South; Beside the Sky. 

Chapter 7. Dreamed

 

"Per Torfan

I regret not writing a letter yesterday. Yesterday I lived with Phi Fah (again) because the electricity in the dorm went out. Phi Fah said my dorm wasn't good, so he'd find me a new one. Great, right? At noon, Uncle Kong came to visit me. He told me about his father.

 

"Fan, you know, Dad is so cruel to me." I'm sorry. I shouldn't have scolded Dad like that, but I don't know if saying I'm disappointed is true. Because I don't expect anything; it's not like losing feelings because those feelings are gone. It was a feeling I knew deep down, even if I'd never thought about it. But when Dad did that, I wasn't surprised at all.

 

Dad is sending me away to study because he doesn't want me anywhere near Phi Phi. I asked Uncle Kong for help talking to my dad, and he told me to give him just a month, then I'd leave. I won't be with Phi Fah anymore. Even though I've always wanted to meet him. But after meeting him for a while, we had to separate again. Just thinking about it scares me. But maybe it's not such a bad thing. At least I can meet Phi Fah, right?

 

Over the past few days, I've learned what it feels like to lie. It's heartbreaking.

At first, I considered telling Phi Fah the truth, but the time I spent with him diminished when my dad called and told me to. I want to make every minute of this month precious, so I can spend it with Phi Fah as much as possible.

 

Even though he might feel annoyed. What can I do? I only have a month. After that, Phi Fah will be like an unattainable sky. I can only hope Phi Fah is happy. He would feel calmer if he didn't have to take care of me, and living with me must be very difficult. Going is the best thing for Phi Fah. May I be blessed too. Greetings from the one who always misses you, Phoon."

 

I wanted to write more about my dream, but I closed the letter and kept it in the drawer because I wasn't ready. I quickly raised my hand to wipe away my tears. Now, this page is full of tears. My gaze fell on Fan's photo in front of me. It was a smile that always healed me, on sad days and happy ones alike. Your smile will improve today, and I will get through this. I will get through this.

 

As usual, I was surprised when the phone rang. I had just hung up on Phi Fah. This time, it was Uncle Kong. The name shocked me. I hope it's good news.

 

“Yes?” my voice came from the other end of the phone.

[This is Phoon's request.]

 

"Yes, what did you say?"

[He didn't allow it.]

 

I bit my lip hard, as if my heart had disappeared.

[I'll try to talk to him again and tell you about it.]

 

"Thank you, uncle."

[Hmm, don't stress too much.]

 

"YES."

 

I hung up the phone before the tears came out of nowhere and began to flow slowly. Damn. My head hurts. Whenever I cry a lot, my head always hurts so much. I raised my hand and massaged my eyebrows and temples for a while. I hope this helps ease the headache. Some headaches can go away. I waited for my dad to answer the phone before calling him.

 

[What's wrong?]

"About the university. I want to study here."

 

[Who do you think pays for your college? Do you know how much it costs to send you to school? Since I'm paying, I can choose where you study.]

 

"If I study elsewhere, I have to pay another exam registration fee."

 

"Let me study here. I won't disturb Phi Fah. Just a month, please."

[Kong told me that a month is too long!]

 

"Well."

[Two weeks.]

 

"A month, please."

[I cannot.]

 

"Why are you so mean, even though I'm your son? I'm your son, whether you like it or not. Dad might think I'm a mistake, but it's your fault. Look at me. Dad made this mistake. Because YOU cheated on your wife."

 

[TYPHOON!!]

"Yes, that's right. I'm Typhoon. Phoon. YOUR SON. Legally, biologically, I'm your son. What do you want from me?!"

 

I started sobbing and screaming like I rarely did. But now I'm unconscious and can't control myself. I feel like I'm about to collapse again.

 

"Dad. I asked you what you want?"

[I want you to stay away from that family.]

 

"Because you're embarrassed. Very embarrassing, isn't it? You're so embarrassed. It's a good thing I'm embarrassed, because it's Dad's fault!"

[OH!!]

 

The tone of his voice indicated that his father was angry. He was furious, as usual, when a situation like this arose. I'm relieved, at least this was conveyed over the phone. Otherwise, everything could have been more serious.

 

"Dad blames me? Why blame me? What am I doing? Since I was born, I haven't been able to choose. Dad chooses. Hiks. If I could choose, I'd like to have a normal family like everyone else!"

 

I immediately hung up the phone without waiting for my father's response. I don't care anymore. I don't care what he said anymore. I'll be here. I'll be here. Whatever happens, I'll stay here. Please. Please don't take everything away from me again.

 

I sat there hugging my knees and crying for almost an hour. I didn't hear back from my dad, nor did anyone call. I hate it when I feel depressed and can't get up. It's like water that never ends. No matter what happens, the tears just keep flowing.

 

I sat weakly, leaning back in my chair. I stared at the white wall; perhaps it was one of the few times I'd yelled at my father. I'd yelled involuntarily. Do I want to have a normal family like everyone else? Yes... It could be natural. Many people are born that way, and not just parents. Those who become refugees don't need to cook delicious food. I have to make the bed, give a meaningful gift, or throw a party. I expect a normal family.

 

I don't need free time to travel or eat together during the holidays. All I need is someone who isn't going anywhere. Someone who cares about me, listens to my story, and asks me about my situation. And the sad thing is: who is that? It's the person I've ever had.

 

I slowly got up from the chair and sat on the bed. I hugged the teddy bear Fan had bought, hugged him tightly, and cried again. Fan is family. The only thing I have, and I can't keep her. We broke up before we could finish everything. At the time, we were still arguing, and I was still stubborn and didn't treat her well. I didn't even have the chance to apologise. As for Fan, there was no way she could go back and hear my apologies. When I lost her, I realised that, as much as I regret it, I will never be forgiven. "Sorry. I'm so sorry."

 

Almost two hours passed in tears, until I felt tired. I tried to survive, getting up to wash my face, making some hot tea and drinking it, hoping it would make me feel better. I saw the teddy bear I had just hugged tightly. I should wash it because it's already dirty. My eyelids feel heavy. My head and eyes hurt, but this isn't unusual. It happens often. How can I believe these tears will never end?

 

While I was resting, I took the used tea bag I'd removed, let it cool for a bit, and then applied it to my eyes. It helps relieve the swelling. Fan taught me this trick. I turned toward the door when I heard a knock. I went to see who was coming in, and it turned out to be Phi Fah. Why, what's wrong?

 

"Phi." I slowly opened the door, staring in confusion at the person standing in front of me. "Phi Fah, is something going on?"

 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. But now, do you want to stay with me?" Phi Fah asked with a slight smile.

 

"Why?" I raised my eyebrows, confused by the words he had spoken.

 

"I haven't found a new dorm yet. This one isn't much better. The power's going to go out again. What are you going to do?"

 

"Oh, yeah," I nodded. "I'll pack my things for a bit," I said before returning to the room. Phi Fah is excellent, but this is still a plus for me.

 

"Can I come in?"

 

"Yes," I replied without thinking twice. I'd forgotten there were only photos of Fan on the wall; the entire wall was covered with them. I immediately turned and saw Phi Fah, staring at the photos with a surprised expression.

 

"Hmm... Fan? Not much has changed," Phi Fah said, smiling, before his surprised expression slowly softened. "Where is this?" he pointed to a photo.

 

"Oh. Rayong, maybe?" I looked at the photo and tried to remember. "Maybe." Then I looked at the tea bag I'd used to dab my eyes. Is it weird that tea bags are used on the table? I rushed to get my things ready as quickly as possible. If Phi Fah is paying too much attention to my things, that's not a good sign.

 

"Oh, Phi Fah, this morning when you went out, a guy named Hill called you," I remembered as we walked to the car. "He asked you to call him back."

 

"Ah. Phoon, did you answer the phone?" Phi Fah turned to ask. I nodded. "Later, you won't have to answer my phone anymore."

 

"Okay," I said, no need to get annoyed. Maybe Phi Fah doesn't like anyone else touching his phone. By the way, what pressing matter forced Phi Fah to leave in a hurry this morning? As much as I'd like to know, it's best not to ask. It's none of my business; it's his business.

 

I heard the phone ring again. It was a call from Uncle Kong. Subconsciously, I took a deep breath before asking permission to speak on the phone.

 

"Phi Fah, you can wait in the car first. I want to talk on the phone for a moment," I said.

 

"Yes," Phi Fah replied before waiting for the car. Then I walked away and pressed the button to answer the phone.

 

"Yes, uncle."

 

[Phoon, are you talking about something? Rit is very angry.]

 

"Yes, I just did." My brow furrowed, and I felt tense, ready to be scolded. Had it happened again?

 

[Oh, forget it. Let's say Rit gave up. At first, he said he'd only give you two weeks, but I tried to talk to him. He agreed to a month.]

 

"Truly?"

[Yes, one month, then don't interfere anymore.]

 

"YES."

 

Surprisingly, a part of me felt secretly happy that my father had allowed me to live with Phi Fah for another month. But on the other hand, my heart felt empty and scared.

 

[Oh, sorry. I'd be happy if I could help you.]

 

"Okay, ah. That's all. Thank you so much," I said, smiling despite my bitterness.

 

[Phoon... be patient.]

“Everything will get better, right?” I repeated my uncle’s words.

 

[YES.]

"Yes, then I'll hang up right away."

 

[Yes, see you later.]

"YES."

 

I hung up the phone, looked at the screen for a moment, and then put it back in my pocket. Be patient. Everything will get better soon. I hate those words. "Get well soon?" I just use them for fun. How long have I been going through this? I haven't seen any improvement. Will I get better soon? When? Should I be patient? Where should I be patient? I can't take it anymore. Should I keep putting up with it?

 

"Are you okay?" That was the first thing Phi Fah asked me when I got in the car. His expression seemed a little worried, which made me smile.

 

"Why?"

 

"You look a little pale."

 

"OH..."

 

"Do you want to go to the doctor? I have free time now."

 

"Ask the doctor?" I turned to ask, surprised. It could be the same thing as before.

 

"Even if I went to check, I might find nothing but lack of food and sleep."

 

"It must be so."

"Yes." I nodded.

 

"So, can I stop by and buy something?"

 

"What do you want to buy?"

 

"A gift."

 

"A gift?"

 

"Yes, tomorrow is my friend's birthday and I don't have a present yet."

 

"Oh, okay."

 

"Can Phoon help Phi Fah choose a gift?"

 

"I'm not sure I can help you."

 

"Everything is fine."

 

The luxury car pulled into the underground parking lot of a large shopping mall; I followed Phi Fah. I didn't know what kind of gift I wanted, and we wandered around several stores.

 

"I came to see things like this a few days ago. But I don't know what to buy," said Phi Fah, reaching into his pants pocket and looking bored. Does he realise that by doing so, he's making himself the centre of attention of passersby?

 

Unfortunately, I didn't bring my camera right now. If I took a photo now, it might be suitable, like a photo for a clothing ad. But it's still nice to bring a camera just to take pictures.

 

"Do you have any idea what items can be purchased?"

 

"Not at all. How's Phi Fah's friend? Maybe she can help me decide what kind of gift would be appropriate."

 

"Ah... here he is, calling at the right time. Please wait here a moment," Phi Fah said after taking out his phone and looking at it. I nodded as if I understood, then sat down on the clothing store bench and waited.

 

"What?"

[TonFah]

 

"What?"

[You're annoying.]

 

"Why?"

[Your ex called me this morning, fifteen times, damn it.]

 

"Call you too?"

[Oh, what's the problem? Why does he always have to call?]

 

"Could there be a problem with his new girlfriend?

 

[Stupid.]

"Wow, he's in trouble."

 

[Problem? Damn. I want to sleep. I blocked the number.]

"Yeah, just block it. Hill blocked it, too."

 

[So, when will this stop bothering me?]

"I do not know."

 

Oh, you don't know anything. He called me and immediately offered to pick me up.

 

"He's in trouble. What should I do?"

[Shut up. Let me handle this.]

 

"Why?"

 

"Stay there. That's enough."

 

"Jo, don't do anything. When did I tell you what you were supposed to do? You really can't trust yourself. You're a troublemaker. I'll take care of it, I won't bother you."

 

[TonFah]

"I know, what do you want to tell me?"

 

[Even if you don't say it.]

"Where do you know?"

 

[a]

"You look like you're angry."

 

[I've been annoyed since this morning.]

"Whose voice is that?"

 

[Porcelain.]

"Mrs China?"

 

He called me again to ask me to send him something he wanted to buy. I've bought it so many times that I'm thinking of opening a thrift store.

 

"Oh, I heard you helped your mom lift things."

[Oh, I thought you wanted to give me something?]

 

"I'll buy you something for your birthday. I don't know what to get. Do you want something special?"

 

[Haven't you thought of surprising me?]

"No, just say what you want."

 

[Is that all you can do? You don't have to buy it. I don't need anything.]

"So what should I buy?"

 

[You can buy anything.]

"Well."

Mmm...

 

"Do you want to go to another store?" Phi Fah returned to where I was sitting, waiting. I nodded before continuing on to another store. Apparently, Phi Fah has no idea how to buy anything. We walked almost the entire floor.

 

"I'm sorry, you're tired of carrying yourself here."

 

“Okay,” I replied, shaking my head slightly, not looking tired.

 

"Should I buy him a sweater?"

 

"Looks good."

 

"Um... but he has a lot of sweaters."

"What does Phi Fah's friend look like?" I asked again with the same question. "So I can help you choose a gift."

"Um... well, it's hard to explain. But he's a guy who has everything. That's why it's hard to find things to buy."

 

"Is he rich enough?"

 

"You could say rich."

 

"Oh..." I was silent for a moment as I thought.

 

"So why don't you give the gift yourself? It'll be the only thing that will have any meaning."

 

"Phi's too busy to do anything with him," Phi Fah said before looking away and heading toward a store. "Let's stop by." I followed Phi Fah inside. A rather expensive clothing store.

 

"Which one is good?" asked Phi Fah, pointing to the two sweaters hanging on the wall. They're both beautiful. Which one is better?

 

"Uh. I can't choose."

 

"You can choose the one you like best."

 

"And."

 

"Just choose. Don't think about it too much."

 

"Then the one on the left."

 

Then Phi Fah picked up the left sweater and went to pay. I secretly glanced at the bill, about five figures. But I don't know the exact amount. Is it tens of thousands? Other than that, I choose what I like. If I like it, that person doesn't.

 

When we got back to the car to go home to the apartment building, I asked, "If I like it but he doesn't, what happens?"

 

"No problem. He can buy anything. I can't choose on my own. It's also good to ask for your help choosing," Phi Fah replied reassuringly. He looked in the rearview mirror and slowly turned the wheel. The luxury cars began to pull out of the parking lot.

 

Today I went to help Phi Fah choose. It was really nice. But little things like that are enough. My dad also let me live here. Even if it's not the best, it's already a good thing.

 

"Phi's going to a friend's birthday party tomorrow," Phi Fah said, already in the room. "I was looking for something in my bag. I looked up, looking at him. I'll be home tonight."

 

"Oh, okay. So, do you want me to go back to the dorm room or..."

 

"You can stay here. Phi won't be gone long."

 

“Okay.” I nodded and smiled secretly.

 

"Don't drink too much," I thought, remembering it. My words made Phi Fah give a small, sweet smile.

 

"Yeah, Phi doesn't usually drink much."

 

"All right."

 

"Remember to check for information about the new room," Phi Fah repeated. "We'll find a new room the day after tomorrow."

 

"YES."

 

We cooked dinner together. It's not like breakfast, which never ends and eventually has to be thrown away. Then we sat on the couch and watched a movie together. What we did together today reminds me how happy I am to be with Phi Fah, and I still don't want to lose her. I don't want to lose you.

 

"Phoon."

 

"Oh, yeah?"

 

"What's wrong? The movie isn't funny?"

 

"Oh, no. I was just thinking of something funny." I quickly turned to the TV when I was caught staring at Phi Fah, and we finally finished the movie together. Has anyone ever seen a movie with Phi Fah? When I come back later, I want to remember this moment. There's nothing special about living with Phi Fah. But it makes me feel comfortable and safe, like having someone comfort me.

 

“Goodnight,” Phi Fah said as he closed the bedroom door.

 

"Are you sure you're going to sleep on the couch tonight?"

 

"Yes. Goodnight."

 

"Yes," Phi Fah smiled. Before the bedroom door closed, I lay down on the same large couch, covered by a thin blanket. I tried to close my eyes and sleep. Strangely, I fell asleep right away that night.

 

"Phoon."

 

"Hmm?"

"Get up."

 

Huh? It seems like the image in front of me is completely blurry. Some are pink, some are blue. A marble table appeared before me. The surrounding area slowly came into view, revealing the field in front of our house. Home? Why did I come home? I looked around in confusion. I looked at myself and realised I was wearing pyjamas. Is this a dream?

 

Then, the person sitting in front of me was... the face of the woman I always miss. She smiled sweetly and broadly. Thorfan sat on the marble bench opposite him. I immediately ran over to her.

 

"Faan, hiks..." I stopped in front of her and stood there crying. I've been praying all this time. I always ask for the blessing of meeting Fan. Even just in my dream is enough. I want to see you, I want to see you.

 

"Fan. Fan."

 

"Phoon, don't cry, sit down," said a sweet, familiar voice. I sat on the other side. Fan was wearing the last dress I'd seen that day. The day she'd been hit by a car.

"Fans. Why is this all so exciting?"

 

"Please don't cry."

 

A small, warm hand reached out and gently wiped away my tears, making me sob even harder. I reached up and took his hand.

 

"Fan, I miss you so much." I grabbed her hand and kissed it. My eyes were fixed on the person still smiling sweetly at me in front of me. Thank you. Thank you for still smiling at me.

 

"Fan. I always think of you. I always think of you."

 

"I know. Phoon tells me that every day."

 

"Excursions. Excursions."

 

"In the letter."

 

"Ah. Uh, huh?"

 

"I miss you even in my dreams."

 

"Hiks!" I sobbed until I couldn't breathe when I heard what he said. "Hiks!"

 

"Phoon."

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Do bad things always happen to you?"

 

"Sobbing!"

 

I had a million words to say. But now that she was back, I couldn't say a word; I just kept crying. I cried until I fainted, every sensation, every thought, everything piling up in my chest.

 

"Are you OK?"

 

"Sobbing..."

 

"Good, for everything you've been through."

 

"Fan... Hiks..." I still can't see anything because of the tears. The image in front of me is blurry, but when I realised I was dreaming, I started crying too.

"Eh, I'm sorry... once again, I'm sorry, I'm not by your side."

 

I squeezed Fan's hand tightly. I bowed my head and rested my forehead against his.

 

"Sorry... Eh. I apologise too. Sorry. Sorry."

 

"Calm down, everything's fine, there's no need to think about it."

 

"Because of Phoon, because of Phoon. Fan is dead."

 

The person in front of me smiled and shook his head gently.

 

"No, no."

 

Before the two hands slowly moved to cup my face, a pair of beautiful eyes stared intently at me, despite the tears still streaming down my cheeks.

 

"It's not your fault at all, Phoon."

 

"Ma, ma."

 

"Don't cry anymore, smart boy."

 

"Smile." I pursed my lips and nodded slightly before quickly wiping away my tears. "Thank you, thank you for everything."

 

"Phoon, eat more rice." Fan's words made my eyes widen again. I nodded slowly in agreement. "How's it going, Fan?"

 

There was no answer, but the tear-filled eyes shone sadly.

 

"Why can I only meet you now?"

 

"I always want to dream and see Fan at every moment."

 

"Yes," said a soft, gentle voice. His eyes and smile seemed so sad they broke your heart. His face was pale, and tears were streaming down his cheeks. "This is just a dream. What will Phoon dream about? It depends on your mood and feelings."

 

"Phoon's sadness is too deep."

 

"Fan."

 

"Hm."

 

"You're still with Phoon, right, Fan?"

 

"Fan hasn't gone anywhere, has he? Fan is always by Phoon's side, right?"

 

"I do not know."

 

"Eh, sorry. That must be heartbreaking, huh?"

 

"Phoon."

 

"smile."

 

"Listen."

 

"Hm."

 

"Maybe it's hard. But sometimes you have to be strong."

 

"In the end, we're all alone. Phoon is always dependent on others. But it's impossible to go on like this forever."

 

"But it's not easy right now, is it? Within a month, Fan will bring blessings so that Phoon will find only good things and fond memories. So, no matter how painful it is, you must be strong."

 

"Sobbing."

 

That warm hand gently caressed my face. "Whatever happens."

 

"Sobbing."

 

"Phoon, please love yourself as Fan loves you."

 

"Sobbing."

 

I opened my eyes and woke up. I slowly got up before I felt my heart pounding too hard and tears streaming down my face. I casually wiped away the tears, but when I  remembered the scene from earlier, I felt like crying again. Trying to calm myself for a moment, I slowly got up to wash my face and take a sip of water. I leaned against the kitchen table and looked out for a moment. My head was filled with confused thoughts.

 

Why did I dream like that? I dreamed a lot, it's true. But it's about the past. Or maybe the day I lost Fan. I've never had a dream like that before. I don't know what it is. What is a dream? Is Fan still by my side, or is it just my imagination? There's nothing I can answer. It's often said that dreams happen because we think a lot about that person and the story that happened to them. In that dream, there's a story we want to see come true. Because I want to meet them, to apologise, to be forgiven.

 

Fan read the letter as he spoke. Listening to my apology, that forgiveness, the warmth of a hand, a smile, a voice, the comfort, the attention, the good wishes, the words of love, those things... I don't know what the truth is. But even if it's just a dream. Even if you're gone, at least you're always there to help me.