I push the door of Ket's room to find it empty as if no one has ever resided in here. No scent of his perfume. No piles of books, scattered clothes, or flattened parts on the mattress, as if someone had cleaned it all up, except for the desk by the window. My present sits there like it's been waiting to be collected for a long time.

 

I stop in front of the small desk. The wind through the window flaps the pages of the book. I can imagine Ket sitting here with his head down, taking a nap, his broad shoulders taking up most of the space. If I looked at him from the bed, it would be such a pleasant sight that I couldn't take my eyes off it. However, I've never set foot in this room since his return.

 

I take a deep breath and slowly pick up a medium-sized framed canvas. The picture of 'the sea.' It's unfinished and not stunningly beautiful due to the painter's lack of experience, but it's his effort. The poorly mixed, clumpy paint. The distorted mountains looked as broad as the painter's back. The sky filled with the colours of the sunset and a speck of stars that he probably added on purpose. It all feels innocent, like a child sneakily painting over an adult's piece. 

 

The sea, with its lovely colours, feels like the painter cried with it, but the absence of the waves gives off serenity. This painting is Ket's intention. Besides the framed canvas, I spot a white envelope next to it. I hold it up and carry it to the rooftop under the starlight.

 

From Ket

To Kieng

 

I miss you. What are you doing? Are you watching TV, reading comics, or drinking orange-flavoured Fanta? I wonder. It's funny that I have to write a letter like this. I bet you wonder why I didn't record my voice or a video of my face to soothe your longing. I just don't want you to hear my trembling voice or see my expression. If I recorded a video, I would keep my eyes on a note, not knowing what to say.

 

I'm glad letters are voiceless since you won't be able to detect my emotions. I'm not good at writing, but I'll try my best. My handwriting might not be pretty, but I'll put more effort into it than I did in the essay in the tenth grade. Come to think of it, why don't I type it on my laptop? But if I did that, there would be nothing left for you to think of me. A handwritten letter is a better choice. At least my bad handwriting will help you imagine me writing this. 

 

You once told me your handwriting reflects your personality, and you always pointed out how my personality contradicts my handwriting. You made me practice alphabet writing more often than the Thai teacher. I miss those times. I want to talk to you about tons of things, but it'd take a few months to write it all down. It would be a thick report for you to read until you get bored. But I don't have enough time.

 

I've promised myself to let you read this letter after I'm gone. If you're reading this, it means I've said goodbye to you, right? Or did I go without telling you anything? I'd feel terrible if that were the case. I have no idea how long I can hold on. I have no clue when I'll go, but I want to do my best. And I can't die without telling you several things. All this time, I’ve been so happy to get to know you and be part of your life. You already know, don't you?

 

Therefore, I wish to tell you every day that you're my happiness. If I ever forget, I'll say it right here that you've been my happiness since the first day we met. You've been a strong boy since we were young. Despite your small size, I could see the fire in your eyes on the first day. I didn't greet you back then because I was afraid you'd reject me. So, when you talked to me, I thought you were like a star.

 

I have a lot to say. I'm not sure if I've said everything, but the summary is, I want to tell you that you are and always will be an important person. In addition, I want to give you all of my stuff. The paintbrushes I bought, or our shared personal stuff. It'll all be yours. If you don't want it and are afraid you won't be able to move on, it's your right to do whatever you wish with them.

 

Honestly, I have many secrets I can't reveal to you in person, but I'll tell you in this letter. After you read it, I hope you understand what I did, every reason I came back to you, and why I refused to tell you anything. Please don't be mad after reading it.

 

I came back to you because I was diagnosed with a fatal disease, an incurable brain tumour. I'd stayed in England for a year and a half and flew back to spend the rest of my time here. I did everything I wanted to, spending time with my parents and fulfilling my wishes, like trying new food and visiting my dream places. You were my last destination, and I planned to be with you until my last day. I called Ning to ask where you were and found out you went to the university by the sea of your choice.

 

Ning was the only one who knew everything about me, and I contacted her without your knowledge. If anything happened to me first, Ning would tell you everything. I hope she wasn't the one doing that. I was afraid you'd forgotten me, so I told Ning to ask if you were dating anyone. When I knew you weren't, I was overjoyed.

 

I moved to Son's residence to be close to you. But since I didn't know if you still had feelings for me, I asked Tong for help. Please don't hold a grudge against him.

Since my time was running out, I asked everyone to pressure you to realise your feelings. I'm sorry. Moreover, I never went to that university. I never applied there. I wasn't a political science student. I wore the student uniform to get closer to you, be in the same university as you, and see from afar if you were okay and doing well. I never attended any classes or studied because I couldn't make sense of anything, and there was no reason to keep studying. I pretended to study in your room to be closer to you. I wanted to see every day of every second with you. I'm sorry for never telling you.

 

I joined the art club to learn how to paint so I could paint the sea for you as a gift before I die. It's because you love painting so much. I wanted it to be a gift reflecting my effort. But the effort was a bit messy since I couldn't finish it before I lost my ability to perceive colours.

 

I asked Fou to force you to participate in the contest because I wanted you to take something seriously. I didn't want you to ruin your future. I'd feel horrible. I told Fou about the lipstick, then he told Dalha, and then she passed it on to you to give you the idea. I didn't expect her to kiss you. I felt so awful that iwent out to drink and got home wasted. Back then, iassumed you'd start a relationship with Dalha. I'm truly sorry for having such a thought.

 

There were many things that didn't go as planned. You might've thought some of my actions were irrational, but I simply wondered what you were thinking. If you hated me, I would give up and leave. When you said you didn't hate me, it gave me the will to live longer. I wanted to take care of you, protect you, and be your happiness.

 

I actually told Ning to take us out during the school break. But sometimes you looked tired, so I didn't want her to pressure you too much. Regardless, I wished to spend every second happily, so I wanted to take you everywhere and be with you every day.

 

I'm sorry I never told you I paid for all your expenses. Since I wanted you to study the subject of your interest, I secretly gave Ning my money to transfer to Sorn, and Sorn used it to pay your tuition fees and food expenses.

 

You might've believed 1 left without reaching out to you, but I actually went to your place every day after you'd quit school. But because your mom wouldn't let you see me, I was so miserable that my mom sent me to England. I had a feeling you'd be furious, so I never called you. I'm sorry.

 

When I looked at you like that, it wasn't because I hated you. I just didn't want you to be abused by your family. That was why I was scared to go to you. That was the greatest mistake in my life, and I'm really sorry.

 

One more thing. What I meant to say when we were locked up in the kitchen was, 'Let's make up.'

 

I did everything to be close to you, be by your side, and become part of your life. I'm sorry for never telling you about all of this. It might sound selfish. The closer I was to you, the more I greedily wished for more time. That was why I said nothing and even played basketball, thinking it would increase my time if I grew stronger. In the end, I was fooling myself. I wanted to hug you and kiss you. I missed you. But I was too scared to say or do anything, so I waited until I felt the most confident. After kissing you that day, I went back to my room and cried because I didn't want to lose those lips. I love your lips.

 

Now that we're here, I'm not sure if I miswrote or missed anything, but it's all the truth. Everyone around you, be it Ning, Tong, or Fou, knew I didn't have much time left. That was why they all pushed you to reveal your honest feelings. Sorry.

 

I'm sorry for forgetting what we did in Bangkok. I'm sorry for slowly forgetting everything around me. Despite that, I'm fighting against my brain for one thing: I'll never forget about you. No matter how vague it is, I'll never forget your name.

 

I'm sorry for possibly saying this too late. I'm sorry for never telling you anything. know you must be so angry that you're shaking. But since you'd always been a stubborn boy-the most stubborn in the world-never listened to anyone, and always assumed things, you could've hated me even more if I came clean to you. This gave you time to get ready. I didn't want you to be hurt over and over until your heart broke. I like it when you're stubborn, though. It's cute.

 

I'm sorry I didn't have more time to make you happier. I'm sorry, I can no longer protect you. I'm sorry if I've ever upset or hurt you. I'm sorry for breaking my promise to be with you. I'm sorry I can't stay to witness how your future unfolds. I'm sorry for not telling you the truth. I'm sorry for making you cry. I'm sorry, Kieng. After I'm gone, please don't hold on to me. I hope you move on. I want you to begin again. You have a bright future ahead of you, and I hope to see you happy again. I hope you find someone who can take care of you because I don't have a chance to do that. I'm sorry. If you miss me, look at the stars, and you'll see me there. I'll watch you from the sky.

Be happy, Kingdao. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for greeting me that day. Thank you for reading with me, even if you weren't a fan of reading. Thank you for holding my hand when I felt weak. Thank you for making me see the value of my life. Thank you for shining in the dark. Thank you for making me laugh. Thank you for taking care of me and always protecting me. Thank you for making me this strong. Thank you for everything. I love you, Kieng. I love you like the first day. I love you every day.

 

You're the most beautiful star in my life. Your pretty eyes, small nose, and cute lips that I love.

I love you dearly.

Goodbye.

Take good care of yourself.

Kiengdao'

 

My tears stream down my face, dripping onto the note, already stained by the writer's tears. No matter how you look at it, this is a goodbye letter, but it feels like I'm getting to know 'Khobket' again.

 

I trace the pen letters with my fingers. Ket could've typed it or chosen something more convenient than handwriting all of this, yet he wouldn't. He refused to record a video because he didn't want me to see him sad or crying. He refused to make an audio recording because he was worried his trembling voice would dishearten me. Instead, he wrote each letter just to leave the last trace of his existence in this note. Ket's thoughtfulness never fails to impress me, even when he's gone.

 

His tear stains are visible, proving that Ket was crying while writing this letter, and it reminds me that he's not gone. He's still here on this piece of paper. And in my heart. His head was occupied with everything about my life. Every action of mine was in his eyes. Now that I've read the letter, it feels like I've missed so many things. Nonetheless, I regret nothing. At least I've done something. 

 

I stayed with Ket until his last day. I spent time with him. Even if it was short, we were so happy. I've never been angry with him. My heart has been saying this since day one. I regret nothing because I've done everything to the best of my ability. Right now, I just miss him so much. I look up at the stars and smile faintly, hoping someone sees it. If Ket is up there...

 

"I've never been mad at you."

 

Among hundreds of stars in the sky, I spot the brightest star. The person who loved stars is now with the other stars up there.

 

"Rest in peace, Ket."

Thank you for everything.

My good boy.

#StarScope