South; Beside the Sky. 

I could only remain silent, staring at the person in front of me in confusion, before my heart began to pound so hard. It was hard to control. This isn't right; my heart shouldn't be pounding like this.

 

"Do you remember the reason?"

 

"Phoon."

 

"Yes," I immediately regained consciousness, turned my head, and listened to Phi Fah's words. "Yes, why?"

 

"When I was a kid, when Phi Fah just called me 'Phi,' you were confused as to who 'Phi' was. Since we know a lot of the kids in the house, Phi Fah has to say my name, so you know."

 

"OH."

 

"Don't you remember?"

 

"No, I don't remember."

 

I don't remember the history of Phi Fah and I don't remember that Phi Fah was once called only by that word.

 

"Phi." What's the reason? Is it habits you've had since childhood?

 

"Yes, if you don't call it that, you won't get used to it."

 

Ah. It's just an old habit. It shouldn't be necessary, but my heart had hoped for something, and now it hurts so much. How can he do this just because I'm special? It's so silly.

 

"Y... yes, that's true. But Phi Fah doesn't need to call you that anymore, unlike when you were a kid," I said slowly, breathing heavily as my chest tightened.

 

"Hm, okay, I'm used to it."

 

"Oh, okay."

 

"Or do you not like it? If you don't like it, Phi Fah won't nominate me."

 

"It's not that I don't like it," I replied honestly. Even if it's just a habit or something else, being like this only happens to me. It's better, right? It should be better.

 

"Phi can just call himself by his first name."

 

"So, Phoon. I called you the same as before," Phi Fah said with a kind smile.

 

"Well."

 

"By the way, how are you finding your home? Has it changed much?

 

"Some of the pastry shops are gone, and the field where we used to play is now a row of buildings," I said, thinking about how much the home environment has changed since my childhood. Everything changes over time, and it often brings back old memories.

 

"The warehouse. Our headquarters has also been dismantled."

 

"Ah, what a shame, yes."

 

"Yes, what a shame."

 

"Don't worry," Phi Fah said, getting up from the couch. "Phi, make some hot chocolate. Who knows, maybe you'll get some sleep." I was surprised that he'd suddenly changed the subject, but I nodded quickly.

 

"Me helping?"

 

"No need, do you like the sweet one?"

 

"It shouldn't be too sweet."

 

"Okay," Phi Fah replied, and I watched him enter the small kitchen. Soon, the hot chocolate was on the table in front of me.

 

"Thanks," I said before picking up the mug and tasting the hot chocolate. "Doesn't Phi drink either?"

 

“No,” he replied.

 

"Try drinking a little. I wonder if Phi might sleep better," I suggested, handing him the cup again. Phi Fah just shook his head gently.

 

"I usually sleep soundly. Because I rarely have time to rest."

 

"OH."

 

"I usually find a way not to get too sleepy."

 

"Your college is tough, huh?" I asked, taking another sip of hot chocolate. It's so good. It reminds me of Fan. When I couldn't sleep and disturbed her, Fan would wake up to make me something so I could sleep well.

 

"Yes, veterinary medicine is pretty tough, too. Keep up the good work, okay?"

 

"Okay," I nodded, then looked out the window. The rain seemed to be getting heavier and showed no signs of letting up.

 

"If there's anything you don't understand, you can ask me anytime."

 

"Ask?"

 

"Yes, the first year isn't too difficult. I can help you if you need it."

 

“Okay, thanks,” I replied softly.

 

"Later. If necessary, I'll ask." My words made Phi Fah smile widely.

 

"Then go to sleep, okay? Do you want an extra blanket?"

 

"There's no need."

 

"Okay, I'm going to sleep early. Goodnight again."

 

"Goodnight to you too."

 

Phi Fah went to the refrigerator for water, then went to his room, leaving again in silence. I remembered something, so I took out my phone and snapped a photo of an empty hot chocolate cup on the table. It's the only photo on my Instagram that doesn't feature the sky. I added a caption: "Good night, again."

 

"Morning has come," the voice that made me famous woke me. Sleepily, I opened my eyes and saw Phi Fah slowly waking me.

 

"Ah, yes."

 

I slowly stood up, and the sunlight streaming in from outside made me rub my eyes. Phi Fah immediately grabbed my hand, stopping me from moving.

 

"Don't rub your eyes." I saw his hand still holding my wrist before he took it away.

 

"Well."

 

"First go take a shower. Then we'll have breakfast together."

 

"Are you having breakfast?"

 

"Yes, we'll prepare the breakfast I mentioned together."

 

Oh... that's right. We'll cook together.

 

After showering and getting ready, I put on my clothes from yesterday because I thought they were still wearable. I might go home today, so I went out and saw Phi Fah preparing the ingredients in the kitchen.

 

"Help me cut the vegetables, okay. You can do that, right?"

 

"It could be a little."

 

I went over to help him. As I said, I'm not very good at it, but I can manage a little because I often helped Fan cook. As I chopped vegetables, I looked at Phi Fah next to me and felt a warm feeling in my heart. Phi Fah at a moment like this. I never imagined I'd see him like this.

 

“Be careful, don’t hurt your fingers,” he warned me, perhaps because he saw me daydreaming, until I quickly straightened out of embarrassment.

 

"It looks like you can do it."

 

"YES?"

 

"You can do it too. I told you, right? Believe in yourself."

"Ah, thank you." I smiled unconsciously.

 

It feels good to be like this. Even if it's just a sibling, it might be okay if it doesn't hurt too much. I still want a sibling, regardless of my condition. I don't want time to change that.

 

While we were cooking, the phone suddenly rang. Phi Fah turned to the phone on the table, quickly dried his hands, and picked it up. As I continued preparing the ingredients, I couldn't see what was happening; all I could hear was Phi Fah's voice.

 

"Are you OK?"

 

"Okay, I'll be there soon."

 

"You're somewhere normal, right? Wait a minute. I'll be there in ten minutes." Phi Fah's voice, usually calm and even, sounded slightly anxious. His voice was filled with a panic I've rarely heard.

 

"Phoon, I have to go out for a bit."

 

"Oh, okay."

 

"Don't keep cooking any longer. Wait until I come back."

 

"All right."

 

Phi Fah grabbed his jacket, put on his shoes and ran out, confusing me in the kitchen.

Since he'd told me to stop cooking, I turned off the stove and carefully set the knife down. Who had called earlier? Why was he in such a hurry? It must have been something essential.

 

I sat down on the couch where I slept last night, folded the blanket, and suddenly I saw the hyacinth flower we'd bought together in the closet next to the bookcase. I don't know if Phi Fah takes care of it, but he promised to do his best.

 

Almost twenty minutes had passed since he'd left, but there was no sign of his return. I glanced at the unfinished ingredients. He said we'd cook together. Fine. He just has other, more important things to do. Then his phone rang again, and I realised it was Phi Fah's because my phone didn't ring like that. I followed the voice to the table and saw Hill's name on the screen.

 

Hill? If I'm not mistaken, that's the name of one of the friends Phi Fah wanted to introduce me to. I hesitated to answer because it wasn't my phone. If I answer, would it be interfering in someone else's business? But maybe it's an important matter, so I understand Phi Fah is out.

 

"Yes. Hello,"

"I said goodbye sweetly.

 

[Where is Tonfah?]

 

The deep, cold voice made my hair stand on end. The person on the other end seemed unhappy that it wasn't Phi Fah who answered.

 

"Phi Fah is out; he forgot to bring his phone."

[So, who are you?]

 

"Phi Fah's brother."

[Ah. Where did he forget his phone?]

 

"Here, in the room."

[Room? Where did he go?]

 

"It seems like someone called, then left right away."

 

[Okay, if he comes back, tell him to call me.]

"All right."

 

The person hung up the phone. He seemed very cold. Why would Phi Fah want to introduce me to someone like that? After that, Phi Fah's phone went dead, and I hung up. After a while, it was my turn to ring. There was an incoming call from Uncle Kong.

 

"Hello, uncle."

[Phoon, do you have time today?]

 

"Yes, there is. What's wrong, uncle?"

[Today I'm in Chiang Mai. Lunch with my uncle, okay.]

 

"Oh, sure. What time?"

[Can you do it in half an hour? Where are you now? Have your uncle pick you up.]

 

"Oh. I'm behind the campus. If your uncle has arrived, call me."

[Okay, see you later.]

 

I hung up the phone with a small smile. Uncle Kong is my father's secretary. As I told you, I talk to him more often than to my father. Uncle Kong has usually seen us since we were little. He knows everything about my family, including that I'm not his biological son, but he's still kind to me.

 

I wanted to wait for Phi Fah to get back, but in the end I decided to go first because I'd promised my uncle. Phi Fah said he'd be back soon, but it's been a long time and he still hasn't. It doesn't matter if I go first. I can't even tell Phi Fah, because he forgot to bring his phone.

 

I left Phi Fah's room, went back to the dorm to change, and then went to lunch with Uncle Kong.

 

"How's it going here? Are you home?" my uncle asked me as soon as I got in the car.

 

"You've been in bed, Uncle. Uncle, are you okay?"

 

"Sano. You sound like we haven't seen each other in a long time. We just met before you left Phuket."

 

"Yes, uncle. Uncle is here on business, huh?"

 

"Yeah, there's a bit of activity. So everyone just comes by to meet you."

 

"Oh, I see."

 

We stopped in front of a restaurant. While we waited for the food to arrive, Uncle Kong invited me to chat about various things. I'm glad Uncle Kong is still here, he always takes care of me. Even though we're not brothers, at least he always speaks nicely to me, never yells at me, or says mean things to me. That alone is enough for me.

 

"It's still a long way until vacation, huh? When are you going back to college?" my uncle asked as he ate.

 

"There are still two months to go."

 

"Oh, good. Do you often go for walks? Have you memorised the streets around here?"

 

"Not too much, uncle. I rarely go anywhere."

 

"By the way, your uncle hasn't rewarded you yet for your success in getting into this university. Do you still want that camera?"

 

"No need, Uncle. Dad bought it."

 

"Ah, Rith is always the same." Uncle sighed. Rith is my father's name. Uncle and father are very close because they are old friends.

 

"Uncle Phoon is reluctant to tell you."

 

"What, uncle?"

 

"Your dad told your uncle he wanted you to transfer to another college." I was silent for a moment, unable to believe what I'd just heard.

 

"What do you mean, uncle?"

 

"Your father was furious when he found out you'd met Tonfah. At first, he didn't pay attention when you told him you wanted to study here. But as soon as you learned Tonfah was here too, your father realised you were up to something wrong."

 

"Doing something wrong. What does that mean? I don't do it."

 

"Uncle knows, Phoon. But deep down, he sensed that you wanted to tell Tonfah what had happened to your family."

 

"I don't think so," I replied softly, looking down and biting my lip, feeling very uncomfortable. Why does my father think that way? "Why do you think that, Uncle?"

 

"Hmm."

 

"So you gave me a dirty look, huh?" I said slowly, feeling heavier. "Why does it have to be that way?"

 

"Do you know why your father doesn't want Uncle Wit and Aunt Phra to know about the incident with Fan?"

 

"Yes, I know." I squeezed his hand tightly. "Uncle, can you tell me more details? Why do I have to keep this a secret?"

 

My question made my uncle seem even more reluctant to continue. He took a deep breath before finally starting the story.

 

"If you want to be clearer, say this. Your father respects Uncle Wit and Aunt Phra. You know they take great care of their image. Your father even hoped his daughter would marry a son of the Wit family."

 

Dad wanted Fan to marry Phi Fah!.

 

"All this time, your father tried very hard to maintain his image in the eyes of the Wit family. Until he found the right partner and fathered a kind daughter. The name Fan comes from the name Tonfah."

 

"How is this possible?"

 

"Because the abbreviations T and F... can mean TonFah and Thorfan."

 

"Oh. Exactly."

 

"That's why your father lied to the Wit family about your whereabouts. When Tonfah was born, Uncle Wit and Aunt Phra were still in Germany. Tonfah was already two or three years old when they returned, so your father was able to pretend he only had two children."

 

I nodded in understanding because when I was adopted, Uncle Wit and Aunt Phra were actually abroad.

 

"If Uncle Wit and Aunt Phra had known about the accident that happened to Fan, they would have wondered: why did Rith and Pim divorce, and why did Pim simply leave Phoon? If they had known the truth."

 

My uncle seemed very uncomfortable telling this, and although my heart broke to hear it, the truth remained.

 

"If Uncle Wit and Aunt Phra knew that your father had a child with another woman, that is, me, they would be disappointed, right?"

 

"More or less like this."

"But why? If he had left me, it wouldn't have seemed bad in their eyes. Why him?" I asked, holding back tears. My uncle looked at me with compassion and handed me a handkerchief.

 

"Phoon."

 

"Because Dad never loved me, right? He doesn't even want to see me." My lips trembled, holding back the pain rising in my heart.

 

I understand. Now I understand. Dad doesn't want to be responsible for me. If I lived here and Uncle Wit or Aunt Phra saw me, he'd have to pretend to love me; he doesn't want to do that.

 

My uncle calmed me down long enough for me to calm down again. This problem, no matter how much I think about it, is still painful. I just think I've never received love.

 

"Uncle knows. You want to be with Tonfah, right?"

 

"YES."

 

"Uncle will try to talk to Rith again, so you don't have to change universities."

 

"But if this is the best solution, I will keep my distance from Tonfah."

 

"Okay, then."

 

"Give me a month."

 

"Just one more month. Let me stay with Phi Fah for just one month. I won't say anything about Fan. I won't let anyone know. After just one month, I won't bother Phi Fah anymore."

 

"Phoon."

 

"That's all I ask."

 

"Okay, Uncle will talk to Rith."

 

"Thank you, uncle."

 

Yes. That's all I asked for. He doesn't have to be with me all the time, as long as I can see him. It's enough for me to still see my heaven.

 

"Phoon, if there's anything, contact your uncle, okay."

 

"Yes, thank you, Uncle." I thanked him again before getting out of his car, saying goodbye, and returning to my room. I'm tired, not physically exhausted, but my heart is tired. Why does my love have to be so complicated? Maybe it should be this way: the person who deserves to be on Phi Fah's side shouldn't have been me in the first place.

 

I looked at the photo on the wall in front of me. Fan. Why could this be? If it's Fan, everything will be better, right? If Fan were still here, none of this would have happened; it wouldn't have happened at all. Everything will be fine because Fan is perfect in everything.

 

I often ask myself: why wasn't I the one who got hit? I want Fan to be here to replace me. Become the hope and dream of a father and a mother, and the happiness of all. To be someone always at Phi Fah's side, to do things I can't do. To become someone I will never be able to match.

 

Tired, Fan. I'm tired, and it hurts. It hurts so much. I'm trying to keep surviving. I don't want to be alone, as if I had someone by my side. I don't want to keep hugging myself while I cry. I expected love and attention from my father or mother. But now, if they don't love me, at least they shouldn't hurt me. Do I deserve happiness?

 

After crying alone for almost ten minutes, the phone rang, jolting me out of that thought. It was hard to cheer myself up in those conditions, and I never could. I'm just sinking deeper into that sea of ​​pain. Phi Fah called.

 

“Hi,” I replied, holding back the vibration in my voice.

 

[Phoon, where are you? Why have I called you so often, but you haven't answered?]

 

"Sorry, I didn't hear."

 

[So where are you now?]

 

"In the room."

[Are you okay? Why did you come home so suddenly?]

 

"Oh. I was invited to lunch by an uncle, so I went out for a bit. Sorry, yes."

 

[Okay, the important thing is that you're okay.]

 

Phi Fah's tone sounded a little worried. I couldn't help but feel a warm feeling in my heart; at least he still cares about me.

 

"Hi Fah."

 

[Yes, what's wrong?]

 

"I want to go for another walk tomorrow. Can you come with me?"

 

[Oh. Sure.]

 

Just one month.

There is only one month left until the end of our life with Phi Fah.

Please let this month be filled with memories between us.

And may it be the most beautiful memory for me.