Chapter 27. Next to the sky.
I took off my sweater, hat, mask, and everything else that was making me feel hot and stuffy and placed them on the bedroom floor. Exhausted, I collapsed onto the bed. It was almost unbearable to return to that room. I buried my face in the pillow and bit my lip hard. I can still feel it.
"Uhh," I moaned, trying to stop the crazy thoughts in my head, but I couldn't. The touch, the feeling of the kiss, his warm breath, the beat of my heart, the sound of the raindrops, his sweet scent, and the smell of earth entering my nose were all etched in my memory.
I remember our first kiss, but I wonder why it happened. Was it because of the words "I love you"? Because we met for the first time? Because I cried? Or was it because of all this? We weren't a couple yet. I don't understand. This was just a first meeting. What will that person say in the following letter?
I took a deep breath, sat down on the bed, clutched the pillow tightly, and pursed my lips, unseen. The image kept replaying in my head from the moment I entered the store until I got out of the car.
"I like your soft lips."
Oh, Phi Fah, you're too dangerous for my heart. Will I have a heart attack?
At this moment, my heart still can't calm down.
I tried to take a deep breath to calm myself. Thinking about it, our story had reached this point. I felt like I'd broken down all the walls I'd built, and I decided to come out and meet him right away. No more walls, no more queues. All that remained was my little fear, which even Phi Fah had acknowledged.
A crazy fear I don't dare express, but it's true. I raised my hand and gently touched my lips. I didn't want the kiss to be an accident. Are you sure what you're doing? Kissing someone you've never met. Are you sure? Are you sure you love the person in those letters, whoever they are? Have you ever thought about who that person is? You have to believe it. Have you ever thought about it? Did Phi Fah ever think it was me? Oh my God. Am I thinking too much?
I grabbed my phone and turned it on because I'd turned it off when I went to meet Phi Fah. I'd planned to send a LINE message to my friends, but someone had already sent a message.
Fah ".!!"
I was so shocked that the phone slipped from my hand. Luckily, it fell onto the bed. Why was I shocked? Phi Fah didn't know I was writing to the person in the letter.
Tonfah: Have you eaten?
Typhon: Okay. And You Do?
I had lunch before going to see Phi Fah. Even though we were at a restaurant, I decided not to eat anything because I couldn't take my mask off, so it was too late.
Tonfah: What are you doing?
Typhoon: Nothing. I was just lying down. And Phi?
Tonfah: I just arrived in the room.
Oh, is he already in his room? Good.
Typhoon: Where have you been? Were you caught in the rain? It just stopped raining.
Tonfah: No, I wasn't caught in the rain. 'And you? You didn't go anywhere?'
Typhoon: No. Absolutely not.
Tonfah: Do you want me to give you private lessons tonight?
Tonfah: You're right.
Typhoon: Yes. Around 10:00 PM?
Tonfah: Okay. I'll call you.
Typhoon: Okay.
There was still plenty of time to prepare. I don't know what prompted him to suggest private lessons; maybe it was because he had free time after the exam. I took a deep breath before showering and getting ready for private lessons with Phi Fah.
In the past, we always called around 10:00 PM. You could say that 10:00 PM was the time I looked forward to the most. But we don't always talk every day; we usually just discuss what will be taught during the private lesson.
The call came in at 10:00 PM. What surprised me most was that it was a video call. As far as I remember, we'd never turned on the camera while talking. All this time, they were just regular calls.
I tried to find the courage to act normally, even though it was difficult. Honestly, I didn't know how to act relaxed around someone I'd just kissed a few hours earlier. Maybe. I'm the only one who felt so nervous. When I answered the video call, the screen immediately showed the person I'd kissed, and my heart started pounding again.
Phi Fah was sitting at the table, typing with his headphones on, his phone resting on the edge. He was smiling at the camera, the same smile he had when he said goodbye. Or maybe it's just my imagination. Before getting out of the car, we looked at each other. But that thought made me look away immediately.
"Phoon, are you okay?"
"Yes, why?"
“Your expression looks strange.” Phi Fah’s tone sounded concerned, making me frown slightly as I looked at the camera.
"Oh, really?"
"Yes. Your eyes look swollen. Did you cry?"
I looked at him, confused. Were my eyes still puffy? When I looked in the mirror earlier, I thought they weren't anymore.
Really? I didn't cry. It's weird.
Thank goodness I didn't cry.
Phoon."Sì?"
"Oh, nothing." Phi looked like he was about to say something, but changed his mind. The concern on his face slowly turned into a casual expression. "Do you have any plans for New Year's Eve?"
"Um, not yet."
Since it's the end of the semester, after exams, everyone usually goes home for New Year's Eve. But as you know, I don't have a home to go home to. Like last year, I'll stay here. However, I don't want to celebrate New Year's Eve alone anymore.
Last year, on New Year's Eve, I walked through crowded places with my camera, photographing the atmosphere, the lights, and the people. I watched the fireworks explode in the sky, took more photos, and then went home to sleep. I hope this year won't be as quiet as last year.
“So what about Phi Fah?” I asked.
"I'm going home."
"Oh, at your house?"
"Yes. Phoon, do you want to come?"
"Huh? You invited me?"
"Yes, Mom and Dad miss you. They haven't seen you in a long time." Phi Fah's invitation warmed my heart, especially when he said his uncles missed me. I missed them, but my dad forbade me from getting too close to the Phi Fah family.
"I'll think about it, okay? My friends asked me to go too. I don't know what to do yet." I smiled weakly at Phi.
"Okay, I'll wait to hear from you."
"How long will Phi Fah stay home?" I asked. During school breaks, Phi Gip's shop would be closed, and we wouldn't be able to text for a while. We'd never discussed what we'd do during the long break. Especially after what had happened earlier, I was worried that if we suddenly stopped talking, it would be a problem.
"There's something important I have to finish."
"What is this? Work?"
No. Phi Fah shook his head slightly. But that's a fundamental point. He smiled slightly as he stared at me without blinking.
"Oh." I was speechless. When I heard that Phi Fah's important matter wasn't about work or exams, I assumed it must be about the person in the letter.
"Phoon and I met him today."
"Spend?"
"The person in the letter."
"Oh, and how?"
I was so happy that he'd agreed to meet me. His voice sounded sweet and full of happiness, which somehow made me feel calmer. But instead, he cried.
"Ah. Oh, why?"
Phi Fah shook his head slowly. I don't know if that meant he didn't understand why or didn't want to say it. But I don't want him to cry. If I asked him to stop crying, do you think he would?
"Ah. I don't know." I replied softly. When I returned to the room earlier, I almost cried again because my thoughts were so confused.
"Are you worried?"
“Yes, very much.”
"What are you worried about?"
"I'm just afraid you're taking this too seriously."
"OH."
Everything went exactly as I wanted. I don't want him to think I'm not serious. I remained silent because I felt touched. It was as if he had read my mind. I was also afraid Phi didn't want the kiss. I was afraid Phi Fah would think I shouldn't have done it. I was relieved that Phi hadn't said it was a mistake or an accident.
Sorry, I'm rambling. Let's start studying, shall we? Maybe Phi Fah changed the subject because I was silent for too long. I realised I'd been daydreaming for a while and immediately looked at my camera. I opened the book to the last section I'd studied.
"What have you been studying lately?"
"Basic Math, Grade 6."
"What is it?"
"Series." Oh, that's not that hard. Should we move on to another chapter, or would you prefer Phi Fah review the material first?
"Let's talk about it first, okay. Let's start with the exercises, then I'll see if it's possible. The exercise book I bought you is still there, right? The green one.
"Yes." I nodded, grabbed a green notebook from the pile next to me, and began doing the exercises as Phi Fah had requested. We began studying seriously. As I looked down to do the exercises, I wondered whether Phi Fah was looking at me or had turned away to do something else. I hoped not, because I couldn't do anything right if he had. I felt something strange in my stomach, but I tried to finish the exercise anyway. I didn't dare look at my phone. Then, suddenly, a LINE message came in from Ter.
Easter: Damn!
Easter: Friends!
Easter: "I sent a photo."
Since I saw it from the notification, I don't know what Ter sent.
“What’s wrong?” Phi Fah asked as I pulled my phone out of its place.
"Ter sent something."
"Don't lose focus yet. Finish studying first."
"Ah, sorry."
I hung up the phone when Phi Fah said this in a serious tone. Exactly. He's teaching me, so I have to pay attention. Time passed quickly. Before I knew it, it was already midnight.
"It's already midnight. Should we stop?"
"Ah. But I only practised a little."
"Didn't you train enough today? Don't push yourself. Didn't you complete all the materials for Mathayom 4 and Mathayom 5?"
"Yes," I nodded. "But maybe not very precise."
"I'll show it to you again. There's still time. The source material isn't great either."
"Okay." I closed the book and put down my pen. Even though I was a little nervous because he was looking at me, I felt more motivated. Would he mind if I asked him to video chat more often?
"Go to sleep. Goodnight."
"Yes, goodnight."
I said goodnight before the call ended. I went to bed and collapsed, exhausted. What did Ter text me? After I didn't respond, he continued texting me until I had to mute him.
Typhoon: What's going on? Why so many messages?
Pasqua: Wow, it took you so long to respond.
Typhoon: I can't answer right away.
Pasqua: Oh, right, because you were on a video call with someone, right?
You didn't even say goodbye to your friends.
Typhoon: Oh?
Typhoon: How do you know???
Easter: see message above.
Easter: the photo I sent.
I frowned as I read Ter's messages. I scrolled through the dozens of stickers he'd sent me until I found the last message I hadn't read. Ter had sent a photo. I waited a moment for it to load, and when it finally did, I was shocked. This is a screenshot of Phi Fah's Instagram story. It shows a video call during which I was focusing on my exercises. A small screen in the lower right corner shows Phi Fah, his chin raised, smiling faintly.
Next to it was a message that said, "Keep up the good work, good boy." I called Ter right away.
Ter: I knew you'd call.
"What's wrong? What does it mean?"
Ter: This is a screenshot of your video call with Phi Fah. What surprised you?
"Why did he take a screenshot? And call me 'good boy'!"
Ter: Ask Phi Fah directly. Does he know you wrote the letter?
"I do not know."
Ter: You don't know, or doesn't Phi Fah know either?
"I don't know anything, Ter."
Ter: Calm down, buddy.
"I don't know! We were on a video call, and I had no idea Phi Fah would take a screenshot."
Ter: I've been following Phi Fah on Instagram for a while now, and this is his first story. Aside from promotional photos for campus, he hasn't posted anything else.
"Really?" I said softly, my heart pounding. I had an Instagram account just for posting photos of the sky. I never followed anyone and only used it to save photos. Give me Phi Fah's Instagram account.
Ter: Don't you have it?
"No, I rarely use Instagram."
Ter: Oh, you only use your account to take pictures of the sky. I'll send them to you via chat, check. Ter said.
I checked Phi Fah's Instagram. His account wasn't private, but I was surprised by the number of followers. I knew he was popular, but I didn't know how much. That means thousands of people saw the story.
"Ter, does that mean thousands of people?"
Ter: Yes, everyone saw it. It seems like they think you're together, it's so sweet.
"We're not dating!" I said, but I was speechless. We weren't dating, but we had kissed.
Ter: Wow, you look like a couple.
"We're not doing it!"
Ter: How was your afternoon? You didn't tell me anything. You're usually always ready to tell stories.
"What about the others? Should I wait to tell them?"
Ter: The others are busy. North and Foam are back home, and Dao is busy. I'm the only one available to listen. Do you want to tell me?
"Sure, if I want. Hey, you're coming home, right?"
Ter: Tomorrow. Do you want to come?
"At your house?"
Yes, my mother's cooking is really delicious.
"It would be a bit of a hassle."
Ter: Don't be shy. North is upset because he invited you last month and you didn't come. He doesn't want you to be alone because being alone is sad. Are you with Phi Fah?
"Phi Fah invited me too."
Ter: Wow, he invited you to his house.
"Have!"
Ter: Good.
Little by little, I told Ter the events without going into too much detail, but enough to cover all the critical moments: the holding hands, the kiss, Phi Fah's last words before returning, and our recent conversation.
"Damn!! I'm speechless."
"Ter, lower your voice. What if Phi Hill hears?"
"Oh my God, I forgot." Ter's voice immediately dropped. "But it's okay, maybe he didn't hear. Damn, you two kissed! Do you think Phi Fah knew it was you? Is that why he called and posted a screenshot on his Instagram story for everyone to see?"
"Do you really think so?"
"Yes, if he went to meet the person who wrote the letter this afternoon, he uploaded a screenshot that evening. If that's not the reason, then he likes two people at once."
"It's true." Ter's words made me think. "We've never had a video call before."
"He didn't want you to worry, so he called you. He wouldn't have done it without a reason."
"Yes, you're right. I thought so too, as if he had read my mind."
"Damn, you're making me nervous. Why should I care about your love life? Since I sailed North, I've only been rooting for you. At least with you, more people care about you, and you've finally achieved your goal. I'm proud to be a good crew member."
Ter spoke so quickly that I didn't have time to interrupt. I laughed a little at his passionate words.
"Should I get paid to crew a ship? Every ship I've been on has always reached its destination."
"Calm down, Ter. Why should I tell you to calm down?"
"I can't calm down! North has to know; I can't keep this to myself."
"Don't tell him yet. I don't want to be disturbed now," I said sincerely. It's a good thing I only told Ter. Otherwise, I would have been disturbed all night.
Ter: "So what are you going to do now?"
"I don't know. Do you think Phi Fah will send a letter tomorrow?"
"Maybe. Oh, but I'm on vacation! But Phi Fah said he still has important commitments, so he can't leave yet."
Ter: "Oh, he probably needs to come to an agreement with you. Tomorrow for sure. I'm excited."
"Do you think Phi Fah already knows it's me?"
"Most likely. Phi Fah is smart. We can't fool him for long. He just didn't investigate. If he had, he would have known all along."
"You're right," Ter agreed. My heart was filled with fear. "Does Phi Fah know? And can I stay here?"
"Maybe so."
"I'm scared, Ter. I'm not sure. What will I do if she finds out it's me and feels uncomfortable?" I said softly, my shoulders hunched with sadness. "If I take off my mask and see the disappointment in her eyes, I won't be able to handle it."
"I know. That's why you covered your face today. We planned this to see how you felt. How did it go?"
"As I said."
"Well, nothing bad happened."
"Don't make fun of me, I'm sensitive."
"Is your heart fragile?"
"Sure." I frowned slightly. "What should I do?"
"Don't think too much. Phi Fah said you shouldn't think too much about anything. Just wait for tomorrow's letter. Go to sleep, Typhoon. It's late."
"Yes, you too, Easter."
"You make me blush! It's been a long time since you called me by my full name."
"Easter."
"I'm blushing! Goodnight."
"Good night."
That night I couldn't sleep. I kept waking up. I remember that around dawn, I had a dream in which I was dreaming again after a long time. I thought it was a beautiful dream. Although I don't know the details, I woke up with a warm feeling in my heart.
All day I read and rested because there was nothing to do, until the afternoon, when I quickly ran to the medical school cafeteria to pick up a letter. On the way, I wondered what Phi Fah might have written.
When I arrived, I saw Phi Gip getting ready to close the soup kitchen. He'd said he'd close early to visit his family in the village. This meant I couldn't leave anything with Phi Fah the next day, and we wouldn't be able to write to each other for almost a month. I looked at the paper in my hand: the last letter before we parted. I slowly opened it to read it.
(It may be urgent, but I need to talk to you. Don't avoid me like yesterday. I'll wait for you, tomorrow too.)
It contains the place and time. I wasn't expecting a meeting. According to the letter, it was only fifteen minutes away. I had planned to go, but I didn't know under what conditions. Just as I was hesitating, Ter called me at just the right time.
"Ter, you're just in time. Phi Fah wants to meet me. What should I do?"
"Oh, I wanted to ask you about the letter. Where did he want to meet you?"
"To the lake, fifteen minutes. No, ten minutes."
"Is that so?"
"Sure. I'm just not sure under what circumstances I should go."
"Choose the condition you feel most comfortable with, Phoon. Don't overthink it."
"With a hat and a mask? Won't Phi Fah feel weird?"
"No, he knows you're uncomfortable. You'll take it off later if it makes you feel safe and confident. It's just a hat and a mask. You can take it off anytime."
"Mmm, ok."
"Do what makes you feel comfortable."
"Okay. Wish me luck."
"May today be a wonderful day for you, Typhon."
"Thank you."
I hung up the phone. Even though I only spoke briefly with Ter, I felt much better. I stopped at 7-Eleven to buy a hat and a mask, then went to see Phi Fah, as agreed. I put the letter I'd written in my pants pocket. Initially, I'd planned to leave it with Phi Gip as usual, but that proved unnecessary.
It was 6:30 PM, and I was already at the university lake, where I was walking with Phi Fah. Since then, I've come here often. At that hour, the sun was almost setting, and the soft glow of twilight mingled with the streetlights' glow, which had replaced the sunlight. There were only a few people; it was usually busier. Perhaps because it was a holiday, many had already left. I looked around for someone until my gaze fell on a man sitting on a bench, staring at the distant sky. His hair swayed gently in the warm breeze.
If you look closely, everyone around him is looking at him. He seems so calm and charming. And I'm not the only one who thinks so. I decided to walk over and sit next to him. Phi Fah looked surprised when he turned and saw me, then fell silent.
"You're here."
I didn't answer because I couldn't speak. He gave me the same notebook and pen.
"You forgot about it yesterday."
I didn't realise I'd forgotten it.
I took it and started writing a message, then gave it to him to read.
"I knew you would come, that's why I waited."
"Have you been here long?"
"One moment."
"You said you wanted to talk."
"Yes, I want to apologise." I could hear the shame in his voice. "For disrespecting you. Anyway, I did it on purpose. It wasn't an accident, since I held your hand."
"Why?"
"Because it's you."
"What?"
"Since it's you, I don't need to explain anything else."
"Imitator."
"I can't help it, I thought so too."
I sighed, feeling my heart beating too fast. Then silence enveloped us again. We watched the sun set until it got dark.
"How about we go for a walk?"
I nodded slightly in response. Phi Fah slowly stood up, and I followed, tucking my notebook and pen into my pants pocket and walking behind him. We walked down the long street. I hung back a bit, watching the people in front of me. With the dim yellow light shining down, I couldn't help but take out my phone and snap a photo.
"Did you take a picture?"
I don't know how Phi Fah knew. He stopped and waited for me, quickly put his phone away, and quickened his pace.
“How did you know?” I wrote in a notebook and gave it to Phi Fah.
"You like taking pictures. Am I in the picture?"
"Ah. I wanted to see it. But I can't, right? What a shame."
I didn't text a reply, and we continued walking. Not only did I take a photo with Phi Fah in the background, but I also took one of him. I really wanted to show it to him because the light was beautiful. We walked to the bridge. There was no one left. Along the road, on both sides of the bridge, decorative lights had been installed. The sky was still cloudy, the streetlights cast a soft yellow light, and the wind was blowing gently. The view was more beautiful than before.
"Do you come here often?"
"Yes, often."
"Well."
Phi Fah stopped in the middle of the bridge and looked out at the scenery on both sides. I stopped too, but I didn't stand next to him; I stayed a step behind him.
"What I want to talk to you about."
As the wind blew, the atmosphere became more beautiful.
"Ah, I'd like to look you in the eye, but unfortunately I can't."
Feeling nervous, I lowered my head and pulled my hat over my eyes.
Since I received the letter, my heart has not stopped beating fast for even a moment.
"I don't know where to start. I've never acted like this with anyone," the person in front of me said nervously, which made me feel even more confused.
"You're probably wondering why I kissed you yesterday."
"Because I want to kiss you. Not just yesterday. I want to do it now."
Ah. Had anyone told him those words were dangerous? At least they could cause anyone who heard them to die of a heart attack.
"When I said I wanted to take care of you, I wasn't lying, not just in my letters. I wanted to hear your voice calling my name, telling me you loved me, not just encouraging me. I wanted to hug you and comfort you, not just send you things. I wanted to take care of you the best I could, the best I could as a man."
Every word was engraved in my heart, clear and resonant. I felt all my feelings pouring out, along with the tears falling again. I pressed my lips together to hold them back.
"I love you. I want you to be by my side for the rest of my life. Will you be my boyfriend?"
I couldn't hold back my sobs. I cried shamelessly. Phi Fah, hearing a scream, looked surprised and was about to turn around, but stopped.
"Please don't cry."
"Cow, cow."
"Please, I beg you."
"Dry your tears." Her voice was filled with worry and anxiety. I turned around and took off my mask, quickly wiping away my tears. It took me a moment to calm down.
"Are you OK?"
Damn, why is he using that tone of voice? I'm so happy, but I feel like I'm dying.
"Don't turn around." I quickly wrote on a piece of paper, tore it up, and handed it to him. My face was in pieces, and I couldn't wear a mask. If Phi Fah had turned around, everything would have been a disaster.
"OK."
"I'm scared. Won't you be disappointed if it were me?"
"This is the best thing that could have happened to me, if you were yourself."
"Hik..." I continued to cry, turning my back on Phi Fah. I can't describe my feelings at that moment. Everything seemed like a dream; every word was so warm.
"I'm sorry for trying to push you out of your comfort zone. But, as I asked, can I be your safe zone? Maybe it's too soon."
"Oh"
"So, here's the thing. I'll turn around in ten seconds. The question I asked you before was: if you're not ready, you can leave. We'll go back to a place where you feel comfortable, for as long as you need, even for years. I'll wait for you. But if you decide to accept, turn around and face me."
"Ten."
I kept crying, unable to breathe properly as I counted down.
"New."
"Otto."
"Set."
"Moreover."
If I take even one step, that will be the answer. We'll go back to how we were before, to the place where I felt comfortable, no matter how much time passes.
"Five."
"Four."
"Three."
But I have to turn around.
This would also be the answer.
Our relationship will no longer be based solely on paper and letters. We will be people who see and touch each other.
"Due."
"A."
I turned slowly, looking at the person in front of me, my heart pounding. My hands and feet were shaking, my face expressed fear and insecurity. But I kept my gaze fixed on him. We looked into each other's eyes.
"I accept."
This is my answer. The beautiful eyes of the person in front of me shone with joy, as if he were happy that I was still there, that I hadn't left. There was no trace of the disappointment I had feared. He slowly approached, raised his hand to touch my face, and gently wiped away my tears. His broad smile made it impossible for me to hold back a smile of my own. Phi Fah took my hand and kissed it gently on the back.
"Nice to meet you, sender of the letter." I smiled at his words.
“Nice to meet you,” I said.
"Would you like to introduce yourself? This is the first time I've heard your voice." It was as if we had met for the first time through letters.
"I'm Phoon. And you? Would you like to introduce yourself?"
"I am Tonfah."
Our hands clasped tightly. We looked at each other and smiled, as if the universe had stopped. It's as if this whole life had happened just for this moment, to find you.
"Pleased to meet you."
"It's nice to see you too."