South; Beside the Sky. 

Chapter 5. Rainy day.

 

I spent the whole day tidying up my room. After doing the most unforgivable thing, I decided to forget about it for a while and retreat to a corner to calm down. The chaos allowed me to forget about everything. I wanted space on the terrace to grow some plants, so I got rid of some things. I had more stuff than the average person living in a dorm, because all my things were shipped here.

 

The house will be gone. I heard my father say there will be many things to deal with. When he's ready, he'll sell it immediately. There's no longer any need for the place we once called home. It may not be a warm home, but it's full of memories and love. It's true love, the greatest love you can experience in life. The house will likely be demolished or renovated in the coming months. The place that proved my happiness will be gone, just like my secret base with Phi Fah.

 

Before my father announced the sale of the land, I thought about going back to relive those memories one more time, to say goodbye to him one last time, before I could never return.

 

I sat on the bed, clutching the clay pot. I hadn't responded to Phi Fah's LINE message since this morning, and I hadn't told her where I was going. I didn't think what I'd done was right. It was wrong and very selfish. But at least, for now, can I be a little selfish? I just want to prolong the little happiness I have left. Lying is wrong, but that doesn't mean telling the truth is right. If in the end, the result is that I have to lose him, too. Just for now, just for a little while. I don't want him to go away. Can I?

 

Phi Fah might not know. I know he might not understand. I stopped expecting others to understand a long time ago, but I know everyone might hate me or be angry with me. Because I even hate myself. And if I were anyone else, they'd look at me with the same disappointment. I'll tell the truth. I promise.

 

I know the lies won't last forever. How long can something like this remain hidden from Phi Fah? I'd like to ask for more time to be ready to be destroyed. It's still good to be afraid and try to hold it all together. If it gets to the point where I'm ready to let it all fall apart, I have nothing left to lose. That's even scarier.

 

I decided to open LINE on Fan's phone. There was an unread message from Phi Fah.

 

Tonfah: Are you okay?

Tonfah: Can I ask you something?

Seeing that chat message made me feel uncomfortable.

 

Thorfan: Yes. What's wrong?

Tonfah: I just wonder why Phoon studies here alone.

Thorfan: Oh, that shouldn't be a problem, right?

Tonfah: This is a problem.

Tonfah: Phoon isn't well. Did something happen?

Thorfan: Nothing. Why do you think that?

Tonfah: No, maybe I'm overthinking it.

Thorfan: Exaggerated for what?

Tonfah: I'm just worried. Phoon is my little brother, after all.

Tonfah: I heard you studied veterinary medicine, right?

Thorfan: Yes, yes.

Tonfah: Did Phoon choose himself?

Thorfan: Yes. Why?

Tonfah: No, nothing.

 

And I didn't know what else to say. I thought being a Fan would make me braver in asking Phi Fah than when I was myself, but at the same time, guilt filled my chest.

 

Thorfan: You think Phoon isn't suited to study veterinary medicine? Hahaha.

Tonfah: Not really, but he might not be happy about it.

Tonfah: Because he doesn't like it. Phoon deserves to be happier than this.

Thorfan: Do you really think so?

Tonfah: Yes, everyone deserves to be happy.

Inrotan: Hahaha, yes, but Phoon has already chosen it.

Thorfan: Let him choose for himself.

Tonfah: Oke.

Thorfan: Fah.

Tonfah: What's wrong?

Torfan: Ho una domanda.

Thorfan: Can I?

Tonfah: What is it?

Thorfan: Please look up at the sky for me.

Tonfah: Look at the sky? What does that mean?

Throtan: Just tell me what the sky looks like today.

Tonfah: Do you want me to tell you about the sky today?

Thorfan: Yes.

Tonfah: Why?

Thorfan: Phoon wants to know what the sky is like that Phi Fah sees every day.

Thorfan: Fah.

Tonfah: Okay, I can do that.

Tonfah: But why didn't Phoon tell me himself?

Thorfan: Maybe he wasn't brave enough.

Tonfah: I guess he doesn't want to talk to me.

Thorfan: No, he wants to talk.

Thorfan: He was eager to talk.

Tonfah: Really?

Tonfah: Then that's fine.

Thorfan: Can you talk to Phoon again?

Tonfah: Okay.

Tonfah: If I have time, I'd like to take Phoon for a walk too.

Tonfah: Phoon is coming with us, right?

Throtan: Sure. Get him out as much as you can, okay?

Tonfah: Do you trust me to take him for a walk?

Tonfah: You always forbade me.

Torfan: No problem.

Thorfan: If he were with Fah, Phoon would go anywhere.

Thorfan: He'll go to Mars, even if you ask him.

Tonfah: Mars might be too far away, hahaha.

Tonfah: Okay, then I'll go first.

Tonfah: We'll talk about this later.

Thorfan: Okay, we'll talk about this later.

 

I smiled slightly at the message that appeared on my phone screen. That's all. I just need this. When I consider myself a Fan, it feels better than being myself. If I were myself, I wouldn't have the courage to ask Phi Fah to take me out or say I want to talk more. I'm sorry, Fan. Maybe it's not good for you, but please let me be like this for a little longer.

 

A few moments later, my phone vibrated with a notification. As soon as I saw the sender's name, my smile widened. It turned out to be a message from Phi Fah.

 

Tonfah: "Send a photo"

Tonfah: Today the sky is clear.

Tonfah: What's the sky like there?

Typhoon: "Send a photo"

Typhoon: Today, the sky here is clearer than usual.

 

I immediately saved Phi Fah's photo and uploaded it to my personal Instagram profile. I usually take photos of the sky every day and upload them to Instagram, as if I were capturing my daily sky. However, today was a little different because the photo I uploaded was of the sky from Phi Fah's perspective.

 

With the caption under the photo: "Under the same sky :)"

Even though our perspectives are different, we are still under the same sky.

 

I looked out the window. It was already evening. I wanted to chat with Phi Fah again, but I didn't know where to begin. Seeing the hyacinths on the table reminded me of something.

 

Typhoon: And the hyacinth flowers?

Tonfah: Good.

Tonfah: It smells good.

Tifone: Oh, okay.

Typhoon: What are you doing now?

Tonfah: I have business to attend to. I'm leaving now.

Typhoon: Okay.

 

I simply answered, and Phi Fah disappeared from the conversation shortly after. I hung up the phone and tried to do something else. I should study to become a doctor; I need to focus harder and work harder.

 

I went downstairs to get some food, not far from my house. I only stopped at the convenience store under the dormitory. When I came out, I saw the scale. It had been a while since I weighed myself. I should have tried. I lost weight again. It wasn't good because I ate less, and my appetite diminished. My weight was well below normal. I fainted once, and the doctor advised me to eat more nutritious foods, I would become malnourished, which is probably what happened now.

 

I looked in the bag I was holding. There were only steamed buns and milk. I'd only had Phi Fah for breakfast all day, and now that was all I was going to eat? What could I do? I wasn't hungry. Eating little, sleeping little: that was how I was ruining my health.

 

I went back to my room, ate steamed buns, drank milk, and studied for a few hours. After getting tired, I started writing a letter to Fan, as usual, telling her everything that had happened. My routine was just like that. I often think: what if Fan were still alive? What would happen now? What if she knew I wasn't her biological brother? Would she still love me as much as before? I don't know the answer. Fan loves me because she thinks I'm her little brother, right? If she knew the truth, that I'm just a child born of an illicit relationship, I can't imagine what she'd do. But I still want to believe that Fan will stay by my side, no matter what. As she once said, in the end, no matter what path I choose, Phi Fan will always be by my side.

 

As bedtime approached, I reached for my phone again. Would Phi Fah tell me when he was done? Probably not. It was almost eleven o'clock, and there was no sign of him. I decided to send another text. At least I wanted to say goodnight tonight.

 

Typhoon: How's your business going?

Typhoon: I wanted to ask about the travel plans you mentioned earlier.

 

Phi Fah had said in his chat with Fan that he was going to take me out. At least I should have known where and when. After ten minutes, my message was read.

 

Tonfah: Oh, is there a special place you want to visit?

Typhoon: none.

Tonfah: So, what kind of places do you like?

Tonfah: So I can find out sooner.

Typhoon: How about we watch a movie?

 

I hesitated for a long time before writing this. I wanted to go somewhere natural, but watching a movie together would be more appropriate for now. I haven't been to the cinema in a long time.

 

Tonfah: Oke.

Tonfah: How about tomorrow?

Tonfah: I'll pick you up tomorrow.

Tonfah: Goodnight.

Typhoon: Goodnight.

 

Either I heard it, or Phi Fah seemed to be in a hurry. He said goodnight quickly, even though we were still talking about the movie. We should have decided which movie he wanted to see. But that was fine. Maybe he was swamped. Or maybe he didn't want to talk to me too much.

 

I went to turn off the lights in the room, leaving the lamp by the bed. Would I sleep as well tonight as last night? Maybe not. It wasn't like last night. If only I could have held his hand... no, maybe that would have been too much. Hearing his voice say goodnight... maybe that would have been enough.

 

I tossed and turned in bed for almost an hour, and still couldn't sleep. If I'd told Phi Fah, he might have been annoyed because he'd already seemed busy.

All right. All right. I already got a photo of the sky from him today. Still want to bother you, Phoon? Go to sleep. I hope you sleep well tonight. I hope tomorrow is as bright as today.

 

"You look exhausted." Those were Phi Fah's first words when I got in the car. I just smiled weakly.

 

"YES?"

 

"Can't you sleep anymore?"

 

"YES."

 

"So, how was it when you slept in my room? You slept well, right?"

 

"Yes, I slept well."

 

"If you can't sleep, you can sleep in my room again."

 

I turned to the driver, confused. Was he serious, or was it just a joke? Just because I couldn't sleep, could I sleep with him like this? Isn't that too kind? But Phi Fah didn't turn to look at me; he kept his gaze fixed on the road ahead.

 

"If you keep missing sleep like this, you'll be exhausted."

 

"All right."

 

"For how long?"

 

"A long time ago."

 

"Have you tried going to the doctor?"

 

"Already."

 

"But isn't the situation improving?"

 

"Um." I paused, not knowing what to say. As I'd said, I went to the doctor. I managed to sleep after taking the medicine, but I had frequent nightmares, so I stopped taking it.

 

"It's getting better."

 

"But can't you sleep yet?"

"Yes. Exactly."

 

"Have you ever consulted a doctor about your fear of the dark and confined spaces? I think it has some effect. If you turn on the lights, you'll have trouble sleeping. I told you that before, didn't I?" Phi Fah spoke, still focused on the road, in a soft voice, as if he were giving a lesson.

 

"About that, never," I replied honestly. I've never asked for advice about my fear of the dark, only about insomnia.

 

"Do you want to try? I can take you."

 

"Um. No... I don't want to go right now." I replied softly. It would be better to leave, but I don't think so now.

 

"Oh, yes," Phi Fah replied. "Have you eaten?"

 

"Yeah." I turned my head to the side, anxious as he spoke in disbelief. Phi Fah turned his head toward me, too.

 

"Why?"

 

"Don't lie."

 

"You haven't eaten yet, have you?"

 

“Um… actually… not yet,” I replied.

 

"When we eat together, you eat a little too. Aren't you feeling well?"

 

"No, I'm fine."

 

"Do you usually eat this little?"

 

"More or less," I replied, looking out the window to hide my anxiety. Phi Fah seemed to grasp my feelings too quickly. I felt an indescribable fear. Shortly afterwards, the car stopped in front of the restaurant.

 

I nervously followed Phi Fah into the restaurant. I wasn't used to a place like this. Besides, it was the first time Phi Fah had taken me to a fancy restaurant like this. We'd only been to reasonably good restaurants before, but nothing as elegant as this one.

 

“I think we should negotiate,” he said.

 

"Huh?" I looked confused as I looked at the person sitting in the chair opposite. Phi Fah raised his hand, rested his chin, and smiled.

 

"Negotiate about what?"

 

"You have to eat all the food I order; in exchange, Phi will take you on a trip. Okay, right?"

 

"Eat?"

 

"Candies."

 

"Why do we have to eat?"

 

"To improve the eating habits of children who don't like to eat."

 

"And."

 

"I'm not taking you on a trip for free; you have to pay for it."

 

"I remained silent because I didn't know what to say. Even though we had agreed, it seemed like Phi Fah had achieved nothing. But I had to accept because there was no reason to refuse. "Okay."

 

"Okay," Phi Fah said with a smile. "Then just start eating until it's finished, okay?"

 

I glanced at the dishes laid out before me. Being a high-end restaurant, it was expensive for every course on the menu. Phi Fah ordered everything himself. The price wasn't high for ordinary people, but they ordered everything. The price wasn't high for ordinary people, but it was excessive for me.

 

"I do not believe."

 

"Eat until you're done."

 

Eventually, I was forced to finish the food as she had ordered. Phi Fah was very serious. After eating half a plate, I began to feel complete. It was the first time in years I'd finished eating.

 

"Aren't you picky about vegetables anymore?" asked Phi Fah.

 

“Um… no,” I replied.

 

"Well."

 

I nodded. Phi Fah remembered that I didn't like vegetables. I still didn't like them, but I could just eat them. After finishing the meal, my stomach felt a little full. It had been a long time since I'd felt this full.

 

“What time are we watching the movie?” asked Phi Fah.

 

"Actually, I haven't decided what movie to watch yet," I replied. I had seen it, but I wasn't sure what time Phi Fah would pick me up or what movie he wanted to see, so it would be better to ask Phi Fah. "I don't know what to watch."

 

"You invited Phi to the movies, but you don't know what movie to watch?"

 

I remained silent and felt as if I were being accused of inviting you to a movie, not planning it. "What movie does Phi Fah want to see? Is there anything in particular you want to see?"

 

"No, it's up to you."

 

"Okay, let's watch the movie in front of the theatre, okay?"

 

"Well."

 

We finally arrived at a large shopping mall, where I'd never been before. If I'd come alone, I wouldn't have survived a large mall. I followed Phi Fah until I stopped at a bingsu shop. Phi Fah asked me if I wanted to try it. I said no, but Phi Fah let me in anyway. I ordered the dish I most wanted from the menu. Shortly after, the waiter came to take our order.

 

"Eat until you're done, okay?" He also asked me to eat dessert.

 

"Phi Fah doesn't want to eat?" Phi Fah frowned slightly.

"Okay, just eat."

 

"Don't you like dessert?"

 

"So, but I'll wait for you."

 

"Let's eat together, okay? I'm definitely not going to be able to finish this," I said, slightly panicked as I looked at Phi Fah sitting across from me. Phi Fah took a bite, and we began enjoying the dessert together. It's fun. I'm not much of a dessert person, but this isn't so bad.

 

After agreeing on the movie, we went inside to watch it. I was so excited to see a film with Phi Fah. During the screening, I didn't even notice. When I felt cold, I raised my hand to slowly massage my arm.

 

"Are you cold?" Phi Fah asked softly. I nodded, then Phi Fah took off his long sweater and handed it to me.

 

"Thank you," I said, accepting the gift. He still likes to take off his sweater for me, as usual.

 

"Still gets cold easily, huh?" Phi Fah said softly, looking at me, who was now wearing his clothes. "You'd better bring your sweater."

 

But if I had brought my sweater… Maybe it would have been better, because if I had, he wouldn't have always wanted to take it off for me.

 

After the movie, I took off my sweater as I was leaving the theatre. Phi Fah picked it up and put it back on.

 

"Are you hungry?" asked Phi Fah.

 

"Not yet," I replied, shaking my head. The food I'd eaten that afternoon still felt complete in my stomach.

 

"Are we going straight home, or where else do we want to go?"

 

"Um..." I paused for a moment to think. I didn't want to go home right away; I wanted to spend more time together. "Can we go for a walk?"

 

"Yes," Phi Fah replied. "Where are you going?"

"Take pictures."

 

"Huh?"

 

"Anywhere, but I want a photo," I said. I haven't taken any photos of the sky today. If I get home, I might just take one photo from the same angle. I want to take more.

 

"And the temple? There's a place with a beautiful view."

 

"Good," I said. Then I sat in Phi Fah's car, daydreaming, staring out the window. We didn't talk much, but I felt the tension ease. Maybe I was starting to get used to being with Phi Fah.

 

The place we were going to was quite far away, so it took us a long time to get there, and there was an afternoon traffic jam. When I arrived, I was struck by a place I'd never been before. I immediately grabbed my camera to take photos from different angles. I bought some flowers to offer at the temple. I only prayed for a few things. Wherever I am, I always pray for the same thing: that I may be happy, and that the people I love may be happy too. I glanced at Phi Fah, who was praying as well. What was he asking for?

 

We reached the viewpoint Phi Fah mentioned, a large area with a reclining Buddha statue nearby. It was quite cold by now, and only a few people were around. Above all, a chilly wind was blowing, making me feel chilly. I raised my camera to take a picture of the sky, which was visible at the moment.

 

It was beautiful. From this angle, I could see the city below, its bright lights illuminating it. The sun was almost setting, too. But we'd have to wait a little longer for the sky to change colour.

 

“Why do you like to look at the sky?” asked Phi Fah, leaning against the wall next to me.

 

“Yes… nothing special,” I replied.

 

"Phoon, you said you wanted Phi to look at the sky. Why?" Phi Fah asked again, and I wasn't ready to answer.

 

"Uh... I just wanted you to try it."

 

"Phoon," Phi Fah looked a little confused, then raised his face to look at the sky in the same direction as me. The image of the person next to me was more captivating than the sky itself. The wind gently blew his black hair. No. How could it be more interesting? Because you've been the only sky for me, right from the start.

 

"Can I take a picture?"

 

"Are you referring to Phi's photo?"

 

"YES."

 

“Yes, you can,” she replied.

 

I took a small step back. Phi Fah was standing against the wall, facing the Chiang Mai cityscape, his back to the camera and a slight smile on his face. Despite the strong wind blowing from the opposite direction, the angle made Phi Fah look very handsome. Once I found the right angle, I didn't have to wait long to press the shutter button.

 

What I saw through the lens... took my breath away. After I finished taking the picture, I put the camera down. I had captured the most beautiful image of the sky.

 

“Thank you,” I said as I returned to stand next to Phi Fah.

 

"Thanks for taking me out."

 

“Thank you for finishing your meal,” Phi Fah replied.

 

"Huh?" I quickly turned to look at him, seeing Phi Fah grinning widely. I couldn't help but smile. "Really?"

 

"That's strange. Thanks for finishing your meal?" I said.

 

"It's not strange. Eating a lot is good for you. If you don't, your health might suffer," Phi Fah said. "You were a fat kid. Now, how come you're so skinny?"

 

"What fat boy?"

 

"A fat kid who likes to steal food."

 

"Don't make fun of me!" I said, with a slightly sour face. It used to be like that. It never occurred to me that, as an adult, I wouldn't like foods like that. "It's different now, isn't it?"

 

"Hmm... yes, that's true." Then there was only silence between us.

 

"Phi Fah," I called.

 

"YES?"

 

"How about we play a game?"

 

"What game is this?"

 

"Take turns asking a question."

 

“If that’s a question you don’t want to answer, how?” Phi Fah asked again, leaving me a little stunned.

 

“Okay, no problem. Answer whatever you want,” I said.

 

"Okay. Who goes first?"

 

"I want to ask..." This decision gave me the courage to speak up. I had a lot of questions about Phi Fah that I wanted to ask while we were apart. I also wanted to play this game because I wanted Phi Fah to ask about me. I wanted someone to be interested in hearing my story, not just writing a letter that never got sent. "Phi Fah, what were you like in high school?"

 

"That's a more common question than I thought," Phi Fah replied softly. "Phi goes to a school nearby. Nothing special, just a normal student."

 

"Really? Just an ordinary student?"

 

"Yes, that's normal. Now it's Phi's turn to ask. What were you like in high school?"

 

"Yeah, I was a little mean," I replied. "What about your high school friends?"

 

"My friends are just normal. Sometimes we learn from each other. What about your friends from high school?"

 

"I learned a lot from them. As I said, I was friends with bad people. When I distanced myself from them, they started bothering me. That was a lesson too," I said.

 

“And your friends now?” My question surprised Phi Fah a little.

"It's so weird. I'm hanging out with people I never expected to meet. It's giving me a headache," Phi Fah replied. I raised an eyebrow slightly, surprised.

 

"You don't have any friends here, do you?"

 

"Yes," I nodded. "But I hope to meet some good friends." It was just my hope, because I was being bullied. I want to meet good friends who will treat me well. As long as they don't leave me, that's enough.

 

“You will meet some good friends,” the person sitting next to me said warmly.

 

"And studying?"

 

"Why study?"

 

"Every semester from middle school until now?"

 

"Well, relax. And you?"

 

"Yes... It's normal. Sometimes I pass the exam, sometimes I fail it. But once I received an award, I felt proud. It was something I wanted to tell someone, but Phi Fah wasn't there to hear it, so I kept it to myself."

 

"You're so big."

 

"Is medical school hard?"

 

"Yes, it's difficult. Phi is trying to adjust, too."

 

"Phi Fah can do this," I said softly. "Phi Fah can do this. But if Phi Fah has to adapt, what will happen to me?"

 

"And Yellow?"

 

"Oh, he's dead," I replied, looking down. Yellow was the cat we kept together. I was afraid Phi Fah would be angry with me for asking him to keep him. "Sorry."

 

"Okay. He was old."

 

"Some things don't need to be apologised for. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Okay." I paused for a moment to regain my composure, wondering what question to ask Phi Fah.

 

"So, Phi Fah, do you like to look at the sky?"

 

“Hmm… not very often,” Phi Fah replied.

 

"Ah."

 

“Because sometimes the sky isn’t beautiful,” he said.

 

"Why do you think that?" I asked.

 

“Sometimes the sky is dark, and it rains,” Phi Fa replied.

 

"But it only rains for a few days. After the rain, the sky will clear," I said. I like it when it rains. Sometimes it seems like the sky is crying.

 

"You definitely see the sky."

 

"When it rains, there's lightning. You're afraid of the sound of lightning, aren't you?"

 

"Oh yes." Phi Fah's words left me speechless again. Yes, I've been afraid of thunder since I was little. Because loud sounds are loud and dangerous, and I don't like them.

 

"Now it's my turn to ask questions, right?"

 

"YES."

 

“Oh, I don’t know what else to ask. Just ask,” said Phi Fah.

 

"Huh?" I felt a little uncomfortable when he said, "No more questions." He meant he didn't want to know anything more about me. "Can I ask you something a little personal?"

 

"Yes," Phi Fah raised an eyebrow, surprised by my words. "Of course."

 

"Is Phi Fah dating anyone at the moment?"

“Oh, that’s not a very personal question,” Phi Fah replied.

 

"YES."

 

“I’m not dating anyone,” Phi Fah replied.

 

"It seems strange to me," I said unconsciously, in a low voice. I used to think that someone surrounded by so many loved ones, like Phi Fah, must have someone. "And someone close by?"

 

"Not exactly."

 

"Do you feel weird?" Phi Fah asked again. I nodded. "It's not that weird. Thinking about love is a bit far away," he explained.

 

"What does it mean?"

 

"I find it boring. You know?"

 

"Phi Fah dated someone in high school, right?"

 

"Yes, at first I thought it was nothing. But after trying to date someone, I realised that love is complicated. Eventually, we had problems and had to break up. Since then, love is no longer something I'm looking for."

 

"Oh, I see." I bit my lip to contain the feelings flooding my chest. It turned out Phi Fah had a girlfriend. Since then, he'd stopped looking for love and didn't care anymore.

 

"Why did you break up?" I asked. "Can I ask you a question?"

 

"Hmm, maybe it's because we don't understand each other."

 

"Do you still love her?"

 

"I don't know. I don't know either."

 

“When I see the sky like this, it comes back to me,” Phi Fah said, looking up at the brick-red sky.

 

"He once said I was like his sky."

"Every time I look at the sky, I always remember."

"But I don't think I can be heaven for anyone."

 

"Oh..." To be heaven to me. Apparently, that's impossible.