I run across the polished floor to Class 2 of the tenth grade. A sign reading 'Art-Math' is on the door. I brought a snack for someone here since he loves it. They're colorful fruity jellybeans. Once I'm there, I look around for the familiar face. Usually, I can spot him in an instant because he stands out.

 

Now that we're high schoolers, the weak, fragile boy who often got bullied has become the centre of attention. Perhaps it's his calm, mysterious personality and his attractive looks. The image of the little boy in the past gradually disappears. I don't find Ket in his regular seat, but I see a group of students gathering at the back of the room, cheering. Ket's classmate walks past me. I grab his collar.

 

"What's going on?"

 

"Oh, Kieng." Everyone knows I'm close to Ket. Some have been our classmates since middle school. We're separated into different majors in high school.

 

"Over there. What are they doing?" I point at the loud crowd. The classmate then makes an acknowledgement.

 

"It's the twelfth grader."

 

A twelfth grader? Why? It doesn't feel right.

 

"He confessed his feelings for Ket, bringing his favourite snack."

 

"Hey, hey, what are you doing? Make way." A science-math twelfth grader with his gang enters the classroom. The group of tenth graders slowly split up, still teasing loudly. At the back of the room, a cute boy is holding out a snack to Ket. It's the same package as mine. Ket doesn't accept it, though.

 

"Another failed confession." Ket's friend says that, laughing.

 

I clutch the snack in my hand, twisting it out of shape, pressing my lips so tightly they hurt. The upset feeling and jealousy form into a large cloud over my head. They're strangers, yet he has the courage to confess. We're together, yet we don't even dare to hold hands publicly. Ket flicks his beautiful eyes to me and looks alarmed, and the others follow his eyes. I turn around and run off, ignoring his voice calling my name.

Doesn't he know I'm jealous like crazy...?

 

I blindly sprint until I reach the back garden of the school. I plop on the green grass under the tree, panting in exhaustion, before glancing at the jelly package in my hand. Even though we clarified our relationship as boyfriend and boyfriend, we've never told anyone. The classmates growing together only know that Ket and I are super close. No one is suspicious of our relationship. We've kept it well. Our families think we're best friends. They've never caught me sneaking out to hang out with Ket. No one cares about what we do in a day. That gives others the opportunity to approach Ket.

 

This wasn't the first time someone confessed their feelings to the boy with charming eyes. His facial structure changes as he grows older. Ket has become many people's crush because he's mysterious. I feel possessive of him when he receives confessions. I'm jealous of those who bravely confess their feelings in front of dozens of people.

 

When you're young, you can say you like someone without considering the consequences. If the adults know, they just laugh, thinking the young ones are delusional and confused. But when you grow up, old enough to learn the truth in this world, you'll keep your feelings hidden instead of saying them out loud. Jealousy. Fondness. The desire to touch him and be by his side. You can't express any of them.

 

Someone's footsteps stop beside me, and Ket settles by my side. We say nothing. The birds are chirping on the branches of the tree, which, besides being our regular spot, is also home to the birds and their babies.

 

"Are you mad?" Ket's tiny voice changed after puberty. It's not too low or clear like the first day we met, but moderately low.

 

"No."

 

As if. I'm pissed. I'm mad at myself for being unable to express my feelings like that. I'm mad at myself for being too scared to come out. I'm mad at Ket for standing there and letting the others tease him. But I can't say anything; I stay silent.

 

"I know you're mad."

 

"I'm not."

 

"You are. We've been dating for three years. Why wouldn't I know when you're mad? When you're angry, you refuse to look at me."

 

Pressing my lips together, I avert my gaze and cross my arms. Ket once pointed out that I'm stubborn and listen to no one. If I believe what I'm doing is right, I'll do it even if the world is against it. And if I'm not wrong, I'll never take the blame even if it might affect others. In addition, I always assume things, especially when it comes to love. Since we can't reveal our relationship, my head is constantly filled with ludicrous thoughts. But since Ket is water and I'm fire, we've never had a serious fight.

 

"I rejected him."

 

I turn to Ket abruptly, clenching my fist around the jelly package so hard it inflates on one side.

 

"How?"

 

"Sorry. I like someone else."

 

Heat rushes to my face. My heartbeats so fast as if I have a fever. I divert my eyes from Ket's beautiful ones, switching my attention to the snack in my hand. I'd never avoided his gaze or thought they were dangerous until our first kiss.

 

"You didn't tell him who it is, did you?"

 

"I didn't."

 

Although his eyes are unreadable, they always soften up when it comes to me, turning gentle.

 

"Don't say it next time. You'll catch unnecessary attention."

 

"Do you want to tell them you're my b.." I cover the mouth of the boy who's too honest about his feelings. Unlike him, even though I complain in my mind and overthink things by myself, I can't do anything. I don't even have the courage to say, 'Ket is my boyfriend.' I'm supposed to be the brave one who reveals our relationship, comes out, and shouts to the world that I love Ket.' I don't dare to do any of that because...

 

"I know your family doesn't want you to date a boy. That's why I've never said anything to anyone, not my mom, my dad, or even my friends. Never."

 

It takes me aback.

 

"But if you want me to tell them, I will. I don't care about how others think of me."

No. No way.

 

"It's not that simple."

 

I give Ket his favourite jellybeans. He accepts it and starts enjoying it. My family is homophobic. I found it out one evening during dinner. The son of my father's friend was in a relationship with a boy, which surprised me. I didn't even dare to swallow the soup. Every family member of mine believes homosexuality is abnormal, unnatural, and sinful.

 

Consequently, I'm always careful in front of our families, mine and Ket's, including our classmates and teachers. No one knows what my relationship with Ket has developed into. No one knows who Ket's crush is. They assume it's that girl from a different school. The one who often gives Ket roses on Valentine's Day and checks on him every evening while chatting with her friends. They all only know that we're best friends. Besides, we're always together like a duo; wherever Ket is, I'm there. No one knows that when we were alone on Friday evening, our lips touched in the empty library.

At the library, we held hands more tightly than ever. I could feel his hand grow a little bit bigger than mine.

 

When we shielded ourselves from the rain under a narrow shed, our bodies were pressed close. No one knows that, and they must not find out until I free myself from that family.

 

It's the rainy season, and I hate the rain like crazy. I don't want to go home today, so I've visited Ket's place. His parents aren't home. The old maids tell us they're working and coming home late. Even though the chauffeur of Ket's family picked us up at school, it was after we ran out of the building, soaked in the rain. We leave our shoes at the entrance. When we open the door, we hear Mr Coffee barking first.

 

"Woof!" The brown golden retriever charges at his owner and then snuggles up against me.

 

"Hey, Mr Coffee. It's been a while."

 

Mr Coffee greets me with delight, wiggling his butt. The silly dog loves attention and food the most. Ket might prefer cats, but he loves Mr Coffee dearly because he helps Ket feel less lonely.

 

After playing with Mr Coffee to our hearts' content, Ket leads me upstairs to his room, where he spends most of his time. I know Ket has been living in this room with loneliness for a long time. He had no friends, and his only close cousin was taken by the sea, which made him scared of it. His parents were workaholics, barely having time to take their son out. His mother picked him up at school once in a while. Most of the time, it was the family's chauffeur.

 

The square room has everything. The built-in bookshelves with nearly a hundred titles, toys Ket never touches, various finished puzzles, and luminous stars on the ceiling since Ket hardly goes out. Ket walks to his closet to fetch two towels, then hands one to me as I'm drenched like a puppy playing in the water. I take it and rub it on my hair.

 

"Sooooo cold," mumble, cracking Ket up.

 

"Get changed."

 

I change into a big tee and casual shorts. Once done, I roll around on the carpeted floor in the room with my legs propped on Ket's bed, reading comics to kill time, while Ket works on his math homework next to me. Ket has been studying more subjects at a cram school since we became 10th graders. He barely has time to go to the temple festival with me, like when we were younger. I once asked my parents to put me in cram school, but they said it was 'unnecessary. ' No matter how hard I studied, I'd forever be stupid. The rain hits the window, accompanied by occasional thunder. I gaze at the raindrops on the glass.

 

"Ket, have you ever wondered why men are born to be with women?"

 

The boy doing his math homework goes still. He stops scribbling in the notebook and spins the pen. Ket is good at spinning pens, his long fingers balancing them well. Unlike him, I have short fingers, as Ket said. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't pull it off like Ket and eventually gave up, but not because of my short fingers. I gave up because watching Ket making the spinning sound, wip, fwip, is much more satisfying.

 

"Men aren't necessarily matched with women."

 

"My mom said it's naturally correct that men are paired with women, and gays or lesbians are abnormal. Who said only men and women are allowed to be in love?"

 

"Humans set that belief."

 

"Right? We love because we have feelings. There's no need to set the rule that we can only have feelings for girls."

 

Silence falls upon us. No sound except the rain hitting the window.

 

"If your mom finds out, what will you do?"

 

My heart dropping, I turn to Ket. His eyes show a mix of emotions he doesn't dare to voice. When he notices my shocked expression, he hides those emotions and smiles.

 

"You don't have to answer. I know you must be..."

 

"I don't want to break up," I say in a muffled voice, burying my face in Ket's thigh. 

 

"Never."

 

"Even if they tell us to?"

 

"No. I'll never break up with you." Ket strokes my hair with his warm hand.

 

"I also don't want to break up with you."

 

"If I'm caught, I'll run away somewhere far. We'll run together. It can be anywhere. I'll go up the mountain if you want."

 

"Kieng."

 

"But we won't break up." I dig my nails into Ket's pants, afraid he'll disappear. We've talked about the future. Since we're high schoolers now, we have to start thinking about universities and our goals. I told Ket I wanted to go to a university near the sea because I loved the sea, while Ket wished to go to Chiang Mai since he preferred the mountains...He wanted to see the stars more clearly.

 

At first, opposed the idea in my mind. don't want to be apart from Ket, but I also don't want to go to the mountains. But if I got caught and ordered to break up with Ket, I'd follow him to the mountains without a second thought. I won't protest or whine. Breaking up when you still love each other is excruciatingly painful.

 

"We won't," Ket mumbles. I look up at Ket before he leans in and kisses my lips. Our first kiss felt like the innocence of youth. We couldn't even adjust the angles of our heads. But after that, we learned and remembered. Ket's lips have become something I'm both afraid of and captivated by. His perfectly shaped lips touch mine, soft like a feather.

Then our lips turn wet from our tongues. Enchantment and longing drive our kiss deeper than before. It's soft and passionate like a fire burning our bodies.

 

"Um."

 

I moan softly as Ket grinds his lips on mine over and over. The sound of our lips parting and sucking echoes in my ears. Ket drops his pencil from his right hand and touches my neck, ears, and chin. I retreat as it tickles, yet Ket refuses to let me be free. Heat spreads all over each part of my body-my face, neck, lips, chest, and stomach.

 

Ket pulls away, letting me gasp for air in desperation. Our pant reverberates across the square room. My heart races, and I have to cover my lips with the back of my hand. They're swollen from the zealous kiss. I look at Ket, whose ears are as red as mine. Once our eyes meet, we burst out laughing. I can't imagine what it would be if we were separated for real. We're together every day. I'll cry if that time ever comes.

 

The weather in Thailand gives me a headache. It's the rainy season, but today is scalding hot. I'm sitting on a swing with a sulky face and Popsicles from the ice cream cart. Ket settles on the swing next to me, his lips pressed together, probably sensing something is off. Eventually, I start speaking.

 

"You seem close to Guy."

 

Grumbling, Ibreak the twin Popsicles and share one with the boy beside me. Lately, Ket is oddly close to the science-math senior, joining at the hips. As for me, he's barely come to my classroom since we moved up to the tenth grade. I'm always the one running to him.

 

"Hmm? He's just a senior."

 

Seeing my grumpy face, Ket laughs.

 

"Are you jealous?"

 

"Yes. Very much."

 

My answer puts a smile on his face. Ket holds my hand, and we play on the swings together.

 

"He's pestering me to join the math team."

Is that so? I heave a sigh of relief.

 

"Someone is always overthinking."

 

"I can't help it. I'm jealous."

 

"I like it, though. It's cute."

 

"Is that why you keep making me jealous?"

 

"No. It's not good to make you jealous often."

 

"True. Because it hurts my heart!"

 

"Will you promise me one thing?"

 

"What now?"

 

"If you're jealous, admit it. Don't avoid me. I'd rather you kick up a fuss out of jealousy."

 

I keep the Popsicle in my mouth and pat Ket's arm.

 

"Won't it annoy you?"

 

"No. If you're jealous, it means you still love me a lot. If you didn't love me, you wouldn't be jealous."

 

Is that so?

 

As a kid, I had no idea the discomfort in my heart was "jealousy.' I was just 'possessive' the way a boy with one best friend was. I didn't want anyone to hang out with Ket. When I grew older, my feelings became clearer. My jealousy was more evident, especially when Ket was with someone else. I wouldn't mind our classmates. But if he associated with someone with a tendency to have a crush on him, I'd be infuriated. My head would be on fire, my chest burning. In the end, Ket had to make up with me.

 

To be honest, I'm not a fan of 'jealousy.' It turns a reasonable person into an irrational one in a split second.

When you grow older, you have a lot to learn about love. It's no longer an innocent feeling. It's more intense, palpable, and unmistakable. Sometimes you can't express it for fear that it will cause the other party to overthink. But I'm not afraid to be consumed by it. Because Ket is by my side, I guess. We'll get through it no matter what.

 

"Are you okay?" The boy asks, his voice tinged with worry, as I climb over the fence in the back. I see the usually deadpan face dropping and answer.

 

"Of course. I've done this many times."

 

Ket still cheers for me quietly. Okay, my ass. My legs are short, and the climb is a struggle. My balls hurt every time they land. It's different from when I was a kid. I used to climb relentlessly without caring if I'd hurt myself. I grew weaker when I met Ket. Is that what they say about how you seek attention when in love? I got it now.

 

"That's a shooting star." Ket mumbles in a soft voice. The boy before me gazes up at the sky full of stars tonight. I look up, still straddling the fence. Even though I can't spot it, I know it's there.

 

"They say to make a wish, and it'll come true."

 

"Oh, yeah?"

 

I don't believe in things like this. But when I see Ket closing his eyes with his face lifted toward the star in the sky… I close my eyes and wish upon the shooting star.

I hope I can be with Ket longer than this. Even if we hated each other, I'd still wish to be with him. As I make a wish, I peek at Ket with one eye. He's standing still. Well, can I make more than one wish?

 

I look up, close my eyes, and make more wishes in my mind. The wind wafts the scent of ylang-ylang to me. I hope we're together for a long time. I hope we're each other's support on rough days.'

 

'I hope Ket is happy!

 

"I hope Ket is healthy.'

 

"I hope I am Ket's most beautiful star.'

"What's your wish? You took so long." Ket asks in a gentle voice. I grin at him before smoothly landing on the lawn inside. I check myself and flash an amused smile at the boy standing outside.

 

"Not telling."

 

"Please don't. Your wish won't come true."

 

"Really? We can't do that?"

 

"Just kidding."

 

"You're mean," I growl at Ket, reaching over the fence for his hand. Ket puts his hand on mine and holds it. The warmth from his palm is incomparable. Your blue aura is brighter than ever today. When you're happy, they brighten up like the colour of the sea."

 

"Can you see your aura?" Ket asks. I shake my head.

 

"I can't spot them in the mirror."

 

"But I can see it."

 

"Yours is the colour of stars. It's so bright." I grin, tightening my grip around his hand.

 

"Is it beautiful?"

 

"Yes. You're the most beautiful star in my life."

 

Shy, I release Ket's hand and scratch the back of my neck. We're separated by a fence. I hope that, in the future, when I leave this house, nothing will ever come

between us. When that time comes, we'll stargaze on the mountains and visit the beach. Even if Ket is scared, I'll hold his hand and tell him there's nothing to be afraid of. Nothing at all. If Ket drowns, I'll pull him out of the water. No matter how far he sinks, I'll catch him. Because I love this boy so much.

 

"Well, see you tomorrow."

 

Ket fixes his gentle eyes on me as if he never wishes to look away.

 

"Okay."

"Goodnight, Khobket."

"Goodnight, Kiengdao."