The Grim Lover

It's not a feeling that should arise immediately upon waking up; it shouldn't happen every day; it shouldn't happen to anyone at all. But I know many people are facing this cycle. Some have been fighting for years, some are experiencing it for the first time, some are about to break free, while others choose to end it all in that cycle because they no longer have the strength to fight.

 

I don't know which group I belong to. This feeling of depression has been lurking in my heart for quite some time. I don't need to tell you when it started. I only have one "end of the world" day, and that day was the last time I experienced what happiness is. From that day until now, whether I smile, laugh, get frustrated, yell, or feel a surge of determination, the background of my life remains the same emotion. It's the same colour every day, only the colours that paint it vary.

 

Smiling but sad.

 

Laughing but sad.

 

Irritated and sad.

 

Frantic and sad.

 

I want to live, I want to die, and I'm sad.

 

No one would understand if I told them. No one knows this darkness better than I do. No one understands what it's like to live with only a body. No one knows how agonising it is to feel like you're the only person in the world. I love solitude. Yes, I chose to be an anesthesiologist because I didn't want to meet many people. I have only a few close friends. I have a boyfriend who's just as busy with his work. But I've never felt this lonely before. Even though only one piece is missing, I've become an empty vessel without it.

 

I want to fight, but at the same time, it's incredibly difficult because I'm lost. I want to reach my goal, but I don't know how. I have momentary spurts of self-belief, fleeting encouragement. When it's time to be alone again, the deafening silence in my head makes me revert to being a loser. A loser who just wants to give up, to disappear, who doesn't want to solve any more problems. I want to cut off the source of the problem.

 

The root must be cut.

 

Root of the problem.

I am the source.

 

I am the problem.

 

Cut off your hair.

 

dead.

 

Die.

 

"stop"

 

That sounds again.

 

From that day on, even the space in my mind was no longer private. He didn't come around often; he was mostly silent, as if hiding. But he would always emerge when my emotions were overwhelming and about to erupt.

 

"Wake up and get up," Fourteen said, opening the door and coming into the room. He stood in the doorway. I lay still on the bed, staring at the ceiling, letting warm tears stream down my temples, pretending not to hear him. "Won."

 

He called me by my name. It wasn't often that Fourteen called me by my first name directly. Mostly, he called me 'you,' which seemed respectful but also distant. This might be another reason why I felt lonely, even though he was always around.

 

"Mm," I responded weakly, my body remaining still, not moving even my fingertips.

 

"Get up and eat."

 

"Uh... just a moment."

 

"Not for a moment."

 

"Fourteen..."

 

"Let him sleep a little longer, he'll just start thinking nonsense again," Fourteen said, leaning against the door with his arms crossed. I was starting to get used to his expressionless face and cold voice. I knew he wasn't really annoyed; his ability to show emotion was just quite low. But deep down, I still hoped he would smile at me sometimes. "Your thoughts are giving me a headache."

 

"Just hearing about it gives me a headache, so imagine how I feel."

 

Fourteen was silent. I think he probably didn't stop to think or feel any guilt about what he had just said. He simply didn't know what to say, because no matter what came out of his mouth, it wouldn't make me feel any better.

 

"Come eat," he repeated the same sentence again. "I'm going to make my super salty, fish sauce and chilli scrambled eggs."

 

But unbelievably, this time it worked. I didn't feel like dopamine was released in seconds, but it did make me feel more energetic. The familiar name of the menu item... that made the urge to stay in bed all day gradually melt away. I pushed myself up to a sitting position and stared at the Grim Reaper standing with his arms crossed in the doorway, needing confirmation that he wasn't just saying that to lure me out of bed.

 

"Do you know which brand of fish sauce to use?" I asked.

 

"Just a moment," Fourteen replied calmly. "I've already ordered it. Your boyfriend has a clear record of the fish sauce brand, because for this kind of dish, you only ever eat that one brand."

 

After saying that, he just walked away, probably knowing that his method had worked. Fourteen would think I was an idiot who could be subdued with food.

 

Or maybe not. But it's not like that at all. What pulled me out of bed this morning wasn't food at all.

 

"Same, right?" Fourteen asked as I devoured breakfast, as if I hadn't eaten in days. He, meanwhile, did the same as always, simply sitting in the chair opposite me—the chair that used to belong to P'Fah, now Fourteen's, the Grim Reaper who doesn't know how to eat but makes incredibly delicious food.

 

"Exactly the same," I replied, even before I'd finished chewing my food. "Delicious."

 

"Chew thoroughly"

 

“Uh huh.”

 

"You don't eat like a doctor at all," Fourteen watched me eat and sighed. It was obvious he was judging me. "Eating sweets, eating salty food, eating too fast... and you still dare to lecture patients?"

 

"I didn't teach you anything," I replied indifferently to his sarcastic remark, then casually shovelled a large spoonful of hot, runny egg and chopped fresh chilli into my mouth. "I only told you to refrain from eating and drinking, that's all."

 

"Is that all?"

 

"Sometimes we let the nurse speak."

 

"I believe you," Fourteen nodded slightly. I thought he probably wouldn't judge me on this as much as he judges me on my eating habits, because he seemed to be quite the silent type, just like me. But the only reason he speaks these days is to nag me. On days when I'm quiet and not causing any trouble, Fourteen hardly opens his mouth at all. "You've chosen a career that suits you well."

 

"Do you think so?"

 

"In terms of work, I think so," he replied. "But in the medical field, anesthesiologists are often stereotyped as gossipy. If you look at it that way, you might not fit in."

 

I burst out laughing. Fourteen knows a lot about human society, but he likes to talk about it like a GPS chat.

 

"No," I countered playfully. "They like to say that because anesthesiologists often get to overhear surgeons and nurses chatting in the operating room. Another reason is probably that it's a field with a lot of women, so they tend to assume they're all gossiping."

 

"Then that's not good."

 

"Yes, it's not good," I replied, then asked him, "And do you think what he said is true?"

 

"I think women are more intellectually sensitive, they value relationships, and they're more observant. Therefore, they see things that men don't. Men, on the other hand, only perceive things superficially. Let alone other people's affairs, some men barely know anything about their own wives or children."

 

"Are you saying that gossipy people are the ones who care?" I said, chuckling.

 

“It’s not wrong, is it? If you don’t care, what else would you talk about?” I chuckled again. Fourteen said that with innocent eyes. He really meant what he said, but I was so hard-hearted that I thought he was being sarcastic. Seeing this, I think Fourteen is well-suited to playing a deadpan comedian. “But honestly, from what I’ve experienced with souls, there are more talkative men than I thought, and they’re quite annoying because they only talk about themselves.”

 

"So, do you prefer to receive the souls of women or men?"

 

"Hmm..." Fourteen pondered for a moment. It wasn't often I saw him hesitate. Usually, the Grim Reaper answered questions decisively within a fraction of a second. "I think it's a woman."

 

"Why"

 

“Because she is a good listener”

 

"I thought you didn't like to talk."

 

"I don't really like it, but new souls are often scared and confused. My job is to calm them down," the young Grim Reaper explained in a relaxed tone. "I think male souls calm down if I let them talk, but female souls like listening to me speak. I don't like talking, but I prefer it to listening to things I don't want to know."

 

"It sounds like you seem to like women."

 

"What does that mean?"

 

"It means exactly what it says," I shrugged, before taking the last bite of rice. "I like it. It feels good, just like everyone else does."

 

"Like how you feel about your boyfriend?"

 

Hmm...good comparison.

 

"Similar," I nodded. Suddenly, the last bite of rice tasted bitter. "But my relationship with my boyfriend would probably be called 'love' rather than anything else."

 

"Love is deeper than like"

 

"Uh"

 

"You wanted to die with him because you loved him, right?"

 

"yes"

 

"Then maybe it's better not to love at all."

 

"No, love is better."

 

I answered without hesitation, even though I didn't know where the firmness of the answer came from. I hated this moment. I hated knowing every day how much I loved him. I hated telling myself I would never see him again. I'm sure that if I didn't love him so much, I wouldn't be in such agonising pain right now. But I still wanted to choose it, to choose the same path I had already walked, knowing that the destination was the cruellest hell.

 

"Do you understand?" I asked when fourteen just sat there silently. He stared at me and blinked.

 

"I understand"

 

"Really"

 

"Mm-hmm," he nodded. "I understand love."

 

"But you don't look like that at all."

 

"I understand. I just don't feel it." Fourteen's words, "I don't feel it," unsettled me. I've never been someone who sought romantic love. Fah was the first and only person who made me feel that way. And I know there are many others in the world who don't experience love in that way. It's just that because I've connected one person with the word "love," I can't help but feel that empty void in my heart. "Reaper is a friend of death. Reapers don't have deep feelings like love or hate; they're just emptiness. But people who've met Reapers often say they feel sad because humans associate emptiness with sadness. But it's not really."

 

"It just doesn't feel like anything."

 

"yes"

 

"Really sad."

 

"That means you're still human."

 

If that's the case, does it mean death will free me from sadness? Although the emptiness that the fourteenth mentioned is unsettling, for me right now, not feeling anything at all might be the best option. Shouldn't I stop regretting? Why be afraid of never feeling love again, when that's just how it's going to be anyway?

 

"There you go again," Fourteen interrupted the voice in my head. "You really can't stop thinking about death for just a second."

 

"So what's so strange about that?"

 

Fourteen shouldn't even be blaming me for this. He knows best what my number one priority is, but the reason it hasn't been achieved is that he keeps getting in the way.

 

"What are you planning to do today?" Fourteen suddenly changed the subject.

 

"Suicide," "Think of a way to find evidence." Although I didn't understand the purpose of this unexpected question, I answered without thinking, "And the method of killing."

 

"Cancel all"

 

"Ha?"

 

"Let's go outside."

 

Did I hear that right? Fourteen is inviting me out? He usually complains every time I say I'm going out, because firstly, I always seem to be looking for ways to kill myself, and secondly, because of the stares from people around me.

Besides, it often makes me panic, and thirdly, it's risky to be easily found. I'm the only witness who hasn't given a statement to the police yet. They're probably hunting me down like crazy right now. In fact, they could probably already call me a suspect, given the evidence, the motive, and my refusal to give a statement. Isn't this the complete package of a suspect?

 

For all these reasons, why would Fourteen still want to invite me out? Honestly, it would be great if I wanted to run away from him and find a way to die by something out there, but today I'm not in the mood to go out and see the world. I want to stay in my room, curled up in bed, until it's time for the next meal. I don't want to go out and see anyone or anything.

 

"No," Fourteen replied, interrupting the thought in my head. "Let's go outside. You shouldn't stay in your room today."

 

"What's wrong with you?" I frowned, annoyed. "Normally, you complain and don't like me going out, so why are you suddenly inviting me out today? You ghost!"

 

Are you coming in?"

 

"I'm just bored."

 

"Bored?"

 

"Yes."

 

Strange. He must be possessed by a ghost. There's no other reason.

 

"Go take a shower. Let's go outside."

 

Besides cooking food that tastes good to humans, the Grim Reaper can also drive. I only found out today! Fourteen is a pretty good driver. There were many moments where he reminded me of how P'Fah drives, like using Google Maps himself instead of me sitting there alone, choosing routes intelligently, and parallel parking smoothly on the first try. Plus, his driving etiquette is excellent. If he were on a driving test, he'd probably pass with a perfect score on the first try, even though he doesn't actually have a license.

 

Speaking of which, I'm a little worried about letting a Grim Reaper without a driver's license drive me around. What if we get pulled over? Hmm... he'll probably handle that himself. He can do difficult things, like teleporting and levitating. Creating a fake driver's license shouldn't be that hard.

 

"May I put on some music?" I asked, realising the atmosphere was unusually quiet.

 

"You don't need my permission," Fourteen replied softly, his right hand resting on the steering wheel in a relaxed manner. Once they were out of town, there seemed to be nothing to worry about anymore.

 

"Just in case you don't want to listen."

 

"I can hear everything."

 

I don't know if they're really listening to everything or just not paying attention at all, but either way doesn't matter. It's just nice to hear sounds other than the car's air conditioning sometimes.

 

My phone automatically connected to the car via Bluetooth. I opened the streaming app and scrolled through songs I thought would be suitable for a drive to another province. Just scrolling through these familiar song titles made me feel a little excited. Since what happened, I haven't listened to music at all. I only hear the voices in my head, and lately, the voice of "Fourteen" has also become a sound, which, to be honest, isn't very uplifting.

 

"Listen to whatever you want. Do you really need to make snide remarks about other people?" Fourteen said, glancing at me out of the corner of her eye. I didn't defend myself because there was no point. I gossip about him in my head as usual, and he's probably used to it by now. So, a simple smile in return was enough.

 

Finally, the first song I chose was the one we had left playing the last time, "Mister Lover Man." I like to play this song when I drive home. It's a relaxing, easy-to-listen-to song that's easy to sing along to. P'Fah likes this song too.

 

[I headed to that place.]

 

Where alcohol seeps into the body, it seeps into my skin.

 

[Make me look like a fool]

 

The slow melody, the voice so resonant, like a man sincerely recounting his own story, calmed my mind. It calmed me so much that I began to delve into certain feelings I had been trying to suppress.

 

[My legs are shaking. It shook even the thoughts in my head. But who made the door shake like this, creating such a ripple effect? I shattered... into dust.]

 

Those words are speaking to me. Before, I thought I was listening to someone else's story through this song, but now it's not like that anymore. I'm singing. I am the one singing this song. Those feelings are coming from my own mouth.

 

[I am a man full of love. And I miss my lover so much. I am a man whose heart is still full of love. And I miss my loved one so much.]

 

I turned my gaze out the car window, burying my face behind my hands, suppressing the overwhelming, humiliating feeling. Just the thought of the person sitting next to me seeing me about to cry was enough to make me want to disappear into the ground. Please, just hold on a little longer.

 

[I am falling apart... crumbling. But you, too, are losing me...in the same way.

 

I couldn't hold it back any longer; tears silently streamed down my face. The rapidly changing scenery along the road drew me in, making me want to keep up. I couldn't keep up with my own feelings. I wanted it to slow down. My heart was beating slower and slower, and eventually stopped.

 

[My heart shattered into pieces, overflowing. Scattered on the linoleum floor. My mind was spinning, and I was confused. Before finally coming back to you again.]

 

No matter what I do, I can't get this out of my head. I just want to stop thinking about it, just for a moment, to forget that he's not with me anymore, even for a short time. But it's impossible.

 

[What am I going to do now... with a life without you?]

 

It was a really bad decision to choose this song. I should have chosen a fun song to distract myself from my usual overthinking, without having to listen to music at all. In the end, instead of feeling relieved, it's made things worse.

 

The previous song hadn't even finished playing when a new one suddenly started playing, and it was a song I don't normally listen to at all. To say it's an algorithm would be strange; it shouldn't be able to jump across categories like that.

 

[Losing money won't kill you; it's never too late to find it again.]

 

But if I lose her, I'll die, like my heart is shattered. I'll keep thinking of her, wishing she only had me. No happiness can compare; I'd wither away if I were ever abandoned.

 

[Living death, I don't think I can endure this much longer.]

 

I spun around to look at Fourteen. He was still driving, his demeanour relaxed, his gaze fixed on the road ahead, not even glancing at me. But instinctively, I was sure this was his doing.

 

[If we leave each other. Wait a little longer, wait until I die first. I don't care where, how, when, or who I'm going to meet. Don't go today.]

 

This song's lyrics weren't any better than the previous one, but the cheerful melody actually made me laugh. And most importantly, it was probably the person who chose this song. If someone else knew I was secretly crying, they would have chosen a brighter, more uplifting song. But this Grim Reaper chose a song of yearning and fear of losing a lover. The more I listened, the more I felt like I was being sarcastic and mocking, as if he was saying, "If you want to be sad, then be sad like this."

 

Fourteen didn't say anything. No words of comfort, no sympathetic look. He just drove and secretly changed the song on my phone. Whatever his reason to comfort, to mock, or to annoy me, I felt a little grateful he did it. At least he made me laugh.

 

"Sir, I need to pee."

 

I whispered softly to the driver. He glanced at me briefly before looking back at the map on his phone in the dashboard holder.

 

"There's a rest stop in ten minutes," Fourteen said. "Can you hold on?"

 

"I have to," I said, looking out the window. 

"This is a highway; there are no restroom stops along the way, not even a wooded area."

 

 "Are you going to stop for me right here on the highway?"

 

"No, if you really can't hold it, I'll let you pee in the car."

 

"Are you crazy?!" I yelled, turning to look at the Grim Reaper, who still maintained his usual poker face despite having just said something so embarrassing. It seemed he wasn't joking.

 

"Why? There's a water bottle."

 

"So you want me to pee next to you?"

 

"I don't mind."

 

"But I'm holding on!"

 

"Oh..." Fourteen winced, raising his left hand to cover his ear. "My ears are going to burst."

 

"He doesn't need to say that," I muttered. Fourteen likes to speak his mind easily, as if nothing is a big deal to him. The main reason is that he doesn't need to do as many things as humans do.

 

"I haven't eaten anything. What do you want me to take out?"

 

"Have you never eaten anything before?"

 

"never"

 

"So do you want to try it?"

 

"no"

 

"Why? Will I die if I eat it?"

 

"It won't kill you, but it's not essential. Why would you eat it?"

 

Now that I know this, I really want to see him eat. It sounds interesting, doesn't it? Usually, he's the one who cooks for me, watching me eat three times a day without anything touching his mouth. Maybe if he tries it for the first time, he'll get hooked. Then, we can eat together, and I won't have to feel like a mukbang YouTuber anymore.

 

Today, let's train the Grim Reaper to eat food.

 

"Then," he said, noticing I wasn't arguing back as usual. "Why are you so quiet?" he added. "If you're thinking of jumping out of the car, forget it. I've locked it."

 

"I wasn't thinking about it," I frowned, surprised he didn't know what I was thinking. Even though jumping out of the car now might be a good idea, I hadn't thought about it at all.

 

"Really?" Fourteen said. "That's good then."

 

Or maybe having to concentrate on something else makes it harder for him to read my mind. Usually, when he anticipates my thoughts, it's something I'm already thinking. Like just now, he should have accused me of trying to trick him into eating the food, rather than jumping out of the car. Maybe this is a good trick.

 

It took Fourteen exactly ten minutes, as Google Maps said. We stopped at a rest stop. As soon as the car came to a complete stop, I opened the door and rushed straight to the restroom. Fourteen locked the car and will probably follow soon. There's no need to worry about him.

 

I quickly took care of my business. Luckily, the restroom wasn't very crowded at the moment. Or maybe the men's restroom doesn't usually have long queues like the women's anyway. That might be true, but that wasn't important. The important thing is that Fourteen wasn't waiting in front of the restroom, but quite a distance away.

 

Hmm...interesting.

 

It's been a while since I've taken a road trip out of town like this. Even though I didn't plan to go far, it felt better than staying cooped up in my room. Actually, maybe I should thank Fourteen for dragging me out. I thought to myself, trying to visualise the surroundings and the good feeling of being outside, instead of focusing on my actual destination. It required a lot of mental effort to split my thoughts, but I think it might work.

I watched the back of Fourteen, who was standing not far away. I slowly crept out of the restroom and tiptoed behind it, through the parking lot, and a little further on was the street. The path of freedom I've come.

 

Seeing the coast was clear, and there was no sign of the Grim Reaper behind me, I shifted into high gear and ran as fast as I could. I ran into two cars, but luckily they braked in time (I wouldn't mind if they hit me). I was almost at the road. This time, goodbye, Grim Reaper, my second form, it's time for me to really die.

 

"Wow!"

 

While I was ecstatic, running and glancing back to make sure he wasn't following, I turned around only to find a tall, burly figure standing in front of me with his hands in his pockets, blocking my path. And it was too late to brake.

 

wad!

 

Hit it all the way.

 

"Do you really have to run this far to pee?"

 

Damn it!

 

He found out again!

 

I pouted. There was no excuse, because he probably already knew why I had intentionally run out. The Grim Reaper didn't say much more than that. Fourteen grabbed my arm and dragged me back to the car, even though he didn't really need to do that. If he saw me face-to-face like this, I wouldn't be stupid enough to try to escape. He would catch me anyway. Even when I ran ahead of him for a kilometre just now, he still caught me and intercepted me.

 

"How long have you known?" I asked, irritated.

 

"Ever since you ran into the bathroom," Fourteen replied calmly, his hand still gripping my arm. I felt like his young nephew, running around fearlessly (which I really was), the kind of child some parents would almost need to put a leash on like a puppy or kitten.

 

"If you had known then, why didn't you wait in front of the restroom from the start? Then I wouldn't have had to run."

"I saw you wanted to run, so I let you."

 

"It's tiring."

 

"Don't run if you're tired," Fourteen said before opening the door, shoving me into the car, and quickly slamming it shut. The moment he walked around to the driver's side, it would have been a perfect opportunity to open the door and get out again, but he'd catch up to me anyway. At this distance, he wouldn't miss. And I'm really tired right now, so whatever. I'll find another opportunity.

 

There wasn't much for me to do on the way to the rest stop. I couldn't fall asleep. Luckily, Fourteen was kind enough to secretly buy me some crispy dried squid while I was in the restroom (and planning my escape). Now I'm enjoying some delicious squid while listening to Mariah Carey's "Fantasy." At first, I just hummed along because I knew the lyrics by heart, but by the halfway point, I couldn't help but start moving my neck and shoulders to the catchy rhythm.

 

I'm normally not like this. But that's how it is for people who have nothing left in life, isn't it? Do whatever you want. You'll die eventually anyway.

 

Fourteen remained as quiet as ever. He drove carefully, even though the passenger seat had become a mini-concert, and the DJ was having a blast playing Katy Perry's all-time road trip hit, "Teenage Dream." I shouted at the top of my lungs without shame, snapping off a piece of squid and chewing it while singing along—something Fourteen would normally complain about, but today he was quiet. I guess he was too lazy to complain anymore.

 

More songs were blasted in the car. This was completely unexpected, as I'd never done anything like it before. I think the people sitting next to me probably knew. Most of them were hits from the late 90s to 2000s—pop, metal, and old-school hip-hop—and I remember them playing several Bad Bunny songs as well.

 

The Grim Reaper sitting next to me wasn't participating at all, but I was incredibly enjoying singing alone. Time passed quickly, and before I knew it, I was starting to feel the atmosphere of Bang Saen beach.

 

Besides the waves, sea breeze, and sky that made me feel excited, another interesting thing was Fourteen's fingers moving on the steering wheel.

 

The garlands swayed gently to the rhythm of the music, and I was sure I could hear the laughter in my head, even though when I turned to look, he still had the same expressionless face.

 

I've been to Bang Saen many times. It's not my favourite place, but it's a suitable getaway near Bangkok when I'm tired and want to see the sea. Before, Fah often invited me to drive here to eat seafood, watch the sunset, and then go home. Even though it was such an ordinary memory that I had almost forgotten it, the image became clear again when fourteen said he wanted to visit here.

 

To be honest, when I first heard the name of the destination, I didn't want to come at all. I hesitated and whined that I wanted to go somewhere else, but Fourteen insisted firmly that we had to come here.

 

The place is nothing.

 

Memories are different...that are scary.

 

Fourteen chose to take me to a beach not far from Bang Saen. It seemed like a private beach, so quiet that I wasn't sure if we were actually allowed in (but we were). We parked not far from the beach, and after a short walk, we reached it – clean white sand, crystal-clear water like something out of a Photoshop picture. The sea breeze on my face, the salty spray, and the sound of the waves made my heart flutter. Seeing Fourteen standing beside me, gazing at the sea, made it even harder for me to compose myself.

 

It's harder than you think.

 

"Nature therapy," Fourteen said calmly. The sea breeze ruffled his hair, and instead of making him look less attractive, it had the opposite effect. "Give it a try."

 

Fourteen looks even better than he normally does. Moreover, he resembles P'Fah more than ever.

 

"Bringing me here makes me miss my boyfriend even more."

 

"No matter what you do, you're always thinking of your boyfriend."

 

I won't argue. No matter where I am or what I'm doing, I always think of P'Fah. It's unavoidable, since that strange person is inhabiting every fibre of my being. He's in every picture, every sound, in the darkness, in the wind, in the sunlight, in every breath I take. Even if I wanted to escape, I couldn't. Actually, the problem isn't in Bang Saen, but with me. I'm the one who carries him everywhere.

 

"Fourteen," I called out to the person beside me, my gaze fixed on the horizon where the sky met the sea in front of us.

 

"What?" he replied, his gaze following the same direction as mine.

 

"How fast can you run?" I asked. "Without using your Grim Reaper powers, just your legs, how fast can you run?"

 

"Faster than you"

 

"Really"

 

"Uh"

 

"So, can you give me a turn?"

 

"Are you trying to challenge me to a race?"

 

"Maybe," I said, taking off my flip-flops and stepping barefoot on the soft, fine sand. "But we don't have to compete."

 

“How much will it take?”

 

"Five seconds"

 

"I'll give you ten seconds."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"sure"

 

I smiled faintly, looking down at my toes sinking into the sand. I felt lightheaded yet heavy in my heart. I took a deep breath before taking a step and running as fast as I could.

 

ten

 

nine

 

eight

 

Faster than when I was at the rest stop, I feel like I have immense strength now. I'm as light as a feather, ready to float away on the wind, far, far away, and then land somewhere in the middle of the ocean where no one can find me.

 

seven

 

six

 

five

 

My feet touched the water. The wet sand and the mass of water made it difficult to move. My speed decreased, requiring more effort. Seawater splashed up to my chest, but I didn't stop. I ran, ran for my life. The water level was rising, but I wouldn't stop.

 

four

 

three

 

two

 

Of the ten seconds I have, if I have more than fourteen, I will use them wisely. Even if the water is up to my head, I won't stop.

 

one

 

I will sink

 

Sinking... I won't struggle, I won't try. I'll let myself suffer for just a moment... the suffocation. It's agonising, I know, but it won't last forever, especially for someone like me.

 

He's here. The sound of footsteps in the water and the splashing of the waves grew closer. My feet hadn't even floated yet, I hadn't even felt the pain, and he...

 

"I should have given you a fifteen-second head start."

 

Fourteen wrapped his arms around me from behind. His voice whispered in my ear. I could hear his faint gasps, which were strange because I'd never seen him so tired before. But that was proof he kept his promise. Fourteen wasn't using his Grim Reaper powers; he was using only his two legs and the lungs of a little kid to chase after me, just as we'd agreed.

 

I didn't struggle or resist; I just let myself go, letting Fourteen drag me back to the shallow water. He still held me in the same position and walked backwards while I leaned my head against his shoulder, gazing up at the sky. The sunlight was fading, just like me, who should have stopped, but still refused to.

 

"What are you laughing at?" Fourteen asked. I didn't know why I suddenly burst out laughing. "Are you crazy enough to want to die?"

 

"I doubt it."

 

"Or should I just accept death?"

 

I laugh again

 

Did I laugh the most today?

 

"It's fun."

 

"What?" he asked. "Running into the sea?"

 

"Suicide"

 

"You're completely insane," Fourteen said, sounding like he was scolding me. I knew what I said was incredibly immoral. No one enjoys death. No one wants to do these things unless the whole world has pushed them to the brink. Everyone wants a normal life. Everyone wants to be happy.

 

But I have nothing left.

 

Nothing can make me happy anymore.

 

The only thing that excites me is death. Can't I feel it too?

 

"Will you help me for the rest of my life?" I asked Fourteen. We were now standing at a spot where the water level was below Fourteen's chest. As for me, if I were to stand there myself, it would probably be around mid-chest.

 

"Until I find a way to separate your death from my life."

 

"Does that mean if we're not bound together like this, you'll let me die?"

 

"If that's what you want."

 

So that's it. What Fourteen is doing these days is protecting himself. He doesn't want to disappear, so he has to protect me with his life. Even if he doesn't want to, he has to, because my life is his life too.

 

The two of us share death together.

 

"So that's how it is," I drawled, leaning back even more, putting all my weight on the spacecraft until Fourteen had to lean back too.

 

"What are you doing? You should be able to stand on your own by now."

 

"no"

 

"How long will I carry you?"

 

"forever"

 

Boom!

 

After speaking, I turned to face him and pushed the large Grim Reaper with all my might, sending him tumbling backwards. His head sank for a moment, and a few seconds later, Fourteen resurfaced like a nymph. He grabbed me and slammed me down, the water splashing loudly. But of course, I didn't give up. Once I regained my balance, I lunged at him again. This time, Fourteen stumbled but didn't fall, probably because he realised what I was doing and quickly defended himself.

 

"Agh!" I screamed as he lifted me up, holding me tightly. I tried to kick and struggle, but it was of no use. There was no chance for revenge. "Let go! That's cheating!"

 

"Cheating? There are no rules about that!"

"Cheater! You should let me stand!"

 

"Are you standing on your own?" Fourteen stopped and stood still. He raised his eyebrows and looked at my face for a moment. "Okay."

 

Boom!

 

He let me down as if throwing a stone into water. I sank completely before my feet touched the ground, and I finally stood on my own two feet.

 

"You just threw it away whenever you felt like it!" I yelled as soon as I regained my composure. "It's salty!"

 

"It tasted salty when you pushed me."

 

"Do you even know what salty tastes like?"

 

"Of course I know, I have a tongue," the Grim Reaper said, sticking his tongue out at me. It didn't really look like he was showing me his tongue; it looked more like he was deliberately trying to annoy me.

 

"I thought it was just there for show, but couldn't taste anything."

 

"My tongue is more useful than you think."

 

"Look for?"

 

guard!

 

The conversation ended there, because after that came the second big fight. We fought fiercely, fearless of death. The water splashed, we dived and swam, swallowing saltwater. I pushed and jumped onto his back, while Fourteen threw me around like a wrestler. Two or three groups of people passing by looked at us worriedly, as if afraid we were actually getting along. But a few seconds later, they sighed in relief and walked away, hearing Fourteen's loud laughter.

 

It took quite a while for the fight to subside, and in the end, it was unclear who won or lost. The only thing clear was that we were both soaking wet from head to toe; not a single spot was dry. Our bodies were covered in sand like sand humans. We were both exhausted. The first five minutes back on land, our legs were both weak. This was my biggest workout in months!

"I'm thirsty," I grumbled as we dragged ourselves up from the beach. "I want a Pepsi."

 

"There's a shop over there," Fourteen pointed ahead. I don't know how he knew where everything was, but I was too tired to question him at the moment, so I just followed him.

 

And just as the fourteenth said, it was only a three-minute walk to a small shop right by the road in front of the beach. Inside, they sold snacks, drinks, a few essential items, and some trinkets.

 

"Pepsi?"

 

Fourteen turned to me again to confirm. When I nodded in response, he walked straight into the refrigerated section inside the store, while I waited outside. I was a little hesitant to bother the owner; we were both soaking wet, and if we both went in, we'd probably mess up the floor. It was better to let Fourteen go in alone; at least it would be less of a mess.

 

While waiting for Fourteen in the Shopping Mall, I stood looking around. The sun had just set, and the beach lights were starting to come on, creating a completely different atmosphere from Don Mali. It's a shame we were so engrossed in playing that we didn't get a chance to stop and watch the sunset.

 

Besides the sounds of waves, wind, and distant birdsong, there's now the sound of an old television set left playing the news in front of the shop. I'm not sure who it's intended for—customers, or passersby?

 

[Stay tuned for more updates on the mysterious death of a surgeon from a renowned hospital. Early this morning, someone discovered the body of Dr Kloyjai Jitpaisan, a female doctor, deceased in her home.]

 

My suspicions about the TV vanished instantly, replaced by a sudden, rapid heartbeat. My throat went dry, my palms turned ice-cold and trembled within seconds. My eyes widened, staring at the old TV screen in front of the grocery store as if a monster were crawling out of my sight.

 

[Initially, the police have not concluded whether it was an accident or a murder. The deceased had an injury to the back of the head, consistent with a violent impact to the edge of a counter, resulting in a fractured skull and significant blood loss. It's possible it was an accidental fall. However, some experts have stated that an accident is impossible given the size of the wound and extensive skull damage; it looks more like a push or impact than a fall. Nevertheless, we must await forensic evidence to determine the exact cause of death, as we currently don't know who was in the vicinity of the deceased's home at the time of the incident.]

 

What kind of crazy thing is this?

 

Isn't my life miserable enough already?

 

"you"

 

Why? Why is it like this?

 

Again? Me again?

 

"Won."

 

"No...no," I mumbled incoherently. I was trembling, my whole body shaking. A lump in my chest tightened, making it hard to breathe, and my ears went deaf. I didn't know what to do. This was terrifying, so terrifying. I was going to die, die now. No one could help me. I had to die. "No...I didn't do it...I didn't do it...no..."

 

"Calm down," Won, Fourteen, grabbed me, trying to shield me from the shop owner and passersby. "Won, compose yourself."

 

"No, Won didn't do it, P'Fah. Won didn't do anything. Please! Please! Believe Won...believe Won!"

 

After that, I lost consciousness. All I felt was fear—a fear that was consuming me alive, crushing my bones, torturing me, making me die the most agonising death, and preventing anyone from helping me.

 

Even P'Fah can't help me anymore.