In Love With An Idiot

Chapter 4: Move On

I had no idea what time I woke up, but my hangover was much better. At least my head wasn’t spinning any more, and I was conscious enough to realise one thing.

 

Fuck!

 

Why hadn’t I gone back to my own room?

 

Why the hell had I stayed in his? And how was I supposed to get out of here? …But P’Erng’s shirt smelt so lovely.

 

You see, P’Erng was extremely confident. He was also quite particular about things. As a businessman, he had a fair amount of interest in fashion, and he liked his clothes ironed and finished off with a beautifully scented fabric spray. Whenever you opened his wardrobe, a soft, wonderful fragrance would spread throughout the entire room. I knew that because I’d ironed every single piece of clothing in there with my own two hands.

 

P’Erng was fucking obsessed with nice smells. Anything fragrant would have him sniffing away, especially whenever I bought a new scented soap. He always noticed immediately. Not that I’d changed soaps to please P’Erng or anything. I just liked trying different fragrances and brands, that’s all.

 

He was the one who happened to like them. On the first day I changed to a new scent, P’Erng would practically lose his mind over me.

 

…Why the hell was I reminiscing about him?

 

I needed to get back to my room!

 

Once I’d gathered my senses, I managed to get myself out of bed. But moving was incredibly difficult. This morning, I’d told P’Erng not to do anyth— Wait. Had he already done everything last night? Judging by how much my legs ached, he certainly had.

 

I wanted to bang my head against the wall. Whatever. Forget it. I couldn’t remember anything, so I’d pretend it had never happened. Fuck… But I wanted to remember it.

 

I missed P’Erng so much. No!

 

I couldn’t miss him. We were finished. Milan was already sitting right there beside P’Erng. At this point, I was practically the other man.

 

Getting to the bathroom was an enormous struggle. I could say with absolute certainty that P’Erng had gone at least three rounds last night. And judging by the lingering wetness I could feel, he hadn’t used a condom either. Bloody hell.

 

I had to spend ages cleaning myself properly. Actually, it seemed as though he’d already helped clean me up a little, but he hadn’t managed to get everything. What was even worse was that my chest was covered in kiss marks. And there were very obvious bite marks on the side of my neck. Anyone who saw them wouldn’t have to wonder whether I’d been bitten by a mosquito, an ant, or whether they were love bites.

 

With marks this obvious, there was hardly any mystery! Why the fuck couldn’t I remember a single thing?

 

In the end, I chose one of P’Erng’s long-sleeved shirts and paired it with my own shorts. The shorts were something I’d won in a lucky dip at university. Everyone had been told to bring a gift costing no more than fifty-nine baht, and one of my friends had brought a pair of women’s drawstring shorts. Naturally, I’d been the lucky person to receive them. They were a ridiculously sweet shade of pink and so short that they almost showed my arse.

 

After P’Erng had got rather excited about seeing me wearing them, he’d shoved them into the wardrobe and strictly forbidden me from ever taking them out again. But right now, they were the only pair I could wear. And what the fuck was wrong with the neckline on P’Erng’s shirt?

 

Why was it so wide?

 

It kept slipping down over my shoulder. I swear, I’d turn the bloody thing into a cleaning rag!

 

Expensive for no fucking reason!

 

P’Erng loved teasing me by saying I was like a Chihuahua beside him. Easy to pick up. Easy to carry around. At first, I’d been furious because I thought he was calling me short. But as I grew older, I began to realise that maybe small, slender people were simply P’Erng’s type.

 

That would explain why his Milan was about the same height as me and had a similarly small build!

 

I slowly hobbled downstairs. P’Erng’s apartment looked exactly the same as before, except there wasn’t a single thing of mine left. I’d taken everything with me when I moved out. The sound of someone talking on the phone in the kitchen, together with a delicious smell, made me drag myself in that direction. I should at least say goodbye before leaving.

 

It was only polite.

 

“Yes… goodbye.”

 

“P’Erng… Ah! P’Eurn?”

 

The man who’d just finished his phone call and turned to look at me wasn’t P’Erng. It was Tycoon Achit Araya, the head of the Araya Group, who also worked as a psychiatrist.

 

“Awake already? Erng’s gone downstairs to buy some fruit juice. I’ve just finished my shift and haven’t eaten yet, so I thought I’d stop by and have something with him. Am I disturbing you, Pei?”

 

The two brothers were apparently having a meal together, even though I hardly ever saw P’Eurn set foot inside P’Erng’s apartment.

 

“N-no, of course not! How could you be disturbing me? It’s not even my room… I’ll help unpack the food.”

 

“There’s no need. Just sit down. If that Erng sees you helping, I’ll get told off.”

 

The tycoon knew about the relationship between P’Erng and me, but he’d never interfered. Right from the beginning, he’d said that P’Erng was an adult and could make his own decisions. As for me, he’d told me never to force myself into anything and to make my own choices.

 

“Has the hospital been busy?”

 

“Mm. We’ve had quite a lot of patients lately. Oh, what’s this? Spicy salmon salad. That’s your favourite, isn’t it, Pei? There’s also clear tofu soup with cabbage, and stir-fried asparagus with prawns, which is Erng’s favourite. Although you like that too. I suppose he wants you to recover quickly. Here, let me have a look at you. Open your mouth, please.”

 

P’Eurn suddenly moved right up close to me. His slender fingers gently held my chin while his other hand produced a small torch. I automatically opened my mouth. P’Eurn’s voice was softer and more pleasant to listen to than P’Erng’s. His mannerisms were gentler too.

 

But I’d known P’Eurn for just as long as I’d known P’Erng, and I could tell you one thing. P’Eurn was terrifying. He never argued with anyone, but somehow, he always had a way of making everybody do exactly what he wanted. P’Eurn was a psychiatrist. And I genuinely thought there couldn’t be a more suitable profession for him in the entire universe.

 

“Hmm… Your throat’s red. Ah, let me check your eyes.”

 

“P’Eurn, do you always carry a torch around with you?”

 

“Force of habit… You should take something for your fever and an anti-inflammatory as well. Actually, since Erng’s already at the supermarket, I’ll ask him to pick them up. Hello, Erng? Get some anti-inflammatory medicine and something for Pei’s fever, please. And some medicated plasters too. Mm…”

 

Why did I suddenly feel as though I’d been deliberately delivered into P’Eurn’s hands for an examination?

 

I tried staring at him suspiciously, hoping to catch him out, but he acted as though nothing unusual was happening. He even started chatting casually about the weather.

 

“Drink plenty of water, Pei. Yaaawn… I don’t think I’ll manage to eat with you and Erng after all. I’m exhausted. I’d better get some sleep. Make yourselves at home. Oh, and put a plaster over your neck. Those marks will probably turn purple.”

 

“Ah… yes.”

 

I was terribly embarrassed, but P’Eurn merely smiled. He didn’t say anything else before leaving the apartment, and he wouldn’t even let me walk him to the door. There was one thing I was certain of. P’Eurn was still just as kind to me as he’d always been. But there was something I wasn’t certain about.

 

Did he know that things between P’Erng and me weren’t the same any more?

 

“Pei’s going back to his room now. Thank you so much, P’Erng. And I’m sorry for causing you trouble.”

 

P’Erng had returned a little while after P’Eurn left. We’d eaten dinner together in silence, and afterwards, I’d taken my medicine. Now it was time for me to go back to my room. I couldn’t stay with him day and night. If I did, I might not want to leave.

 

He didn’t say anything. He simply went upstairs, brought down a large jacket for me to wear, and walked me home. P’Erng accompanied me all the way to my apartment. But instead of leaving, he followed me straight through the door.

 

“Um… P’Erng, I—mmph!”

 

I was suddenly spun around and pressed against the door, my mouth silenced by a kiss. The taste of the orange juice we’d drunk together lingered on his tongue. Why was P’Erng kissing me?

 

And why wasn’t I resisting?

 

All I could do was raise my hands and clutch at his shirt. P’Erng kissed me until my head was spinning. Then his hands slid down to my waist, and he lifted me off the floor. My legs automatically wrapped around his narrow hips. His large hands supported my bottom as he turned and carried me into the bedroom.

 

“Pei… Pei.”

 

He lowered me onto the bed, climbed over me and continued kissing me. His deep voice repeated my name over and over while he pulled away my clothes until I was completely naked. I watched as P’Erng removed his own shirt, revealing his broad chest and defined abdominal muscles.

 

“P’Erng… don’t.”

 

“If you’re going to tell me to stop, you need to say it more firmly.”

 

This was different from the morning. Very different. P’Erng seemed more impatient and determined. As for me, my resolve had weakened. I’d softened towards him so much that I couldn’t bring myself to stop him.

 

P’Erng’s kindness had made my heart weak, and this time, it had led us beyond the boundaries of what was right.

 

“Ah…”

 

A burning heat pushed inside me. P’Erng wasn’t wearing a condom again. I tried to push him away, but his movements only grew harder and faster. He caught my wrists and held them down so I couldn’t struggle away.

 

“Pei… Paopei.”

 

“Nggh… P’Erng… h-harder.”

 

Everything about this was wrong. And yet I allowed it to happen simply because I loved P’Erng. Because I loved him, I gave in. P’Erng’s embraces, P’Erng’s kisses… They’d belonged to me for so many years. If I kept trying to forget him and couldn’t… Would it be possible to fight to get him back?

 

Everything was so confusing.

 

“Thank you, Pei…”

 

P’Erng lay behind me with his arms wrapped around my body. He repeatedly pressed soft kisses against my shoulder. It was just like before. Whenever we cuddled, he’d be this affectionate. I’d turn around and kiss him in return, and if he wasn’t too tired, he’d start a second round.

 

But today and those days were completely different.

 

“P’Erng, Pei wants to rest.”

 

“Let me clean you up first.”

 

“It’s all right. I’ll do it myself. You should go back, P’Erng.”

 

“Pei, I…”

 

“Please go back. Pei… Pei wants to be alone.”

 

P’Erng fell silent. And I started crying. I’d done something wrong. That was the truth. And I felt terrible about myself.

 

Terrible for treating myself as though I had no worth, for allowing myself to become someone whose place in his life wasn’t even clearly defined. I was being so fucking stupid. Why couldn’t I just move on and forget P’Erng?

 

Why did I still want him back?

 

What he’d done didn’t even show that he valued my love in the first place.

 

“Don’t cry. I’ll leave if it’ll make you feel better.”

 

P’Erng left. But I didn’t stop crying. In fact, I cried even harder. I cried for hours, until I started thinking that if I were a singer, I could probably have released twenty singles with all the crying I’d done. Eventually, the tears stopped on their own.

 

Not because I felt better. I’d simply run out of energy. I slept until nine that evening, then got up to boil myself some cabbage. After eating, I went to have a shower. The person staring back at me from the mirror looked like a bloody corpse.

 

I used to be Paopei the Cute Boy, you know!

 

How had I turned into a corpse?

 

Because of P’Erng, obviously. Because I loved him. Because my heart was broken. Although I couldn’t blame P’Erng for everything. Everything had gone according to our original agreement.

 

I was the one who’d accidentally fallen in love. Which meant it was time for me to get a grip. I couldn’t keep sitting around crying. Otherwise, I’d be trapped in the same endless cycle. Cry.

 

Feel miserable. Get happy over some tiny little kindness he showed me. Then get hurt all over again. I was free now. I wasn’t P’Erng’s person any more.

 

And I didn’t want to be the other man. I couldn’t keep reminiscing about our sweet memories together. I’d been the one who agreed that if I stayed with him and took care of him, he’d take care of me in return. It was basically like working in exchange for money. Except now I was doing the work without getting paid!

 

Fuck, I hated myself. Or… If I really wanted to keep P’Erng in my life, I’d have to lower his importance in my heart. He saw me as… Erm… Someone to satisfy his urges?

 

Whenever he felt lonely, he could think of me. Well, I reckoned I could do exactly the same thing to him. If I wanted someone to cuddle, I had every right to go knocking on his door too. This time, P’Erng could be the one doing the work without getting paid!

 

What century were we living in, anyway?

 

Why should I think that just because I was the one being held, I was somehow the one losing out?

 

That wasn’t how it worked!

 

I was still the same person I’d always been. I wasn’t damaged. I was just heartbroken. And once I’d finally got over him, if P’Erng was still hanging around, bothering me… He’d just be another so damn hot man in my collection. Right now, I still loved him, so I felt like a little boat drifting aimlessly in the middle of the ocean.

 

But once those feelings disappeared, the situation would change completely. And if I still wanted someone who was incredibly good in bed to cuddle with, P’Erng would definitely be my number-one choice. Anyway. Whether I decided to disappear from P’Erng’s life completely or keep him as one of the men in my collection was something I could think about later. The first step was to get over him.

 

And this time, I was going to take it seriously. P’Erng would no longer be the most important person in my life!

 

Better yet, I needed to pay off that three-million-baht debt as quickly as possible. I’d hand him the money and finally start living a life where I could make my own choices. When that day came, whether I chose P’Erng or not would be an entirely different matter.

 

“What the fuck are you doing, Pei?”

 

“Studying lottery numbers. I have to win the jackpot.”

 

“How many people in Thailand do you reckon are thinking exactly the same thing as you?”

 

I didn’t care what Pong thought. I’d already bought a book full of lucky lottery numbers from the auntie who sold tickets diagonally across from our office. Surely there had to be at least one number in there that would win me the lottery!

 

“Can you stop ruining my luck?”

 

“Are you seriouslyyyyy telling me you’re taking the lottery this seriously?”

 

“Yes! I desperately need money. I’m three million baht in debt.”

 

“Your apartment’s that luxurious, and you’re still in debt?”

 

“I already told you, my dad won it in a lucky draw. I don’t dare sell it either. I wouldn’t know where to live.”

 

Seeing how stressed I looked, Pong started getting worried too. Actually, I was only pretending to be stressed. I was afraid he’d keep asking about my home, and I’d accidentally let something slip about P’Erng buying it for me.

 

“Why don’t you become an actor? You’ve got the looks for it. You know, like those young celebrities, Milan and people like that. You don’t even have to be particularly famous. As long as you keep getting regular work, there’s money to be made. Some jobs don’t even want anyone too famous.”

 

“Someone with a face like mine could do that?”

 

“Didn’t you used to brag about being a Cute Boy? I reckon you might even be cuter than Milan.”

 

“Do you have something against Milan or what?”

 

My instincts as a fanboy — admittedly a fake one — made me feel obliged to defend Milan. Lately, people online had been saying that Milan wasn’t particularly good-looking. I’d even gone into the comments to argue with them. Milan was cute!

 

Otherwise, why would P’Erng be dating him?

 

“He’s my friend’s ex. They broke up because Milan managed to land our boss. Well, when you think about it, someone at our boss’s level is obviously a better catch than an ordinary salaried employee who has to work for a living. My friend’s only a young businessman, earning a measly fifty thousand baht a month. Just the heir to a gold-shop business with seven branches across Bangkok. How could he possibly compete with the owner of the Araya Group?”

 

“Would you like to introduce your friend to me…?”

 

Pong gave me a thoroughly unimpressed look.

 

“So your plan is to get rich quickly and pay off your debt, is it? Leave my friend the fuck alone.”

 

He’d seen right through me again. How annoying. I’d better go back to studying the lottery numbers. I probably stood a better chance of winning the jackpot than landing myself a boyfriend who was heir to a chain of gold shops.

 

“But seriously, you could become an actor. I’ve got connections.”

 

“I don’t know how to act.”

 

“There are modelling jobs where you don’t need to act at all. You just stand there.”

 

“How the fuck would I get a job like that?”

 

“I told you, I’ve got connections. Who knows? You could end up famous. A well-known model!”

 

“I’m tiny! I’m only 163 centimetres tall. Even the girls in my faculty had longer legs than me.”

 

Pong sighed and shook my head vigorously. For fuck’s sake!

 

Why did he have to shake it like that?

 

All the number theories I’d worked so hard to connect together had completely flown out of my brain. How the hell was I supposed to win the lottery now?!

 

“Stop being so negative, Pei. Just give it a try. If it works out, you’ll have money to pay your debts. There are loads of different jobs in the entertainment industry. If you can’t do catwalk modelling, you can shoot adverts, become a DJ or work as a presenter. Whatever.”

 

“Do you really think I could do it?”

 

“Yeah. I’ll ask my friend for you. You can start with small jobs for newcomers and work your way into the industry.”

 

“Okay.”

 

And Pong really did arrange something for me. The first job he found through his friend was exactly the kind of beginner’s job he’d been talking about. My very first acting role was as an extra playing a lottery-ticket seller who sold tickets to the female lead’s mother. I had precisely two lines.

 

“Lucky numbers! Get your lucky numbers heeeere! This one’s the hottest number for this draw, madam!”

 

That was my first scene. I had to bob my head and wave my arms around as I said it. Then came the second scene.

 

“Five hundred baht for the whole set, madam! Cash only, no credit! I’m sick of chasing payments! Guaranteed to wiiiiiinnnn!”

 

How wonderfully easy!

 

I collected my fifteen hundred baht and went home to eat cabbage. What a lovely, easy job. Such quick money. I’d arrived on set at five in the morning and finally got to film my scene at three in the afternoon. And the actress playing the female lead’s mother had turned up late, too!

 

Even worse, I’d been so busy waiting around for my scene that I’d completely forgotten to buy a lottery ticket!

 

AAAAARGH!

 

Now I had to wait another fifteen whole days before I could get rich!

 

PEI IS SOOOOO ANNOYED!