The Crow Club: Over My Dead Body
Chapter 10.
Because of the meticulousness of the Japanese government, it took Van about six months to complete all the required paperwork. To him, it felt like it had taken an entire lifetime.
However, after accidentally chatting with a woman at the visa application centre, she told him that six months was actually not long at all for the process of moving to Japan for study. Most people without any previous problems took around this amount of time.
Hearing that, Van felt a little relieved. At least he knew he hadn’t wasted time because he had been blindly stumbling through the process without knowing what he was doing.
Love did not contact him at all during the six months Van remained in Thailand.
No phone calls.
No LINE notifications.
Nothing.
It was as if they had never known each other. Van understood. Everything that happened that day had already made Love’s choice clear.
In fact, he was the one who pushed Love toward that decision. So Van lowered his head and accepted his fate, even though there had been many times when he wanted to reach out.
Luckily, one thing remained. They still followed each other on Instagram.
Love was kind enough not to unfollow him. And even kinder not to block him after Van had behaved like an absolute jerk the last time they met. Of course, Love was a genuinely good person. Van was still surprised that someone like that had somehow ended up falling for someone like him.
Since they no longer talked, Love’s Instagram stories became the only way Van could know what was happening in his life. He noticed that Love posted stories much more often than before. The reason wasn’t difficult to guess.
Now that everything had settled down, Love was finally happy enough to share his life openly. He was able to spend time with Karn without being disturbed. He became closer and closer with Mameaw, to the point where they often stayed overnight at each other’s rooms. And although Van never saw any stories involving Namkhing anymore, he was happy to see new friends appearing in Love’s stories. He believed in the idea of change throughout life.
Sometimes people didn’t need to fight. They didn’t need to do something terrible that made it impossible to face each other again. Sometimes, it was simply growing up that caused people’s paths to branch out in different directions. Some branches grew too far apart to continue walking together. That wasn’t something people needed to drown themselves in sadness over, or search for someone to blame. Sometimes, it was enough to be happy for each other and let each other go.
That way, nobody had to hurt.
On the final night before leaving, Van checked his luggage one more time to make sure everything was there. Most of his belongings had already been sent ahead. The things left behind were mostly necessities that needed to be taken onto the plane with him. There wasn’t much. The things that took up the most space were his collections. His personal belongings were actually very few.
After everything had been cleared out, his old bedroom suddenly looked much better. It was spacious and clean. (Though that was mostly because his mother had come to help clean.) Van thought that if it were renovated properly, it could become a much nicer room. But his parents probably wouldn’t do that. Even if they did, nobody would be living there.
They probably wouldn’t want to spend money making an empty room beautiful just so it could become a home for spiders, mosquitoes, and termites.
“Checked your things yet?”
His mother pushed open the door without warning, just like always. By now, she probably knew she would never have another chance to barge in and find her little Shimejo kid inside.
“The millionth time.”
“I don’t want to have to send things after you.”
“If I forget something, I’ll just buy it there.”
“If they sell ID cards at Seven-Eleven, I’ll let you buy one there,” his mother said with a stern look when she saw his identification card lying on the desk.
She picked it up, placed it into the card slot of the wallet sitting nearby, then dropped it into his shoulder bag. Van could only give an awkward smile because he didn’t know what to say.
“You’re not a child anymore. You’re going to live alone. You need to be careful and take care of yourself.”
“I’ve already lived alone for almost a year.”
“That doesn’t count as living alone.”
His mother shook her head.
“You had a house full of friends, and there were adults there too. Don’t think I don’t know. She looked after you like you were her own child.”
“Linda exaggerates everything,” Van muttered.
He wasn’t seriously arguing. He already knew Linda had a habit of making things sound bigger than they were, and his mother had a habit of believing everything other people said.
(Except her own son.)
His mother walked around the room for a while. At first, Van thought she was checking whether he had packed properly. But after secretly watching her for a moment, he realised she wasn’t looking at his belongings at all.
“Are you okay?” Van asked directly when he saw her expression, as if she was trying to hold back tears while looking at his empty bedroom.
“You don’t want me to go?”
“Why wouldn’t I want you to go?” his mother replied.
She stood with her hands on her hips, staring at the wardrobe that now only held empty hangers and five or six old T-shirts he used for sleeping.
“You’re going to find a good future…”
“Why would I try to stop you?”
“Because you look sad.”
“I’m just feeling overwhelmed.”
His mother slowly dragged her feet over and sat down on the edge of the bed, beside Van.
“Seeing your room this empty feels strange.”
“But I moved out a long time ago.”
“Back then, I still knew where you were.”
His mother sighed. It had been a long time since Van had seen his mother look this defeated. She looked like the leftover stems of the basil plant after all the leaves had been picked off — the part she usually made him throw away near the base of the trees.
“At least you were still in the same country—the same province. You weren’t moving to another house, another city, like this time. If something happens while you’re over there, what am I supposed to do? Am I going to wave down a bus or call a taxi all the way there?”
“You could. If you had enough time.”
“Van.”
“Come on, Mum.”
Van gently squeezed his mother’s shoulder. He had always said he wasn’t good at comforting people. Now he thought maybe he got that from her.
His mother was tough, blunt, rough around the edges, said things that could make anyone wince, and almost never showed weakness directly. Van only realised how similar he was to her in those ways when he had to sit here and comfort this little creature.
“I’ll be okay. It won’t be easy, but I’ll definitely be okay. Even when you kicked me out of the house, I still found somewhere to live. I even made a million baht.”
His mother fell silent. She stared at the walls still covered in posters she used to complain were “messy.” This was probably the only thing Van had left behind. The only thing that might remind her of him, besides the loud footsteps running down the stairs that she hated so much.
“Mum… I’m sorry, Van.”
Sometimes people don’t know what they need until they finally get it. A phone that could take pictures. A television connected to the internet.
Self-driving cars. And countless other things created by a small group of people that the majority of people then had to learn and adapt to.
Van thought his mother’s apology was his version of a camera phone.
“When you were little… your relatives and the people around the neighbourhood said you were a stupid child because you weren’t like their children. You talked like an adult, you couldn’t sit still, and sometimes you did strange things that caused trouble for everyone.”
Her voice trembled.
“When I heard them say those things about you, I was so angry I saw red. I shouted at them until three houses away could hear. I cursed them so much they ended up calling the police to stop me.”
His mother laughed weakly, but tears gathered at the corners of her eyes. It was such a strange sight. Van wasn’t even sure if he had ever seen his mother cry before. But one thing he knew for certain: He had never known about this.
“I told them my child was a genius. Their children couldn’t compare to you. Just wait and see. That ‘stupid child’ you’re talking about will come back and stand above all of you. He’ll be more successful than every one of your children.”
“I remember everything I said.”
Those arrogant words sounded exactly like something his mother would say. Because, to Van, from childhood until now, he remembered his mother as someone who loved exaggerating and showing off. But as he grew older, he realised that he and his mother were actually alike, just in different ways.
His mother bragged because she wanted others to see her as someone impressive. She became angry when people disagreed with her or showed that they didn’t believe her. But Van bragged for his own comfort. He didn’t care whether people believed him or not. (He might argue back for the fun of it sometimes, but other people’s criticism never shook his confidence.) He talked because he knew he had something good.
His mother, however, often said things first and then searched for a way to make them become reality afterwards. So Van could guarantee one thing: When it came to this, she had been one hundred per cent sincere.
“When I said those things, I truly believed them.”
His mother wiped her tears.
“I raised you. I thought I knew you well. My child wasn’t stupid. He was just smarter than other children his age.”
“But deep down… many times I was scared. If you really were what people said you were, what would I do?”
“Many people told me that some autistic people could be extremely intelligent. What if you were like that?”
“Honestly, some nights I stayed awake thinking about it until I couldn’t sleep.”
“And if in the end I really was like that… what do you think you would have been like?”
Van didn’t ask: What would you have done?”
He asked: What would you have been like?”
“Probably gone crazy.”
His mother answered honestly instead of giving him some beautiful comforting response. Because she knew Van could always tell when she was lying.
“Probably wouldn’t have been able to face the neighbours because I’d already insulted them so much.”
“That’s true. If I were you, I’d probably be embarrassed too.”
“But I was never embarrassed.”
His mother looked directly into Van’s eyes. She was still crying.
“I’m sorry for making you feel that way all this time.”
“It’s my own bad habit. I always wanted to be better, to stand out more than other people. Maybe I brag too much because I dislike certain people.”
“But when I talked about you…”
“I never had to lie.”
Van looked at his mother, not knowing what to say. At a moment like this, she probably wanted to be the one to say everything herself.
“You’re different from other people because you’re better than other people. You’re more special than other people.”
“Ordinary people will never understand you.”
“But I’m your mother. And I’m proud of you every single day.”
“I know I didn’t raise you perfectly. I made a lot of mistakes with you.”
“That’s why I want to thank you…”
“For growing up into such a good person.”
“Even though you had a mother like me.”
“You’ve seen what kind of partner doesn’t work out, so don’t follow your mother’s example. Choose someone good. Someone who loves you and doesn’t take advantage of you.”
“What if that person is a man?”
“A man is a man. Just don’t choose a man like the one I chose.”
On the final night, in the old house where he had grown up, the house with a selfish father, a mother who fought everyone except her own husband, and a child who had been labelled as “stupid” since birth, Van knew his home was far from perfect.
One night of hugging and crying together couldn’t erase all the wounds that had accumulated over the years. It couldn’t make everything disappear overnight. But at least they had become lighter. Light enough for him to spread his wings and fly on his own. To leave the little nest and ride the wind far away without having to carry everything on his back anymore.
The day of departure was one of the busiest days of his life. Not because getting himself onto a plane was difficult. Checking in and dropping off his luggage was easy. Van had already finished all of that the moment he arrived.
The headache came from all the relatives and close friends who had gathered to see him off.
There were many times when Van wanted to step aside and scream, but all he could do was nod along and agree with everyone.
His mother kept repeating the same questions over and over.
“Has this arrived yet?”
“Which bag did you put this in?”
“Call me immediately when you land.”
And countless others.
Linda was no different. She gave him a lecture about surviving sensibly in a foreign country, despite having spent her entire life in Thailand.
She repeatedly warned him about homeless people, scammers, and thieves. It was useful advice, but Van thought Linda still saw him as a child a little too much.
Mimi cried nonstop. Ever since the day he moved out of the crow club, she had been crying, from the moment he started packing until the car finally drove away from the club.
Even today, she was still quick to burst into tears.
Van hugged her and comforted her, saying:
“If you were going to cry this much, you shouldn’t have bothered putting on makeup.”
Tangmo looked almost normal. Suppose it wasn’t for the fact that he acted more like a tour guide than anything else. He talked about famous tourist destinations in Japan, shopping areas, and well-known restaurants in each prefecture as if he had been born and raised there. Just like a rich kid who travelled abroad frequently — the kind of person who was completely different from Van, who would run to the shop to buy fish sauce for his mother.
Nae didn’t show much emotion. She had always been like that, especially with living things. But luckily, they were friends, so Van seemed to receive a special exception and a very special gift from her. A spiritual bracelet that she was planning to sell. Apparently, Van had been honoured as the first person to wear it. She even instructed him to come back and review whether it truly protected him and kept him safe, which would be very easy to prove. If he didn’t contact her again soon, then obviously the bracelet hadn’t helped at all.
Yoye couldn’t come because he had an important work commitment. But he was still thoughtful enough to FaceTime him goodbye through Tangmo’s phone, and he also sent a small gift bag with Tangmo. Although they didn’t live together, Yoye was still one of the members of the club and had always been kind to Van. Or perhaps it was more accurate to say he was kind to everyone except Tangmo.
The most normal ones were probably Talay and Patee. Talay looked like an ordinary older brother seeing his younger brother off to study abroad. He shoved cash into Van’s hand and said: “Keep this to exchange for yen when you get to the airport.”
Van almost cried. This was the most thoughtful gift anyone could give.
Then there was Patee. He didn’t say much besides: “Good luck, friend.”
He also told Van he wanted him to come back for his debut event. But Van could only answer:
“I’ll try.”
He didn’t dare promise anything because he still didn’t know whether his life after this would go smoothly enough for him to come back and watch his friend’s debut.
(Meaning whether he would actually have enough money for a return flight.)
Oh!
There was one more person he almost forgot to mention.
His own father.
That old man came too.
But he spent most of his time walking around and exploring Suvarnabhumi Airport rather than saying goodbye to his son.
His excuse was: “It’s my first time coming to Suvarnabhumi.”
Van felt completely normal until it was finally time to go through the gate. He hugged everyone one last time. His mother and Mimi hugged each other while crying. Linda also looked like she was holding back tears.
The atmosphere was warm and heartbreaking at the same time, just like any ordinary goodbye. But Van felt something strange.
Something different. The sadness, the unfinished feelings, and the disappointment made his feet unable to move.
“Did you tell him?”
**[ me reading ๐๐ญ๐๐ญ๐๐ญ]**
It seemed Patee was the only person who noticed. He walked over and whispered while Van was waiting for his mother to find the amulet she had prepared for him.
(She had said she brought it, but forgot where she put it.)
“I told him.” Van nodded slightly. They both knew exactly who Patee meant.
“You told him at the right time, right?”
“It was the right time. What do you think I am? Someone who doesn’t know when to do things?”
“Do you have time to wait a little longer?”
“There isn’t any more time.” Van sighed.
He didn’t have time to wait outside anymore. There were still many things he needed to arrange before moving overseas, and it was impossible to know exactly how long everything would take.
“He probably won’t come anyway.”
“Why would he come?”
“Do you think everything you’ve done so far was the right thing?”
“But whether I have money is another matter.”
“You have loads of money.”
“Money gets spent, you know. I eat every day.”
Love said that before putting a jelly candy into his mouth.
“And there’s the thesis expenses too. I don’t know how much I’ll have left when it’s finished.”
“Karn, you’re the richest one. Can you pay for Love to go?”
Mameaw turned her attention back to Karn again.
“Yes,” Karn answered immediately.
“Yay! Okay, deal closed. We’re going to Japan.”
“If Love marries me first.”
Mameaw only got one second to celebrate before the male lead crushed her dream. She groaned dramatically before turning to complain to Love.
“Love! Just marry him!”
“No way… What if his fans come after me? What would I do?” Love replied without seriousness.
“Let me live peacefully.”
“You can get married and divorce later. Take his money first. Money is hard to find these days. Don’t be so picky.”
Love laughed and shook his head helplessly.
Sometimes he wished he could think as simply as Mameaw did. Like, if you wanted to do something, do it. Deal with everything else later and improvise along the way. That kind of approach was something only smart and brave people could pull off.
As for him, he was the type who was slow-thinking and timid, so he just had to keep struggling forward.
“Huh… Was there an earthquake in Japan?”
This time, Mameaw successfully pulled Love’s attention away. The hand that had been moving the mouse froze. Love turned toward her with a panicked expression.
“Where was it? Was it strong?”
“Akita, Iwate, Miyagi…”
“Uh…”
Mameaw was slightly confused by Love’s reaction, but she quickly returned to reading the news carefully.
“Magnitude 7.6… Aomori, Akita…”
Love and Mameaw looked at each other, completely unsure what to do. Love didn’t wait for Mameaw to finish listing all the affected areas. He grabbed his phone and suddenly rushed out onto the balcony. Karn and Mameaw could only watch him.
“That person…?” Mameaw whispered to Karn.
She received her answer in the form of a slow nod.
“Miyagi.”
Karn said softly, while looking toward the person pacing outside on the balcony with concern.
But he knew that Love didn’t need him right now.
The LINE call had already gone unanswered twice. Love was close to losing his mind. His hands trembled as he searched through his contacts for Van’s mother’s phone number.
The moment he found the name “Van’s Mum”, he immediately pressed call.
After only a few seconds, someone answered.
“Hello?”
“Mom… can you contact Van?”
Love spoke quickly, without even wasting time on greetings.
“He called me this morning, dear. He should be at university now.”
The normal tone of her voice immediately told Love that she hadn’t seen the news yet.
“Love, is something wrong?”
“Can I have Van’s phone number, please? I have something I want to ask him about… about Japan.”
There was no reason to tell her yet when nothing was certain.
“Oh! Are you going to Japan?”
His mother asked cheerfully.
“Uh… yes. I’m planning to go, so I wanted to talk to him about it.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll send it to you on LINE. You can ask him anything you want. And if you get the chance to visit him, that would be even better.”
Love quickly answered with short, rushed replies before ending the call. He left Van’s mother’s LINE chat open, waiting anxiously.
Less than a minute later, a Japanese phone number appeared.
Van’s number.
Love sent a sticker to thank her and immediately pressed call. Every ringing tone felt like it was squeezing his heart.
Love became so restless that he couldn’t sit still. He paced around the balcony like a trapped mouse, silently praying that the person on the other end would answer. Just moments ago, he could still make excuses. Maybe the internet was disrupted because of the earthquake. That was why he placed all his hope on the mobile number. If Van was at university right now, he should have his phone with him.
The call ended when nobody answered. Love’s heart sank even further. He called again. His leg shook rapidly while he bit his nails without realising it. Stress was making him act completely irrationally.
Pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
If nothing happened to you, please answer the phone. The ringing suddenly stopped. Love almost stopped breathing until he heard a faint rustling sound coming from the other end.
“Hello?”
That voice…
His voice.
He spoke Thai, probably because he saw the number calling was from Thailand. That alone made Love feel like he could breathe again. Like a huge weight had finally been lifted from his chest.
“Hello?”
The voice came again when the caller still didn’t speak.
Love froze.
His mind went completely blank.
His voice disappeared.
He didn’t know what to say.
All he knew was that hearing the voice of the person on the other side, carried across the ocean and distance, made him unable to hold back his tears.
“Who is this? Hello?”
He hadn’t heard that voice for a year. He couldn’t believe it.
“P’Van…”
When Love finally forced his voice out, the other end became silent instead. Love couldn’t guess what expression Van had right now.
Was he happy?
Confused?
Maybe he was even thinking of what insult to throw at him. But none of that mattered as long as Van was safe.
“[Love?]”
Just hearing his own name from Van’s mouth made tears fall. Love let out a quiet sob. He never knew that simply hearing Van’s voice could affect him this much.
Throughout the past year, Love thought he was fine. He thought missing him wasn’t that painful until he realised that Van still remembered his voice.
“[It’s Love, right…? Love?]”
His name really was funny. It caused misunderstandings again and again. Placed in certain sentences, it even sounded strange. Even Love himself, who had lived with this name his entire life, felt like Van wasn’t asking whether he was the person named Love. It sounded more like he was questioning his feelings.
“Mm… It’s me. Love.”
Love answered with a trembling voice. He still couldn’t stop crying.
“I got your number from your mother.”
Because he was crying so much, his brain wasn’t working properly. He accidentally revealed something he shouldn’t have.
“[You talked to my mother?]”
“I just kept it in case of emergencies. I got your mum’s number from P’Da, in case I needed to go to your house.”
Love told half the truth and half a lie.
The truth was that he had asked Linda for Van’s mother’s number so he could contact her before going to Van’s house that day. The lie was that he hadn’t only contacted Van’s mother for emergencies.
“Oh…”
Van didn’t question him further. Silence slowly formed between them. It wasn’t strange that Van didn’t know what to say. Love was the one who had called him. The person who should have said something was him. But Love couldn’t speak. He had practically died trying to call him. And now that Van finally answered, he couldn’t say anything? Great job.
“Love… I saw the earthquake news.”
Love tried with everything he had to stop crying, but he guessed Van had probably noticed from the beginning.
“It looked really strong, so I just… I wanted to know…”
“Are you okay?”
“[Oh… yeah. I’m okay. I’m safe.]”
Van answered.
Love thought he had never heard Van’s voice sound this awkward before.
“[The shaking was pretty strong. I was inside a building, so we had to wait until it calmed down before evacuating. I’m on my way back to the dorm now.]”
“Are you hurt anywhere?”
“[No. I’m completely fine.]”
Love felt annoyed at himself for crying so much.
Van had already told him he was safe, but he still couldn’t stop crying. He was acting as if he was about to die because Van had been in danger. Even though for the entire past year, Love had never called him even once. He had never asked how he was doing. Whether he was okay. Whether he could survive on his own. If he were Van, he would probably think:
This kid is unbelievably pathetic.
“[Love… you’re doing okay, right?]”
Even though Love had promised he wouldn’t interfere with Van’s life anymore, he was still crying so hard that his body was trembling just because Van showed him a little concern.
“[I’m sorry I never called you. I didn’t dare.]”
But Van was still the same person. Someone honest with his own feelings. Someone honest with Love. No matter how stubborn he was, no matter how much he wanted to win an argument, Van was never embarrassed to apologise.
“[I knew you were angry. I was afraid if I called, you’d say I was being stupid. Because I knew I’d acted like an asshole.”
He didn’t even try to make a beautiful excuse.
“I didn’t dare.”
“I was afraid you’d scold me.”
“I know I behaved terribly.”
How many people would apologise like this?
That was exactly why Love could never forget him.
“[I was really happy that you called me… Why couldn’t there have been a big earthquake in the first month?]”
“You’re such an asshole, P’Van.”
Love laughed through his tears. He was genuinely annoyed that this idiot could still joke around at a time like this. “Is this really something to joke about? It wasn’t only you who was affected. Everyone was in trouble.”
“[But if I hadn’t almost died, would you have called me?]”
Love didn’t know how to answer. At times like this, he really wanted to steal Van’s ability. He wanted to have an answer for everything. And say it without hesitation, just like Van always did.
“Love.”
Karn's voice suddenly came from behind him. Love flinched and turned around. Karn was standing with the balcony door slightly open. He had probably noticed that Love had been outside for a long time and was standing there crying alone.
“Are you okay?”
Love nodded softly.
Seeing that, Karn didn’t ask anything else. He nodded with a faint smile, then closed the door and returned to the living room.
“[I have to go now.]”
Van spoke.
Only then did Love realise that Van had gone quiet while he was talking to Karn.
[It’s difficult to talk on the phone while riding the train.]
It was as if Van had heard the conversation. And now he probably felt guilty for asking that question, so he used an excuse that sounded completely unreasonable—getting on a train right after a major earthquake? Seriously?
“Oh… okay.”
“[Thank you for calling. And also… I’m sorry.]”
Then the call ended. Their first conversation in a year made Love feel relieved that Van was still safe. But at the same time, it left behind a new kind of pain in his heart.
The cool breeze.
The scent of gardenia flowers.
The darkness.
Love could sense everything.
Everything except his own body.
He was moving, but he didn’t feel like he was moving. His bare feet touching the ground felt empty, as if he were walking through the air. He looked around, and there was…
But there was only a forest.
Tall trees.
Thick bushes.
Love didn’t know where he was walking. His body moved on its own, as if it already knew the way. As if this place was home. Even though it was nothing like anything in his memories, Love felt like he had walked a very long distance, yet he wasn’t tired at all.
He walked through the forest without sunlight, but he didn’t feel afraid. He kept walking. Following his feelings. Until finally, he saw a faint flickering light.
Love followed that light like a small boat following the North Star. The light grew larger and brighter. Then it slowly separated into dozens of tiny flames. It wasn’t just a light.
It was a village. Love entered the village, looking left and right in confusion.
This was a village hidden in the forest that looked like something from a historical drama.
Almost every house was a wooden stilt house.
The structures looked strong and sturdy. The windows were small, which Love guessed was designed to protect against the cold wind.
He remembered this principle from listening to lectures about traditional Lanna architecture.
Wait…
Lanna?
The more he looked carefully, the more familiar it felt. Not in the way that he had lived somewhere like this before. But the atmosphere, the feeling, and the houses in this village reminded him of his childhood memories. Back when his parents went up to their longan orchard almost every day, and he was often left at his great-grandfather’s house. The wooden house where his great-grandfather loved to boast: “The person who built this house… it’s already been here for a hundred years. Since the time of our ancestors.”
A large wooden house with beautifully carved gables. A grand staircase in the centre. Windows with wooden bars. Colourful paper lanterns hanging beneath the house. And wooden armour decorations displayed at the foot of the stairs.
This wasn’t just an unusually vivid memory. It was right in front of Love now. That large house where he used to run around and play as a child was standing before him. But now it looked newer than he remembered. How could his grandfather’s house be here?
While Love stood there, confused in front of the house that looked exactly like his grandfather’s home in Lamphun, a woman suddenly came running down the stairs. Her footsteps echoed loudly. Her face was filled with panic. She gripped the edge of her sarong tightly. The shawl around her shoulders fluttered as she ran. The flowers pinned into her high hair bun fell loose because she was rushing so quickly toward him.
Shit.
Before Love could find somewhere to hide—
Whoosh!
The woman ran straight through him.
She couldn’t see him.
Or perhaps…
Love didn’t truly exist here.
“What the hell…”
Love whispered to himself.
But suddenly, the frightened woman turned back toward him. Love held his breath, thinking she might have heard him.
For a brief moment…
Love thought their eyes met.
Who was this woman?
In the next instant, Love felt as if he was being pulled into her eyes. His head spun violently, like someone had grabbed his legs and swung him around until his body floated parallel to the ground. His body became weightless. He heard countless sounds echoing inside his head.
People talking.
Laughing.
Crying.
Screaming.
Everything overlapped until his ears felt like they were going to split from the pain. At the same time, images flooded into his mind.
Images that looked like they had been recorded through an old flip-phone camera.
They showed events Love had never known about before. What was happening? Was he going to die?
“Kalaha!”
The voice rang out clearly.
The voice of a small young woman shouting the name of another woman.
That woman…
The girl who had run down from his grandfather’s house.
She was Kalaha.
The ghost who had followed him since he was old enough to remember. Kalaha was a slender young woman with a tall figure. Her skin was pale and smooth. Her eyes were large and round like a deer’s. Her jet-black hair had a
bunch of white gardenia flowers pinned into it.
She smiled brightly.
She loved making playful expressions.
She was restless and always moving.
She ran everywhere until adults shouted at her from morning until evening.
But she never learned her lesson.
She laughed happily and jumped around…
Every time she was about to be punished, she would run away from the cane to a house at the edge of the village. She would climb the small staircase at the back of the house and knock on the wooden window three times. A few seconds later, a young woman would open it.
Kahala called her Janda.
She was a pretty girl with delicate features, looking like a mixture of Chinese heritage. The two little fangs that showed whenever she smiled made her look like an adorable kitten.
They kissed. Again and again.
Rak saw nothing but images of those two women holding each other, kissing, and touching whenever they had the chance. They rolled around together in Janda’s bedroom, secretly embraced and kissed in the forest, caressed each other by the stream, and even held hands in the shadows during village celebrations where everyone else was singing and dancing happily.
Kahala was the daughter of the village chief. Janda was the daughter of a weaving family. And they were lovers. Lovers who could only exchange secret glances when elders were around. Lovers who already had arranged partners waiting for them. Lovers who would never be accepted. And if they were discovered, they would be punished as though they were no longer human.
Because they had committed a “sin against spirits.” They were considered abnormal—a disgrace to their families. That was why they had to hide this pure love away. Keep it in the darkness. Make sure no one suspects anything. Wait for the day when they would finally be ready to run away together. But unfortunately, this was not a fairytale romance. The day they were ready never came.
The villagers caught them red-handed—in the bedroom. Kahala was locked inside the house, watched by servants day and night. Her engagement to the man chosen for her was immediately pushed forward because her parents were afraid. They feared that news of their daughter’s “unnatural” relationship would spread. No one would accept someone who had “broken the rules of society.” And their daughter was not only seen as having broken tradition—she was seen as unnatural, someone who had abandoned their ancestors’ ways, someone who loved and desired another woman.
If the villagers found out, no man would ever accept Kahala as a wife, and she would be driven out of the village. So she had to marry as quickly as possible. The wedding ended without a single smile from Kahala. She did everything the adults told her to do—not because she obeyed them, but because she had decided this would be the last thing she did to survive.
Tonight, she and Janda would run away together. They would go somewhere far away, so far that her parents could never find them.
They would finally be able to live together without anyone stopping them. That was only the beautiful dream inside her head. Because Kahala and Janda running away hand in hand never happened.
Janda did not even live long enough to see Kahala’s wedding day. She was beaten to death by her own father. He threw a weaving loom at her. Blood covered her body, and she died in the garden behind her house.
Kahala never even got to see her lover’s body.
She only saw a grave—a meaningless hole beside the house. Janda’s parents did not even hold a funeral ceremony for her. They let her die and buried her like an animal. That was the final straw. Kahala hung herself alone in the forest. And her final thought before she died was: “You disgusting freak.”
Those words repeated over and over inside Rak’s head, as if they were meant to confirm that there was something wrong with him.
Everything became dark. Cold. Hopeless. It made Rak shiver in fear until a familiar voice suddenly broke through the silence.
“I know you’re worried about Rak. You don’t want him to end up like you and your lover. But things aren’t the same anymore. The world has changed. It’s still not perfect, but there’s more hope now. Trust me.”
Van.
It was Van’s voice.
He was talking to Kahala.
Where was he?
His room at the club?
“It’s going to hurt. He’s going to be disappointed in something eventually. Rak might choose a man. He might choose friends who are stupid and clueless. But those are his choices. If he gets hurt, he has to deal with the consequences himself. That’s life. Everyone gets hurt. But eventually, everyone heals.”
Van was explaining everything at length to the spirit he once insisted did not exist. He was kneeling in the middle of the room, searching for every reason and every argument he could think of to convince her. To make her change her mind.
“Being gay isn’t easy. I know that. Society acts as if it understands, but it doesn’t completely understand. People tolerate it, but they don’t always accept it. I know all of this. Rak knows too. But Rak has chosen the kind of life he wants to live. You should let him go. Everyone doesn’t have to have the same ending. And you don’t have the right to control someone else’s life.”
Rak himself was hoping she would change her mind. Hoping that Van’s rough, blunt words could reach a heart that had been wounded and torn apart for hundreds of years.
“You once chose to die because of love. So what’s wrong with Rak? Is he not allowed to love too?”
That’s right.
He just wanted to love someone…
Was that really so wrong?
“Let’s do this. I’ll guarantee it myself. Let Rak go. From now on, if being gay ruins his life, you can come after me. I’ll take responsibility.”
“How will you take responsibility?” Kahala asked coldly.
“Anything. Whatever you want, tell me.”
Kahala went silent for a moment.
Rak suddenly felt uneasy. He didn’t think Van should be saying something like that to a spirit whose heart was filled with so much pain and hatred.
“Your life,” she said with a chilling smile. “If Rak gets hurt, you die. How about that?”
No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Don’t agree, P’Van.
Don’t you dare.
“You’re asking for my life?” Van gave an awkward smile.
Rak felt a tiny spark of hope. At least Van should have enough sense not to make such a dangerous promise.
“That’s pretty brutal, isn’t it?”
“You don’t have to answer right now.” The female ghost let out a mocking laugh. “Go think about it. Whenever you’re ready, light the incense and call me. I’ll come.”
Then everything spun again. The images of Van and Kahala twisted together like water mixed with paint in a brush-washing jar. They melted into each other, becoming nothing but blurry colours. Then Kahala’s voice echoed again.
“Are you sure?”
Sure…
Sure about what?
What was she asking?
“I’m sure.”
Van’s voice answered firmly.
Rak’s heart pounded violently with fear.
He was terrified.
Terrified that this was the answer to that question.
“From now on…”
Kahala’s voice was low.
“Your life… belongs to me.”
No.
Why?
Why would he do that?
Was he stupid?
He was truly stupid.
That damn idiot…
No.
No way.
He agreed?
Why would he agree?
Trading his life?
Why?
What was he thinking?
That bastard was insane. Using his own life as a guarantee for someone else’s…
“Gasp!”
Rak jolted awake.
One month after the major earthquake, Van returned home for the first time. He didn’t tell anyone except his parents because he didn’t want another grand welcoming ceremony like the one they had given him when he left a year ago.
And he didn’t go anywhere.
He just stayed at home.
Sitting.
Sleeping.
Eating.
Sleeping.
Eating.
Sitting.
Sleeping.
Until his mother finally asked:
“Why the hell did you come home, Van?”
Honestly, saying he returned without any plan at all would not be completely true. He did have a plan. He had thought about it again and again while he was in Japan. But once he actually arrived back in Thailand, he lost his courage.
He locked himself in his room, overthinking everything and wondering if coming back had been a mistake.
About a week after Rak called him, Van dreamed of Kahala for the first time in a year.
The first time she appeared in his dreams was during the early days when he had accepted Rak’s job. After that, she appeared many more times while they were living together. He just never told Rak. Because he thought it would only make Rak more afraid. And partly because he thought it would be easier if Rak only knew what was necessary.
Van never reported every time Kahala appeared. He only told Rak about the times when he thought Rak needed to know. And he only shared the parts that he believed wouldn’t make Rak’s life harder.
Rak’s understanding of Kahala came only from what Van told him, combined with what he experienced himself. (Most of those experiences were unpleasant.) Because of that, Rak’s image of Kahala became one of a vengeful ghost—a spirit obsessed with violence. She acted that way in front of Rak because she wanted him to fear her. But when she needed to communicate with Van alone, she was almost friendly.
Kahala contacted Van both through dreams and through direct appearances. She usually came to him calmly, with sadness in her eyes, and slowly revealed pieces of her story.
From her childhood to the time she became a young woman. Her family. And the story of Janda—the person she loved.
Van wasn’t sure why she chose to tell him everything. Maybe because he was the only person who wasn’t afraid of her, or maybe it was because he wouldn’t stop nagging her.
Little by little, she lowered her defences. Layer by layer. Until eventually, Van understood why this ghost kept interfering with everyone who entered Rak’s life. No… actually, it wasn’t everyone. Kahala explained that besides the men who became involved with Rak, there were many friends she had removed from his life because she sensed they were bad people.
Some secretly gossiped about him. Some approached him with impure intentions. She didn’t want Rak to get hurt, so she tried to push those people away. But not everyone who disappeared was her doing.
Some friends naturally drifted away with time.
Others disappeared because Rak himself couldn’t hold onto them. Because Rak had never been confident in himself. He believed that having a ghost following him made his life dark and lonely. So, little by little, he built walls around himself to keep everyone out. And he lived believing that he was someone nobody wanted.
Even after understanding both sides of the story, Van still believed that Rak deserved freedom. No matter how messy or painful the road ahead might be. In the end, Rak had to experience and learn things for himself. What was the point of breathing every day while someone else held his hand, guided every step he took, and covered his eyes and ears from the world? When the time came to hurt, he had to hurt. That was what Van believed. And that was why he made his offer to Kahala—Rak’s freedom in exchange for his life.
Van didn’t know whether it would be worth it. He didn’t know how many days he had left to live. But something inside him told him to do it.
So he did. He had always lived by trusting his instincts. And he was still alive because of it. So trusting them one more time probably wouldn’t hurt.
Until the night Kahala appeared in his dream.
“Rak is hurting. His life is falling apart because of a man. It’s time for you to die.”
And many more times throughout the following week. The message was always the same. It’s time to die. Van didn’t want to believe she was actually serious. But judging from her attitude, she didn’t seem like she was joking. So Van asked for one more week to prepare himself. (Starting from the last dream.)
His reason was that he wanted to meet Rak himself. He wanted to see with his own eyes whether Rak was truly suffering because of his life. If everything were exactly as Kahala said, then he would accept his fate as promised. No negotiation.
But three days had already passed. And Van was still just as scared as before. He didn’t dare see Rak. He didn’t even dare call or send him a message. He didn’t know what he was afraid of. He was going to die anyway. If there was something he needed to do, he should finish it. But… things were never that simple.
Van guessed Rak had probably broken up with Karn. The reason was likely because Karn’s status had changed. Even though Van was in Japan, he still followed what was happening in Thailand. So he knew how famous Karn had become. The constant attention and enormous pressure probably caused one of them to decide to end the relationship. And both of them were probably hurt. But if Van analysed it honestly, he thought Rak was probably suffering more. Because Rak was the one at a disadvantage in every way. And most importantly— Rak was sensitive, especially when it came to relationships.
Is he still crying tonight? Or if he finally stopped crying… will he start again when I call?
Before Van left for Japan, Rak cried. During their last conversation, Rak cried the entire time. Van never thought he would want to see Rak cry this often. But maybe it was because he himself was always the reason Rak shed tears.
Sigh…
But I really miss him.
I’ll gather my courage for one more day, then call him.
“Let me know if you need anything.”
“Okay. Thank you very much.”
Rak politely thanked Linda. She smiled before walking away, probably because she knew that today Rak didn’t want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to sit quietly and drink alone in a familiar place.
Rak came to the Crow Club often. He had brought Karn and Mameaw here once or twice because they had insisted. But most of the time, Rak still came alone. Because every time he came here, there was always some heavy feeling swirling inside him. Something he was too tired to put into words. He just wanted to sit silently and let those feelings spin around.
Then slowly use alcohol to erase them from his heart.
If someone asked whether he came here because he missed someone…Rak probably wouldn’t deny it. Of course he did. He missed that bastard every time he came here.
**[ aw now I'm crying again ๐ญ๐ญ why do I translate these books when they always make me cry? ๐๐ญ]**
He looked at that red door and secretly hoped—hoped that it would open. And that bastard would walk out. Smiling mischievously.
Greeting him with that annoying voice: “Drinking alone again, sweetheart?”
After three strong drinks…Rak saw him walk out from that door. Already completely drunk.
Today, he had definitely gone past his limit.
“Drinking alone, sweetheart?”
Even the words were exactly like what he had imagined. If it weren’t because he was so drunk, he would definitely think he was dreaming right now.
Lately, he had been like this quite often — dreaming about P’Van. Dreaming that they were together. Dreaming that they talked. Dreaming that they kissed. And, honestly, he admitted it like a man: he had dreamed about them doing that many times too. But the Van who appeared in his head was always too gentle and too sexy, so Rak was certain it had to be a dream.
“So, a heartbroken person came here to drink away his sadness?”
Rak's dream wasn’t over yet. The Van in his dream sat down on the empty chair beside him, resting his chin on his hand while looking at Rak with an annoyingly smug smile. He looked very different because of that light brown hair, but somehow, he was still unmistakably Van.
When Rak first saw this hair colour on Van’s Instagram, he admitted that he almost fell for this bastard all over again. But then he remembered that the reason Van probably dyed his hair this normal, attractive colour was that Japanese girls liked it more. And immediately, Rak hated that hair colour.
“Have you been broken up with your boyfriend for long?”
Van kept asking questions without stopping. Rak was so annoyed that he couldn’t take it anymore. He raised his hand and pushed Van’s head once. The person being pushed let his head move along with the force. Why did it feel so real? That touch just now… Was it too realistic?
“P’Van…” Ruk called softly.
“Hm?”
The moment he saw the other person respond, Raks heart started beating faster and faster.
It felt real. But he still didn’t want to believe it.
He didn’t want to get happy only to cry later when he woke up and realised it had only been a dream.
“P’Van…”
Rak called him again.
“Mm? What is it, sweetheart?”
Not a dream.
It wasn’t… a dream.
Rak’s eyes widened as he stared at the man in front of him, unable to believe this was real. He wasn’t drunk and hallucinating. He wasn’t dreaming. The person sitting in front of him was real—the real Van. The bastard who had abandoned him and gone to Japan was sitting right in front of him now, smiling widely…
with that irritating, teasing expression.
“I thought I was drunk,” Rak said like someone lost in a daze. He slowly lifted his hand and placed it against Van’s cheek. It was warm and soft, exactly like he remembered.
“Are you real?”
“Of course I am. I came back for you.”
Fuck.
He was real.
“When did you come back?”
“Four days ago.”
“And you still didn’t call me?”
“I was preparing myself.” Van laughed awkwardly.
“I was planning to call you tonight. But you came here before I could.”
“You’re staying here?”
Rak raised an eyebrow in surprise.
“Yeah. I came to see those guys, and I was planning to sleep here tonight.”
Van nodded slowly. He lifted his hand and covered Rak’s hand that was resting on his cheek. He gently held it before naturally pulling it into his own grasp.
“I didn’t think I’d meet you here. At first, I thought Auntie was messing with me because I told her I missed you.”
Since when did he learn to do things like this?
“You missed me too, didn’t you? That’s why you didn’t believe I was real just now.”
The Japanese man smiled sweetly, shamelessly leaning his cheek into Rak's hand as if he had forgotten what he had done before leaving.
“Do you often get drunk and imagine me?”
Rak didn’t answer. Instead, he pulled his hand out of Van’s grasp and punched him lightly in the arm.
“Ow!” Van cried out, rubbing his arm.
“Still got a strong punch after not seeing each other for so long.”
The person with the strong punch didn’t reply.
Instead, he stood up from the table and suddenly rushed out of the shop. Van sat there looking completely confused for three seconds.
Then he quickly ran after him, without knowing what would happen next.
Van had no idea where Ruk was going. But judging from the expression on his face when he walked out, it definitely wasn’t because he suddenly decided he wanted to go home.
“Rak!”
Van chased after him, while the person being called only sped up his steps. Rak walked deeper into the alley, which was now dark and deserted. And this definitely wasn’t the way back to his home.
“Rak! What’s wrong?”
Rak didn’t answer. He kept walking quickly, escaping from Van as if he didn’t care where the path ahead would end.
“I understand you’re heartbroken, but calm down a little.”
Van finally caught up with him, but he still stayed a few steps behind because the person who walked like a national speed-walking champion refused to slow down.
“Easy for you to say. You weren’t the one who got hurt.”
Rak's voice was cold.
“Then why are you getting angry at me?”
“And why can’t I be angry?”
“Okay, you can be a little angry. But why aren’t you angry at Karn too?”
“Why would I be angry at Karn?”
Suddenly, Rak stopped walking. Van, who had been following behind him the entire way, almost crashed into him. Now they were standing in front of a public area in the middle of the alley. Usually, this was where children gathered to play on the playground equipment and where adults came to stretch their legs while gossiping about other people. But at this hour, there was no one there.
Nobody would want to come out and walk around here in the middle of the night, except for him and Ruk.
“I don’t know. What did you break up over?” Van asked, slightly out of breath. He had just realised that walking quickly could actually be exhausting.
“But whatever it was, it has nothing to do with me, right?”
“Why would you say that?” Rak frowned deeply. He looked even angrier than before.
“How can you say it has nothing to do with you?”
“Because you broke up with your boyfriend. How does that involve me?”
RK opened his mouth in disbelief. Van suddenly felt like he had just said something completely ridiculous, even though it was something Rak himself already knew. Why was Rak shaking his head and looking like he wanted to strangle him?
“Rak broke up with Karn,” Rak said quietly.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Almost two years ago.”
“Yeah, exactly—”
Van froze.
At first, he had been completely confident about everything he was saying. But now he had returned to the starting point: being an idiot.
“What do you mean?”
“Karn broke up with Rak almost two years ago. Because Rak was overthinking about the ghost and it made him uncomfortable. So Rak hired you to come and talk to the ghost…”
“Wait, wait, wait.”
The idiot raised his hand to stop him before Rak could start explaining the entire story again.
“You… didn’t get back together with Karn?”
“No.”
“Then why did you say you were heartbroken?”
“Because Rak fell for some bastard, and that bastard broke Rak’s heart and ran away to Japan.”
Van stood there with his mouth hanging open. He had misunderstood everything. The entire time, he had thought Rak and Karn had gotten back together before he flew to Japan. Because from secretly watching both of their Instagram accounts, it looked like they were always together. Karn was constantly at Rak's condo. They went to class together. They went out together. They spent festivals together. Even on the day Rak called him during the earthquake, the two of them were together. So how could Van have thought anything else?
“Why…?”
Van asked softly, as if even now he still couldn’t believe it.
“What do you mean, why what?”
“Why… didn’t you date Karn?”
Rak frowned and let out an irritated scoff. He clenched his fist as if he wanted to punch Van again, but in the end, he changed his mind.
“You’re seriously incredible, P’Van.”
Then Rak walked away from him again, his steps quick and sharp, like he couldn’t stand being around him. But because Van was the type of person who had no shame and could endure anything, he didn’t hesitate to run after him.
He followed Rak into the playground, where there was now only a single light from the pole in the middle of the area. The orange glow looked like the sunlight right before sunset. Van had only just noticed it now.
“Rak!”
“You’re seriously amazing. I don’t even know what to say.”
“Rak! Don’t walk away!”
Van grabbed Rak’s arm. Otherwise, they might end up playing chase all night. He held onto Rak’s arm tightly. Rak stopped walking, but instead of calming down, he turned and gave Van a deadly glare. Van immediately released his hand without thinking and quickly defended himself.
“I wasn’t raising my voice.”
“But you were loud just now.”
“I was afraid you wouldn’t hear me. You were walking so fast.”
Rak took several deep breaths, like he was trying to stop himself from exploding. But judging from the situation, it probably wasn’t working very well. Because the moment he turned around and saw Van’s face, it looked like he was about to transform again.
“Rak, I'm sorry. I really didn’t know about Kar.”
Van spoke with guilt, while at the same time feeling completely confused.
“I thought you two were together and had only just broken up…”
“Why did you think we had only just broken up?”
Rak turned his eyes sharply toward Van.
“Forget the part where you thought we got back together. But why did you think we broke up?”
“Because Kala told me.”
“Kala?”
“Kala said…”
Van didn’t dare continue. Because he had only just remembered that he had never told Rak about the agreement between himself and Kala. And if he told him now, there was a very high chance Rak would explode again. And this time, it might be a nuclear-level explosion.
“Uh… well…”
“She told you Rak wasn’t happy, and then you had to die, right?”
Van’s mouth dropped open. But this time, his eyes widened like goose eggs. A chill ran through his entire body when he heard that sentence. It felt as if the gates of hell had suddenly opened in front of him, waiting for him to throw everything away and walk inside himself.
“Why?” Rak mocked.
“Do you think you’re the only one who’s smart? The only one who knows everything?”
“Rak, how do you know?”
“And how do you think I know?”
Van didn’t need Rak to say the name directly.
He already knew exactly who had told him about the agreement. Because besides him, the only other person who knew was Kala.
But Van had no idea when she had betrayed their agreement, or why. But one thing was certain: This was clearly a violation of their deal.
What could he even do?
Could he sue a ghost?
Where would he go?
A court for spirits?
“P’Van, how long were you planning to keep doing this?”
Rak's voice became sharper.
“And how did you want me to feel, huh? Did you think I would thank you because you acted like some hero, sacrificing everything for me? But refusing to be with me? Is that supposed to be cool?”
There was nothing more painful than being looked at with disappointment, especially by the person he wanted to give the best things in his life to.
Van thought Rak probably had no idea how much influence he had over his life.
“I wasn’t trying to look cool, Rak.”
Van’s voice was quiet.
“If I wanted to look cool, I would’ve thrown everything away and stayed here with you.
I wouldn’t have gone to Japan. I would’ve stayed here, asked you to be my boyfriend, and told Kala to go to hell.”
This was Van’s greatest honesty. He stripped away everything and revealed the pathetic, cowardly side he had hidden inside himself in front of Rak without shame.
“But I still had to go.”
“And I still don’t know what I’m going to do about my future.”
“But one thing I know for sure is that I couldn’t leave you waiting alone.”
“Do you understand, Rak?”
“I couldn’t do that.”
“That’s why I had to do whatever I could to make sure you had someone beside you.”
“So you wouldn’t have to feel like you were alone.”
“If we were together, even if I were in Japan, you wouldn’t feel like you were alone.”
“You don’t know that, Rak. When the time actually comes, it isn’t as easy as you think. When an important day comes, and I can’t be there… when you’re tired, when you’re hurt, and all I can do is comfort you through a phone call… It's not the same as having someone beside you. Someone who can come to you whenever you want to see them. It’s not the same.”
“Then why don’t we just try first?!” Rak shouted.
Van felt a tightness in his chest, knowing he was about to make Rak cry again.
“Just try! If it doesn’t work, then we break up! Don’t just think for yourself, decide everything yourself, and convince yourself that you know what will make me happy! Ask me first! Even if in the end I really do fall for someone else, even if I really end up dating someone else… how do you think I’ll feel when I find out that the happiness I have now came at the cost of your life? Do you think I’ll be happy when you’re dead?!”
“Rak…”
“You’re such an asshole! You’re really fucking awful!”
Van pulled Rak into a tight embrace. He had to use all his strength because Rak refused to cooperate. Rak tried to push him away, repeatedly hitting his shoulders, but Van knew what he needed to do. He knew that if he held Rak tightly enough, Rak would understand.
“You’re seriously the worst… I shouldn’t have fallen for you…”
Rak’s words came out mixed with sobs. He was still hitting Van, but he wasn’t trying to push him away anymore. Instead, Van felt Rak’s arms slowly wrap around him.
“Every single thing you do gives me something to curse you for. Are you crazy, P’Van? Is this really all you could think of?”
“Yeah… I’m sorry.”
“I’m not letting you die. I haven’t given up yet.”
Rak buried his face against Van’s shoulder, crying until his body trembled.
“People who love each other fight sometimes, you know, Kahla… I won’t let you… don’t take this bastard away…”
Rak spoke as if he knew Kahla could hear him. He cried and begged for Van’s life while holding him, as though he knew someone was standing behind them, crying together with him.
Kahla appeared before Van in the same form he had seen in his vision. Not the vengeful ghost with a pale, terrifying face and hatred in her eyes. But Kahla—the young woman from the forest village who had been punished simply because she fell in love with another woman. She had lingered beside her descendants for hundreds of years, believing that she was wrong, that her love was unnatural, that she was a mistake. And because of that, she was afraid Rak would end up the same way she did.
“I never wanted Kahla to do this…”
Rak sobbed, unaware of anything around him. Only Van could see her, and he pleaded with her through his eyes.
“Janda… she always thought Kahla was a good person…”
Tears flowed down the cheeks of the young woman. The name of her beloved had not been spoken by anyone for hundreds of years. Today, Rak said it aloud. And it felt as though Janda had come back to life.
“I don’t regret falling in love with a man… I don’t regret loving who I love, Kahla… please bless me…”
Van looked at Kahla and silently mouthed:
“Please.”
Kahla sobbed softly before finally nodding.
“You don’t have to run away anymore, Janda.”
Kahla’s voice echoed inside Van’s mind. It was calm and free of the hatred and vengeance she had always carried before. And Van realised she wasn’t just whispering about Janda, her lost lover. She was speaking to him.
Kahla called him Janda. She smiled through her tears. It was the same gentle, kind smile Van had seen in his vision—the smile that belonged to Janda and had disappeared for a hundred years. But now it shone beautifully again, because she had finally seen the person she loved escape the prison that had trapped her for generations.
Then she slowly faded away. Leaving behind only an emptiness in Van’s heart and tears running down both sides of his face.
“No crying… don’t cry anymore.”
When reality returned, Van gently stroked Rak’s head and comforted him.
“Are you going to die…?”
Rak still hadn’t stopped sobbing. His childish, trembling voice made Van unable to stop himself from smiling.
“Tell Kahla quickly not to let you die. Then I’ll stop crying. Don’t die, okay?”
“You’re not going to die. So stop crying.”
“How do you know…? Are you lying to me again…?”
“I’m not lying. I really won’t die.”
Van gently pushed Rak’s shoulders away so he could look at the crying man’s face. He wiped away his tears softly, even though new ones immediately replaced them. Still, Van wanted to keep wiping them away forever without getting tired.
“She gave up. She listened to you.”
“Really?” Rak asked with a blank expression.
“She gave up?”
“Yeah.” Van nodded. “I think it’s going to be okay now… as long as I don’t make you sad again.”
“Then you’ll definitely die soon…”
“Shh…”
Van quickly covered Rak’s mouth before he could say any more ominous predictions. He took Rak by the hand and led him to sit on the swing. Van crouched down in front of him, wiping away his tears for what was probably the fourth or fifth time. He held Rak’s hand and gently ran his fingers over the back of it, comforting him instead. He thought Rak had cried enough already.
“Don’t cry anymore. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too for hitting you,” Rak said, still sniffling softly. “I’ll try to stop. It’s a bad habit. I know.”
“Actually, you can hit me lightly if you want. Just don’t hit me until I end up in the hospital.”
“I’ll try.”
Van laughed.
He looked down at their hands intertwined, staring at the familiar bracelet around Rak’s wrist, and couldn’t stop himself from smiling.
He hadn’t noticed that Rak had been wearing it all this time.
Honestly, Van still wasn’t sure whether Rak wore it because he wanted to match with Karn, or because Van was the one who gave it to him. But there was no way he was asking about that now. Not after nearly getting punched again.
“You know I still have to go back to Japan, right?” Van said softly.
“I know,” Rak replied, sniffling. “Then go back.”
“But this time… can I go back as someone who already has a boyfriend?”
“I don’t know.”
“Come on… my dear," Van whined, resting his face against Rak’s knee.
“After everything that happened, stop pretending you’re not interested.”
“You bastard.”
“I know. This bastard is going to become a better person for you.”
The bastard lifted his head and looked at Rak with the most pleading, affectionate eyes he could manage. Normally, Rak would probably have wanted to kick him until he fell over. But right now, he couldn’t deny it. P’Van doing this was genuinely adorable.
“Will you be my boyfriend?”
Rak didn’t answer immediately. He pressed his lips together tightly, looking like he was seriously thinking about it. Honestly, that expression made Van’s heart sink.
“But Rak… I still have a ghost.”
“It’s okay. I’m not afraid of ghosts.”
“What if I get angry at you? Will you die?”
“That’s okay. Then you’ll have one more ghost.”
Rak tried to hold back his smile until his face turned red, but in the end, he lost. A wide smile spread across his face until his eyes closed. Then he threw himself forward and hugged the most lovable bastard in the world.
Van, caught completely off guard, fell backwards onto the ground with a painful thud. But his arms still wrapped tightly around the ghost-raising kid he loved.
“I really hate loving you,” Rak mumbled, still hugging Van tightly.
“After this, I’m definitely going to have something to complain about every day.”
“Shh… no. Don’t insult me.”
“But you deserve it.”
“Okay. For tonight, I’ll allow you one more sentence.” Van said. “Say whatever you want to me, but only one sentence.”
“What? Are you making fun of me?”
“Say it. Quickly.”
Rak stayed silent for a long while. Van laughed until his shoulders shook, thinking that Rak must be using serious consideration to decide what he wanted to spend his one sentence on. Whatever it was, it must be something extremely important.
Maybe… Rak was even going to tell him he loved him in a way he had never said before.
“Rak… I like P’Van when his hair is grey more.”
Or maybe… he had just expected too much.
“Are you serious, Rak?”
Van’s voice was completely flat, as if all his motivation to live had disappeared.
“Seriously. I don’t like the brown hair.”
“Then what do I do? Dye it back?”
“Yes.”
Rak answered with absolute certainty.
“Even while I’m in Japan?”
“Yes.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“Wow.”
“Can’t you?”
“No. I’ll go dye it back tomorrow.”
“Good boy. You bastard.”
“Yes, my dear.”
(The End)
โโโโ[changbins_delulu_wife]โโโโ
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