I wipe the sweat off my chin and look at the artwork in front of me proudly. It's 95% complete now, after weeks of effort for the contest. Despite the unbearable exhaustion from the upcoming exam season and school break, I need to finish it. This will help the art club survive. I'm grateful that no one bothered me while I worked on it. 

 

Ning called me to catch up with me sometimes and brought me food once in a while since she had moved to her apartment. Sorn and Mee also made up. I gulp down water. My lips have been chapped lately and hurt from getting wiped and applied with lipstick daily. Several times a day. The canvas isn't soft. When I pressed my lips on it, they stung.

 

I stretch left and right to relieve myself and glance at the man studying behind me. Even though he said he needed to study for the exam, he's been zoning out more often. He sometimes didn't even respond to me, as if his mind drifted somewhere far away.

 

I touch Ket's neck as he stares at the thick book. He hasn't turned the page for an hour now. Feeling my cold palm, Ket realises he's spacing out again.

 

"What's wrong? You've been reading this page for an hour."

 

It seems Ket didn't know he was spacing out. He offers me a dry smile.

 

"Ive studied too much. My brain isn't working."

 

"Are you okay? Why don't you get some rest?"

 

"It's okay."

 

His low voice eases my worry to some extent. We've barely left the residence since the exam is approaching. On weekends, Ket would wake up early and study in my room. On weekdays, he would visit me at night. When he was tired, he would go to bed and not show up.

 

"Don't force yourself."

 

"Having you by my side is enough."

 

"Well, I'm not going anywhere."

 

I ruffle the hair of the man with gorgeous eyes and return to sit in front of the canvas. I have to submit my artwork at the end of next week, which is also the end of the final exam season. Once school is over, we'll travel to Bangkok to submit the piece and might visit multiple attractions along the way. The more I think about it, the more excited I get. Has Bangkok changed? Are there new malls?

 

"I'll go get coffee. Do you want it?" Ket asks, standing up.

 

"I want Fanta."

 

"Okay."

 

Ket leaves about ten minutes later, and the phone on the end of the bed buzzes. I divert my eyes from the canvas and sit on my bed before grabbing Ket's phone to check the caller.

 

‘Don't pick up'

 

Huh?

 

Hundreds of questions flood my mind. Who is 'Don't pick up'? A girl? Or who? His new lover? I answer the call with scepticism. A woman's voice makes my heart drop.

 

[Ket, son.]

 

Ket's mother...

 

[Why didn't you pick up my calls? When will you come home? I'm worried about you. Hello..Ket?]

 

The door opens, and Ket charges forward to snatch his phone from me. He glares at me in infuriation. Ket hangs up without saying anything to his mother, and we hold each other's gazes in silence. Until I speak first...again.

 

"You said you fought with your mom."

 

".." Ket gives no response. He stands still and averts his eyes.

 

"Are you lying?"

 

"I'm not lying. We fought."

 

I press my lips together tightly and stare deeply into his soul.

 

"She just wants me to go home."

 

"And you will, right? You'll leave me again, won't you?"

 

Ket shakes his head and sits beside me. He clasps my hands in his warm palms.

 

"I won't."

 

Fear consumes my heart again.

 

"I won't go back."

 

"Are you sure? Don't you love your mom? You'll go back if she tells you to, right?"

 

My hidden weakness slowly crawls out.

 

"I won't. I promise to be with you and redeem myself."

 

"Then don't keep secrets from each other, okay?"

 

"Okay."

 

The huge guy embraces me, stroking my hair with his warm hand. I clutch Ket's shirt, wrinkling it. For a second, I wonder why Ket's embrace holds no certainty. It feels like he's going to disappear again, and it terrifies me.

 

A green sign with white letters. We're reaching Bangkok in a few minutes. Finally, it's the school break. I keep my eyes glued to my artwork on the backseat of the massive Fortuner. The car bounces constantly. I'm scared the framed canvas will break before we arrive in Bangkok. I suggested to Fou that we should deliver it, but he said he could never leave this masterpiece to the delivery company.

 

There are five of us on this Bangkok trip. Me, Ket, Fou, Mi, and Dalha. Mi declined at first as she was afraid to sleep alone. When I knew Dalha was coming, I invited our Daisy girl again. All five of us decided to book a hotel near the contest venue, as it would be convenient and close to the BTS station.

 

Since the day Ket's mother called, he's been agitated. His mind drifted off far out of my reach very often. Even though he talks to his mother again, he doesn't seem to be planning to leave, which is a relief. If he leaves, I'll resent him to the core. Just wait and see.

 

"You can get some rest, Kieng. We'll talk about the contest later."

 

Before heading to the hotel, we stopped by the venue to set up our piece, worried it'd break if we carried it around. It took over an hour. We checked everything and talked to the host. By the time we arrived at our accommodation, we were all knackered.

 

We split into our rooms once we're at the hotel. Fou stays alone. Mi and Dalha share a room. Ket and I are together. I step into our room. My eyes pop out at the single bed in the centre of the room. Fou lied to me that the room had double beds. Damn it!

 

I drop my backpack on the bed and lie down in exhaustion. I don't care anymore if it's a single bed or not. The trip was tiring, especially since Fou was the driver. I tensed up the whole time. The cool air from the AC and the soft mattress, the feelings I've never experienced, are incredibly relaxing. Remembering that the evil club president is waiting for me, I say goodbye to this soft bed.

 

I stick my head into the bathroom to see the man checking himself in the mirror. His dark circles are much lighter. Now that he doesn't have to study hard, he looks more decent. Ket smiles at me through the reflection in the mirror, walks over, and kisses my lips all of a sudden. I jerk back.

 

"What the hell?"

 

“I kissed you."

 

"No. Why did you kiss me?" I'm shocked.

 

"Your lips are right here in my way."

 

Ket hums happily out of the bathroom and lies on the bed in a good mood, leaving me blushing in front of the bathroom. How mean. He kisses me whenever he wants. This is unacceptable.

 

I rub my lips gently and exit the room. I knock on Fou's door for a while before he opens it. Wasn't he the one telling me to talk to him? His hair is all dishevelled. He must've been asleep.

 

"The Noneternal Kiss Marks."

 

Fou repeats the name of the piece.

 

"Try presenting it. Why did you choose kiss marks?"

 

I explain to Fou for the zillionth time why I chose kiss marks and shades of red. No matter how many times I do it, I keep thinking of when Dalha kissed me, and Ket got mad. Tong had to help us reconcile, and I broke down.

 

That was the day I decided not to care about anything anymore. As if. I'm still overthinking it because I'm still scared.

 

"Um, that's good. But let me ask you something."

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Why did you make this picture when you were happy?" Fou looks at me from his bed with his chin in his hand. 

 

"I don't know. It just came up."

 

"How are things with Ket?" I knew it. Fou didn't call me over to practice the presentation. He just wanted to know about Ket and me because we didn't exchange a word throughout our trip here besides 'Are you hungry?', 'Do you need to take a leak?',  'Are you tired?, 'Are you sleepy?' We talked like robots.

 

"Good."

 

"Your face says otherwise."

 

"How can you read me so well?"

 

"You're my bro."

 

I purse my lips at the club president, who knows everything except Mi's feelings.

 

"I'm afraid he'll leave me again."

 

"Why?"

 

"His mom called and asked him to go home."

 

Fou sighs. He shifts his body to talk to me properly.

 

"Listen, Kieng. Moms and lovers are different. It's normal for moms to be worried about their children."

 

"But I'm scared he won't come back again."

 

"He fought with his mom to be with you despite how much he loves her. Isn't that obvious, Kieng? What do you want him to do? Cutting ties with her the way you did with your mom?"

 

I'm taken aback. Fou's words knock some sense into me. Right. Why couldn't I think of this? Why did I keep wondering if Ket would leave me when he was still here? Why did I become this selfish?

 

"If you're scared, tell him. Be honest. Don't stop him from talking to his mom. Don't stop him from going back to her. Seriously, if you were still on good terms with your mom and I refused to let you return to her out of fear of being abandoned, how would you feel?"

 

"I'd hate that."

 

"Yeah. If it's just you, be as selfish as you wish. But if there are two people, you can't be selfish like before, Kieng."

 

"Yeah. Thanks, bro."

 

I thank Fou and drag my heavy body back to my room. In the medium-sized square room with a bed big enough for two grown men, Ket is lying on his side on the mattress. The television plays Tom and Jerry, Ket's favourite show, but I don't find it entertaining. I sit on the bed and cast my gaze on the curling man.

 

I think I'm becoming crueller to this man by the day. Now that he's here, the closer we are, the more I hope he won't leave again because my wound is still fresh. However, I'm giving him a new wound. Even if I don't want Ket to be hurt, I'm actually the one afraid to be hurt. I touch Ket's cheek softly. He slowly opens his eyes and cracks a faint smile.

 

"Tired?"

 

"Yeah. A little."

 

"Go back to sleep. I'll wake you up to have dinner."

 

"Okay," he agrees in a low voice before closing his eyes. I kiss his forehead gently.

 

"I'm sorry for being selfish."

 

7 pm.

I'm freaking sleepy. I rub my eyes and yawn after they woke me up to eat. Ket and I plod out of the room, drowsy. I don't remember when I fell asleep. Before I knew it, I slept by Ket's side. Mi and Dalha are dressed similarly today, like sisters. One wears a tee and shorts, while the other is in a football shirt and shorts. It's cute. I've never seen Mi and Dalha in casual clothes before. Well, of course. We only saw each other in student uniforms. We're going to have a meal in a market in Bangkok, so it's better to dress practically.

 

Ket and I are also in tees and shorts. Only Fou goes beyond casual. He wears a sleeveless shirt with the soccer shorts paired with Dalha's shirt. They wouldn't buy separate ones; they'd simply share them. These siblings are weird.

 

The three of them chatter away while waiting for a taxi. Ket and I remain at the back, competing to find who. can yawn harder? Oddly enough, Fou brought his car but refused to use it. He said it would be a waste of gas considering the traffic congestion in Bangkok, yet he didn't mind paying hundreds for a taxi ride. When I suggested we take the Skytrain, he insisted on going to this market. The club president's logic is unbelievable. Sometimes I understand why a good-looking guy like him has no girls. He talks nonsense.

 

"I can't see any stars," whispers the man gazing up at the sky. You can't see the stars in Bangkok as clearly as in other provinces. Soon, a taxi takes us to a night market. We have night markets in Bang Saen, but we've never visited them, so we decided to go to one in Bangkok instead.

 

"Did you and Ket get back together?" Dalha asks after Fou drags Ket to the grilled-squid vendor, leaving me with Dalha and Mi, who's amazed by the cup of boba tea as big as Fou's head.

 

"No."

 

"Hmm? What do you mean? You're together but not lovers?"

 

"Something like that." Dalha hums in her throat.

 

"But you love each other."

 

"Yeah."

 

"Then why do you look sad?" Here's another person catching me not being bright since we arrived in Bangkok. I put on a dry smile and flick my eyes to the tall guy, looking confused by Fou's side.

 

"I hurt him."

 

"How?"

 

"I was selfish. I wanted him to always be by my side."

 

"Is that bad? You were dumped. It's normal to feel that way."

 

"It turned out to be hurting him. He expressed his feelings toward me, but, deep down, I was scared he'd leave me again. So, I used the past as an excuse all the time."

 

"Is that so? I see."

 

The small girl beside me picks a meatball with a stick and puts it in her mouth. Chewing, she feeds me one. I take a bite obediently.

 

"Some memories should be tossed away, Kieng. He's already with you. There's nothing to worry about."

 

"Yeah."

 

"Even if there is, you can get through it!" Mi squeezes between us with a giant boba tea she queued for. The Daisy girl's bright smile colours the world pink in an instant.

 

"No worries, Kieng. Dalha, Fou, and I are rooting for you."

 

Right. Right now, I'm not all alone like before.

 

"Goodness, you always worry me."

 

"Sorry."

 

"Instead of overthinking it, live happily and to the fullest like before. It's better than wondering if he'll leave again. You're such a child, Kieng."

 

Dalha takes Mi to Fou, letting me walk with Ket like earlier. We can see the stars at the market better than in front of the hotel. I have to credit those three with knocking sense into me. I didn't do what I wanted out of fear, covering my eyes with the past and hurting Ket's feelings even more. Our hands brush as we walk, but we don't hold them. I slightly touch his little finger with mine to remind us

that we're together.

 

"Do you want to eat anything?" Ket asks in a low voice when we walk past a gyoza vendor. I stop to look at the light-brown, delicious-looking gyoza, then order two boxes for Fou and the girls.

 

"Kieng, are you worried?"

 

I switch my gaze to the man munching on grilled squid. The sight vexes me. I seize his hand as he sticks a piece of grilled squid into his mouth and pull it into mine instead. This young master used to berate me for talking while eating, but he's blatantly doing it now.

 

"You're talking while eating. No manners."

 

"It's yummy." Ket smiles so brightly that his eyes are closed. The sweet-and-sour taste, with the greasiness and softness of grilled squid, rolls in my mouth. Seeing my satisfied expression, Ket can't help but tease me.

 

"It's good, isn't it?"

 

"Yeah."

 

We have grilled squid in Bang Saen. Why do we have to eat it in Bangkok? I'm confused.

 

"I want to see your smile more than your sad face."

 

"Sorry."

 

"Don't be. You're not wrong to be afraid of being abandoned. I hurt you. That's why I wish to build new memories to make you forget how I looked at you. You'll remember new things instead."

 

"No." I scowl at Ket.

 

No way. I can't forget our memories.

 

"Why?"

 

"Our memories contain many happy moments. When we spent time together, when we played together, and when we laughed joyfully together." Ket casts a soft smile and looks up at the sky as if hiding his weak expression.

 

"Then remember only when you were happy, okay?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"As long as you're happy, that's enough."

 

Ket and I walk side by side, but it feels different this time. I lock his little finger with mine. Without looking at me, he moves his little finger slightly in acknowledgement. Warmth forms itself amid the crowded market. All this time, I've been worried about this and that. Isn't it obvious? When Tong kissed Ket, I kicked up a big fuss, telling him not to touch what was mine. My feelings have always been clear that I still love Ket. However, fear stopped me from doing something about it.

 

I'm done. I'm no longer scared. Even if I feel unsure and in doubt...It's okay to feel like that. As long as I'm with Ket and Ket is with me......That's enough.