it works because the junior comes back with a bucket filled with a pink fluid and lots of straws.

 

"Third, you can drink this." I don't even know her name, but since she said that, I won't refuse. I suck on a straw and fuuuuuuck! My taste buds have gone numb. So bitter!

 

"What's in this bucket?" I almost pull my tongue out of my mouth to rub it clean.

 

"The table next to the stage gave me Black. Another table gave me Red. I mixed a Red Bull in it, so the bartender added lychee juice. How is it? Does it taste good?" 

 

You can't deceive me with this sweet pink colour. Taste good, your ass! What kind of drink is made from these ingredients? Will I die?

 

"...Idon't answer and keep drinking from my own glass.

 

It gets more crowded and wilder as the night goes on. The soft sound of music has now been turned up to warm up the crowd. The alcohol we've been chugging down is working its magic, and now we take turns going to the restroom. Khai turns to me for the third time.

 

"Be right back."

 

"To the restroom?"

 

"Yeah, wanna go?" I shake my head, so he turns to Bone instead. "Bone, come with me."

 

"Nah, don't need to."

 

"Come. With. Me." He stresses each word sternly. They go to the restroom together, leaving me and Too looking at each other in puzzlement. Too moves his ass to sit beside me immediately. The girls keep drinking to their heart's content, not bothering us as much. They just cling to Khai.

 

"There must be something going on. I saw them texting."

 

"Why texting? They can just talk."

 

"That's right, but I saw Bone texting Khai on the phone. Don't you think they're hiding something from us?" Isn't he good at stirring the pot?

 

I noticed that sometimes Khai would type something on his phone, but I didn't care who he was talking to. Now, I start to feel

 

"It could be about girls, like...who would they take home tonight?" They often do this.

 

"Do they need to consult each other about that? Has Khai ever asked, 'Hey..what should I do to get that girl with big tities?'

 

He'd just take them home and stab them til morning."

 

I get curious the more I listen to Too, so I excuse myself to sneak into the restroom to find out what they're up to. There, my two best friends are standing in front of the mirror and washing their hands. Everything seems normal until Khai starts speaking

 

'Stop thinking about it too much, Bone. Your hypothesis is bullshit."

 

"But I noticed it several times, or else I wouldn't tell you to prove it."

 

"So what? I've tried to prove it, but nothing's happened."

 

"But.."

 

"Won't you stop talking about this?"

 

"I've been having this thought that Third has a crush on you."

 

...!!!

 

The words coming out of Bone's mouth make me stunned. I start shaking from my body to my lips without knowing why. I peek to see Khai's reaction, hoping he won't hate me because of how I feel towards him.

 

"Which part of your brain did you use to think that? There is nothing. I tried flirting with him several times, but he didn't even blush or anything. The four of us are still friends."

 

"Why don't you ask Too if Third really thinks of you as a friend?"

 

"You think Too would know that? Third...He rarely tells anyone what he thinks."

 

"That's the point. He wouldn't mess things up by telling you how he feels, right?"

 

"You're delusional. If you keep talking about this, I won't let Mild go with you tonight."

 

"Shit, you know I'll stop if you use girls." I listen to them laugh for a while before moving in another direction.

 

My body has gone numb. My brain has become empty. All the good things he's done to me, everything that has happened, are just him trying to prove that stupid hypothesis. 'Falling to the ground' is probably the best description of how I feel right now.

 

Khai and I have been friends since we were freshmen. He likes messing around, is a playboy, and has dated tons of girls. He's never changed himself for anyone in these past three years. A jerk in those days is still a jerk now.

 

I always tell myself that I like him the way he is. I can accept everything. Just loving him like this is enough. Love has no fucking reason, no logic required. Like is like, love is love. And what's the consequence? I've been hurt for three years, and he's never had a clue.

 

Sometimes I just want to shout at his face that I feel bad for myself for liking him and that I've always been liking him, but i don't have the courage to do it and always end up being hurt alone. I'm just a clown who let him play with my feelings until he's satisfied and leaves. Really? Is that it?

 

I text Too, telling him I'll leave first, but I don't actually go back to my room. I can be drunker, so drive to another club and just hang out with my dumb self. Bone and Khai keep calling me like crazy, but I don't pick up. I can't feel anything. I can't even cry, just holding it all inside my chest, not knowing what to do to feel better.

 

I bring myself home at 3 a.m., all drunk and wasted. As soon as I open the door and enter, I see my crush's tall figure sitting alone on the sofa with a straight face. It's not easy at all to act normal when I see him again. I am so drunk I can't even walk without swaying. I'm trashed, but I still mutter something, though I have no idea if he can hear me or not.

 

"I'm not drunk. I'm fine."

 

"Where did you go?"

 

"This is nothing at all." I'm so fake. So tired.

 

"Third, I'm asking you. Where did you go? Too said you went back first, but why did you just come back?" He starts raising his voice and walking toward me so suddenly.

 

"None of your business!"

 

"What the fuck is wrong with you? Tell me so I can act the way I should."

 

"Did you toy with my feelings?"

 

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

 

"If you don't have any fucking idea why I'm like this, then just leave me alone." 

 

I will move on. I will stop loving him no matter what. But why is he holding me back? I don't want him to see how awful I'm feeling and how hard I'm crying. I want him to see that I am Third, his bright, cheerful friend.

 

"Third, what's wrong?"

 

"I'm just drunk. Sorry. Your girl is waiting." 

 

I lower my head and wipe my tears off my cheek, shaking his hand off mine and striding away to my room. He brought a girl here tonight. His room's door is ajar, so I can see the junior lying on his bed. This much is enough for me to stop all of this.

 

This friend can never love me. That's why I should stop lying to myself so that I won't get hurt over and over again. We've been best friends for three years. We like to watch movies. We're always together. He knows me, and I know him, but it's weird…We never feel the same way.

 

It's the worst morning headache I've had in months. I have a hangover from all the booze and buckets. The alarm woke me up at ten in the morning. It's a relief that I only have afternoon classes today, so I don't have to drag myself to morning classes.

 

I slowly crawl off my bed and grab a towel hanging on a closet door. I step out of my room and stop in front of his room. What a damn bad luck that there's only one bathroom, and it's inside his bedroom.

 

Knock, knock, knock.

I try knocking on his door, and he opens it after a while. He has only one towel wrapped around his waist. On his bed, the junior is sitting there, playing on her phone.

 

"Gonna take a shower?" He asks. I nod and walk inside. 

 

"I'll go first."

 

"Hurry. I have to go somewhere before going to class."

 

"Go to where?"

 

"Not your business."

 

" I'll take a shower first."

 

"I'll wait outside."

 

"No need, she'll leave in a minute."

 

"Want me to give her a lift?"

 

"It's not your job. Her friend's coming to pick her up."

 

As soon as Khai goes to the bathroom, dead silence instantly takes over the room. I smile at the junior occasionally and quietly move to sit on a chair. After a while, she gets up, knocks on the bathroom door, and talks to the person inside; then she turns to face me.

 

"I'll leave now, Third. My friend has arrived."

 

"Yeah, okay, I'll send you to the door."

 

"That's all right. See you later." I don't want to see you again. It already hurts like fuck.

 

"Third, you shithead, come inside!" Khai's voice penetrates my mind. He keeps shouting until I've run out of patience. I walk to the bathroom door.

 

"What?"

 

"Come take a shower with me. I didn't lock the door. Hurry up, or you'll be late."

 

"There's still time."

 

"I'm telling you to hurry up. Don't be fussy." I sigh but still do as he says by stepping inside. 

 

Well, this is not the first time we've taken a shower together when we're in a rush. Khai turns to look at me like he has something to say, but then, wow, oho!

 

"What the fuck are you doing?"

 

"Letting off some steam. It's stuffy."

 

"I'mma rip your dick off." Why did he tell me to come inside to see this nasty view? What should I do, then? Sing him a song?

 

"Go take a shower. I'll use the toilet for a sec."

 

"Suit yourself." Stroke it to your heart's content, buddy. I can't help but tease him, though. "Why didn't you let off steam with that girl?"

 

"Not satisfied."

 

"Ah."

 

"And I didn't get much sleep."

 

"Like you would have time to sleep last night."

 

"I'm serious. You were mad at me. It fucking stressed me out."

 

“I wasn't mad at you. What do you expect from a drunk person?"

 

"You're not usually like that."

 

"Huh." I really want to ask him what kind of person I usually am, what kind of person he believes I am. I chuckle, take off my clothes, and hang them up to take a shower. Even though I've drawn the shower curtain, Khai still asks me as if he knows.

 

"You know you'll have a rash when you're drunk, yet you still got drunk."

 

"Not your business." I turn on the shower to drown out my trembling voice. I don't know if it works, but it should at least cover up the sadness I feel deep inside.

 

"Why are you mad at me? This is not fun at all."

 

"A dumbshit like you doesn't need to know things about me."

 

"You're also dumb."

 

"My grades last semester are higher than yours."

 

"I'm not talking about that. So snobbish."

 

"Not as much as you are, liar."

 

"When was I being a liar? Tell me."

 

"Argh, the hangover." 

 

I change the topic immediately, not wanting to argue with him anymore. I've planned to move on, so l must move on. I'm gonna be just his friend. It'll hurt, but I must bear with it. Thinking about how he played with my feelings just to prove a point, I know damn well i shouldn't be anyone's toy, no matter how close we are.

 

"Need my help? I can make it all gone."

 

"Can you stop sticking your nose in my business for once?"

 

"Why didn't you tell me you'd leave first last night?"

 

"I told Too."

 

"Like that would help. You ended up dragging yourself home, wasted."

 

"As if you can take care of me."

 

"I can take you home at the least."

 

"I brought myself home just fine last night."

 

We stop talking and focus on showering. I get out first because I felt uncomfortable being there. It doesn't help much because Khai comes out eventually.

 

"You're red all over. I'll apply ointment for you."

 

"Go apply it on your girl."

 

"I don't leave marks on people."

 

"Don't wanna know."

 

" Seriously, what's wrong? You've never been like this before."

 

"Stop asking. Stop caring about me at all, if possible. Live your life, be happy, and just leave me out of your business."

 

There's no need to say anything more. I might ruin everything if I continue talking because if he discovers my feelings, the relationship we've built will go for nothing. So will the word 'friends'.

 

I told Bone and Too to meet me at a coffee shop on campus without telling Khai. I also kept quiet about what I overheard last night. Since everything Khai did to me was fake, how can I trust anyone anymore? No, not a chance.

 

"Third, why didn't you tell your beloved friend to come?"

 

"Why should 1?"

 

"Why are you so mad at him? Is there something I don't know? It's been a night already." You're one to talk, Bone, you asshole.

 

"I'm not mad at him."

 

"He just called me, saying you're not the same. Just patch things up. It'll be bad continuing like this."

 

"No one wants things to be bad, but if you were me, you'd understand." You'd understand how much it hurts...

 

"Khai will come here. I want you two to open up to each other." Too says this time. He pats my shoulder sympathetically, though he has no idea what happened last night. But he's probably the only one who understands my one-sided love the most.

 

He knows I love Khai but can't do anything about it. He knows I tried to confess, but it didn't work.

 

Ten minutes later, a tall figure of the famous Comm Arts student comes into the shop. He orders a drink at the counter bar and walks straight to our table.

 

"What's up? Got a hangover?" He greets us like usual, though we know something feels different.

 

"Nah, the girl was so great I had my eyes open til morning." 

 

Bone tries to light up the mood, but it doesn't work.

 

"If you get a hangover, try this: Orangina with two pumps of raspberry juice."

 

"What a slutty drink," I say to the air, and everything goes quiet. It won't take much to patch things up. I just have to step back to where I should be in the first place.

 

"I want to move out."

 

"Third."

 

"Today, if possible."

 

"What bothers you? The girls? Hey, I'm completely fine if you don't want them to come to our room." Khai gets flustered. But that's not the reason. The reason is you...You treated me like a clown.

 

"Can I stay in your room, Too?"

 

"Third, talk to me. What made you upset?"

 

"Nothing. I just want to move so that you can have the freedom to do your things comfortably."

 

"I've never had such a thought."

 

"'I’ll move my things this evening."

 

I stand up to my full height and make my way out of the shop, going straight into a restroom. I'm a guy. I don't want anyone to see me cry. 

 

I'd been putting up with everything to keep my feelings inside, but then one day I found out that my friend, whom I love, was playing with my feelings. His actions and words always lifted my hopes. 

 

I couldn't let go of him because another part of me believed he might really have feelings for me, too. It's too late now that I know the truth, because I have fallen for him so hard I can't find my way up. Hurt is the only word I'd feel thinking about him.

 

The phone vibrates in my pants pocket. I reach for it and see Too's name on the screen. He's the only one who knows my secret, so l have no reason not to pick up.

 

Before I speak a word, another voice cuts in.

 

[I don't know why he's mad at me. He wouldn't tell me.] 

 

It's Khai's voice, not so loud, but I remember it well.

 

[He knows I care about him so freaking much.

 

[You say that, but your actions don't match your words.] Too's voice cuts in at times. I guess he turned the speaker on to let

me hear the conversation.

 

[How don't they match my words? I'm at a loss now.]

 

[Dunno. About the girls? I don't mind them, though, but we've been friends for such a long time; don't let them affect our friendship.]

 

[I always manage myself. I know how much I'd give to my friends and how much I'd give to girls. Of course, my friends are more important. Girls come and go, but Third will always be with me.]

 

[Yeah? I see you've been acting like a jerk to him for a long time, Khai.]

 

[As if you guys haven't been like that.]

 

[Ah, I admit that.]

 

[If he tells me to stop being a jerk, then I'll stop.]

 

[Who?)

 

[Third.]

 

[Why would you do that?]

 

[I don't want to lose him.]

 

[If I have to trade or sacrifice something out of my life, it must not be him.]

 

Right at that moment, I just sit there and cry in the restroom, overwhelmed with many feelings I can't put into words. What should I do? How can I stop loving hìm..?