South; Beside the Sky. 

"Why are you doing this?"

 

"Do you think you can do something to me just because you consider me your Nong?"

 

"Calm down."

 

"How can I calm down? I'm human too, Phi. You can't treat me like this."

 

"Damn it, Jo. Tell your boyfriend to stop acting so grumpy."

 

"I told you, he's a hot-tempered player."

 

"Phi Arthit! I'm your Nong, right? Do you consider me your Nong?"

 

"Yes, are you my Nong or do you want to be my wife?"

 

"Fall."

 

"I know, Jo. I'm not going to tease your wife without thinking."

 

"You play so rudely."

 

"I know, I tried too with all my strength."

 

The scene before me is North and Phi Arthit playing mobile games together. I've never seen North angry about anything other than the game, and he's sincere about it. But the cutest photo is of North sitting on Joe's lap. It's become a familiar scene because they've been like this ever since they started dating.

 

Ter sat down next to Hill, leaning on his arm. I sat down next to Foam and faced Phi Fah. Things like this happen often because my friend is out with his friend, but we don't look at each other or talk. I usually come over to sit and play with Foam more often.

 

Phi Fah is seriously writing an essay. Next to him is a box of chocolate milk I bought him this morning. I can't help but smile. Why am I so happy? Phi Fah only drinks the milk I bought him. The one Phi Fah sent back is in my bag. I haven't even opened it to see what's inside. I'll go back to my room and check.

 

"Phi, I clicked, I clicked. Why did you leave?"

 

"Open your eyes wide. If I add my blood, you'll all die."

 

"Phi, diglielo."

 

"North."

 

"Why, Phi? What do you want to do?"

 

"You're bothering me. You need to see me face-to-face. Damn, you have such a rough mouth."

 

"I'm just criticising you. Do you think I'm scared?"

 

"I think you and I are too close."

 

We laughed at the two people who were angry because they were playing. I rarely see Phi Arthit like this because I don't talk to him often. But when I saw him with North, it was really funny.

 

"I'm just kidding. Anyway, I still respect you."

 

"You slapped me, you know that?"

 

"Oh, you didn't say I can't do it."

 

"You're a brat!!!"

 

They both laughed. It's funny watching North and Phi Arthit play together. When North played with his engineer friends, the atmosphere was the same. But North said he didn't want to play with us because he didn't want to swear and feel guilty. But why does Phi Arthit play while Phi Fah works?

 

"Fah. Where are you going?"

 

"I need to go to the bathroom," Phi Fah replied to Phi Hill after getting up from the table. North looked away from his phone screen and at Phi Fah.

 

"Phi Thit, Phi Fah is angry with us?"

 

"NO."

 

"But we were so loud that we forgot Phi Fah was at work."

 

"Okay. Halfway through the concert, Fah will also read a book. You can keep playing, but the top lane will fight again."

 

"Hey, how are we going to fight?"

 

At first, I was a little worried Phi Fah would be mad at me for sitting at the table with him, but it's been almost a year. That shouldn't be a problem. Besides, even though it's a little awkward, as I said before, I still want to see him.

 

"Thit, what are you doing?"

 

"I am hungry."

 

“Fah will get angry later,” Phi Hill said to stop Phi Arthi, who was about to open Phi Fah’s bag.

 

"Oh, very good."

 

"Fall."

 

"Everything is fine."

 

Ugh.

 

"Do what you want, but know that Fah forbids you," Phi Hill said, sighing slightly. I looked at Phi Arthit, who was rummaging through Phi Fah's bag, confused, and I immediately understood when I saw Phi Arthit pull out the snack I'd bought for Phi Fah this morning. Hold on, just in case.

 

"Hey!" North shouted as soon as he saw the unexpected action. "Okay?"

 

"Fah doesn't care. It's normal."

 

"Did you say it's normal to steal things?"

 

"Damn, you make me look bad."

 

“No, but it sure looks that way now,” North said quietly, but everyone heard him.

 

"I won't eat it. I'm just kidding."

 

"Truly?"

 

"What!" Phi Fah's voice rang out behind Phi Arthit as he was about to open the bag of snacks. I was afraid Phi Arthit would eat it, but Phi Fah returned promptly. "What are you doing?"

 

"Let me rest a bit, Fah. I'm hungry."

 

"That's not allowed," Phi Fah said, taking the snack from him. Phi Arthit shrugged nonchalantly. "You're very stingy. It's just a snack."

 

“I already said Fah is going to be mad,” Phi Hill said.

 

"Fah, are you mad at me? It's just a snack, there's nothing to worry about."

 

“I’m not mad,” Phi Fah said as he sat down and put the snack back in his bag.

 

"I told you Fah wouldn't get angry."

 

"But I won't do your homework anymore this semester."

 

"Phi Fah is very protective of his snacks, you know."

 

"Foam, stop teasing me, you've been teasing me since we left."

 

"This is a big problem. Can't you see he doesn't want his snack touched?"

 

"Foooooommmmm."

 

"Okay, okay, let me go."

 

"Hmmm. Be careful on the road."

 

"Okay. See you soon."

 

"Until we meet again."

 

I stood there watching Foam, who had taken me back to the dorm, grinning broadly, unable to contain it. Ever since I arrived, I'd been trying to hold back the smile.

Phi Fah also protects my snacks.

I rushed to my room and sat down at the table, feeling ashamed of myself. Oh God. Why is my heart pounding so fast? Am I having a heart attack? My face feels so hot.

Without hesitation, I immediately opened my bag, took out the item Phi Fah had given me, and opened it.

 

Since Phi Fah first sent me something back, we've exchanged gifts and written each other short letters as pen pals for almost a month. In the past, it was just a simple snack with a note, like "Enjoy your meal" or "Have a nice day." These are normal messages, but they've never been so to me. This time, there's an unknown box of chocolates. It must be expensive.

 

Along with a piece of paper with the message:

~Is this chocolate as sweet as you? :)~

 

"What is this? For me?"

 

"Hey, can you lift your head up a little so I don't talk to you from the back of your head?"

 

"North."

 

"The voice is gone."

 

"Nordhhh!!!"

 

"Seeing!" North's laughter came from a video call taking place in front of me. After seeing Phi Fah's message, I almost had a heart attack. It took me almost ten minutes to calm down. Someone and North were listed as the last participants in the chat.

 

"North, I think."

 

"What?"

 

"My hands are shaking. Will my heart explode, too?"

 

"Be careful, Phoon."

 

As my face turned red, I continued to cover it with my hands. When I looked up, I saw North comfortably stretched out on the couch, eating a snack.

 

"Want some chocolate? It might make you feel better.

 

"I don't want to," I said softly. "I don't want to eat anyone's chocolate anymore."

 

"You just want Fah's chocolate, right?"

 

"Eh, here."

 

"Or do you want chocolate as sweet as you?"

 

"North! When will you stop making fun of me!!"

 

"Sorry, I held it back. It's been a long time since I joked with anyone."

 

"Is this a flirtatious message or something?" I asked again. The person on the video call sighed in annoyance.

 

"Oh, you've asked me that a hundred times."

 

"We've become pen pals, haven't we? No more Phi and Nong?"

 

"What do you want from him? Oh, didn't Phi Fah chase you enough?"

 

"Ahhhhh. At first I thought, 'We'll just be pen pals,' as if talking was enough."

 

"Are you the type of person who talks a lot?"

 

"Um, but not an adventurer like you."

 

"I told you, be an adventurer. What if Kang ends up with a dog? Kang isn't just cat food like you."

 

"Did you say Phi Fah is Kang?"

 

"Am I comparing him?" North repeated, sounding bored. "Don't stay in your comfort zone; later you'll stay there for the rest of your life."

 

"I know. I need time."

 

"But Phi Fah, he already left his comfort zone first," North said. "Hey, didn't you say you wanted to seduce Phi Fah? Phi Fah seduced you. What would you do if I made him like it first?"

 

I buried my face even deeper into that large stuffed cat. I was so embarrassed by what North had said that I almost bit his ear. Not knowing where to vent my feelings, I hit him.

 

"Calm down. Look, Supaporn's ear is broken."

 

"I hate the name Supaporn."

 

"Phi Phung Dai gave him that name."

 

"I also hate the name Phi Phung Dai.

 

This fat puppet, Daotok, called him Supaporn, a name he said didn't suit his face. But no problem, Supaporn is still Supaporn.

 

"Eh, where did Phi Jo go?" I asked.

 

"He hasn't come back yet."

 

"Work?"

 

"Hmm." North pouted slightly. He's always like this when we talk about Phi Jo, but he's not here with you. Does he realise that? "There's some work to do, but since it's urgent, he needs to go help."

 

"Mmm, that's great."

 

"Phi Fah is awesome too."

 

"Why?"

 

"I heard Phi Fah and Phi Jo are discussing a hospital equipment project. Phi Fah is deeply involved in his family's hospital business and appears to be experiencing equipment issues. Perhaps he knew how to fix the problem and asked Phi Jo for advice."

 

"Wow. So they're going to repair or upgrade the equipment?" I asked, surprised.

"I think so. I see they'll check it out together first. If it goes well, they'll develop a plan and present it to Phi Fah and Phi Jo's parents. The company will handle the work with the hospital.

 

"Wow, fantastic." My eyes widened in disbelief. "This is the work the company will do with the hospital."

 

"Wow, that's amazing." My eyes widened in disbelief. That seems really exaggerated. "So Phi Jo is interested in Phi Fah's idea?"

 

“Anything that can make money, Phi Jo will be interested,” North said with a laugh.

 

"As an entrepreneur, if you can see the profit potential and the path to follow, you have to have the courage to take risks and invest."

 

"You're amazing. I can't do this." Then North and I chatted nonstop for almost fifteen minutes before I realised he'd led me off to another topic again, almost making me forget what we were talking about.

 

"So, what are you going to do now?" North asked, raising his eyebrows and pretending to be very serious. I replied, frowning.

 

"I don't know. I think I'll keep talking."

 

"Don't you want to answer the question if you're 'sweet as chocolate'?"

 

"So, do you want me to do it?"

 

"Just say, 'I'm sweeter than your chocolate,'" North said. Then he laughed. It's always funny when he says it himself. "I'm just kidding. I'm not serious."

 

"I won't say," I shook my head. "If my relationship with Phi Fah improves, it doesn't seem to matter, but secretly I'm scared."

 

"What are you afraid of?"

 

"Like. That's me in that letter. If Phi Fah knew, would he be disappointed?"

 

"Why are you disappointed?"

 

"It's my fault."

"What's wrong with you?" North raised a confused eyebrow. "Don't be depressed. I think your dad's more worried than Phi Fah. If he'd known, it could have ended."

 

"Oh, that's right," I said, remembering my father. "I haven't contacted him in a long time. It's been almost a month. Uncle Kong's most frequent call is to inquire about the money he transferred to me. I haven't spoken to you in a long time."

 

"Luckily, it's far away. There's nothing to be afraid of."

 

"That's not the case," I said, shaking my head. "Anyway, if he were in charge, I could have been transferred. He doesn't care if I have friends or anything, what our relationship will be like, or what happens to him. After all, I can't reveal the identity of the person in that letter."

 

"After you've pleased him, will you disappear? Why are you so cruel?"

 

"I didn't say I was going to disappear."

 

"You've already disappeared from Phi Fah once. Will you disappear again this time?" North asked with a serious expression. "Back then, I thought you were very evil."

 

"I know," I nodded, either because it hurt Phi Fah's feelings in some way, or because I said it without any excuse. "Even though I said he had a reason, he didn't know it. Besides, even if I did have a reason, I only hurt others. That's unacceptable, right?"

 

“Yes. Now you understand,” North said before falling silent.

 

"I'm learning from my mistakes, aren't I?" I said. Those are the words North says often, the words I usually think of when I blame myself.

 

"Don't do it again."

 

"I understand. This time it'll be better than before," I said with a smile. "I have to do something."

 

"Yes, if Phi Fah presents himself like this, one day you'll be gone. You can't let your father's story continue like this."

 

"But I don't have a good idea. Talking to him never worked."

 

"How about we take extreme measures?"

"What do you mean?"

"What is your father's job?"

 

"He works in a real estate company."

 

"Should I ask Phi Jo to buy that company for you? If you own a company, you can blackmail your father."

 

"North, what is your heart made of?" I said, chuckling. North doesn't inherit Phi Jo's rich nature, but he likes to joke like that. Sometimes he thinks he'll ask Phi Jo to buy the world and send people he doesn't want to Mars, or buy a university so he can get straight A's. "It's scandalous."

 

"I'm just kidding. Forget about your father for now. The thought of it makes my head spin. We'll take care of the current one."

 

"Oh, but you started talking about my father."

 

"Oh, there's no need to think about it. Just forget it."

 

I changed the subject because I didn't want to think about it. Isn't it easy?

 

"And now what happens?"

 

"Let's get back to the original question," North said with a sigh. I glanced at Phi Fah's letter I'd left on the table, wondering how to respond. Seeing the photo of the two of them and Dao didn't help. "I think I'll keep talking to him."

 

"Don't you want to make any more moves?"

 

"Do you want me to move?"

 

"I can't wait for you to do it."

 

"Yeah, I think it's best to go slow. Oh, I just bought a Polaroid camera," I said, showing North the camera I'd decided to buy yesterday. "I can take some pictures and send them to Phi Fah."

 

"Yes, it's fun."

 

"Hmm. Polaroid is awesome, right?" I began a long speech about the benefits of Polaroid photos. As a camera enthusiast, I'd unconsciously gone a bit overboard, until North gave me a bored look. "The colour of the photo that comes out is gorgeous."

 

"Okay, fine. But don't send a selfie by accident, okay?"

 

"Are you crazy?"

 

"I think Phi Fah must be very romantic." North stood up, grabbed another snack, then sat back down to continue eating. "Looking at the sentence he wrote, how could he not be ashamed?"

 

"Hmm." I raised my eyebrows at North's words.

 

"Isn't that romantic?"

 

"Yes, you lost."

 

"I lost."

 

"Losing to romantic people?"

 

"Lost by Phi Fah."

 

“You’re good, aren’t you? You should have used that phrase,” North laughed a little.

We chatted casually for a bit. I don't often talk like this with friends, but I usually talk to Dao because Dao doesn't have many conversation partners. Meanwhile, Ter and North are already with their boyfriend, Foam, who apparently has a new person to talk to.

 

"Okay, Phoon, I'd like to ask you something."

 

"What?"

 

"Why do you want Phi Fah to be your heaven?"

 

"It's not that I want it, because now he has become my heaven."

 

"But didn't he say it couldn't be heaven for anyone?"

 

"Hmm." I nodded gently. "I'll let him be himself, you know. Even if he doesn't accept it, I won't force it on him. Like, 'If I like you, that's my problem.'"

"Yes, you're stubborn. I like that."

 

Even though I'm afraid of lightning or dark skies, I still love it. No matter what, I still love it because it's him. The sky is beautiful at any time. It's still beautiful to me when the sun rises or sets, when there are clouds and rain, at night with or without stars. So, even though Phi Fah says the sky isn't always beautiful, I believe it is.

 

"Maybe Phi Fah has a side I've never seen—as you said, there are always many sides to that person. But if I approach him slowly like this, little by little, I hope we can get to know each other better."

 

"HI."

 

"How are you feeling?"

 

"Just do it."

 

"Have you been awake long?"

 

"Not exactly,"

 

"Do you have a headache?"

 

"Fuck you."

 

"Eat and take your medicine." I put the bag of groceries on the counter of the couch where Arthit was sitting; he looked like he hadn't slept. Last night he was drunk and knocked on my door. I didn't ask him why he came here. It's because he doesn't want to go home. He was drunk on the couch all day, so he didn't go to campus today. I have to buy him food, lend him a couch, and finish his homework.

 

"Thank you. God bless me," Arthit joked before opening his lunchbox. "Sorry to bother you."

 

"No problem. Why are you getting so drunk?" He shrugged nonchalantly, continuing to chew his food. I turned my head away from the person eating. If this is the most common reason, I don't want to ask him anymore. I sat down on the couch next to him, feeling tired. Today is so tiring...

 

"You look tired."

"Um, tired."

 

"Aren't you tired?"

 

"Yes, I'm tired." I smiled unconsciously. "And you?"

 

"Hahaha, if I were you, I'd be stupid."

 

"What do you mean? Stupid person?"

 

"Yes, you!"

 

Hill once said that Arthit and I are like polar opposites. Arthit is a freedom-loving person; he doesn't care about anything or anyone, and he can go anywhere. Unlike me, he does what he wants and enjoys caring for others, sometimes to the point of being excessive, but it's become a habit since childhood.

 

"Do you remember?"

 

"Remember what?"

 

Hill once said, "If you and I get together, we'll be perfect people."

 

"But I don't want to be with you."

 

"I don't want to either. It's just a comparison." I turned to him. "What?"

 

"What?"

 

"Do you have a cigarette?"

 

"Yes, why?"

 

"Can I have one?"

 

"Do you want to smoke?"

 

"Hmm."

 

I'm not a chain smoker, only sometimes, when I can't control my emotions, like this time. We went out onto the balcony and smoked together. “Are you okay? I thought you were drunk,” I asked.

 

"Sure, why isn't that okay?"

 

I inhaled the grey smoke deeply and exhaled. The scene before me was very familiar, filled with thin smoke.

 

"It's not good."

 

"What's wrong?"

 

"You, you smoke and wear a student uniform."

 

"It's okay, no one saw me."

 

"I see you."

 

"You don't matter, Thit." I turned and saw the person standing next to me. He had tied his messy hair back and was wearing a black T-shirt and shorts. He looked tired. "Did you say it doesn't suit me?"

 

"What do you want me to answer?"

 

"Just answer."

 

"Um, there's nothing wrong. Smoking's not a big deal."

 

"Hmmm." I stared into the distance, blank and empty.

 

I am the "sky," the sky my father desires. The sky is higher than all the others, and the tree my mother desires has always been a refuge for others. But... what about me? Do I want to be like that?

 

Ever since I was born and my parents gave me this name, everyone has expected me to do everything. They expect me to be a good person, a good student, and a kind person, no matter what. So I was taught to be that way from a young age. My parents taught me to sacrifice, be patient, do things for others, and take care of everyone. Others should always come first. It becomes a habit that sometimes I don't realise. Heaven has to be this way or that. I always follow these expectations until one day a question arises: who am I really?

 

I have to be the best in the class so no one is disappointed, but when the results are as expected, why don't I feel happy? My parents named me Tonfah even before my mother got pregnant. They had planned what Tonfah would be like. Sure, it's not forced, but I'm used to doing what others expect of me. But it's not all that bad. I can do it, and I've done it well. Sometimes, it's really tiring.

 

I need to see the people around me happy to feel satisfied. My mother is happy with my good grades because she's much happier seeing that my grades are excellent compared to everyone else's. Jo once said that this kind of nature can't be changed, but thinking about everyone and everything is very tiring. Jo would like me to slow down a bit if I'm tired on any given day.

 

"You can't worry about everyone. If two people cry in front of you, you can only choose one person to entertain, right? Out of priority. Not everyone has to be important to you."

 

These are the words Johan once told me. But, aside from my closest friends and family, everyone is equally important to me. Maybe because I've never thought that of others.

 

"You've put him in the same space since we first met. How else can you open your heart to him?" Yes. If you look closely, I've always had a wall ever since I met someone. If you're close enough, you can see the wall. But not everyone can get that close.

 

I can't accept anyone's feelings. I'm afraid they'll be disappointed. Like now, when I smoke, anyone who sees me will be disappointed. Because Tonfah is good in every way. But for me, I'm not like that. I only have myself. But why do I feel so empty?

The sky or the tree my parents want. Is that me? Because I'm not perfect, I never am.

 

I'm just a normal person. Everyone who comes here expects me to be what they want. I'm not as attractive as Johan or Hill. I get bored. Someone once said I'm worth looking for. But honestly, even if you looked, you wouldn't find anything. A woman I once dated, who ultimately had to break up with us because we weren't compatible, said I was the perfect man. But I'm not like that.

 

Like everyone else, he has hopes for me. But I don't feel the same way; I see him more as a friend. I didn't understand that feeling before, but now I know it's not love.

 

"Fah."

 

"Hmm."

"I heard Mind expressed his feelings to you yesterday?"

 

"How do you know?"

 

"And then what happened?" Arthit cut my question short.

 

"ThanMind?"

 

Mind is the star of my faculty. At first, Mind appreciated Hill, but as soon as Ter arrived, Mind felt devastated. He couldn't take it anymore, so he came to consult me. I gave him all the advice I could. As of yesterday, Mind came and told me I'd improved the situation, that I was like a light or something, and that he'd finally expressed his feelings.

 

"I refuse it."

 

"Oh, so how are you feeling?"

 

"Like a fool."

 

"Really? Are you cursing yourself?"

 

I nodded.

 

"Why are you cursing yourself?"

 

"Should I give him hope?"

 

"Did you give him hope?"

 

"No." I shook my head. I did what I usually do: I took care of him as if he needed help. "He just wants to have hope."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Hmm," I nodded. "Why?"

 

"If I had been clear from the beginning, it would have ended faster."

 

"If I had been like that from the start, I would have been considered cruel. If I cared for him but didn't love him, I would definitely have been considered cruel," I said, shrugging slightly.

 

"In the end, no matter what I do, I'm always cruel."

 

"Oh, there's no need to think about it. I shouldn't have asked you that. You're too demanding," Arthit said contemptuously.

 

"Next time, if you meet someone like that, just tell them you don't like it, so you don't have to think about it yourself."

 

"Is this what you want?"

 

"Yes. Everyone really likes it. But don't be too selfish."

 

"Damn," I laughed. "If I say I don't like it, I'll embarrass that person."

"So? It's just a way to clarify the situation from the beginning."

 

Ugh.

 

"This is for you." I shook my head slightly. "Jo said you need to get some clarity first, set priorities so that not everyone is considered equally important." She continued.

 

"Oh, that's good advice. Go on."

 

"I don't know. Have you ever had anyone important who wasn't a friend or family member?"

 

"Do you want to consult me? Seriously?"

 

"I'm just asking."

 

"In short, try to open your heart to someone. Having a partner is the most important thing, right? That way you can devote some attention to others."

 

"Did you give me relationship advice?"

 

Arthit shook his head and grimaced in annoyance. Oh. Exactly, because Arthit is the furthest thing from the word love.

 

"And the person who wrote you a letter?"

 

"Why?"

 

"Oh, I heard you said you'd open your heart to him."

 

"Hmm, this is the type I like."

 

I like ordinary things that are special. Although our conversation was simple, he never considered changing it. Those sentences kept suggesting simple things like not eating late, getting enough rest, or talking about the weather, until they finally became sweet, sweet, and sweeter. Johan said that if he'd reached the point of "so lovely," he'd entered the danger zone. Many people wrote me letters, but I never responded to any of them.

 

This is the first time I've responded; I didn't even notice. Usually, if he doesn't respond, I get nervous and send him a message asking, "Don't you like chocolate?" or "Do you like it? Tell me."

 

But this person remains simple. It's as if he's willing to take care of me without expecting anything in return. Why do others approach me as if I'm special, even though I'm a normal person? I just want something normal like this. So, I like it when he treats me like this.

 

"Fah."

 

"Hmm."

"How much does the chocolate I bought cost?"

 

"550 dollars."

 

"That's about 17,400,000 baht."

 

I checked the dollar-to-baht conversion before taking out my phone to transfer money to Thit. I asked him to buy me some chocolate when he went abroad. This is the best chocolate brand. Is it as sweet as the person who received it?

 

“Damn, all my friends are wasteful,” Arthit said after seeing the amount transferred to his account.

 

"And you?"

 

"What have I done? My money is my money."

 

"Very touching."

 

“Do you want to go home now?” I asked as we walked back to our room.

 

"Looks like I'm going home now. I'll borrow a shirt to change into; I smell of alcohol."

"In the closet," I said before Arthit went to the closet. Then I remembered I'd also brought a bag of snacks today. But since I was busy all day, I didn't have time to open it to see what he'd sent me. I pulled a blue paper bag out of my bag. I'm curious to see what he'll say this time. I found a chocolate bar, a bottle of soda, and a Polaroid.

 

Eh?

A photo? I raised my eyebrows in surprise. I pulled it out and saw it was a photo of the box of chocolates I'd bought him. The chocolate inside had been eaten; only the box and the wrapping remained.

 

On the back of the Polaroid is a message that reads:

"I don't know what kind of chocolate this is, because I've never had it. But this box of chocolates has just the right sweetness. Delicious. Thank you."

 

When I read that message, I couldn't help but smile. If, as Johan said, this is dangerous, oh God. He's someone I like.