In Love With An Idiot

Chapter 1: First Impression

No expectations, no disappointment.

 

To be honest, I was shocked at first. I was young and inexperienced, and I’d somehow forgotten that P’Erng wasn’t going to look after me for the rest of my life. The truth was, I’d allowed myself to hope. But as you can see… I wasn’t the person P’Erng chose.

 

I chose to study Mass Communication at a private university. When P’Erng first took me under his wing, my life was at a major crossroads. Seriously, he was like one of those enormous pillars supporting a motorway, something I could cling to for dear life.

 

My father was a long-serving employee of the Araya family. Unfortunately, he developed a gambling addiction, betting on football matches, and ended up stealing jewellery belonging to Tycoon Achi Araya to sell and pay off his debts. He’d taken advantage of the fact that the tycoon, being a man, rarely paid attention to jewellery and hardly ever returned home.

 

As for my mother, she ran a vegetable stall at the market. Unfortunately, she became addicted to playing cards and participating in informal savings clubs with Auntie Ji, who sold pork at the neighbouring stall. One thing led to another, and she ended up cheating the other members of the savings club. My father’s crime came to light when Tycoon Achi asked P’Erng to retrieve some jewellery to present as a wedding gift to an older relative he respected.

 

Ah, hang on. I’d better explain the relationships within the Araya family first.

 

There were currently only two members of the Araya family: Tycoon Achi Araya, also known as Khun Eurn, and P’Erng, Achitphon Araya. The two brothers were heavily involved in the property industry. However, Tycoon Achi didn’t manage the business full-time. When the previous tycoon and his wife passed away, Khun Eurn was already in his final year of medical school. The person who actually took the leading role in running the family business was P’Erng.

 

I found it rather strange that this family had named their sons Eurn and Erng, but it wasn’t really my place to criticise. Then again, my father looked about as Thai as a person could possibly look, and my mother had only the tiniest trace of Chinese ancestry, yet they’d still been pretentious enough to name me Paopei. Honestly, what was I supposed to say about that?

 

Anyway, after my father stole the diamonds, he ran away immediately. My mother, having cheated her savings club, ran away too. At the time, I was always hanging around with my friends and hardly ever went home. When I finally returned, I discovered that my family had completely fallen apart. To make matters worse, the police were waiting to take me to the station for questioning.

 

Our family had never been particularly warm or close, but I certainly hadn’t expected both my parents to abandon me at the same time. When they each ran away, they probably assumed the other would still be around to look after me.

 

Well, guess what?

 

They were both gone!

 

And there I was, left completely alone.

 

That was the day I met Eurn and Erng for the first time, the two brothers with their almost sing-song matching names. Judging by my shabby appearance, I could tell that both of them had already accepted they wouldn’t be getting a single baht out of me.

 

All I had to my name was twenty baht in my trouser pocket. I still remember gripping that pocket tightly. That was my bus fare home, for crying out loud! I was terrified they might take it.

 

“Just arrest me. There’s no way I can find my father and mother and make them pay their debts. I’ll go to prison myself.”

 

Don’t go thinking I said that to earn sympathy points. Absolutely not. At least in prison, I’d have food to eat. Free meals, free accommodation, and apparently even prisoners could continue their education.

 

I genuinely wasn’t sure how I was supposed to survive alone. The people my mother had cheated in that savings club would probably come threatening me every single day. Running away to face an uncertain future wasn’t exactly like something from an evening television drama.

 

Thai society was bloody obsessed with educational qualifications. I hadn’t even finished secondary school, and I didn’t have any particular talents. I was just an ordinary kid with a fairly cute face, pale skin and a skinny body.

 

“You really don’t know where your father went?”

 

“I don’t know, sir. I honestly don’t.”

 

They questioned me about all sorts of things, but I genuinely didn’t know anything. The police didn’t arrest me, so I picked up my school rucksack and prepared to go home.

 

The aunties who’d been cheated by my mother hurled every insult imaginable at me. I didn’t fight back. What would have been the point? I couldn’t win anyway. It would only have exhausted me.

 

“In that case, you can work off the debt at my house. But if your father contacts you, you must tell me. Otherwise, I’ll report you to the police as an accomplice. P’Eurn, are you all right with that?”

 

“Whatever you think best, Erng.”

 

And just like that, P’Erng handed me my first employment contract. As a gardener.

 

Tycoon Achi had no objections. He wasn’t the sort of person who would try to squeeze money out of someone who had nothing. Of course, they didn’t pay me a single baht in wages, but I got free food and accommodation, so personally, I thought they were the ones losing out. I was still coming out ahead!

 

My responsibilities weren’t particularly complicated. I simply had to tend the plants at the Araya residence, taking over my father’s work. Dad had been a gardener who’d practically grown up in that household, so Tycoon Achi was deeply disappointed that he’d turned out to be dishonest.

 

I was disappointed too. Five million baht’s worth of diamonds had simply vanished into thin air. As the son of the man responsible, I decided to keep my head down, mow the lawns and water the plants diligently.

 

What a wonderful life!

 

Seriously, it was a hundred times better than going to prison.

 

I had absolutely no intention of becoming a crook like my parents. Being a crook sounded exhausting. You had to run away to God knows where, and people would spend their time chasing after you, swearing at you and wishing terrible things upon you. Meanwhile, I could spend my days mowing the lawn, having somewhere to sleep and get food to eat. That suited me perfectly.

 

The tycoon wasn’t a cruel man, either. Although he didn’t give me any money, he allowed me to return to school and continue my education as normal. He was hardly ever at the mansion, though. Actually, that wasn’t quite right. Apart from the household staff, practically nobody lived there at all.

 

The Araya mansion was situated on the outskirts of the city. The tycoon, who had to divide his time between being a doctor and owning a business, and Khun Achitphon, one of the executives of the Araya Group, had both moved into luxurious penthouses and condominiums in the city. No wonder my father had dared to steal something. There was practically nobody watching the house apart from two elderly housekeepers.

 

Once I became the gardener, my greatest challenges were caterpillars and weeds. Still, I discovered that I actually rather liked growing plants.

 

I continued living at the Araya mansion until I graduated from secondary school. However, I couldn’t afford university, so I didn’t bother applying. Instead, I planned to carry on working there indefinitely.

 

Then one day, Auntie Sri, the head housekeeper, took me along to clean the Erng-and-Eurn brothers' penthouses. Strictly speaking, it wasn’t my responsibility. But another male employee had developed diarrhoea, and Auntie Sri didn’t want to bring the younger female housekeepers along, so she dragged me there instead.

 

That was the first time I’d been genuinely amazed.

 

Tycoon Achi and Khun Achitphon lived in a penthouse development directly opposite Chofa Bank. It was the sort of ridiculously luxurious property only billionaires could afford. On one of the highest floors, there were just four apartments. One belonged to Tycoon Achi, and another belonged to Khun Achitphon. Auntie Sri went to clean the tycoon’s apartment while I stood there, utterly bewildered, surrounded by furniture that probably cost more than my entire existence.

 

The apartment even had two floors! Khun Achitphon’s apartment, or Khun Erng’s, was decorated in white and grey. It had a rather sombre atmosphere, which suited him perfectly. The problem was that I had absolutely no idea where to start cleaning. The place was enormous! And all I really knew how to do was plant trees and pull weeds.

 

I considered asking the housekeepers in the tycoon’s apartment for help, but then I realised I’d forgotten the door password. If I went outside, I’d probably end up sitting miserably in the corridor, unable to get back in. So I decided to explore Khun Erng’s apartment and look for a broom.

 

Unfortunately, there wasn’t a single thing that even remotely resembled one. The kitchen was spotless, and there weren’t any dishes waiting to be washed. Downstairs, there was a living room, a kitchen and a study. Maybe the cleaning equipment is upstairs? I climbed the stairs and found three doors.

 

The first room was a library. Apparently, Khun Achitphon enjoyed reading books. The second door was locked, but the third wasn’t. When I opened it, I discovered a bedroom. And inside that bedroom, a shirtless man was pushing himself up from the bed.

 

Although it was daytime, the curtains had been drawn tightly shut, leaving the room completely dark. I pressed the light switch beside the door, only to nearly jump out of my skin when I discovered the apartment's owner staring at me.

 

“S-sorry!”

 

“Who is it? Close the door. You’re letting light in. Turn the lights off too. It hurts my eyes.”

 

Startled by his scolding, I immediately shut myself inside the pitch-black bedroom. The sound of someone moving on the bed made my heart pound.

 

I’m so bloody dead.

 

I came here looking for a broom, and I’ve ended up waking the owner!

 

But bloody hell… did you see that body?

 

“Well? Who are you?”

 

“Paopei, sir… I-I came to clean.”

 

Through the darkness, I could just make out a tall, broad figure approaching me. A large hand reached past my shoulder and flicked the light switch. The entire room lit up again. And there, right in front of me, were six-pack abs and a V-line disappearing beneath the waistband of his trousers.

 

“What are you looking at?”

 

A low chuckle made me hurriedly raise my head. His handsome face, usually framed by neatly swept-back hair, was now surrounded by an unruly mess of bedhead. His eyes looked tired, but they still sparkled with amusement.

 

“…N-nothing, sir.”

 

“So what exactly are you doing here? Why aren’t you at the mansion?”

 

“I-I came to clean, sir.”

 

“Do you know how?”

 

“No, sir. They told me to come along, so I came.”

 

“Then why did you come upstairs?”

 

“I… I couldn’t find a broom. So I came upstairs to look for one.”

 

Khun Achitphon paused, then shook his head and told me to wait there. Of course, I didn’t dare move an inch. I stood as rigid as a tree, watching him disappear through the doorway. A moment later, he returned wearing a bathrobe.

 

Unfortunately, he hadn’t bothered to tie the belt properly. Whenever he moved, the robe fell open, exposing his abdominal muscles and that bloody V-line all over again. For fuck’s sake! How can someone’s body be that good?

 

And here I am, nothing but skin and bones. Does the world really need to rub the difference between us in my face like this?

 

If I can’t be handsome, the least the world could do is make me rich! But no. I’m neither handsome nor rich, and I’m drowning in debt.

 

Bloody hell!

 

Khun Achitphon then introduced me to a vacuum cleaner. It even had interchangeable attachments! It was miles better than any broom I’d ever used.

 

There was also a mop with its own special bucket. When you pressed the mop into the circular compartment, it spun around and squeezed out the water. Just like that, you had a perfectly damp mop.

 

Amazing!

 

I was absolutely delighted with the whole cleaning experience. I’d always wanted to live in a luxurious home like this, and now that I was walking around one, I couldn’t help feeling, entirely in my own imagination, that I was the owner. Khun Achitphon went out shortly after I started cleaning, which only made the place feel even more like my own home.

 

Once I’d finished all my work, I decided to exercise my rights as the imaginary homeowner and stretched out on the carpet in front of the television. Truthfully, I wanted to try lying on the bed or sitting on the sofa, but I didn’t dare. This was already more than enough to make me happy. Even the carpet was unbelievably soft.

 

After working hard all day, lying on such a comfortable floor felt absolutely wonderful. I don’t want to go back to the mansion. I want to sleep right here… The air conditioning is lovely and cool. And the blanket is so soft… Hang on. Why is there a blanket?

 

My body sprang upright automatically. The curtains I’d left open to let the sunshine in were now illuminated by the dim light of evening. A large blanket was draped over me. There was even a pillow. And most importantly… I could smell food.

 

My nose twitched as I followed the delicious smell towards the kitchen. My stomach growled loudly. I really ought to be heading back to the mansion by now.

 

I hurriedly folded the blanket, placed the pillow at the end of the sofa, and tiptoed towards the kitchen. Then I cautiously poked my head around the doorway.

 

There were two or three dishes laid out on the dining table. Just looking at them made my mouth water. What sort of fish is that? I’ve never eaten anything like it before. And what’s that stir-fried dish? Oh! I know the last one! Tom yum goong!

 

“That looks delicious…”

 

“Then eat it.”

 

The voice behind me made me jump. I spun around and found the apartment owner standing there, drying his hair with a towel. He was dressed in comfortable casual clothes. Bloody hell. I’d slept for so long that he’d already come home!

 

“Hehe… I’ll be heading back now, sir.”

 

“How are you getting home?”

 

“With Auntie Sri.”

 

“Auntie Sri went home ages ago.”

 

WHAT?

 

Auntie Sri! How could you do this to me?!

 

I haven’t got a single baht on me!

 

“Th-then I’ll take the bus, sir.”

 

I didn’t even have enough money for the bus. W-would it be all right to borrow twenty baht from Khun Achitphon?

 

“Which bus?”

 

“I-I’m not sure, sir. I’ll ask someone at the bus stop.”

 

“Just stay here. I’ll be going back to the mansion later tonight anyway, so you can come with me. Go and eat something first.”

 

“It’s all right, sir. That’s your food. I’ll just eat when I get home.”

 

“I’ve already eaten. Go on. It would be a shame to waste it. And from now on, call me P’Erng. Calling me Khun Achitphon makes me sound old. Understand? I’m only twenty-seven. How old are you?”

 

“Tw-twenty, sir.”

 

Naturally, I didn’t dare argue with Khun Achitphon. Ah, no. P’Erng.

 

When I stood there looking meek and obedient, he didn’t say anything else. He simply disappeared into his study. That was my opportunity!

 

I hurried into the kitchen, emptied the rice from its bag onto a plate, and eagerly inspected the delicious-looking dishes. Some of the food had already been eaten, just as he’d said. I didn’t mind eating leftovers at all. Bloody hell. I’ve never eaten anything this delicious in my entire life!

 

That orange-looking fish was absolutely incredible. It tasted even better than the fried mackerel my mother used to make. I ate every last scrap of P’Erng’s food, then hurriedly washed the dishes to destroy the evidence. Even his plates looked luxurious. Every single one was made of beautiful white porcelain, and when they were arranged together, they looked absolutely lovely.

 

They were nothing like the free plates I’d collected from instant noodle packets. Normally, if I’d been at the mansion at this time of day, I’d already have had a shower, put on some powder, and settled down to watch the evening television dramas with Auntie Sri and Auntie Phon. But I didn’t dare turn on P’Erng’s enormous television. Besides, it looked far more complicated than simply pressing a button. So I went back and sat quietly beside the sofa, waiting.

 

Unfortunately, once my stomach was full, my eyelids started getting heavy. I picked up the same pillow as before, hugged it to my chest, and lay down to wait for P’Erng to call me when it was time to go home. But P’Erng never called me! I ended up sprawled out on the floor in front of the television again, with the blanket covering my body.

 

The next time I opened my eyes, sunlight was shining straight into my face. Spending the night away from home wasn’t exactly a new experience for me. But what shocked me was that I’d actually fallen asleep in my employer’s apartment!

 

I’d even drooled all over his pillow!

 

And today, I had an appointment with the termite extermination company at nine o’clock! If I missed it, Auntie Sri would definitely give me an earful!

 

The strangely shaped digital clock on the table showed that it was already six in the morning. I was naturally an early riser. But how the hell was I supposed to get home and have a shower?

 

My eyes darted towards the staircase. P’Erng… WAKE UP! FOR FUCK’S SAKE, WAKE UP!

 

Unfortunately, the fierce determination I’d worked myself into began shrivelling away with every step I took up the stairs. How the hell am I supposed to dare wake P’Erng up?

 

But I couldn’t find my way home on my own, either. Perhaps I’d have to speak in the gentlest voice imaginable and make myself look like a miserable, abandoned puppy. I’d probably get scolded once or twice. Then I could squeeze out a few tears and hope he’d take pity on me. I swore that next time, I’d learn exactly which bus I needed to take to get from here to the mansion.

 

Just you wait!

 

I cautiously pushed P’Erng’s bedroom door open. This time, I didn’t dare switch on the light. Instead, I tiptoed towards the bed. The sound of steady, rhythmic breathing told me that I was definitely about to wake a sleeping lion.

 

I slowly extended both hands towards him, trying to decide where I should shake him. I couldn’t see his hands. And if I touched his feet, I was afraid he might kick me. So my hands kept moving forwards and backwards, unable to make up their minds.

 

Maybe I shouldn’t shake him. Maybe I should just call his name first?

 

“P’Erng… P’Erng, si—WAAAH!”

 

With a single powerful tug, I went flying onto the bed. At first, only half my body landed on the mattress, but Khun Achitphon was unbelievably strong. He pulled me again, and suddenly I’d become his personal body pillow.

 

“Want to sleep with me?”

 

His sleepy, deep, husky voice sounded exactly like a lion’s growl. My entire body went rigid. Warm breath brushed against my cheek, and my heart pounded so violently I thought it might burst out of my chest.

 

Dear Mum and Dad, wherever you are, please save your son!

 

I’m about to have my head bitten off!

 

Waaaaah!

 

“N-no, sir!”

 

“Heh… You little liar. Saying one thing when you mean another.”

 

I’m not lying!

 

I really don’t want to sleep with you!

 

I just want you to take me home!

 

“P-P’Erng…”

 

“Mmm… Don’t be naughty, babe.”

 

Babe?

 

What babe?

 

I’m not Babe!

 

I’m Paopei!

 

It’s Pei, P’Erng! The same old Pei! Except this Pei urgently needs to get home to deal with some termites!

 

“P’Erng… um…”

 

“New, will you stop being naughty? I told you to sleep, so go to sleep. Or do I have to hold you before you’ll behave?”

 

My eyes flew wide open as the lion shifted his enormous body and moved over me. He’s awake! Wait, what did he just say?

 

New? Who’s New? Hold me? What do you mean, hold me?!

 

No! No holding!

 

I’m not New!

 

IT’S PEI!

 

“P-P’Erng! It’s me… MMPH!”

 

I’M BEING EATEN ALIVEEEE!

 

HELP MEEEEEE!

 

P’ERNG IS BITING MEEEEEE!

 

WHY ARE YOU BITING MY MOUTH?!

 

“You’re not New?”

 

He’d bitten and kissed my lips so much that they were completely sore. At this point, I could barely feel my mouth any more. What kind of lunatic bites and kisses like that?!

 

They’re human lips, not a piece of pork!

 

He hadn’t given me the slightest opportunity to protest. I tried pushing him away, but he caught my wrists and pinned them above my head. He was ridiculously strong! Well, of course he was. I was only tall enough to reach his shoulders!

 

“I’m Paopei, sir…”

 

“Pei? What Pei? Are you playing some sort of role-playing game with me, New? Hmm?”

 

And then he kissed me all over again. P’Erng really is a bloody lion! My head was spinning. At this rate, I wouldn’t even be surprised if my mouth fell right off my face!

 

“Mmm… I’ll take you home in a bit.”

 

Apparently, "I’ll take you home in a bit" meant he was going straight back to sleep. He fell asleep while holding me tightly in his arms. Every time I tried to move, he made an irritated noise. So I had no choice but to lie there, completely rigid, like a lump of stone.

 

I swear, I’m never going near P’Erng when he’s just woken up ever again. Is he a man or a lion?! He’s terrifying! A serious danger to both my physical and emotional well-being!

 

I’m not safe around this man at all!