Theory of Love

The Love You Said to Me

Khunpol Krichpirom, Let's love each other a little bit - with Third Techaphon

 

"Huh! Khai, you will be mimicked.'

 

‘What's with you two? Is it a little bit? I think it's kinda a lot.'

 

'You piece of shit, don't crush my little extreme's ass.'

 

I'mma kick your mouth. 

 

#teamagainstkhaislowlifenature'

 

‘Is Third okay? I'm afraid he'll be crushed in Khai's hands.'

 

"Crushed your ass!" I cuss after going through the comments on my phone. These are only some of them.

 

The fan page isn't public, but my Comm Arts fellows still left tons of comments, and the notifications keep popping up.

 

After Khai's scandal on the page yesterday, the way everyone looks at me has changed. It used to be two teams, but it's worse now. One team is rooting for Khai, another is protecting me, and the other just wants to stick their noses in our business. Since when have my affairs become everyone's gossip?

 

Even when I walk into class the next morning, since I decided to leave Khai and Bone at the canteen today, Too and I have to encounter the prying eyes of our fellow Film Kids before them.

 

"Oh, love, please look at me. We sometimes find each other on broken days"

 

"Not that song, this one. You have no idea at all that in our intimacy, there's something more hidden inside ~.”

 

"They're already together. It has to be this song! Stop, stop my life, stop it with this person, no matter how good anyone else is!"

 

"Third, choose the song you like."

 

"Why do I have to choose? Ugh!" I cry out and walk with my head down the stairs to the last row of seats among my friends' teasing eyes.

 

I'm waiting for the teacher to come, but it seems like we came here very early. I can only sit here and watch Film Kids walk inside and greet their friends one after another. Not a single one of them will target me without mentioning Khai. What a bunch of dickheads!

 

Creak~

And the next prey has appeared before the vultures in the shape of Film Kids. Khai and Bone step into the battlefield, and soon the sound of our friends' voices slowly reverberates through the room. I couldn't stand their teasing, so I hurried to sit in my regular seat. But Khai is completely different from me. He stands in the middle of the room among the loud, encouraging applause.

 

"The real man of Film major! I don't know how to tease you anymore. Haha." That comes from a friend sitting in the front row, followed by the others.

 

"You said you wouldn't eat your friend. You're not a man of your word."

 

"Why would I eat my friend if he didn't look so yummy?"

 

"Haaaaaah. Nice, dude." You bunch of bastards. I ended up being attacked indirectly.

 

"Give us an interview. When will you guys date?"

 

"Ask Third." Yoongying, my old best friend, you're my enemy now. Please act reasonably, because Khai has passed the heavy buck to me right now.

 

"I don't know! Why do you guys want to know so much?"

 

"We're friends; we want to congratulate you."

 

"I don't want anyone to congratulate me."

 

"Then I'll ask Khai again. You guys have been together for a long time. You've had a tasty-looking person beside you all along; why were you so stupid and decided to eat him this late?" 

 

We're attacked by the new question. I don't even have a chance to defend myself from the previous question.

 

"The fruit wasn't ripe, so I couldn't eat it yet. It needed time."

 

"Wasn't it because you cosplayed as a buffalo that you realised it so late?"

 

"Don't say he's a buffalo. He's a deer."

 

"Why?"

 

"Its horns are longer than a buffalo's. Haha." 

 

Nice one! I like it. I'll give you ten, ten, ten points. Even Too and Bone are laughing, raising their hands in agreement, looking so annoying.

 

"Ah, my friends, you said I have long horns, but my other thing is also long."

 

"What is it? I want to know."

 

"Ask Third." Argh, fucker. It comes back to me again.

 

"Don't ask me! Khai, why won't you get seated? What a pain."

 

"Okay. My wife's calling; I have to obey, dudes. If you have any more questions, leave them in my inbox; I'll answer you there."

 

"All right, Khai. Woo, woo!"

 

These punks… This is how Film Kids normally are. The joy in life comes from other people's business. When one of us is in love, it'll catch all our attention, and he or she will get teased as always. Well, we're together as a family, friends, brothers. When someone is happy, we want to be part of that happiness. When someone feels down, we'll comfort each other and drive the worries away. But my friends sometimes forget that I'd prefer keeping some things to myself, or else it'll be just like today.

 

The teacher comes five minutes later. She's sharp enough to notice the students' giddiness, and so Khai and I become the topic and get teased again. I really want to hide my face between Too's crotch. I almost melt into the seat by the time the class is over while Khai smiles happily by himself.

 

We're going to a movie together tonight. In the evening, I had dinner at the mall and bought tickets for the last movie on the showtimes because I like the quiet atmosphere. I need concentration when I watch movies so that I can analyse them for educational purposes and for my future jobs.

 

Before we go inside the theatre, my best friend asks me a question that makes me frown.

 

"Do you want a drink and popcorn?"

 

"You know I don't like to eat while watching a movie. Buy it if you want to eat." He might be used to it when he went out with his girls. He always bought them snacks like this when they watched movies together. Now that I mention it, that sight is still clear in my mind. The theatre that day and my tears...

 

"Why think so much? I don't want to buy it. I asked you in case you're hungry." He rubs my hair with his big hand to change the subject, and we walk into the theatre right away.

 

"Our seats are in the E row. They say E13 is the seat for spirits."

 

"Are you stupid? It's an emergency seat, in case the AC drips water or a seat is broken." 

 

It'll take you a hundred years to fool me. I'm not scared of ghosts that much. I've watched lots of horror movies.

 

"What a bummer. You don't feel it."

 

"Practice more."

 

I plop down on my seat while Khai staggers to sit next to me. He's upgraded now, strutting around without the crutches. His wounds take a long time to heal because of his reckless behaviour.

 

"Why did you lift the armrest?" I ask in a sullen voice after he lifted the armrest between us.

 

"There's no drink to put here, so we should lift it up. It's cramped."

 

"Then go sit somewhere else. Three or four seats away from you are free." As I said, there aren't many people watching the last movie on the showtimes.

 

"No, I like sitting at the centre of the screen like this."

 

"Go sit at the front."

 

"Shuuuush, the movie has started. Be quiet." 

 

Nobody can be more sly than him. Good thing we're watching a war movie, so he won't bother me.

 

Ten minutes into the movie, his hand starts to crawl. I look at him in warning, but he acts dumb and tightens his grip on my hand. My fingers are all sweaty, you prick.

 

"I'm watching the movie."

 

"Then watch it. Who's covering your eyes?"

 

"I can't concentrate."

 

"Just admit that your heart's fluttering. I understand." I choose to stay silent, not even glancing at him. I'm scared that he will flirt with me "til I get nothing from this movie, except his stupid talk and a waste of the ticket.

 

"So cute. Why have I been stupid for such a long time?"

 

"How's a war movie cute?"

 

"I don't mean the movie. I mean you."

 

"Quiet."

 

"Not feeling it?"

 

"No."

 

"What is it about Nolan that's better than me?"

 

"Everything."

 

"But Nolan can't hold your hand as I can. "He chuckles. I accept that without making a fuss. Since it's tiresome to argue with him, I let him hold my hand until the movie is over. He finally releases my hand when the end credits scroll up, and we both focus on the big screen.

 

"It'll be great if our names are there." This time, his voice doesn't sound playful as usual.

 

"Once you graduate, you'll get to follow your dream."

 

"Your name must be there, too."

 

"Who knows? I might choose a different path."

 

"Even though movies are all of your life?" You know me damn well. Right! Ever since I stepped into the Faculty of Comm Arts and had to choose my major in my third year at the university, I've always thought I made the right choice to study Film. Khai seemed confused about his life, but he was finally clear about his goal.

 

"The world is full of uncertainty."

 

"One certain thing is you'll be with me."

 

"Bullshit."

 

"What?! You've been with me all the time since I broke my leg and couldn't walk properly."

 

"I have to, you prick. Your mom called me night and day, asking me to help you. I'd feel bad if I didn't help."

 

"You don't have to feel bad. Just think of them as your family." What a warm feeling. Khai and I have actually been friends for quite some time. The other two Extremes are also close to Khai's family. I can't see why I'm more special than the others.

 

"I know, I know. Shall we leave now? The end credits are gone."

 

"Well, leave when you agree to be my boyfriend."

 

"We'd have to sleep here 'til we get old, then. I’ll leave first," I say, get up to my full height, and walk to the theatre's exit without a word.

It's late, I'm scared...

 

"When will you give in and be in a relationship with me?" Khai's voice follows behind me.

 

"Time will tell."

 

This is the answer I can give him right now. I'm not playing hard to get, but I still don't see his sincerity towards me. Despite the fact that when he came to pick me up looking like a bloody ghost, Khai is just a playboy who said he'd stop fucking around, but his actions aren't convincing at all.

 

I said I'd give it a try, but that doesn't mean I'll be blind and jump off the cliff without caring whether there's water down there. I might find out that there's just solid ground below before I fall, so I'll either be seriously injured or just die there.

 

The day of the Comm Arts Stage Play's production has come. The hard work doesn't fall on me, the scriptwriter. It falls on the costume team, the photography team, and the sound team. Chen and Un told everyone concerned to force their eyes open early in the morning. It's Saturday, but we have to force ourselves up. As I said roughly, even though I don't have any jobs, I still have to tag along with the three Extremes.

 

Too is the number one photographer. His job is to shoot a poster for the stage play's promotion, while Khai and Bone have to prepare to audition a singer for the stage play's soundtrack this year. I think this will be another busy day.

 

We split up to do our own jobs. Since I'm not good at photography, I watch Too take photos and hand the visual effects and lighting teams a few pieces of minor equipment. The actors have to get ready for the shoot, with costumes, make-up, and hairstyles.

 

"What's the theme of the poster?" I ask my tall friend who's holding a heavy black camera.

 

"Chen wants it to be sweet and dreamy, not my fucking style at all."

 

"Come on, you're good at this. You just shoot and hand the photos to the graphics team."

 

"It's not hard to force myself to shoot something, but it'd be nice if Pink wore only bras." Fucker! You can be a pervert even when you're working.

 

"I'll tell Chen about this."

 

"Go ahead. Un even agrees with me." I almost slap my forehead in resignation. I don't want to think what his future wife will look like. I suddenly feel sorry for her.

 

"I know what you're thinking." He cuts in with his deep voice.

 

"What am I thinking?"

 

"You're thinking why I'm so handsome. I've been using a good facial cream lately. It won't work if you just put it on. You gotta use tits to apply it on your face instead of using your hands."

 

"Jackass." He's a douchebag of 2017.

 

"Thanks, buddy. Pink, stand in the middle, please. Fan, you fucker, hurry up here!" He changes the subject so fast. A double standard is buried deep in his nature. I step away, letting him focus on his work, then the tall figure of my friend turns to me and speaks with a stern face.

 

"There's nothing for you to do here. Go watch your boyfriend in the audition room."

 

"Who's my boyfriend?!" I bellow.

 

"Khai."

 

"He's not my boyfriend!"

 

"Whatever. They might need a hand there. My team is finé now. Go the hell away, you're a bother." Woah, that hurts. I can't do anything but stomp out of the studio and go straight to the audition room nearby.

 

As soon as I grab the doorknob and push forward, a girl's beautiful voice fills my ears. Fortunately, the door is behind a panel of judges, so no one notices me. I open the door slightly and listen there so that I won't interrupt them and ruin the mood.

 

"So open your eyes and see

The way our horizons meet

And all of the lights will lead

Into the night with me"

 

"Oooooooooh, so cute."

 

Every voice in the room says the same thing. I look at the girl who's sitting on a chair on a small stage. She's holding a guitar, playing it blissfully.

 

"And I know these scars will bleed

But both of our hearts believe

All of these stars will guide us home"

 

Her voice is so good, so good that my breath has been taken away. It's the best female version of "All of the Stars" by Ed Sheeran I've ever heard. I think this person will definitely be selected to sing the stage play's soundtrack. 

 

Even though I didn't listen to the previous auditioners from the beginning, judging by the reactions of the other auditioners and the selectors, it's obvious that this girl is the best candidate.

 

When the song ends, she's given loud applause. I see Khai sitting on a chair. He's one of the judges. I can't see his expression, but I guess he must be pretty satisfied.

 

"The next candidate, come get ready on the stage." The listeners' mood has turned to normal, then they focus on the next song, and so do I. I stand in place, not moving anywhere.

 

The auditioners perform one after another until everyone's done. It's break time before the announcement, and of course, the winner is the owner of the sweet voice singing All of The Stars, as I expected. 

 

Many people are walking out of the room after the audition. I change my target to Too, who's diligently shooting photos for the poster.

 

"Did your daddy finish the audition?" He asks as he snaps photos.

 

"Yeah, this winner has such an angelic voice and is also cute."

 

"Are her tits big? I'll ask her to be my model."

 

"Can you not be a pervert for five minutes?  She's not the sexy type, more cute like a doll."

 

"Not for me, then. Khai would like her. That fucker likes cute girls." I'm stunned for a while but say nothing, just watching Too taking photos like this. It's taken almost two hours by the time we're done, because the photos must be sent to the graphics team for editing right away. My feet have fucking melted to the ground.

 

Think about it. Even after I've finished helping everyone pack our stuff and clear the studio, I don't see Khai or the sound team come by to say hi, though the audition ended two hours ago.

 

"Let's split, everyone. Thank you, guys, so much." Chen, who has checked everything over for the last time, thanks everyone, and my fellow Comm Arts students, who have been tired for hours, start leaving. There are only Too and me left. We stand there, looking at each other quietly.

 

"What do we do?"

 

"You, Third, go get your friends. We'll eat together."

 

"You come with me."

 

"I need to pee. I've been in the shoot for hours and haven't peed once, or do you want to drop me off at the toilet first?"

 

"Nah, it's a waste of time."

 

"Then go get them. I'll wait at the parking lot, okay?"

 

"Okay." Too goes to the toilet on our right, and I go to the left towards the audition room. When I open the door slightly, I see the light is still on, and the ones inside are those wild animals. The strange thing is the selected girl is here as well.

 

All the members of the sound team in the room are men. I'm surprised to see the only girl stay in the same room with these lousy dicks without worries.

 

"Chingching, my friend likes you!" A third-year in that group shouts and laughs out loud. The girl gets bashful and gives them a shy smile.

Huh... so they're flirting with the girl. Where are the sound team's girls, anyway, I wonder?

 

"It's this guy, in case you're interested." My eyes widen, and my heart's suddenly racing, the moment a senior points his finger at Khai.

 

"Oh, it's Khai."

 

"You know him, wooooooo! My friend has a chance." Many of them keep cheering, and my best friend shows no sign of objection. It's a shame I can't see his face to see if he's smiling or reacting; otherwise, everything is ruined!

 

"My friend is a playboy, you know."

 

"I think I can handle a playboy."

 

"Wooooooooah, bam, bam, bam! Khai, what do you say?" I want to hear his honest answer. Khai once said he'd stay true to me only. I haven't forgotten it.

 

But there's no answer from Khai because Bone breaks in before he can say anything...

 

"Third, when did you come here?" Everyone turns their eyes to me. I fidget as I push the door open and stand there awkwardly.

 

"Er.... just came. The shoot is done."

 

"Really?"

 

"Too is waiting downstairs, but if you two aren't done, then stay."

 

"We're done! Let's go," Khai says this time. He staggers quickly to me with his one leg wrapped in the cast and waves our friends and seniors goodbye.

 

Bone follows and comes to my side immediately. He whispers, asking me if I heard anything. I say no to give him peace of mind. It's nothing, just a bunch of crude guys enjoying themselves, flirting with a girl. Khai and I have been teased for weeks; then why wouldn't this cute girl be teased as well? Even so, I can't help asking.

 

"What's the name of the auditioner again?" 

 

We're having a meal at a restaurant near the university. All the members of the Extreme Gang are here.

 

"Chingching, second-year."

 

"Chingching from Accounting? Ohhhhhh, she's da bomb." Even Too knows her.

 

"You said cute girls aren't your type," I say doubtfully.

 

"I don't like cute girls with small tits. But this one is fricking huge, dudes. By the way, she got selected because of her cute points, right?"

 

"No." Khai coughs and denies it immediately.

 

"You dick, most of the points were yours," Bone snipes at him. Oh...So this is what it means by 'liking' her..!

 

"She sings so well. You'll think the same if you hear it."

 

"I heard her singing, but I didn't go into the room. She's good as you said." I decided to tell the truth to end this topic and prevent problems.

 

"Really? Why didn't you come to listen inside?"

 

"I had to help Too with the shoot."

 

"Huh? But you..." I kick Too's foot nonstop before he can say anything that will give me away. The truth is I listened to all the auditioners. The lie is... I didn't stay long.

 

I don't care who Chingching is. All I care about is whether Khai's feelings have leaned towards her. A cute girl like her is your type, plus she's good at singing. She'll be famous once she sings for the stage play. Will everything be the same at that time?

 

I really can't erase who Khai used to be from my head. He loved easily and got bored easily, dumped someone and went after the other, and had those messed up

one-night stands. But I've thought over this. If Khai has a one-night stand with anyone while he's hitting on me, I'm ready to blow his chance to be my lover. It's not that bad to be just friends; it just hurts.

 

"Where are you going after this?"

 

"I'm going to bed. Waking up early is killing me," Too says drowsily as he eats, and Bone nods in agreement, leaving Khai and me looking at each other. In the end, Khai's the one losing his patience and speaking first.

 

"Are you going back to your room to sleep as well?"

 

"What if I say I'm going back? Can you take a cab to your room?"

 

"No, I'll take you to my room to stay over."

 

You prick! I fricking hate his words and that sly smile. Can I refuse, though? No. I have to be his slave, taking him back to his room. He makes me lie down stupidly on his bed for half a day. By the time I wake up, the sky has gone dark.

 

I hear him whistling in the kitchen. I think I'll go there to see what a mess he's making, but his phone at the top of the bed catches my eye. There's a notification shown on his lock screen.

 

From what I know, Khai uses LINE to contact only his gang and his close Comm Arts juniors and seniors. He deleted all his exes' contacts. I never think of sticking my nose in his business. I know about this because he told me he'd cut ties with everyone and end all the problems. But why does he have a LINE contact named 'ChingChing' today?

 

They might be talking about the soundtrack. I shake my head to stop myself from overthinking and walk to the tall figure who's singing and whistling like a nutjob.

 

"What are you doing?" I ask, looking at something in the pan.

 

"Making an omelette."

 

"You couldn't even fry an egg last time, but you still have the guts to cook?"

 

"To have dinner with you."

 

"Keep it up, then. Just throw it away if it's inedible." We have to throw it away at last. I end up doing everything for him. This young master wants an omelette and fried vegetables. The work falls on me again.

 

By the time I've done the cooking and set the table, it's 9 p.m. Khai disappears into his room and limps out, clearly in a good mood. We're eating and bickering as always, but the sound of his LINE notifications keeps dinging. I glance at it and see 'ChingChing' on the screen, so I ask him in a low voice.

 

"Who is it?"

 

"Nothing."

 

"Is it important? If it is, reply to that person first and eat later."

 

"Nah. Eat up." He pushes my head playfully with his big hand and keeps eating. You shit! 

 

Aren't you pretty damn good at diverting attention? If it'd been nothing, you would've told me you were talking to her, right? How long will you make me a fool?

 

I try to tell myself to have a neutral mind. Whether it's his personal stuff or whatever, if Khai doesn't want to tell me, it means he doesn't want me to know. It might be to keep me at ease or something. That's why Chingching, the new singer, isn't what I have to be worried about, but...When I come to the set, I'll always see her and Khai together.

 

"Chingching, this is Third, my best friend. Third, this is the singer who'll sing the stage play's soundtrack this year."

 

"Nice to meet you, Third."

 

"Nice to meet you. What are you guys doing?"

 

"I'm watching her practice. We'll record the soundtrack tomorrow."

 

"Oh..."

 

When we're eating with a large group of friends at the canteen.

 

"Chingching, you can sit here."

 

"Can I?"

 

"Of course, it's a public seat. What brings you here to eat at the Comm Arts Building?"

 

"The food at the Accounting Building is terrible."

 

"Then I wish it was terrible every day so you could come and eat with us."

 

Among the jolly atmosphere in this group of friends, I'm the only one feeling uneasy. Even though Khai isn't the one who asked her to sit here and doesn't talk to her, the way they look at each other makes me feel: I feel that Khai's heart hasn't changed. It's the same, the same as when he didn't know how to love anyone...

 

When Khai removed his cast and decided to post a photo on his Facebook. 

 

‘My friend's handsome now. We have to celebrate.

 

‘Yeah yeah, I'm glad.'

 

‘Oh, Khunpol's not lame anymore? Bummer.'

 

'Handsome.'

 

I scroll through tons of comments, but my eyes stop on someone's comment from 'Chingching.' There are many things I don't know, huh? And it's something I don't have the right to know. And today...

 

"The sound team's having a celebration?" 

 

Too asks the other two best friends who play big roles in the sound team. Merry Friday has come real fast, but we still can't spend time together.

 

"Yeah, you two watch a movie and drink quietly in your room," Khai answers the question. He steps forward and plops down on the sofa beside me.

 

"Stay away from me. You reek of cigarettes."

 

"It's Bone. I told him it stunk, but he still smoked."

 

"Argh, you piece of shit, you're really good at throwing shit."

 

"Little Extreme, Bone forced me to smoke." He tries to get away with this now that he can't argue, as if I don't know him inside out. There are a few occasions when Khai smokes a lot: when he's stressed out, when he's drinking, and when...he's horny.

 

Fucker, I hope you're just stressed out, please.

 

"When are you going?" I ask.

 

"We're meeting at eight."

 

"It's almost time to go. The Extreme Gang's Merry Friday comes around every week." I say it so that those punks won't feel guilty, but after they've left, Too and I exchange awkward glances.

 

We choose to hang out in my room. Ice, sparkling water, and food are in the cabinet above the counter. Everything had been prepared, but we found out later at four that those two already had plans. Had I known sooner, I wouldn't have felt this terrible.

 

"What do we do now?" My artistic friend's eyes say he wants to have fun outside like crazy.

 

"What do you want to do?"

 

"It's not fun just the two of us. Should we go to the bar?"

 

"Sounds great. It's kinda dull with just us two." 

 

We take action as soon as we said it. We shower, change, and go to the bar near the university. This bar is more like a pub, with the chill-out and dance zones systematically separated. When it's late and you're feeling it, you can go dance. But I'm more of a private type, so I'm drinking in the chill-out zone.

 

"I've been meaning to ask you this. It seems like you've had something in your mind for the past few months. You can tell me, you know." 

 

Too says after we've drunk for a while. Now that I think about it, out of the four Extremes, besides Khai, Too is the one who's always been with me through thick and thin.

 

Think about it. When I cried my eyes out because my love was so fucked up, he was by my side. That's why I choose not to hide my secrets from him.

 

"Do you know Chingching personally?"

 

"Chingching from Accounting? Nah, but I heard some rumours."

 

"What's she like?"

 

"Pretty great. Her tits are pretty great."

 

"Not funny." I'm stressed, but he's still messing with me with his stupid talk. I know she's a cute girl with big tits. That's why the guys in the production team swoon over her. Even Pink, the female lead, has fallen off the radar.

 

"Okay, I'm serious now. She's really pretty great."

 

"..." I tilt my head, wanting more explanation. This friend gets it and quickly enlightens me.

 

"She's great at catching guys, a love affair kind of stuff."

 

"Chingching?"

 

"Don't judge a book by its cover. She's not as demure and cute as you see on the outside."

 

"Is she that much?"

 

"Why did you ask about her? Don't tell me this is about Khai."

 

"Maybe."

 

"Don't think too much. Khai said he'd stop, and so that's it."

 

"I don't feel like that at all. You know it's not easy to stop being a playboy; otherwise you would've stopped."

 

"I haven't met someone I really like. You can't compare me to him." I chug down my beer. Too takes my empty glass and fills it with ice and booze til it's full again.

 

"He's hiding something from me." The voice I force out trembles a little. I don't know why, but I somehow feel a pang deep inside my heart. "Or should I not have given him my heart in the first place?"

 

“Wait, calm down, you're always overthinking."

 

"I saw it several times. He texted with Chingching and wouldn't tell me. I also saw them together every fucking time."

 

"They have to work together."

 

"You're taking his side. Are you aware of that?"

 

"Third, you bastard, I'm not taking anyone's side. You should open up to him if you have doubts." 

 

If he's sincere with me, he should tell me about that. I don't want to be that person who meddles in other people's personal lives. That's why I've been keeping my mouth shut all this time.

 

"Will he think I'm being unreasonable?" I say, chugging down my beer.

 

"What you're doing now is unreasonable. This is not like you at all." 

 

It's like my mom is lecturing me. Okay, if I get to see him tomorrow, I'll talk to him. I'm tired of guessing what's happening. There must be something good, at the least, like, a misunderstanding with him; there's nothing between Khai and Chingching, something like that...

 

"You'd better watch out for the girl. She comes on pretty strong with this kind of thing."

 

"If Khai doesn't play along, it won't work no matter how hard she flirts with him, unless he goes along with her himself."

 

"Come on, believe me, there's nothing terrible. Oh, hey, Ken!"

 

"What the heck?"

 

"Ken's with a girl on the floor. What a small world." The person Too mentioned is the senior in the sound team. If the senior's with a girl on the floor, that means the rest of the sound team are here as well.

 

The world is really small. We didn't know where Khai and Bone were going because we didn't ask them. And we ended up coming to the same pub.

 

"Should we say hi?" I ask for Too's opinion. He mulls over it for a moment and shakes his head. Okay, maybe we should keep drinking together, just us two.

 

Six bottles of beer are gone in a flash, and it's just ten-thirty at night. My dear friend waves at the waiter to order more beer. Too and I go on for another three bottles until my vision is blurry. I usually sip beer slowly, but I don't know what's gotten into me today. Did I lose my strength because I got drunk by the lights?

 

"Too, I'm going to the restroom," I say and get up from my seat right away.

 

"Can you walk?"

 

"I'm fine. I have enough strength."

 

"I mean, if you can get a hold of yourself, Third. Hurry up, I'm afraid you'll get taken by some girl." 

 

I don't know what language I should use to snipe at him, so I just give him the finger. I make my way through these nightlife lovers. The world tilts in front of me sometimes, but after I halt and balance myself for a second, I can walk straight without a problem.

 

"Third." There's a voice calling me, then a hand pulls my shoulder, stopping me in place. I look at the owner of the voice and see Ken, the senior, behind me.

 

"Oh, hey."

 

"Hanging out here? Who did you come with?"

 

"Too."

 

"What a coincidence. Your two friends are at my table. Come join us."

 

"It's okay. You came here to celebrate with the sound team."

 

"We're no strangers. There, my table is over there at the corner. Table one, one, three. I'm gonna dance now. I'll join you later." He points into the darkness. I can't see any-fucking-thing. I'm about to ask him again, but he's already disappeared into the crowd on the floor.

 

After mulling over it for a while, I've decided to fumble my way to that corner among the pub's flickering lights. Of course, I see my fellow Comm Arts students having fun and dancing at the table. But what makes me stunned is the sight of a girl sitting on Khai's lap. They're making out like crazy, not giving a damn about people around them.

 

I thought you'd change, but you came back to your true self at last. I almost fall down right at that second. My trust in him is shattered. I clench my teeth, watching the scene for a long moment to see who the girl is. Is it the same girl who sings the soundtrack? Is it Chingching, the one Khai said had a very good voice?

 

My two feet slowly step back. I can't think of anything because my mind has gone blank. All I can do is take myself out of here. Before I know it, I'm standing in front of the outdoor restroom.

 

Smokers are puffing at their cigarettes in a smoking area. A large group of girls is drunk dancing at the front. I'm trying to find my way out, and then I see the light flashing into my eyes. I forget myself and call out dreamily.

 

"Bone.."

 

"Hey, Third, how did you come here?" My friend asks in his deep voice.

 

I feel like crying, but no tears fall as I expected. I'm just standing there, watching the person in front of me get closer and ask many questions I can't make out; all I know is...

 

"Bone."

 

"You're drunk. I'll take you home."

 

"Kiss me."

 

"Third, you shit, what's wrong with you?"

 

"Kiss me, bite me, leave marks on my body, can you do that?" I ask, looking up at him. I don't know what the hell I'm thinking, but I think it doesn't matter who I kiss.

 

Seeing my friend doesn't seem to oblige, I use that chance to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him immediately. It hurts all over, you fuck. Love, trust, it's all broken down today, the day I saw everything with my own eyes.

 

I'm fucking stupid, stupid at the same old thing over and over again, never stopping myself. I ended up crying because I've realised the truth: There's no water below Khai's cliff. It's just the completely solid ground that hurts me so much I can't bear the pain.

 

I try to shove my tongue full of alcoholic smell into my best friend's mouth. Bone tries to push me off, but I'm more stubborn. I keep kissing him without shame. So what if there are many people here? I'll just let everyone know that I'm gay! I'll show them what a shameless person like me can do.

 

BAM!

In a split second, I lose my balance and take several steps back. The sound of a punch reaches my ears, but the person getting hit and falling down isn't me.

 

BAM! BAM! BAM!

 

"Bone, you bastard!" A harsh voice reverberates through the area. My blurry vision suddenly becomes clear when I see Khai punch Bone so hard his tall figure fell down to the ground.

 

I gather all my strength to split them. Khai glares at me, then he grabs my neck with his hand and pushes my body against the restroom's wall. His grip is so tight that I can't breathe, tears falling down my face. I can't speak. I can't say anything. All I can do is cry until I suffocate. I look at his face, not even blinking, with all this unexplainable feeling in my eyes. All I know is it really hurts; it hurts because I've been betrayed.

 

"Damn it!"

 

I cough violently when Khai loosens his grip, letting me free. A loud sound repeatedly blasts near my ear, and I see that Khai is punching the wall so hard, blood soaking his palm. The pungent smell of blood fills my nose, making me want to puke. Even so, I try my hardest to grab the fist banging crazily on the wall. I grasp his wrist tightly and force my voice out.

 

"Hit me. Hit me hard."

 

"Third, you..."

 

"I kissed Bone, so please hit me."

 

"And let's end things between us. I don't want to love you anymore. It hurts." I weep. "It hurts." It's like my suppressed feelings have crashed down, crashing down before the person I've loved for a long time.

 

In the end, it's all in vain. In the end, there's nothing left. I told myself to prepare my heart for the worst, but I still can't escape the pain. Khai hasn't changed at all. He doesn't love me as he said. He doesn't love me..not even a little bit.

 

"Third, I'm sorry."

 

"I'm...sorry." The wrist I'm holding is shaking. Khai apologises to me in a trembling voice. And now I see his flushed face is filled with tears. Why are you crying, Khai? Don't cry for me. There's no use doing that.

 

"I can kiss someone who's not you."

 

"I can have sex with someone who's not you. I want to be like you, not loving anyone, not feeling hurt because I'm losing you like now. Do you feel hurt because you're losing me? Do you feel hurt because I kissed someone else?"

 

"Third, I'm sorry." He pulls me into his embrace. It's such a tight hug, but I feel cold to the core.

 

“That day, you said you'd be my family and counsellor. You'd be by my side when I was sad or felt down. You'd help me follow my dream as you follow yours until they came true. You promised you'd stop everything for me. I've become like this, hurt like this because I love you."

 

"..."

 

"Don't you want to preserve my love at all?"

 

It's the only question I want to ask, even though I already got the answer when the person embracing me right now was happy with someone else...