The Missing Piece: 貌合神离
Chapter 7
Quite some time passed before Shen Mo awoke from his dreams. The moment he opened his eyes, he scrambled to find the man, only to discover he was already lying in his own bed.
The living room was quiet. The light had been turned off long ago. In the dim moonlight, Shen Mo could see the man’s silhouette atop the sofa. The man breathed steadily and seemed to be asleep.
Shen Mo still felt somewhat stunned as he raised his hand to touch his temple. He could still feel a faint warmth there, leaving him unsure whether the kiss had been real or merely a dream.
If it had been real, why had Zhou Yang kissed him in secret? If no more than a dream… It was only natural. For so long, Shen Mo had only been able to look at the man, unable to do anything more. Of course Shen Mo would dream about such a thing.
Recalling the strange excuses the man had made to avoid sleeping with him, Shen Mo let out a helpless sigh. He wrapped himself in his blanket and fell asleep again.
The temperature dropped as the end of the year approached. Apart from Shen Mo, who had nothing to do, everyone was busy.
The man was especially preoccupied with work; he had been sleeping out for several nights. But he was still quite concerned about Shen Mo’s right hand, so he made time to go to rehabilitation with Shen Mo no matter what.
The man told Shen Mo ahead of time that he’d be spending New Year’s with his family, so he could only spend Christmas together with Shen Mo.
Shen Mo was fine with that. He didn’t really care for these so-called holidays, so it didn’t matter to him whether or not he celebrated them. Now that the man had mentioned it, though, he began to consider it.
After all, Shen Mo had only injured his right hand, not anywhere else. He’d already knocked open the man’s outer shell. Was it time to taste the inside as well, wasn’t it?
So on Christmas Eve, Shen Mo deliberately cooked a few of his best dishes and got a bottle of wine. He remembered that Zhou Yang’s alcohol tolerance was... Fine, he couldn’t quite remember. But Zhou Yang wasn’t a heavyweight, was he?
Of course, the man also got off work early. When he came back and saw the table full of dishes, he revealed no emotion on the surface. At an unhurried pace, he sat down and began to dine, as though he intended to finish every single dish.
Shen Mo took the initiative to pour the man some wine and asked, “When are you leaving?”
The man had said he’d go abroad to spend time with his family.
“A few days later. After I finish the work at hand.” The man’s chopsticks never stopped moving as he glanced at Shen Mo and said, “You’ll be home alone...”
“It’s okay,” Shen Mo replied after some thought. “I also want to pay a visit home.”
The man nodded. “Yes. You should.”
The man then added, “I’ll have my assistant book the tickets for you.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s in a neighbouring city.”
As he spoke, Shen Mo poured some more wine for the man. He was planning to get the man drunk, but the events didn’t unfold as he wished. Even after the entire bottle of red wine was emptied, the man didn’t blush in the slightest, whereas Shen Mo had already begun to feel tipsy.
Moreover, the mealtime atmosphere was rather unromantic this time—the man was too determined to finish all the dishes Shen Mo had cooked, spending the whole time eating them. Shen Mo regretted not having prepared some digestive medication.
After dinner, the man voluntarily went to the kitchen to wash the dishes. As the effects of the alcohol took hold, Shen Mo walked dizzily into the kitchen. Leaning against the door, he gazed at the man. The man had rolled up his shirt sleeves. While he washed the dishes, water sloshed loudly in the sink and splashed onto his arms.
He had a tall, broad figure, and the outline of his waist was especially beautiful. Unconsciously, Shen Mo walked inside. Under the influence of alcohol, he wrapped his arms around the man’s waist from behind.
The man paused for a second before turning his head around. He said, “Don’t mess around.”
Shen Mo only hugged the man, pressing his face against the man’s back as he whispered, “I miss you.”
The man seemed as though his movements had been paused. Shen Mo circled to the side and lifted his chin to kiss the man.
Somewhat deliriously, he murmured, “Zhou Yang...”
The man froze, then suddenly turned his head away. And so Shen Mo’s kiss didn’t land on the man’s lips but on his neck. His lips touched the man’s quivering Adam’s apple. The man drew back but couldn’t retreat any further. His breaths were scattered.
Shen Mo planted a kiss on the man’s throat. The man let out a hoarse, restrained voice.
“Shen Mo!”
Shen Mo felt his heart throb madly. Little by little, he kissed upward, from the neck to the chin, and finally to the man’s lips. His lips tasted much more delicious than Shen Mo had imagined.
Shen Mo didn’t go further, although a smugness hung at the corners of his eyes. He drew back a little and said, “Zhou...”
The man’s eyes darkened. Before Shen Mo could pronounce the second syllable, he grabbed Shen Mo’s arm and pushed Shen Mo onto the kitchen counter behind them. Bending over, he kissed Shen Mo aggressively.
The kiss took away Shen Mo’s breath. With his back against the cold counter, he wrapped his arms around the man’s shoulders, feeling the heat of the body beneath the thin shirt. Their lips and teeth meshed as Shen Mo’s body burned.
Let alone the man’s name, Shen Mo couldn’t even remember his own name right now.
Only when all of the air within Shen Mo’s lungs was used up did Shen Mo attempt to pull back a little. The man immediately caught up to him. But this time, the man slowed down, kissing Shen Mo’s lips gently.
Not only did the heat inside Shen Mo refuse to fade, it even intensified. Shen Mo lifted the tip of his foot and hooked it around the man’s foot, calling, “Zhou Yang...”
The man’s breathing hitched. He said, “I’m not Zhou Yang.”
He hadn’t said this in a long time. Surprised, Shen Mo examined the man’s face. Those handsome features certainly belonged to the person he’d always lived with. How could he mistake such an important person for anyone else?
With relief, Shen Mo threw himself toward the man again. But the man caught him by the shoulders and stopped him. Shen Mo gazed at the man eagerly.
The man smiled and said, “You haven’t recovered yet.”
“But I’m not sick.”
The man stopped for a moment. His eyes landed on Shen Mo’s face. Unable to hold himself back, he raised his hand and touched the corner of Shen Mo’s eye. His thumb slowly skimmed across Shen Mo’s eyelid.
Shen Mo almost thought the man was going to kiss him again. He couldn’t help but close his eyes, only to hear the man sigh. “Let’s wait until you recover.”
With these words, the man let go and went back to washing the dishes. It was as if he found the bowls more attractive than Shen Mo.
Shen Mo had only messed around with the man due to the alcohol, but now he didn’t dare go any further. The man wasn’t interested. He couldn’t force himself upon him, could he?
He watched the man wash the dishes, massage his right hand as usual, and then also... sleep on the sofa as usual.
At night, Shen Mo felt rather warm and had many strange dreams. He seemed to dream of the man entering the bedroom, but when he opened his eyes, he saw no one. When he woke up the next morning, the man had already gone to work.
The man only made time to enjoy a few meals with Shen Mo before he flew abroad in a hurry. But after all, he still worried about Shen Mo. He had his assistant come over to check on Shen Mo several times and booked train tickets for Shen Mo.
Shen Mo thanked the man’s assistant, but he locked the ticket inside a drawer right after the latter left. He didn’t go home. He stayed in the rental until the end of the year.
On New Year’s Eve, he got up early and cleaned the place thoroughly. Only when he finished in the afternoon did he make a phone call.
The phone only rang twice before it was answered. A familiar voice came from the other end. Shen Mo couldn’t help but call out, “Dad….”
The other end was quiet for a few seconds. Then, the phone call was hung up with a clack.
Blankly holding his phone, Shen Mo listened to the beeps of the busy signal. A while later, he called again, but no one answered this time. A redness emerged in Shen Mo’s eyes. He hung up in silence.
Right after he’d started dating Zhou Yang, he came out to his family. At that time, the situation escalated to such a serious degree that he got beaten up quite badly. Afterwards, he was kicked out by his parents. He hadn’t been able to go back home since then. But he wasn’t alone. At least he still had Zhou Yang by his side, didn’t he?
Shen Mo tried to regain his composure. He picked up the piece of cloth and wiped the spotless floor once more.
Soon came the night. Shen Mo didn’t want to cook too many dishes, so he made some noodles and watched television while eating. Later, he waited for midnight on the sofa.
A while before midnight, firecrackers burst one after another. Shen Mo’s phone rang as well. He rushed to get the phone—he didn’t recognise the number, but the voice he heard was reassuring.
“Are you asleep?”
“Not yet. I’m waiting for the new year. You?”
“I’m still having dinner.”
“Oh.” Shen Mo recalled that they were in different time zones. He asked, “Is it fun spending New Year’s abroad?”
The man replied in the same indifferent tone, “Not really.”
The two casually chatted about a few things. The man suddenly asked, “Shen Mo, where are you now?”
Shen Mo replied without thinking, “I’m home.”
The man asked again, “Alone?”
Shen Mo’s eyelid twitched. Seeing the empty house and the half-finished noodles on the table, he tried to sound cheerful. “I’m in my hometown. Mum and Dad are both here.”
Shen Mo wasn’t a good liar. He was afraid he’d expose himself. Just then, the firecrackers began to grow louder, so he said in a hurry, “My parents just called me to go set off some firecrackers with them. I’ll hang up for now.”
The man didn’t reply. He only called in a peculiar tone, “Shen Mo.”
Shen Mo thought the man was about to say something, so he held his breath waiting. A long time passed; the man’s voice came through right as the clock struck twelve.
However, he only said, “Happy New Year.”
Shen Mo returned, “Happy New Year.”
He felt sadness, but also an indescribable sweetness.
Shen Mo hung up and went to sleep. He slept on the sofa, where the man usually slept. The man appeared in his dreams again and again. He had stayed up late, so the next day he also woke up late. It was a knock at the door that awakened him.
Startled, Shen Mo had no idea who would knock on his door at such a time. He got up and went to the door. And the door opened.
Feeling as if he was still dreaming, Shen Mo saw the man he’d been longing for standing right outside the door. In astonishment, Shen Mo stood still and said nothing.
The man didn’t say a word either. He looked Shen Mo up and down almost as though he was seeing Shen Mo for the first time. In the end, his gaze returned to Shen Mo’s face, and he asked, “Did you spend New Year’s alone?”
Shen Mo had really dug his own grave this time. He’d lied once and now had to patch things up with even more lies.
Shen Mo knew there was no way to explain this. He could only say, “Yeah, my parents... decided to go on a trip last minute, so I came back early.”
Whether the man believed his lame lie or simply had no interest in pointing it out, Shen Mo saw the man nod. The man then walked inside, glancing at the bowl of noodles that hadn’t yet been put away, and asked, “Was this all you had for dinner last night?”
Shen Mo regretted being lazy last night. If only he’d cooked a few more dishes, he wouldn’t seem so pitiful now. He uttered a vague reply as he hastened to clear the table. The man sat down on the sofa and watched him quietly. Wherever he went, the pair of eyes followed him.
Shen Mo felt that the man was quite different from usual.
Right after Shen Mo finished putting away the bowl and chopsticks, he heard the man call, “Shen Mo, come here.”
Shen Mo had always obeyed the man. He walked over meekly. Just as he was about to reach the sofa, the man suddenly extended his leg, tripping him. Caught off guard, Shen Mo stumbled a few steps forward, and the man took him into a tight embrace.
It was then that Shen Mo realised the man had done it on purpose. He stayed in the man’s arms, somewhat afraid to move now.
The man caressed Shen Mo’s back. As he had done during the phone call last night, he called in a very restrained tone, “Shen Mo.”
“Yes,” Shen Mo responded.
The man lowered his head and kissed Shen Mo’s eye—his movements were extremely careful. His warm, soft lips brushed past Shen Mo’s eyelashes.
The kiss almost seemed to fall on the tip of Shen Mo’s heart. Shen Mo trembled slightly. But the man suddenly stopped. Panting, he rested his chin on Shen Mo’s shoulder. He held Shen Mo even tighter.
Worried that the man would find yet another excuse along the lines of how Shen Mo hadn’t recovered, Shen Mo strove to ask first, “Didn’t you say you’d be staying overseas for a few more days? Why did you come back so early?”
“Something urgent came up. I changed my schedule at the last moment.”
“What was it?”
The man finally couldn’t bear it any longer. He kissed Shen Mo’s eye again and said, “Don’t ask if you already know.”
A sweetness rose from the bottom of Shen Mo’s heart. “How did you know that I didn’t go home and stayed here alone for New Year’s instead? Oh, you had your assistant book the ticket for me. Was he the one who told you?”
“I didn’t know until I called you last night. I found out a little too late.”
“It wasn’t late at all.” Shen Mo knew that the man must have flown back as soon as he could. “How could you book the plane ticket in such a short time?”
The man smiled and said, “Money can solve many problems.”
Seeing the man’s expression, Shen Mo felt as though the man was hinting at something else. He couldn’t help but ask,
“Is there anything money can’t solve?”
“Yes.” The man gazed into Shen Mo’s eyes, his voice almost inaudible. “Like... make someone fall in love with me.”
Shen Mo parted his lips to nip at the man’s chin. “I love you—isn’t that enough? Does anyone else need to fall in love with you?”
The man held Shen Mo’s waist and said in a low, husky voice, “Say that again.”
Shen Mo knew what the man wanted to hear. He repeated beside the man’s ear, “I love you, I love you, I love you...”
Just as Shen Mo was about to utter the man’s name, the man turned around and sealed Shen Mo’s lips with a kiss.
“Shh,” he gazed at Shen Mo with eyes glinting like water, whispering, “be quiet.”
Shen Mo didn’t make a sound. He only kissed the man back harder.
The two embraced each other on the sofa. Shen Mo’s legs felt so weak that he almost fell off onto the ground. The man reached out to support his back and pinned him down on the sofa.
It’d be torture if they stopped now. Just in case, Shen Mo hooked his legs tightly around the man’s waist. The man chuckled, his hand sliding down the collar of Shen Mo’s pyjamas. As his cold fingers brushed against Shen Mo’s chest, Shen Mo couldn’t help but tense up.
On purpose, the man thumbed Shen Mo’s nipple, rubbing and pinching slightly.
“Ahh...” Shen Mo let out a trembling moan.
The man kissed the corner of Shen Mo’s eye before quickly withdrawing his hand. He then lowered his head and licked Shen Mo’s nipple over the pyjama shirt. The thin fabric was dampened in no time. Shen Mo raised his chest and writhed as though he could no longer endure the pleasure, crying, “Mnn... Don’t...”
Only now did the man undo Shen Mo’s shirt, one button at a time. But he didn’t tease Shen Mo’s nipples any longer. Instead, his hands moved down and soon took hold of Shen Mo’s weak spot.
Shen Mo’s back tingled, almost as though a fire burned inside of him. And the man on top of him was his only antidote.
Shen Mo wrapped his arms around the man’s neck and urged, “Hurry...”
As Shen Mo wished, the man took the erection into his hand, kissing Shen Mo aggressively as he slid his palm up and down the length. Dizzied by the stimulation, Shen Mo soon came in the man’s hand. Absently, Shen Mo tried to catch his breath.
The man’s forehead was also sweating somewhat. With fingers covered in come, he moved farther down and soon reached Shen Mo’s puckered entrance. Slowly, he pushed in one finger.
Shen Mo was too tight. Even with just one finger inside, Shen Mo’s face already paled in pain. The man curled his finger with difficulty, saying beside Shen Mo’s ear, “I can’t. It’s too tight.”
Shen Mo whimpered, clenching around the man’s finger. He had already found the perfect weapon against the man. In a somewhat hoarse voice, he said, “Don’t leave me. I love you so much...”
The man’s expression changed. Biting Shen Mo’s lip, he hissed, “You asked for it.”
After he said this, he kissed Shen Mo fiercely, swallowing all of Shen Mo’s voice. Closing his eyes, Shen Mo felt the finger probe his body, gradually entering a frighteningly deep place. He couldn’t help but shudder in pain.
Only after a long time did Shen Mo’s body soften. The man withdrew his finger, replacing it with something hard and hot. Shen Mo’s legs trembled. Unable to even let out a sound, he only stared at the man with watery eyes.
Yet, the man suddenly grew gentler. He pressed his forehead against Shen Mo’s and kept kissing him. Then, he parted Shen Mo’s legs and, inch by inch, entered Shen Mo’s body.
Shen Mo didn’t know how to describe the agony. He felt as though his torso was being ripped apart. Even his soul was being torn into pieces. Something that didn’t belong to him had been forced into his body.
The man separated from Shen Mo’s mouth. He took Shen Mo’s right hand and brought it to his lips, kissing Shen Mo’s fingers one after another, asking tenderly, “Does it hurt?”
Shen Mo didn’t know if the man was asking about his hand or the place where they were connected.
As the man thrust, sweat seeped from Shen Mo’s back. Shen Mo couldn’t even say a word. He only shook his head, letting out meaningless moans.
Holding down Shen Mo’s limbs, the man sent his hips forward, grinding harder and harder. One of Shen Mo’s legs was folded while the other hung at the edge of the sofa, swaying like a white ocean wave to the man’s movements.
A moment later, the man bent over and rested all of his weight on Shen Mo. Shen Mo felt a warmth surge into his body. He couldn’t move, stuck in the corner of the sofa. Only the tips of his toes tensed, almost as if his body was cramping.
Quite some time passed before his heartbeats settled. The sofa was too small for the two of them. The man first had Shen Mo take a shower with him before they got into bed together. Shen Mo had got exactly what he’d wanted—he felt that this was the way things were supposed to be.
Exhausted, he lay down in the man’s arms and fell asleep again.
When Shen Mo woke up, the sky looked dim. He couldn’t tell whether it was dusk or dawn. The man, who had woken up earlier than him, was playing with his hair. Just as Shen Mo looked up, his lips brushed against the man’s chin. The new-grown stubble there tickled Shen Mo’s skin.
The man asked him, “Hungry?”
Shen Mo did feel a little hungry, but he didn’t want to move. He said, “I want to sleep a little longer.”
The man also lay down beside Shen Mo, wrapping his arms around Shen Mo’s body. Shen Mo casually chatted with him, “Why didn’t you open the door with your key when you came back?”
“I left in a hurry and forgot to bring it.”
This was more like something Shen Mo would do. Shen Mo held back his laughter and asked, “You came back so early. Won’t your family have something to say?”
“It doesn’t matter. My sister...”
Shen Mo found it strange. He asked, “Aren’t you an only child?”
The man didn’t reply. He only stroked Shen Mo’s hair, making a mess of it. Shen Mo felt that something was wrong, but before he could figure it out, he heard the man ask, “Why didn’t you go home for New Year’s?”
Clearly, the man didn’t believe Shen Mo’s lie. While Shen Mo searched as hard as he could for another excuse, the man grabbed his shoulders and gazed at him.
“Tell me the truth.”
Shen Mo’s lips moved. Only a while later did he say, “It’s nothing. It was because... I got kicked out by my parents. You know. During the summer holidays that year, I went back home….”
Hastily, Shen Mo told the man what had happened, skimming over all of the anguish and heartbreak.
“I actually call home every few months. It’s just that nobody picks up.”
The man listened quietly. In the end, he wrapped Shen Mo in a tight embrace and said, “So you’re all alone.”
“Of course not. I still have you, don’t I?”
Shen Mo held the man’s hand as he asked,
“We won’t break up, will we?”
The man’s eyes were an unfathomable abyss. For some reason, Shen Mo felt anxious. He asked the man again.
The man finally smiled, covering Shen Mo’s eyes with his palm. Shen Mo’s field of view darkened. The world was pitch-black now, leaving behind only the man’s voice. Shen Mo heard the man say slowly, “... Of course not.”
Shen Mo’s right hand gradually began to heal. After several months of rehabilitation, the injury to his right hand no longer affected his daily life, although his hand still trembled slightly whenever he held a paintbrush.
The doctor said that this was due to psychological factors; it would recover sooner or later as long as he did his exercises properly. His ability to recognise people had also improved—he could already distinguish the man’s two assistants.
However, the man still made him go to the hospital for regular rehabilitation.
The man hadn’t slept on the sofa since New Year’s. As the days grew warmer, Shen Mo’s heart blossomed as well. He felt that this was the happiest he’d ever been. He was in such high spirits that he could hardly recall most of what had happened in the past.
As Shen Mo practised using his right hand, he also looked up recruitment information online. He was searching for painting-related positions, hoping he could get a job once his hand recovered. After all, they’d already graduated from college and entered society.
Now that they were beginning to age, they had to face reality sooner or later. Zhou Yang’s family probably wouldn’t let them stay together. If the man were also kicked out by his family, he would at least be able to live off Shen Mo.
When Shen Mo mentioned this plan at the dinner table later, the man couldn’t help but laugh. Shen Mo glared at him, somewhat angered.
Seeing this, the man quickly changed his attitude and said, “Okay, okay. I’ll live off you.”
Only then was Shen Mo satisfied. Shen Mo reckoned that at this rate, it was just a matter of time before his right hand fully recovered, and he’d soon be able to paint again. He had long ago made up his mind that Zhou Yang would be his first subject. After all, the man looked handsome from every angle.
Often, as the man read documents on the sofa, Shen Mo eyed him quietly from the side, considering the composition of the painting. The glow of the sunset splashed onto the man’s face, drawing a faint light over his features. Shen Mo thought the man’s side face was particularly charming.
As Shen Mo mused, the man seemed to notice Shen Mo’s gaze. He looked up and smiled at Shen Mo. Shen Mo was somewhat surprised.
The man had already stood up. He strode toward Shen Mo, bent down, and kissed Shen Mo on the lips. Then, he straightened up and went back to reading the documents as if nothing had happened.
On the other hand, Shen Mo blushed from what the man had done and slipped into the kitchen to cook.
A few days later, the sky cleared up. Spring could be felt everywhere.
Shen Mo washed all of their winter clothes and blankets before drying them in the sun. Remembering how his tools were still locked in the cabinet, he fished them out and put them in order. When the man found out that Shen Mo was going to paint again, he even suggested buying him a new set. But Shen Mo turned down the offer as he was more familiar with his old tools.
After sorting out the art supplies, Shen Mo also tidied up the cabinet. The rental was quite small; the cabinet was filled with miscellaneous things, from fever medicine to bug spray. Shen Mo threw away everything he deemed useless. As he rummaged through the cabinet, he happened to find an album.
His previous photos had all been left in his hometown. This album only contained some photos from high school and college.
The moment Shen Mo opened it, a graduation photo fell out. It was a high school graduation photo. Now that Shen Mo thought about it, it’d already been several years since then.
At first glance, he recognised himself in the photo, wearing his school uniform and really short bangs. Because he wasn’t too tall, he had stood in one of the front rows. He looked for Zhou Yang next. Yet even after searching around, he couldn’t find the familiar face.
Strange. Hadn’t Zhou Yang taken part in the graduation photoshoot?
Shen Mo remembered that he and Zhou Yang had been high school classmates. He fell in love with Zhou Yang, and he was the one who asked Zhou Yang out.
However, he was unable to recall many details. As one would expect, he couldn’t recall if Zhou Yang had taken part in the graduation photoshoot either.
Shen Mo knew it was because he was sick. But it didn’t matter. He’d also taken many casual photos with Zhou Yang. He’d printed out all of them and put them inside the album.
Shen Mo had nothing else to do, so he sat down and flipped through the album. He didn’t take photos often. Most of the photos had been taken at school, although a few had been taken on holiday. Some were single photos while others were group photos, but most were of him and one other person.
As Shen Mo went through the photos one after another, his heart seemed to sink into a cold lake, sending chills all across his body. He was smiling so happily in the photos, especially in the shots of him and that other person.
The affection seeping from his eyes was impossible to hide. But that person wasn’t Zhou Yang. Or, not the man he had been living with and sleeping beside.
Shen Mo’s palms sweat uncontrollably. Who was this man?
Shen Mo pulled himself together before picking up the high school graduation photo and comparing it with the others. This time, he looked at it carefully, scrutinising one face after another. Finally, he found a set of similar features—on the person standing two rows behind him. This was indeed his high school classmate.
If this person wasn’t Zhou Yang, why did they associate so often? But if this person was really Zhou Yang… Without a doubt, it’d be even more terrifying.
Shen Mo sat on the chair, absent-minded. The beautiful springtime rays shone on him, but he couldn’t feel a single hint of warmth. He tried his best to remember, but as though a veil was hanging before him, everything seemed hazy and unreal.
Shen Mo could remember that he and Zhou Yang had been high school classmates, that they had fallen in love, and that... No matter what, he couldn’t remember Zhou Yang’s face.
It seemed that something had happened in the middle, and he and Zhou Yang were forced apart. Then his right hand was injured, and he began living alone in the rental. Every night, the same nightmare recurred. He was too afraid to fall asleep.
Until that day – he was about to open a pack of mouldy bread when he heard the doorbell ring. In a trance, he walked over to open the door and saw the man standing outside. That had been his Zhou Yang, of course.
Shen Mo pressed his palm against his chest. Even now, he could recall that throb in his heart. Who could have rescued him, apart from Zhou Yang? As for why he couldn’t see the man’s face too clearly back then, it had only been because of his illness. Now that he was getting better, he knew that the man looked handsome, or at least much better than the nobodies in the photo.
In reality, it was easy to confirm the matter. All he had to do was ask a high school classmate. But Shen Mo still sat there, not moving. He felt somewhat afraid. He hoped that it was just some kind of misunderstanding. But if… He didn’t even dare think about it.
The afternoon passed quickly. As the sun went down, there came the familiar sound of the opening door. Shen Mo jumped up from his chair. He used to look forward to this sound so much, but now he was scared for no reason. He hurried to shove the photos back inside the cabinet.
The man pushed open the door and entered the house. He wore a dark suit, his features the same as Shen Mo remembered. Seeing Shen Mo standing beside the cabinet, the man smiled and asked, “Tidying things up again?”
Shen Mo exclaimed, “Ah.” He only stared at the man’s face.
“What’s wrong?” The man walked toward Shen Mo and took Shen Mo’s hand, frowning. “Why is your hand so cold?”
Even the man’s touch made Shen Mo nervous. Panicking, he didn’t know how to respond.
The man asked, “Are you tired?”
And so Shen Mo replied, “Yeah, a little.”
“I know you want to start painting again, but don’t push yourself too hard. Just let nature take its course.”
“I know.”
Shen Mo’s right hand had long since recovered, but the man still rubbed it between his palms out of habit. He asked, “Where’s dinner?”
Only then did Shen Mo realise, “Oh, I forgot to make it.”
“You lose track of time whenever you think about painting, don’t you?” The man smiled and said, “Let’s get delivery.”
In the evening, the two ate together. Shen Mo tried to act naturally, but his limbs were still somewhat stiff. He wondered if the man had noticed.
Shen Mo took a shower after dinner. When he came out, he saw that the man had, quite naturally, already climbed into bed. Neither of them had slept alone since New Year’s, but it was different now. If the man wasn’t Zhou Yang…
Feeling his throat tense, Shen Mo was reluctant to get into bed. Only after the man urged him several times did he finally lie down. The man turned off the light and reached out to wrap his arms around Shen Mo, calling in the dark, “Shen Mo.”
“Yeah?”
Shen Mo replied cautiously. He thought that the man had noticed something, but instead he heard him say, “Your birthday is in a few days. What do you want as a present?”
Birthday? Oh, right. His birthday was this month. Shen Mo had almost forgotten about this. He thought for a while before he replied, “I never go out of my way to celebrate my birthday. There’s no need to bother.”
The man seemed to have known what Shen Mo would say. A grin could be heard in his voice, “I’ll do as I see fit, then.”
The man wasn’t aware of anything. All he cared about was celebrating Shen Mo’s birthday. Shen Mo’s heart throbbed, almost as though it was sizzling atop a fire. His eyes stayed open, and he didn’t sleep.
Only when the man next to him fell asleep, breathing steadily, did he carefully move his arm away. He turned around to sleep on the edge of the bed. The man reached out for him in vain, murmuring in his sleep, “Shen Mo.”
Shen Mo gritted his teeth and didn’t respond. The man even knew his birthday. How could he be anyone but Zhou Yang? But if, if the man was really a stranger...
Why did he pretend to be Zhou Yang? Why did he treat him so tenderly? Shen Mo couldn’t help but tremble. As the long night approached, he wrapped himself in the blanket and hugged himself tightly. But he still felt cold.
The next day, Shen Mo woke up in warm arms. However, he’d fallen asleep last night, and he ended up rolling into the man’s arms again. The man had woken up earlier than Shen Mo. Lowering his head, he kissed the top of Shen Mo’s head and said,
“I’ll be working overtime these few days. I can take a day off during the weekend and spend some time outside with you.”
The weekend was Shen Mo’s birthday. Shen Mo felt a thud in his heart. He kept silent in the man’s arms.
The man added, “Do you remember that painting of yours from before? It was a vision of your dream home.”
Absently, Shen Mo said, “Really? I don’t remember.”
A painting with such a definite subject had probably been an assignment from university. Even he himself didn’t remember it; how could somebody else know?
But the man embraced him gently and stated, “Yes. There was such a painting.”
The man pressed his chest against Shen Mo’s back. Their heartbeats almost seemed to overlap.
Shen Mo almost yielded to the warmth of this affection. However, after the man got up and went to work, Shen Mo still cleaned himself up and visited the hospital. He met with his usual doctor. The examination showed that his illness was well under control, although he still had to take medicine.
Shen Mo asked carefully, “With this illness... is it possible for me to mistake someone for someone else?”
The doctor answered with much reservation, “Those with serious PTSD may choose to avoid reality and forget certain things or people. As for whether or not they can mistake one person for another, it depends on the specific circumstances.”
Hearing this, Shen Mo had already guessed what had happened. He had indeed lost some of his memories. Just what in the world had happened for him to have forgotten even Zhou Yang’s face? To have, to have even mistaken a stranger for Zhou Yang?
The most straightforward solution was to ask the man about it. But the man had to work overtime for the next few days, leaving early and returning late every day. Shen Mo didn’t even have the chance to meet him face-to-face.
It wasn’t until Friday evening that the man came home early. The moment he saw Shen Mo, he asked, “Should we order cake for tomorrow?” He was still thinking about Shen Mo’s birthday.
Shen Mo shook his head and said, “No. I’ll just cook a few more dishes tomorrow.”
Glancing at the man’s face, Shen Mo asked deliberately, “What do you like to eat?”
Oblivious, the man casually mentioned a few dishes. Shen Mo made the comparison in his mind; those weren’t dishes that Zhou Yang liked. The truth was already so close, and yet he began to hesitate, reluctant to expose the man right there.
To make time for the special day, the man had compressed several days’ work. Even now, he hadn’t finished working yet. He took out his laptop to write emails. Shen Mo sat at the side and watched the man quietly.
For many nights, he had gazed at the side of the man’s face like this, planning the composition of his painting. But he hadn’t even finished the painting yet.
Shen Mo felt a soreness in his chest. Finally, he called, “Zhou Yang!”
The man paused, lifting his head slowly. He didn’t respond, giving Shen Mo only one glance. His eyes were dark. His gaze was as cold as a snowy winter night as it collided with Shen Mo’s heart.
Shen Mo felt as though a cold hand had clenched around his heart. Pain seeped from the cracks of his bones. He heard himself say in a hoarse voice, “You’re not Zhou Yang.”
The man didn’t say anything. The living room was quiet apart from the ticking of the wall clock. Shen Mo had never known that time could pass so slowly. Moments later, the man shut his laptop and loosened his tie, declaring, “That’s right. Of course not.”
Shen Mo had prepared himself for it, but after he heard this, his ears still buzzed. He took quite some time to regain his composure.
The man stood up from the sofa and walked toward him, calling, “Shen Mo?”
The man reached out to touch his face. Startled, Shen Mo couldn’t help but dodge to the side. The man’s hand stopped in the air. A while later, he drew it back.
Shen Mo looked up and asked him, “If you’re not Zhou Yang, why did you pretend to be him?”
“I pretended to be Zhou Yang?” The man uttered something between a snort and a laugh. He said, “You were the one who mistook me for him first, weren’t you?”
Shen Mo was speechless. According to his own memory, he was indeed the one who first mistook the man for Zhou Yang. He could vaguely recall that the man had even denied it several times. But he was ill back then—how could he act rationally?
“You could have left me alone and let me look after myself. Or, if you were kinder, you could have just taken me to the hospital. Why did you pretend to be Zhou Yang?”
The man took Shen Mo’s hand. Shen Mo’s right hand had been injured. Even though it’d healed, some scars remained.
The man stroked the scars tenderly and said, “At first, I was afraid that you might starve to death alone in this house, so I visited you from time to time. But later, I realised how stubborn your temper is. I couldn’t leave you alone. And after that….”
Shen Mo asked, “And after that?”
The man put Shen Mo’s hand to his lips, almost as though it was a kiss. He gazed at Shen Mo and asked, “Do you really not know? Why I stayed by your side?”
As if realising something, Shen Mo whispered, “Don’t say it…”
But the man had already bent over to kiss Shen Mo’s lips. “Because I love you, Shen Mo.”
Shen Mo gasped, scrambling to escape the kiss. He stepped back again and again until his back was against the wall. The man reached out and pulled Shen Mo into his arms.
Running his fingers through Shen Mo’s hair, the man said, “Dr Tang called me two days ago. I’d already guessed that you’d recover soon.”
Shen Mo’s doctor's surname was Tang. It was then that Shen Mo realised the man knew everything but had only pretended that nothing was wrong.
“It’s good that you’ve woken up to it, really. It’s not as if you could have lived in your memories for the rest of your life, anyway.” The man added in a gentler tone, “Shen Mo. Pack up your things. Let’s go.”
Shen Mo was confused. “Go? Go where?”
The man smiled. Little by little, the tip of his nose came up to Shen Mo’s face. Amid an indescribable softness, he said, “You’ll see when we arrive.”
Shen Mo used to like it when the man smiled like this. No, no, no—at that time, he’d thought that the man was Zhou Yang. But now, the man was no more than a nameless stranger.
Shen Mo closed his eyes for a moment and said, “No. I can’t leave.”
“Why not?”
“I have to stay here and wait for Zhou Yang.”
Shen Mo let out those words without thinking. When he finished, he saw the smile in the man’s eyes turn cold.
“Zhou Yang went abroad. You broke up a long time ago.”
Shen Mo didn’t possess this memory, but he shook his head unconsciously. “No. Zhou Yang and I are only apart for the time being.”
The man kept quiet for a moment before he suddenly asked, “What about me, Shen Mo?”
Shen Mo’s heart quivered as though it was immersed in seawater, half cold and half warm, floating and unable to touch the shore. Yet, he continued, “I thought you were Zhou Yang… The one I love has always been Zhou Yang…”
Before Shen Mo could finish speaking, the man silenced him with a kiss. Unlike the gentle peck from before, the man was anxious and aggressive this time. He quickly took Shen Mo’s mouth by force, as though he wanted to rob Shen Mo of all air, leaving no room for Shen Mo to breathe. Shen Mo almost thought he’d die like this. He couldn’t help but struggle, biting down hard on the man’s lip.
As their tongues entangled, a metallic taste spread throughout their mouths. The man only let out a muffled groan. He didn’t move at all, still gripping Shen Mo’s shoulders as he kissed him.
Shen Mo managed to back off a little, calling vaguely, “Zhou Yang—”
The man suddenly stopped. His lips were still against Shen Mo’s. He seemed to tremble slightly. Only a few moments later, he slowly drew away. A scarlet trace of blood had been left by Shen Mo’s bite, making his face seem even paler.
Shen Mo had never seen the man like this before. But the man quickly concealed his emotions. He let go of Shen Mo, regaining his usual composure. Even his voice sounded calm and restrained. “Yes. The one you love is Zhou Yang.”
The man casually wiped the blood from his lips and straightened up. “It’s unsuitable for me to stay the night, isn’t it?
Shen Mo didn’t know what to say in reply. He’d just been living his days, and the person sleeping next to him suddenly became someone else. Who in the world would know what to do? His thoughts were a mess.
But the man had already nodded, saying to himself, “Of course you won’t come with me. I’m the one who should go.”
The man looked so composed, displaying no anger at all on the surface. As calm as usual, he took his laptop from the table and walked out the door.
Shen Mo’s legs moved on their own; he followed the man for a few steps. He didn’t stop until he reached the door. He didn’t even know who the man was. Why had he tried to follow the man just like that?
At least he had to retrieve his memories and figure out what had happened between him and Zhou Yang. Shen Mo sat back down on the sofa. It started raining outside. The raindrops rustled. He and Zhou Yang had furnished this house together, but now the shadows of another man lurked in every corner.
Shen Mo didn’t know how long had passed when he heard the doorbell ring again. He rushed to open the door. Outside stood the man who’d returned once again. For a moment, Shen Mo was stunned.
The man should have driven here, but he’d been rained upon for some reason. His clothes were drenched. Water dripped from the ends of his hair. Even his eyes seemed to have been doused with rain as he gazed intently at Shen Mo. Shen Mo opened his mouth, but he didn’t let out a sound.
The man didn’t enter the house. He took only Shen Mo’s hand and stuffed a delicate box into it. “I prepared this present a long time ago. I was going to show it to you in person….”
The rain was loud. As a veil hung between them, his voice sounded somewhat unreal.
“You can go take a look on your own, or….”
Surrounded by watery mist, the man approached Shen Mo.
Shen Mo didn’t avoid the man this time. The man was so impossibly close to Shen Mo, as if he would kiss him the next second. But in the end, he didn’t do anything but whisper, “Or you can pretend that you never received it. That way, I’ll know how you feel.”
Shen Mo found the box in his hand to be warm and dry. It was raining so heavily. He didn’t know where the man had hidden the box.
He clasped this early birthday present, as if he was clasping a person’s whole heart.