TᕼEOᖇY Oᖴ ᒪOᐯEE

Love Actually.

We've been friends for a long time; to be exact, it's been two years, four months, and sixteen days. Such a long period of time is so long that a gay friend of mine has hooked up with his boyfriends and broken up with them several times, while I haven't even gotten close to the word "boyfriend' to Khai.

 

It makes me sad now that I think about it. I walk into my room with tears in my eyes and grab a bottle of water to splash it on myself so that my heart will be healed. Two bottles of water are gone, but the sadness still lingers, so I find myself a solution by picking up a telephone beside the bedhead and calling someone.

 

"Mister... the water isn't running. Come and fix it. I'm feeling sad. I need water to splash my heart so it'll be healed. Hurry up, Mister. I'll replay the song waiting for you." I cut off the phone call and plop myself onto the bed hopelessly...Damn it, my bed got soaked.

 

Khai is going after his new girl today. Am I hurt? Saying no would be too much of a lie. But a period of two years doesn't make me recoil from this one-sided love at all, not even one bit. I've also told myself a hundred times to give up, get over him, and move to the US as they do in movies, but in reality, I haven't even graduated yet.

 

I've tried to distance myself from him to see if he'd miss me, but then we met in a class at eight in the morning in a daze. If I change my faculty, then what fucking faculty will I apply to? I’ve tried to like someone else, but it didn't go well, as always. When I wanted to do some activities to distract myself, I always found they involved Khai: when I went to a movie, he'd join me; when I went out to eat, it'd be our go-to restaurant. Not to mention when I went out to drink. Khai would be at table eighteen while I'd be at, of course...Table eighteen. What's the actual fuck?!

 

So I just stay the same, letting the thorn prick my heart like this on and on. I'm sick of the word 'best friends' but can't do anything about it. It's such a meaningful word for men, especially for Khai. I'm telling you, he worships this word; nobody can change their status with him, whether it's friends to lovers or friends to enemies.

 

We both study Comm Arts. We're friends with everyone regardless of their sexual preference because we all have to work together. Not to mention junior and senior years, group work and projects will come flooding till you drown.

 

Ding!

My phone, which I threw onto the bed, makes a dinging sound. I turn abruptly and stare at it for a while, repeating to myself not to check it. What I can do is wait for the plumber to fix the water pipe and keep replaying the song to get myself in the mood.

 

Ding! Ding! Ding!

 

Sing. I need to sing. Don't give a shit about what's happening in there. 

 

"Keep your emotions hidden, 

keep that story away. 

Keep your strength to love with yourself.

It’s better than wasting it on crying..."

 

One minute has passed. The plumber still hasn't come.

 

"Keep your heart, keep the love you've given him. 

Keep your intentions and dreams you've made with him. 

Take it all back, not wasting your heart on them."

 

Five minutes have passed... I've listened to the same song twice...

 

"Force your heart a little. 

If you love him, 

but he doesn't love you back, 

then we must let go, 

we'd better let him go.

Everything will work out just fine.

And your heart will change.

And one day, he will be gone.

Even though you still feel it today, still missing him with every breath you take..."

 

It's been ten minutes now. I can't fucking take it anymoooooooore. I make up my mind one last time, grab the phone on the bed, and press the Home button. Let's get nosy to death.

 

Of course, the texts from ten minutes ago until now are still from my best friends because the group chat 'Big Bold Men' is relishing the topic about Khai, even though there are only four people in the group.

 

BoneChone: Whenever you become single, you add girls into your contact list like crazy. Khai, you shit.

Tatt'oo: We can say he was adding them looking so serious, fucker.

BoneChone: Attention, people. My friend is single, so accept his friend requests. Look at that bastard. Never refuses.

K.Khunpol: What? I didn't add them. They added me.

Tatt'oo: I bet you'll be in a relationship again. Third, you should stop, darling.

 

All I can reply is...

 

ThirdThatMeansNumberThree: The fuck does that have to do with me?

 

Whoever he loves doesn't concern me. I'm not his boyfriend, even though I've been hoping to be one. I even dreamed that one day he might confess his feelings for me in the group chat. I've been dreaming of that scene for two years, and Khai has changed his girlfriends more than ten times. There'll be only his bones left when he finally belongs to me.

 

K.Khunpol: It does. You're the one who's always with me when I have nobody.

ThirdThatMeansNumberThree: Don't try to act all nice, cocktace. There was a time you had nobody? I don't remember.

Tatt'oo: 555555555555555555555 (this means haha in Thia) 

 

The conversation was cut off by a row of number five. I didn't forget who he talked to today. That's why I need to step back to heal the wound in my heart, though it happens many times a year.

 

Rmr...!

A dinging sound just stops, but now I frown at the sound of my ringtone. And the caller can't be anyone else except my flirty best friend, whom I just criticised in my mind. It's weird; I've never been able to stop myself from answering his call. Did he use some kind of black magic? His voice, his words, and his laugh always hypnotise the listeners, not just girls; I'm one of them!

 

"What is it?" The moment I pick up my phone, I speak to him curtly. I can't go soft on him, or else he'll get conceited.

 

[Are you free? I'mma ask you to come out.]

 

"What the hell? Didn't you say you'd start your new love with Milk from Accounting?"

 

[That's right, but I found something strange.] 

He answered quickly in a deep voice.

 

"What's strange?"

 

[Not sure, but I'm meeting her soon, so do want you to drop by.]

 

"Why do you want me to be the third wheel? I'll hang up now. The water isn't running." 

 

I hang up, not giving him a chance to say anything more. I'm already hurt like fuck. What kind of person would love to watch their crush joyfully hit on someone else? Go look for it in Thai MVs, you delusional freak. True love is not possessive.' Not possessive, my ass!

 

If you love someone but don't want to be part of their lives, that's not love. It's just something people who don't love others enough say to make themselves look good, or who lie to themselves, like I often do. I pat his shoulder, telling him again and again that it's going to be okay every time he breaks up with his girlfriends, just to have to force a smile with tears falling inside when he introduces his new girlfriend the day after. This is an eternal circle of my life. Do I want to move on? This thought pops into my head several times, but my honesty doesn't get me anywhere.

 

If I'd been able to forget so easily like Khai, I would've been happy by now. I wouldn't've been alone for two years. I can only lie down gloomily, waiting for the plumber to come and fix the water pipe and continuing singing to the next song.

 

I've become everything you want me to be, even though we've never been anything more than friends!..."

 

I'll change to the new song now. Let's get hurt real good today, and tomorrow I'll become the same Third who can accept everything and keep on acting cool like my usual self.

 

Next morning, I wake up and go to class as always. Comm Arts students have a few places to dwell: one, the faculty canteen, and two, under the trees in front of an activity space, where wooden tables are dotted around. Everyone is dwelling spirits!

 

We have our regular table where we sit every morning. We also eat here, claiming it as our personal space. I already told you that there are four people in my group. We've been friends since our first year, and it took us almost a whole semester to hurl ourselves into the same group. I wasn't in this gang at first, but birds of the feather flock together, so when I hadn't made it in my old group, I ran to nestle in the new one: A group of these dudes.

 

People call us, The Extreme Gang!' It's not like our looks are extreme or anything. We're renowned for our certain, extreme behaviours. Our seniors or juniors whom we're not close to don't even say our names. They would refer to the four of us individually as 'Extreme,' and so we share the same name.

 

WHAT THE HECK?!

 

Looking at the bright side, being called 'Extreme' is much better than being called "Asshole.' When there are rumours about the Extreme, we have to brainstorm which one of us they're talking about. Our gang is a bunch of people frightened by society.

 

"You're late, 'suckass." The teasing voice belongs to 'Too,' the VIP member of the Extreme Gang, the owner of the hipster long hair pulled back in a bundle. Today, he's wearing a white short-sleeved shirt with a tie loosened around his neck. To be honest, the four of us barely know how to tie a tie after we became second-year students.

 

Too is a capable man, especially in photography; he's the top of our year. His notorious extreme behaviour isn't his skill but his taste in photography. He'd only take erotic photos, girls with giant boobs in particular. Nature, views, or trees are a total no-no for him. This douche only knows about the angles of faces and boobs. His personal behaviours are overeating and dressing shabbily, but girls are after him because he's a charming, shabby man, which is rare. In the student gallery, he always displays photos of pretty models. Most of them are his ex-girlfriends.

 

"Sorry, dude. The plumber took forever to fix the water pipe last night," I say as I sit down. The guy opposite me, devouring his food, looks up.

 

"Fix the water pipe or the legendary air con."

 

"Bone, you shithead."

 

"Hahahaha. I'm not small, Mr Third."

 

This foul-mouthed creature is 'Bone,' one of the first members of the Extreme Gang. He's actually closer to Khai than I am because they go everywhere together. If Khai tells him to go to hell with him, he definitely will. Bone is the only member with tan skin and a shaved head. His bad-boy look and love of joking around have made tons of girls fall for his trap.

 

His hobby is flirting. What's weird is that he's never made the first move. Not because he's waiting for his true love, but the girls never give him an opportunity to do it-they always approach him first.

 

"Khunpol hasn't come yet?"

 

"Dunno. Probably got up late because he was clingy with his girl."

 

"Clingy or horny?" Too chimes in.

 

"Supposedly as much as you are. Just let him be." I'm done with this. Don't want to waste my heart on it anymore...

 

"You're talking about me?"

 

Speak of the devil, for fuck's sake. The owner of that deep voice walks straight towards our table. The other two and I turn to look at him. Today, he's wearing a white long-sleeved shirt with the sleeves rolled up halfway and a pair of jeans costing more than ten thousand baht. He once told me they made his crotch look attractive. And these days, his destructive crotch is still attractive to the eyes of every gender.

 

I know everything about Khai, his first wet dream, his first girlfriend, his first heartbreak, and all sorts of personal things I pried into. He's tall and slender, his skin fair because he's part Chinese, but his hairstyle and fashion are a thousand miles away from Chinese looks. He's also an Extreme of our group, famous for being flirtatious, a real player. His strong points are that handsome face and the amount of money he has in his wallet. He seems perfect, doesn't he? Let me tell you that he's stupid, especially at things he shouldn't be.

 

"It's good you're here, Khai. Let your buddies interview yoooooou." Now that we're all here, the Q&A conversation about girls starts in an instant.

 

"The fuck's it about?"

 

"Did you nail her last night?" When Bone asks him like that, I feel a sharp knife stabbed through my heart.

 

"Nah."

 

"Damn, what a cunt."

 

"I caught her. She was two-timing me. You know I hate being a second choice." 

 

Yes! We know that. Khai is pretty confident with his charm. Nobody has ever rejected him when he's approached them. If he finds out that the girls he's dating categorise him as one of their choices...They won't have a second chance with him ever again.

 

"And what did you do?"

 

"I dumped her, of course. I was so fucking mad; she said that senior was nice. Hell yes, he must be nice... he's the campus prince." He curses in a stern voice. It's been a while since I last saw him like this.

 

"So what? There are lots of crappy campus princes." I comfort him with encouraging words, though deep down I feel relieved that he didn't continue his relationship with her.

 

"Unlike you, you're nothing but still crappy."

 

"Fuck off." I fucking hate Too. He snipes at me every time he's got a chance.

 

I'm the fourth member of the Extreme Gang. I wondered at first what was so extreme about me. When I asked my peer mentee and other friends, everyone told me the same thing: I'm extremely good at hurting others. Well, actually, ever since I started my life as a university student, a number of people have come into my life; all of them have wanted to develop our relationships into something more intimate, but I ended up cutting them off by rejecting them outright. That's why everyone always insults me, saying I'm a douche for hurting them. If I hadn't had feelings for Khai, I would've had hundreds of girlfriends already, you SOB!

 

I don't express myself much when I love or like someone. I won't say a word, no nothing at all. It may look like I'm stubborn, but if I've assessed the situation and found that another person doesn't have feelings for me, I won't risk telling them how I feel, just like my situation with Khai at this moment. Because if I tell him how I feel when he's still playing around like this and when I'm not sure if he'll be ready to accept me, I might lose him at last.

 

"Wanna skip classes today...?" Khai says briefly, and the three of us restlessly exchange a look.

 

"Good idea. Don't want to attend Sompong's class."

 

"Me, too."

 

"Let's do it."

 

The four of us are very close. We often, surprisingly, have the same thoughts. If one of us wants to skip classes, we'll all go together. Never once have any of us opposed the idea. Cheers to our bright futures.

 

And so, when the morning classes are over, we skip the rest of the classes and stroll around at the mall. We eat some food, hit on some girls, and, delightfully, exchange our Facebook and LINE IDs with theirs. When it starts to get dark, Too and Bone leave because they've got things to do. Now, it's just Khai and me staring at each other's faces.

 

"Third."

 

"What?"

 

"Let's go to the hair salon. I want to change my look." What the fuck has gotten into him? I think he must be driven by the loss of confidence that girl made him feel. And I can't do anything but nod and follow him into the hair salon.

 

His hair is pretty long right now because he grew it to compete with Too as a mission to conquer some goddamn shit I have no idea what it's about. But everything is going to change today now that he's putting his ass down on the salon chair for a makeover.

 

After hours of sitting and lying positions, the old Khai is eventually gone from this world the moment the new Khai gets up from the chair when the hairdresser washes and dries his hair.

 

"How is it?" He asks me with a wink.

 

"Looks a hundred times more villainous." I keep staring at him like that, like I'm about to swallow up his head. It could be that I'm not used to his new look, or the change is too sudden, but it's swaying my world like crazy. No more Khunpol trying to keep a messy look by growing his hair out. Now, he's just Khai, a guy with a villainous-looking face.

 

I don't know what he told the hairdresser, but the high undercut and the straight lines where his hair was shaved really bring out his bad boy look. Three black ear studs only add up to his charm, making everyone in the salon praise him continuously. He looks so fine, he's this, he's that. Yeah, yeah, I admit that!

 

"Let's watch a movie."

 

"Huh?" He asks me out of the blue.

 

"Let's watch a movie. I'm in a good mood now that I cut my hair." 

 

And tomorrow you'll flirt with another girl. I know it. But I am Third, Third who loves Khai one-sidedly, so I probably can't refuse.

 

"All right."

 

"What's on today?"

 

"Not sure, let's check the showtimes first."

 

We both finally ended up properly seated in the theatre. E9 and E10 are our regular seats on days when there are many empty seats, like today; this movie is the last one on the showtimes. We chose a British rom-com since we were bored with other genres. What we often do in the theatre is watch the movie... watch it quietly until the end credits roll. We'll read the production team's names and discuss whether the movie is good a day later. Khai jots down everything in his notebook after the movie ends while I record a movie review and post it on YouTube. Even though the channel 'Friendly Movie' has only a few viewers.

 

"Your popcorn." He hands me a box of popcorn with his big hand as the commercials play on the screen.

 

"Hold it. I don't want to." I tell him briefly before he asks anything.

 

"Cheese or sweet?"

 

"Cheese." And then a handful of cheese popcorn lands over my mouth. We always do this. He feeds me popcorn, I give him a drink, just like lovers do, but our reason isn't romantic at all. We can't finish all of them! It's a waste! Got it? That's all about it. Lately, we have to shove the popcorn down each other's throats so much that we choke, but we finish it all right.

 

"It's starting. Looks like Wong movies."

 

"Yeah."

 

And then everything goes silent. We're watching the movie quietly, even though there's no one other than us here. We occasionally talk, then turn back to focus on the movie.

 

The story follows a girl with a secret crush on her best friend but too afraid to say it. Holy shit, it's my fucking life! I'm totally drawn into the story, unlike Khai, who seems displeased with a character's logic. "I'm sick of the female lead."

 

"Why the hell is that?" I ask.

 

"So fucking stubborn."

 

"If she likes him, then just say it. What's the fucking point of keeping it to herself?" I turn to look at him immediately.

 

"You really think so?"

 

"Yes. Will the male lead know if she doesn't say it? Will there ever be a chance to succeed? She's freaking nuts."

 

"Maybe she doesn't want to lose him. They're friends, you know." This is getting more and more similar to my life. Did the director make this movie while sitting in the middle of my heart? I'm gonna sob now.

 

"She should just risk it. It's better than doing nothing."

 

"Yeah?" Khai told me he won't date friends from the same faculty, but I still want to give it a go, though I'm not sure if he'll reciprocate.

 

All right, if you say so, if you're telling me that I should try, I will confess my feelings to you. 

 

I'm racking my brain trying to find a way to confess my feelings sincerely without making him mad. I'm trying to find a way to get rid of all these CD movies stacked up in my room. I've been watching them for three days already, eyes cloudy, until I found a movie called Love Actually, so I brushed the dust off it and started watching.

 

The movie is about a man who falls in love with his best friend's lover, so his love is unrequited. It looks like a sad movie, but it's actually a beautiful kind of sadness. I pick up all the memories I shared with Khai: an album of our printed photographs, every movie ticket collected in a thick art notebook, with my feelings after each movie written down, and files of footage on my laptop from when we made an amateurish short movie together in our first year. Everything about him, I kept it all.

 

Knock, knock, knock.

I jump at the knocks on the door and shout back hurriedly, my voice a bit panicky.

 

"Who is thaaaaaaaat?"

 

"Me," The person on the other side of the door answers curtly.

 

"Too?"

 

"Yeah. Open the door." Now that my dear friend has come to my room, use my feet to push my memories with Khai underneath a sofa and put the photo album under a thin blanket. When everything looks perfect, I walk to the door and open it respectfully.

 

"Took you long enough, shitface." He makes an irritated face as he walks inside and sits down on the floor, leaning his back against the sofa and watching the movie, not even blinking.

 

"Why did you come here this late?"

 

"Your room is above my head. Why can't I come here?"

 

"You scum." You can come here anytime, sir, but not now!

 

Three members of the Extreme Gang rent rooms in the same condo but on different floors, except Khai, whose mother bought him a private, faraway condo. When these two scumbags have free time, they would always come to my room with knocks on the door. Their intentions are various: to talk about girls, copy my homework, work on projects, watch movies, eat my food, and use my toilet. But I don't know Too's intention for coming today.

 

"What do you want? Don't beat around the bush."

 

"Let me use your computer. Mine's broken just now."

 

"Fuck." He's been complaining about how glitchy it was for days but still wouldn't fix it. His stubbornness finally brought him trouble.

 

Comm Arts students can't live without computers because we need them for most of our projects. Too has one computer and one beloved laptop, but his beloved laptop is now saying hello to a repair technician at Studio. That's why he moved his ass into my room: he has nothing left.

 

"Hurry up. The girls want the photos. I need to touch them up."

 

"Never seen you put this much effort into studying."

 

"You only get grades from studying, but you get hearts from love. Which one's worth our effort?" I wanna puke. I've never seen him being serious with anyone. Each girl comes and goes.

 

"Use my laptop."

 

"Um." Too holds out his hand intently. But when I pick up my laptop, I just realise that I was watching the footage of Khai's story. Holy shit!

 

"The fuck were you doing, Third? Watching old videos?"

 

"Yeah." I close the screen quickly before handing it to him. Too takes it, not suspicious of anything. He just leans his back against the sofa in the same position and watches the movie.

 

"Why don't you hurry and touch up the photos for the girls?"

 

"I'm thinking. Why do you like watching romantic movies, though? Do you have a crush on someone?" That startles me. I quickly deny it in a panic.

 

"No, no, no. I don't have a crush on anyone. Sometimes I just feel like watching this kind of movie. No way...I've never had like, a secret crush or that sort of thing."

 

"Ah, I got it. Why the hell are you flustered?" He puts his arms on the sofa comfortably, eyes still locked on the TV screen.

 

"What did you put here?" Right then, his big hand grabs the thin blanket, throws it on the floor, and snatches the photo album, looking at it suspiciously. Arrigh! Too, you fuckaaaaaaaaaaaa!

 

"Too, don't!" Too late. He's already flipping through each page. He also darts his eyes around before a grin spreads across his face. He pulls the art notebook out from under the sofa.

 

"What's with you, Third?"

 

“…”

 

I don't answer anything, just standing there, back sweating.

 

"Do you..have a crush on Khai?"

 

"Who says that? I don't."

 

"Then who the fuck wrote this? It's definitely your handwriting."

 

I drop to my knees, looking at Too pleadingly.

 

"Please don't tell him."

 

"You know his rule is to never go out with friends, but you still..."

 

"I know. That's why I've kept it a secret all this time. Now that you know the truth, then help me keep it, please." I feel like crying. There were times I wished I had enough courage to tell him how I feel, but there were also times that I wouldn't even dare to open up my mouth.

 

"How long has it been?" Too makes a serious face, no sign of his usual mischievousness. He's probably pretty shocked. Well, he just found out an inappropriate truth in his group of friends.

 

"Not so long."

 

"I'm asking you how long it has been, dumbass. Answer my question."

 

"Over two years."

 

"HUH?!"

 

"Ever since I met him."

 

"And you've kept it to yourself for that long? If I hadn't seen these myself, I definitely wouldn't've known. You're fucking great at keeping a secret. Tough like fuck."

 

"Is that praise or an insult?"

 

"Third, I'm serious. You know Khai likes girls, don't you?"

 

"Um..." I nod, showing him I understand. It's one of the reasons why Khai and I will never end up together. It fucking hurts when I think about it.

 

"Do you think you can keep it from him forever?"

 

"We're about to graduate, and I've already kept it for two years."

 

"You know our social circle is small. None of the four of us has decided to continue to study after graduation. The Extreme Gang's vow is to be friends till we die, not just when we're in university."

 

"..." 

I feel so down. It's like my father is here lecturing me in this room.

 

"All right. I'll help."

 

"HUH?!"

 

"Loving someone but not being able to tell them is torture. That's why I always tell a girl I choose how I feel."

 

"But you confess your feelings to every single one of your models, asshole."

 

"Come on. Trust the Extreme me and the Extreme you, and you will succeed."

 

"Why do you help me?"

 

"Because you're my friend."

 

"What about Khai?"

 

"Khai is also my friend. He's never truly loved anyone. I want to know if he finally really loves someone; can that person be you?"

 

"How will you help me, though? Right now, I can't even show him how I feel."

 

"Just tell him. Man up, dude." Too pats my shoulder to encourage me.

 

"How?"

 

"Like this..."

 

We both turn to look at the TV screen. Love Actually is still playing. That method could be a love confession where you don't have to say anything, yet you can still convey your feelings.

 

Knock, knock, knock.

I breathe the air into my lungs as I stand in front of Khai's room. Too decided to give him a phone call fifteen minutes ago, so we know Khai is still in his room. Every second is heated up with excitement. It's usually not this scary when I knock on his door and wait for him to open it. Until today, the day I decided to tell him how I feel. I'm even doing this solo because Too left me on my own. All right, it's time to do or die.

 

Click!

"Oh! Third, what brings you here?" His handsome face shows curiosity. But I say nothing, just smiling, hands holding several white boards. I slowly flip each one over with my shaking hand. Too wrote the letters for me last night, sacrificing his popularity to help me rather than retouching photos for the girls.

 

The first board says...Hi.

I put that board down on the floor, revealing the second, third, and more messages!

 

‘Today is just a normal day, but I have something not very normal to tell you.'

'You are special.'

'But not this kind of special."

 

The next board displays pictures of many superheroes-Batman, Superman, even Captain America. 

 

‘Because you are more special."

'So today, I want to tell you something very special to me.'

 

The last three boards I'm holding contain what I feel for Khai. 

 

'Like'

You'

 

After I flipped all the boards, I could only stand there and smile at him. It looks like the taller guy in front of me is a bit shocked, and then he mutters.

 

"Third, you.."

 

"Now you know how I feel. L"

 

"This is fucking sick, man! Let me borrow this idea to hit on girls, okay? I've been thinking of some dope way to flirt."

 

"Ah.."

 

"Did you know from Bone that I was looking for a flirting idea? Thanks, Third, my buddy. You make me think of Love Actually."

 

And you make me think of a catastrophe.

 

"Love you, man."

I fucking hate you.

But I can only say...

 

"You're welcome." And I'm pulled into his loving hug.

 

Arrigh! You dumbfuck! I want to go to the restroom and shove my head down the toilet and just die. Khai, you piece of shit. How can I love someone like you?!!!

 

So exhausted...