It's cold. I snuggle up into the arms of the sleeping man next to me. Ket's chest heaves gently under my palm. This morning is unusually freezing, making me curl up. Even though Ket is by my side, I feel no warmth from him. I sit up at the thought and feel a twinge of pain before everything. I shake Ket's body gently.

 

"Wake up."

 

No response from the sleeping guy. I shift in this small tent, with only pillows and a thin blanket. I turn to Ket, who sleeps soundly, and notice something strange. His pink, healthy lips are now visibly pale.

 

"Ket."

 

I shake the man who remains still. He doesn't groan or get up to grumble. I shake him again before doing it harder.

 

"Ket, wake up."

 

Ket doesn't move an inch.

 

"This is not funny. Wake up now!"

 

I hit his broad chest with my fists this time. My eyes are brimming with tears again after drying up yesterday.

 

"Ket, wake up...Wake up."

 

My colourful heart is consumed by darkness in the blink of an eye. Ket won't wake up. 'Why didn't you tell me anything?' I yelled at the boy my age in front of me, clenching my fists, my body tensing up from anger. He diverts his fierce eyes away as if hiding his weakness from me.

 

'I didn't want to worry you.'

 

‘You should've at least called me when you got admitted to the hospital. Don't just disappear.'

 

Ket's body was covered in bandages. I wouldn't have known where he got all the wounds had Ning not told me he got beaten up by those seniors. I had no clue why he'd missed school for a week.

 

I'm sorry: 

 

'Did you plan to tell me as a ghost after death?'

 

'King.' The boy's teary eyes slowly alleviated my infuriation. I walked closer to Ket and observed those wounds.

 

'I'm sorry I couldn't protect you.'

 

I would've been of some help had I been there.

 

'See? You're overthinking it again.'

 

'If only I'd been there..'

 

'You wouldn't have been able to help me. They were much bigger than us. You would've hurt yourself for nothing.'

 

"Id do it if it could make them leave you alone.'

 

That was why I didn't want to tell you. I knew you'd blame yourself for failing to protect me.'

 

"I know you love me. I love you, too. I don't want you to be hurt because of me.'

 

I stand in front of the VIP recovery room and slide the door open in exhaustion. The man who used to be in a student uniform or a tee and basketball shorts is now in a patient gown. Ket gazes out the window. On the nightstand beside the bed is a bouquet Sorn left before he excused himself to talk to Ning outside.

 

After finding out Ket wasn't awake, I called Ning right away. Ket was sent to the hospital in Bang Saen for an initial examination. Ning insisted that he must be transferred to the hospital in Bangkok this time due to his complicated symptoms. Consequently, I'm currently in a private hospital that's more expensive than a hotel room.

 

I sink into the couch next to the patient's bed, my eyes on the pale face of the man before me. How funny. We slept together on the rooftop last night, then we moved to the hospital. And due to his rapidly worsening condition, he'd fainted too many times in a few hours, he has been admitted to the hospital for safety in case he's knocked out again.

"Sorry. You have to see me in this state at last." The man on the patient's bed offers me a faint smile.

 

"It's no big deal. We're lovers. We take care of each other when sick."

 

"How cute."

 

Knock, knock.

Someone knocks on the door before we say anything more. The door is slid open, revealing a familiar middle-aged woman and man. I greet Ket's parents. The way they look at me is gentle, unlike back then. They no longer consider me a stranger. Ket's mother gives her son a hug and strokes his cheek.

 

"How are you feeling, dear?"

 

"Good."

 

"What did the doctor say?"

 

"I need to stay here to watch for symptoms for a while."

 

His mother goes silent. She kisses her son's head softly.

 

"I love you."

 

She retreats from her son and steps toward me. The smile on her face is gentler than usual, yet it hides the unreadable pain inside. She hands me a bag from the famous tart bakery, and I accept it out of courtesy.

 

"Thank you."

 

"Thank you for taking care of Ket, Kieng."

 

No. I haven't done anything. Ket's mother suddenly hugs me, gently patting my head.

 

"I'm sorry for everything. Please don't think of anything right now and just be by Ket's side."

 

My eyes feel hot like I'm about to cry again. Since I don't want to worry anyone, I try to hold back my tears.

 

"Okay."

 

"You can stay here for as long as you wish. Tell me if you need anything."

 

"Thank you."

 

"I'll talk to the doctor," she tells her son after releasing me, then leads his father out of the room. Though he didn't say anything, I could sense that he no longer held any grudges against me.

 

"I thought she'd be mad." I sit next to the patient's bed. The view from this floor is amazing. No wonder it's freaking expensive.

 

"She's never been angry with you."

 

"How could she not be with that glare?"

 

"She was mad at your mom."

 

"Why?"

 

"Because your mom was cruel to a little boy like you. My mom didn't allow me to talk to you that day because your mom called her and threatened to kill you if I still mingled with you."

 

I go silent. Several things in the past gradually show how prejudiced I was against Ket's family.

 

"I'm sorry for misjudging your mom."

 

"It's okay."

 

Ket props his hand on my head and ruffles my hair.

 

"My happiness is hers. That's why she let me come back to you."

"You said you fought with your mom."

 

Ket's face goes blank.

 

"Did I say that?"

 

He forgot, didn't he?

 

"Yeah."

 

"I see. I'm sorry."

 

"Why?"

 

"I forgot."

 

Ket's words are short and clear. Not pressing on, I stay beside him and lean my head on his broad shoulder. His left hand is hooked up to an IV drip. I stroke the back of his hand in worry.

 

Ning told me in the car that Ket's condition was getting worse. My sister said it's a brain disorder. The early symptoms are unusual sleepiness and depression, followed by forgetfulness. You'll start forgetting your daily routine and things. If it gets worse, you'll have temporary short-term memory loss. The worst is sudden collapses.

 

Ning didn't tell me what the disease was or the treatment options. She simply reassured me that Ket would be safe in the doctor's hands. But, even though she said the word 'safe,' her sorrowful gaze couldn't console me.

 

I stopped questioning everything at the moment Ket fainted in my arms. Back then, my heart was empty like a square box I'd locked myself in. It wasn't caving in at that time. It enveloped me.

 

"Do you want to eat anything? I'll go get it."  I ask the man who's only grown big physically. His body is too frail. I doubt he can walk.

 

"No. I want to watch a cartoon."

 

"Which one?"

 

The man beside me smiles.

 

"Tom and Jerry."

 

I search for Tom and Jerry on my phone before settling next to him on the bed. We're side by side, watching a cat catch a mouse. But I know neither of us pays attention to the cartoon.

 

I sit in the hospital lobby with a can of coffee in my hands, gazing at the dusky evening sky. I miss the colours in Bang Saen. I miss the sound of the waves crashing on the beach. I miss the wind chime at the entrance of Sorn's restaurant. I miss the door-slamming sound from the two seniors. I miss Mee's cooking. I miss my good times on the rooftop with Ket. I miss the time Ket moved to the residence. I miss when he stayed with me while I worked. I miss when Ket made me coffee.

 

But now, I'm watching patients walking past each other in the hospital. Ket's parents asked me to wait outside while the doctor examined him from 5 pm. It's past six already, but my phone still doesn't buzz. Ning chose to stay in front of his room to see what the doctor would decide, while Sorn went out to get some food, leaving me alone.

 

Tong called me in the afternoon to get updates about Ket's condition. I didn't know how to answer, so I copied Ning and told him Ket should be safe in the doctor's hands. Right. Ket will be safe.

 

I received a call from Ning at half past six saying I could return to the room. I drag my heavy body to the elevator and walk across the polished floor. Even though the hospital's amenities are on par with a hotel's, it's a hospital. I can't smile brightly amid sick people.

 

I slide the door open to find Ket's parents already gone. Ning looks out the window with her arms crossed as Ket sleeps on the bed.

 

"Go home and rest. I'll take care of him."

 

I stand by my sister. She wraps her arm around me and pulls me close.

 

"Promise me one thing."

 

"Yeah."

 

"No matter what happens, don't blame yourself."

 

"Why would I?"

 

"Because I know you." Her words leave me speechless.

 

Everyone says I have repetitive behaviours and always blame myself when things don't work out.

 

"Believe you've done your best. It will be a bit rough later on. Keep smiling, okay?"

 

"Won't you tell me what's wrong with him?"

 

"I think Ket should be the one telling you, but you can't do anything anyway. It's the doctor's job."

 

Right.

 

"You just have to cheer for Ket, okay?"

 

Ning says that, kisses my head, then collects her stuff and excuses herself to get some rest, leaving me with Ket. It amuses me how Ning continuously dropped Ket and me in different places as she pleased during the school break so we could spend time together. Today, she left Ket and me in the hospital.

 

Why not somewhere else? It could've been a mountain or river. I won't complain anymore. I freaking hate the hospital. The smell of the sanitiser stings my nose. I grab my clothes and toiletries and disappear into the bathroom for a while. When I come out, Ket is watching the television instead of sleeping.

 

"You up?"

 

"Um."

 

Ket hums a response.

 

"Kieng."

 

"What?" I, putting my stuff into my backpack, turn to the tall guy sitting cross-legged on the bed.

 

"Can you open the curtain?"

 

The curtain was closed after Ning left. I draw it open, revealing the starry sky. Ket seems satisfied with the night view. I get a ready-to-eat meal box from the fridge, sit next to him, and eat silently. Ket drapes his arm around my waist. There's no scent of his perfume left. I can only smell his shampoo and medicine.

 

"Kieng."

 

"Hmm?" I reply in my throat, chewing.

 

"Do you remember our school days?"

 

"Um."

 

"You came to me one day and said you liked me."

 

My face flushes red. I confessed my feelings for him that day. Why would I forget?

 

"I remember."

 

"I was stunned."

 

"Are you saying you didn't like me?"

 

"No. I liked you, too. When you said you liked me, I wanted to rush over to hug you. I held myself back because I was afraid you'd be mad."

 

"That's not an excuse, isn't it?"

 

"No," Ket laughs softly.

 

"I'd never understood what art meant, but I did when I met you."

 

"What's art to you?"

 

Ket caresses my face with his right hand and lifts my chin. His dark brown eyes stare into me. His eyes look like someone is crying inside. Ket seals my lips with his and pulls away, slowly, as if he never wishes to stop.

 

"You taste like fried rice."

I smack Ket's leg gently. Who told him to kiss me while I was eating?

 

"To me, art is your colour. When I look at your face during the sunset or under the moonlight, I wonder if I can fall for the same person this many times."

 

..."

"That's why I decided to come back to you no matter what."

 

I've never known what Ket wanted all this time. Be it his return or his attempt to make me fall in love with him again. We've never talked about our status because we never really broke up. We just disappeared from each other.

 

My happiness was short-lived, given the time we spent together when we were young, so I decided to let go of my fear and be happy, making up for the lost time. In the end, however, I return to the painful time. It's like an endless circle.

 

"So, I wish you were happy upon my return."

 

"I am happy."

 

"But I'm making you suffer."

 

"Get well soon, then, so I can be happy again."

 

"I can't." I frown at the man beside me.

 

"Why?"

 

"You wish to know why I'm back, right?"

 

Ket's low voice is soft, like the wind whispering in my ears. He switches his gaze to the window, looking at the stars all over the pitch-black sky. Ket takes my hand, squeezing it gently as if he doesn't even have the strength to hold me back.

 

"..."

".."

 

"I'm dying."