"Mm."

 

Tired is the first feeling after I wake up. I try to stretch with my eyes half-closed, but I can't move. It's like I'm being held by something. When I turn around, I find the answer with the breath hitting my face. The sharp nose and familiar lips that I've kissed dozens of times.

 

..Ket.

Ba-dump.

 

My heart races right in the morning, knowing too well to quicken the pace when this man is close. I've become a dead log. 

 

What is this? What happened? Why is Ket sleeping on my bed? Why are we

squeezing against each other in this tiny bed? Why is he in my room? Why are we hugging each other? My head is full of whys.

 

What happened last night slowly pieces together. He brought me porridge and read a book. I grab the towel on my forehead to check, and it's clear. Nothing can ever be clearer than this. High definition.

 

I took his hand and held his arm. I can't deny it since I initiated all that. Ket might be by my side right now because I pulled him. Regret and embarrassment spread all over my face. Were you that drowsy, Kieng?

 

I try to get out of Ket's embrace. He's still sound asleep. I'll leave and tell him later, 'You woke up late,' when I actually don't want to face him right now. I'm not afraid of being awkward around him, but I'm afraid of making that strange face despite myself again.

 

"Mm."

When I'm about to remove his arm from my belly, Ket cries out. I tug my hand back. Is he up? Is he up?!!

 

I turn my head toward the man sleeping soundly as if he's so happy to rest here.

Seriously, how many times has he slept in his own room since he moved here?

 

I notice the unusually dark circles under his eyes. It's no surprise. If he's been taking care of me all night, he's bound to be exhausted. He must be worried because I feel worse than others when sick.

 

Wait...

I'm being delusional again. He's not worried about me. He might be taking care of me, as Ning said. He still contacts my sister, after all. It's nothing special. Don't read too much into it.

 

But the more I recall what happened last night, the more I keep thinking about it. That's all it takes to make everything flood into my head. I've been suppressing my feelings, but with a tiny single crack, those memories gush back like a river.

 

I'd always longed to be cared for by my family. Since Ning was the only one taking care of me, I felt happy every time I got sick. I even lied that I got sick when I felt terrible because I wanted Ning to stay with me longer. 

 

After I met Ket, he'd always looked out for me since we were young. But due to his frail body, Ket couldn't do anything besides being a good nurse for me. He tended to me when I had a fever. He treated my wounds when I got bullied physically.

 

Ning even teased him numerous times about going to medical school so he could take care of me. However, Ket had always wished to study political science.

 

I look at the man sleeping like a log and slowly turn around to snuggle into the warmth I've longed for. Since the day we stopped talking, I've forgotten how warm Ket's embrace was. As he's a man with a faint blue aura oozing from his body, I always stare at him, captivated, every time we're close.

 

I like blue, especially ocean blue and Ket's Smurf blue. Pressing my lips together, I slowly rest my forehead on that broad chest. Just one minute. One minute and that's it, I promise.

 

My forehead touches Ket's chest. All the heat in my body rushes up to my face in a matter of seconds. My heart pounds, threatening to jump out of my chest, and the other guy's heart beats as fast as mine.

 

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. My head is full of those words.

 

For a second. For a second, I wish to give no fuck about others. I want to hug this man. I want to kiss him on the lips. I want to kiss him on the cheek. I want to do everything. I want to love Ket again.

 

"Are you trying to take advantage of me in my sleep?"

 

The low voice startles me. Ket is suddenly awake. Besides, he grabs the back of my neck and pulls me into his embrace so hard my nose hits his chest. Here you go, Kieng. You've got to kiss his chest now.

 

I have millions of cussing words in my head to throw at him and push him away, but I can't do it. I've lost all my fight when we're so close, my limbs becoming feeble. Not to mention the smell of his perfume on his shirt.

 

God, help me.

 

Ket presses his sharp nose on my head, and I can feel his warm breath on my hair. In this quiet room, I hear his heartbeat going, 'Thump, thump,' in the left side of his chest. It's the same as mine. My heart will soon pop out to reveal the hidden truth.

 

None of us backs off. We refuse to say, 'Let go,' first. And we refuse to move away. I almost fainted from holding my breath and needed to gasp for air. My body feels hot. The fever must be back.

 

"Kieng." The soft, raspy voice in my ear makes me realise I'm in danger. He is a tiger waiting to devour its prey. Despite the warning, the prey can't get away. Our emotions are out of control. No guilt. No thoughts.

 

Ket's lips inch closer to mine, so close that I can feel his warm breath. The smell of coffee shows he drank it to keep himself up to take care of me. A few centimetres until he bites my lip.

 

Knock, knock.

That's it. What a godsend. We retreat in opposite directions. I escape into the bathroom, shut the door, and plop on the floor. The sauna-like heat makes me feel like fainting. What the hell were we doing? Had the knocks come any later, it would've gone too far.

 

"Oh, Ket. Where's Kieng?" That's Sorn's voice from the door. I clutch my shaking heart in silence.

 

"Taking a shower."

 

"Is he feeling better? I made congee for both of you. Come eat downstairs after showering."

 

"Thank you."

 

The conversation ends. Only silence remains.

 

"Kieng."

 

I give no reply, burying my face in my knees to calm my wild emotions. The awful feeling washes over me, burning my eyes. A teardrop falls down on my sleeve.

 

"Are you okay?"

 

I stifle a sob in my throat, praying Ket leaves. We did that on a whim. There was nothing more than that. Nothing, really.

 

"I'm going back to my room."

 

This is my first time feeling grateful to Ket. As soon as I heard the door shut, I burst into tears.

 

My heart stings in my chest as if someone is twisting it. All the horrible memories flood my mind. Ket's parents' expression, my father whipping me with a belt, the dark, narrow cupboard under the stairs, and Ket turning away from me without a word.

 

'Ket.'

I was over the moon to see Ket after classes since I'd believed we would never talk again. My legs carried me toward the boy, who often got me complaining about how he got tall too fast. Before I could say anything, Ning seized my arm.

 

'No.'

My sister gripped my wrist. My body was covered in bandages after getting whipped by the belt, but I went to school because I wanted to see Ket. I lied to the teacher that I'd fallen off a motorbike.

 

Ket glanced at me with the pain in his eyes that I couldn't comprehend. His parents advanced toward their son at the moment they spotted me. They cast their disgusted eyes on me as if I were worth no more than a piece of trash.

 

‘Let's go, son.'

 

His mother took his hand and led him away, but what hurt more was...Ket never asked if I was hurt. Ket simply turned his head. We never talked again after that day. A few days later, my parents pulled me out of school.

 

From that day on, I told myself we all loved our parents. Ket wasn't wrong for listening to him, but he could've just asked if I was hurt. He didn't do it. He wasn't in his classroom when I went there, as if he was avoiding me. Even when I quit school, he didn't care.

 

I went home and cried alone in my room. I wished to talk to someone but couldn't. The worst thing was I'd spaced out for days. Eventually, I decided to let go. I'd let go of everything and run away to live alone quietly by the sea. Finally, freedom was mine.

 

FWIP.

The tenth canvas is torn and tossed on the floor, possibly followed by the eleventh. I was thinking of an idea for the contest, yet my canvases were filled with sadness. I painted them all in black until my hands turned black as well.

 

Due to the coldness oozing from my body, no one approaches me. Even Mi sticks by Fou's side, letting me vent on my own.

 

Kieng is transforming into a dark cloud, with lightning ready to strike anyone who dares to come close. I can't think of anything. My brain is full of nonsense.

 

Eventually giving up, I leave the club before sunset and sit on the empty ground floor of the department building. When a girl settles next to me, I realise I've been zoning out.

 

"You're spacing out again." Dalha smiles at me sweetly. Thank you for not asking what's wrong.

 

"Yeah."

 

"That's classic Kieng. I'm not surprised," she says with a giggle.

 

I wish I could laugh, but it won't come out. We both sit quietly in the breeze on the ground floor. Suddenly, Dalha applies lipstick. I stare at her beautifully shaped lips, forgetting how inappropriate it is.

 

"Looking at me like that, do you want someone or want to kiss me?"

That straightforward question doesn't faze me. Dalha has always been frank.

 

"Just looking. Your lips are pretty."

 

That's a lie. Compared to this, Ket's lips are thinner. I prefer those. I yank my hair in frustration for thinking of the shape of Ket's lips instead of paying attention to the person beside me, but she seemingly misunderstands my reaction.

 

Dalha touches my thigh with her slender hand and pulls my neck with the other before kissing me gently on the lips. quickly push her off in alarm, then look around to see if anyone has seen us. When I'm sure there's no one, I let out a sigh of relief.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

Dalha laughs as if she's not mad to be kissed. No. She kissed me.

 

"I know you're not into girls."

 

"Then why did you kiss me?"

 

What kind of trick is she trying to pull?

 

"I heard from Fou that you were searching for inspiration for the contest, and I took pity on you. You've been acting like a crazy person, scowling and spacing out, unlike the Kieng I knew in the first year."

 

"What was I like back then?"

 

"You couldn't care less about anything."

 

Ah...thought was viewed positively by the former Department Princess. This knowledge is disappointing.

 

"But I fell for you because of that trait."

 

"What's the appeal?"

 

"You never overthought anything back then, unlike now."

 

I'm taken aback. Right. In the first year, I never took anything to heart. I lived through each day without caring about any silly little things. Now, I've changed into a different person, taking everything inside and not letting go of anything.

 

"Let go of what you can, Kieng. Don't overthink it too much. As for the contest."

 

Dalha fumbles in her bag and puts the lipstick she used earlier in my palm.

 

"This might spark an idea."

 

"A lipstick?"

 

"Uh-huh. I'm not suggesting you put it on and kiss the judge."

 

"Come on." Her small lips crack into a bright smile.

 

"I suppose you're familiar with kissing. Kiss marks hold more meaning than you think."

 

Dalha kisses my cheek upon saying that, and I retreat in terror. I can't believe this girl. She's a fox in the disguise of a quiet person.

 

"Why do you think I'm familiar with kissing?"

 

"I saw you kissing a guy a few times."

 

What?!

"I'm so jealous."

 

Dalha, or the evil Dalha, latest nickname I've given her-walks off cheerfully with a laugh, leaving me sitting here in the breeze like a rock.

 

I knew someone must've seen it. It wasn't a short kiss. Ket took minutes back then. I drop my eyes at the lipstick from Dalha. A red lipstick, one of the kinds a man like me can never distinguish all the shades. Are they similar to paints? If so, I can apply lipstick to art.

 

Still, I don't know how to use it for the contest. What does Dalha kissing me have to do with it? Hold up…

 

Why does Dalha know Fou? Wait, isn't Dalha the name of flowers? I googled her name, and that's it, clear as day. Dalha, or torch ginger, is the flower that Fou made for last year's contest. I still remember the sprayed pinkish-red plastic bottles in the club room. I once asked him what kind of flower it was, and he said it was a torch ginger...

 

Is that why he keeps painting torch gingers? Holy shit. But Fou has never shown his interest in Dalha despite being her senior. Sometimes when he walked past Dalha, he didn't even bat an eye. Something is off, and I need to figure it out now. Otherwise, I won't be able to sleep.

 

I run back to the club room with a lipstick and push the door open like usual. It's quiet as always. Only Fou, Mi, Aun, and the man who somehow has gotten close to Aun, considering he's sitting by his side, are present. Ket seems to be drawing something, but I don't care. I have one question.

 

"What's your relationship with Dalha?"

 

It's a casual question, like 'What did you have for a meal?' But since I'm still panting from running, my voice is high and sounds furious.

 

"Why are you mad? Are you dating her?" Fou asks in an even voice.

 

"Answer me first. What are you to Dalha?"

 

"I'm her brother."

 

The word 'brother' puts me at ease. I flick my gaze to Mi, feeling great relief. I was worried Mi would be hurt if Dalha was Fou's special person. I'm truly glad to hear the answer.

 

"Now answer me."

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Who does the lipstick mark on your face belong to?"

 

Shit...My mind was so occupied with Dalha that I forgot I had been kissed on the lips and cheek. I ignore Fou and turn to the glaring man next to Aun.

 

Ket is scarier than anything right now.