South; Beside the Sky.

Chapter 10. Eternal Rain (Part 2/2)

"Phoon."

"Ah, yes."

"What's the problem?"

"Oh, I was just thinking about something."

"Hmm, what's going on?" The person sitting in front of me raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"It's strange that you brought me food."

"My dad just transferred the money on time today. I'm grateful for that, and I want to show my gratitude by giving her a gift for her private lessons," I explained.

Forcing a smile.

"Oh, did he transfer it at the end of the month?"

"Yes," I replied, nodding gently, then lowered my head to continue eating. It was the end of the month.

They say happy moments pass so quickly, and it's true. I reflect on it often. I struggle to grasp how much time I have left, because every day is normal. It makes me happy. There are only a few hours left. The uncertainty of the future weighs on me, unleashing a whirlwind of conflicting emotions.

Despite our frequent arguments, my greatest desire is not to argue with my father. I want our conversations to be filled with understanding and love, not anger and pain, a hope that keeps me going.

It once occurred to me that I didn't need to listen to him anymore because he probably didn't care about me anymore. This feeling was triggered by [specific incident]. But afterwards, my eyes focused on the photo on the table: our family photo. Fan is gone, a stark reminder of my uncertain place in this family.

Now that Mom is gone, it's just Dad and me. I can't bear the thought of losing him. Whatever happens, my love and respect for him remain unwavering. As I thought, maybe our family wasn't perfect at the beginning, with its struggles and conflicts, but this is the only family I have. I thought my brother, Phi Fah, was angry and wouldn't understand, but I did what I no longer wanted to do.

"I think you're still angry with me."

"Um, no, I'm not angry anymore."

"Oh, good, because I won't repeat it."

I withdrew and built a wall. I pretended to be dissatisfied. Among the many things I did to Phi Fah, like stroking my hair, holding my hand, or even doing stupid things, I told Phi Fah that I didn't like chocolate. I asked him to stop paying attention to me. At that moment, Phi Fah could have lost. It was a beautiful impression. If I suddenly disappeared, Phi Fah would be suspicious, and Dad doesn't want Phi Fah to know. I have to make sure he doesn't suspect anything, so I'm making our relationship worse. Lately, we've been feeling uncomfortable being together. Dad told me to do it this way, so if I were to disappear one day, it wouldn't be a surprise. But believe me, I don't want to do that at all.

I am sorry.

I love the way he caresses my head.

I like the way he holds my hand.

I like the chocolate you ordered.

I'm not angry because you're busy and not coming.

When we called, the noise didn't bother me.

I don't hate your body odour.

I like it when he always forces me to eat.

I like it when he says goodnight to me every night.

I like it when he always worries about me.

I love every second spent with him.

"So, where else would you like to go?"

"Ah."

"Wait a minute, let me answer the phone first."

"Oh. Yes." Phi Fah smiled and nodded slowly. I quickly stood up, left the table, and answered the phone.

"Hello, uncle."

[Today is the last day. How are you?

"Bad."

[Yes, I understand. Oh, what did he say? He didn't hear anything. It seems like he's just adding more.]

"Dad is like this."

Lately, I've started avoiding Phi Fah. I have to constantly try to hold back. I often hurt Phi Fah's feelings, which makes me hate myself. I usually call my uncle because I can't tell anyone. He told me, "I tried, and this is the best solution for us."

[And how? Is TonFah suspicious?]

"Maybe not"

[Well, let TonFah understand that Phoon doesn't want to be with him. That's better. He'll understand. There won't be any more problems.]

"All right"

[What is the result?]

"I don't want it all to end like this."

[There's no more time, Phoon. It must be this way.]

"All right."

[This is the best, trust me. Last time, TonFah called Rit too.]

"Oh. Really?"

[He asked if there was a problem with you when you were acting strange.]

"And what did you say?"

[He said that maybe you are dissatisfied because Phoon doesn't like many things.]

"Obviously."

[Ritman said his heart was a little hurt. Because you two are so far apart.]

"Ah."

[Everything OK?]

"Yes."

[Well, then I'll hang up right away.]

"Yes."

Then the person on the other end pressed the hangup button. I sighed deeply. For me, staying away from Phi Fah is my father's wish. He doesn't want his family to know anything. Phi Fah didn't know I was illegitimate. I understand it would look bad if everyone knew. I understand. I have to understand.

I tried to hold back the tears that were about to fall again. My heart was pounding, and my hands were starting to go numb. I stood there for a long time, staring out of the store. Five minutes passed before I managed to control myself and went back inside.

"Hi Fah."

"YES."

"So, can you teach me night chemistry?"

"Ah, but I'm not sure I can teach you so you'll understand." Phi Fah seems to be forcing a smile because I once said I don't understand Phi Fah's teaching. Instead, I know, I understand. After speaking, Phi Fah's expression softened slightly. I felt satisfied to see him. He really intends to teach this. Subconsciously, I bit my lip hard until my nail dug into my palm, and it hurt.

"Yes, that's fine."

"Well, do you want to go home now?" Phi Fah motioned for me to get up. I quickly got up first.

"Can I come home with you?"

"But Phoon said he didn't like Phi's driving style. Fah, right?"

"It's okay. Please."

"Well."

Before paying, I left the restaurant behind Phi Fah and reflected on my actions. I hate myself for hurting Phi Fah like this. I said I'd go see Phi Fah. I came all this way to meet him and be with him, but in the end, I was the one who made things worse. If I hadn't come, Phi Fah wouldn't have had to go through this. Anyone would feel sad doing something like this, even if it's just an acquaintance.

I'm the one who destroys everything. Everything. Whatever it is, it's all wrong. If you make a mistake, no one will be blamed but me. I'm just someone who only hurts others and makes things worse. Anyone who's with me won't be happy. Why does it always have to be this way? Why are you still here, Phoon?

"Phoon."

"YES?"

"Your face is pale. Are you okay?"

“I’m fine,” I replied softly.

But that's not entirely true. It hurts. My head hurts. This migraine keeps coming back.

Lately, I've been suffering from migraines a lot. I went to the clinic to buy some medicine, but it doesn't seem to help much. I blame myself even more when I get angry and hate myself for not being able to do anything. I see a shadow. I look in the mirror and hate that reflection. The harsh words I use to criticise myself come from the hatred I feel for myself. I hate myself for the way I am.

Damn, I promised myself I'd be happy in the rain, but I couldn't help it. Now I just can't do it anymore. I leaned my weak head against the car window. The pain was excruciating. It felt like someone was pressing on it. I couldn't help but close my eyes. I hadn't brought any medicine with me. But I couldn't let Phi Fah know it was a migraine. Until finally, like that, I fell asleep. As if my body couldn't take it anymore.

I forgot about it and woke up. I found myself lying on Phi Fah's bed and slowly got up. I saw Phi Fah sitting at the table with his back to me. When he heard movement, Phi Fah immediately turned to me.

"Are you awake? How are you?"

"I am falling asleep?"

"Yes, you look sick, and you also have a fever."

"Oh, this is bad," I muttered softly. "Am I so stressed that I have a fever? I don't usually get fevers like that. But at least it's a good thing; this headache is easing a little.

"Do you want to get up and eat? Then you can take your medicine."

"YES."

"I'm sorry, Phi. I took the opportunity to take you to my room. Now you need a key, and I don't dare search your things."

"Oh, okay," I said, "thanks." As I thanked you, my voice softened. I don't know why.

I left the room following Phi Fah. Looking at the table, I thought he was reading a book. That's the chemistry chapter he'll teach me. Phi Fah must have been preparing to teach it to me once I'd recovered. But... Oh, damn, my head started hurting again. I went out to eat the porridge Phi Fah had made and then took my medicine. From the beginning, Phi Fah said he'd check on me first. To decide whether to continue the class. In conclusion, maybe Phi Fah doesn't want to bother me. He said he's cancelled tonight's class.

"Okay, I can learn."

"You'd better take a break. Don't let them pressure you."

"No, please teach me."

"Phoon." Phi Fah frowned, looking at me in confusion. Yes. Maybe Phi Fah doesn't know there won't be any more occasions like this.

"Please, I want to learn."

"Oh, okay." He sighed softly. After I finished eating and taking my medicine, Phi Fah placed the book on the table in front of the couch. And then Phi Fah became a chemistry teacher, as usual. I listened attentively, but what I did more than usual was try to remember the tone of his voice and the body odour of the person next to me, remembering him for the moment, as he once was.

"Is the explanation understandable enough?"

"Ah, yes, everything's fine."

"Okay, let's continue."

I nodded. We spent almost two hours on the couch studying the material until Phi Fah finally said that was enough for today. We usually spend time together like this, and Phi Fah told me to rest so I can heal quickly. It's already three o'clock, right?

So fast!!!

Tomorrow is a new day. Everything will change.

"Do you want to go back to bed? I'll help you."

"Okay. Can I sleep here?"

"Sure. Do you want to sleep in bed?"

"No, it's okay. I'll sleep on the couch."

"Okay, then dream of me."

"Good evening."

Good night. Before I even saw Phi Fah enter his room, I was already sitting alone on the couch, and the silence enveloped me. I stretched out wearily on the couch, took out my phone, and took a photo of the room. Keep it a secret. We sat together on the corner of the couch, watching TV, drinking coffee, and chatting. The corner of the hanging chair by the window is always my favourite, and every time I visit Phi Fah's room, it's the corner of the kitchen where we cooked together. The corner of the bookcase, which I believe is his favourite, is filled with academic and general knowledge books, each one showing signs of repeated reading.

The sky seen from the balcony. The view from this place allows you to see the sky. The plant we bought together. The flower I chose for him is still well cared for. I will never return to this room. I will never see you again sitting at the table where Phi Fah usually sits to read. I like to watch him in silence; when he's focused on something, he looks very charming.

I walked over and sat on the hanging chair, looking out the window. Tonight there are no stars, just an empty sky. Night sky... are you lonely? There are nights without even stars. You don't have to be sad; the stars won't disappear. They will always be by your side wherever you go, even if you can't see them. I will be the star that wants to shine beside you. However, I am just a planet without light, waiting for your bright reflection. I am still waiting, and I will always wait... Stay by your side even if you can't see it. There is no beautiful moon or sun to give warmth; there is only a small planet waiting to shine and turn to dust. But it doesn't matter where in the universe it is.

It doesn't matter how much time has passed or what happens next. Turn around and go back... You'll find... I haven't gone anywhere. I slowly wiped away my tears. Looking at the clock, it was almost midnight. I was so distracted that I didn't realise how quickly time was passing. I can't sleep. I can't sleep from now on. Will the nightmare return? But I hope you have a good dream... that's enough. I don't know what prompted me to approach Phi Fah's room. I slowly opened the door, and the room was completely dark. Perhaps Phi Fah had fallen asleep.

I closed the door carefully. Entering a room where only the sound of the air conditioning was audible, the air was incredible, and the person lying on the bed was sound asleep. I approached cautiously, trying not to make any noise. My eyes needed time to adjust to the darkness, and I was afraid of the dark. Even now, my hands were shaking slightly, but the thought of Phi Fah being there scared me. I wasn't too afraid.

I sat on the floor next to the bed, watching the person who was sleeping soundly and breathing evenly. I rarely see Phi Fah sleeping, and this is the first time I've seen him so closely. It was as if the image before me was hypnotising me. I didn't want to be distracted, not even by the slightest glimpse. This is the first time I've seen Phi Fah sleeping. Please cherish these memories.

My body sent me a signal: I couldn't take it any longer. I need to rest, but I don't want to sleep any longer. I want to stay here. It might not be a good situation, but believe me: I've never had the chance to see him again. So, whoever he is, I want to live here for as long as possible.

I rested a hand on the edge of the bed, rested my chin, and looked at him. My hand reached out, grabbing a strand of hair from his face. I explained away the blanket because I feared he wasn't comfortable. The light scent of the bed's owner enveloped me, which made me feel at ease, even though I'd once said I didn't like it.

I am sorry.

Time passes without me realising how long I've been sitting like this. I often sit until morning because I usually can't sleep. My mind wanders to everything that's happened between us since we were little, since we broke up, reunited, and now we have to part again. I don't know what will happen next. How sad is Phi Fah?

But I was almost ruined. I don't know when I'll have the chance to return. A year, two years, ten years, or maybe I'll never have another chance. I don't know.

Are you awake? What time are you going to bed? What will you eat? Are you okay? What was the sky like that day? I may never know again. But believe me, I'll eat on time and I'll eat well. You said, "I must try to be happy in the rain, and I'll be strong because I don't have you anymore." And if one day I'm strong enough, I want to come back and be with you again. Because every moment with you is sweet.

I don't want to leave at all. I don't ever want to leave you. Once again, I realised that the morning light had arrived. I let the tears flow and slowly grabbed the hand of the person in front of me, bringing it to my lips. I kissed his hand softly, all the feelings overflowing in my heart. I love you, I love you.