Duang With You

We sit there holding hands in silence as the end credits roll. I glance over at Quinn, who listens to the music, lost in his own thoughts. He always does this whenever we watch a movie he likes. He appreciates everything-the visuals, the colours, the script, the music. He stays until the very end, something I've never done, no matter how much I like the movie.

 

With my free hand, I grab some popcorn and pop it into my mouth, chewing as I stare at him. He starts to get annoyed, probably because I'm treating him like he's part of the movie.

 

"What is it? What did I do?"

 

"You're annoying."

 

"You say that every day."

 

"Because you're actually annoying," he grumbles, shaking off my sweaty hand as the theatre falls completely silent. The movie has ended. I grab the popcorn bucket and follow Quinn out casually.

 

Today, he wears the student uniform I ironed for him. I told him to iron it because he has a presentation, and I don't want the professor to get upset. That morning, when he sits there half-naked waiting for his shirt to be ironed, he's so damn cute.

 

"Babe," I call out.

 

"What now?" He asks, looking up at me from a step below on the escalator.

 

I shake my head, signalling that it's nothing. I just want to bother him. That's when my phone buzzes in my pocket. It's a number I've saved under 'Do Not Answer' because every time we talk, it gives me a headache. Just seeing him at the uni is exhausting enough, and now he's calling while I'm out watching a movie with Quinn? Fine.

 

"What do you want, you pain in the ass?"

[Duang! You little jerk!

 

"Go find a girlfriend or something. Stop bothering me. I'm with Quinn. You've got fifteen seconds to talk."

 

[Ugh, I can't even insult you properly in that time!]

"What's the deal? Spit it out."

[Good news! I'm starting with the good news.]

 

"What? Did you win the soccer bet or something?" I ask, only to get pinched in the side by Quinn for bringing up the bet. I quickly shake my head, saying it wasn't meit was Jettana. See? Always causing trouble for me. What a jerk.

 

[Do you know the 'Cute Boys' page of our university?]

"I've seen it. The girls are always screaming about it. Why?"

 

[Well, someone with sharp eyes spots the tattoo on your ankle and matches it with Quinn's. They post it together.]

"..."

 

[And now, boom! Everyone knows. It's blowing up!]

"Be serious. What do you mean?"

 

[People figure out you two have something going on. They even dug up the tattoo shop's post from when you got them done together. Back then, no one knew whose ankles they were, but now the page is stirring things up, and they've got all the evidence.]

 

"My heart is racing now," I admit.

[Well, congrats, buddy. The whole university knows you're secretly seeing each other.]

 

"Finally!" I grin widely.

 

Quinn, who is buying household items, looks at me, confused, since he has no idea what Jettana and I are talking about. I touch his waist to signal that we need more fabric softener. He nods and goes to grab some. Watching him from here, I can confidently say-he's such a bottom.

 

Absolutely perfect.

Today is a damn good day.

I'm so blessed.

 

[Oh, and some students from both your faculty and his commented that they've known you two were close since the welcoming ceremony, but they didn't know the details. Apparently, those who are close to you guys already suspect.]

 

"Of course. I'm with him almost all the time, and people still think we're just friends. Idiots."

 

[Well, Mr Quinn is super manly, and you're ridiculously handsome.]

"Obviously. I'm on another level."

 

[l give you a little compliment, and you run with it. Calm down.]

 

"This is exactly what I want. Now people will stop bothering him. I've been chasing him for almost a year. All those people can back off now." I want to scream out loud from sheer joy. This is what I love-people finally leaving Quinn alone. He's mine! Mine!

 

[By the way, how did they even get a picture of your ankles? I didn't even notice your tattoo when you first got it.]

 

"Exactly! They've got eagle eyes."

[Anyway, just let Mr Quinn know so he doesn't get caught off guard if someone asks.]

 

"Got it. Thanks, Jettana."

[Au revoir, darling!]

 

I hang up, unable to stop smiling, which earns me a side-eye from Quinn.

 

"You should see a doctor.

 

I'll take you," he says.

 

"Why? What for?"

 

"You've been smiling nonstop. You're scaring people."

 

"Babe, listen-"

 

"You've been calling me all day. What now?" He grumbles, reaching for shampoo to toss into the cart. I follow him, tugging on his shirt to get his attention.

 

"Someone finds out about our tattoos. They post pictures comparing them and even use the ones from the tattoo shop. It's all over the university's Cute Boys' page."

"And?"

 

"Aren't you surprised?"

 

"Nope."

 

"Why not?"

 

"People ask me about it all the time."

 

"What?" I practically shout.

 

He doesn't seem fazed, casually comparing two coffee brands and answering like it's no big deal.

 

"Yeah, people always ask if I got a tattoo, if it matches yours, if we're seeing each other."

 

"And you just tell them the truth?"

 

"Yeah. Why would I lie?"

 

"I thought you didn't want the hassle."

 

"It's our business, not theirs. They're the ones making it a hassle."

..."

 

"But whatever. As long as you're okay with it, that's all that matters to me."

 

I let out a soft sigh, not because of anything specific, but because he's just too good. I can't help but press my nose against his shoulder and whisper a thank you.

 

We continue shopping, filling the cart with all sorts of things, until we end up in the condom aisle. I nearly trip when Quinn stops and asks me, "Which one should we get?"

 

"Quinn!"

 

"What? Safe sex is important."

 

"Are you planning to, uh, have sex with me?"

 

"Just being prepared. I'm not going raw with you," he says matter-of-factly, while I blush so hard I want to crawl into the cart. He keeps picking up boxes of condoms and lube, examining them carefully. Damn it. Is this really happening?

The guy who's supposed to be on the receiving end is now standing here asking about condom sizes and preferences.

 

"Size 56," I mutter.

Is he underestimating me?

 

"Are you lying to yourself?"

 

"Wanna measure in the bathroom right now?"

 

"Fuck off, Duang."

 

"Don't act as if you've never touched it."

 

"You're such a jerk," Quinn snaps, his cheeks turning red as we argue about sizes in front of the condom display. Finally, he tosses a box into the cart.

 

"I'm getting K-Y Gel. My friend says the other brand stings after a while."

 

"Quinn, you ask your friends about this?"

 

"Yeah. Why are you so surprised, Duang?"

 

"If you're not comfortable, we don't have to do this. I mean it."

 

"It's not that I'm uncomfortable. I just want to make sure it's good."

"..."

 

"We'll try it out and adjust as we go."

 

"You're so sweet to me, you know that?"

 

"If you compliment me one more time, I'll use the whole box on you," he threatens, pushing the cart toward the checkout. My heart races because that line is just too much. Note to self: I'm going to use that line on him someday. Just wait and see!

"Doesn't Pornhub have gay videos?"

 

"I want to hear real-life experience, not videos."

 

"I've never done it with a guy! Should I go try it out for you, you jerk?" Jettana groans.

 

"Or should I read some threads on some blogs? What do you think, Pae?"

 

"I don't think it's much different from being with a woman, but you just need to prepare properly because of the anatomy."

 

"Yooo, Mr Sex Ed in flesh and blood."

 

Pae smacks the back of Jettana's head for joking around at the wrong time.

For the past week, Duang has been stressing out, calling to scream about how Quinn has bought condoms and lube for his room. Honestly, he's giddy about it.

 

"He's bold, huh? You're not even officially dating yet."

 

"True."

 

"I'm shocked, too, but Quinn says he's also a guy, and you never know until you try. He doesn't want it to become an issue later. He wants to be fully prepared when we're officially together."

 

"I get it. Honestly, he's super cautious about relationships."

 

"Of course. Look at him. He's an artist. You know how they are."

 

"Yeah, they love deeply and hurt deeply," Jettana nods before adding, "Duang's no different. If he sucks at this, he'll cry his eyes out if Quinn leaves him."

 

"He's not leaving me!"

 

"Keep telling yourself that. So, can you do it? Huh? Do you even know how to do it?!"

 

Duang locks his arm around his friend's neck, playfully messing up his hair. He's had enough. Stop underestimating me! I said I can do it.

"Do your research, Duang. Preparation is the key," Pae says, gripping his shoulder with a determined look.

 

"I hear if you let him be on top, it won't hurt as much. And you can help him along the way."

 

"Just thinking about it makes me want to faint," Duang says.

 

"Same," Jettana says, face down on the table. Letting Mr. Quinn be on top? Why did I even say that? Just arrest me now. I don't want to live anymore.

 

"But the visuals would be amazing, Duang," Pae teases.

 

"Pae, stop. I can't handle this."

 

"Hey, hey, Mr Quinn's here!"

 

Duang turns to where his friend is pointing. Quinn? Coming to my faculty? Normally, he lets me know first. But earlier, when we were texting, Quinn only

asked where I was and then left me on read. He deserves a scolding for that.

 

"Mr Quinnnnn!"

 

"What's up?"

 

"Aye misch you shoooo mash," Jettana says dramatically.

 

"You can even butcher your words when you talk, huh, Jet?"

 

"I can do anything for love."

 

"Get lost."

 

Jettana ignores him and wraps his arms tightly around Quinn's slim, pale, and always fragrant frame. Quinn pats his shoulder a couple of times in return, the cold-hearted yet adorable person that he is.

 

"Don't let him hug you like that," Duang protests.

 

"Share him a little, Duang. He's got no one."

 

"Shut up, Pae."

 

"Duang," Quinn calls.

 

"Yes, babe?" Duang's tone and expression soften immediately, making Pae burst out laughing. People always have a special voice reserved for their pets or loved ones, and Duang has one for Quinn. Honestly, I admire Mr Quinn for not losing his patience and smacking him for being such a pain sometimes.

 

"Are you free?"

 

"I'm free now. Classes are done, and I don't have any work to do."

 

"Come shoot a music video."

 

"Huh?"

 

"Duang's gonna be the lead in a music video!" Jettana shouts excitedly.

 

"Quinn, are you serious?"

 

"Get up."

 

"But I don't like being in front of the camera. Can't I skip this?"

 

"It's important. Get up."

 

"Quinn, come on!"

 

Pae and Jettana watch as Quinn drags Duang away, his exaggerated reluctance making them wonder if he could ever really be the dominant one in the relationship. But who knows? Maybe in bed...

 

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pae?" Jettana asks.

 

"Yep."

 

"Do you think he can handle it? I feel like stepping in to supervise."

 

"You're just being nosy."

"It's like directing a porn film. "A little more passion, move to the left, hold it, hold it, perfect! Jettana bursts out laughing at the thought of having to direct Duang through such a scenario.

 

"Sometimes, you just have to let things flow naturally."

 

"What surprises me the most is that Mr Quinn agreed to this."

 

"I'm not surprised. He seems like the type who doesn't like to take the lead because it's too much effort."

 

"It's kind of endearing, isn't it?"

 

"They say if two people are meant to be, nothing can keep them apart."

 

"A match made in heaven."

 

"Now all that's left is for you to find a girlfriend, Jettana," Pae says, looking at Jettana with hope. Honestly...

 

"Ugh, I don't want one. Those girls are too much."

 

"Fine, suit yourself."

 

...will this guy really ever get a girlfriend?

 

 ════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

"Do you understand the brief?" the senior asks.

"..."

 

"Hello?"

 

"Babe..." Duang tugs on Quinn's sleeve like a child, ignoring the senior who keeps asking if he understands the plot. I'm suddenly being cast as the lead in a music video, for heaven's sake. Even just smiling for the camera makes him so nervous. The last time he managed to take a decent photo for the university was nothing short of a miracle.

 

"Excuse me, can I talk to Duang for a moment?" Quinn asks.

 

"Sure, but hurry up. We're losing light, and we need the sunset for the scene," the senior replies before stepping out to prepare the set. The room they're in looks as if it belongs to a total loser-scraps of paper, photos, cigarette packs, beer cans, and clothes are scattered everywhere. Quinn explains that the senior has set up the scene, and all that's left is for the actors to perform.

 

"Quinn, I can't do this. It's too hard."

 

"You just need to look sad."

 

"But I'm not sad!"

 

"Then we're done."

 

"I'm crying now! How could you say that? You're the worst."

 

Quinn laughs softly. He ruffles Duang's hair as he sits slumped on the bed. He knows it's a big ask for Duang, but he's helping his senior direct the music video because the artist is an alumnus of his faculty. The original lead actor had been in a car accident and broken his leg the night before. Quinn can't think of anyone better to portray heartbreak than someone like Duang, who always has a smile on

his face.

 

"Quinn, this is really too much for me."

 

"Just listen, okay?"

 

"Quinn..."

 

"Okay?"

 

Here we go again. Duang wants to lie down and cry right then and there, but he can't say no when Quinn reaches out, interlaces his fingers with his, and looks at him with those sweet, pleading eyes.

 

Quinn hands Duang a pair of earphones connected to his phone. The song's lyrics and melody hit him right in the chest, even though he's never experienced heartbreak. It's a beautiful song, and Duang finally understands why Quinn wants to help make the music video perfect. It tells the story of a man who can't forget his first love during the rainy season and is haunted by memories in the winter that follows.

The bass solo and the singer's soulful voice make Duang feel like this song is destined to be a hit.

 

"I played the bass for this," Quinn says casually.

 

"What? When did you do that?"

 

"The senior asked me to help. It's his band from our faculty."

 

"You're so talented. Why don't you perform yourself? You'd look great just standing there with a straight face."

 

"Nah, I'm a monochrome photo, and you're a gallery of colours."

 

Quinn's faint smile makes Duang's heart race. Duang glances down at their intertwined hands and whispers that he'll try his best. But if it doesn't work out,

he wants them to find someone else so the project won't be held back by someone as useless as him. Quinn nods in agreement and suggests they step out onto the balcony together. The set is incredibly realistic, with a room and balcony filled with bougainvillaea pots.

 

"There's a smoking scene. I know you don't smoke," Quinn says.

 

"Whoa. My mom would kill me for that."

 

"It's just for the video. If she gets mad, I'll talk to her. Okay?"

 

"She loves you anyway. You can say anything, and she'd agree. I'm just like a stray dog to her now."

 

"Stop whining," Quinn says, patting Duang's head as he hands him a cigarette from the pack. He shows him how to light it, explaining that if he fumbles too much, it'll be obvious it's his first time.

 

"Once the flame catches, just inhale... Yeah, like that."

 

He watches as Duang carefully takes his first puff, exhaling the smoke into the air. Quinn explains not to inhale too deeply, just enough to make it look real.

 

"I almost choked, but you make it look so sweet."

 

"Sweet?"

 

"No wonder. Every time I kiss you, it's always sweet."

 

"You're impossible."

 

"Alright, I'm ready. There's no crying scene, right?"

 

"No, just almost crying before it cuts to another scene."

 

"So, like, someone who's longing for that person and can't move on from them?"

 

"Exactly. Think about something that makes you sad, something you wish never happened, and let yourself sink into that thought. You don't even have to look at the camera. The senior is really skilled, and so are you."

 

It's strange how one person's words can make one believe in oneself. Maybe it's love that's steering Duang's life in this direction. Duang watches Quinn's back as he walks out to talk to the senior. They go over a few more details before the first scene begins.

 

Wearing just jeans, Duang stands in front of the bathroom sink, staring at the mirror as the song plays in the background. He lets his thoughts wander as he splashes water on his face, wiping it off with his hands. He thinks to himself, being a loser isn't so bad. At least knowing you've lost and accepting it is kind of cool in its own way, especially when you're doing your best.

 

"..."

But you still lose, no matter what. What can you do?

 

"Good... That's really good," the director praises. The same person who had been yelling half an hour ago that he couldn't do it is now nailing the scene. It

looks as if Duang is mocking himself for being heartbroken and unable to move on. His lips curl into a bitter smile, but his eyes are filled with sorrow.

 

Quinn watches Duang through the monitor. Everyone is silent as they observe him open the fridge, grab a beer, and take a drink. Quinn doesn't know what's running through Duang's mind, but when he collapses onto the sofa and buries his face in his hands, crying, it feels like his heart disappears somewhere. 

The song continues, telling the story of a man trying to live his life to forget the past but never quite succeeding. Memories from the rainy season come back to haunt him in the winter. That's what the song says.

 

"Are you okay?" Quinn asks.

 

Duang shakes his head, his eyes red from crying so hard that even after the director calls cut, he can't stop. Quinn walks over and gently cups his face.

 

"Wipe your tears."

 

"I can't stop crying."

 

"What were you thinking about? Can you tell me?"

 

"You told me to think about you leaving me," he confesses with a trembling voice.

 

"I said to think about something you'd never want to happen."

 

"And that's you leaving me. I-I don't want that to happen at all. Even beer tastes bitter now."

 

"Isn't it always bitter?"

 

Duang sobs like a child, and Quinn can only pat his head to comfort him. The next scene requires no tears, just someone who's grown used to the loneliness and sadness weighing them down. Someone living day by day, just trying to get through, but never really moving on.

 

"You did well. Really well."

 

"Really?"

 

"Really."

 

And Quinn knows he'll never let their story end up like that.

 

"You're the best, Duang."

No one will shed tears over a relationship they've nurtured so carefully.

 

 ════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

"Drink with me, babe."

 

"Pass it over."

 

"But don't get drunk."

 

"One can of beer? Who's going to get drunk from that?"

 

Duang shrugs, still shirtless since the next scene is coming up soon. His sharp eyes watch as the person next to him takes a big gulp of beer before lighting a cigarette. Lately, he hardly sees Quinn smoke, maybe only during school. He doesn't plan to stop him or tell him to quit. He trusts that Quinn knows himself well enough.

 

"Tired?"

 

"A little. Feeling sad kind of drains you, you know?"

 

"I'll take you out to eat later."

 

"You probably just want to eat yourself, Lil' Pig," Duang teases.

 

"Lil' Pig, motherfucker," Quinn retorts.

 

"I'll take you to meet my dad then," Duang threatens playfully, but Quinn isn't fazed. The pale-skinned man kicks him lightly to make him scoot over. Even though most of the crew has gone off to grab food, leaving the area relatively empty, it still doesn't feel right to be intimate.

 

"There's no one around. Can I lean on your shoulder?"

 

"You can lean on my shoulder, but anything more and you're getting kicked," Quinn warns.

 

"So harsh," Duang pouts.

 

"Hurry up, lean already."

 

Duang loves moments like this-when he can act vulnerable, and Quinn comforts him, or when he can rest his head on Quinn's shoulder. The faint smell of cigarette smoke drifts away with the breeze, replaced by the scent of Quinn's cologne. They don't say much after that, just watching the sun slowly sink lower in the sky.

 

"Quinn."

 

"Hmm?"

 

"Don't break my heart, okay?"

 

Quinn doesn't respond. Instead, he puts out his cigarette and gently pats Duang's head as it rests against his shoulder.

 

"I love every day I get to spend with you."

 

Sometimes, verbal promises don't mean much. Not leaving means not leaving. Because without Duang...

 

"Like today, I thought I wouldn't be able to do it, but I managed because you were here with me."

 

..wouldn't be able to go on either.

 

"You're amazing, you know that?"

 

"Really?"

 

"Yeah."

 

They say love doesn't need a script. Quinn hasn't planned to fall in love. He hasn't planned what their story will become, but he just wants it to unfold naturally. With him and Duang.

 

"You've made me love you this much."

"..."

 

Just the two of them, together.

"How could you not be amazing?"

 

It's the first time Duang has heard Quinn say he loves him, even though there are nights when Duang wakes up in the middle of the night to find Quinn watching him sleep, pressing a kiss to his forehead, and telling him to close his eyes and go back to sleep. He doesn't know exactly what Quinn is doing, but he can guess it is another way of saying love you' from someone who isn't great with words. Or maybe Quinn isn't bad with words. Duang thinks Quinn just speaks when it truly matters.

 

"Crying again?" Quinn asks.

 

"How could I not?" Duang sniffles.

 

Quinn chuckles softly, helping him stand properly and cupping his face to wipe away the tears with his thumb. He's promised himself he wouldn't make Duang cry anymore... but this isn't so bad, is it? He isn't making Duang cry out of pain. He's making Duang cry because he's happy in the moment.

 

"No more tears, okay? You're amazing."

 

Maybe it's the setting sun. Maybe it's the cool breeze wrapping around them both.

...Their lips meet, like the sun touching the horizon-slow, deliberate, soft, and lingering. In that moment, neither of them realises that the beer they let fall to the ground in favour of deepening their kiss will become the final scene of the music video they've been filming all day.