In Love With An Idiot

Special Chapter 5: Honeymoon

“Ahhh… P'Erng!”

 

Sharp teeth bit hard into my shoulder as he drove his burning heat into me, the sounds echoing around the room. All I could do was grip the edge of the table. My legs were getting weaker by the second.

 

Outside the window, there was nothing but mountain ranges stretching into the distance and the sound of the strong winter wind blowing across Khao Kho. Yet here I was, completely naked beside the window. It was thrilling and frightening at the same time. I was terrified someone might see us. Thank goodness we'd turned off the lights and it was so dark.

 

I hadn't intended to stand here letting P'Erng make love to me by the window. But he'd wanted to try doing it outdoors for ages… so I'd agreed to a little something, since this was our honeymoon.

 

P'Erng had suggested going to Russia, but I'd wanted to come here instead, to the place where he'd proposed to me, at our organic cabbage farm. We'd only just arrived, but P'Erng said we had to start earning points straight away or we'd be wasting precious honeymoon time.

 

“Pei… squeeze me again. Ah…”

 

He turned me around to face him and lifted me onto the table beside the window. I wrapped both arms tightly around his neck, afraid I might fall out of the window, and locked my legs around his strong hips to take the thrusts meeting me.

 

“P'Erng kha…”

 

My newest technique for melting P'Erng's heart was using the sweet, feminine-sounding *kha* when we made love. It wasn't that I was pretending to be a woman. It was just that P'Erng said hearing me speak that way made him feel as though I was being three times as affectionate, and he absolutely loved it.

 

“Yes, Pei, sweetheart?”

 

“Pei loves P'Erng, kha. Mmmhh!”

 

A warm stream spilt deep inside me. P'Erng's movements slowed, but he still didn't stop. The embarrassingly wet sounds made my face burn. In the dim darkness, I could make out his smile and the look in his eyes that told me he loved me.

 

“P'Erng loves Pei too.”

 

P'Erng kissed me. He slowly slipped his tongue between my lips, tasting them, nibbling and sucking. Then I felt myself being lifted into the air as he carried me to the bed. Before I could even catch my breath, the second round had begun.

 

He bit me, spanked me and kissed me all over. Worse still, I was starting to think I wanted P'Erng to make love to me out in the cabbage fields too.

 

“I really want to tie Pei up, kha.”

 

It wasn't often that P'Erng wanted to tie me up. He only felt that way when we were having an especially wonderful time together, when he was enjoying it so much that he wanted to be just a little rougher.

 

“Then tie me up, kha… Pei wants to be tied up.”

 

And I didn't mean simply tying my wrists together. I meant Japanese *shibari*, the art of rope bondage used during sex. I was beginning to realise how much I liked being tied up, and P'Erng liked tying me up too.

 

We first came across it while the television was on one day. P'Erng had been working, and I'd been ironing clothes. A documentary-style programme about it happened to be showing, although neither of us had been paying much attention at first.

 

P'Erng asked whether I wanted to try it, and I agreed of my own free will.

 

At first, everything was embarrassing because we actually had to learn how to tie the ropes. P'Erng didn't want to practise on his own for fear of hurting me, so we invited an expert to teach us at the penthouse.

 

It turned out to be much more than the sexual preference I'd first assumed it was. Our instructor explained that the ropes could emphasise the body's shape and that the process required concentration.

 

When P'Erng and I did it, those moments would be quiet. I loved the way he moved the ropes slowly around my body, the way he looked at me, his kisses, the whispers of reassurance beside my ear. Everything he did made me feel as though I were flying, even though I couldn't move my body at all.

 

“Good boy…”

 

I was completely bound. The ropes ran above and below my chest, making it stand out for P'Erng as he bent down and sucked at it. It was tight, uncomfortable, agonisingly arousing, and I couldn't move at all.

 

My legs were spread wide and bound to my arms. P'Erng lowered himself and dragged his warm tongue over that swollen, tender place of mine. The sensation was so overwhelming that I had to scream. The ropes tightened painfully around my body, but somehow they took both of us further than usual.

 

“P'Erng loves Pei.”

 

“Pei loves P'Erng too…”

 

I was a complete mess afterwards, but far too exhausted to get up and shower. Once the ropes were loosened and removed, I lay limp in P'Erng's arms.

 

“Does it hurt?”

 

“P'Erng wasn't even rough with me. I liked it… when P'Erng tied me up.”

 

He worried every time we finished a session, partly because of the marks the ropes left on my skin.

 

“My wife is so adorable.”

 

“Well, my husband isn't allowed to refuse me, all right? You'll never find another wife as cute as me anywhere. From one end of this cabbage farm to the other, Pei's the very best.”

 

“Heh. I believe you… Come here and let me kiss my wife…”

 

“P'Erng! Who kisses someone there? Ah…”

 

You madman! Why were you kissing my chest? He kissed it, bit it and sucked it. I was already tired!

 

“Pei… can P'Erng have one more round, please?”

 

There he goes! Aaaaargh! We're not getting any sleep tonight!

 

It wasn't until the third day that P'Erng and I actually went out sightseeing around Khao Kho. Going on our honeymoon had changed the way we travelled. Everything felt fresh and wonderful, even if I didn't have much energy.

 

We'd chosen to come before the holiday season, so there weren't many tourists. It felt as though the whole of Khao Kho belonged to the two of us. I was so relaxed and happy that I wanted to invite P'Erng to act out an Indian film with me, running across the hills and chasing each other romantically.

 

Around dinnertime, P'Erng and I went to pick cabbages from our greenhouse to cook. They weren't fully grown yet, but they were already edible. I knew that because I grew cabbages on P'Erng's balcony too, although I kept those mostly as ornamental plants. I only pulled them out to eat once they were fully mature, then planted new ones. Most of the time, we just bought our cabbages anyway.

 

“Let me pull it out for you.”

 

“No! Pei wants to do it himself. What if P'Erng's hidden another ring in there for someone else? Maybe you've secretly been proposing to everyone in Khao Kho behind my back! I can't trust you.”

 

I put on a silly little voice to tease him. P'Erng laughed and left me to deal with the cabbages.

 

Our honeymoon had been wonderfully peaceful because P'Erng ordered me to turn off my phone. He said he didn't want some demon calling to torment us.

 

I couldn't help being curious, though, so I secretly switched my phone on for a look. There were twenty missed calls from P'Ern! I immediately turned it off again.

 

P'Ern was like a jealous nuisance, always trying to interfere in my married life with P'Erng. He was only teasing, of course, and I thought it was funny too. But P'Erng was terribly possessive of me lately. I wasn't even allowed to chat to Pong for too long.

 

Pong said it was the newlywed phase.

 

I've seen less of Pong these days because I've moved to work with P'Erng. After studying languages for two months, I reckoned my English was just about good enough to get by.

 

P'Erng hadn't sent a buffalo to school this time, though. He'd bought me a course costing almost a hundred thousand baht, with lessons five days a week and tests all the time. There was no chance of getting lazy. I'd never studied so hard in my life, because P'Erng had threatened that if I didn't improve, he'd ban bedroom activities.

 

That was serioussss!

 

My sex drive had been through the roof lately, and ever since we started experimenting with ropes, I almost wanted to be tied up every other day. Depriving me and leaving me desperately wanting more would have been a dangerous business for P'Erng. So I studied hard and brought home good marks on my little tests to win my husband over.

 

I thought perhaps it was because I wanted to make up for all the time we'd lost together. But P'Erng said the truth was that I was an insatiably horny little cabbage, and lately I was even the one nudging him to start things.

 

Hehe. Well, I didn't have to get up early for work any more, so I could do whatever I pleased. I could stay up late and sleep in. But the person who couldn't keep up was P'Erng. He told me I had to learn a little patience.

 

He wasn't seriously forbidding me anything, though. He actually bought me a dildo. He said he couldn't manage the full programme when work was so busy.

 

I wasn't happy with a dildo, you know. I wanted P'Erngggg!

 

But it was acceptable, because P'Erng still helped me use it. He moved it inside me while using his hand on himself. That was one of our gentler days. The last time we had a more intense session, he even tried to push himself inside me at the same time as the dildo.

 

Er… I probably shouldn't go into too much detail about that. Let's just say I was very satisfied, so I hinted that I wanted another dildo. It was soooo embarrassing, but P'Erng told me to be honest about how I felt and what I wanted.

 

If we kept our hearts open to each other, our love would last for ages and ages, just like P'Pang's song *Allergic to Bangkok*. P'Erng even ordered some women's toys for me to try.

 

He always liked spoiling me. Just recently, he'd suggested we open a sex-toy website and choose things together. It was a whole new world for me. There were so many things!

 

It probably sounds as though we're obsessed, but we're not, honestly. Once I started working again, we slowed down and mostly made love gently and softly. We saved the rougher stuff for our days off.

 

P'Erng said he was so enthusiastic because he wanted to get me pregnant quickly and have enough adorable children to make a football team.

 

“That's hardly any. Pei wants three football teams!”

 

We still joked about it all the time. I'd never get pregnant, no matter what. Although P'Erng loved using it as an excuse to persuade me to take him in my mouth, claiming that if I swallowed enough, I'd get pregnant.

 

Whose husband was this? What a pervert!

 

We did end up having children, though. Two of them, in fact. They were guinea pigs, those adorable little long-haired, chubby creatures. The first was orange-yellow like Hamtaro from the cartoon, and the second was black and white like a cow.

 

I had to sit and tie up my babies' fur every day because it was so long. At first, it was exhausting. We even had to train them to use a litter tray.

 

P'Erng and I hadn't planned to keep them. P'Ern had bought them for us! He said we should raise them as our children.

 

P'Erng almost picked up the guinea pigs and threw them at P'Ern's head, but I thought they were cute, so I accepted them. P'Erng grumbled that I shouldn't give in to P'Ern, but if we hadn't taken them, who knew where he might have dumped them? Poor little things.

 

“Aren't they adorable, P'Erng? Look how cute Daddy Pei's babies are!”

 

P'Erng shook his head at me, but after a while he started to like the two little guinea pigs too. We named them Kalam and Plee-chan, after cabbages. When P'Ern heard, he said I had absolutely no imagination.

 

Once we'd got used to having two babies, I learnt the truth. P'Ern had actually bought the guinea pigs to woo P'Em. They were supposed to be a heartfelt gift or something along those lines.

 

But P'Em refused them because he was already helping his boss, Jern, look after birds and rabbits. He had plenty of responsibilities and didn't want any more children.

 

My love life had become fairly trouble-free since getting married. Our bedroom life was a resounding success. The only problem left was work.

 

When I moved to the hospital, my salary went up by 2,000 baht to 17,000. I'd tried applying to other places, but I hadn't got through.

 

“Will Pei ever earn a hundred thousand a month in this lifetime?”

 

Pong had received a ten per cent pay rise. And that bonus everyone had rumoured would be three months' salary? It had turned out to be five! But I'd already resigned!

 

As for me, I'd only just transferred to the hospital. I hadn't even passed my probation, so I didn't receive a bonus at all.

 

“Just spend my money, Pei.”

 

“But Pei wants to succeed on his own.”

 

“You can't think like that, Pei. You've got children and a husband now. You have to focus on the home.”

 

“P'Erng, are you seriously trying to comfort me by telling me I have children and a husband?”

 

“Yes. And a rich husband, at that.”

 

P'Erng winked and smiled to himself. He was so irritatingly cute that I lunged forward and nipped his cheek.

 

“I never win the lottery, and my salary's tiny. I'm fed up.”

 

I was still determined to play the lottery! There was always another draw waiting in life. P'Toon from Bodyslam didn't actually say that, by the way.

 

I'd won a few times over the years, usually just the last-digit prizes. I'd never won anything big, but I had to keep trying.

 

Where there's perseverance, there's success. One day it would be my winning draw!

 

“Next draw, I'll help you find some lucky numbers.”

 

P'Erng was so sweet. He'd never told me to give up the lottery. Instead, he joined in the fun by looking for lucky numbers with me. He was always invited to important functions in the business world, so he'd tell me where they were being held, what time they started and how many guests were coming. I'd use those numbers to buy lottery tickets.

 

Sometimes they won, and sometimes they didn't. But P'Erng wouldn't let me spend too much. He gave me a budget of six hundred baht a month, which meant I could buy three tickets per draw if the sellers refused to sell them at the official eighty-baht price!

 

If I managed to buy them for eighty baht, I'd still have twenty baht in change to put in my savings jar. Once I'd saved another eighty, I could buy one more ticket.

 

You can race boats against each other, but you can't compete with someone else's luck and good fortune. That really is true.

 

P'Erng casually bought five hundred thousand baht's worth of Government Savings Bank prize-linked savings certificates. Six months later, he won a major prize!

 

And me? P'Erng had even bought a million baht's worth for me, but I'd never won anything big. I got the small prizes every draw only because I held all the numbers in the series.

 

Pong said the only lucky thing that had ever happened to me was marrying a rich husband. I'd used up all my good fortune on my husband, so there was none left for the lottery.

 

Thinking of it that way made me feel a little better. Honestly, having a husband like P'Erng was much better than winning first prize in the lottery.

 

“I love P'Erng so much.”

 

“I'm not going to give in and buy you a whole set of lottery tickets.”

 

“What? But you bought me a set when you proposed!”

 

“That promotion has expired, my darling wife.”

 

“Can't you extend the promotion, kha, my darling husband?”

 

P'Erng was starting to smile with satisfaction again. So I hurried over to act all sweet and affectionate. I had some really lucky numbers from my lottery LINE group for this draw. This was definitely the time to buy a whole set!

 

“Please, kha. Buy them for Pei, please?”

 

“Make me happy first.”

 

Ooooh, easy! Pei knows exactly what P'Erng likes!