Plan B to U

Chapter 15 My Home Is You

 

"Man, I'm so nervous I'm about to pee myself. Can we cancel? Let's do it tomorrow instead?"

 

Em was visibly panicking, barely able to stand, the bouquet in his hands trembling helplessly.

 

Our internship was almost over. In just a few more days, the dynamic between the seniors and us at the studio would change. This was Em's last chance to gather every ounce of courage and confess to P'Mee. And I had to drag myself out of my own sadness to be here cheering on my best friend through his confession mission.

 

"You've been stalling all week. What's it going to be? If you don't say something, there won't be another chance." I patted his shoulder firmly, then Nikm came up behind to

 

"True, once the internship ends, what excuse will you have to see her? Right now is the best time."

 

With everyone else clocking out and heading home, the only one left was Mee, still clearing the last of her work at her desk. That was our window.

 

"Give me some encouragement."

 

At my best friend's request, I cupped his face and planted a kiss on his forehead. Nikm, not to be outdone, did the same. We both shoved Em forward toward his solo mission, while Nikm and I scrambled to plaster ourselves against the far wall and spy from a distance still within earshot.

 

"P'Mee."

 

Em walked up to P'Mee and stopped, standing in front of her.

 

"What's up, Em?" She looked up from her laptop with a curious frown. That was when Em drew in a breath and blurted out the important line.

 

"Our internship is almost over, so there's something I want to get off my chest."

 

"Is something wrong?"

 

We've gathered dialogue from classic films for this, aiming to make an impression. Naturally, the script was written by the universe's most drama-obsessed human: Nikm, who'd been scripting everything from the ghost podcast to the internship content, and now this, to help his best friend finally land somewhere.

 

"What I want to say is.. I like you, P'Mee. I've liked you for three months. I've done everything: bought every type of coffee for you, sourced coffee beans, studied green tea, tried cold milk drinks, all for you. But now I know what I should have done most, and should have done a long time ago, is..."

 

My heart was hammering as I waited to see how she would react.

 

"Em likes P'Mee."

 

The moment the low voice said those words, my best friend quickly held out the bouquet of roses. This gave the legendary romance of Nong Nam and P'Shon[!] vibes. Whether this Nong Em and P'Mee would become a legend too remains to be seen.

 

Nikm had said women like funny guys, so we'd gone full comedy mode. We'd even calculated the odds of her nodding yes at 99.99%.

 

"Em, I'm sorry. I don't feel that way about you."

 

Completely forgetting about the remaining 0.01% chance of missing.

 

"Can I ask why?" P'Mee didn't answer right away; instead, she turned and looked directly toward where we were hiding.

 

"I can see you hiding there."

 

Nikm and I surrendered to the evidence and shuffled out from our hiding spot. Then began the epic of P'Mee laying out her honest feelings about the situation.

 

"Straight out, I've never wanted to be in a relationship."

 

"If I'm just not your type, you can tell me straight; I can handle it." 

 

Does he have any idea what he looks like right now? Tears practically flooded down to his feet. All I could do was watch him with a mix of sympathy and heartache. I didn't dare interrupt, just observed the whole thing quietly.

 

"People have different goals in life, right? Some need someone to complete them; some want a partner; some want lots of friends; some want family. As for me... I already have what I need."

 

Her beautiful eyes fixed on Em's face. They held each other's gaze in silence for a moment, then she moved to explain.

 

"I have friends, a warm family. So, I'm not lonely. I don't feel the need to build a romantic relationship with anyone."

 

"I understand."

 

I didn't think he understood. I thought he was still in shock.

 

"But I really am grateful that Em has such kind feelings. Even if we can't be anything more, you'll always be like my little brother."

 

"Ohh~"

 

Was my friend deeply moved? Hal No!

 

Did the word 'brother' sting? Yes!

 

"After this, can I still talk to you like before? Ask for advice? Can we keep what we have?"

 

"Of course. Em is absolutely adorable and great at work."

 

"But still only as..."

 

"Brother"

 

Em heard it and forced a smile, but his face was already streaked with tears. The most disturbing image, like a scene from this year's top thriller. Even said softly, the word 'brother' hurt. P'Mee then launched into a long explanation of human purpose and intention, and we had to sit through an hour-long impromptu life-coaching session.

 

Time flew in that state. The kindhearted senior excused herself, and things returned to normal. Nikm and I walked over to console our friend, but I didn't forget to ask him the same question he'd once asked me.

 

"How much for this one?"

 

"Two out of ten. I'm fine. Doesn't hurt at all." 

 

Same answer as me; better prepare a basin. This one might shed litres of tears.

 

"You okay?"

 

"Yeah, totally. Huge weight off my chest, man. At first, I was terrified it'd be way worse." Em sniffled, his smile instantly brightening. "Now I can finally stop overthinking and questioning how she feels. Thanks a ton, bro"

 

"Come here."

 

From that exact moment, we wrapped each other in a tight hug, as if trying to share the weight of the sadness. It didn't make the pain go away entirely, but at least it let him know we still had each other.

 

Em's rejection from P'Mee this time served as a reminder that made me realise. We had put our hearts through far too much torment on this internship. I'd moved into the new condo, signed the contract, and paid the deposit, but I still hadn't managed to sort everything out. Stuff was piled on the floor, other things sitting on tables. Even the delivery box, now removed from the motorbike, had been repurposed as a storage box sitting in the corner of the room.

 

After selling the house and receiving the full amount, I decided to pause the part-time food delivery work temporarily to prepare for the job-hunting season after graduation.

 

"Booze: ready."

 

"Soda: ready."

 

"Ice: ready."

 

"Drink up!?"

 

Em was dealing with a heartbreak he never even got to begin. Not wanting him to wallow alone, I'd called the gang over to drink and get properly wasted at my place. Tonight whatever. We'd just drink in the bitterness of life until satisfied. Tomorrow could sort itself out.

 

"What should I wear to our farewell party? I want to make the most memorable impression." Em knocked back his drink and turned to ask.

 

"Want to borrow my shirt? The one that says poured my heart out, and you just poured me out.' Pretty fitting for your life right now." I suggested it as a joke; they'd made it as a birthday present for me, so I let them borrow it whenever.

 

"Fxxx you."

I agree because I also want to wear the Offline Youth shirt I tracked down secondhand. Cost an arm and a leg." That one is obsessed with band merch. Every colour, every version, every collection.

 

"So what should I wear?" I asked. Nikm snapped his fingers as he'd just remembered something.

 

"The Tsuki shirt, obviously."

 

Oh, the one printed with 'Give love to get love' Every time I thought about that shirt, memories burst through like a dam breaking chaos and romance all mixed together.

 

"I don't want to. It hurts."

 

"Everything hurts when you're sitting around moping like this."

 

I was about to cry. Nikm turned on sad songs to match the mood. Once the alcohol started kicking in, questionable behaviour kicked in too. We all belted out songs at full volume, swaying and dancing until we forgot everything. Until the neighbour knocked on the door to yell at us.

 

In the end, the Celebration of Sadness concluded with all three of us nearly passed out on the floor, arms and legs splayed, faces turned up at the ceiling, murmuring with hollow hearts

 

"Internship's almost over. What are we actually going to do with our lives after this?"

 

"Should the three of us apply for jobs together?"

 

"No. Sick of you."

 

"Nikm, this is your friend, man," Em grumbled, then started sharing his life goals. "I want to try working in commercial production. I want to try out a lot of different things, because if the day comes when I don't like it anymore, I can just change jobs. Either way, I'll land on a cushion."

 

How does he say things like that so casually? The privilege is truly annoying.

 

"I want to keep working in music. If Rabbit Hole is hiring, I'd probably just stay here." Nikm shared his, then it was my turn.

 

"Me... I don't know yet. But working on music stuff was fun in its own way." I liked who I was at concerts. The memory of watching The Mooooon's show with Krich was

beautiful and lingering enough that if I had the chance in the future, I'd want to be in that world again. And working as a creative had been fun in its own way, too challenging in a good way, getting to think up fresh ideas, consuming creative work, and learning from talented people around me.

 

"Nile, want to try applying to the same place as me?"

 

"Nikm, come on, look at who your friend has a problem with. The owner of the label..."

 

"Oh right, I forgot. Smacking myself. Here!"

 

"It's fine. There are plenty of labels in Thailand. I just want to find one with the same DNA."

 

"But are you really going to let it end like this?"

 

"What can I do? I got rejected."

 

I wasn't the one who wanted it to end this way either. The one who rejected me was Krich. Even if I had bawled my eyes out, dropped to my knees, and begged him to choose me, it wouldn't have mattered. If he'd decided he was done, all I could do was bow my head and accept it.

 

"P'Mee doesn't love me, but P'Krich sure looks like he loves you."

 

"Shut up and stop guessing. Just shut up and drink."

 

"Okay, say no more."

 

As the concept of the songs in the Offline Youth album puts it, we can love, we can hurt, and we should be able to move forward too. 

 

The last day of the internship arrived quickly.

 

So bittersweet. A hollow, airy feeling, even though the sky was bright and clear all day. The only thing overcast was what was inside. In the early evening, Rabbit Hole Studio transformed from an office into a farewell party venue for us as the intern cohort, combined with a celebration for the successful launch of the Offline & (move) on album.

 

"We are going to miss you guys so much" 

 

Seniors from every department took turns hugging us affectionately. Throughout my time here, everyone had taken such good care of us and always lent a helping hand.

 

"We'll miss you too. But don't worry,  I'll be back to apply for a position here."

 

"Nillikm come here~" Extremely bonded sibling energy. But since when did they get this close?

 

After making the rounds to say goodbye to the seniors from each department, the three of us turned to formally thank P'Mee. She was sitting on a bean bag in the lounge corner. The moment we walked over, her beautiful eyes looked up at us warmly.

 

"P'Mee, thank you so much for taking such good care of us."

 

As our group representative, I handed her the gift, a bag containing a black velvet jacket that matched her character perfectly. The moment she saw what was inside, she gasped and started murmuring nonstop.

 

"Incredibly cool. Incredibly dangerous. Thank you, kids."

 

"And this cup is coffee. I stopped at the place out front of the alley."

 

P'Mee set down the paper bag and took the coffee cup from Em's hands, sipping it without a second thought.

 

"Scream!!! She drank it, she actually drank it!!"

 

He dropped to his knees in delight, legs kicking on the floor, absolutely hilarious. But what was even funnier was the bitter irony: after all the effort spent hunting premium coffee shops, he'd been defeated by the cheap coffee from the street corner. I guess that's why people always say, if they are gonna like it, they're just gonna like it'

 

The farewell celebration then got properly underway, with the announcement that Offline Youth's new album had been met with a massive response after just one day of streaming and listening counts had shot to the top of the domestic charts. All of us soaked up the success that had come after working ourselves to the bone, with good food, drinks flowing, and this time Krich had even hired a bartender to mix drinks on site. No need to imagine the state everyone ended up in. Absolutely wasted.

 

The later it got, the more chaotic things became. Seniors grouped off for karaoke, some clusters dancing wildly. The tech crew was completely gone because P'Dral and P'San hadn't just come to perform; they'd also brought in Yaa dong from P'Boo's bar to sponsor the team, which meant the guys had been drinking hard from early evening straight through to now.

 

"Thank you, man. You seriously inspired the hell out of me. See you next album." P'Dral lurched over to hug my neck. P'San, not to be outdone, reached up and ruffled my hair affectionately. Just being a small part of their journey was more than enough happiness for me.

 

Time rolled past ten PM. People were wandering everywhere, causing full-scale chaos like something out of an action film. That's drunk people for you. Some had even escalated into shouting matches that nearly turned into actual fights. I just watched the free show, cheering on the seniors as they clashed, things getting knocked over, glasses shattering. Took nearly ten minutes to calm down.

 

A volunteer cleanup crew started clearing the broken glass, but before they finished, another beer bottle crashed to the floor.

 

"I'm done cleaning this up!!"

 

One of the senior women yelled and stomped out of the studio. Time slid into four in the morning.

 

Most people had gone home. A few who were too wasted to make it back found somewhere to crash. I'd only drunk a little, so I still had my wits about me. Possibly the only one who did...

 

To get fully sharp again, I decided to go wash my face in the bathroom. But as I stood up properly, I couldn't help scanning the room. It was worse than I thought. Not a trace of cleanliness remained anywhere; the place was littered with food scraps, piles of rubbish, and broken things everywhere. I almost felt sorry for the cleaning crew coming in the morning. 

 

But amid all the wreckage, the corner of my eye caught a tall figure standing not far away. And he was watching me.

 

"Are you drunk?"

 

"No. I barely drank." Krich answered, voice slightly low.

 

"Oh."

 

He stepped carefully toward me, navigating around the mess on the floor, and stopped right in front of me. It felt sad; after this, we probably wouldn't be seeing each other anymore. 

 

"Thank you for looking after me during this time. It was truly a wonderful time." The best farewell my brain could come up with. Before he replied quickly in a warm voice.

 

"Thank you for the wonderful time as well."

 

"Is there something you want to say to me?"

 

"Let's go talk outside."

 

I looked around again. By now everyone was asleep, some with their faces flat on tables,  others sprawled across sofas in the distance. Even Nikm and Em, piled on the stage floor, definitely wouldn't have the consciousness to hear any conversation we had.

 

I just didn't want to go outside and do something stupid. I was scared... when you're drunk, your head gets fuzzy, and you end up doing things you shouldn't.

 

"Better to talk here. I think it's better for us, and Grace won't feel uncomfortable either."

 

"What does Grace have to do with this?"

 

"I don't know.."

 

"Grace and I are nothing. She has someone she likes. And I don't have feelings for her."

 

"Okay. That's your business."

 

"Not your business, not my business; it's our business."

 

I had nothing to say back when I saw his eyes more serious than I'd ever seen them. Not knowing what he was trying to say, all I could do was press my lips together and stand waiting because between us, there was nothing left that could hurt more.

 

"Nile... I like you."

 

"Huh?"

 

But that answer made me go completely still.

 

"I like you a lot. Terribly much, but I was a coward. All this time I've just been afraid that if one day we grew deeply attached, and something came along to tear us apart, both of us would hurt far worse than before."

 

Krich's confession didn't make me feel better in the slightest. If anything, it pulled up anger from somewhere deep instead. Getting through each day had been exhausting, fighting with the tangled mess of feelings in my head. I'd been terrified I wouldn't get through it, crying in waves, and now that it seemed to be getting better, the truth was I was still suffering. And who could have guessed that one day his stupid reason would come back to wound me all over again. 

 

"Then keep being a coward."

 

"But now I've got my answer; I want to take the risk."

 

"So what, I have to take the risk too?"

 

Once again, I lost control and let something crude slip out. But who cared? Whatever. I didn't care how he'd take it or how angry he got. I just needed to let out what I'd been holding back this whole time.

 

Silence settled over both of us. Nobody said anything more; we just stood staring at each other amid the wreckage all around. It wasn't only things that had broken here. Something of ourselves and his had shattered too, and I wasn't sure if it could be put back together. And if this was the only chance I'd have to say things, I was going to use every bit of it.

 

"One day you reject someone's love. The next day you change your mind and say, 'Oh, sorry, I just felt like taking a risk. So what am I supposed to do, just drop everything and start fresh? Do you think feelings that got broken can be picked back up that easily?"

 

"Want to say more?"

 

"Yeah, I will. Get your ears ready." I yelled, blood surging. Everything from the past came pouring out. "You piece of work, selling me a house with that kind of history."

 

"We proved it wasn't haunted, though, didn't we?"

 

"But you hid it. When you got caught, you dodged and refused to give the house back even though you knew I was struggling financially."

 

"You said yourself it was your dream home."

 

"Please,  just giving the money back would have settled it. I'm capable of finding another dream home."

 

"Because I didn't want you to go."

 

"You're so selfish."

 

"I admit it. I wanted you close. Because I liked you, probably from the very first time we met. I was scared you'd disappear, so I used the house as an excuse."

 

Both of us arguing, but the arguing felt like excavating everything that had been pent up, from the past to now, hurling it at each other in words.

 

"You don't actually like me. Being nice, giving me hope, that was just loneliness. You turned around, and I was just whoever happened to be there, so you picked me."

 

"And what about you? Didn't you think the same? Because you lost your dad, because you were adrift, you latched onto whoever came close. The truth is, back then, if it hadn't been me but someone else, you'd have liked them just the same."

 

"That has nothing to do with it! If I was going to like someone, I would have already been with them, but I chose you."

 

I wasn't so hopeless that nobody wanted me. Honestly, if I'd wanted love, I could have had it long ago. But I'd never prepared my heart for anyone,  never thought that one day love would come running at me. 

 

After losing my dad, my life was unmoored and lonely, but not to the point of needing someone to fill me up right then, in that instant. But Krich had impressed me, something that pulled at me from the very first time we met. And once I got to know him, I slowly came to understand who he was and fell in love.

 

"Someone who acts so kind and warm, who came and changed my whole world, yeah! Changed it and then wrecked it. And I was so stupid, even after you drew that line, I still kept hoping that one day you'd change your mind."

 

So many times I'd talked myself into it, idly imagining what it would be like if the love story ended happily. I'd sunk into that image for a long time...

 

"Willing to waste time taking the BTS to work with you just because I wanted more time together."

 

In the end, reality knocked me over.

 

"And you think I didn't waste time? My car had no problems, yet I kept showing up at the station every day to wait for you. Sometimes I even thought, ' Why am I doing this? I must be an idiot. But I did it anyway."

 

"So it's the same as before; you still can't get past the fear."

 

"We've both lost so much of ourselves, and all we got back was regret. You think that's fair?"

 

Strangely, I was furious at him right now. And yet, at the same time felt lighter, having gotten everything out until there was nothing left. The two of us were somehow destroying each other and healing each other at the same time.

 

"So, do you want to start again?"

 

"Not afraid of the future anymore?"

 

My breathing quickened, heart pounding, eyes fixed on him, waiting for the answer.

 

"I am. But I'm more afraid of not having you."

 

I was afraid too. Afraid of being given empty hope again.

 

"Nile, before you, no one had ever been a true home for me. But after meeting you, it was like I'd finally found my own. I've never been lonely since you came into my life. I started being able to picture myself genuinely happy. And at the same time, this feeling grew, wanting to do everything, absolutely everything, just for you to be happy."

 

“I may have been slow to realise it, and by the time I did, it was already too late. But I still want to ask for the chance to build our home together."

 

The longest string of words I'd ever heard from Krich. He was still holding my gaze steadily, honest, certain, and without fear. I knew well enough that Krich carried wounds. He'd never trusted that he could be with anyone long-term.  We both feared a future that hadn't arrived yet. But tonight he'd shown something was the feeling of just wanting to begin, enough?

 

"If you're going to say all that, then just be my boyfriend." He blurted it out.

 

Nobody knows what the future holds. How happy or painful our days ahead might be. But right now, at this moment, I was using every bit of courage I had to take a risk on the present.

 

"Fine then! If you mean it, let's do it." And he answered back while bursting out laughing. 

 

For the first time in months, a wide grin and loud laughter, like something invisible had finally been unlocked. Then both of us tumbled into a tight hug. I tightened my arms, pressed my face into the slope of his shoulder, breathed in the scent I knew so well, and let the tears fall. I wanted a home. A home that isn't a place, but someone I love with everything I have.