"A blackout?"

 

I ask the question in the dark, tightening my arms around myself, not expecting to be in this situation, especially with someone I don't wish to show my weakness to. Ket goes quiet.

 

"Ket."

 

"I don't think so. If it were a blackout, Mee would come to check the raw ingredients."

 

If it's not a blackout, someone must've turned off the light. We both sit in silence for a while. I can't see anything around me. All I know is that I sit beside the prep table. The sound of the wind blowing outside gives me the shivers. There's no moonlight from the sky tonight, so I can't hope for it to seep through the small window.

 

I have no clue how long we've stayed in the dark, and I'm getting scared of something. When I think of it...I can't breathe.

 

"Cough, cough."

 

I cough out softly and try to take a deep breath. The more I sit here, the more it feels like the room is caving in, compressed into a square box confining me. It's suffocating.

 

My thoughts run wild. I want to stand up and knock on the door to get out of here, but I can't do it due to my lack of strength. My panting makes the person across from me notice something strange.

 

"Kieng?"

 

"Cough, cough."

 

I can't take it. Teardrops roll down my cheeks as I sob. Ket presses a button on his watch to flash a faint light, helping me see the other person. I can't say another word right now, knowing only I'm about to die for sure.

 

"Kieng! Hey, what's wrong?"

 

I hear him stuttering. Ket moves closer in shock. He touches my cheek with his warm hand and wipes my flowing tears. My body trembles. Suddenly, Ket pulls me into his arms. His warm embrace makes me try to push him away, but I lose more energy the more I attempt to break free.

 

"Don't be stubborn."

 

I clutch my shaking hands at those short words. Ket moves us closer to the cooler oozing coolness, and we lean on it. He rubs my arms hard with his firm hands. As my panting won't stop, Ket holds me again.

 

"No."

 

"I told you not to be stubborn."

 

"Cough, cough."

 

I cough my tears off. It felt so terrible that I wished to die. The man hugging me rubs my back violently until my body heats up, but I still can't stand it. My eyelids feel heavy. I'm falling asleep.

 

"Kieng, don't fall asleep."

 

"Cough, cough."

 

"Don't sleep."

 

"Um."

 

"Take a deep breath."

 

"Cough."

 

"Take a deep breath." His firm hands slow down. I breathe in deeply as told and breathe out. I inhale again and exhale.

 

"Keep doing that."

 

I cough so hard that my saliva and tears are all over Ket's shoulder. However, after he strokes my back with his warm hands to let me know I'm not alone in this box, that there's someone with me, my panting begins to subside. I almost suffocated to death. Now I can fill my lungs with air.

 

I don't know how long it's taken me to breathe normally. I slowly pull myself away from him and sit by his side. Afraid the feeling of being suffocated in the box will return, I inch close to Ket so our arms touch.

 

Ket keeps switching on the light. How fortunate that the child of a wealthy family wears a digital watch today. It's because he worked out at the basketball court earlier. I usually saw him with a Rolex.

 

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah."

 

I answer softly and cough again. "Sorry."

 

"You never told me about this reaction."

 

"I didn't want you to know."

 

When I was young, my fever was always worse than anyone else's. The typical fever was followed by breathing difficulty, though it was never this awful. The breathing difficulty with tears only occurs in a narrow space due to my claustrophobia. I used to be confined to a cupboard under the stairs alone because I was in a relationship with Ket.

 

I've never told anyone about this, not even Ning. Ning didn't know our father locked me up for a whole night. All I know is I would've been dead under the stairs if he'd opened the door a few seconds late.

 

"Can you tell me?"

 

The initially annoying low voice is becoming more familiar by the day. I used to be irritated by it, but now it sometimes sounds sonorous when he softens his voice. There's no reason to hide it since I've shown him everything.

 

"Do you remember what you said? I disappeared, then you flew to England."

 

"Yeah."

 

"My parents locked me up and confiscated my phone. I studied at home, not allowed to go outside."

 

Ket goes quiet. He must've learned this from Ning.

 

"On the first night I got caught, after I treated my wound and Ning went outside, my dad put me in the cupboard under the stairs. I became claustrophobic that day. Not only narrow spaces. If the room is dark with no way out, I'll feel suffocated even if it's spacious.”

 

Noticing my quivering voice, Ket moves closer to me.

 

"How do you sleep?"

 

"I turn on the lamp on my nightstand."

 

It's been my habit until this day. I can't sleep in a completely dark room. There must be a faint light to guarantee my safety.

 

"Why did your dad go that far?" Ket growls in vexation. Unable to see his face, I'm surprised he's suddenly expressing his anger.

 

"That was a fucking shitty move."

 

"That was why I studied hard to pass the exam and then ran away from home," I laugh softly. Ket goes silent.

 

We both feel guilty toward one another for making each other go through those horrible things, or maybe I'm the only one who feels that way.

 

"How was it in England?" I ask, too tired to talk. I lean my heavy head against the cooler and shut my eyes, taking a deep breath. I'm gradually feeling better despite the occasional cough. It's because I know someone is by my side, perhaps.

 

"It was okay. Cold, not sunny. Cloudy all day."

 

"Um," I respond with a mumble.

 

This is Ket's first day being this talkative. I was usually the one talking while he listened. Now that I'm the listener, it feels interesting. Is it okay to be weak for a day?

I rest my head on the broad shoulder of the person who left me without a word. I don't know what happened back then. The adults closed our eyes, and we became strangers for a night. The most vivid feeling was the crashing infuriation. It felt like Ket had been treating me like a toy, like his parents, who always looked at my family with condescending eyes.

 

Both our families are wealthy. Ket is the son of the owner of a big hotel in Phuket, while I'm the son of the owner of the country's top export business. The difference is that Ket's family has been rich for generations. My family, on the contrary, became well-off when my grandpa ran a successful business. Subsequently, Ket's father treated mine with disdain. But since Ket and I were close, our families inevitably associated.

 

To me, it was freaking ludicrous. The adults kept thinking nonsense. I didn't care about the fucking inheritance. I only ever cared about my family's affection, which I've never received since the day I was born.

 

"Have you ever thought you'd be back here one day?" I ask the quiet guy in a whisper.

 

"I have."

 

Ket's words spark something in my heart. It's a tiny, dull blue spark, similar to this man's faint aura.

 

"I've always thought about it."

 

"Um...'I'm sorry I threw the ball at your face." 

 

You deserved it, though. Ket chuckles. The long fingers I've been gazing at touch my hair, ruffling it gently.

 

"I've never been mad at you."

 

After that day, Ket and I haven't exchanged a word. Even when we got out of our rooms at the same time, I would ignore him, hoping to leave what happened that day in the kitchen. After all, I still don't know the reason for Ket's return despite us getting locked up together.

 

"Any idea yet? For the contest."

 

Someone hits my head with a paper roll while I read a comic to relieve stress. I look up at Fou in boredom. I space out more often, especially when left alone. I keep thinking of this and that, so I try to do something about it. Comics distract me well.

 

"No."

 

"Will you participate?" Fou points the paper roll at my face with a stern expression.

 

"Okay. I will."

 

"Good."

 

"What if I don't win?"

 

"I'll kick you out."

 

"I won't do it, then."

 

"I'll kick you out anyway."

 

What the hell? If the prize were a million baht, I'd get to work immediately.

 

"What about Ket? I haven't seen him lately."

This question again.

 

"If you care that much, ask him yourself. How am I supposed to know?" I ignore Fou and continue reading the comic.

 

"Didn't you live in the same place?"

 

"In the same place but different rooms. Does that mean we're close?"

 

"Oh, yeah? I thought you shared the bed."

 

"Cough."

 

I choke. Mi gazes up with a small smile, unaffected by Fou's words. Come to think of it, Mi's relationship with Fou makes zero progress. Even so, Mi never avoids him. She goes to the club room every day and gives him snacks. Do you think Fou is aware of Mi's feelings after she's been a member for nearly a month?

 

The club president is still an idiot. I'm jealous of her, regardless. She's strong. Even if Fou is clueless, she's happy to have a crush on him.  Just like me before.

 

FWIP.

FWIP.

 

What are you reading? I dashed toward the boy reading a book in the library while spinning his pencil as he'd always done to concentrate. It was rare for boys my age to occupy themselves in the library during recess.

 

'Stars.'

 

He closed the book to show me the cover that didn't look appealing at all.

 

'It doesn't look fun.'

 

'It's fun.' 

 

I sat next to Ket and put a book about dinosaurs on the table.

 

'Dinosaurs?' He turned to me with an exclamation mark on his face.

 

'Yeah.'

 

'It doesn't look fun.'

 

We held each other's gaze and laughed.

Even though we read different books, we smiled happily. My heart raced every time I sat beside him.

 

"Kieng."

A clear voice brings me back to reality. Mi touches my cheek. I look at the girl with concerned, round eyes in front of me.

 

"Why are you crying?"

 

Huh?

The wet tears on my face take me aback. I flick my eyes toward the club president with a crispy pancake in his mouth and five other members who stare at me in surprise.

 

"Kieng... Why are you crying?"

 

I rise and dart out of the room as a dark feeling consumes my heart. Tears keep falling, and I can't hide them. All I know is that the walls around the once-strong person who used to ignore everything start to crumble. Why am I so weak?

 

I bump my shoulder into someone passing by. I apologise and step away, but that person grabs my arm. I look up at the tall guy I've ignored for days.

 

"Let go."

 

Ket refuses. He was trying to hold me back. He tightens his grip now.

 

"I said, let go."

 

"Why are you crying?"

 

What a stupid question.

 

"I'm not. I was cutting onions."

 

"You're lying."

 

You know that, then why are you holding me back?

 

"Let go of me."

 

"Kieng."

 

"Let go."

 

"Ter!"*

 

He addresses me with the pronoun he once used to call me.

 

The word weakens my body. Since I stay still, he drags me with him. Why are these damn legs following him so obediently?

"Why did you call me 'ter?'

 

I asked the question as I folded a piece of paper into a frog next to Ket.

 

'Can't I?'

 

'You can.'

 

But Ket never called others like that. He addressed them by their short names.

'My mom told me to speak nicely to those important to me. You're important. That's why.'

 

*One of the Thai pronouns means' You.*

 

'I don't call anyone else 'ter.' If I call someone like that, that person is the most important to me.'

 

‘But I'm a boy.'

 

Ket nodded. 'I still want to call you 'ter."

 

"Here you go."

 

A plastic cup of blue soda is handed to me, and I accept it. My tears stopped since I got dragged for almost a kilometre here. I suck the drink through the straw. The fizzy sweetness makes me squint.

 

He bought me his favourite drink. Has he gone nuts? Despite that, I finish half of it as I watch the cheer practice.

 

The sun is setting. I gaze at the shades of lights, orange, purple, pink, blue, and yellow, in the sky, merging over the horizon. Every colour fits perfectly, yet I'm not satisfied. It misses something I can't pinpoint.

 

"Will you tell me now why you were crying?" 

 

Ket sits beside me. His untucked student shirt gives him a rare bad-boy look. He usually looked like a reserved young master, neat from head to toe.

 

"I said I was cutting onions."

 

"You were in the club room. When could you have cut onions?" Ket points out knowingly. I pout.

 

"They just came out."

 

The man beside me goes silent. A whistle goes off before the runners take off as practice. The activities in the field have been unfamiliar to me since I started my second year because I've rarely visited them. I've been spending my days with paints, brushes, and canvases.

 

"Because I'm back?"

 

Yes.

 

I wish I could say that out loud, yet I remain quiet.

 

"You know what?" Ket mumbles through those perfectly shaped lips, his gorgeous eyes staring ahead.

 

"Since we knew each other, you've never cried in front of me." Haha.

 

He's right.

 

"No matter how sad you were, you wouldn't cry, except when you had an episode."

 

I've always hated showing my weakness to others. Despite having two older siblings and being the youngest, I should've been spoiled, but that's never been the case. I was never supposed to happen.

 

I was a mistake from a failed contraception. I'm ten years younger than my sister, the unexpected child. My parents never really taught me anything. All I learned was from Ning.

 

No one cared, no matter how hard I cried, so I kept it inside to let it out alone. But today, my tears trickled down on their own with no stopping them. I even let Ket see them. How embarrassing. 

 

"Isn't it a good thing?"

 

I turn to the smiling man. I can't deny I lose to that soft smile, a super rarity from the arrogant young master.

"How?"

 

Crying sucks.

 

"Well...It's better than feeling nothing."

 

It takes me aback. I automatically clutch the cup of soda, sending it splashing on my pants.

 

"Shit."

 

"How clumsy." The man beside me wipes the stain on my pants with his handkerchief. I quickly yank it from his hand to do it 

myself.

 

I rub it until my leg almost goes numb. It's not too hot today, but I don't know why something makes my heart tingle. I gaze down at my lap, asking myself what this feeling is.

 

Is it a good feeling? No. It doesn't feel that good. Something seemingly obstructs that feeling. Is it hatred? No...I don't hate him. I press my lips together tightly. No matter what the purpose of Ket's return is...

 

Why am I feeling like I'm going to lose to this man...like I did five years ago?