Theory of Love

The New Beginning of the Same Old Life

 

I have no idea how long we've been hugging each other, letting our emotions take control over logic. Khai doesn't speak or tell me to stop sobbing. He stands still for several minutes. It's only when we pull away from each other that I see his eyes are red.

 

He's not crying, but it hurts me more than him crying and blasting me til he's satisfied.

 

"I didn't think it'd turn out this way." I have no excuse so that I won't deny it.

 

"I understand."

 

"It's because I'm such a scumbag, right? That's why you guys didn't come." After saying that, a thin smile appears on that handsome face, a smile full of pain that crashes me with guilt.

 

"No, it's just a misunderstanding.. Too and Bone didn't mean to do this. It's all my fault." 

 

My tears nearly fall again. Khai reaches his hand out to wipe my tears, his face expressionless. This is not who he is. This is not the Khai I used to know.

 

"It's not your fault. I was willing to wait."

 

".." All the words stick in my throat. I don't even know how to act right now.

 

"Who did you come here with?" He asks in his deep voice.

 

"I came here alone."

 

"Yeah? Then drive carefully. If we don't plan to go tomorrow, I think I should go back to my room as well." He picks up his backpack, carries it on his shoulders, and picks up his other stuff. I use this chance to grab his guitar case.

 

"Let's go back together." After several weeks that we've been estranged, I've come to realise how hurt it feels to force myself not to love Khai. I forced myself til I've hurt all over. Is this how I find a solution for myself?

 

"Can I?"

 

"You can." My voice is shaking uncontrollably.

 

"Can I really go back?"

 

"You can. You don't have to wait anymore."

 

He nods and follows me in silence. It's so quiet that I feel terribly lonely. Khai didn't bring his car. He brought all his stuff here by a cab and waited for his three friends at six in the morning. He was so excited last night, but now he looks very disheartened. Of course, he is. He was left waiting at the train station overnight. If I were him, I'd be so mad that I wouldn't talk to anyone.

 

After I found Khai, I called the other two Extremes and told them to wait in my room. And now I'm focusing on getting the ditched person to my room after I broke down at the train station. This is like...a fucking real-life variety show.

 

"Are you hungry?" It just occurs to me that Khai might not have eaten anything, so I asked him out of worry.

 

"Kinda."

 

"What did you have for breakfast?"

 

"I didn't have anything."

 

"What about lunch?"

 

"A sandwich. I didn't want to go far because you might not find me when you arrived. And you turned off your phone." I feel guilty again.

 

"Then let's find something to eat." I signal a turn and pull over because I spotted a noodle shop. I'll take him to eat something first. His stomach is too precise. I'm scared he'll get sick if it's empty.

 

"What will you have?"

 

"Order something for me," he says and goes to wait at the table, his face pale, pushing the burden to me to order his favourite dish.

 

"Are you sick?"

 

"No, but did you forgive me?"

 

"When did I get mad at you?"

 

"Chingching." I zip my mouth immediately and turn my eyes towards the sky, cars, and night light to avoid this conversation.

 

I kinda still held a grudge against him about that, but when I found him being left alone at the train station, it was all gone. I've never thought we'd stand him up like that.

 

"All my efforts have gone to waste." I feel terrible listening to this sentence. His voice is full of sadness. How much has love hurt us?

 

"They told me she started it. Why didn't you tell me back then?"

 

"You wouldn't've believed me."

 

"I saw it with my own eyes. I didn't want to think it was an accident."

 

"It wasn't like that. When she threw herself on me, I didn't kiss her back, but I was also stunned that I didn't know what to do. I didn't enjoy it; I didn't feel anything. I felt nothing but shock. Before I could push her away, everything I'd tried to do so far turned into nothing."

 

Right! Everything turned into nothing that night, so did my trust in him.

 

"It's my fault for bringing myself into that situation. It's my fault because, after I pushed her away, I thought I'd keep it a secret from you since my selfishness didn't want to lose you. It was unfortunate that you were there, that you happened to witness my shitty behaviour."

 

"If I hadn't gone there with Too that night, we would've still been on good terms, but I'd also still be a fool."

 

"I've learned my lesson, and I won't let it happen again. I won't lie to you because it felt fucking terrible. I remember my heart was in my mouth the moment I saw you run away."

 

"And then you saw Bone and me kissing."

 

"How did you feel?" I want to know...in the heat of the moment that night.

 

"I was so mad that I wanted to kill him. I was mad at myself, too. I didn't fucking know what to do." This is the first time in weeks that we recalled what had happened that night and opened up to each other. Now that I got it off my chest, I somehow feel relieved. Maybe the reason why I've felt distressed all this time was that I closed my heart and refused to listen to Khai's explanation.

 

"Here's your noodles." A bowl of noodles is brought to our table. His big hand pushes the bowl towards me, then he murmurs.

 

"Add seasoning for me."

 

"Are you my friend or my son?"

 

"I want to be whoever is important to you." I wanna puke. I purse my lips and add seasoning into the noodles. Khai doesn't like sour taste, but he loves spicy food, so I have to add only pepper and fish sauce.

 

"Done. You can eat now."

 

"Thanks a loooooot." His voice brightens up now that food is in front of him. He scoffs the first bowl in a minute. As he's waiting for the next bowl, I push mine towards him to eat while waiting.

 

"Actually, there are many things that have made me feel bitter towards you for a while now." And to get all the doubts off my chest, I decide to speak up.

 

"Ask me anything."

 

"The day you auditioned a singer, I heard our friends teasing you and that junior. I don't remember it clearly, but one of the sound guys said you liked her." Even though I couldn't see Khai's expression, judging from the atmosphere, they were definitely having so much fun.

 

"That sound guy liked her, but he used me to cover himself up."

 

"But you didn't deny it."

 

"You were listening for quite some time, huh?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"I didn't say anything, but the other friends saw me glare at him."

 

"What about LINE? I saw you text with her."

 

"I didn't want you to be worried."

 

"You made me worried because you chose to hide it rather than tell me the truth."

 

"Do you want to read it?" He reaches for his phone in his pants pocket.

 

"You said your battery is dead."

 

"I saw your power bank on the back seat, so I used it. If this will make us go back to the way we used to be, do as you wish." I actually don't want to poke my nose into his business, but the way he's lived isn't reassuring at all. If this clears my doubts, I have no reason to hold back.

 

The contact shown on the screen really belongs to Chingching, but it has been blocked. Their chat history isn't that long. I scroll up to read from the first sentence with an unexplainable feeling...

 

ChingChing: Khai, it's Chingching. We met at the audition room

K.Khunpol: Ah, yes

ChingChing: Thanks for today. If I have any problems with the recording, can I ask you?

K.Khunpol: Sure

ChingChing: What are you doing?

K.Khunpol: Going to bed

ChingChing: Yeah? Then I'll stop bothering you

K.Khunpol: Okay

 

Their conversation that day ended with Khai stopping replying to her. They didn't talk until the next morning. Chingching texted him every day, and Khai would give her short, simple replies like 'Okay,' which even made me irritated for the person he texted with.

 

Until...

 

ChingChing: Your friend said you liked me

K.Khunpol: Who?

ChingChing: Mek from the sound team

 

K.Khunpol: Ah, Mek is the one who likes you. I don't.

 

At this point, I feel like I've missed something, or maybe I was being too paranoid to see that things weren't as bad as I thought.

 

I kept scrolling through their messages for almost the whole past month. I know her intention now. She must've really liked Khai, judging from her language and unnecessarily frequent messages.

 

ChingChing: The sound team will celebrate today. Are you coming? Please come. There'll be lots of fun. You haven't talked much lately. Is anything the matter?

K.Khunpol: I'm not free today. But the other guys are going

ChingChing: I want you to come. We rarely get to have fun together. We've been working really hard

K.Khunpol: Ching, I think we should stop talking like this

ChingChing: Did I do something wrong?

K.Khunpol: I have someone I like. I'm hitting on him, Third, my friend. Do you remember? I don't want Third to be worried

 

ChingChing: I got it, but Third wouldn't stop you from coming, right? It's the sound team's day. Won't you come?

 

These are all their conversations. Even though Khai didn't reply to her last message, he went to celebrate with the sound team anyway. I start putting all the pieces together to the point where our misunderstanding that day occurred.

 

"You should've told me sooner," I say meekly.

 

"I've been wanting to tell you for a long time, but you didn't give me a chance."

 

'..'

 

"We've fought for weeks. You were near but felt so far away, plus you cut me off."

 

Because it really hurt back then. It hurt so much that I didn't want to listen to anything. My friends kept telling me and comforting me that what I'd seen wasn't real. I chose to listen to them without thinking of listening to Khai's explanation.

 

Now I know that it was such a bad idea.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"It's not your fault, Third. I'm the one who fucked everything up, remember?"

 

"I'm sorry for not trusting you, and I'm sorry for ditching you today."

 

"Um...All of you turned off your phones. I was worried. I thought something happened."

 

"Everyone's safe. I actually didn't want to see you."

 

"Fucking straight to the point. What about Too and Bone? Don't tell me they hate me, too."

 

"No. Too wanted to keep me company. Bone thought I'd go, so he wanted to give us a chance to patch things up, but the...."

 

"I was dumb. Thanks a loooooooot." He clicks his tongue loudly. Seeing him like this, I don't feel sorry for him anymore. I want my tears back.

 

"Think of it as a dream." I can only console him.

 

"A good dream or a bad dream?"

 

"Probably a bad dream, because you waited for so long."

 

"Don't think so. My bad dream is living without you."

 

I'm speechless. There's nothing for me to prick him with. My hands are empty. I can't squirm, or he'll know I'm feeling shy. Do I have bipolar disorder? I was acting distant to him just now.

 

"Are you shy?"

 

"No."

 

"Good, because I lied."

 

"Shithead."

 

"But if we end up together, I'll pay my respects to black coffee and M-150 for keeping me up at the train station until you came." Those are our energy booster drinks during the exam period.

 

"You said you didn't go anywhere."

 

"I went to the restroom, so I bought them on the way. I wouldn't've gotten up if I hadn't needed to pee. You know what? I looked like a male lead with a dolly camera on me all the time."

 

"Are you trying to comfort me or making me feel bad?"

 

"Nothing like that, but the next trip.."

 

"Hm?"

 

"Let's start over with the next trip."

 

"Um."

 

"You said you wanted to make a fantasy movie for your fourth year's final project. I didn't think about mine, but an idea came up when I was waiting for you on the platform." The third bowl of noodles is served on the table. Khai tightens his grip on his chopsticks and shoves the noodles into his mouth right away.

 

"What kind of shit came up?" I'd rather listen to your idea than watch you scoff your food

 

"I want to tell a story of a man who's waiting for his lover despite not knowing when that person will come, but then he's murdered. He wakes up again on the platform and is shot, and the scene repeats."

 

"You prick, that's Edge of Tomorrow."

 

"My intention is not to copy the movie, but to remind you that you've made someone wait for you repeatedly."

 

"You're despicable."

 

"I recorded my voice. Wanna listen to it?"

 

Now I'm wondering how many languages Khai used to cuss at me. He was ditched for a whole day so that he might hold a grudge. I cry out when I see ten recordings. Why did he have to blast me that much?

 

"Did you want to kill me? These are fucking many."

 

"I had a lot in my mind."

 

I muster the courage and play the first recording, glancing at the person eating. Khai acts nonchalant, so I pay my attention to the recordings on his phone.

 

The first recording:

[Eight o'clock, the time we're supposed to meet. It's very crowded here. I'm waiting for you guys at Platform 7. Hurry up, dudes. We're gonna miss the train.]

 

The second recording:

[Nine o'clock. Dunno if their clocks are broken or what because I've been waiting for two hours now and they still haven't shown up. They've announced our train. It's taking off now. Shame on you guys...You've missed the train.]

 

The third recording:

[You fuckers, it's ten now. Where the fuck are you guys? Pick up your phones.]

 

"You cussed a lot."

 

"Gotta blow off steam."

 

The fourth recording:

[Eleven o'clock. There's no sign of my fellows. Should I leave and take a step back?]

 

"Why didn't you leave then?"

 

"If you came and didn't see me, I was afraid you'd feel hurt."

 

"Didn't it hurt more waiting like that?"

 

"If someone has to feel hurt, let it be me."

 

The fifth recording:

[Exactly at noon. My stomach growled loudly, so I had to eat the sandwich I brought. Is something the matter, guys? Did you guys get flat tyres? I'm worried…]

 

The sixth recording:

[One in the afternoon. I don't care if we'll miss the train or which train will take off. All I care is if you guys will show up or not.]

 

I listen to all the recordings. Khai recorded his thoughts and the situations at that time every hour. Waiting is torture; I know that well. I think the person recording these must have felt terribly uneasy because he was left alone. Until 6 p.m., there's no recording for me to listen to.

 

"The battery was dead," he says in his deep voice, knowing what I'm thinking.

 

"Yeah? It was dead because you made recordings."

 

"No, I made many calls 'til it ran out."

 

"You said you didn't call me."

 

"I called you one time. When I knew you'd turned off your phone, I stopped calling since I didn't want to bother you. I called our friends in the major to ask for you instead, but no one knew where you were. I was fucking scared that something might've happened to you. You know, when I was waiting, I was worried that I'd definitely be stood up. I was so damn mad."

 

"But then I was worried about you guys more. I was scared something bad happened. I was scared of everything. Before I knew it, a senior called me and told me he'd seen you and Bone at the mall. I felt relieved and told myself you guys would come soon, so I continued waiting."

 

"Shit, you lied to yourself."

 

"That's right. Do you know what I would've said to you if my battery hadn't run out?"

 

"Probably told me off, like...you'd say the most hurtful words you'd ever used." That's my guess. Khai had known since evening that the reason I didn't show up wasn't an accident or an emergency, but that I didn't want to come.

 

"Then listen to the eleventh message."

 

"Third, you fucker!"

 

"It's a relief that you're all right. I'll wait for you right here."

 

He reaches out his big hand to stroke my head affectionately and smiles. It turns out I'm the one feeling guilty. It's like karma has caught up to me. And I know....By "waiting right here," he doesn't mean being in a place; it's a feeling.

 

"Khai, do you know how I felt when Bone knocked on my door and told me he didn't go with you?™

 

"You felt like I deserved it?" I shake my head.

 

"I felt hurt."

 

"In my mind, I keep telling you to go home. I wish you wouldn't have waited for me."

 

"But I still waited for you, hoping that even though we didn't take a trip together, at least we'd get to go home together."

 

"You'd waited really long before I came."

 

"Uh-huh."

 

"Wanna sleep over at my room tonight?" I'm not inviting him, just asking...

 

"I was waiting for you to say that. Let's go to your room after I'm done eating. I want to sleep so damn much."

 

Khai eats faster than usual, though he's always been a fast eater. As soon as we've paid for our meal, we drive to my condo, where our friends, Too and Bone, are waiting.

 

After opening the door, Khai is warmly welcomed by those two friends who hop on him and wrap their arms around his neck tightly.

 

"Khai, you ass, we're soo0oo0ooorry."

 

"Let me go, you shit. Argh! Let me go!" I watch the tall figure struggle to break free. Those punks drag him to the living room and jump on top of him, his groan echoing through the room.

 

Those three love violence. I kinda wonder why Khai has to get severely attacked as compensation for being stood up. It's taken almost half an hour for them to make-up-kicking each other for fifteen minutes, bawling at each other for another fifteen minutes. They finally sit down and have a proper conversation.

 

We gotta thank our friend in the major for contacting Bone, because after he turned on his phone, he learned the painful truth: we'd left our friend waiting at the train station for more than ten hours.

 

"So you're not mad at us anymore, right?" Bone asks, smiling.

 

"What should I say, you asshole? If you're gonna flake out on me, then give me a call. It's torturing for the person waiting."

 

"We sent Third to save the day. He was fricking worried about you."

 

"When was I?" I bellow. Those three are opening up to each other, but they've ended up getting me involved.

 

"Awwww, when he knew I didn't go with you, he jumped into his car and took off to the train station right away. Right! Not worried at all." Sarcasm and ridicule are buried deep in Bone's low nature. My feet are itching to kick some idiot here.

 

"Aren't you guys gonna leave? It's already past four in the morning."

 

"Aw, Third, are you trying to kick us out so that you can have a sweet time with Khunpol?"

 

"Not funny, Too. I'm fucking sleepy. Let's talk later tomorrow."

 

"All right, we're gonna go to bed now. You two...don't poke each other just yet. It'll ruin our excitement."

 

Masshole! I nag Too and Bone, following them to the front door. Silence falls upon us again when there are only Khai and me left in the room. We look at each other awkwardly.

 

"I'm gonna change my shirt."

 

"Change into your shorts."

 

"What kind of perverted thought are you having?"

 

"What? I'm worried the smell of noodles will stick to your pants." His face is so naughty. I'd be fricking stupid if I believed him.

 

"I'll take care of it myself."

 

"Get changed here. It'll save time."

 

"Fuck off."

 

"Can you wear shorts? I like sexiness."

 

"Don't have one."

 

"Football shorts, then."

 

"I'm going to sleep, not to play football. You take a shower. The towel is in the closet," I say and scowl at him to make him shut up. Hold up! When I met him at the train station, he looked like an abandoned dog, but now he's become a completely different person.

 

"Wanna take a shower together again? I can scrub your back." Dumbass! Will our love really work out? I don't think it will because of Khai's occasional sex drive.

 

"Go the hell away right now. What a pain."

 

"Okay, okay."

 

"Don't take too long, you'll shrink," I say jokingly.

 

"Just admit you're worried my willy won't get hard." His reply drains all the jokes out of me like usual. Decency can back off; show off if you're a pervert.

 

Ten minutes later, the tall figure walks out of the bathroom in my clothes. He turns off the light dutifully and jumps onto the bed without asking me, the owner of the bed. He even pulls me into his embrace, squeezing me tightly without a care in the world.

 

"It's cramped. Can you sleep properly?"

 

"Well, I'm happy. I thought I'd have to stay over at the train station."

 

"I should've left you there."

 

"And someone would cry himself to sleep."

 

"I wasn't at the point that I would burst out crying every second." Even though what he said was actually close to reality. It's all gone, the coolness I used to have.

 

"Okay, you're fucking strong and so goddamn cool, so be my bolster tonight. I like humping my bolster."

 

"You bastard."

 

"There are lots of things you don't know I like. I might write them into my script for the fourth-year's final project, something like pillow humping, floor humping, the technique to build a beautiful world with our hands, the trick to peep at girls' boobs in the erotic dimension." What kind of knowledge is that? Do I really have to be hit on by someone like this? Not to mention, I'm the one who liked him first.

 

"Khai, can you stop talking shit like this? I'm gonna puke."

 

"Do you wanna know about my period of confusion before I fell in love with you?"

 

"Bullshit."

 

"Loving you isn't bullshit."

 

"Do whatever you want."

 

"When I'd found out you liked me, it felt like I had sudden hearing loss, like, I couldn't believe my ears. I couldn't stand it; I was confused, mad, I had all sorts of feelings. I sometimes wanted to walk right to you and tell you not to love me because I couldn't take care of an important thing." He's telling me about his feelings in the past one by one,

but I already knew Khai would've felt like that. And so, I don't argue or ask him anything, just listening to his true feelings quietly.

 

"I even lost my wallet. I broke lots of bikes before Chawee. It wouldn't be different with your heart. If you gave it to me, I would break it into pieces with my own hand one day."

 

"So what if it broke?"

 

"I was such a scumbag back then. Would you really be willing to let it break?"

 

"I'd prepared myself to get hurt. Even though I knew you'd break my heart one day, it was my problem to deal with. If I could love you, I must be able to heal myself from the pain. That was what I was always thinking. But now.." 

 

Things aren't the same. My defence mechanism isn't about healing myself after bad experiences. It's about preventing myself from getting hurt. And what's the result? I can't do it anyway...

 

"But now, I'm giving it my all to win your heart while you're still hesitating." Khai makes a guess.

 

"I'm not hesitating. I don't trust you."

 

"I'm trying to prove myself to you."

 

"By mashing that girl's lips? I forgave you because you didn't return her feelings. That's why I gave you a chance; otherwise, we would be done. I didn't even know if we could still be friends."

 

"I'm lucky I still got a chance. Thanks, Third."

 

"You don't have to thank me for that."

 

"I have to. At least I still got a chance to love you."

 

And then, Khai blabbers away about all the girls in the past for almost an hour like an excited kid. I'm pretty good since I've forced myself to listen to him until now.

 

"Are you sleepy? Go to sleep if you are. You don't have to listen," he asks me as if he can read my mind. His heavy arms are still holding me tight with no intention to let go.

 

"I'm not." But my voice is muffled, and my eyes are drowsy. Why? Why do I force myself to listen to these craps?

 

"Just sleep. Don't lie."

 

"I'm not sleepy."

 

"Seriously?"

 

"Um."

 

"Honestly, do you wanna know about my past loves, or my past stories?"

 

Mind reader! But it's probably the latter. Our train trip from Bangkok to Surat has drifted away in the wind after we left Khai waiting at the train station. Do you know what good point about missing this trip that the Extreme Gang came up with? It didn't rain.

 

Yeah, because our trip needed friends, a train, and the rain. If it didn't rain, we wouldn't get the feel. That's what happened last week, but now it rains every day, and our shoes are all wet.

 

The Faculty of Comm Arts and the production team have rescheduled ticketing even though the stage play isn't nearly ready. However, to increase the faculty's budget since the welfare team is short of money right now, we need to sell presale tickets. 

 

The presale tickets can be reserved on the fan page, and we're going to station our staff all over campus to sell tickets and collect payment. It's the PR team's main job, but since we're short-staffed, the actors have to go as well to lure customers. Even Khai, the old actor, has to go.

 

Before everyone splits up and goes to the selling spots, we assemble to receive the tickets the audience has reserved.

 

"We have to achieve our sales goal, or else we'll lose money," the head of the PR team says sternly. The crisis this year is worse than every other year.

 

"Fan, lure the ladies with your handsome face." The male lead nods. He shoulders responsibility for the stage play, and now he shoulders responsibility for using his face to lure people into giving him money. All gone, his pride; it can't fill our stomachs.

 

"I suggest we set our backdrops at each spot to promote our stage play."

 

"Good idea. Any more suggestions?"

 

"I have one. We should sell Khai's NMD. The secondhand version is worth many tens of thousands."

 

"They're fake."

 

"Liar!"

 

"This is me, Khai around the World." Too and Khai's bickering makes the listeners scratch their heads. Not only are they being useless, but they also waste everyone's time. "You two are annoying. Let's split before it pours. The sky is cloudy now." 

 

Chen wraps up the topic, and we split up to our assigned spots. Those who get to be indoors are lucky. The Extreme Gang is unlucky since our spot is in front of the library. We can't go inside, and the security guard only lets us use the space under a lean-to, which can shield us from the sunlight and rain only a little.

 

ZAA!!!

 

"There it is, it's pouring." Good thing we're done moving the backdrop and our stuff here; the four of us are now standing side by side to shelter ourselves from the rain.

 

"Do something to stop the rain," Too starts a topic.

 

"Third has to stick lemongrass into the ground. He's a virgin."

 

"What a world...I'm afraid it'd be a drought till our next lives." Just have a one-on-one fight with me, Too.

 

"Let's do this," Khai suggests an idea, and not just that, he reaches his rough hand to pinch my cheek, pulling it.

 

"Will this stop the rain?" Bone asks curiously. I'm also curious, and my cheek hurts.

 

"No, Third's just so cute."

 

"Whoa, isn't that too much?" I slap his hand away in annoyance. With this pouring rain, nobody would be stupid enough to come here to get damp tickets. But if we kick the water splashing at our feet or watch raindrops falling from the roof and hitting the ground, it'll be too indie, so Too initiates a conversation.

 

"Looking at the rain, I think of the last year when we ran through the rain to class."

 

"Ah, I remember Third tied his shoes, hung them around his neck, and ran barefoot to the faculty."

 

"Why didn't I know about this?" Khai says suddenly. The three of us turn to look at him and recall memories.

 

"You were clingy to your girlfriend back then. I remember you skipped classes more than attending them."

 

Bone enlightens us. Don't say Khai was clingy to his girlfriend. He was clingy to tits. He didn't go out with one girl and changed girls more frequently than he changed his underwear. It was probably the most painful period in my life. The second semester of my second year, a fucking peak time to be in love.

 

"No one knew Third liked you back then. I should've hit on him first. His lips are fucking soft."

 

"Bone, you bastard!" If I hadn't stood between them, they would've thrown punches at each other by now. By the way, why do I become the topic of a conversation again?

 

"Third was the one kissing me."

 

"And then I punched you, remember?"

 

"Faintly. But Third's kiss was sweet, so I remember that more clearly."

 

"You fuck."

 

"You even want to do Third."

 

"It's my right. You're his friend, know your place."

 

"Stop talking about this. I don't like it." 

 

Everyone goes quiet the moment I end the topic. Seriously, you guys were talking over my head as if I wasn't here.

 

"What do I do to make you like me?" Khai asks.

 

"Buy me a new car, a ten million-dollar sports car."

 

"Is that really what you like? Trust your daddy."

 

"I was being sarcastic." This prick is serious about everything. His horns are probably longer than a buffalo's. Since I feel bad about comparing the buffalo to him, I change the subject. "Where are you guys going after selling the tickets?"

 

"I'm leaving with you," Khai answers right away and makes a snobby face at Bone, who holds up his phone and whispers.

 

"I'm seeing a girl."

 

"What about you, Too?" I ask the person who's the quietest in this situation. He's been quiet for a while, looking at the rain and puddles as if he's anxiously thinking about something.

 

"Me? I have plans with the seniors. They said they'd take me to a movie."

 

"Um." That's normal of him. "By the way...which gang are you going with?"

 

"Un's."

 

"Un? When did you guys get close?!"

 

"Urrrigh, he's the assistant director. We got to work together sometimes."

 

"Right."

 

Nobody asks anything more. We're just waiting for the rain to stop, but it doesn't look like it'll stop soon, so we play on our phones to kill time.

 

Shortly after, a girl runs through the rain towards us in a hurry. I can think of two reasons she might be hurrying to read books at the library: One, she hurries to read books at the library; Two, it's ten minutes past the time to get the tickets, so she has no choice but to run through the rain to get them. 

She's soaked and shivering, so my gang and I quickly hand her a jacket. When she looks up, all of us are frozen.

 

"I came to get my tickets." Jam...

Khai's latest ex-girlfriend. She was a real girlfriend since she went out with Khai for the longest time. How should I put it? Khai's past still haunts us to the present day.

 

"Ah… oh, give us your name. You can wait for the rain to stop here after getting your tickets." Bone is the one inviting her, but, judging from his expression, he doesn't really want her to stay.

 

"My name is Sunitcha. Is this Khai's jacket?" 

 

Our faculty has its own jackets. It's a black jacket with a big 'Nitade' embroidered on the back. But I think ex-lovers can probably remember each other's stuff and scents.

 

"Um."

 

"Are you doing well?" I gulp, somehow feeling uncomfortable being caught up between two people who used to be lovers. And I'm… a friend who has feelings for him. Jam must already know it.

 

When I helped Khai and Jam end up together, I did it against my will. I said I didn't care, but the opposite was true.

 

"I'm doing okay. There were highs and lows. What about you?"

 

"Nothing much, just hurt."

 

That sentence is like sharp steel piercing through my heart without warning. I really hate this kind of situation. I wouldn't bring myself into this situation if I could help it.

 

"What about you, Third? You must be doing well, right?" The question is sent to me this time. What the hell should I say? I'm doing so well because Khai's going after me? Or is it so fucked up because I recently saw Khai mash someone else's lips? What kind of answer won't hurt her?

 

I can't think of what to say, so I choose to stay silent. Too pokes my shoulder and pulls me to stand beside him. At least I won't feel uncomfortable, like I did when I was between those two.

 

"Haha, it's raining, and we don't have any umbrellas." Bone tries to light up the smouldering mood, but it doesn't work because Jam doesn't even turn to talk to him. The narrow space where five people are standing has an invisible wall dividing them. Khai's the only one who looks unbothered, despite being the cause of this.

 

"You came to get the tickets alone?" I hear his deep voice. Under the pouring rain that doesn't seem to stop, I can feel the spreading awkwardness.

 

"Yeah, I bought three tickets to watch the play with my best friends."

 

"Thanks for supporting my faculty."

 

"I wanted to watch it because you were going to play the lead role, but I won't get to watch you now."

 

"It's a shame."

 

"How's your leg?"

"The cast has been removed. I can walk, but not run."

 

"I've been catching up with you even though you blocked me."

 

"...!!!" Who's at fault here? Me, who has feelings for his best friend? Khai, who doesn't know how to love? Or Jam, who is self-centred? But we all have parts in making things end up this way.

 

"Have you ever thought about us getting back together?"

 

I hold my breath after hearing the words coming from Khai's ex's mouth. I feel a twinge in my chest, afraid of Khai's answer. But I'm more afraid that they will get back together. I'm so fucking selfish.

 

In the past, my one-sided love was about texting him and wondering if he'd read it or reply. I wondered if he'd feel something deep in my messages or think they were just normal messages from a friend.

 

Like, when I texted him, 'Miss you,' what kind of 'miss' did he think I meant? And 'Love you,' what kind of 'love' did he think I felt? I sometimes got anxious, so I  just typed messages without sending them. I don't want things to be like that anymore.

 

"I don't think I have."

 

"Is it because of Third?"

 

"We broke up before Third influenced my feelings, so please don't get him involved with our breakup. I broke up with you because I was a jerk." 

 

This is the first time I've seen Khai admit his fault. He was always blaming the sky, the earth, and his damn fate when he was the one at fault.

 

"You really were a jerk."

 

"I admit that."

 

"A real dick."

 

That fucking hurts! My tiger looks so small right now. He broke up with her on the phone and cut ties with her as if they were strangers. If it happens to me one day, who will be responsible for the pain except myself, who chose it in the first place?

 

"Can we be friends?" Jam asks.

 

"We can't. I'm not friends with my exes."

 

"I got it. The rain hasn't stopped, but I gotta go now."

 

"Take my jacket. At least it'll shield you from the rain." Jam nods, not saying anything. She covers her head with the jacket and runs through the rain until she's out of our sight.

 

There's no saying goodbye, no last smile to each other. It's a goodbye that separates them so they can live their own lives. How hurt will she feel? How hard will she cry? Will she hug that jacket and think about the past?.

 

I'm thinking about many situations, trying to put myself in her shoes. After all this time, is it right that things have turned out this way? Though I didn't get in between them, I still feel guilty:

 

“Real dick' was so harsh it huuuuuuuurt my skull, haha." Bone strikes the moment she's gone. He's teasing Khai with a smile, but Khai isn't affected and replies evenly.

 

"I don't feel hurt. I'm shameless."

 

"Because you've broken many hearts. But Jam was the one you went out with the longest."

 

"It wasn't even one year."

 

"It was long, compared to other girls you went out with. You once said you really liked her."

 

"That was before I dated her, before we knew love had more conditions."

 

"She'll find a good person one day. If we were still dating, we would break up anyway. We had different thoughts. No matter how hard we'd try, the one feeling hurt the most would be Jam."

 

"You suddenly look like a decent person, but your explanation isn't too convincing."

 

"I don't want to act like I'm a good guy because I'm a real jerk. Do you know why I could cut people off that easily? I didn't want to hold them back...Just cut them off so that they could move on. If I held them back and kept in touch with them, do you think they'd forget me? They would want to get back together with me, then they'd get hurt again. It's better this way."

 

"Let it be my problem to solve."

 

"But sometimes I got unlucky and caught up between you lot," I can't help saying it.

 

"It will never happen again. I'm sorry for putting you in that kind of situation."

 

"....”

 

"I'm sorry for being selfish, not wanting to lose anything. I once told you I couldn't take care of my important things, but you're the first thing I want to take care of."

 

"You must've watched too many movies. Give me something to wash my eyes, damn it." The mood is ruined when Bone cuts in. I'm gonna take that, but I still don't believe him. We all know Khai's list of scandals is very long. When he can prove himself with actions more than words, I'm gonna give him a chance to take care of me that day.

 

The mission to sell the tickets in the rain proceeds. We often have to answer questions on the fan page because of this terrible weather, and many people have cancelled their tickets. That's why it doesn't take long to sell the tickets, just three hours, including when we were standing here uselessly. But the rain doesn't seem to stop.

 

"I'm gonna go to the faculty before getting home."

 

"Me, too," Too and Bone say.

 

"I'm gonna leave now. Third, come with me." Khai has my hands tied.

 

"Then the two of us will take the backdrop back. See you tomorrow." After saying that, my two dear friends help each other carry the backdrop over their heads to shield themselves.

 

"Khai."

 

"What?"

 

"Don't hurt my friend."

 

"I know."

 

And then, those two run off through the rain without looking back. What's with what Too said, anyway? He entrusted me to Khai as if I was going to get married. It was fricking cheesy.

 

"I don't have my jacket anymore. Let's use my books." After watching our friends run far away, he opened his backpack and handed me a textbook.

 

"No, you won't be able to read it if it's wet."

 

"My book isn't as important as your head."

 

"You actually don't care about books that much. Don't try to fool me."

 

"I’ll slap your mouth with my dick."

 

"Khai, you asshole."

 

"It's raining. You'll get sick."

 

"I have my own backpack. I can use it to cover myself."

 

"I know you value your books so much."

 

"Then let's wait here til the rain stops." However, I don't know when it will.

 

"Agreed." We stand here quietly, and soon, the person beside me asks, "Are you mad that I gave Jam my jacket?"

 

"Why would I be mad? It was yours."

 

"It was raining really hard, so I gave it to her. Because I couldn't go with her anymore."

 

"..."

 

"But you and I still have to walk forward together. We don't need a jacket. We only need each other."

 

TRAILER

 

"Why are you wearing a raincoat? It's not even sprinkling."

 

"It will, eventually."

 

"We're taking the train, not walking. Don't be ridiculous."

 

I don't understand why these so-called 'cool' three Extremes are acting so stupid. They've been excited for days after we marked the location and set our travel date. Time went by so fast every day.

 

The first semester ended with the final exam that almost made us collapse. This is an unplanned trip. We only knew that we were going. The destination isn't as important as the journey. Plus, we'll have to make up the plot as we go along. We've packed our friendship in our backpacks. We've brought our own cameras, one book each, a guitar, an iPod with a thousand songs, sandals, sunglasses, and hats. It begins again.

 

Bangkok - Surat

Scene 1, Platform 7/ The train station /4.45 a.m.

 

"Here, here, right here." The tall figure stands at the seats on the other side. He points at the seats for someone who just got on the train like me before plopping down on his seat with a smile.

 

Our seats are two-person long seats facing each other, so it's perfect for four members. There aren't many people this early in the morning. It's like we're on the train of death.

 

A female vendor would come once in a while, selling carbonated soft drinks, snacks, and food boxes at such expensive prices.

 

"Note it down, Third. The first scene after boarding the train- we'll buy chicken. Ma'am!" Bone waves at the vendor.

 

"What would you like to have, son?"

 

"Chicken and sticky rice."

 

"Do you want some drinks?"

 

"I’ll have a Coke, please. How much is it?"

 

"Forty-five baht."

 

Holy shit, it's more expensive than our university's coffee. I remember a Coke is only thirteen baht. The price shoots up so freaking high just because it's sold on a train. Should I include this in the plot?

 

"Then I'll have only chicken, no sticky rice." 

 

After paying and getting the change, I watch Bone and Too gnaw the chicken bones. Where's the meat?

 

"What's the outline?" We should be serious about the project, too, not just eating chicken.

 

"The outline is the relationship between a group of people taking a trip on the train in the rainy season. It starts as friends and ends as lovers." Okay, I'll note it down as a concept.

 

"Do it later. You woke up early; get some rest." 

 

Khai pulls my notebook and places it down on his lap.

 

"I'm not sleepy." Look at Bone. He's gnawing on chicken right now.

 

"Then let's talk about our future."

 

"I don't want to talk about that."

 

"If we do nothing during the journey, it'll be dull. We should add some situations."

 

"Like ordering a beer? Chicken and beer sound good together. Ma'aaam." How do the topics connect? It doesn't make sense. The vendor comes to us faster than a missile.

 

"What would you like to have, son?"

 

"Four beers, please."

 

"I don't want it," I quickly refuse. I won't touch alcoholic drinks anymore. It still sticks in my mind when I threw up through Khai's fingers.

 

"I bought you one. How much is it?" Daddy Bone pays for the drinks, and now we have a beer each in our hands. Khai is the first one chugging it down until there's not a single drop left.

 

"Will you drink it?' He asks me.

 

"No."

 

"I'll drink it, then." He grabs my beer and chugs it down immediately. When you love someone, you drink their beer, huh? I'm so touched.

 

"Khai, you low animal. I bought Third that beer. It's not for you to drink."

 

"When he's drunk, he'll puke and have a rash. Don't you feel bad for him? Plus, why wouldn't I have the right over him?"

 

"Are you guys husband and wife?"

 

"You shit." So annoying!

 

"Look at your baby. He denied it with a straight face. Does it hurt that he rejected you?"

 

"Third...who am I to you?" He asks through gritted teeth, forcing me to answer. He knew I wouldn't give an answer that would get me teased by those two Extremes, but he still asked

 

"You're not anyone to me."

 

"You are mine."

 

"When was I?!"

 

"Not physically, but emotionally."

 

"Wooooooo! Keep this move at home, dude. I almost choke on my beer. Ack!"

 

I sometimes think about why I decided to join the trip with these punks. To travel and survey the location for the movie, or to be burned down quietly by these three?

 

Scene 2, Bogie 16/ On the railway / /5.30 a.m.

 

"Ma'am, three more beers, please."

 

"Here you goooooooo."

 

Holy fucking shit, during the past hour, Khai, Bone, and Too haven't stopped chugging beers. A plastic bag we got from a train officer is full of beer cans. Are you here to travel or get drunk?!

 

"Third, I have an idea. I want a scene where the main characters play a game." Too, who always becomes bright when he's drunk, elaborates on his idea.

 

"What game?"

 

"The one we played at the pool party."

 

"I don't remember. We played, like, hundreds of games."

 

"The one you say the answer first and then guess the question."

 

"How? I didn't play this game that night." Or I was just too drunk to remember what happened that night. And so, Bone will show me how to play this game.

 

"For example, if I say 'Quentin Tarantino,' you will have to guess what the question of this answer is. That's it."

 

"Got it. But why do we have to include this lousy scene in our short movie?"

 

"You're not cool at all. What's your guess, though? Let's continue since we started it." 

 

They don't even look at my face to see if I'm in the mood to play.

 

"Your favourite movie director?"

 

"Correeeeeeeeect! You're the best, buddy." So fun.

 

"Guess mine, Third. Marketing subject." Too grin, sitting up straight, staring at me intensely. Excuse me… are you playing "finding weaknesses”?

 

"What is your favorite subject?"

 

"Wrong."

 

"The subject you couldn't enroll in time."

 

"Wrong. I was whining in your room, my friend."

 

"Oh, your first F grade."

 

"Correeeeeeeeect! The question is What's the subject I got an F on for the first time?" 

 

Dickhead, you got your first in the first year. The subject of Marketing for Comm Arts is easier than melting candy in your mouth, idiot.

 

"Me, me." Even Khai joins in. "Flipped."

 

"That's fucking easy. What's my favorite movie?"

 

"Wrong." Huh?

 

"The first movie I put up for auction."

 

"Wrong."

 

"The question is the movie I watched most often." We were all stunned. Wait, Khai hates romantic movies, but the movie he watched most often is a romantic movie?

 

"Did you really watch it?" I ask, just to be sure.

 

"I did. I'm head over heels in love with it." He gives me a damn wide smile. "Your tum."

 

"I can't think of anything."

 

"I’ll do it again, then. The answer is okay."

 

"What is it? Can you lend me some money?" 

 

My heart is weirdly beating fast as I'm guessing. The way my friends opposite me look at me is strange, so is Khai's expression.

 

"Not that."

 

"Do you want to hang out?"

 

"Wrong. I think you know it, Third."

 

"I don't know anything. What should I answer?"

 

"You know it."

 

"I’ll treat you to a meal tomorrow?"

 

"Wrong."

 

"Go to the restroom with me?"

 

"So annoying. You keep dodging it. The question is 'Will you be my boyfriend?''

 

"That easy?"

 

"Yeah, that easy. Answer!"

 

"Answer my ass. You only give me one answer, which is okay."

 

"Holy sheeeeeeeeeeeeet!"

 

"You and I are together now, Third. Let me kiss your forehead." After saying that, Khai grabs my face, holding it tight. Half a second later, he boldly presses his lips on my forehead so hard I feel like my skull almost breaks.

 

"Wait, I didn't say yes," I say sternly, and the loud cheer from those three quiets down.

 

"What do you mean?" Khai asks, confusion shown in his eyes.

 

"About being in a relationship with you."

 

"I'm sorry, but I think I have to reject..."

 

At that moment, I see the smile on his handsome face slowly...fade away.