The Grim Lover

I saw extreme fear in his eyes. The answer had been blurry until I saw his face with my own eyes. His hand tried to reach me, but couldn't. Suddenly, it was as if we were in different dimensions. His hands trembled uncontrollably; he tried to hold them together, hoping to stop the shaking, but to no avail. To be honest, even if his hands stopped shaking at that moment, it wouldn't help anymore.

 

"Won..."

 

He can no longer escape his own lies.

 

"What were you thinking, Chieng? I'm serious," I asked, my disappointment swirling in my head. Finally, I could let my true feelings out after trying to maintain a facade of ignorance for so long. "You lied about everything, and you're still sitting here pretending to be my friend without feeling anything? How could you do that?"

 

"Won...listen to me first," Chieng stammered, trying to grab my cell phone, but luckily, I was quicker and snatched it back.

 

"I didn't mean to throw this at you, I swear. I didn't intend to leave it there. I didn't even realise where it went. I didn't know it would end up in the car."

 

"Should I believe your oath?" I said calmly. I hated this moment the most. I didn't want to know, I didn't want to face anything, but God gave me no choice. "If you've deceived me this much, I don't think you should be afraid of the oath anymore."

 

"No, Won, it's not like that." Fear transformed Chieng, making him seem like a different person. From the charming young doctor, all I saw in front of me was a coward with blood on his hands. "I admit I lied. The last time I saw Gloy wasn't two days ago. I did see her that night, but..."

 

"I don't dare tell them... I'm scared."

 

"Weren't you scared while you were doing it?" I retorted. "Were you only afraid of getting caught?"

 

"I didn't do anything!"

 

"Enough, Chieng," my voice rose with disgust. Just knowing that the friend I'd been drinking, eating, and discussing my life problems with all this time was actually a murderer was enough to make me want to vomit. Why did I have to listen to his shameless excuses? "It's come to this, just end it. I'm tired."

 

"No! I didn't do it!" Chieng insisted vehemently. He stood up and paced back and forth behind the counter like a madman until he finally stopped.

 

"No, 'I did see her that night, but I didn't kill her. I didn't even go to her house. We just sat and talked in the car in the hospital parking lot."

 

I think this is probably another story he made up to trick me. He's really too much, even though he's not mentally stable. He struggled with all his might. I firmly believe he was truly terrified of the consequences.

 

"That night I was on duty in the ER. You saw it, right? In the picture I showed you, that's me sitting in the ER, and Gloy was still in the OR. I finished my shift at noon, so I texted her. Gloy finished surgery right at midnight. I asked if I could talk to her, but Gloy kept trying to avoid me. She said she had a consultation with another department and wasn't coming back yet. But I really wanted to see her, so I told her, 'Okay, then I'll go home.' But actually, I didn't go home yet..."

 

"I wait for her at the car."

 

It's really difficult to believe what comes out of his mouth after starting to piece together the whole story from the evidence. I didn't argue back, but chose to sit quietly and listen to the story he was trying to concoct to survive this crisis. Because perhaps in that last desperate attempt, he might be being too stubborn and ultimately fail.

 

"Then it was quiet for a very long time, so long that I started to get fed up and decided to go home. But just as I was about to leave, she arrived, around 1:30 AM."

 

"I knew she didn't want to see me, but she couldn't escape anymore. So she said, 'Okay, let's settle everything here.' I said okay, and we got in the car to talk, and it was the same old story—we argued. I tried really hard to apologise, but no matter what I said, she wouldn't change her mind. Then she cursed at me, saying she never loved me, never felt anything for me, and kicked me out of the car."

 

Chieng's face showed great pain as he recounted this, as if it were a real event. No, it might actually have happened. The fact that he could describe it so vividly was probably because it was true. He did get into Gloy's car; they did argue, and Gloy did kick Chieng out.

 

"Then she just drove away. I was so angry and heartbroken, but I couldn't do anything. I really wanted to reconcile with her, but I had my pride."

 

But that doesn't mean he won't follow Gloy home.

 

"That night, I just drove home. I didn't go on with her any further, and we didn't talk again until the next morning when the surgical staff came to ask about her."

 

He said Gloy didn't come to work and that he couldn't contact her. I thought it was very strange. So at noon, I drove to her house, and then... well, you know what happened."

 

What should I do? Even if Chieng's account was a fabricated story, it's undeniable that it was a logical and believable piece of fiction. It could have happened, and didn't seem unusual. Not exactly, but what makes him suspicious is his concealment of the truth from the beginning, and the matter of the pen falling into Gloy's car. It might seem like a small thing, but I think it's an incredibly strange coincidence, because lately I've hardly seen Chieng using that pen at all. He said he was afraid of losing it, so he kept it at home. But then, suddenly, he used it on the night Gloy died, and then coincidentally dropped it in the car. Coincidences can happen. But intentional acts disguised as coincidences happen just as often.

 

"You have to believe me, Won," Chieng walked around the bar to me. He grabbed my hand, giving me a pleading, pitiful look, like a victim. My situation is no different: "I love Gloy so much, I would never do something like that."

 

If this were a performance, it would be spectacular. Chieng performed flawlessly, to the point where my overflowing confidence began to dwindle.

 

"And most importantly, you're my friend, Won. We've been together for so long. Don't you know what kind of person I am?" 

 

Honestly, if it were before, I'd want to say I knew, but after all this bullshit, I'm not so sure anymore. What else could it be? I don't know anything about my friends, neither Gloy nor Chieng. Even now, I still don't understand what went wrong, why there are so many flaws in our relationship.

 

"I would never falsely accuse you. I knew you were the most suspect from the start. Would I dare sit here with my head held high if I were the one who actually did it? I wouldn't."

 

"I would never do that to you. I was even helping you. Don't forget, if I hadn't kept Gloy's phone, you would have been suspected even more."

 

Is that so? Should I believe him? Can I still believe that our friendship is genuine?

 

"Won...it's not really me," Chieng said softly. He gently shook my wrist when he saw that I was just sitting there silently, not saying anything. "I know that you're stressed out, but shouldn't we avoid doubting each other? I've never doubted you. I believed from the start that you would never do something like this. I want you to believe me, too."

 

Chieng's eyes looked so sincere that I started to feel guilty. It was true that he never suspected me, no matter what others thought about my motives. Clearly, I argued with Gloy that night and left the hospital shortly before her. But Chieng never even questioned me. He only tried to encourage me to fight, to have faith, and he always showed concern for me.

 

Or maybe the really bad friend is me. I, who am only interested in my own life, overlook my friends. Is it me who abandoned them because I had everything I needed and didn't need to care about anyone else? And it was I again who chose to trust my own judgment rather than trust my friends who had been by my side for so long. Am I a bad friend? It wasn't them.

 

"So, who do you think it is?" I didn't say whether I believed him or not, because honestly, right now I don't trust anyone, not even myself. But if Chieng insisted that everything he said was true, I thought he must have some information that I didn't know. "If you've been with Gloy for a long time, you should know her best, right?"

 

Chieng's face showed discomfort again, but I don't think that kind of attitude made him look any more innocent. I wanted to trust him the way he trusted me, but our situations were different. I was the one who had been deceived all along. So it's probably not surprising if I want something more than just, "You have to believe me."

 

"The situation at home...you know, right?" 

 

This time it was even worse. Chieng wasn't just uncomfortable; he looked terrified when I mentioned his family.

 

"If you said you'd help, I think you should talk about this."

 

Chieng hesitated until the last minute, and I don't know whether it was because of our friendship or because I pressured him so much, but in the end, he chose to open up to me.

 

"I didn't know from the start either. She only really told me about two years ago," Chieng said before settling down on the bar stool next to me. "All this time, I understood it the same way you did. Her parents are doctors, retired, living in the provinces, only visiting Bangkok occasionally. I believed that and didn't suspect anything."

 

"Aren't you going to ask how I knew?"

 

"No, I believe you'll find out soon enough," Chieng replied. He sighed again. It seemed this burden would never end easily. "One day, the older brother would have told you."

 

It's true, I'm not wrong. They really did meet, just like the eldest brother said.

 

"How do you know Big Brother?"

 

"How long has it been?"

 

"He works for Gloy's father. I happened to meet him when I went to his parents' house. Gloy told me that this person is her father's lawyer and also Fah's older brother."

 

"About a year ago."

 

These things have been happening for a long time, but I never knew anything about them. It's unbelievable. No one thought to tell me. And what about P'Fah? Did he know about this, too?

 

"Why does Gloy have to keep things from her family a secret? I don't understand."

 

"Actually, Gloy wouldn't want me to tell. If she were a ghost, she'd probably have warped here to silence me by now. But since it's come to this... well, go ahead."

"Come on," Chieng  took a deep breath before continuing, "Gloy is indeed the daughter of the wealthy businessman, but she has a different mother than her older and younger brothers."

 

"Different mothers mean..."

 

"They were not legally married, so you could call her his mistress."

 

God

Where will all of this end?

 

“Gloy’s father already had one child with his first wife, the eldest brother, and then he met Mother Gloy. He had Gloy unintentionally. He couldn't bring himself to abandon her."

 

"It was because he was afraid that if Mae Kloi publicised this, his reputation would be ruined. But if he were to reveal that she was the child of another wife, his first wife wouldn't agree. So, he allowed Gloy to be considered as another child of the first wife, essentially having her name in the family history and giving her shares, but he didn't want her to be too prominent for fear of people digging into her past later."

 

"Actually, Gloy is okay with this situation because she's not exactly on good terms with her family. Her stepmother is as cruel as she seems."

 

"It's a drama, but it clearly distinguishes whose child it is, their child and who is someone else's. Especially since it's a girl, a typical Thai-Chinese family... You can imagine how crazy it gets."

 

I nodded in agreement, easily picturing what "Thai-style Chinese" meant.

 

"He's always forced her, manipulating everything. At first, she wasn't even going to study medicine because her stepmother said that if she became a doctor, it would be difficult to get married. She suggests Gloy study something less demanding, then get married and move out of the house, something like that."

 

"Wait a minute, what about his real mother?"

 

"Oh... I'm so ashamed," Chieng said with a very dejected expression. "Ever since Gloy was in elementary school, she heard her mother was sick, but she never said what was wrong. She said her mother started getting sick, so her father had her come live with them in the big house. She died not long after. The person who mainly raised her was her stepmother."

 

If I hadn't investigated this beforehand, I would have thought this was some kind of soap opera. But then again, sometimes the truth is even more unpredictable. Dramas and big news stories that we've heard since childhood are all about things like this—stories that make you gasp in disbelief, and then you can't stop following the news. Because it's even more interesting than the dramas on screen.

 

"Since Gloy’s stepmother was in charge, Gloy had to do whatever she was told. As I said, Gloy almost didn't study medicine, but that's just her style."

 

"She fought hard because she believed that becoming a doctor was the only way to make her stepmother let her go. The stepmother seemed to want her eldest child to be a doctor, but that one failed the entrance exam. So, Gloy thought, 'Maybe my mother prefers doctors because they're prestigious and stable,' as older people tend to think. So, she chose to study medicine, believing that if she pursued a profession that she respected and could support herself, she wouldn't bother her anymore."

 

"So that means the main problem is the stepmother, right?"

 

"It seems that way, but Gloy doesn't seem to hate her as much as she hates her father. With her stepmother, she just complains and secretly badmouths her, but with her father, it's a complete rift. She hates him intensely. She often says things like her father oppresses everyone and is so selfish that sometimes she even feels sorry for her stepmother. It's like her father is a jerk to everyone – her mother, her stepmother, and herself."

 

Hearing this, I began to understand why Gloy didn't want to get married. She's like Fah, forced to grow up with someone unworthy of being a father. He hurt her and destroyed her faith, just like Fah’d did. It's the same reason Fah didn't want children – because he didn't believe in fatherhood. Gloy's situation might be even more complicated because she's a woman. She witnessed certain actions repeated toward those around her and toward herself. That man hurt her mother, her stepmother, her, and every woman.

 

It's unbelievable that Chieng knew about this, a woman who has no voice because she's dependent on a man like him, yet he still doesn't understand why Gloy doesn't want to get married.

 

"I'm not saying what Gloy did was right, but I think from her perspective, she probably didn't want to make a mistake, because just one mistake could cost her the freedom she's been trying to cultivate all along. Whenever her father sees her struggling, he'll lend a helping hand, and that help will become an obligation, ultimately dragging her back into the same cycle."

 

"So how does this relate to my older brother? He just went to work for Father Gloy, didn't he?" “Yes, he went to work for Father Gloy, and he did a very good job. Father Gloy likes him a lot, so much so that he thinks he would be great if he became his son-in-law."

 

"Ha?"

 

I cried out, trying to stare at his face expectantly, hoping he would reveal that what he had just said was a joke, but I was disappointed. His expression was too serious to deny that this was a joke. What the hell is going on?

 

"That's impossible," I argued firmly. "My older brother is married and has children."

 

"I don't know," Chieng shook his head helplessly. "From what I've heard, it seems he's single right now."

 

"Single... Are you crazy?"

 

I still can't believe it. Even though my older brother and Kate, Benny's mother, aren't together, as far as I know, their relationship has always been smooth. Kate manages the family business, which is Canadian, so she needs to live abroad most of the time, but she flies back to Thailand regularly. Benny and my older brother also travel to Canada frequently. Just a few months ago, I heard my Kate saying that my older brother wanted a second child. And now...

 

"So... you suspect Big Brother, huh?" I asked, a turmoil of fear gripping my chest. It wouldn't be so scary if what Chieng said didn't align with my own suspicions. From the day I stayed overnight at Big Brother's house until this very moment, I've been trying to find a connection between them, but I haven't found anything. Perhaps the reason I haven't found anything is that it's something so unexpected.

 

"To be honest, yes," Chieng said softly, as if afraid someone else might overhear. "Because Gloy's father seems to be trying to set her up with someone."

"As for the older brother, he doesn't seem to have any objections. It's only Gloy's side that's against it. She told me he's absolutely not going to marry P’Yai. She was going to find a way to handle it, but I don't know how she did. I only know about it because she told me; I have no evidence whatsoever. Besides, P’Yai is a lawyer, so what can I say?"

 

"Then if Big Brother really wanted to marry Gloy, why would he kill her?"

 

Chieng slowly shook his head, looking away as if he wanted to avoid the question. But because I showed no sign of letting him go easily, in the end...So he agreed to answer.

 

"Marriage between ordinary people and rich people is not the same," he answered simply. And suddenly, I felt like the wind was about to change direction again. This wave of the slanted hand gave me an indescribable feeling. He watched me as if he didn't want me to leave, while I felt like I didn't want him to. I should have stayed here longer.

 

I pushed open the small gate by the fence, then pushed it back shut. I was only a couple of steps from my car, but instead of opening it...As I got into the car, my eyes happened to catch sight of someone who shouldn't have been there at this time.

 

"Why are you here?" I asked, confused.

 

"Let's drive."

 

Fourteen replied in a flat tone, his cold gaze sweeping from head to toe before returning to my face. We stared at each other silently for a moment. About five seconds later, he opened the driver's seat and got in, even though I hadn't unlocked the door for him yet. What's wrong with him?

 

Although I'm still a bit confused, I didn't really question the Grim Reaper much. If I had to guess, I think Fourteen probably wouldn't want to.

 

I think I drove while still having had a few drinks, even though I'd had a lot and talked to Chieng until I sobered up. But it's not surprising that someone who's more afraid of me dying than anything else would suddenly show up and drive me around, is it?

 

Throughout the journey, Fourteen didn't ask anything, even though I was sure he was aware of everything I'd discussed with Chieng. Actually, I was grateful he chose to do that, because I myself was still struggling to piece things together in my head. There was so much information, and I didn't even know what was true. I'm so tired. If P'Fah were here...what would he do?

 

I leaned back in my seat, gazing out the car window. The soft music Fourteen had been playing the entire way made me feel both warmth and loneliness. I look at the shops along the road, the people walking on the sidewalk, and the billboards crammed together in the city. Everything is the same. I've seen all these scenes before. I've absorbed everything until I start to feel overwhelmed. It would be good if I didn't have to know anything anymore.

 

Our car was stopped at a red light at a major intersection. Even though it was late, the roads were still congested. We'd have to wait a while longer for the light on our side to turn green. While waiting, my eyes fell on a large LED screen in front of a famous department store. 

 

The screen was showing images of a Thai-Japanese actress in various poses – sitting, standing, turning left or right, with a serious expression or a wide smile – she was undeniably beautiful. But that's not the main point. For me, the image that almost took my breath away was the completely black screen that appeared at the end of the commercial. In the centre of the screen was a character...Plain white letters spell out the following sentence: Art lives on. - Rafah

 

The screen remained frozen for no more than five seconds before turning off and switching to a new advertisement. That was... P'Fah's event.

 

My tears flowed silently. They were incredibly sensitive, yet powerful at the same time, as if I had spoken to him in less than a minute. That commercial break, without even a glimpse of his face, made me feel like he was still alive. Even though he wasn't with me, he hadn't disappeared; he was still lingering nearby, watching over me with the love and care he always had.

 

"You," I said softly, my gaze still fixed outside. Even though I knew Fourteen knew everything going on in my head, I still didn't want him to see my tears.

 

"Will P'Fah be reborn as a human again?"

 

Fourteen didn't answer. Perhaps my question was too silly. Perhaps he didn't want to give me unnecessary hope. Or perhaps... the answer is already obvious.

"Let's find out about that later."

 

So that's how it is. That means it's not the right time for me to know yet, right?

 

"Then let's change the question."

 

"What?"

 

"Will P'Fah and I ever meet again?"

 

Three seconds of silence felt like an eternity, and if that's the case, I think it might be an eternity I'm willing to wait for.

 

"You'll definitely meet him."

 

That's enough to make me happy. There's no need for lengthy explanations. This is all I want to know: If Fourteen says I'll meet P'Fah, then that's all I need to know. I will see Fah eventually. Maybe not now, today, or tomorrow, but we will definitely meet again.

 

The next morning, I was woken by my cell phone vibrating, so I reached over to find the source of the annoyance while the bed was still off. I swept my hand everywhere but still couldn't find it, and I was starting to get frustrated.

 

Whoosh!

But before I could even open my eyes, that flat, rectangular device had appeared in my hand like a puppy jumping on its owner. I picked it up, bewildered, before the bedroom door opened. Fourteen walked in with a cup of tea. He took a sip and looked around. My face showed suspicion that I hadn't answered the phone; it must have been his doing.

 

"Hello..." I answered the call in a languid voice, slumping back down onto the bed. But in a split second, I had to spring back up. He arrived with a heart beating faster than before. "Y-yes...sir?"

 

The gist of what the person on the other end of the line said was that the first thing I have to do after waking up isn't to shower, wash my face, or brush my teeth. Then we had breakfast, but it was like receiving new misfortunes to burden ourselves with. I pushed open the door and entered the police station, which has now almost become my second home. There weren't any reporters waiting for me. It was quite sudden and unexpected today, even though I don't understand why I was called in for this reason.

 

"There he is."

 

I blinked, staring at the scene before me in confusion. I felt like a parent being called in by the police. I came to the police station because my mischievous son got into a fight with a friend from another school, or something like that. However, there's one slight difference: my son is five years older than me.

 

"Oh! Won!"

 

"Brother Oscar." I walked over to Oscar, who was sitting with Captain Chaka, who looked dishevelled and nothing like the dapper police officer I usually remembered. Mine was, "What happened?"

 

"Nothing," Oscar said seriously, before turning to give a frustrated look to the captain sitting opposite him. "We told him no."

 

"I had to call him, but he wouldn't listen."

 

"Go," Captain Chada replied listlessly. He looked exhausted both physically and mentally, as if he had been through a major battle all day, even though it was only nine o'clock in the morning.

 

"Order?"

 

"Then why are you trying to chase me away? If you had just followed my instructions from the beginning, it would have been over."

 

"It means I'm asking for something."

 

"You have a very unusual way of making requests."

 

I stood watching my boyfriend's friend and the police officer argue back and forth like playmates, completely bewildered. How did those two become so close? Since when? Or were they friends before? That doesn't seem likely. They seem to be in completely different circles. A poker-faced model and a (super) neat police officer. I think they must be close for some really strange reason.

 

"Uh...what's the problem?" I turned to ask the captain instead, thinking that asking Oscar wouldn't get me anywhere.

 

"Your friend is causing a disturbance at the police station."

 

"Disrupting?!" Oscar retorted immediately, his voice rising, his face showing obvious displeasure. "I wasn't disrupting anything."

 

"You're disturbing me. You're interrupting my work."

 

"My case is your responsibility, too. Have you ever heard of a police station for the people? I'm a citizen like you."

 

"Citizens who disrupt the work of officials."

 

"Hoy-"

 

"Brother Oscar..." I pulled Oscar's arm as he started yelling louder and louder, attracting others' attention. I turned to Fourteen, who was standing silently beside him, for help, but only saw a blank expression. Didn't he intend to help at all? Why was he just standing there getting in the way? "Calm down. Everyone's looking."

 

"It's good to see this. Now people will know that the police aren't helping the public."

 

"I'm starting to not consider you one of my citizens anymore," the lieutenant said to Oscar resignedly, before turning to me instead. "Your friend has been here several times, bothering me to help dismantle Mr Fah's car again for inspection. I've told him repeatedly that if he wants the investigation to continue, either he or his parents has to be the one to file the complaint, but he refuses to listen."

 

Captain Chada's account answered many questions in my mind, but it also raised many new ones. The investigation into P'Fah's accident is still pending because I'm not ready to proceed, or to put it simply, I can't bring myself to do it. Normally, after an accident in which the driver or owner of the vehicle dies, the vehicle would pass to the rightful heirs. In P'Fah's case, that would be his parents, since we weren't married. However, because the car was beyond repair and could only be sold to a scrap metal dealer, his parents weren't interested. Therefore, they've given me power of attorney to handle it (basically, to dispose of it).

 

Because there was initially ambiguity about the cause of the accident, Oscar asked me to keep the wreckage for now. And if the investigation is ongoing, that piece of trash is in police custody. Besides, I think maybe because P'Fah is a celebrity, they're being particularly strict with that piece of garbage. As for me, I never intended to care about it from the start because I just couldn't bear to look at it. 

 

That's why P'Fah's accident case remains unresolved, while the other party's body has probably already been cremated, and their soul has moved on. To be honest, even if that kid was definitely under the influence of drugs. Up until now, nothing can be verified.

 

"Then I'll talk to him myself," I said politely to the captain, bowing slightly. 

 

"Thank you very much, and I apologise." 

 

"Glad to help," the policeman replied with an equally polite smile, but only a few seconds later, his stern expression returned. 

 

"And also...There's no need to apologise. The person who should be apologising hasn't even said it yet."

 

It was obvious who was being referred to, and the person being reprimanded was even making fun of it without any remorse. It was unbelievable. After apologising, I told Oscar to drive me to my condo. He hesitated, as if he didn't want to come. He was afraid of being interrogated by me, but he eventually gave in because Fourteen told him, "Just do what I tell you." The stern voice, the poker face, and Oscar's delusional belief that Fourteen was a mafia member in disguise made him afraid to disobey. That's when I started to think that Fourteen's intimidating nature might actually be useful.

 

"Why do you want us to investigate the matter of P'Fah's car right now?" I asked him directly. Oscar looked visibly troubled. Clearly, that only made me more curious. 

 

"Is something wrong?"

 

"No," Oscar replied, glancing nervously at Fourteen, who was sitting next to me, reading comics. "I just thought we shouldn't leave it like that."

 

"It's been a long time; it's been bothering me."

 

"lie"

 

That wasn't my voice; Fourteen was speaking. He spoke in a serious tone, even though his eyes remained fixed on the Detective Conan manga.

 

"How did you know?" Oscar tried to argue with Fourteen, even though it was obvious he was going to lose.

 

"Just so you know."

 

"Random-"

 

"Brother Os," I interrupted before another fight broke out. I didn't want to be the referee for anyone this morning. "Just tell me what's wrong, Won."

 

"It's about P'Fah. Won has to know somehow. And if there's anything I can do to help, I'll do it. That way, you won't have to try so hard alone like this."

 

"But you already have your own things to deal with," Oscar said softly. He seemed quite guilty about what happened at the police station. That stubborn guy wouldn't apologise to Captain Chada, but kept apologising to me over and over. 

 

"And we know it's very difficult for you. If you're not ready, we don't want to force you to know about these things. We want to handle it ourselves first, to be sure, before telling you. Because if our assumptions are wrong, it will only stress you out unnecessarily, especially since you're not feeling well right now..."

 

Even though he sometimes acted rashly, I could feel his sincerity. Oscar always cared about me; he was so good to me that I feel guilty for not appreciating his concern as much as I should have.

 

"Thank you for worrying about me, Won," I placed my hand on his, giving him a slight smile to let him know he didn't need to worry about me. That's a lot, "But right now, if there's anything I don't know, I want you to tell me."

 

"But…You said you were thinking about something. Can you tell me what it is?" 

 

There was a trace of fear in his eyes. I felt like a storm was brewing in the gaze of the man in front of me. The more I saw that, the more certain I was that it wasn't just a random thought that popped into my head. It might not even be a hypothesis, but a reality that even Oscar himself is reluctant to admit.

"If I tell you... Promise me you'll stay calm."

 

"Okay, promise me."

 

I strode into the familiar house without even ringing the doorbell. I had Fourteen use his powers to unlock the lock. They broke through the gate without regard for manners or the law. At this point, if I'm going to go to jail, so be it. I don't care anymore.

 

"Big Brother!" I called out to the homeowner as soon as I entered the house. A few moments later, the man I'd called emerged from the kitchen. His face looked quite confusing that I suddenly appeared without warning.

 

"Won," he called my name. I'd heard it thousands of times, but this was the first time I felt like throwing up. "What's wrong?"

nothing"

 

Before I could answer his question, little Benny ran down from the second floor. His eyes widened with excitement when he saw me and Fourteen. I'm happy to have met him, but now isn't the time for us to hug.

 

"Could you please look after Benny?" I turned to Fourteen and said. He nodded without asking any further questions. Fourteen immediately went and picked up Benny.

 

"Go, Benny, go with Uncle first."

 

The little nephew smiled broadly with delight, while the older brother looked very displeased that Fourteen had suddenly picked up his son.

 

"Hey, where are you taking Benny?"

 

"Taking him upstairs to play," Fourteen replied simply, then picked up Benny and carried him upstairs to the second floor. The eldest brother continued to watch his son until he was out of sight. It was clear he didn't trust Fourteen, even though Fourteen had looked after Benny in his place before.

 

"Don't worry, he won't do anything to Benny," I said.

 

"What is this, Won? Why did you suddenly come in without telling me first?"

 

pop!

I couldn't even bear to listen to him finish his sentence. Just him turning to look at me, his face filled with worry, speaking as if he were the victim being attacked... just seeing it made my anger flare up uncontrollably. Is he playing a joke on me? 

 

"Won..." He fell to the ground, raising his hand to clutch the cheek where my punch had landed squarely. Even now, my older brother still doesn't understand. I really want to know how long he's going to keep acting like this. "What's wrong with you? Did I do something to you?"

 

pop!

I didn't answer, but I delivered another punch, intending this time to make him realise the despicable things he had done.

 

"Hey!" After being scolded twice, he became angry. My older brother grabbed my hands when I tried to give him the gift for the third time. "What! Why are you suddenly picking a fight with me? Are you crazy?!"

 

"Ugh! You crazy fool!" I yelled, shaking my hand free from his grip in disgust. I couldn't let this man touch me for even another second. I thought I was going to die of disgust. "Crazy! But at least it's better than being a jerk like my brother!"

 

"Hey! Pull yourself together!" My older brother started raising his voice. This was the first time I'd seen such rage from my usually kind older brother, but it was fair enough, because this will be the first time he's seen me act crazy, too. "Speak clearly! What's wrong with you!"

 

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

 

"Won!"

 

"Why did you kill my husband! You hellish beast!"

 

I never knew a person could be this angry. This is the ultimate level of anger, a catastrophic level of rage. I could kill him, tear him apart, gouge out his eyes with my bare hands. I'm not afraid of getting my hands dirty, not even afraid of spending the rest of my life in prison. As long as I can get revenge on this scoundrel, I don't need the rest of my life anymore.

 

"What are you talking about?" The murderer continued to feign ignorance. He looked at me as if he had never heard of this before, when in reality he had. It was the voice that had been in his head ever since he planned to kill his own brother: 

 

"Who am I going to kill? Are you crazy? Are you really so sick that you've lost your mind?"

 

"How long are you going to keep this act? Seriously," I trembled from head to toe. My face was burning, and my chest felt like it was about to explode. Seeing that bastard in front of me, still putting on a brave face, made me want to strangle him to death. 

 

"You know perfectly well what you're capable of. If you dared to do something so despicable, then when the time comes like this, don't be afraid. Just say it!"

 

"What am I supposed to say! I didn't do anything wrong! I didn't kill Fah!"

 

"You killed him!"

 

"Won! That's enough!"

 

"You're a scoundrel! A devil's offender! You did something terrible but chose to be afraid of the consequences. When you got caught, you killed them to silence them. How could you do this, Big Brother! Brother!"

 

"Fah was your younger brother!"

 

I screamed until my throat burned. It hurt so much, like blood was seeping from inside. My hands trembled more than someone craving drugs, and my eyes stung. But I don't care. Whether I crack my throat or have a stroke, I don't care. I wouldn't regret it even if I died after this.

 

"Before I die, I just want to kill this bastard," I said. "Won... where did you get all this information from?" The murderer continued his act, looking at me as if I were some delusional person making up these stories. He fabricated the story and believed it wholeheartedly, while he, a pure and innocent man, was being falsely accused. 

 

"How could I do something like that? Fah is my brother, my real brother. I've always been good to him and to you. Do you think I could really do something like that? Think carefully."

"That's why you were so angry when he told you to confess your guilt, because you'd been so good to him all along."

 

"This is utter nonsense...."

 

"Don't try to sweet-talk me! I'm not crazy! I know exactly what shitty things you've done!" After saying that, I pulled my phone out of my pants pocket, opened the file on the screen, turned the volume all the way up, and held it up to him. The face of that shameless person.

 

Biggie shouldn't do this.

(Enough, Fah. It's in the past. Why are you bringing it up again?)

 

Just two sentences, and Khadkorn's face turned as pale as a boiled chicken. The look in his eyes, as if he thought I was crazy, was gone. Now all that remained was his gaze. Just like me. The look in the eyes of someone who wants to kill.

 

(It happened in the past, but someone really did die, Big. Don't you feel anything?) 

 

(What am I supposed to feel? He committed suicide. I didn't go and interfere.)

 

(But Big took bribes from his opponent. Big intentionally tried to make him lose the case. For Big, it was a good thing; he got four or five times as much money as if he had won. But the person who lost, even though he was innocent, went bankrupt! His mother committed suicide. If Big didn't feel sorry for his client, shouldn't he at least think about his child? At that time, the child was just as Benny was. Big is a father now. Can't he really think like that? I'm asking you, Fah.)

 

"Please...listen to me first."

 

"Stop!" I stepped back the moment I saw him about to approach. "Listen to me and don't come near me, or I'll call the police."

 

"I can explain—"

 

"Shut up!" I roared. "You don't need to explain! It's too late! The explanation is right here! Listen carefully!" He froze, standing stiffly, not daring to move any closer. 

 

"What do you want, Fah? Do you want me to go to jail? Have you thought about your nephew? If I go to jail, what will Benny do?"

[Benny also has a mother, Kate.]

 

(Kate is going to divorce me anyway! She already has a new husband, do you understand, Fah? If you let Benny live with her, I'll never see my son again.)

 

"Is that what you want, Fah? Are you really my brother?!"

 

It's because Fah is Big's younger brother that Fah doesn't want Big to live like this. If he can't even admit his mistakes, how can he teach his children?

 

[You don't need to interfere with how I raise my child; I can do it perfectly well. But you're the one who's going to make sure my son is fatherless. You want Benny to be left with no one.]

 

[Benny still has the sky]

 

Tears streamed down my face when I heard that sentence. This wasn't even the first time I'd listened to this audio file, but no matter how many times I listened, the pain didn't lessen; on the contrary, it grew stronger and stronger. I missed his voice terribly, the warm and kind voice of P'Fah. Every word he spoke, recorded in this audio, was something I wasn't proud of. I'm so proud of how he's grown up, and I'm most proud of myself for choosing him as my life partner.

 

Fah might have a lot to learn about being a good father because he doesn't have a good role model, but Won can definitely be a good father. Won is a doctor, smart, and Kind-hearted. Won loves Benny. If Big agrees to do everything right, no matter what happens, Fah promises to take good care of Benny as if he were his own son. Big can trust Fah and Won completely.]

 

He is truly a wonderful human being. Is it because he's such a good person that God wants him? Because he makes everyone around him happy, that's why God doesn't let me have him? He gave it to me for longer.

 

[Oh...so that's how it is. I understand now.]

 

[So you didn't really want to uphold justice, did you? You just wanted my child, didn't you?] 

 

The owner of the voice looked bewildered. He seemed to want to run away from here, but didn't dare leave me alone with the crucial evidence, because with just one click, a flick of my finger, everything changes completely. 

[You want children, huh? But you can't have children with Won.]

 

(Big, what are you talking about? How could you think that?)

 

(Even if you adopt a child, they can't compare to a child with your bloodline, right? Especially Ben, who looks so much like you. What are you going to tell anyone he's your son?)

 

[Don't be ridiculous. Fah never wanted children. Fah just loves Benny because Benny is Big's son.] 

 

(Swear to God, Fah, deep down you're secretly sad that you were born gay, aren't you?)

 

I want to vomit. I want to vomit up all the love, respect, and trust I ever had for this human scum in front of me, and throw it all away completely. I want to erase every memory that includes him. I don't want even a trace of that bastard in my life anymore.

 

(But honestly, I understand you. You want kids, that's for sure. But Won is really tempting. I even want to try. Share him with me!) 

 

"Can't we just try once? Men can't get pregnant anyway—" *Thump!!*

 

The audio clip ends there, and I don't blame P'Fah at all, because if I were there, I would have punched that bastard in the mouth, too.

 

"Won....

 

"You're truly evil in every way."

 

"Where did you get that from?"

 

"Is that even important?" I said, putting my phone back in my pocket, because that jerk in front of me looked like he wanted to lunge and snatch it and take it from my hands.

 

"Why? Are you going to go after him and kill him again?"

 

"Please listen to me. I really did have an argument with Fah, just as you heard. I have nothing to say in my defence, but we'd settled things. There's no point in doing that."

 

"What would you do to Fah?"

 

"Cleared?"

 

"Yes, we talked it out," the eldest brother replied firmly. He slowly moved closer to me, like a caretaker trying to approach an animal. He was furious, but this time I chose to remain still, not moving away from him like before. "Fah understands me now. We have no unresolved issues between us."

 

"Does that mean P'Fah finally gave in? He didn't ask you to turn yourself in?"

 

"Fah is worried about Benny." his eyes softened, and now both his hands were holding my upper arms. "Won knows that Benny..."

 

"I'm the only one left. I love Benny so much. He would never do that to his nephew."

 

I didn't answer anything, I just stood still, waiting to hear what would come out of his mouth next.

 

"I know everything you heard was terrible. I said mean things to Fah, and I spoke badly about you. I'm sorry. Back then, I was so angry because I thought Fah really wanted to take Benny away from me; that's why I said what I did. But I swear I never had any bad intentions towards him."

 

"Never thought...?" I looked up and met his gaze, barely realising how close we were. My older brother met my eyes, his gaze trembling. His Adam's apple slowly descended as he swallowed, a swallow that seemed more difficult than usual. Normally not a small amount.

 

"I never thought you were just worth a try...or worth having like I told Fah."

 

"Really?" I raised an eyebrow. Our eyes remained locked, but the distance seemed to be drawing closer. "What do you think?"

 

"I like you," he said without hesitation. 

 

"From the first time I met you, when Fah brought you to have dinner with me, I felt you were very charming. At first, I thought I just liked you like a younger brother. But the longer time went on, and the more often we saw each other, I realised that wasn't the case."

 

The large hand that had been gripping my upper arm began to move lower, lower and lower, until it rested on my waist. His voice was deep and husky, at times...His voice is so similar to P'Fah's that it's almost impossible to tell them apart. And their faces are practically identical.

 

"It's more than that. I liked everything about you. I liked your looks, your personality, your character, and the way you act like you don't care about anyone, even though you really do."

 

"You're a very kind person. Every time I go to see Fah, I always look for you. Sometimes I don't even have any reason to go, but I still find an excuse to see Fah because I want to see you."

 

"Before the argument, did P'Fah know about this?"

 

"I don't know," he shook his head immediately. "How would I know? I've never done anything with these feelings because I know it's wrong. You were my younger brother's boyfriend. And I'm married now. I have Kate, I have Benny. If I say this, it will hurt everyone."

 

"Even though you still like Won?"

 

"I've never stopped liking you, Won." He hugged me, and I didn't push him away.

 

"I've tried many times, tried to stop liking you, but I can't. Even when I'm with Kate, I still think about you. I wish things were straight."

 

"That's you. I want you to be mine."

 

He hugged me tighter, as if he wanted to keep me all to himself and never let anyone else see or touch me again.

 

"In the past, I didn't intend to do anything because I love Fah, and I didn't want to hurt Kate. But as you heard, Kate and I are divorced. She's going to remarry, and as for you..."

 

"There's nobody else," I said.

 

"Yes...you have no one," he kissed my head before moving his face closer to my ear. His low, husky whisper sent shivers down my spine. "Can I take care of you? I promise I'll take care of you just as well as I take care of Fah. Whatever you want, just tell me, and I'll get it for you. Even a child...I can provide that."

 

"Okay."

 

"Benny?"

 

"Yes, you like Benny, don't you?"

 

"I like Benny."

 

"Then come live with us. Come raise Benny with me."

 

My older brother kissed my cheek, slowly tracing his lips down to the side of my neck.

 

"I think Fah wants someone to take care of you. He doesn't want you to be alone. And if someone were to take Fah’s place...I'd be happy if it were someone I trust...like you."

 

"Are you going to let me have everything I want?" I asked softly.

 

"Anything...just tell me."

 

"But now Won is unemployed."

 

"I'll take care of you. You don't have to work anymore. Being a doctor is exhausting. Just staying home with Benny is enough."

 

"I hope I don’t get sick too."

 

"You can get sick, but you can recover. I'll take care of you."

 

"And Won is very sexually active."

 

"That's no problem at all for me," my older brother chuckled softly, his large hand sliding down to caress my buttocks. He squeezed gently, then exhaled softly onto the back of my neck, his pent-up patience about to explode. "I can always give you what you want, anywhere, anytime, in any position. Anything a soft, gentle guy like you can't give you, you can get from me."

 

His rough fingertips were rubbing against the seam of my pants. He sucked in his breath softly, his tongue licking my ear hungrily. He seemed ready, and now, right here and now, you're going to devour me.

 

"I could do it right now," he whispered hoarsely, his large hand sliding from behind to the front, caressing my thighs. The kind older brother did it intentionally.

He dragged his hand back and forth across my groin, as if trying to arouse me. 

 

"How about right in the middle of the house? Benny's playing with his friends; he won't be coming down."

 

"In broad daylight?"

 

"Isn't it good? I'll get to see you clearly," my older brother chuckled softly, clearly amused. "I can't wait to see you when I'm with you..." He was drawing closer. His face, the more I looked at it, the more it reminded me of my deceased boyfriend. I didn't push him away, I didn't struggle or resist, I didn't even blink. I stood there, motionless like a mannequin, letting him do as he pleased.

 

Whoosh!

pop!

Because I know I don't need to waste any more effort.

 

"The baby is sleeping."

 

We weren't even talking in my head, but he was right in front of me at the perfect time. Fourteen came in and yanked the bastard away from me. Before that, I landed a hard knee strike right in the stomach, sending him tumbling to the ground in a curled-up position.

 

"Do you think I'm a babysitter?"

 

The young Grim Reaper sneered in displeasure. He stood casually, hands in his pockets, as if he had just been passing by, not someone who had just knocked the homeowner unconscious. I simply watched my boyfriend's older brother groaning in pain with pity. Even a normal person's knee to the stomach like that would make him double over in pain, but to get hit by a Grim Reaper with force far greater than a normal person's—I bet he's going to have internal injuries.

 

"Hey... A-Fah!"

 

The eldest brother's eyes widened as if he'd seen a ghost. He lay on the floor, clutching his stomach, barely able to move. So, getting up to run away from a ghost would be impossible.

 

"Hi, Big," Fourteen flashed a wide smile, tilting his head to look at his beloved older brother with a familiar, bright, sparkling gaze. "Did you miss me?"

 

"How...how could this happen?" The older brother stammered, his eyes red and terrified, tears streaming down his face. His tall, imposing body trembled violently, and as his younger brother approached, he became even more panicked, as if on the verge of a breakdown. "You're dead. I...I saw it with my own eyes. In the morgue."

 

"How could I die?" Fah said, laughing. 

 

"Even though Big wants me dead so much, I can't just die easily, you know why?"

what"

 

"Impossible...Fah."

 

Fourteen crouched down in front of his terrified older brother. He laughed in a deep, chilling voice before reaching out and grabbing his brother's neck. That scoundrel made him cry until tears streamed down his face.

 

"Because you have to die before me."

 

"No... sky... no... I'm sorry," he stammered, barely able to speak coherently. He clasped his hands together in a gesture of utter terror, perhaps so frightened of ghosts that he was practically defecating himself. Is it his brain, or is he afraid that his own wickedness will be exposed? "I didn't mean to...It wasn't intentional.

Every single thing...every single thing."

 

"Speak clearly!" Fourteen's voice boomed, making me jump. He looked terrifying, like a demon unleashed from the deepest pits of hell. Finally, and now he's about to get his revenge on those who sent him there. "What have you done?! Say it so I can hear you!"

"Sky...I'm sorry..."

 

"I'm giving you a choice: either speak nicely, or I'll wring your neck first so you won't have to say anything."

 

"No! No...no!" The man with the big name but the heart of an ant trembled, not knowing if he had wet his pants yet. "...I bent the brake lines on your car myself, that day...when you came."

 

"You came to my house to discuss childcare while you were playing with Benny... I secretly went out and cut your car's brake lines."

 

Tears streamed down my face when I heard those disgusting confessions from him. My kind older brother, whom I once loved and respected from the bottom of my heart, today...I've learned that it was all just an illusion. In reality, he was a demon, a creature from hell unleashed, aiming to destroy every living thing he encountered. And the life that was taken by this demon...is the life I cherish most.

 

"Oh, the sky..." I collapsed to the ground, kneeling and sobbing, having no strength left to fight anything anymore. Just thinking about that day, the day when he and I were still acting awkward around each other.  Even P'Fah secretly went to see P'Yai about that. He was trying everything to make me happy, unaware that the only happiness I wanted was him... just him. "How could you... How could you do that to him...?"

 

Fourteen released his grip on the murderer's neck, pushed him until he fell backwards onto the ground, and then stomped on his genitals with full force, making him scream in agony.

 

Almost dead.

Is that all?

 

His pain... wasn't even a fraction of mine.

 

"You think you can replace P'Fah? Even if you died ten times, you couldn't do it, you scoundrel! I pray you're ruined for life. I pray you die a torturous death."

 

You're the best..."

 

Fourteen's embrace enveloped me at my weakest moment. I sobbed uncontrollably, wanting to die, but I knew...I can't, because I haven't been given permission to die. The only thing I can do is stay alive... to continue suffering.

 

"How could you do this, you bastard?... Give him back to me right now... Give me back my P'Fah..."

 

Holding the arms of the Grim Reaper, who looked like my lover, my heart grew cold and began to shatter into pieces. His body felt warm again. His tears fell onto my cheek. My cries mingled with his sobs before the police stormed into the house and arrested the murderer, who lay unconscious on the floor.

 

"excuse me...."

 

He whispered softly to me.

 

"...excuse me"

 

He apologised even though he hadn't done anything wrong.