Theory of Love

The Thing I've Never Said

 

"Third, please don't leave me."

 

"Can you please not leave me?" He keeps saying that in a shaking voice. But from what I saw, you've made your choice. The hurt we're feeling right now is undoubtedly caused by our previous actions. And to stop this pain...

 

"We should really be just friends, Khai." No matter how many tears of pain have fallen down, I have to accept the truth.

 

It's not bad to go back to the way we were before. On the contrary, Khai will have the freedom to do what his heart wants, without worrying about how I feel or how much I can take. If our love starts with discomfort, it'll end one day, anyway.

 

"No, no, I won't be friends with you. I'm not letting you go." He tightens up his embrace so hard that I can barely breathe. My throbbing headache is getting worse. It could be because I cried really hard. I lost my strength at last and just let him hold me without a fight.

 

"Khai, I think you should take him home." I'm about to turn my face to Bone, but Khai's big hand presses my head into his shoulder. He replies in a low voice.

 

"Of course, I'll take him home. You and I can talk later."

 

"Yeah, I won't run away, jackass. I was punched for nothing."

 

"You kissed my person!"

 

"Your person is also my friend. Goddamnit!"

 

"Hey, guys, what are you doing here?" I remember Too's voice, but Khai doesn't give me a chance to take a look at the situation at all. His hand presses hard down my back; the other hand presses my head on his shoulder and keeps it like that.

 

The person who just came goes quiet for a moment, then he speaks again in a low voice.

 

"Khai.. what did you do to Third?"

 

"I'll handle this."

 

"I'm asking what you did to him."

 

"It's none of your business."

 

"Let him go. I said let him go, fucker!" My body's rocking back and forth because they're pulling me, but I still end up in the embrace of a scumbag like Khai.

 

"I have to talk to Third. I have to make up with him."

 

"You made him cry."

 

"Fuck, Too... let them deal with it themselves. Take me to the doctor first..I'm gonna die now." 

 

I hear my best friend grunting as I try to stifle a sob in this tall friend's embrace. I know I'm not in my right mind at this moment, so I can't talk or make up with him right now.

 

"I don't want to talk to you. I want to go home," I tell him, what I want yielding. It'll be a great help if I can get out of here as fast as possible.

 

"Let's go home, then." Khai doesn't let me object to him. He grabs my wrist and leads me inside the pub. The dim light and loud music worsen my headache. When he walks back to his table, the heat running up my face intensifies, and I have to pause.

 

"I'm not going there." That girl's still sitting there, and the sight of Khai and her kissing keeps replaying in my head. Enough. I've hurt enough.

 

"I'm gonna get my wallet and key. Can you wait here? Don't go anywhere." I don't answer, but I don't think I have any strength left to go anywhere when the world's spinning like this.

 

Getting no response from me, Khai walks back to the table, grabs his stuff, and talks to the person sitting there for a while. I avert my eyes from the sight since he keeps looking at the girl who's been working with us for a short while. I hate myself for being worried even though I tried not to think.

 

Khai does everything hurriedly before leaving the large group of friends, but then he has to pause because that girl takes his wrist. I step forward unconsciously, thinking of many things to say. It could be...It's okay. You stay here; I'll go home myself, or... see you tomorrow. I'll ask Too to take me home...

 

I know it's crazy, but I'm really worried about choosing what to say. Before I know it, I've already stood close to my best friend's tall figure.

 

"Khai, what's the matter?" The question is full of doubt. I take a deep breath and speak with a hoarse voIce.

 

"Khai, you..stay..

 

"Leave me be, please." My words are cut off by his harsh tone of voice; then he pulls me forward, making me follow his long strides out of the pub, going straight to the parking lot. He pushes my head into his car with his big hand. Silence hangs in the air despite how fast the car accelerates. 

 

It hurts so much that my stomach drops. There are lots of questions in my head, but I don't know which one to ask, so I end up staying silent like before. I used to be a cheerful guy. I'd always been cheerful until I fell in love with Khai, and everything changed.

 

I just want to go back to the way things were, fooling around with my friends, studying hard, and laughing every day. But today, I've found out that I'm in too deep, too deep that I've forgotten how to laugh because all I remember now is tears.

 

Khai makes a turn into his condo's underground parking lot. I don't oppose him for not taking me to my room. After turning off the engine, he opens the car door and helps me get up. Now, it's become clear that I'm really drunk. My head hurts, and I feel dizzy. A feeling of nausea makes me want to throw up right here, but I hold it in and follow the steps of the person in front of me slowly.

 

"Khai, I.." I want to puke.

 

This is what I intend to say after Khai tried to open his room's door with his keycard. He turns to me and asks in alarm.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

"..." I instantly cover my mouth with my hand before I can finish my sentence.

 

"Woah, woah, hold on a sec." The whole world is suddenly full of discomfort. Holding in vomit makes me want to die. It's bitter, as if I'm smelling a shit.

 

Khai drags me into his room. The worst thing is the bathroom is in the bedroom. We're almost out of energy before getting there. My vision blurs, but I have to carry myself there.

 

"Third, this is the TV; don't puke here."

 

He quickly covers my mouth with his big hand, but my patience has run out at this second, and so I let go of everything.

 

Vomit shoots through Khai's fingers out to the world in a flash. The shaking and blurry vision make it impossible for me to tell which furniture I've ruined. The only thing I know is the TV doesn't survive.

 

"Waaaah, oops!"

 

"Third, it's okay. It's okay." Hearing Khai's comforting words, I don't give a damn about anything and throw up again. I hear the ringing in my ears. The stench of vomit is so overpowering that I want to cry. I try to shake my body off my friend's embrace and wobble to the bathroom by myself. That's what I think I'll do, but, in reality, I'm flouncing, swinging my arms as if trying to find something to hold onto, and in that second, my hand finds something.

 

CRASH!!!

 

A table lamp.

 

"Wait, Third, don't move."

 

Shick!

 

"Ouch!" roar out loud. Fuck, I was too slow. My two feet have stepped right on shards of glass. My vision was starting to clear, but now it's blurring again. I don't know where my tears came from. All I know is it hurts so much I can barely steady myself.

 

What the fuck is it with today? Am I dreaming? If I am, then wake up right now.

 

Time won't let me have my head in the clouds that long. Khai puts his arm under my knees and carries me to the bathroom. He lets me sit on the edge of the bathtub, goes outside, and comes back with a first-aid kit in his hand.

 

"It's okay, it'll stop hurting soon." The person in front of me pushes a basin full of water to my wounded feet after fumbling for it for quite some time. "It'll hurt a little. A shard is stuck in your skin."

 

I stay quiet like before, watching the person on his knees in front of me treat my wounds in silence. The smell of blood makes me dizzy. Khai dips my feet in the water, cleaning them carefully.

 

"Does it hurt?" He asks.

 

"I kissed Bone, and I don't regret it," I say, tears falling down my face. If I could go back in time, I would still do the same thing to show everyone that I'm not anybody's toy. I still have the freedom to choose or do whatever I want. I don't have to care or wait for Khai because he's never cared about me, not even one bit.

 

"But I regret kissing her." You mean that junior? If you're gonna regret it, why did you do it in the first place? If I hadn't been there, I would've still given him a chance to prove himself like a fool. This is fucking unfair to me.

 

"I've decided that we should be just friends."

 

"..." I don't want to get hurt repeatedly by the same old thing anymore. We should at least move on once in our lives.

 

"You can't stop being a playboy."

 

"We've gone too far to be just friends."

 

"Why force yourself? Don't you feel frustrated that you have to try to love only me when you actually want your freedom and to live in your old way? Here it is, I'm giving you a chance."

 

"I don't want to live in my old way. I want to have you."

 

I look at the person kneeling on the floor and rub my eyes hard to see him more clearly.

 

"Khai.." I whisper his name.

 

"Please give me a chance." The hands cleaning my wounds are shaking. Khai looks down, not daring to look at my eyes. The water's turning red from the blood coming out of my wounds, but you know what? Despite that, I don't feel the pain from my wounds at all.

 

"No. I'm not okay." I cried so much that my tears have dried up, and I have no tears left to cry the next day.

 

I'm tired of giving my all to someone who doesn't appreciate it at all. Ever since I fell in love with a friend in my gang, I've tried to do everything in the hope that Khai would change his mind and look at me, but everything's crumbled down just because someone else came into our lives. How can I say I'm okay?

 

"I've hurt enough knowing that you've never cared about me, that I'm no one for you. It hurt that you acted like I wasn't important, even though you'd said you loved me. Why did you do that?" My head is full of whys, but I don't get any good answer except, 'Stop waiting,' coming from my feelings deep inside.

 

"Can you forget me? Can you forget everything that's happened, Third?"

 

"If I can't forget, then I'll just remember."

 

"..."

 

"Remember how hurt I felt. Remember how much you hurt me. If I remember all of this, I might be able to stop thinking of you someday."

 

"Third..."

 

"I used to be fine on my own. My life changed when I met you. If you've gone one day, my life will just turn back to the way it used to be. I won't lose anything, just going back to the way it used to be."

 

I don't promise that I'll be happier without Khai as my lover, but if I feel hurt with him beside me today, there's no use holding him back. I've just learned that when we've been through a lot, it's not easy to see love as a beautiful thing like before...

 

I suddenly become philosophical when I'm sad. I wipe my tears carelessly with a sleeve reeking of vomit. Khai concentrates on cleaning my feet as if to isolate himself from the world. He may be thinking and accepting what I just said.

 

"Khai, I thin..."

 

"Take off your shirt." He looks up and orders me in an even voice, his handsome face flushing red.

 

"What did you say?"

 

"I'm gonna wash you, then we'll treat the wounds outside."

 

"I can handle this. You can leave."

 

It's a waste of my saliva saying it because he doesn't listen to me at all. I am sad; I want to cut you out of my life, but this fucker acts nonchalant, trying to hold everything back even though he knows things will never be the same.

 

"Khai, leave me alone." My shirt is taken away first, followed by my pants. My current drunkenness has gone completely, but I still can't fight against his strength.

 

"Do you know what I can do for you right now?"

 

"..."

 

"I can do shitty things to you, but I won't because I'm afraid of losing you."

 

"Then why did you kiss her? Aren't you the one who brought this to yourself?!" Khai says nothing, not making any excuses. He tries to divert my attention by using all his strength to take off my clothes. It makes me know that what happened was intentional.

 

I was dragged from the edge of the bathtub to the showerhead. Cold water splashes on my body, making me shiver. He grabs the shampoo and shower cream and rubs them over my body, mixing them together. Red blood flows into the water on the floor. I look down and pause. It's not coming from my feet.

 

"Khai, your feet.."

 

"Yeah, it fucking hurts, so can you please stay still?"

 

"When?"

 

"When I ran in to carry you. Both feet," he says nonchalantly, but, judging from the blood still flowing into the water, I can tell it must be a deep cut. I've forgotten how I wanted to blast him or be mad at him. I stand still, letting him wash me and dress me up as if I'm a doll.

 

Before I know it, I'm lying on his bed, obediently sticking my feet for him to treat my wounds.

 

"Did you treat your wounds?"

 

"Are you worried about me?"

 

"I'm not."

 

"Did you know you puked on the TV? The screen is a mess." I even puked through his fingers. I couldn't really hold it in. I was sad and nauseous and dizzy. But now that I've taken a shower, I'm slowly getting a hold of myself.

 

"I'll clean it. I'll take care of the lamp as well."

 

"I'll do it, so get some rest. I just want everything to be the same tomorrow."

 

"Of course, it'll be. It's nice to be friends again."

 

"You don't understand."

 

There's something we can never avoid in life. It's called 'change.' Sometimes we change and find happiness, but sometimes we get hurt by the change, and we need to accept it. Sooner or later, we all have to change.

 

"I understand, Khai, but you sometimes don't understand me. I've been loving you for two years, but can you see that I'm still the only one feeling hurt?"

 

"How do you know I'm not feeling hurt? I'm not different from you." He's done treating my wounds. He grabs a towel and goes to the bathroom even though we haven't cleared things up. Having taken over by exhaustion, I can no longer think sensibly and just close my eyes.

 

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I only know that, deep inside, I will still care about him. What a pain in the ass.

 

I don't know how long I've slept, but the light in the room has been turned off. The mattress sinks as someone's crawling onto the bed. He touches my arm lightly, the chill from his hand making me turn over, but I still end up being pulled into his embrace. The embrace is slowly tightening until I can't breathe. I grunt in a muffled voice in response.

 

"Khai, hm." He presses his cold lips on my neck and buries his sharp teeth into my skin, making me moan unconsciously. I'm sleeping; what the hell are you doing?

 

"Where did Bone kiss you?"

 

".." I don't answer.

 

He starts kissing and biting all over my neck. My neck will probably be bruised from this. I try to jab the tall figure on top of me with my knees with all my strength, but he doesn't budge. He's holding me even more tightly; my bones almost break, then he moves up to bite my lips really hard.

 

"I saw him kiss you on the mouth," Khai says and pushes his tongue inside as if to suck out my soul. The little consciousness I have flies away as soon as he kisses me harshly. I squirm, feeling the flutter in my chest. It keeps on like that for several minutes. When he lets me catch my breath, I lash out at him immediately.

 

"So what if Bone kissed me? I should be the one asking you who you've kissed. You should ask me if I'm disgusted with you."

 

"You're not really disgusted with me."

 

"You're so full of yourself."

 

"I won't let you go even though you're disgusted with me, because I love you."

 

"How can you say that word so easily?"

 

"Because I love you."

 

Amid the darkness of the night, I can't even see the expression of the person holding me. I only notice his quavering voice. Every time I hear the words love you,' his embrace tightens up, slowly burying my face into his broad chest until we almost merge into each other.

 

"I'm not letting you go, Third. I'll hug you like this forever if I can."

 

"No matter how uncomfortable I feel?"

 

"Yeah."

 

We go quiet, testing each other's feelings. I decided to say something after a while.

 

"Do you want to do it?"

 

"Do what?"

 

"Have sex."

 

"..."

 

"I know you want to try it. I'll let you do it for free so you'll know whether you like it. I'll give you a chance to do it and decide whether you're gonna love me or leave me." Khai's love is driven by sex, and it'll always be like that now or in the future.

 

"No, I don't think of you as just someone to quench my sexual needs with."

 

"But you always do that."

 

"Not with you."

 

"Khai, what if I say I don't really love you? That I just want to win? Will you be mad at me?"

 

"No, because that's not what you actually think."

 

"You act as if you know me so well."

 

"You also know me inside out. We've gone damn far from being just friends." I chuckle when I hear that sentence. We can go back to being friends despite how far we've gone, don't you know that?

 

He's learned to be a taker, never once thinking of losing things. He's just a possessive kid.

 

"I don't know about other things, but the Third I know is the person who loves me."

 

"Um, you're right," I mumble. What I am, whether in the past or the present, is the person who still loves Khai. I might be able to get over him or find a new love in the future, but right now, I still have only him.

 

"And I also love you," he says it again with his deep voice. I shake my head.

 

"No, the Khai I know doesn't love me."

 

"Khai only loves himself."

 

A new day has begun, but I can still feel the weight of someone's heavy arms holding me. The dizziness hasn't gone away, but it's subsided. I open my eyes slowly and adjust them until I see the clean, white ceiling.

 

A tall figure's sleeping close beside me. His big hand sticks to my waist like glue. I try to move as quietly as possible so that I won't wake him up, but my effort is all in vain because Khai opens his eyes immediately after that.

 

"Woken up?" This is the first greeting of a new day. I roll my eyes and nod as an answer. Gotta act like nothing's changed, right? Even though nothing feels the same in my heart.

 

"Are you hungry? I'll warm congee from the fridge for you."

 

"No need to. I'll take a shower and go back to my room."

 

"You can rest here."

 

"Well, maybe not. I'll call Too and tell him to pick me up."

 

"I can give you a lift."

 

"Hell no, you get some more rest. Oh! Let me borrow your clothes; I'll return them to you later," I say quickly and end the topic by jumping out of bed and going straight to the bathroom.

 

The wounds on my feet still hurt a little, so it's hard to walk. But since I don't want to be with him any longer, I force myself to shower and wear the clothes I had on last night. What about my own clothes? It's full of vomit stains, a complete mess.

 

"Third, have congee before you leave."

 

A pleasant smell reaches my nose. I look at the small table, see a bowl of congee and a glass of water on it, and the one who did this smiles widely at me.

 

"No. Too must be almost here."

 

"Tell him to come here. You haven't had breakfast."

 

"I want to leave, Khai. Later, then." After saying that, I grab my phone, put on my shoes, and walk out of his room immediately. I feel a bit guilty about my actions, but this is for the best, and soon, time will heal both of us. 

 

When I get downstairs, Too's already waiting for me in his car. Before Khai can catch up with me, I get into his car quickly and tell Too to drive out of here fast. We've gone quiet for a while. The sound of a post-rock song fills the air, lightening up the atmosphere a little, but it still can't stop the curiosity of the person beside me.

 

"Did you patch things up with him? Judging from the way you look, things probably have gotten worse."

 

"How's Bone?" I change the subject because I don't want to answer his question.

 

"He's a mess, what do you think? That punk kept whining when I took him to the hospital."

 

"Tell him I'm sorry."

 

"Why did you kiss him? To get back at Khai?"

 

"..." Silence. My heart hurts every time I hear Khai's name.

 

"I made a call to ask about what happened at the pub last night."

 

"I don't wanna hear it."

 

"Chingching was the one attacking Khai. I don't want you two to fight over this small matter."

 

"Small matter? I saw them mash each other's lips with my own eyes."

 

"They said everything happened so fast. Chingching got on top of Khai and mashed his lips out of the blue. No intro, no warning. Who would have handled it? You were just unlucky to see when it happened."

 

"Then why didn't he use this reason as an excuse?"

 

"Would you believe him if he told you? Nobody wants to believe a scumbag like him."

 

"True, his actions are obvious," I remember that ever since that junior has become a part of the sound team, I started to notice Khai's strange behaviours. They texted each other, she appeared out of nowhere, and they were unnecessarily close. Many things stopped me from thinking positively.

 

"What are you gonna do now?" Too looks at me and turns his eyes back to the road.

 

"I'm gonna get over him. We should probably be just friends."

 

"What a shame. You two have gone so far from that point, but now you're going back."

 

"It's better than living in pain."

 

"Won't you give him a chance?"

 

"I gave it to him, and he ruined it, so it should be over now."

 

"I feel bad for Khai."

 

"Feel bad for me, dude."

 

"Haaaaaaah, why's loving someone so exhausting? It's better not to love anyone, like me."

 

"If I could choose, I wouldn't love anyone."

 

The car's speeding on a busy road. I think back to when I first met Khai and ask myself a question: Who the hell could stop themselves from falling in love with someone? But if we can fall in love, we should be able to tell ourselves to stop as well.

 

I don't want to meet Khai, but I still have to see him on Monday morning. After classes, we split to do our jobs at the production set. Chen is the first one to come and pat my shoulder, followed by Un. I guess they know about what happened last Friday night, judging from the dreary atmosphere hanging around every team, especially the sound team. I see Khai isolate himself, keeping a long distance from Chingching.

 

"How are you? Did you guys make up?" Classic questions come out of the bear-like director's mouth.

 

"Nothing's happened. Everything's still the same."

 

"Yeah? Did you regret saying that?"

 

"Do you remember our conversation? About your friends who stopped themselves to stay true to one person. Khai now belongs to the group of those who can't stop themselves."

 

"I can see that he's stopped. Didn't you misunderstand him about what happened that night?"

 

"If he hadn't brought it to himself, I would've believed that, but this is not the case." And the topic repeats itself

 

I keep thinking about that sight over and over again. How lucky of me that we haven't been together. If we'd gone far more than being friends and I'd found out later that he didn't really love me, how hurt would I have felt?

 

"You're thinking too much. Should I tell Chingching to come and talk to you?"

 

"Huh, no need to!"

 

"Love's supposed to have some obstacles."

 

"If it happens repeatedly like this, it's not an obstacle, it's fucked up shit."

 

"Whatever. I'm rooting for you anyway. Tell me if you need any help. You can ask Un to take revenge for you." The person being mentioned beams, cracking his knuckle to show he's ready.

 

Arrigh, if Un helped me solve the problem, Khai's body would be found floating in the pond beside the faculty. 

 

The seniors walk away. I sit down on the floor at the corner of the room and scroll through the news feed on my phone because I'm alone. I'm thinking about helping the artwork team make props, but before I can do that, I have to deal with the person walking to me from afar with a smile.

 

"Let me sit with you," he asks with his deep voice. He doesn't wait for the answer and plops his ass down right away.

 

"Don't you have anything to do? I heard the recording starts tomorrow."

 

"It's not my duty to record the soundtrack. Are you hungry? I have snacks."

 

"Did you apologise to Bone?" I quickly changed the subject.

 

"I did."

 

"Good. I'm gonna help the artwork team paint the backdrop. Do you want to come?" I hate myself for saying that without a thought. A happy smile spreads on his handsome face. He nods elatedly.

 

We walk out to the back of the faculty building, the den of the artwork team. They're engrossed in making tons of backdrops. Even though we hired professionals to make large backdrops, because of our limited budget, we have to make a lot of things ourselves.

 

"Oh, Third, Khai, what brings you here?" A friend responsible for this job greets us.

 

"We're free, so we came to help. How can I show you my skill?" I ask. He's glad and points to a large plywood backdrop.

 

Shimllit! You guys haven't started any-fucking-thing.

 

"Apply the paint base for us. The white paint is by the pole. The paintbrushes are there. Thanks a lot," he says and goes back to painting the studying building backdrop diligently. I look at Khai awkwardly, then he moves his long legs towards a big paint bucket and places it near me.

 

"Is the paintbrush this small?" I say resignedly. It'd take three days to finish this.

 

"I'll help you. I'm fast."

 

We squat on the sheet of plywood and start applying white paint to each corner. Khai keeps talking to me about many things, and now we're on the topic of the short movie we planned.

 

"I think we should speed up the time we're taking the train to the south. I checked the calendar. The beginning of the next month is a long holiday. We should have a bonding trip."

 

"Did you ask Too and Bone?"

 

"No, I asked you first. If you agree, we'll have a trip together."

 

"Aren't we going there to work?"

 

"We'll travel, and we'll work."

 

"I'm fine with everything if they're okay."

 

"Yes!" We talked a while ago about taking the train from Bangkok to Surat Thani on a school holiday. While we travel, we'll write the screenplay, exchanging ideas. Something good might come up then. If we take a trip sooner, our states of mind might be lightened up since we'll get to rest. It's been hard with all the faculty activities these days. Even though it's not the exam period, the stage play due date is coming near. 

 

When we finish all the tasks and get to isolate ourselves, it'll be great.

 

"Is there anybody else?" I ask Khai again.

 

"No, no, just us."

 

"Then we'll talk about this in LINE, or if we see Too and Bone, we'll ask for their opinions."

 

"No problem. It's good that you're okay with this."

 

"Um."

 

"Third.."

 

"What?"

 

"When you said I only loved myself, you were right." He flicks the paintbrush on the sheet of plywood skillfully.

 

He doesn't even look up to meet my eyes, but I know what kind of mood he's in. "I love myself. I am selfish. And I can't let you go because of my selfishness. I'm happy because you're here with me. I won't be able to live without you."

 

"You're not wrong to think like that. But if one day, you want me to be happy without you as a part of it, we'll talk later. Let's just be friends now." Don't go beyond this; just stop here.

 

"You'll wait for me, right?"

 

"Dunno."

 

"But I'll wait for you."

 

"Don't pressure me. If you find someone better than me one day, just go. I don't want to hold you back."

 

Maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, Khai will find someone who can fully accept him for who he is and love him more than I can. Because, ever since what happened that night, my feelings aren't the same...

 

Rmrr...!

The ringtone blasted from my phone for the third time. I look at the name shown on the screen and heave a sigh. If I ignore it again, I'll have to keep listening to the ringtone from this persistent guy, so I yield and pick up my phone.

 

"What's up?" I say, looking at the clock on the wall. It's past 10 p.m. now.

 

[Are you done packing? I'm so excited because our trip starts tomorrow.]

 

Khai replied in a cheerful voice. Right! 

 

Tomorrow is the start of the long holiday, and we planned to take a trip to do a simulation and try writing the plot before we film the short movie next semester. Too and Bone agreed with this, but there's something I haven't said...

 

I'm not going with them on this trip. I told Too, of course. He understood me and decided to travel with just the three without telling Khai. I failed in my duty, using my feelings over my responsibility, but it'd be quite terrible if Khai and I had to stay together for five days with this weird feeling between us.

 

"Um, almost done." I lie shamelessly.

 

If I tell the truth now, Khai will either cancel the trip or come drag me out of my room, which I don't want to happen.

 

[I've prepared several clothes, comfortable shorts for swimming, my camera. Do I have to bring the raincoat?]

 

"Up to you."

I feel guilty deep inside.

 

[I've charged the power bank. My iPod to listen to the songs, an acoustic guitar. My backpack is full of snacks in case you're hungry. I'm bringing a notebook in case you come up with some idea along the way. Do you need anything more, Third?]

 

"N..No." Why do I suddenly want to cry? Is it because I'm not taking this trip with you, 

 

Khai?

[Hey, do I have to bring my laptop?]

 

"Up to you."

 

[Hold up. Sunglasses, hats, a toothbrush, toothpaste, urgh.] He grumbles noisily. I hear a clattering sound like he's preparing his stuff in a hurry.

 

"Go to bed when you're done packing. The trip starts early tomorrow."

 

[I'm not going to bed. I can sleep on the train.]

 

I sometimes feel like I'm a fucking shitty friend. I insulted Khai, but I'm the one who loves only myself, cares only about myself. While he's happy and elated, just talk to him quietly on my bed.

 

"There are many hours left."

[Then say sweet dreams to me.]

 

"Um, sweet dreams."

[Sweet dreams.]

 

I hung up first, but I can't help staring at my phone. Tonight will be another night when I feel most frustrated and uncomfortable. We rarely have a long trip together, so I feel really guilty for breaking my promise; it's just… Fuck it. Just lie down and close your eyes, and everything will be fine.

 

Rrmr....!

At half past eight in the morning, the ringtone wakes me up instead of an alarm clock. The moment I see Khai's name, I pretend to ignore it until it's gone quiet.

 

My phone keeps ringing a few times. When I'm sure the other two have caught up with him, I turn off my phone so that no one can bother me. Someone knocks on the door in the afternoon. I open it and see my best friend, who lives on a different floor, smile at me.

 

"Too!"

 

"Yeah, it's me. Do you have something to eat? I'm fucking hungry." He walks inside, scratching his tummy. His unkempt hair is tied carelessly. He doesn't look like he's ready to travel, plus it's afternoon now.

 

"Wait, didn't you go to Surat?"

 

"Surat my ass. I just woke up. I know you're alone, so I came here to keep you company."

 

"Say, I called Bone last night. He got it, you know."

 

"Did you tell him I wasn't going?"

 

"No, but he probably knows you feel uncomfortable with this. Give me something to eat." 

 

Being rushed, I have to go to the kitchen and cook something for my dear friend who slept in, all the while worried about those two punks. I don't know if they're alive or dead.

 

"Did you turn on your phone?"

 

"No, I don't want to pick up Khai's call," Too answers, slurping his noodles. He ran away from problems just like I did. I'm scared those two will come back and make us pay for it.

 

"We're fucked."

 

"I'll turn on my phone and let them chew me out tomorrow. Their moods will be better by then because they will be arriving at the sea."

 

"I hope so."

 

"By the way, Chingching quit the team."

 

"How come?"

 

"She was bullied by the sound team. Well, everyone saw how she threw herself at Khai. If she stayed, she'd be gossiped about for a long time."

 

"Um." I nod, giving no comment. Many of my friends told me not to overthink it because Khai didn't play along with her. But you understand, right? That sight still sticks in my head.

 

"Forgive him. I've never seen him be this serious with anyone but you."

 

"Wanna try being treated like I was?"

 

"All right, I'll stop meddling. Give me more noodles. I'm so hungry I could eat your head." 

 

I shake my head tiredly but still obey my friend. Too has finally filled his stomach. He washes the dishes, goes back to his room to shower, and then knocks on the door again. We go outside to hang out and watch a movie until it's late.

 

We split when the hour hand points to number one. After closing the doors, we spend time in our own worlds. It's late. Those two friends must be sleeping somewhere.

 

Knock, knock.

Someone knocks on the door again at 3 a.m. I walk there, drowsy and angry. I'm mad at Too for causing trouble this late at night, but the person in front of me isn't my artistic friend. It's...

 

"Bone!"

 

"Yeah, it's me. Third, didn't you go with Khai?"

 

"No, but why are you here?" I don't know what kind of face I'm making, but the beating and tightness in my heart threatening to knock my breath out of me make me think of someone.

 

"I should be the one asking. I wanted you two to make up, so I didn't go."

 

"Fuuuuuck!" I curse out loud, rushing inside to grab my turn-off phone and car key.

 

"Wait, Third, where are you going?"

 

"The train station."

 

"Now? I think Khai might go back to his room already. Try calling him first."

 

"Yeah?" I suddenly realise it, so I turn on my phone uneasily in front of the door. There's not even a single missed call. I guess he went home, but I still called him just to be sure. There is no acknowledgement from your requested number...

 

"I can't reach him. I'll go to the train station anyway. You wake Too up and go to Khai's room. Call me if you find anything."

 

"Okay."

 

We split up. I rush to my car and press the accelerator, racing to my destination, praying that Khai won't be there. From 8 a.m. to 3 a.m., who'd be crazy enough to wait? No way...

 

As soon as I arrive, I run to where we planned to meet and see that...he's really still there.

 

"Khai."

 

He turns around immediately. He wears a blue Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and sandals, sitting on his big backpack in front of the platform with a guitar and other stuff around him.

 

"Whoa, you kept me waiting for quite some time. Where's your baggage?"

 

"..."

 

"I bought tickets for the three of you, but we're a bit late. It's okay, we can buy the new ones." 

 

He knows he got ditched but still speaks with a smile as always, though it's full of bitterness. My legs shake harder and harder as I step towards him, suddenly feeling so weak that I want to burst into tears.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

"It's all right. I thought you had other plans, so I didn't call you, afraid I'd bother you. Plus, my battery is dead now."

 

"Where's Too and Bone?"

 

"Not here yet." I stand face to face with this tall friend right now. His body is full of mosquito bites. It's obvious he's not feeling okay, but why is he still forcing a smile?

 

"We can start our trip tomorrow, or we can wait til everyone is ready."

 

"I think it's too late."

 

"Well, the trip is pretty sudden. It's okay, but next time, if you guys don't want me to go, give me a call."

 

"..."

 

"Because I sometimes get the wrong idea that I'm important."

 

At that moment, I threw my arms around Khai, holding him tightly, and burst out crying without shame...

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.