In Love With An Idiot
Chapter 11: Reason
After delivering the documents to P’Eung and returning his car, Pong and I went our separate ways and worked for a little while longer before finishing for the day. Then I went back to my flat and continued stressing myself out. Everything Pong had said was making my head spin. I hadn't managed to follow all of it, but I'd understood enough to know that apparently I couldn't trust anyone.
There was something suspicious about my break-up with P’Eung. Someone might have interfered in our relationship, causing us to misunderstand each other. But I still didn't know whether any of that was actually true. Wouldn't it be easier if I just talked to P’Eung myself?
Surely P’Eung didn't want things to remain unresolved either. I certainly wanted to clear everything up. Even if it turned out we'd broken up over a misunderstanding, that didn't necessarily mean P’Eung and I couldn't simply return to the happy days we once shared. We'd been growing apart for quite some time.
I'd been hurting ever since my third year at university, when P’Eung started becoming distant. Then, after I graduated, we stopped living together altogether. It had been almost a year since we were apart. We couldn't exactly expect everything to go back to normal overnight. But if it turned out that P’Eung really had abandoned me, I'd probably spend another month crying because I'd already allowed myself to hope that he still loved me.
Still, I wouldn't cry for the rest of my life. I'd already started coming to terms with things. What was the harm in having to get over him a second time?
Either way, I had nothing left to lose. Surely talking to P’Eung directly was better than sitting around stressing about whether P’Ein was playing tricks on me, Khun Ta was plotting something behind the scenes, Milan had bad intentions, or P’Eung had genuinely meant to abandon me. I'd settle everything once P’Eung came home this evening. And he definitely had to come back because his suitcase was still here!
Right in the middle of my flat!
What sort of person casually drags a suitcase into someone else's home?!
Didn't he have a flat of his own anymore?
Why did he have to squeeze himself into my tiny, cramped little place?
I was so nervous that I couldn't even finish my dinner. I'd made egg fried rice without cabbage because I'd run out, but I barely managed to eat any of it. In the end, I put the leftovers in the fridge to eat later if I got hungry. Watching the news only made me feel worse. Apparently, cabbage was among the ten vegetables most likely to contain pesticide residues. Wait a minute…
Could that be why I was so small and slow at thinking?
Had I been poisoning myself with cabbage all these years?!
I glanced across at P’Eung's enormous balcony on the opposite side. I wished I had a balcony like that. Then I could grow my own cabbage and eat it without worrying about pesticides!
As for my cabbage farm project, I was about seventy per cent serious about it. But P’Ein had told me the initial investment would be expensive, and I had to admit he was right. Maybe it would be better to remain a regular employee after all. Still, I wanted to grow cabbage for myself, like having a little vegetable garden. Perhaps I should buy some seeds and try growing them in pots first.
If that worked, I could figure out how to grow enough to eat regularly. I'd done gardening at the Araya household, but I'd never actually tried growing vegetables.
“Are you seriously calling me at eight o'clock at night just to ask whether I've ever grown cabbage?”
“Well, you seem really clever, Pong.”
“Being clever has fuck all to do with growing cabbage, Pei! What the hell are you obsessing over now?”
“Hehe… I think I'm just a bit stressed.”
“Bloody hell. I told you not to stress, didn't I? Just stay still. Understand? Keep making that innocent little face of yours, and everything will sort itself out.”
“That's easy for you to say! I don't know how I'm supposed to talk to P’Eung. It's really bothering me. I want to ask him directly so I'll finally know what to do next.”
“Uh-huh. Then ask him.”
“But I'm scared…”
“Scared of the answer?”
“Scared he'll tell you he doesn't love you?”
“…A little.”
“If you're so worked up that you're asking me for cabbage-growing advice, I don't think it's just a little!”
Pong sighed dramatically.
“People get their hearts broken, Pei. It happens!”
“Just remember, you've still got my rich friend from the gold shop as a backup.”
“If Khun Eung dumps you, I'll practically hand my friend over to you on a silver platter!”
“He might not be as rich as the Arayas, but he's still bloody rich!”
“Understand? You've got options!”
“Or you could always close your eyes and start dating Milan instead.”
That idiot Pong made everything sound as easy as snapping his fingers. Why couldn't I be even half as relaxed about life as he was?
“Hang on. You told me Milan was deceiving me, and now you're encouraging me to date him?”
“That's a bit contradictory, Pong.”
“Don't start being clever at the wrong bloody time!”
“If Milan's trying to deceive you, then deceive him right back!”
“Pretend you're in love with him. Go out with him. Break his bloody heart so badly that he can't even think about going back to Khun Eung!”
“I'm not a villain, you bastard!”
“I know!”
Pong didn't hesitate for a second.
“An idiot like you would definitely be the heroine in one of those evening television dramas.”
“Your mother-in-law would hate you, the villain would be trying to steal your leading man, and you'd spend every bloody day crying while hugging a cabbage plant!”
“You'd be so ridiculously good-hearted that the male lead wouldn't realise your worth until the final episode!”
“And of course, you'd end up with Khun Eung in the end.”
“The only good luck you've got in your entire life is having me as your friend!”
“Then, towards the end, the male lead would start getting jealous of me because he'd finally realised he loved you.”
“He'd suspect that you and I had something going on.”
“And just when you'd finally started getting over him, he'd come crawling back to beg for forgiveness.”
“That's when you've got to play hard to get!”
“Don't take him back too easily!”
“You know, those slap-and-kiss dramas. He slaps you, you kiss him. He slaps you again, you kiss him again!”
“P’Eung's going to slap me?!”
That sounded completely ridiculous!
P’Eung could be cruel, but he wasn't violent. Even when he'd been furious with me, he'd never hit me!
Why would he suddenly start slapping me?
And kissing him afterwards?!
If P’Eung slapped me, I'd be in too much pain to think about kissing anyone!
I'd probably go flying off the balcony and break my neck before I got anywhere near his lips!
“FUCKING HELL, PEI! HAVE YOU EVER WATCHED A TELEVISION DRAMA?!”
“I only watch Netflix. P’Eung likes it, hehe.”
“Actually, I'm still secretly using his password to watch things.”
When I lived with Auntie Sri and Auntie Porn, they used to watch those evening dramas. They'd keep switching between Channels 3 and 7 while I was doing my homework. Every time I looked up, I'd be completely confused about what was happening in the story. But that was six years ago!
After I moved in with P’Eung, we mostly watched Western series. I could barely remember what we'd watched anyway.
“Bloody hell, I'm exhausted.”
Pong sounded utterly defeated.
“Look, just remember this. You need to be strong. Don't give in too easily. Whatever he asks you for, don't soften up straight away.”
“But P’Eung's never asked me for anything.”
“He's always given me things. He gave me a condominium, a car, money, credit cards…”
“I MEAN ASKING YOU TO GET BACK TOGETHER!”
“That's what he's supposed to ask!”
“But shouldn't I be the one asking him?”
“FUCK! YOU'RE GIVING ME A MIGRAINE!”
“Pei, go and brush your teeth and get into bed!”
“Dream about your bloody cabbage!”
“Maybe if a cabbage appears in your dreams, it'll show you the way to enlightenment!”
Then that idiot Pong hung up on me. Just like that!
I was stressed and needed advice from my best friend, but Pong was an absolutely rubbish best friend!
I hadn't even managed to figure anything out!
What the hell was that supposed to mean?!
Where could I find a new friend?
Did that orange shopping app sell them?
I had a discount code, you know… Still, some of Pong's words were worth thinking about. So I switched on the television and watched a Thai drama for the first time in ages. Normally, I didn't watch Thai dramas unless Milan was in them. But the actors in this one were really good!
They were completely different from the actors in Milan's teen series, where everyone was so stiff they practically looked wooden. But I was a loyal fan!
Even if Milan played the role of a rock in every single drama, I'd still support him!
“Pei, you're not asleep yet?”
P’Eung was back. Wait… How did P’Eung have a key card for my condominium?
That was another thing I was curious about. I'd been so shocked when he arrived this morning that I'd forgotten to ask.
“P’Eung, do you have a key card for Pei's flat?”
“Of course. You shoved it into my hand that night.”
“The night you told me to come and live with you.”
“But Pei's only had one key card since moving into this flat, and I'm still using it.”
“The one by the door.”
“How am I supposed to know?”
“I think something's a bit strange…”
“My head hurts. Have you got any painkillers?”
“Eh? Is it a migraine?”
P’Eung raised a hand to massage his temples before coming over to sit beside me. He looked so exhausted that I immediately became worried. Poor P’Eung… I'd lived with him for years. There were times, especially whenever a new project started, when he became incredibly busy. Sometimes he barely slept because there was so much work to do, and that usually brought on his migraines.
P’Eung wasn't the sort of business owner who just sat behind a desk managing everything. He visited construction sites, inspected the land and checked on the workers himself. Araya had projects all over the country, so sometimes he'd disappear for days at a time.
“Hmm… Maybe.”
“What are you watching?”
“A drama. I don't really understand what's going on, though.”
“I'll turn it off.”
“Have you eaten yet, P’Eung? I haven't got any of your migraine medicine here.”
“Wouldn't it be better if you went back to your flat? Then you could get some rest.”
“I haven't eaten anything yet.”
“I suppose I'll have to go back. There should still be some fruit juice and instant noodles in the kitchen.”
Instant noodles?
Wait. When Pong and I went to collect the title deed earlier, P’Ein stole them!
OH, SHIT!
“Why don't I make you something to eat instead? You shouldn't just eat instant noodles.”
I got up and opened the fridge to see what fresh ingredients I had. Apart from the leftover fried rice I'd barely touched, there was practically nothing. It wasn't my usual shopping day yet!
“Pei will go downstairs and buy some fresh ingredients from the supermarket.”
“Then I'll come with you.”
“We can cook at my place. That way, I can take my medicine too.”
“That sounds better, doesn't it?”
I decided to put our relationship problems aside for the time being. P’Eung really did seem to have a terrible headache. Besides, it was nearly ten o'clock. We could always talk tomorrow. When we reached the supermarket, P’Eung pushed the trolley while I wandered around choosing things he liked.
I picked up plenty of fruit juice. And a packet of instant noodles. P’Eung didn't particularly like instant noodles, except when we stayed up late watching films together. But P’Ein had stolen the packet from his kitchen. And I'd witnessed the crime!
So I needed to cover up the evidence as quickly as possible.
“I'll fry you an egg and some sausages. That'll be quick.”
“Mm. Whatever you like, Pei. I'll eat anything you make.”
“P’Eung, look! They've got oranges too!”
“They're enormous!”
“Shall we buy some? I'll peel one for you. It'll make you feel refreshed.”
I had absolutely no idea how to choose a good orange. I just tried to pick one that wasn't too perfect-looking but wasn't too bruised either. I had this theory that fruit which looked too beautiful probably contained lots of pesticides. That would explain why insects never went near it. And why there weren't any blemishes.
But if an orange looked completely battered, that probably meant it was about to go rotten.
“Is this one any good?”
“Let me see. Ah…”
I had no idea when P’Eung had moved so close. But when I turned to look at the orange in his hand, his face bumped straight into my cheek.
“Oh! It touched Pei's cheek.”
“We'll take this one too.”
“P’Eung! Stop messing around! That one might not even taste nice!”
“It touched Pei's cheek, so it's definitely going to smell lovely and taste delicious.”
“I've been kissing you for years, Pei…”
“I know.”
YOU IDIOT!
Why was he saying things like that in the middle of a supermarket?!
Making my heart pound in front of the bloody orange display!
And why was I getting embarrassed anyway?!
Once we arrived at his flat, I sent P’Eung off to take a shower. Meanwhile, I went into the kitchen, put all the fresh groceries in the fridge and started preparing his food. I'd only eaten a little fried rice earlier. But somehow, the smell of frying sausages made me hungry again. So I decided to cook some for myself too.
“No cabbage soup today?”
P’Eung appeared wearing nothing but a pair of pyjama trousers. He held a small towel and was rubbing his wet hair with it.
“Don't dry your hair so close to Pei! You're getting everything wet!”
“What was that?”
“Argh! P’Eung, go away!”
He was a grown man, for goodness' sake!
Why was he still acting like a child?
Instead of moving away, he deliberately shook his head at me. Little droplets of water sprayed everywhere!
Luckily, he stopped after a moment. He probably still had a headache because he raised his hand and began massaging his temples again.
“Serves you right! Now come and eat properly.”
“Where's all your cabbage gone, then?”
“Pei watched the news earlier. Apparently, cabbage contains lots of pesticide residues…”
“So now I'm scared to eat it.”
“Haah…”
“You could just buy organic cabbage. They sell it at the supermarket.”
“But it's expensive…”
“Then take the card I gave you and buy some.”
“That way, I won't have to worry about you suffering withdrawal symptoms because you haven't eaten cabbage.”
“Or ending up in hospital because you've poisoned yourself eating the ordinary stuff.”
“Pei doesn't need P’Eung's help!”
“I'll grow my own!”
“You know how good I am at gardening!”
“Who do you think you're talking to?”
“I'm the former gardener of the Araya household, you know!”
“I'm not some amateur!”
“Have you got anywhere to grow it, Pei?”
“P’Ein said exactly the same thing!”
“He told me not to bother because it would cost too much.”
“But I only want to grow enough for myself.”
“If I had enough space for a cabbage patch about the size of your balcony, I could probably rotate the crops and grow enough to eat.”
“I wouldn't even need sprinklers.”
“A watering can would be fine.”
“Although I don't know whether I'd need to water them morning and evening or just once a day.”
“I suppose I won't know unless I try.”
“That's why I'm going to start by growing some in pots.”
“You can use my balcony.”
“I'm not doing anything with it anyway.”
“I'm sick of birds coming and shitting everywhere.”
“At least this way, when they shit on the balcony, it'll become fertiliser for your cabbage!”
“P’Eung! Your flat cost so much money!”
“And you want to use it to grow cabbage?!”
“Didn't you want to build a rooftop garden?”
“You even had an architect design one!”
“I never went ahead with it because I didn't have time to look after it.”
“You said you'd water the plants for me, Pei.”
“But then you abandoned me.”
“So I didn't bother continuing with the project.”
“We might as well grow cabbage there instead.”
“It's still a garden.”
“A vegetable garden counts.”
“Pei didn't abandon P’Eung…”
There he went again. Saying that I'd abandoned him. But why did it feel as though he wasn't lying?
When he looked at me, there was a trace of sadness in his eyes. Yet he still smiled. Almost as though he were saying… Never mind. Forget it.
“I couldn't even sleep in this flat after you left.”
“Everything reminded me of you.”
“There were traces of you everywhere.”
“I ended up moving into a hotel near the office just so I could sleep.”
“Then Milan came along.”
“I thought being with him might help me forget you.”
“But it didn't.”
“And then I realised you liked Milan more than you liked me.”
“I couldn't even bear to look at his face anymore.”
“So I broke up with him.”
“P’Eung, I think…”
“I-I think there's been a misunderstanding.”
“Because Pei thought P’Eung had abandoned him too!”
“I cried every day because I thought P’Eung didn't love me anymore.”
“You made me move out.”
“And you hardly ever came home.”
“Do you remember what happened during my third year at university?”
“You disappeared!”
P’Eung frowned. He looked as though he couldn't believe what I was saying. But the more I talked about the past, the more tears began gathering in my eyes. I couldn't help it. I remembered myself sitting up late at night, waiting for P’Eung to come home.
Only for him never to return. I remembered how I'd accidentally discovered Milan's existence when a LINE notification appeared on P’Eung's phone. I'd been so confused and distressed at the time. Even secretly reading those messages had hurt me terribly.
“Pei kept asking himself whether I wasn't good enough.”
“Was that why I couldn't have the same place in P’Eung's life as Milan?”
“Why didn't P’Eung choose Pei?”
“Was it because I'm stupid?”
“Because I'm not good at studying?”
“Because I'm just the son of someone who stole from the Araya family?”
“Because I'm just a gardener?”
“How could someone like me ever compete with an actor?”
“I can't even cook properly.”
“I'm only good at washing and ironing clothes.”
“Because that's all Pei can do…”
“P’Eung must have got bored of me.”
“Hic…”
“How could Pei possibly abandon P’Eung?”
“I love you more than I love my own father!”
“Waaaaah!”
“I even paid my respects to P’Eung on Father's Day!”
“If I abandoned P’Eung, where would I go?”
“I don't have anywhere else to go!”
“P’Eung is the only person I've got!”
“But I never abandoned you, Pei.”
“Milan only came along after you'd already abandoned me.”
“That's not true!”
“P’Eung doesn't love Pei anymore!”
“P’Eung was cruel!”
“You made me move into that flat!”
“A flat where I had to see you every single day!”
“You made me sign a contract saying I owed you three million baht!”
“I couldn't go anywhere for three whole years!”
“I had to work at the same company as you!”
“I had to hear about Milan coming to visit you!”
“And then you transferred me into your department!”
“You made me have dinner with you every month!”
“You kept appearing and disappearing from my life whenever you pleased!”
“Pei was trying so hard to get over you!”
“Does P’Eung think Pei is a cabbage?!”
“Do you think I can't feel hurt?!”
“But even this stupid little cabbage has learnt how to survive without P’Eung!”
“I've got the three and a half million baht to repay my debt now!”
“Once I find somewhere else to live, there won't be anything left between us!”
“Pei won't owe P’Eung anything anymore!”
“I love you, Pei.”
“That's not true!”
“Waaaaah!”
“P’Eung threw Pei away!”
“I love you, Pei.”
P’Eung stood up from his seat. Then he came over and sat down on the floor directly in front of me. He reached out and took both my hands in his. And there I was, crying so hard that my entire body was trembling. Why was he telling me he loved me now?
After everything I'd already been through?
After all the times I'd been hurt?
After I'd spent so long crying and breaking my own heart that I'd finally started to accept things?
“Can you forgive me?”
“Even if it's only because I genuinely believed you never loved me at all?”