In Love With An Idiot

Chapter 2: Broken Heart

I still hadn’t quite adjusted to living in my new condo. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I hadn’t adjusted to living alone. The condo P’Erng had bought me before we broke up was a spacious one-bedroom apartment with a living room and a small kitchen. Most importantly, although it was in a different building, it was almost directly opposite P’Erng’s apartment, just two or three floors lower.

 

That’s right.

 

P’Erng, who clearly didn’t understand my poor, broken heart in the slightest, had bought me a condo in the same development as his own penthouse. The only difference was that it was in another building. And the two buildings faced each other. All I had to do was look up slightly, and there was P’Erng’s enormous balcony, clearly visible in glorious Full HD.

 

Personally, I thought P’Erng simply didn’t want to spend money on a condo belonging to another property developer. Besides, since his own company owned the development, he might not have had to pay a single baht for it anyway. He was probably just being stingy, combined with not giving the matter much thought. And that’s how I ended up living here. As if suffering from unrequited love wasn’t bad enough, now I had to sit here like a lovesick puppy, staring at his bloody balcony!

 

If I ignored the balcony situation, my new apartment was actually very nice. It was just… small. P’Erng had thoroughly spoilt me. After all, I’d spent the previous four years living in his penthouse. That beautiful home I’d always dreamed of had been mine to enjoy for four whole years.

 

And then…

 

THUD!

 

Straight back down to earth.

 

Oh, well. There was nothing I could do about it. The sweet memories of the past weren’t coming back, so all I had left was the future. And that meant getting my bloody eyes open early enough to go to work.

 

Standing here staring at Khun Achitphon’s balcony wasn’t going to do anything except make me late. Khun Achitphon could turn up for work whenever he pleased. But Khun Paopei had to be at work by half past eight!

 

I’d officially completed my first week at work. My position was receptionist, stationed on the ground floor of the Araya Building. My responsibilities involved smiling sweetly at visitors who came to exchange their identification cards for visitor passes, then telephoning whichever department they were there to see.

 

To be honest, I wasn’t entirely sure what part of that qualified as public relations. Still, I liked the job. I got to wear a suit and greet everyone with my most charming smile. The Araya Building wasn’t a towering skyscraper like Chofa Bank, which stood opposite our condo development. Instead, it was a large, seven-storey building with rather unusual architecture.

 

There were open-air sections mixed with air-conditioned indoor areas, making the place resemble one of those enormous shopping centres in the heart of the city. It was certainly an appropriate headquarters for a leading company in the property industry. Every morning, I arrived at work feeling ridiculously proud and emotional. Even though I didn’t own so much as a tiny corner of a floor tile in the entire building.

 

Then again, I hadn’t owned P’Erng’s penthouse either, but that hadn’t stopped me from spending four years feeling absolutely delighted with my ridiculously beautiful home. I suppose… I really haven’t adjusted to my new life very well at all. I needed to stop thinking of myself as someone who belonged to P’Erng.

 

His home wasn’t my home. His company wasn’t my company. I ought to follow the advice people gave on Pantip. Love your work, but don’t fall in love with the company. Because once you fell in love with the company, you’d end up falling in love with its owner.

 

Just like when I’d gone to clean an apartment and accidentally fallen for the man who owned it. And where had that got me? Nothing but a broken heart. I’d become prey for a lion to devour, only to be thrown away afterwards.

 

“Hello. I’m here to see Khun Achitphon.”

 

“Do you have an appointment? Please allow me to check with Khun Achitphon’s secretary first.”

 

The person who’d just arrived was an up-and-coming young actor. Well, almost famous. He hadn’t landed any particularly important roles yet, but I’d been following his career because he was incredibly good-looking.

 

No, wait.

 

That wasn’t the reason.

 

It was because he was P’Erng’s new boy!

 

I’d practically turned into one of those jealous wives who obsessively stalk their husband’s mistress, following his every move until I’d somehow ended up joining his official fan club. I hadn’t attended his latest fan meeting, though. The tickets had sold out before I could buy one. Which meant I hadn’t been there to see the enormous bouquet of congratulatory flowers sent by an anonymous admirer.

 

Anonymous, my arse!

 

I knew!

 

I’d seen it!

 

The person who sent those flowers was P’Erng!

 

“Yes, I have an appointment. My name is Milan.”

 

Well, well, well. You’ve got a face that couldn’t look more Thai if you tried, yet your name’s Milan. Not that I had much room to criticise. My own parents had been pretentious enough to name me Paopei.

 

“Just a moment, please. Um… could I have your autograph as well? Hehe.”

 

I only asked on the off chance that he became properly famous one day. Then I could sell his autograph and use the money to buy myself something delicious to eat. I had to think ahead. There was no point getting jealous over something I couldn’t change. Putting food in my stomach was far more important!

 

Milan exchanged his identification card for a visitor pass and headed towards the lifts. I let out a long sigh and returned to staring at my usual spot. Then I took a photograph of his autograph and sent it to the fan club’s group chat. What the fuck am I doing with my life…?

 

“I want to quit. I’m so fucking sick of this place.”

 

The colleague I was closest to was Pongkhun. Pongkhun worked in the marketing department. Like me, he was a newly employed graduate, full of enthusiasm and lucky enough to have secured a position within the Araya Group. We’d become friends because we’d started work on the same day.

 

The Human Resources department gathered all the new employees together for an induction before we began work. And Pongkhun had been complaining that he wanted to resign since the very first day. The ridiculous thing was that his starting salary was already more than forty-five thousand baht!

 

He’d graduated with honours, and apparently he’d also won some sort of project competition. Meanwhile, I was earning fifteen thousand baht a month and hadn’t complained about wanting to leave even once. Oh, actually, I couldn’t leave. I was contractually obliged to stay for three years.

 

I hadn’t meant to discover how much Pongkhun earned, by the way. When we signed our employment contracts, someone in HR accidentally handed us each other’s documents. The moment that bastard Pong saw my salary, he apparently took pity on me and immediately decided we should be friends. He said I probably wouldn’t be as extravagant as his university friends. Was that supposed to comfort me, or were you just rubbing it in that I’m poor?!

 

“Oi, Pei. Why do you eat so little? Want another piece of my chicken?”

 

I’d brought my own packed lunch. It was a habit I’d developed while living at the mansion, since I hadn’t received a single baht in pocket money. Auntie Sri and Auntie Phon would use whatever they’d made for breakfast to prepare a packed lunch for me to take to school. Later, when I became P’Erng’s boy, he took me to enrol at university and moved me into his apartment. Even then, I never lost the habit of making packed lunches.

 

Although I wasn’t making them for myself. I made them for P’Erng whenever he came home.

 

He’d left me to live in his penthouse while he went off goodness knows where. Some weeks, he’d come home for three days. Other weeks, four. Whenever he was there, I looked after him incredibly well.

 

I was such a good little boy. Such a bloody good little boy. And look where that had got me. Now I was making packed lunches for myself. Seriously, though… How the hell did P’Erng manage to eat my ridiculously salty omelettes for four whole years?

 

“Hey, did you see Khun Erng’s new boyfriend? He’s fucking gorgeous.”

 

“Well, he’s an actor. Of course he’s good-looking.”

 

“You know about him too? That’s inside information, mate. What are you, some kind of gossip?”

 

“I-I just happened to hear about it.”

 

I didn’t dare tell him that my information was more inside than anyone else’s. I knew more about the situation than the entire Milan fan club put together!

 

The only thing I hadn’t actually witnessed was Milan sleeping with P’Erng. And I certainly didn’t want to know that much. Just thinking about it made me want to cry.

 

That afternoon, I was feeling absolutely miserable. I’d planned to sneak outside and get a little fresh air before returning to work. But instead, I saw P’Erng opening his car door for Milan.

 

That car. The very same car I’d spent years sitting in as P’Erng’s little passenger-seat ornament. And he’d never once opened the door for me like that. The heavy ache in my chest was unbearable. By the time I finished work and returned home, I was crying my bloody eyes out.

 

There I was, the very picture of a heartbroken, miserable wretch, lying in bed hugging my pillow and sobbing for an entire hour. Eventually, I was so exhausted that everything felt blurry. And I was absolutely starving. By the time I’d managed to stop crying, it was already eight o’clock in the evening. There wasn’t any fresh food in my apartment, so I had no choice but to drag myself downstairs to the supermarket in the development.

 

Our complex had a branch of a famous supermarket chain, and the products inside were all ridiculously posh. They even sold imported goods. But one look at the prices made me want to start crying all over again. How the fuck am I supposed to survive here on fifteen thousand baht a month?!

 

Where’s the bloody fresh market?! Do they accept the government’s half-price subsidy scheme?!

 

I shuffled along the aisles, dragging my feet and wasting time until I passed the refrigerated section. In the glass door, I caught sight of my reflection. There stood a man with messy hair, swollen eyes, a stretched-out T-shirt with a sagging neckline and an old pair of ridiculously baggy shorts. The only remotely expensive things I was wearing were my flip-flops. They were designer ones, you know!

 

P’Erng had bought matching pairs for us. I’d been wearing mine for almost three years. By now, though, they’d deteriorated so badly that they looked no different from a cheap pair of market flip-flops, covered in dirt and mud.

 

My appearance was absolutely pitiful. Just like my poor, battered shoes, I looked completely out of place compared with everyone else in the supermarket. The staff didn’t look down on me, though. I came here often enough that they recognised me. They were probably just wondering how the cheerful, flower-like young man they usually saw had suddenly transformed into something resembling a corpse.

 

Have you ever had your heart broken?

 

You should try it sometime. If you’ve ever wanted to see what you’d look like as a walking corpse, heartbreak is a wonderful way to find out. I knew I was going on about P’Erng too much. But the wound was still fresh. And my entire youth had revolved around him.

 

He’d been more than a father to me. My actual father had never looked after me the way P’Erng had. And now he was gone.

 

If you’ve never experienced heartbreak, just imagine your father dying. That’s about how I felt. In the past, I could put anything I wanted into my shopping trolley because P’Erng had given me a credit card.

 

Actually…

 

I could still do that.

 

Hehe.

 

The thing was, he’d never asked for the credit card back. And I’d forgotten to return it. But I couldn’t exactly march up to the executive floor and hand him his credit card, could I?

 

People might start asking questions. It could damage P’Erng’s reputation. Besides, he never even passed through the reception area where I worked. Not once.

 

I wasn’t using his credit card, though. If I did, the statement would arrive at the end of the month, and he’d probably give me a proper telling-off. If he couldn’t find the card, he could always report it missing and have it cancelled himself. I just wanted to keep it as a souvenir.

 

“Shit… Why the hell am I crying in the middle of a supermarket?”

 

An older woman pushing her trolley past me looked rather startled. I suppose seeing a young man standing there, crying and clutching a tin of fish, was a little unusual.

 

I did have some money saved in my bank account from the allowance P’Erng had given me over the years. But savings didn’t last forever. If I could save money, I ought to save it. That way, when I reached old age, I’d still have enough left to spoil some handsome young man.

 

You see, originally I’d wanted to become one of those rich, generous men who showered their younger lovers with money. But I didn’t know where to find one. And I was worried about running out of cash. So I’d decided to postpone that particular life plan. Perhaps becoming a sixty-year-old Uncle Paopei, with a handsome university-aged boyfriend, would be even cooler.

 

Having wiped my face and eyes with my sleeve, I prepared to push my trolley towards the checkout. Inside it were nothing but tinned fish and instant noodles. But just when I thought my luck couldn’t get any worse… Bloody hell. In the entire four years we’d lived together, Khun Achitphon had never once graced this supermarket with his presence. Yet the moment we broke up, there he was!

 

And naturally, he had to see me looking so bloody dreadful that even a hungry ghost would have been frightened away.

 

“Paopei? What’s wrong?”

 

P’Erng seemed startled. Or perhaps he simply felt sorry for me. Either way, he hurried over and pressed his warm hand against my forehead.

 

“Um… Khun Achi…”

 

“P’Erng.”

 

“Yes, P’Erng. It’s just that I…”

 

“Pei?”

 

“Pei isn’t feeling very well.”

 

“Then why haven’t you been to see a doctor? What are you doing wandering around in the air conditioning? And what are you buying? Instant noodles and tinned fish?”

 

Bloody hell, why are you scolding me?! We’re not even together any more! And what was wrong with eating instant noodles and tinned fish anyway? Are you looking down on tinned fish now, P’Erng?!

 

It’s delicious! I’d even made spicy tinned-fish salad for him before. And instant noodles too!

 

“Pei’s just stocking up, that’s all…”

 

“Come with me. You should get some vitamins. Have you got any medicine?”

 

He didn’t bother waiting for me to agree or disagree. Instead, he placed his empty shopping basket inside my trolley, took hold of the handle and began pushing it himself. So there I was, trailing after the great man like some miserable ghost as he headed towards the vitamin shelves.

 

“Take some vitamin C. And a multivitamin too.”

 

He kept picking up various supplements and putting them into my trolley. Then he pushed it towards the vegetables. Unfortunately, P’Erng didn’t know the first thing about buying vegetables. A man like him couldn’t even tell Chinese kale from choy sum!

 

“Which one is it you like eating again? This one?”

 

“Yes.”

 

He picked up a cabbage and placed it in the trolley. I absolutely loved cabbage. I’d become obsessed with it after P’Erng took me to eat at a restaurant called Green Dragon. After that, I’d started buying cabbages and boiling them myself. Not that I thought P’Erng remembered because he was particularly thoughtful or attentive.

 

I’d been boiling cabbage practically every other day. Even the stupidest person in the world would have remembered that I liked eating it.

 

Still, his kindness made me feel ridiculously happy. It was almost as though the good old days had returned. Until someone telephoned him. And P’Erng answered in a soft, deep voice that he’d never once used with me.

 

“Hello, Milan… I’m at the supermarket. I’ve come to buy some shaving cream… Haha… What, are you going to shave me yourself? Do you even know how? Hmm?”

 

Who turned off the bloody lights?

 

Why did my happiness disappear so quickly?!

 

And like an absolute idiot, I continued following P’Erng around the supermarket while he chatted sweetly with his new boyfriend. He’d completely forgotten that he’d taken my trolley. Well, I could have taken it back, couldn’t I?

 

So why hadn’t I run straight to the checkout? Oh, that’s right. Because I didn’t have enough money to pay for everything. And half the bloody things in the trolley weren’t even mine!

 

There was P’Erng’s shaving cream, the snacks he liked, and a four-pack of imported beer. Apparently, I had some sort of psychological problem that made me enjoy torturing myself. Eventually, P’Erng ended the call and headed for the checkout. He paid for everything, without even bothering to ask the cashier to separate his purchases from mine. So all our shopping ended up mixed together.

 

“We’ll sort it out at your apartment. I’ll take my things home afterwards.”

 

“Is your new apartment all right?”

 

“Yes. It’s comfortable.”

 

“I like how this side doesn’t get any direct sunlight.”

 

Then why don’t you bloody live here yourself?!

 

Of course there’s no sunlight! Your enormous building is blocking it!

 

“You’ve still got this?”

 

P’Erng had stopped beside the sofa, where I’d placed a stuffed lion I’d won from a lucky-dip game at a university fair. He had no idea that I’d spent years secretly comparing him to a lion in my head. He simply thought the toy was funny because of its ridiculously cheerful grin.

 

“I’m going to throw it away soon. It’s getting old.”

 

“Can you really bear to throw it away? You used to love that thing.”

 

“Well… if I can grow to like something, I can stop liking it too.”

 

Silence fell between us. I couldn’t see P’Erng’s expression because he had his back to me. He probably hadn’t even realised that I was talking about myself. That one day, I’d have to stop liking him.

 

Stop loving him. It might not happen today, but someday, I will manage it. I left him standing beside the stuffed lion and went to separate my shopping from his. P’Erng was still using all the same brands.

 

Even the condoms were the same. The only difference was that the person he was using them with wasn’t me any more. Not that he bothered using them very often when he was with me.

 

Stingy bastard. He knew he was the only person I slept with, so he thought he could get away with it. He never considered how much trouble it caused me afterwards.

 

“All finished, P’Erng. Thank you very much.”

 

I handed him his bag and raised my hands in a wai, just as I always did. P’Erng liked well-mannered young people, so I’d always been careful to show him respect. Whether I was thanking him, apologising or trying to sweet-talk him into something, I always did it this way. Please allow me to praise myself just a little. I really was such a well-behaved boy!

 

“Mmm… Don’t forget to take your vitamins.”

 

“Yes, P’Erng.”

 

The moment P’Erng left, I burst into tears again.

 

YOU FUCKING BASTAAAAARD!

 

I’D FINALLY MANAGED TO STOP CRYING!

 

AND NOW I’M CRYING ALL OVER AGAIN!

 

Forget dinner.

 

I wasn’t in the mood to eat anything any more. I threw myself onto the bed, wrapped my arms around my pillow and carried on sobbing. But nobody can cry forever. Eventually, at eleven o’clock that night, I successfully dragged myself out of bed and cooked some instant noodles. I switched on the television, found a film channel, and then… started crying again.

 

Of course, the film just had to be a heartbreaking romantic drama about unrequited love! And the music was so bloody sad!

 

I couldn’t even change the channel because I’d become completely absorbed in the story. So there I sat, eating my instant noodles and crying at the same time.

 

Sniff…

 

This cabbage is delicious…

 

I telephoned work and called in sick. My marathon crying session had actually left me with a fever. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the energy to drag myself to the doctor. So I simply got up long enough to take some ordinary painkillers and fever-reducing tablets, then went back to bed.

 

By the time I woke up again, it was a little after midday. I made myself some cabbage soup and ate it with tinned fish, along with all the vitamins P’Erng had bought me.

 

I could have been stubborn and refused to take them. But that would have been such a waste. I might as well eat them. They were good for me, after all. Besides, what was the point of being stubborn when P’Erng wasn’t even around to notice?

 

“Oi! Why aren’t you at work?”

 

Pongkhun had telephoned me. It was still his lunch break.

 

“I’m sick. Not feeling well.”

 

“Really? I’ll come over and visit you later. We can make sukiyaki.”

 

“Don’t you have any other friends, Pong?”

 

“I’ve got you, haven’t I? Send me your location on LINE. I’ll order one of those sukiyaki delivery sets. There’s a place that even delivers the cooking pot.”

 

He’d already started arranging everything himself, so all I could do was send him my location. Actually, it would be nice having him around. Otherwise, I’d probably spend the entire evening lying in bed crying my eyes out again. So I sent him another message on LINE, asking him to bring some beer as well. I could drink alcohol, but I got drunk very easily.

 

P’Erng used to get me tipsy all the time. And then we’d get all sweet and affectionate with each other…

 

FUCK!

 

WHY AM I STILL THINKING ABOUT HIM?!

 

Tonight, I was going to get so drunk that I’d completely lose track of time and wake up the following morning without remembering a thing! I wasn’t going to think about P’Erng any more!

 

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

 

YOU FUCKING BASTARD!

 

GET OUUUUUUUT!

 

PAOPEI IS GOING TO FORGET THAT

 

BASTARD P’ERNG!

 

YOU CAN GO STRAIGHT INTO THE

 

SUKIYAKI POT AND DROWN, YOU ARSEHOLE!

 

That was about as much shouting and ranting as I could manage. Then I went back to bed. And, of course, I couldn’t fall asleep. Because I was still thinking about him. Waaaaah… Pei misses P’Erng…