Chapter 26. Paradise and Love.
I was silent, stiff, breathing heavily, my heart racing. The person next to me was also silent after I'd greeted them first. Slowly, I began to adjust to the stifling heat of my clothes. I looked up and saw the sky darkening. There was no soft music playing in the background, only the sound of cars passing below. Until, finally, the warm air around me made me aware.
"It's going to rain soon."
I wrote the message on the notebook I had brought. At first, I thought it would be quicker to write on my phone, but Phi Fah would definitely recognise my phone. So, I decided to bring a pen and a notebook. I passed it to the person next to me. Phi Fah seemed to be looking at the notebook out of the corner of his eye.
"You're so thoughtful, I didn't notice."
"The air is humid, and the wind is picking up."
"Hmm. The rain doesn't come here," Phi Fah replied, making me nod slightly in understanding. We were almost inside the restaurant, not at the edge of the balcony.
"Do you like the rain?"
"Sometimes. And you?"
"Yes, I like it."
"Why?"
"It makes me feel calm."
"Then you should thank the rain for yourself." I wrote in the notebook and handed it to him. The rain began to fall slowly, then picked up steam. As expected, we didn't get wet here. I glanced to the side and saw a smile on Phi Fah's face.
"It's really raining."
"I'm the best meteorologist."
"I think so." His deep voice surprised me a little. It didn't sound different, but there was calm in his words.
Phi Fah seems to feel at ease here with me, too, though maybe it's just my imagination. But I want it to be true, because I feel the same way. I feel at peace in this state.
"I have a lot of things I'd like to tell you." Before finishing writing, Phi Fah continued:
"Are you ready to listen?"
Oh, yes.
Yes, I'm ready to hear anything, good or bad.
"How do you know I'll listen to you?"
"I know because you're my safe zone."
Safe area.
"Can you be my safe zone?"
The voice sounded so tired that I was worried. I quickly typed the following sentence.
"I can be anything you want."
"You're too kind. You don't have to be, you know?"
"I'm not well."
"I love you."
I put my pen down on my notebook because my left hand was shaking so badly. I didn't dare look at the person next to me to see their reaction. I looked ahead, watching the curtain of rain that was further dropping the temperature. Right now, all I can hear is the rain and your voice.
"Can you say that out loud?"
"That."
It's not just a figment of my imagination.
He is very tired.
We've known each other since we were little and have been together for years. The Phi Fah I know is always strong, a support and a refuge. He never shows his weakness to anyone, not even his parents. But how can that be? After all, we're just normal people. We can't always be strong and patient in the face of everything. We all have a weakness we don't want others to see. Phi Fah must be tired, always thoughtful and attentive to others, a bearer of everyone's dreams and hopes, attentive to everyone's feelings. Yet his feelings are often overlooked.
"I love you."
"Is this the right time to say this?"
"Excuse me."
"Okay, that's enough. Thanks. I'm too tired."
"I know."
"Until?"
"YES."
"How do you know?"
"Because you are my safe zone."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him smile. His gaze was fixed straight ahead. "Why are you like this?"
"What do you mean?"
"You make me fall in love with you over and over again."
Ah, that's a bad thing, Phoon.
Very bad.
My heart was pounding so hard I could barely control it. Luckily, the sound of the rain drowned it out, Phi Fah would have been shocked to hear my heartbeat at that moment.
“You said you had something to say,” I wrote.
"Yes. I'm so tired of being myself. Since birth, I have never known what I like or dislike. I was taught to be happy with others' happiness. I don't know, like thinking of others before myself."
What Phi Fah said didn't surprise me. Even though he never showed it, I'd imagined it. I'd always wondered how he felt. It made me feel guilty for having relied on him so much before, always expecting him to help me and take care of me. It didn't seem like love at all. Then he briefly told me how he'd felt all this time. Anyone who's never been through this wouldn't understand how painful it is to carry around pressure and expectations, but I do. Everyone has their own pain. And we shouldn't judge anyone, because no two are the same.
"I've never told anyone. You were the first one, even the one I wrote those letters to. It's weird, because you're my safe space, so I can tell you everything."
"It's an honour for me."
"Are you disappointed?"
"No, not at all."
"Really? I didn't want to tell anyone for that reason. I didn't feel like myself. No, actually, I don't know who I am."
I don't know why, but it was as if loneliness had taken over his heart.
"You are who you are. Whatever you are, you will always have me."
"Oh. Has anyone ever told you you're very pretty? Maybe because you like photography, planting trees, or being kind. You're effortlessly pretty. How should I put it? Because it's you, everything seems perfect."
The thing I should be most worried about, besides fainting from this dress, is that my heart might give out from Phi Fah.
“You’re the first person to say this,” I wrote.
"I'm glad. Otherwise, it means you've been kind to others." Ah.
This is a bad situation again.
My heart is about to give out, Phoon.
"I have a question."
"What?"
"You said the name Tonfah came from your father wanting you to be the sky and your mother wanting you to be a tree."
"Exactly. And what do you think?"
I was silent for a moment, then wrote in the notebook and handed it back to him.
"I think it means heaven. And love."
Yes, for me Tonfah is heaven and love.
He is heaven and the love of my life.
"Love? Thank you. I never thought anyone would respond that way. I'm glad you're here."
"It's an honour for me."
"Did you show me the previous page to read?"
"I can't do this so quickly." I grimaced, even though no one could see it because I was wearing a mask. I felt like my heart was filling up more and more. It's really good to be here. Phoon.
"And you?"
"IT?"
"Do you want to tell me something? Can I be your safe space? I'll wait until you're ready to tell me, because I'm not going anywhere."
"Thank you."
A safe zone is a place where we feel comfortable telling stories. I'd like to tell Phi Fah everything, too, but there's one thing I can't say. I like what he said, though: that he won't leave. As if, from now on, no matter how hard it rains, it will only be to help a flower like me bloom.
"What do meteorologists think when the rain stops?"
"This rain won't last long."
"I hope the power doesn't go out," Phi Fah commented. I was silent for a moment. True. The last time it rained, the power went out. If the power went out, it would be a problem. I wouldn't be able to keep calm.
"Would you like to order something to eat?"
"No, that's fine."
The rain continued to fall with the same intensity, and silence enveloped us again. When Phi Fah didn't start speaking, I didn't know what to write in response; I clutched my pen and notebook tightly. The more I think about it, the stranger it seems. It was a strange encounter. Yet, I chose not to ask anything. It's a strange relationship. And he had never asked anything before. Phi Fah once said he wouldn't ask or impose anything on people in letters because he knew it would make me uncomfortable. So why this time?
"Why did you want to see me?" I decided to write it down and gave the notebook to Phi Fah. After a while, his sweet voice...
"I just wanted to see you. For no reason. I just wanted to know what it was like to be near you."
"And how do you feel?"
"As you may have noticed, I've never felt so calm. Just knowing you're sitting next to me makes me forget everything. And you? Why did you decide to come visit me?"
"Because you wanted to see me."
"Sending letters and hiding your identity from the start means they're your safe zone, right?"
"Just because it's you, no further explanation is needed."
I smiled widely behind my mask, feeling the heat and my heartbeat quicken.
How did I find the courage to write this? I don't know what the people around me feel. I hope they feel the same.
And it turned out we hardly ever spoke. Every now and then, we'd look at the landscape in Fury. Phi Fah would start a conversation, and sometimes I would too: just short questions and answers. Maybe because we'd talked so much in those letters.
"Can I hold your hand?"
The question remained unanswered for about thirty seconds. I was confused and did nothing. Finally, I put down the notebook and reached out to hold her hand. Our hands touched. And it was such a warm, comforting touch. Phi Fah took my hand, slowly lifted it, and gently kissed the back of it. I was paralysed, as if I had stopped breathing. As I began to regain consciousness, I felt my heart about to explode.
"It smells so good."
I slowly tried to pull my hand away, but Phi Fah gripped it tighter. I let him hold it. He lowered our hands to our sides, transforming the gesture into a simple holding of hands. How warm these hands are! Since my right hand was held, I used my left, my dominant hand, to write in the notebook in my lap. After I finished writing, I handed it to him.
"Have you ever done this with anyone else?"
"Not yet."
"Why?"
"A kiss on the back of the hand is a sign of respect. Did you know that? I've never
I wanted to take care of someone so badly."
I put down my pen and notebook. I shouldn't have asked. I don't know what these conflicting feelings I'm experiencing right now are; I just know I'm so happy I want to die. My heart is pounding so hard I feel a heat rising from my chest to my face, and suddenly the tears are flowing uncontrollably. I can't help it.
I pressed my lips together to hold back a sob, but it was no use. Phi Fah noticed.
"You." His deep voice sounded worried. He slowly approached, but I lowered my head to avoid his gaze. "What's wrong?" I slowly shook my head in response. Please. Don't look at me now.
"Please raise your head. I'm sorry, did I say something wrong?"
I shook my head again. I wanted to say nothing was wrong, but I couldn't. Only happiness and warmth overflowed in my heart. The love I felt in every word and action. I never thought I'd receive it. I was just Phoon. The day I decided to send that letter, it was just to watch and care for Phi Fah from afar. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you for all the emotions you gave me. In the end, all those wishes have a meaning.
"Please don't cry. Raise your head."
"Excursions, excursions."
"Can I dry your tears?"
"Excursions, excursions."
"Lift your head. It's okay. I'll close my eyes, okay? I won't look at you."
"Sobbing." His words made me pause for a moment, even though I was still sobbing. I didn't want to cry, but I couldn't help it. I nodded slowly, indicating it was okay. Phi Fah let go of my shoulder and hand. I looked up and saw him turning away with his eyes closed. So I wiped away my tears, took off my mask, wiped my cheeks, then put it back on. It took me almost a minute to stop crying.
"Are you okay now?"
"Oh, sure. My eyes are closed, and you can't answer," Phi Fah said. "So, if you're okay, can you hold my hand?" I reached out and took his hand.
"Are you feeling better?" I gave his hand a light squeeze, nodding.
"Can I be sure?" At first, I didn't understand what he meant. Then he let go of my hand and turned toward me with his eyes closed. I immediately backed away a little.
"I just wanted to know if you were still crying. You can cover my eyes again if you're afraid I'll open them."
I looked at Phi Fah worriedly, but I understood why he said that. He was probably afraid I'd keep crying. I slowly reached out and covered his eyes. He leaned closer and gently touched my face with his hand. We're too close. His fingers brushed my eyes. Seeing that my tears had dried, he moved his fingers to another area. I felt as if I were hypnotised, as I tried to continue covering his eyes with my hands.
Our faces were inches apart, and we could feel his warm breath. Luckily, we didn't look at each other, or I would have died. His fingers brushed my cheek, and he slowly lowered the mask. I was shocked, but seeing that he couldn't see anything, I tried to remain silent until his thumb touched my lips, moving gently. My body trembled, and without warning, Phi Fah brought his face closer and kissed me softly on the lips. The moment our lips touched, my mind went blank. My hands still covered his eyes, and he moved closer, pressing my body against the suspended chair.
One of his hands gently lifted my chin to facilitate the kiss. I closed my eyes, my heart pounding. My other hand gripped his arm tightly as his warm tongue slid into my mouth, touching and teasing. I didn't dare breathe, feeling his hot breath on my ear and cheek. I didn't know how to return the kiss, but Phi Fah gave me a slow, sweet, and affectionate kiss. His sweet, unmistakable scent enveloped me, and I listened to his breathing mingling with the sound of the rain.
"Hmm."
I let out a low moan as he bit my lower lip. I tried to push him away, but I had no strength. My heart was pounding so hard I felt like I was going to run out of breath or drown. I couldn't hold my breath any longer, so I punched him in the chest with all my strength. Phi Fah slowly backed away. Without thinking, I got up from my chair and ran away. But he stopped me.
"I apologise."
I quickly pulled up my mask while one of my hands was still pressed against it. I was breathing heavily, my chest rising and falling rapidly. I couldn't turn around; I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to get out of there and free my wrist, but...
"Wait. Let me walk you."
I shook my head quickly.
Let me take you with me, you won't be able to return safely.
I adjusted my sweatshirt, put my hands in my pockets, and tried to stay calm, but my mind was in chaos. I couldn't think straight. I simply followed Phi Fah out. The restaurant waiter bowed silently. I didn't notice the rain had stopped. But my legs and hands were shaking. I pressed my lips together tightly, remembering that sweet kiss. I wanted to remember it forever. Our first kiss. So sweet. It almost drives me crazy.
Phi Fah opened the door for me, and I climbed in silently. The luxury car began to move, and I didn't dare look at the person next to me; I just stared out the window. Lord. My heart is working too hard.
"Do you live behind the university?" Phi Fah asked. I nodded slowly. "Tell me where you want me to stay."
The car turned behind the university and continued until I decided to get off at a spot not too close to my house. I signalled where I wanted to get off. The car stopped, and I quickly opened the door.
"Wait," Phi Fah said, grabbing my arm. I was shocked and quickly pulled away, staring at him in complete silence. He smiled faintly when our eyes met.
"I just wanted to tell you. I love the soft feel of your lips when I kiss you.”