South; Beside the Sky. 

Chapter 2. White and purple.

 

"Be careful when you drive."

 

"Yes, see you later."

 

"Okay," I said before looking at the car I'd just driven away. Phi Fah was the one who drove me home to the dorm. We talked a lot about things that had happened while we hadn't met, but nothing special had happened. He probably hardly ever thinks about me. After moving, he has to adapt to new environments and people and keep moving forward. Unlike me, who's still lost, Phi Fah is happy to meet me, even if it's like meeting the younger brother of a neighbour you haven't seen in a long time.

 

I went to my room, tired. Today was quite tiring because I'd been walking all day and was exposed to the heat of the sun. I took off my bag, placed my things next to the bed, grabbed my camera, and opened the photos I'd taken today. I'm so lucky to be able to photograph the bright sky today. There are almost no clouds. You look so colourful today.

 

I glanced at the wall above my desk, where the photos hung. When I started taking pictures, I asked Fan to be a model. She initially refused, saying she didn't like being photographed, but in the end, she always let me photograph her. We travelled to many places together to take photos. So the wall in front of me is full of memories.

 

Strangely, I'd never thought about it before, but after Fan's passing, all those memories came flooding back, as if reminding me not to forget her. Every photo has a story, and every story resonates with me. I remember everything.

 

I sat down on the desk chair. Next to me was a stack of books for the medical exam. Next to it was a bookcase, and on the other side a small drawer. I opened the bottom drawer, where Fan's photos had been taken with a film camera. This photo is also beautiful. I'll paste it later.

 

I remember not liking Fan's clothes in the photo because they were too revealing. Fan wore extra clothes even when it was hot. I always obey Fan's wishes; that's why she's so spoiled. If you think about it, Fan has always obeyed everything I wanted, including having a cat. Because I said I wanted a cat, but my mother wouldn't let me, Phi Fah kept it for me.

 

Mom. I still call her Mom, even though she's not. Not because when someone asks me how Mom is, I want to say, "I don't know. Since Mom divorced my dad, I don't know how she is anymore."

Instead of replying, "I don't know, because I don't know who my mother is. I used to blame everything that happened to me, but after thinking about it, I realise there's a reason for everything. Imagine there's a family: a father, a mother, and a one-year-old daughter. Everything seems to be going well. The family was loving and happy, with a little angel as proof of their love.

 

But suddenly, a child was found abandoned, and it turned out he was the father's son. The family was torn apart. The mother had lost love and trust in her husband, but she still had to stay because their daughter was there, and she also had to be a mother to the child. If he hates me, it's only natural. I'm proof of the wickedness of his life. Every time he looked at me, I didn't know how full of hatred his eyes were.

 

As for dad, he doesn't love my mother. Maybe it's a mistake, but I'm his son. Don't you think you love me at all? I don't know who my biological mother is, but she definitely left me. That's clear. No news, contact, or history has ever led me to know her. She didn't even give me a name. Still, I hope she's okay, somewhere in this world. If we ever meet and she remembers me, I'd like to ask her, "Mom, have you ever thought about me? What do you want me to be when I grow up? What do you want me to learn? Or become?" And have I become what you want?

 

"Typhoon, come out and talk to me."

 

"I do not want."

 

"I'm sorry, Typhoon. Don't get mad, okay?"

 

"You promised to come with me. I don't like people who don't keep their promises."

 

"I have to work in a group with friends. Next time I'll invite you."

 

"I don't want to, I can go alone."

 

"You can't go alone. What will you get lost in?"

 

"Are you interested?"

 

"Typhoon."

 

I sat on the bed, angry and disappointed that Fan had cancelled our date. We'd promised to go for a walk on Saturday, but she said she couldn't because she had a group of friends to work with. What was this? I'd been looking forward to this day!

 

"Open the door. Let's talk." Fan is still standing outside my locked room. Since I have no one but Fan, she must pay special attention to me. Whenever I feel unhappy, I often get angry and disappointed. Fan must be tired, too.

 

"Typhon, you're an unpleasant child."

 

"I won't open it."

 

"If we don't speak well, how can we understand each other?"

 

"There's no need to understand anything."

 

"Ah."

 

Then the voice in front of the room began to fade. I turned my head toward the door. "Aren't you going to beg anymore?" A few moments later, a piece of paper was slipped under the door. I slowly approached and picked it up. The paper was carefully folded, and when I opened it, I saw a handwritten message.

For Typhoon, the stubborn boy.

Phoon, we agreed to go together on Saturday. But you have to understand that I'm busy. Teamwork is crucial this time. If I don't help, my friends will get mad at me. You don't want my friends to yell at me, do you? So, be good and let me go for a while, okay? Next time, I'll ask you to go twice, plus snacks.

Do you agree?

P.S. I know you're waiting for me to seduce you. But if one day I don't seduce you anymore, what will happen to this angry child? Don't worry, stop getting angry. The cake I made is almost ready. If you don't come out, I'll finish it myself!

From Thorfan, the older sister who always seduces this angry little brother.

 

I smiled slightly at the message on the piece of paper. I opened the door and found Fan standing there, waiting for me with the freshly baked cake in his hand. Then we reconciled and sat down to eat the cake together.

 

Since then, we've always written letters through the crack under the door when we were angry, didn't understand each other, or wanted to say something but didn't dare speak directly. We always write letters like that. Fan said that writing a letter conveyed feelings he couldn't fully express, like when he wanted to make peace with me but didn't want to speak. So, he used a letter to express his feelings. Even today, I continue to write the feelings I want to convey to her.

 

I write letters every day. A letter to Thorfan feels like a diary of what I experienced that day. I told Fan everything that had happened in my life. But I never sent the letter anywhere. After writing it, I put it in a drawer. I started writing so soon after Fan's death because I felt alone and wanted to tell someone everything.

The most important thing is the wish I want to convey, just like in the letter Fan once sent me.

Thorfan

The last time you said you'd come to Chiang Mai, the weather was sunny today, so I went for a walk and took photos as usual. I also visited Walking Street. The street looks different. The products sold aren't bought by many people. I found a cheap item for only 150 baht.

The most important thing is that I met Phi Fah. Phi Fah came with a girl named Mona, who was my age. They're in medical school. At first, I thought they were dating, but Phi Fah said Mona was a younger classmate. They might be quite close. They can't go for a walk together unless they're close. Maybe their relationship will develop in the future. Phi Fah seems happy to meet me, like when you meet a brother you haven't seen in a long time.

Phi Fah asked me many things, including Fan. But I said: Fan. Okay.

I'm sorry I lied. I've become a bad boy, but back then, I couldn't think quickly. If I tell the truth, maybe Phi Fah will be angry. What if Phi Fah is disappointed in me? I know Phi Fah isn't that kind of person, but to be honest, I'm very scared. I'm scared of everything. If I lose him, who else will I have?

Phi Fah is still the same. As good as ever. And most importantly, he's getting better and better. I'm sure he's very popular on campus. Of course, he's Phi Fah. Oh yeah, I heard Mona is Phi Fah's protégé. That means Phi Fah is brilliant. He's become an excellent senior doctor. But don't worry. I'll pass the entrance exam. I'll be a doctor who helps needy children, just like you've always dreamed of. :)

I hope you are always happy and healthy there.

With the love and desire that are always present, from.

Typhoon.

 

I folded the sheet of paper, taped it shut, and then put it in a drawer containing similar documents. The paper is piling up because I write every day and have been writing for years. But it's not difficult to preserve it. A small box is enough to store it. As time went by, I went back to reading old letters, remembering every day I'd had. There are good days and sad days. Tears even wet some of the papers. But I've gotten over it. Maybe I'm just thinking to myself, but I'm a little more mature now.

 

There's a notification sound on my phone. I picked it up and saw Phi Fah's message. We just switched lines, right? I can finally talk to Phi Fah.

 

TonFah: Did you sleep?

Typhoon: Not yet, Phi.

TonFah: Where do you want to go tomorrow?

 

Earlier, while I was driving back, Phi Fah mentioned that, having just arrived, I might not yet know the way. If I had time, Phi Fah would show me around town so I could get to know the area better. If I wanted to visit a special place, I could tell him, and Phi Fah would accompany me.

 

Typhoon: I don't know yet, Phi.

TonFah: Do you have time tomorrow?

TonFah: Let's take a walk around campus.

TonFah: So you don't get lost when you go to college.

Typhoon: Sure, Phi.

TonFah: I'll pick you up tomorrow, okay?

TonFah: What time?

Typhoon: At 1:00 PM, Phi.

TonFah: Okay, one o'clock.

Typhoon: Okay.

TonFah: Take care of your health.

Typhoon: Okay, Phi. Take care of your health too.

 

Then our conversation ended. We prayed for each other's health, even though it was only nine o'clock in the evening. I opened his profile and looked at his photo. He looked so beautiful when he accidentally took a photo.

 

I'm only talking this far, but it warms my heart. When I think about meeting him tomorrow, I can't help but smile. He wants to show me around campus so I don't get lost during college. Kind, right? Is he that kind to everyone? I've heard that if you fall in love with someone's kindness, it will be more painful than falling in love with someone who's never loved anyone. I hope you're still as brilliant tomorrow as you were that day.

 

I can't sleep well tonight. I rarely sleep well. There's so much on my mind. Often, when I close my eyes, Fan's shadow appears. Afterwards, I cried all night. Sometimes I have nightmares; I wake up in the middle of the night and realise the tears are already flowing. I dreamed that Fan was driving a car to pick me up and got hit. Sometimes I dream that my father and mother are arguing. That's why sleeping is quite scary for me. Because I'm afraid of nightmares.

 

I once went to the doctor because of this insomnia problem. It interferes with my daily life. However, I didn't explain the cause in detail. I simply said that I was stressed about school and other problems. My insomnia is getting worse, and the doctor agreed. At first, the medication worked well, but the more I slept, the worse my dreams became. So, I stopped taking the medication and chose to endure this insomnia problem. The doctor suggested I see a psychiatrist for depression because it seemed like something else was bothering me. However, I don't want to tell anyone anything about what happened. I didn't dare tell the story or discuss it. I tried to bury everything deeply.

 

People usually go to bed around eight in the evening, but I wake up around one-thirty. I haven't slept for about an hour, and while I did, I didn't sleep well; I woke up several times, so my head hurt. Anyway, I won't be able to sleep anymore, so I'll give up.

 

I woke up, took a shower, washed my face, made coffee, and opened a program to see what courses I had to study for today. Then I started reading books. Should I take extra classes? Maybe there's a good place to study for the exams in Chiang Mai. When's the right time to talk to Dad about it? By that I mean when Dad has free time, and we can talk to him.

 

I didn't forget to stop reading a book around six in the morning to watch the sunrise. Because of this insomnia, I've been used to waking up early for years. Watching the sunrise isn't bad either. The sky changing colours as the sun begins to rise is beautiful. I couldn't help but grab my camera and take pictures. I read a book for almost three hours. At seven in the morning, I went downstairs for breakfast.

 

"You woke up very early," said the aunt who was selling grilled meat. I smiled.

 

"Yes, please. Two grilled meat skewers and a packet of sticky rice, okay?" I replied.

 

"As usual? Aren't you interested in trying the grilled chicken?"

 

"No need, thanks." I smiled shyly.

"But your face doesn't look fresh. Did you sleep last night?" asked the aunt, taking two skewers of grilled meat and putting them in the bag.

 

"I've been wanting to ask you this for a long time. You always look sleepy."

 

"Hehe, I didn't sleep well last night," I replied, handing over the money to pay for the grilled meat. "I'll go first, bye."

 

I said goodbye to my aunt and returned to my room. Many greeted me and said I always looked sleepy. Oh, indeed, I am always tired. I returned to my room, sat down, and began to eat the sticky rice and grilled meat I'd bought earlier. Have you ever heard that those who don't sleep much die sooner? It's true. Since I suffer from insomnia, I often start to forget, even though I've done it before. It seems my brain isn't functioning optimally. If so, how much longer can I live, Fan?

 

Today I have no other activities than waiting for Phi Fah, so I continue reading books. I'm not a brilliant student, unlike Fan and Phi Fa. But because I want to be praised, I've worked hard all this time. Fah always says that hard work will never fail us. If we're not as good as the others, we have to work harder. These good values ​​are the result of patience and dedication. But even though my grades are already good, I still don't get any attention. Fan said he's smart, but he has to work harder because he doesn't like classes. That might be true. I don't like biology, chemistry, or physics. If they asked me what I like, I'd say I want to be a photographer. But never mind. It's just my dream.

 

TonFah: Can we move at two in the afternoon?

TonFah: Phi has a small business.

Typhoon: Okay.

Tonfah: I'm a little late.

Tonfah: The road is very congested.

Typhoon: Okay.

Tonfah: I've arrived.

Tonfah: Walk a little to the left.

 

I turned my head as Phi Fah had ordered, but I saw no one.

 

"That's the right direction, Phoon."

 

"Still confused, huh?" Phi Fah asked with a chuckle. I remained silent because I was ashamed, humiliating myself again in front of him.

 

"Have you been waiting here a long time?"

 

I've been waiting since half past twelve.

 

"No, I just got off!"

 

"Okay, do you want to go now?"

 

“Okay,” I replied as I followed Phi Fah to the car.

 

Since I was a little nervous about going for a walk with him, I'd already gone downstairs to wait at the table. When Phi Fah told me he was postponing, I was too lazy to go back and forth, so I continued waiting there.

 

"Did you have lunch?"

 

"Ah, yes."

 

This morning's grilled pork satay was split into two portions. For some reason, I'm usually not very hungry these days.

 

"Convinced?"

 

"Yes, why?"

 

"Okay, you look a little tired today."

 

"Oh, that's normal."

 

"Normal? You mean you're always like this?" Phi Fah, who was driving, glanced at me. He seemed a little surprised by what he'd heard.

 

"YES."

 

"It doesn't seem very good to me," he said before returning his attention to the road. Phi drives very carefully, which is a good thing because I often suffer from road sickness.

 

"Everything is fine."

 

"Are you sure this is okay?"

 

"Yes, that's fine."

 

No matter what happens, everything will be okay.

 

"If we turn left here, we'll come to the engineering school. But it looks like you won't be studying here," Phi explained, pointing out the university buildings. This is important to someone like me. I grabbed my camera and started snapping pictures.

 

"Do you always carry a camera with you?"

 

"Yes, I like taking pictures."

 

"I remember you liked it since middle school."

 

"Yes," I replied, nodding. My first camera was a birthday present from Phi Fah and Fan, who raised the money to buy it for me because they knew I was starting to get interested in photography, but I didn't have one. I often borrowed my father's camera to take pictures.

 

"There is a building here for public lectures, and some free courses are held here."

 

"Did Phi study here, too?"

 

"It's only been since my second year that I haven't taken too many courses outside of the faculty."

 

"Oh." I kept taking pictures along the way and then pinning them to my bedroom wall. "What buildings are here?" "So, where's my college?"

 

"Off campus, because it needs a lot of land."

 

"Earth?"

 

"For livestock, share with the faculty of agriculture."

 

"Oh," I nodded in understanding. I thought, choosing a veterinary school,

 

"Can I do this?" I like animals, but I'm not sure I can do it well.

 

"There's also a park where you can walk. This is a dam. Do you want to go there?"

 

We stopped at the parking lot, and then I followed Phi on foot. Even though it's afternoon, it's still hot. After walking a bit, we see a dam with a small path running alongside it. Some people were walking there. I like the sky I see from here. I immediately grabbed my camera to take a picture. The sky is above, and the mountain is below. Even though it's hot, the breeze is cool. We walked to a slightly shaded spot under the tree. It's cooler here.

 

"Can we take a break for a bit?" I asked. The heat is tiring me, especially due to lack of sleep and sun exposure. My head is starting to feel a little dizzy.

 

"Of course," said Phi Fah, sitting on the bench next to me. I stole glances at him every now and then. The breeze gently caressed his face, and his hair fluttered in the breeze. The sight made my heart race, but when Phi realised I was watching, I quickly looked away. So beautiful. It's okay to stay like this, no matter what. At least for now, that's how I feel.

 

"Oh, Phi! Typhoon!" Suddenly, a woman approached us, waving cheerfully. "Hello!"

 

That's Mona.

 

"Hi, Mona, are you coming alone?"

 

"Yeah, I'm just walking around because I'm bored in the dorm," he replied. "So, what are you doing?"

 

“Take a walk,” Phi Fah replied.

 

"Well, can we go for a walk together?"

 

"Sure," Phi replied in agreement. I'd already guessed he'd accept, given his friendly nature. I have to come too. Unlike me, I'm a little uncomfortable with strangers.

 

"Typhon, I called you Typhon, right?"

 

"Oh, okay."

 

"Do you like taking pictures too?" Mona asked, glancing at the camera hanging around my neck. I nodded gently in response.

 

"Can I see the photo? I just learned how to take pictures."

"My photos aren't good," I replied. "I prefer to keep my photos to myself because they're good, but not to others."

 

"Okay, I'm not good at it either. Let's exchange photos, okay?"

 

"Yeah, okay." In the end, I couldn't refuse, and we looked at the photos.

 

"Wow, your photo is perfect, Typhoon."

 

“Thanks. Yours is good too,” I replied, handing the camera back.

 

"Oh, just call me Mona," she said with a smile. "Phi, let's take a picture together."

 

Then Mona took Phi Fah's arm. They looked very familiar.

 

“Phi doesn’t like being photographed,” Phi Fah replied, declining Mona’s offer.

 

“Come on, just once,” Mona asked.

 

"Well."

 

"Phoon, please take a picture," Mona said, handing me the camera again. This time, she wants me to take pictures of those two people. There's a very cute little bridge. Taking a picture there will make them look like a couple.

 

"The photo isn't very sharp," Mona said with a slight pout, looking dissatisfied after seeing my shot. The photo is even more in focus against the background than it is.

 

"Sorry, I'm not very good at taking pictures of people."

 

"Okay. I'll upload it to Facebook later. Can I tag Phi Fah?"

 

“Yes,” he replied.

 

On the way home, Mona asked me to take a car with her. She sat in the front seat, while I moved to the back. I sat in the back and watched them talk. Mona is really sweet, good at talking, and very cheerful.

 

"I met Phi Jo yesterday."

"Really? Where did you meet him?"

 

"At the mall. She was shopping with a wonderful man. She even brought her things. I just discovered that Phi Jo can give men such sweet moments by bringing them things. You've heard of Phi Jo, right? I thought she'd never date anyone openly again."

 

“Buying goods? Strange,” Phi Fah repeated.

 

"He's supposed to be her boyfriend, right?"

 

"Maybe," Phi Fah replied. "Jo probably isn't the kind of person who likes to bring things to other people."

 

"But he brought the goods, full in his hands. Items like clothes, cosmetics, and shoes. That man is wonderful, very suitable for Phi Jo. What a shame."

 

"Why did you say that?"

 

"My friend likes Phi Jo. She said he's a really good guy. Even studying here is thanks to Phi Jo."

 

"Truly?"

 

"Yes, I secretly support him too. He said that a man who is no longer a playboy will be very careful. I don't know if that's true."

 

"I do not know."

 

"So, what about Phi Fah? Are you a Playboy too?" I asked in a seductive voice.

 

"NO."

 

"Really?" asked Mona, fishing.

 

“Yes,” Phi Fah replied.

 

"Good then. Thanks for the delivery. See you later, okay? Take care of yourself, Phoon. See you later!" Mona got out of the car when she reached her destination and turned to say goodbye.

 

“Yes,” Phi Fah replied with a small smile, which made Mona’s smile appear wider.

"Oh, Phi Fah, do you have time?"

 

"There is. Why?"

 

"I'd like to ask the part I don't understand."

 

"Really? Did you read the material first?"

 

"Of course, I'm a Phi Tonfah student, so I have to give it my all," Mona said enthusiastically. "So, do you have time?"

 

"I have time."

 

"Then I'll call you later, okay? Don't forget to answer the phone."

 

"YES."

 

"Phoon."

 

"YES?"

 

“Just go ahead,” Phi Fah suggested.

 

“Okay,” I replied, then got out of the car and moved to the front seat.

 

"Go home right away?" asked Phi Fah.

 

"All right."

 

"All right."

 

As I walked back to the dorm, I looked out the window. The sun was setting, and I felt something filling my chest, like a cloud of smoke. I didn't like the feeling.

 

"Then I'll call you later, don't forget to answer the phone." Fan, he's closer to heaven than to me.

 

“Do you want to stop for a bite to eat before you go home?” asked Phi Fah.

 

"No need, I'm not hungry yet."

 

"Are you sure? Phi thinks you should eat something. You look pale."

 

"No, that's fine."

 

"Phoon, what's wrong?" Phi Fah asked again.

 

"No, nothing."

 

"Since I met you yesterday, you haven't been as bright as usual. What happened?"

His tone sounded anxious. I didn't know how he felt when he said that, and I didn't even see the expression on his face because I didn't turn to look at him.

I actually don't feel well.

 

"No, nothing." What could be happening? I turned and gave the person next to me a big smile.

 

"We can stop for something to eat," I said. Something might make me feel better. The luxury car stopped at a roadside food stall. I knew it wasn't good to keep everything to myself. Fan had taught me that. But now it's become a habit. All this time, I've been alone.

 

“Couldn’t sleep last night, huh?” asked Phi Fah, who was sitting across from me.

 

"Why do you think that?"

 

"It seems predictable."

 

"Then go home and rest."

 

"Perhaps."

 

The care you give everyone isn't good, Phi Fah. You know, a lot of people fall into your kindness trap. From the beginning, I knew it would only hurt if I fell for it. You must have a certain charm. To people you don't think about. After we finished eating, we walked back to the car. My gaze fell on the plant shop next door. I love plants because they calm me down in the shop next door. I love plants because they give me a feeling of calm in an inexplicable way.

 

"Do you want to see it?" asked Phi Fah.

 

"Can we take a look for a moment?"

"Try it."

 

When I was at home, I planted lots of plants. Now, my aunt is probably taking care of them. My father has moved away with his new family. At home, there's only my father and the maid. When I moved into the dormitory, my balcony was overflowing with stuff; there was barely room for a potted plant.

 

"Is there anything that catches your eye? Would you like to plant it on your dorm balcony?" asked the salesman who approached us.

 

"Oh, yes. I just wanted to see first," I said, smiling broadly at them. I couldn't buy it because there was no place to plant it, but I wanted to see it until I finally stopped at the potted flowers on the shelf. Hyacinth. Hyacinths are winter flowers that can live even in air-conditioned rooms, so there's no need to worry about your balcony not having enough space.

 

"Are you interested?" asked Phi Fah, who was standing behind me. I turned and looked at him gratefully, and he nodded. "Then Phi will buy it."

 

"Will you buy it?"

 

"Yes. If you can be that smart, Phi will believe it."

 

“Thank you,” I said, expressing my gratitude, then smiled slightly at Phi Fa. “Does Phi Fah want to quit too?”

 

"No, I don't think I have time to deal with it."

 

"Too bad," I said, a little disappointed. "If we could have left it together, there would have been more to discuss." Phi Fah looked at me thoughtfully, as if he were thinking about something.

 

"Okay, but Phi Fah can't guarantee that he'll be taken care of."

 

"Okay," I said hopefully, before looking back at the shelf of hyacinths. It would be better to buy some already-blooming plants rather than plant from scratch. "So, can I buy some for Phi Fah as a reward?"

 

"Oh?"

 

"That's okay, right?"

 

"Okay," Phi Fah replied, shaking his head slightly and then flashing a thin smile. I chose the purple hyacinth flower. I stopped the clerk to ask him to wrap it.

 

"Can Phi Fah pick a colour for me?"

 

“Sure,” PhiFah approached, then glanced at the hyacinths on the shelf and selected a white one for me.

 

"White colour? Why?" I asked.

 

"Phi, I think that colour suits you," he said, leaving me momentarily stunned. What did the white colour of the hyacinth mean? Meaning. Absolutely not. Phi Fah probably didn't understand the meaning of the flower. He must have just thought that white suited me.

 

"Why did you choose the purple hyacinth?"

 

“Eh, nothing special,” I replied.

 

"I just wanted to give it."