South; Beside the Sky. 

Chapter 3. Thorfan

 

His gaze seemed filled with disappointment. I lowered my head, trying to avoid that look that pierced my heart. At that moment, it hurt so much I could barely breathe. My hands felt stiff and numb. I tried to walk, my lips pressed together to hold back the sound of sobs.

 

Please don't look at me like that.

Please, I hope you can understand.

 

"So, basically, you lied?"

 

"Did you lie, both in what you did and in what you told me?"

 

"Is there something else you're keeping from me?"

 

I, who should have had the answers, could only let the tears flow down my face, unable to hold them back. Fear hit me in waves until my body couldn't hold it back any longer. Phi Fah already knows this.

 

"You used to go out drinking at night, right? I don't remember you being such a bad boy when you were little. I thought Phi and Fan taught you to be a good boy."

 

"Honestly, I'm disappointed."

 

"You ruined everyone's feelings, especially Fan's. None of this would have happened if Fan hadn't come out that day. You do realise, right, that you were the one in the wrong?"

 

"YES."

 

"Also, I don't like people who lie."

 

"And Phi Fah will never forgive anyone who hurts Fan."

 

"Excuse me."

 

I woke up in the middle of the night, my body drenched in sweat. My heart was pounding so hard it was frightening. My breathing was laboured, as if I were exhausted, and the tears were flowing. Another nightmare. I slowly raised my cold hands to hug myself, stop shaking, and casually wipe away the tears. However, when I remembered the nightmare from earlier, I couldn't hold back the sobs. It's okay, Phoon. It was just a nightmare. Phi Fah didn't say anything of the sort.

"Hik. Uhh," I put my face on the blanket and cried. It was the first time I'd had a dream like that; I'd only dreamed of recurring things. But this time I dreamed of Phi Fah, who said he was disappointed in me and probably couldn't forgive me.

 

This hand is still shaking. It always happens to me after waking up from a nightmare, my body drenched in sweat. I need a moment to regain consciousness. But I just realised it was pitch black around me. My body shook even more violently when I found myself in the dark. I was afraid of the dark.

 

Every time I sleep, I have to turn on the light. I've been used to turning on the nightlight since I was little. If I'm alone in the dark, I panic and lose control. No, no. Where's my cell phone? Why aren't the lights on? By the way, the power went out. I searched for my phone next to the bed until I found it. I immediately turned on the flashlight. At least there was some light.

 

I usually carry a flashlight or candle in my room for emergencies. But since I just moved to a new guesthouse, I didn't have time to get ready. Maybe because the power went out, my phone battery was only slightly charged. Now it's almost dead. What's going on? I slowly moved to get out of bed, but I fell while trying to stand because I was too stiff.

 

"Bi Nual."

 

Oh, I'm not home. I almost forgot. Usually, when there's an emergency like this, I call Bi Nual, but now I'm alone and have no one to help me. I sat on the floor for almost three minutes before getting up. I went to the door and cracked it open, only to find it completely dark.

 

At first, I thought I could go down to Sette da Sotto if it were daylight. But with the whole guesthouse so dark, I wouldn't dare go. Or should I turn on my flashlight and run down the stairs? No, that's impossible. It's too dark. I'm not afraid of ghosts or anything. I'm just afraid of the dark. I feel overwhelmed and have trouble breathing because I have bad memories of it. Plus, I almost faint if the place is dark and cramped. What should I do?

 

I could only open the window to let the breeze in, but I didn't dare go too far because it was dark. What was I supposed to do in a situation like this? Looking at my phone, it was already past four. After buying some hyacinths with Phi Fah, he walked me back to the dorm. We didn't speak or say goodbye, and since I was tired, I fell asleep around two. Phi will understand. Even though I didn't want to disturb anyone, I didn't know what else to do, so I opened LINE and messaged Phi Fah.

Typhoon: Phi Fah, are you still awake?

 

No answer, nothing to read. Maybe he's busy. Oh. Mona said she'd call, which is the perfect time. If that's the case, Phi Fah won't be able to talk to me. Or should I ask for a candle or flashlight in the next room? Maybe they have one. And while I was thinking that.

 

Tonfah: What's wrong?

Typhoon: Um, the lights in my dorm went out.

Tonfah: Yes?

 

So, what should I say? Phi Fah didn't say anything else; he seemed to be waiting for me to continue. So, what should I ask him? I mean, um, I don't have any candles to borrow.

 

Typhoon: The battery is almost empty.

Typhoon: I panicked.

Tonfah: Oh, you're still afraid of the dark, huh?

Typhoon: Yes.

Tonfah: What is the remaining battery percentage?

Typhoon: 15%, yes.

 

There's an incoming call from: Tonfah. I was surprised when Phi Fah called out of the blue.

 

“Yes,” I replied curtly from the other end of the phone.

 

"What's your room number?"

 

"302."

 

"So, Phi will come get you. In the meantime, just wait a minute."

 

Phi Fah's voice faded, along with the sound of his quick footsteps and the car's engine starting. He was coming to get me. As I waited alone in the dark, I felt so scared I almost lost my mind. But seeing my phone screen connected to someone and him waiting on the other end calmed me. At least Phi Fah is still here. As always.

 

"No! Dad, no! I'm scared, I'm sorry." I don't remember how old I was then, but I clearly remember it was Saturday and there was no one home except Dad. Mom took Fan out the next morning, and I felt lonely because I had no one to play with, so I sneaked into Dad's study and accidentally broke a vase. My dad came in, saw it, and got angry. He grabbed my wrist tightly and dragged me out of the house. I tried to hold back with all my strength; my face was covered in tears of guilt and fear.

 

"Dad, I'm sick!"

 

"How many times do I have to tell you not to come into the study?!" Dad yelled at me, pulling my ears with his hands.

 

"It hurts, Dad. I'm sorry. I won't do it again," I tried to convince Dad to let me go before he dragged me out to the stable. "No! I'm scared! I don't want to go in!"

 

"Come in! So you'll remember!" And Dad pushed me into the warehouse. The next thing I saw was Dad's furious face, which vanished as the door closed. I heard the key, which scared me even more.

 

"Daddy! Daddy! No! I'm scared! Let me go, Daddy! I'm sorry!" I screamed in tears, my little hands pounding on the bedroom door with all my strength. But no voice answered. No, don't do it. Daddy. I'm terrified. Daddy.

 

"Sorry, hiccups... hiccups..." I started crying harder when I couldn't stand the darkness any longer. The room was dark, damp, and dusty, making it difficult for me to breathe.

 

I've been afraid of the dark and small spaces ever since Dad locked me in that room. The last time I was locked in here, I was here for almost the entire day. Darkness is something scary in childhood memories. I don't know what's in the darkness, and I don't know if something will come out and hurt me. I feel pressured and scared. The place is narrow, and no light comes in except through a small crack in the door. I'm scared. I can't breathe. I quickly turned my back to the wall and looked into the darkness, afraid something was in there. I sat down and curled up as tight as I could.

 

"I am sorry"

 

"Help me. Help." My voice grew fainter with fear. A child just a few years old shouldn't be punished by being locked in a warehouse for most of the day, right? I was crying and screaming at the same time.

 

"I'm sorry, Dad. Please let me go! I'm sorry, I won't come into the study again!"

 

"Dad. Dad, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break the vase."

"Dad, please help me!" I shouted, but no one answered. I was hoping a housekeeper or maid would help me like before, but it was a holiday now, so there was no one until Fan came back. Fan, can you come back to me right now? I don't want to be like this anymore, I don't want to! I'm sorry. I'm scared. Help me. Why. Why did Mom take Fan away and not me? I want to play too. But that's okay. Mom said I had to stay home with Dad, otherwise he'd get lonely. Fan also said she'd bring me food. Mom was afraid Dad would get lonely, so I wouldn't have to play. But in the end, I broke the vase. "Sorry... hiccups..."

 

"Count!"

 

"Hi, Fah!"

 

"Are you in there?"

 

“Phi Fah, please help me!” I almost jumped when I heard Phi Fah’s voice coming from outside.

 

"Phi Fah, I'm scared! Please let me go!"

 

"Calm down." Before I heard the door lock unlock. However, the door could only be opened a crack. "The door has a chain, so I can't open it."

 

Yes, the storage room outside the house has an external lock, but Dad put a chain on it for security, so thieves can't get in. Even if the lock is removed, the chain still gets in the way, so the door can only be opened a little.

 

"Phi Fah, can you talk to Dad, please? Let me go, please!" I pouted, but at least I could see some light through the open door.

 

"Phi saw your dad leaving a while ago."

 

Why did Mom say Dad would be lonely if I weren't there?

 

"Phi Fah... sobbing... I'm scared! Please, take me out!"

 

"Wait a minute, I'll look for the key, okay?"

 

"Sob. Okay, come back right away, okay!"

 

"YES."

I saw Phi Fah run away. About ten minutes later, he returned, out of breath.

 

"There's no one home! The key's gone! Your father took the key with him!"

 

"Sob. Why did Dad bring him?" I cried harder, knowing I couldn't get out quickly. "But how did Phi Fah know I was here?"

 

"Because I heard a noise, so I came to check." There's a door between my house and Phi Fah's, so we can visit each other without going through the front door, and this closet is near the house's wall.

 

"Phi Fah, I'm scared. I'm scared. It's dark."

 

"It's okay, yes. Phi is here." The gentle voice made me feel a little calmer, but despite everything, Phi Fah was still outside.

 

"But Phi Fah is outside; it's dark in here."

 

"Give me your hand."

 

I reached for the half-open door, as Phi Fah had directed. He took my hand and sat down, leaning against the warehouse's outer wall. I sat down too. In a dark room, alone in silence and fear, I felt a hand always reaching out to me and giving me strength. It may be scary, but I'm not alone.

 

We sat holding hands in the space between the doors. Phi Fah stayed there with me for hours, never leaving. We chatted about everything, as if nothing had happened. At that moment, the darkness wasn't scary at all.

 

Since then, I've been afraid of the warehouse, not just once, when I was locked in. Several times, no one came to help me, and my fear of the dark became so strong that I had to turn on the light while I slept. When Fan found out I'd been punished like that while he was away, he asked Dad not to do it anymore. But Dad did it anyway, probably because he didn't want to beat me as Mom did. Locking me in there seemed better, so as not to disturb Dad and see me in a mess. But it was exceptionally cruel to my childhood memories.

 

I immediately turned to the door when I heard a knock.

"Phoon!"

 

Phi, do you understand? I quickly opened the door and saw Phi Fah outside. The lights in the house still showed no signs of coming on.

 

"Have you packed your bags?"

 

"Oh?"

 

"Are you tidying up?"

 

"Why do we have to clean?"

 

"Yes, you should stay in Phi Fah's room now."

 

"Do you want us to go out first and wait for the lights to come back on? But Phi doesn't seem to have much time."

 

"Hmm. Okay, I'll pack my bags for a bit."

 

"All right."

 

I invited Phi Fah to sit and wait inside because the lights were off, making it difficult to see anything. I slowly turned on my phone's flashlight and walked around to gather my things. I'll stay in Phi Fah's room. Is that okay, Phi?

 

“Didn’t you buy any candles or torches to prepare?” asked Phi Fah.

 

"I didn't have time to buy it."

 

"After this, you need to buy something right away to prepare your room."

 

"YES."

 

"How long have you lived here?"

 

"Just a few days," I replied as I packed my things in my backpack. A little later, I remembered it in my room. Damn, thank goodness the lights were off; otherwise, Phi Fah would have seen Fan's photos all over the wall. It would have been weird. We slowly walked down the hallway and up the stairs. We no longer have to hold hands as we did as kids.

This area was dark, and I'd never been there alone. Then we drove to Phi Fah's apartment, or condo. On the way to the elevator, I felt nervous because I'd never been there before, and there hadn't been any conversation between us.

 

We paused in front of the door before opening it and going in. Phi Fah's room was a typical condo apartment: spacious and well-equipped, simple but not overly decorated, and, above all, spotlessly clean, with plenty of bookshelves.

 

"Please make yourselves comfortable."

 

"Yes." I nodded, then sat down on the couch. Standing there, I was confused as to what to do. This room is Phi Fah.

 

"If you want to sleep, just say so. Or are you already sleepy?"

 

"Oh, not yet," I said. I'd just woken up, so I wasn't sleepy yet. I looked around for a moment before Phi Fah got the milk from the fridge. "Thanks."

 

"You can watch TV. The bathroom's over there. Now Phi's leaving, okay?"

 

"Yes." I nodded understandingly and watched him enter the bedroom. I saw a desk inside and a table outside. No wonder Phi Fah loves to read. When I told him the lights were off in the apartment, he invited me to live with him. Brothers. They help each other out like that, right? I guess that's considered normal between brothers. I need to be more careful with my feelings. I looked at the carton of milk in my hand. Chocolate milk. I like chocolate milk, but it could be a coincidence. I opened the carton and drank it, not daring to turn on the TV because it wasn't my room. In the silence, I could hear the noises coming from the bedroom.

 

"Oh, I was going to pick up my friend at his house because the lights were out."

 

"So, where have we been, yes."

 

He was talking to someone. It looked like they were studying together, maybe with Mona, huh? They looked like they were learning, and Phi Fah had to interrupt his call to pick me up for a bit. After they picked me up, they started talking again. It tastes. Unpleasant. But I can tolerate it. I sat on the couch for almost half an hour until Phi Fah opened the door to his bedroom. It looked like they'd finished studying. I turned to him.

 

"Do you want to sleep?"

"Aa yes."

 

"Then go sleep in my room."

 

"Hey, I can sleep on the couch."

 

"How is that possible?" asked Phi Fah. "Go in and sleep inside, yes. Phi will sleep outside later."

 

"Eh.

 

"Come in."

 

"Okay." I had no choice but to get up and go to the bedroom. It never occurred to me to sleep with him, and in the end, it went exactly as I'd thought. Phi Fah said he'd sleep on the couch. Why is he so kind?

 

"If there's anything, just call, okay."

 

"All right."

 

Then Phi Fah made the bed before going out and closing the door. I looked around, confused. I never thought I'd sleep in Phi Fah's room. There was almost nothing there. Everything was very tidy. I should have slept on the couch. When I went out and opened the door, I saw Phi Fah making the bed on the couch outside.

 

"Hi, Fah."

 

"Yes?" Phi Fah turned his head when he heard my voice.

 

"I think I'll sleep on the couch. I don't want to disturb you."

 

"That's fine. Sleeping in bed is more comfortable."

 

I was speechless; I didn't know what to say. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Phi Fah was the master of the room.

 

"So, shouldn't we sleep together?" I decided to ask. The bed was spacious, and letting the room's owner sleep on the couch wouldn't be pleasant. We were both men, so sleeping in the same bed wouldn't be a problem.

 

"Okay, I wanted to let you sleep so you'd feel better."

 

"All right."

 

“Goodnight,” said Phi Fah.

 

"Yes, goodnight to you too, okay?"

 

After bidding him goodnight, I closed the bedroom door and put my bag next to the desk. Giving him the option of sleeping in bed or on the couch should be a gentlemanly gesture and let him know he's not having any strange thoughts. That's fine.

 

"Phi Fah," I opened the door and called again. "Thank you."

 

"Yes." Phi Fah nodded slightly and smiled. I closed the door again and sat on the bed. The sheets and blanket were light grey, patternless. I sank onto the bed and smelled the owner's scent. When I was little, I clearly remember the scents of Phi Fah and Fan. But now I've forgotten: the scent of both. The smell of Fan's bed or the things she used—Fan's scent had completely disappeared. I casually grabbed several items to help me remember the owner, such as stationery, some clothes I could wear, and Fan's cell phone.

 

I turned on the table lamp and turned off the room lights. Falling onto the bed, I tried to sleep, but I couldn't. Maybe because I wasn't used to it. Almost half an hour had passed, but I still couldn't sleep. Or at least I won't be able to again tonight. Shortly afterwards, I heard the door open. I peeked outside.

 

"Are you still not sleeping?" asked Phi Fah when he saw I was not.

 

"Yeah, yeah. I couldn't sleep."

 

"Is the bed uncomfortable?"

 

"No, it's not." I shook my head.

 

"Do you sleep with the lights on?" Phi Fah raised an eyebrow, slightly surprised, before approaching. I sat down on the bed. "I thought turning off the lights while I slept was okay."

 

"Of course I can."

 

"If you sleep with the lights on, your sleep may be disturbed."

 

"Yes." I nodded, knowing that sleeping with the lights on wasn't a good idea because it might disturb my sleep. But if all the lights were off, I couldn't bear it.

 

"Try turning off the lights, what do you say?"

 

"Uh, I can't."

 

"Try it, and who knows, it might be better."

 

“I tried, but I can’t do it, seriously,” I said softly.

 

"Then Phi will accompany you. Give it a try." After that, Phi Fah sat on the bed next to me. "If you're scared, hold my hand." I was speechless because I didn't know what to say. Was Phi Fah's kindness excessive? I grabbed his large hand, which was already outstretched in anticipation. It shouldn't be like this, between brothers. It shouldn't be.

 

Then Phi Fah reached out and turned off all the lights in the room. I was shocked by the sudden darkness, but when Phi Fah gently squeezed my hand, it brought me some comfort, so I was able to overcome the shock and lie down again with my eyes closed, with Phi Fah still holding my hand beside me.

 

"Will Phi stay until I go to sleep?"

 

"Yes. If you're already asleep, Phi will sleep outside."

 

"Well, then, goodnight again."

 

"YES."

 

I squeezed that warm hand, unwilling to let go for fear. But after a while, I fell asleep faster than ever before.

 

Last night was the first night I'd slept well in two years. I opened my eyes and woke up, confused, in Phi Fah's bed. I saw the faint sunlight filtering through the curtains. I grabbed my phone to check the time; it was already after eight. I unplugged the charger and left the bedroom. When he saw me, Phi Fah asked, "Are you awake?" He was sitting at his desk outside, already neatly dressed.

 

"Yes, sorry, I woke up late."

"Okay. Let's take a shower and change, then we'll go eat together."

 

"Yes." I nodded, then grabbed my clothes and went to take a shower. After finishing, I went out. It was the first time I'd woken up at eight. For many, that might be normal, but for me, it was too late. I usually wake up around four or five in the morning to see the sunrise. However, today I didn't get to see the sunrise, and more importantly, I slept very well. I didn't wake up with a headache like usual, and I didn't have any nightmares. It was nice to sleep so deeply.

 

"Is there anything in particular you want to eat?"

 

"Well, not really."

 

"Okay. Oh, yeah." Phi Fah spoke as if he'd just remembered something.

 

"Can Phi have Fan's contact?"

 

"We haven't spoken in a while; I wonder how you are."

 

"Eh." I was silent for a moment, thinking about what to do. If I said no, it would feel weird. And if I stayed silent like that, it would feel even weirder. I became even more convinced that I would be destroyed again if Phi Fah knew the truth and spoke to me as he had in the dream. And that destruction. Maybe it would never be the same again. We stopped at a restaurant. As we entered, many people turned to look at Phi Fah. Phi Fah has long been a fan favourite because of his perfect face, personality, and attitude. Anyone who knows him will easily fall in love with him.

 

There are hundreds, if not thousands, of people Phi Fah could have chosen. So what right do I have to hope, especially as his adoptive brother? We sat at the table near the window of the restaurant, looking out at the street. After we ordered our food, Phi Fah's cell phone rang.

 

“Sorry, I just stepped away to take a call,” he said.

 

"YES."

 

[Fah, have you bought a gift yet?]

 

"Not yet, I don't know what to buy."

 

[Me too; they said they wanted to surprise me.]

"So, what's the surprise?"

 

[I don't know, I can't think of a way to surprise him.]

 

"No need. But I haven't thought about what gift to buy yet."

 

[I think so too. What more could a person like that want?]

 

"Yes, it's difficult. So, what about Thit?"

 

[It's in Moscow, I'll probably buy something there.]

 

"Will he be back for his birthday?"

 

[I think so. Will you come shopping with me?]

 

"Okay, I'll go alone. I'm free today."

 

[Okay, if you buy anything, let me know.]

 

"I haven't thought about it yet. I'll take a walk first and find something suitable for him.

 

[Course to quit smoking.]

 

"Then bring you too, Hill. I'll pay for you two to stop drinking too."

 

[It's too late, even if we send him for cancer treatment.]

 

"Yes, that sounds like a good idea."

 

[Try talking to James, ask him what he wants.]

 

"I asked, James said there wasn't one."

 

[Nobody?]

 

"Yes, but no one can give what they want."

 

[What is it?]

 

"You want to know too."

 

[Okay, let me know.]

 

"All right."

 

[So who's sitting with you?]

 

"Did you see me?"

 

[I saw you before.]

 

"Non conosco Dia Nong Yang."

 

[Everyone is your acquaintance.]

 

"Well, why?"

 

[Okay, did you sleep together last night?]

 

"Why do you think that?"

 

[Since the distance between you is great, if you sleep apart, you'll have to wake up to meet. So Nong slept with you?]

 

"No. My Nong got scared when the lights went out, so I took him to sleep with me."

 

[But do you sleep on the sofa?]

 

"Why?"

 

[The same problem we told you about before.]

 

"I understand."

 

[How long have you known each other?]

 

"Since I've been living in Phuket."

 

[Are you close?]

 

"Neighbors. Our houses are next to each other."

 

[Have you ever been close to it?]

 

"Yes, but it's been a long time since we've seen each other."

 

[Okay, I'm hanging up now.]

 

"Okay, we'll continue later."

 

Afterwards, Phi Fah drove me back to the dorm. He said he'd continue with his business. I didn't forget to thank him again and remind him to be careful when driving. Even though Phi Fah was a good driver, I told him anyway.

 

After opening the door and entering the room, I inadvertently sighed and lay down on the bed. Even though I slept well last night, why do I feel so tired? I used to think Phi Fah was a person without limits in relationships, but in reality, the limits are there, like thin, transparent glass. If you don't get close, it's almost invisible. However, we'll hit the glass hard when we try to get close to a certain point. I can only get this far as a younger brother. I got up to look in the desk drawer and found a cell phone. I took it out and opened it.

 

Tonfah: I added you to the line ID

 

Phi Fah added Line Fan. I looked at the screen, confused. At the crucial moment, I was struggling to stop my racing heart, including my own irregular heartbeat. I pressed "accept." As soon as I pressed "accept, friend," Phi Fah immediately sent me a message.

 

Tonfah: It's Fah. How are you?

Tonfah: How are you?

Thorfan: Bene.

Thorfan: E Fah, come stay?