メロウレイン / Futtara Doshaburi Mellow Rain

spring of Light.

Hagiwara returned from a business trip that had lasted three nights and four days. He had caught the last Shinkansen, so it was already past midnight by the time he arrived at Sei’s flat.

 

“Welcome back. You must be exhausted.”

 

“Yeah. Sorry it’s so late. Is it all right if I leave this by the front door?”

 

His polycarbonate business suitcase was covered in water droplets. The shoulders of Hagiwara’s suit had darkened slightly from the rain as well.

 

“Was it raining quite heavily?”

 

“It looked like light rain, but there was actually a fair bit of it. I tried getting a taxi through an app, but I couldn’t get one at all, so I walked.”

 

“You must’ve been freezing. I’ve got the bath ready.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

Perhaps the strain of the journey had finally begun to ease, because Hagiwara gave him a relieved smile.

 

“…It’s a bit small, though.”

 

“Eh? That’s completely fine. I already know what it’s like, anyway. It’s not even that small.”

 

As though wondering what Sei was talking about, Hagiwara took some clean clothes from the drawer reserved for him and headed towards the bathroom.

 

“Oh, you can go to bed before me.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Although he answered, Sei wiped down the outside of the suitcase before settling in front of the television to wait. Hagiwara emerged about thirty minutes later.

 

“Oh, come on. I told you to go to sleep.”

 

“Your face doesn’t exactly match what you’re saying.”

 

He looked ridiculously pleased.

 

“Caught me, huh?”

 

“Were you even trying to hide it?”

 

“Ahh, it’s been ages…”

 

When Hagiwara wrapped his arms around him, his body still warm and slightly damp from the bath, Sei felt as though he could hear the sound of rain somewhere inside that embrace. Warm rain.

 

Before that warmth could escape, they should shut themselves away in bed.

 

“Having to work straight after a trip where you’ve been staying away must be rough, especially when you get back this late. They could at least have arranged it so you came home at the weekend.”

 

“Well, the schedule wasn’t too demanding while I was there, and I slept on the Shinkansen.”

 

When Hagiwara tried to prop himself up on one shoulder, he grimaced slightly.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“I think my shoulder’s stiff. I thought dragging my suitcase along in the middle of the night would be annoying for people, so I carried it.”

 

“Want me to massage it?”

 

“Mmm, no.”

 

Hagiwara touched his cheek. His hands, softened by the bath, were as warm and soft as a child’s. Yet the heat held within them was anything but childish.

 

“I’d rather have a different kind of service. If you’re not too tired, that is.”

 

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Then let’s do it.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

In the end, Sei doubted they had managed even five hours of sleep, yet Hagiwara looked remarkably refreshed and energetic the following morning.

 

“I slept so deeply that I felt completely satisfied. Sleep really is about quality rather than quantity.”

 

“You were probably just that tired.”

 

“No, no, that’s not it. We hadn’t been able to sleep together for a while, so it was more like, ahh, that’s what I’ve been missing. Like I’d finally got some nutrients my body was lacking.”

 

Sei understood the feeling.

 

Physically speaking, sleeping alone ought to be more comfortable. There was more freedom to move, more room to relax. Yet falling asleep with their skin touching in so many places, their breathing and heartbeats close together, brought a dense, melting sort of comfort. 

 

It was almost as though they might be sealed inside amber like insects, preserved together just as they were. And perhaps, for Hagiwara, sleeping alone was closely connected to loneliness and stress.

 

All those nights when he had wanted something and never received it. Having those needs met now did not mean the holes left by the past would automatically close.

 

Sometimes, when Sei looked at Hagiwara’s sleeping face, he felt such an overwhelming tenderness and sadness for him that it almost hurt.

 

Even if they would never have fallen in love had they not met and grown close in precisely the way they had, Sei found himself loving the Hagiwara who had existed before they met, too. The Hagiwara he could never reach or touch.

 

“I’m glad I turned up in the middle of the night.”

 

“Idiot.”

 

“Whyyy? …Bloody hell, it’s cold!”

 

The rain and clouds had disappeared, leaving the sky clear. The moment they stepped outside, Hagiwara squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

 

“They said it’ll be even colder tomorrow morning because of radiative cooling.”

 

“Seriously? That’s the annoying thing about winter. Even when the weather’s too nice, it’s a pain…”

 

Since there was no lift, Hagiwara had to pick up his suitcase by the handle again.

 

“I’ll carry that.”

 

“No, no, I’m fine.”

 

As they descended the stairs, Hagiwara suddenly remembered something and turned to look back at Sei.

 

“Oh, right.”

 

“Careful. That’s dangerous.”

 

“My brother said, how about next Saturday? You’re going drinking with Adachi on Friday, weren’t you?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Then that should be fine. Are you free on Saturday, Nakarai-san?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Right, I’ll tell him… Actually, you’re not forcing yourself, are you? You can say no.”

 

At New Year, Sei had spoken briefly to Hagiwara’s older brother on the telephone. They had exchanged the usual sort of promises about going for a drink sometime, which Sei had assumed were merely polite pleasantries. Apparently, however, his brother had been serious about arranging it.

 

“I don’t mind at all. Actually, I’d quite like to meet him.”

 

“He’s just an ordinary bloke.”

 

“Yeah, but from the way he sounded on the phone, he seemed bright, cheerful and straightforward, just like you. So I imagine I’d find him difficult to deal with on principle.”

 

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?!”

 

“It’s just that I tend to recoil from those dazzling, socially successful types.”

 

“He’s completely normal, I swear…”

 

Once they reached the ground floor, Hagiwara finally began wheeling his suitcase along.

 

Birdsong rang out as though competing with the rattling of its wheels.

 

“Oh, wow. Those birds are really going for it.”

 

“They’re not sparrows, are they? Wonder what kind of birds they are.”

 

“Bush warblers?”

 

“That’s nothing like it.”

 

“That’s about the only bird I know.”

 

They walked along, chatting about nothing in particular.

 

I wish every day could be like this, Sei thought.

 

──── 📘📘 ────

 

“You’ve got yourself a girlfriend, haven’t you, Hagiwara-kun?”

 

Adachi brought it up completely out of the blue while they were drinking.

 

“Huh?”

 

Hagiwara looked so dumbfounded immediately, as though wondering what on earth Adachi was talking about, that Sei didn’t even have time to worry about it.

 

“Aha! Hit the nail on the head!”

 

“How does that reaction mean you’ve hit anything? Don’t even joke about it. I’ll be in trouble if some weird rumour gets around and people get the wrong idea.”

 

Hagiwara’s stern warning did little to discourage Adachi.

 

“I’ve got evidence, you know.”

 

“What evidence?”

 

“The other day, after your business trip, you turned up at work carrying your suitcase, didn’t you? I thought, ah, this bastard definitely came straight from some woman’s flat without going home first.”

 

“Idiot. I just missed the Shinkansen and had to switch to an overnight bus.”

 

He lied with astonishing ease.

 

“Oh, that’s boring. I was wondering when you were going to start living with someone again.”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“You love living with your girlfriends, Hagiwara.”

 

“Don’t put it like that.”

 

“Wasn’t it in your second year at university when you stayed at some girl’s flat for about two weeks, and your parents got furious and threatened to stop paying your tuition?”

 

“Ah, seriously. You’re the worst. I’m never telling you anything ever again.”

 

“Remember when I complained that my girlfriend at the time practically lived at my place and never went home? You just said, ‘Why don’t you live together, then?’ Like it was the most obvious thing in the world.”

 

“So, did you?”

 

When Sei asked, Adachi shook his head emphatically.

 

“As if! No way. I couldn’t do that. Having someone at home every single day? The novelty would wear off, and we’d definitely start arguing more. I want the girl I love to be like Disneyland. A land of dreams and magic. Disneyland’s great fun, but actually living there would be a bit much, wouldn’t it? Imagine thinking, what, the Electrical Parade again tonight?”

 

Sei couldn’t help laughing at the distinctly Adachi-like comparison.

 

“But you got married.”

 

“Ahh, you’ve got me there. But when you’ve got children, you don’t get bored. Something different happens every day. Kids are unpredictable, both in good ways and bad. You don’t have time to fall into a rut. And I suppose it’s about compatibility, too. My wife’s not particularly clingy, either.”

 

“I see.”

 

“Anyway, Hagiwara. When you said you’d be in trouble if people got the wrong idea, doesn’t that mean there really is someone?”

 

“That’s a secret… Oh, sorry. My phone’s ringing.”

 

Hagiwara hurried outside the pub.

 

“Stingy bastard!”

 

Adachi called after him before turning back to Sei.

 

“You’d know, wouldn’t you, Nakarai-kun?”

 

“Eh? No, I don’t.”

 

“Oh, come on, tell me. I won’t say anything to Hagiwara.”

 

“Seriously, I haven’t heard anything.”

 

Being so directly involved made pretending to be ignorant surprisingly nerve-racking, but Adachi merely said, “Oh, that’s a shame,” without suspecting anything.

 

“Well, you’re pretty cool and reserved, Nakarai-kun. I suppose you’re not really the type to talk about that sort of thing.”

 

Actually, that’s practically all we talked about when we first became friends.

 

“Nakarai-kun, have you ever lived with someone?”

 

“No.”

 

That wasn’t a lie.

 

What Sei had shared with Kazuaki could hardly be called living together. There had been no arguments, no boredom or weariness. 

 

Each day had been like cautiously picking his way across thin ice, studying its colour where it stretched over their secret, testing the surface beneath his toes with every tentative step.

 

An ice field occupied by only the two of them, sealed beneath a lid of clouds that shut out the sunlight. They had been enclosed within a happy sort of despair.

 

“What about in the future? Are you the type who’d want to live together before getting married?”

 

“I’m not sure.”

 

Sei gave a vague answer.

 

Adachi suddenly grew serious.

 

“You know, Hagiwara gets lonely pretty easily.”

 

“Does he?”

 

“He’s basically a very earnest bloke. So when he wants to live with someone, it’s not because he wants her to do the housework or to save money. I think wanting to build the foundations of a life together is what being serious about someone means to him.”

 

Did someone seek dreams in romance, or harmony with everyday reality? Hagiwara was probably the type who wanted to move towards the latter relatively quickly.

 

“…So if he’s found someone new he likes enough to want to live with, I’d be glad. I hope you don’t think I’m being condescending.”

 

“I don’t.”

 

“So, what kind of girl is he dating, I wonder?”

 

“You’re not going to catch me out with that. I told you I don’t know.”

 

As Sei deflected the question, Hagiwara returned.

 

“Are you still prying?”

 

“Nooo. Oh, that reminds me. Didn’t HR and General Affairs have some joint compliance training the other day?”

 

“You’re surprisingly well informed.”

 

“I even heard a little about what it covered. Apparently, our company’s going to start recognising same-sex couples.”

 

Sei was half exasperated and half impressed by how quickly Adachi picked up on things. It was supposed to remain confidential until the formal announcement was made. Hagiwara, for his part, looked genuinely surprised.

 

“Eh? Seriously?”

 

“Don’t go spreading it around. We’ve still got to work out the public relations side and the press release.”

 

“What do you mean by recognising them?”

 

Hagiwara joined in with a casual question, showing neither particular anticipation nor apprehension.

 

“If you register as a couple, you’ll be treated like married employees for things like welfare benefits and housing allowances.”

 

“Won’t you get some cheeky bastards pretending they’re a couple when they’re really just sharing a flat?”

 

Adachi’s concern was perfectly reasonable. The legal department was already struggling to determine the eligibility requirements before the scheme officially launched.

 

“Well, I suppose they’re trying to bring things into line with global standards.”

 

“If that’s the case, they should start by giving us holidays as people get in Europe and America.”

 

Hagiwara’s complaint earned Adachi's enthusiastic agreement, and the conversation soon moved on.

 

When they left the pub, Adachi was the first to part ways, purely because he needed to take a different route home.

 

Now alone together, Sei and Hagiwara walked along the street, avoiding the izakaya signs and bar chalkboards jutting out onto the pavement.

 

“…I’m thinking of moving.”

 

At Sei’s quiet remark, Hagiwara stopped walking for several seconds.

 

“Eh? Why?”

 

“It’s old, and the location’s a bit inconvenient.”

 

“Hmm…”

 

Hagiwara lifted his chin slightly and let his gaze wander, as though picturing the flat in his mind.

 

“I like that place, though.”

 

“Do you?”

 

“It’s got character. And don’t people say older buildings are actually sturdier? That they used better-quality materials back then? There’s nothing wrong with the plumbing or anything, is there?”

 

“No, but…”

 

“I think that flat really suits you, Nakarai-san.”

 

Sei wasn’t entirely sure whether that was meant as a compliment.

 

“Are you saying I’m stuck in the Shōwa era?”

 

“No, no, that’s not what I mean… It’s just, I don’t know, knowing you’re there makes me feel reassured. It settles me somehow. Maybe that’s just me being selfish.”

 

“Even though there’s no lift?”

 

“Exercise is important. Well, if it’s inconvenient for you and you don’t like it, then I suppose it can’t be helped.”

 

Faced with that utterly straightforward smile, Sei could only retreat.

 

“It’s nothing. Just something that occurred to me.”

 

Sei liked his current flat, too. But he felt bad about things like Hagiwara arriving late at night, exhausted, unable to find a taxi, and having to carry his suitcase all the way up to the fourth floor. Or not being able to offer him a spacious bath where he could relax and reheat the water whenever he wanted.

 

No.

 

That wasn’t quite right.

 

I’m the one who doesn’t like it.

 

He understood that Hagiwara wasn’t dissatisfied in the slightest. Even so, Sei had thought that mentioning moving house might prompt a little more interest from him. Perhaps Hagiwara would suggest that they live closer together, or even find separate flats in the same building.

 

If Sei had simply asked directly instead of testing the waters, Hagiwara might readily have agreed. But Hagiwara was supposedly someone who believed that if you loved somebody, you wanted to live with them.

 

He was always eager to see Sei and reluctant to say goodbye. Yet he never seemed to make any effort to reduce the physical distance between their everyday lives.

 

It made Sei wonder whether he simply didn’t want to. And that thought made him hesitant to raise the subject himself.

 

Originally, both of them had been living with other partners. After everything that had happened, they had ended up alone again, each renting a place of his own.

 

Those separate flats had become the starting point of their new relationship. They had been feeling their way forward, and Sei suspected Hagiwara had been just as uncertain as he was.

 

Would it really last? Could they make it work?

 

After all, things had begun with desperate, almost drowning sex, driven by momentum and circumstance. And they were both men. Could they really turn this love into something that fitted naturally into the ordinary days of their lives?

 

Sei had been frightened.

 

If a relationship could end even when you loved someone that much, there was no guarantee this one wouldn’t end, too. Again and again, he had wavered between that fear and his desperate wish never to let go this time. And those doubts had always come to him on nights when he was alone.

 

Things were going well between them. They worked, went out, ate, slept and occasionally had trivial arguments. At least, they were going well for now.

 

As far as Sei’s own feelings were concerned, he thought it would be nice if they lived close enough to visit each other more easily. But it wasn’t as though he desperately wanted to live under the same roof.

 

It was just that loving Hagiwara’s past self also meant being jealous of his past lovers. He couldn’t help comparing things. It’s been about as long since we got together as it took you to start living with that girl, hasn’t it? And yet he didn’t doubt Hagiwara’s love for him in the slightest.

 

Hagiwara was kind. Or rather, he was exceptionally good at being kind. Not in a calculating way. He simply had a natural ability to say or do something considerate for another person without making a fuss about it.

 

Even earlier, he had deliberately denied Adachi’s suggestion in front of Sei, saying that he’d be in trouble if anyone got the wrong idea. Sei had been happy about that. Yet it had also reminded him that several women had once enjoyed the same warmth and kindness from Hagiwara.

 

For a brief moment, the thought had made him so irrationally furious that it was almost ridiculous. How strange. He was sure he’d been more relaxed about these things before.

 

Apart from Hagiwara’s most recent girlfriend, whose presence still felt rather raw, Sei had actually enjoyed listening to stories about his previous relationships.

 

“Nakarai-san, you’re going to walk past the station.”

 

Hagiwara caught him by the inner elbow, bringing him out of his thoughts.

 

“Oh, sorry.”

 

“Are you drunk?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you really going to be all right tomorrow? You’re not much of a drinker, Nakarai-san. Maybe we shouldn’t have arranged things for two days in a row.”

 

“I told you, I’m fine.”

 

Hagiwara was looking at Sei. Looking at nobody but Sei. That alone made his heart race. He wanted to cling to him. He wanted to press himself against Hagiwara and be affectionate without letting his sexual desire take over completely. He was practically itching to touch him.

 

“…Hellooo?”

 

A fingertip tapped him lightly on the forehead. Apparently, Hagiwara had seen straight through him.

 

“Now, now. You can’t do that.”

 

“Do what?”

 

“You know perfectly well.”

 

Hagiwara smiled with a slightly troubled expression. And when he made a face like that, Sei found it even harder to settle down.

──── 📘📘 ────

 

Hagiwara’s older brother was called Kazuteru. At least, that was the name Hagiwara had told him.

 

“If you read both our names using the Chinese readings, we sound like Buddhist monks, don’t we?”

 

At first glance, Sei had thought the brothers only looked vaguely alike. But when they smiled, the way their eyes narrowed, and the corners of their mouths lifted made their relationship unmistakable.

 

They were also remarkably similar in how they noticed little things, such as menus, small plates, and soy sauce.

 

More than anything, Sei was surprised by how different Hagiwara seemed when he was with his brother. He actually gave off the impression of being a younger brother.

 

It wasn’t something obvious in his words or behaviour, but there was a faintly endearing quality to him.

 

At New Year, Hagiwara had seemed a little more affectionate and inclined to be spoiled than usual. Perhaps that was because he’d returned home carrying the feeling of being the youngest member of his family, as lightly as a dusting of snow.

 

Kazuteru apparently worked in procurement for a major construction company. Their conversation was consequently filled with discussions about the Nikkei Stock Average, interest rates at major banks and Olympic sponsorship contracts.

 

Rather than discussing family matters, the three of them seemed to be enjoying a conversation among working adults.

 

So this is what grown-up brothers are like.

As an only child, Sei watched them with a sense of novelty.

 

“By the way, I’m sorry about what happened at New Year. You got dragged into a really stupid argument between a parent and child.”

 

Kazuteru had unexpectedly brought up the incident on New Year’s Day.

 

“Not at all.”

 

Sei gave a faint, rather awkward smile.

 

“Hagiwara, you really did make up with Mum properly, didn’t you?”

 

“I told you we did…”

 

“You know, back when you were at university, you got absolutely furious when Mum went to have a look at your part-time workplace. Wasn’t that the last time you had a row like this?”

 

“You got angry over something like that? Poor woman.”

 

At Sei’s criticism, Hagiwara immediately defended himself.

 

“Of course I was annoyed when she suddenly turned up! It’s embarrassing. I’m not a little kid having my parents come to observe a school lesson.”

 

“Well, you’re not a child any more, either… Oh, do you mind if I smoke? Thanks.”

 

Hagiwara didn’t smoke, so there was no opportunity to compare how the brothers held their cigarettes, lit them or exhaled the smoke.

 

“Anyway, arguing with Mum is one thing, but don’t go barging into somebody else’s home on the first of January. That’s just inconsiderate.”

 

It was an entirely reasonable reprimand. Kazuteru had said it out of consideration for Sei. And there was no denying that Sei’s flat was, to Hagiwara’s family, somebody else’s home. Sei understood all of that.

 

Nevertheless, he found himself responding sharply without thinking.

 

“It was fine.”

 

The ash at the end of Kazuteru’s cigarette lengthened slightly.

 

“…I was going to be on my own anyway, and I didn’t have any plans. If anything, it was almost as though he’d gone out of his way to come over because he thought I might be bored…”

 

Sei’s voice trailed off, uncertain how to finish. Kazuteru kindly brought the awkward explanation to a close.

 

“Well, that’s all right, then.”

 

“Excuse me. I’m just going to the toilet.”

 

“Oh, it’s out there, to the right, at the back.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Sei stood up from the sunken kotatsu seating area and left the private room, which was separated from the rest of the restaurant by sliding paper doors.

 

There weren’t any guest slippers in sight, so he sat on the raised wooden entrance area and slipped his feet into his boots. He took his time adjusting the hems of his jeans, repeatedly tying and untying his laces. He was deliberately dawdling.

 

The truth was, he wanted to hear what the brothers talked about when they were alone.

 

The tatami seating area was at the far end of the restaurant, and there were very few other customers. Consequently, there wasn’t much background noise.

 

“Did I say something wrong?”

 

Kazuteru’s voice reached Sei as he sat hunched over, his back.

 

“Did I upset Nakarai-kun?”

 

“No, he’s fine.”

 

Hagiwara answered for him.

 

As Sei concentrated on listening, he noticed that even their speaking styles and the pace of their words were similar. Two different people born to the same parents. It was strange when you thought about it. If Sei had had a sibling, what would they have talked about?

 

When his parents died, would it have helped to have somebody who could stand there in shock alongside him, or sort through their belongings with him? If there had been someone like that, perhaps he wouldn’t have lost himself quite so completely and left Kazuaki to shoulder everything.

 

“He’s not really the sort of friend you’ve had before, is he?”

 

“Why?”

 

“Your friends have always been more obviously cheerful and outgoing.”

 

“He’s pretty laid-back, but he’s not gloomy.”

 

“Hmm… I’m not saying he’s gloomy. There’s just something a bit shadowed about him. Mysterious, almost. He seems like the sort of bloke who’d have a girlfriend who was an actress or an artist. Somebody a bit unusual.”

 

“…I don’t know about that.”

 

There was a slight pause before Hagiwara answered.

 

“Come to think of it, what about you?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I still haven’t heard why you and Kaori-chan broke up. I won’t tell Mum, so come on, tell me.”

 

“Why should I?”

 

“It’s the weekend. Doesn’t matter if you get completely pissed and end up crying your eyes out.”

 

“I’m not going to cry.”

 

“Really?”

 

The amusement in Kazuteru’s voice suddenly disappeared. Sei felt his expression tighten.

 

“I thought breaking up with that girl would have hit you pretty hard.”

 

“It’s been more than a year already.”

 

“I thought maybe you hadn’t got a new girlfriend because you were still hung up on her.”

 

The conversation fell silent. In its place came the soft clinking of crockery. A slightly heavier thud followed, probably the sound of a beer mug being placed on the table. Then Hagiwara answered.

 

“It’s not that I haven’t found someone.”

 

Eh? Hang on.

 

Sei jerked around and stared anxiously at the sliding doors. He’d only intended to eavesdrop on a little conversation between brothers. He certainly hadn’t expected it to take a turn like this.

 

“Oh, really? Well, that’s a relief. Here I was worrying for nothing.”

 

“Actually, I broke up with her because I’d found someone else.”

 

“…What?”

 

“I fell in love with somebody else. That’s why I broke up with Kaori.”

 

The brief silence that followed was frightening.

 

“…Well, I suppose things like that happen. But you were living together. You at least did things in the proper order, didn’t you?”

 

“No.”

 

“…Oh, come on.”

 

There was no mistaking who had let out the sigh filled with irritation and disappointment.

 

“Were you always that sort of bloke? …Ah, shit, I’m out of cigarettes.”

 

“I’ll buy you some. There was a vending machine near the entrance, wasn’t there?”

 

Even though Sei knew Hagiwara was about to come out, he couldn’t move.

 

When the sliding door opened and their eyes met directly, Hagiwara froze for an instant. Then, holding a finger to his lips, he approached Sei and whispered into his ear.

 

“Wait for me on the emergency staircase.”

 

“Eh?”

 

“Quickly.”

 

Sei did as he was told.

 

He left the restaurant and pushed open the plain metal door beside the lift.

 

They were on the top floor of a ten-storey building occupied entirely by restaurants, so looking over the railing towards the floors below made him dizzy.

 

The bare, deserted space was cold. Separated from the bustle inside, the silence seemed stretched taut, like a fine wire. Moisture gathered along the edges of his lower eyelids.

 

“…That’s dangerous.”

 

Hagiwara appeared while Sei was leaning against the railing. He had put on his coat and was carrying Sei’s coat and scarf in his arms.

 

“…What about your brother?”

 

“I told him you weren’t feeling well in the toilet and came out. He said he’d have another drink on his own and then go home.”

 

“Eh?”

 

Hagiwara held out his coat, but Sei didn’t take it.

 

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

 

“You’re the one who shouldn’t have been doing things. Sneaking around listening to our conversation.”

 

“…Sorry.”

 

“Well, I don’t really mind that. But I can’t exactly carry on drinking as though nothing’s happened when you’re making a face like this, can I?”

 

He draped the coat over Sei’s shoulders and gently wiped the dampness from the corners of his eyes.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

The gentleness of the question threatened to make Sei cry properly. He shook his head.

 

“…But what are we going to do?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“Your brother thinks badly of you now because of me. What are we going to do…?”

 

“You’re exaggerating.”

 

Hagiwara efficiently wrapped the scarf around his neck as well.

 

“Well, he was angry. But when I tried to leave some money, he told me not to bother. It’s not as though he’s so furious he never wants to see my face again.”

 

“But…”

 

Kazuteru was disappointed. I never thought my little brother was that dishonest a man. And because the brothers were close, that disappointment must have been all the greater. But that’s not how it was.

 

“Nakarai-san.”

 

Hagiwara cupped Sei’s cheeks between his warm hands.

 

“Don’t say it’s because of you.”

 

Sei shook his head even more firmly than before, pulling his hands away.

 

“But it’s not your fault, either.”

 

“Isn’t it?”

 

“Why do you have to make yourself out to be the only bad person?”

 

“Do you want me to explain everything in detail? I mean, it’s pretty difficult to tell your family something like, ‘She wouldn’t have sex with me.’ And if I was completely honest about it, wouldn’t that just make me look even worse? Like I was frustrated because I wasn’t getting enough sex, so I went and cheated?”

 

Did I only love her body? Couldn’t we have stayed close without having sex? Surely Hagiwara had asked himself those questions again and again, hurting himself each time.

 

He was frightened of having other people throw those same accusations at him. That was why he didn’t want to talk about it.

Sei understood. If nobody else did, Sei had to. And yet it was frustrating.

 

“Are you really all right with him thinking everything was your fault?”

 

“I’m not exactly happy about it, but what can I do?”

 

Sei knew perfectly well that Hagiwara was trying to be considerate of him. Even so, there was something about his casual attitude that made Sei feel increasingly unsettled.

 

The lingering resentment he’d been unable to resolve lately was turning into something poisonous inside him. When his displeasure showed on his face, Hagiwara’s own voice grew slightly sharper.

 

“What do you want me to do? What exactly is bothering you so much? I can’t go making somebody I’m never going to see again out to be the villain.”

 

Hagiwara was decent, kind and dazzlingly bright. The thought that it wouldn’t matter if somebody he was never going to see again conveniently took all the blame simply wouldn’t occur to him. Even the argument with his mother at New Year had apparently been about Kaori.

 

Kazuteru had explained it to Sei. The conversation started heading towards Mum putting down his ex-girlfriend’s family background a bit, and he suddenly got angry.

 

Ah, I see.

 

So I was actually annoyed about that, too. Hagiwara could have just let it go. After all, Kaori wasn’t there to hear his mother speaking badly about her. She wouldn’t know whether Hagiwara had defended her. She had no way of finding out.

 

“She probably doesn’t say bad things about me, either.”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

“Come on, isn’t it obvious?”

 

“Because you lived together? Because you shared a home, you know everything about her, so you can still trust her and protect her? And because you and I don’t live together, you can’t understand how I feel?”

 

It was infuriating. Being jealous of the past now, of all times. Getting hung up on differences that didn’t really matter.

 

They had both been involved in what happened, yet Sei couldn’t even stand beside Hagiwara and share the blame.

Everything about it was frustrating.

 

“…Nakarai-san.”

 

The furrow between Hagiwara’s brows relaxed. He reached towards Sei’s chest and pulled together the open lapels of his coat.

 

“Nakarai-san, do you want to live with me? Like what we were talking about the other day? Maybe someday we’d register with the company and live together?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oi, what the hell do you actually want…?”

 

“I told you before. That scares me.”

 

Sei was frightened of what he might become if they lived together. He was afraid he might start wanting a Hagiwara who thought only of making him feel secure, who granted only his wishes and didn’t care what anybody else thought of him.

 

A Hagiwara who existed solely for him. That wasn’t the Hagiwara he had fallen in love with. Adachi’s thoughtfulness and Kazuteru’s concern both weighed heavily on Sei’s heart. But they were things Hagiwara absolutely needed in his life. I want him to stay somewhere bright and open.

 

When Hagiwara embraced him, Sei wanted to stay there forever. His desire neither to leave nor to let Hagiwara go had only grown stronger. He kept falling deeper and deeper in love.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

He wrapped his arms around Hagiwara’s waist and apologised.

 

“I’m being selfish. I know it’s not true. I know that. But when you seem perfectly fine with us living apart, I start wondering whether you don’t love me as much as you loved her—”

 

“Don’t be an idiot.”

 

Hagiwara interrupted him. His words were blunt, but there was unmistakable laughter in his voice.

 

“You really are an idiot.”

 

“I know.”

 

“At New Year, I was the one having a tantrum, and now you’re the one getting all worked up. We’re like Othello pieces, switching colours.”

 

“We’re completely out of sync.”

 

“Better than both of us falling apart at the same time, isn’t it?”

 

Hagiwara pressed his lips against Sei’s ear.

 

“I love you.”

 

The words reached him from practically no distance at all.

 

“I can’t compare you to anybody else, and I can’t prove it. But I mean it. I’ve never loved anybody this much before.”

 

In that freezing vertical shaft of concrete and steel, those whispered words were the only certain warmth.

 

Somebody must have stepped out of the lift, because cheerful laughter suddenly sounded through the door. But the voices were quickly swallowed by the restaurant.

 

“Let’s go home,” Hagiwara said. “I want to make love to you.”

 

When Sei was stripped naked on Hagiwara’s bed, with the heating still switched off, the goosebumps rising across his skin had nothing to do with the cold.

 

“Nakarai-san, you know…”

 

“Hm?”

 

“I’ve been thinking the same thing. That I’d like to live somewhere we could visit each other more easily.”

 

“…You don’t have to say that just to make me feel better.”

 

“I’m serious!”

 

“You’ve never mentioned it before.”

 

“That’s because…”

 

Hagiwara turned his face away with a sulky expression, pouting.

 

“I’m scared, too.”

 

“Scared of what?”

 

“If it became too easy to come and go whenever we liked, I’d probably want to have sex every day.”

 

“Then let’s do it every day.”

 

“What are you talking about? It’d be too hard on you. Even now, when we do it on weekdays, I feel guilty the next morning.”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

It wasn’t as though Sei was overflowing with energy, but emotionally he felt completely satisfied. Besides, he worked at a desk.

 

“No, it’s not fine. I end up thinking, ahh, I’ve pushed him too hard. But then you look a little worn out and tired, and somehow that’s sexy, too, and I nearly end up wanting to start all over again. Before, I used to be so careful not to let things drag on too much, but now I’m getting more and more carried away. It’s no good…”

 

“I want to do it, too, so it’s fine.”

 

At that, Hagiwara’s head dropped gently into the space between Sei’s neck and shoulder.

 

“…I’m scared.”

 

“Hagiwara?”

 

When Sei patted the back of his head, Hagiwara wrapped his arms tightly around him. No, it was more like he was clinging to him.

 

“I’m scared of you letting me get away with too much. I worry that you might accept even when you’re not really in the mood, just because you’re afraid I’ll be hurt if you turn me down.”

 

“Eh? Are you an idiot?”

 

“That’s harsh.”

 

But surely you can tell whether someone wants it when you’re actually doing it?

 

The thought had genuinely never occurred to Sei, so the words slipped out before he could stop them.

 

Then he realised Hagiwara must have felt the same way a little earlier.

Idiot.

 

So that’s what you’ve been worrying about?

 

All on your own, without saying a word.

 

Even though you understood logically that your fears were unfounded, you still couldn’t stop feeling anxious.

 

Hagiwara rubbed his forehead against Sei like an affectionate cat.

 

“Nakarai-san, whenever I ask you, you say, ‘Let’s do it.’ You don’t just say, ‘All right.’ Saying ‘all right’ sounds a bit like you’re permitting me, but you actually answer as though you want to do it yourself. That makes me ridiculously happy. And yet, even after you treat me so carefully, I still keep worrying about stupid things. It makes me feel pathetic…”

 

“Hagiwara.”

 

Sei gently tugged both his ears.

 

“Look at me.”

 

“Don’t want to.”

 

“Why?”

 

“It’s embarrassing.”

 

“Oh, honestly…”

 

Sei held the tops of Hagiwara’s ears between his fingers, stroking their thin, intricately folded curves.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

He spoke softly.

 

“I didn’t know. I thought I understood you, Hagiwara, but you were hurt so badly that you’re still worrying about things like this even now. Even though you didn’t do anything wrong.”

 

He could feel the warmth slowly rising through Hagiwara’s skin beneath his fingertips.

 

“I love you. I love you so much. So let’s have sex.”

 

Perhaps it wasn’t necessarily because of those words, but Hagiwara slowly lifted his face and looked at Sei.

 

Desire and affection were beautifully mingled in his eyes.

 

“Didn’t you say ‘all right’ the first time we did it?”

 

“I did.”

 

“You did. And you said it so naturally, without curiosity or pity. I was so happy and relieved I could’ve cried. I thought, ah, so it’s all right. It was as if every night that had come before had suddenly been wiped clean. You probably have no idea how much you saved me that night, Nakarai-san.”

 

“…I see.”

 

You saved me, too, because you were there.

 

Wanting Hagiwara to understand that, Sei poured everything he felt into their kiss.

 

Palms glided over skin. Fingertips teased and tickled. Lips gently caught and nibbled at other lips.

 

“Mmm…”

 

His excitement continued to build, yet something was missing.

 

The familiar weight and warmth pressing over his entire body weren’t there.

 

“Ah… Hagiwara.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Th-this is somehow really embarrassing!”

 

Sei was lying on his back, while Hagiwara lay close beside him on his side.

 

“We’re not doing anything different from usual.”

 

Because Hagiwara was supporting his head with one arm, only his other hand was free to touch Sei.

 

It was frustrating, but that didn’t make the sensations any less intense.

 

“I know, but… ah!”

 

Perhaps it was because they were lying beside each other rather than one on top of the other.

 

Or perhaps it was because Hagiwara was watching him from a different angle than usual.

 

Either way, Sei felt unbearably exposed.

Hagiwara’s fingertips travelled back and forth across his hardened nipples, flicking them lightly as they went.

 

“Don’t…”

 

Sei could feel Hagiwara’s gaze sweeping over his naked body, from his face all the way down to his legs.

 

Ah, so that’s another reason it’s embarrassing.

 

Hagiwara could see so much more of him from this position.

 

“Ah…!”

 

He pressed a swollen nipple gently into the soft skin surrounding it, making Sei’s hips lift involuntarily. His hand immediately travelled downwards, tracing an invisible line along the centre of Sei’s body.

 

“Mmm, no!”

 

Without the familiar pressure of Hagiwara’s body above him, Sei felt strangely exposed and unprotected. It made him painfully aware of every movement of the hand wrapped around his erection, and of exactly what Hagiwara intended to do.

 

When the pad of a finger rubbed along the underside near the base, pleasure mixed with ticklishness slowly climbed through him, leaving the sensitive tip tingling.

 

“Don’t…”

 

There was nothing to hide the way his erection changed shape and angle beneath Hagiwara’s touch.

 

Overcome with embarrassment, Sei turned his face away.

 

The movement of Hagiwara’s hand stopped immediately.

 

“Ah…”

 

“Look at me.”

 

Hagiwara nibbled gently at every part of his ear as he made the request. But the hand that had been touching him remained completely still.

 

When Sei cautiously glanced towards him, Hagiwara rewarded him by moving his hand again.

 

“Ah… you’re the worst.”

 

“I want to see your face.”

 

“No…”

 

Even when Sei squeezed his eyes shut, he could still feel Hagiwara watching him. It was as though light were shining through his eyelids. He knew exactly where Hagiwara was.

 

“Ah… nn…”

 

Hagiwara stroked the curved length of his erection with an almost affectionate tenderness, as though praising him for being good.

 

Then, without warning, he concentrated on the sensitive tip, stimulating it with his palm until Sei felt dangerously close to the edge.

 

“It’s getting slippery.”

 

“Don’t… ah…”

 

The tiny opening was already releasing fluid without the slightest restraint.

 

Before long, the sounds rising from Sei’s lower body had taken on an unmistakably wet quality, and Hagiwara’s movements grew increasingly provocative.

 

“Ahh!”

 

Hagiwara rubbed his fingertips over the sensitive tip, where fresh droplets continued to gather.

 

Sei’s entire body tightened, right down to his toes. Finally unable to bear it any longer, he threw himself against Hagiwara.

 

“Oh?”

 

“Hagiwara…”

 

He pressed his face close, caught Hagiwara’s lips and kissed him deeply, their tongues entwining.

 

“Keep doing it like this.”

 

The wet sounds of their mouths mingled with the sounds of Hagiwara’s hand until Sei could hardly distinguish one from the other.

 

“Mmm… nn…”

 

Hagiwara responded by drawing Sei tightly against him, enveloping him in the movement of his body.

 

He caught Sei’s tongue between his teeth while continuing to stroke and stimulate him.

 

“Mm… ah…”

 

Inside their joined mouths, it felt as though their heartbeats were holding hands. And at the instant Sei reached his climax, he almost believed their hearts had become one.

 

Hagiwara embraced him and kissed him repeatedly, each kiss brief and tender. Then he rolled onto his back, taking Sei with him until Sei was lying directly on top.

 

“Straddle me.”

 

Hagiwara guided Sei’s knees to either side of his hips before reaching for the lubricant beside the bed.

 

He poured a generous amount into his palm. The first touch made Sei shiver from the cold. A little later, an entirely different sensation made his body tremble.

 

“Ah… ahh…”

 

Whenever Sei lowered his face, Hagiwara’s teasing fingers stopped moving.

 

Sei had no choice but to let Hagiwara see exactly how he reacted, unable to conceal which touches pleased him or which expressions crossed his face.

 

You already know all of that, idiot.

“Ah… no!”

 

When Hagiwara found a particularly sensitive place inside him, Sei instinctively moved his hips. Their erections brushed together.

 

Hagiwara, who hadn’t yet reached his climax, was even tenser and more desperate than Sei.

 

“…You look like you’re struggling.”

 

Sei reached between them, wrapping his hand around Hagiwara’s erection.

 

It was too large for his fingers to close around completely.

 

Hagiwara’s breathing immediately grew ragged, and the movements of his fingers inside Sei became more forceful. Their bodies throbbed together.

 

As Sei pressed their erections against each other, every sensation- the rawness of their bodies, the almost comical awkwardness of it, and the overwhelming tenderness- seemed to be gathered into his palm.

 

“Hagiwara, does it feel good?”

 

“Yeah… I think I’m going to come.”

 

“That’s all right.”

 

Sei was happy. Happy that he had a body capable of giving pleasure. Happy that Hagiwara had a body capable of receiving it.

 

They looked into each other’s eyes, both filled with the same intensity of desire, and understood the happiness they were sharing.

 

The things that truly mattered existed somewhere beyond words. No matter how many times Hagiwara became anxious, Sei would tell him again and again in this way.

 

I love Hagiwara.

I love Hagiwara’s body.

I love having sex with Hagiwara.

 

He loved the way Hagiwara’s body responded to him, growing harder with desire, and the way he gave himself over completely to their pleasure.

 

“I’m… coming…”

 

The heat he could no longer contain finally spilt from him.

 

At that moment, Hagiwara withdrew his fingers and wrapped both arms tightly around Sei.

 

We could turn into fossils like this, and I wouldn’t mind.

 

After the tension of his climax had passed, Hagiwara kissed him slowly and tenderly.

 

“Was it good?”

 

“Yeah. There were flashing lights inside my head.”

 

“The Electrical Parade?”

 

Sei laughed as he asked.

 

“Yeah. Again tonight.”

 

Hagiwara laughed, too.

 

Then he asked: “Can we do more?”

 

“Yeah. Let’s.”

 

As Hagiwara prepared for another round, Sei took him inside his body.

 

The sensation of Hagiwara’s erection, not yet fully recovered but steadily growing harder and pressing against him from within, felt wonderful.

 

“Ah… no… ah…”

 

Hagiwara caught Sei’s hips so firmly that his fingers dug into the skin and thrust upwards with all his strength.

 

Each movement sent pleasure surging through Sei’s spine.

 

“Ah… no, ahh…!”

 

Then Hagiwara changed his movements, remaining deep inside while making small, searching motions.

 

His fingers teased the place where their bodies joined, coaxing Sei to take him even deeper.

 

Every slight change in angle brought a fresh rush of sensation.

 

The generous amount of lubricant made their movements slick, while Sei’s body tightened and trembled around him.

 

“Incredible.”

 

Hagiwara murmured the word in a daze.

 

“You’re squeezing me from so deep inside… It’d be such a waste if I came straight away, so go easy on me.”

 

“Ah… I can’t… Don’t move!”

 

“Then let’s take a little break.”

 

Hagiwara held out his hand.

Give me yours.

Sei placed his hand over it, and their fingers intertwined.

Even while they rested, their bodies continued seeking pleasure almost of their own accord.

Holding hands, joining their bodies in a way they could share with no one else, Sei felt there was genuinely nothing more he could want.

Their sex needed neither reproduction nor a contract to give it meaning.

It was enough.

“Nakarai-san, earlier you said, ‘What are we going to do?’, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“You said the same thing the first time we had sex.”

What are we going to do?

Us, ending up like this…

What are we supposed to do now?

Because neither of them could have imagined the present they were living in now.

“Back then, I couldn’t give you an answer.”

“I don’t think I would’ve accepted any answer you gave me, either. I’d probably have said it was impossible.”

Whether Hagiwara had suggested forgetting everything and never letting it happen again, or ending their other relationships so they could be together properly, Sei doubted he could have accepted either possibility.

“What would you say to me now?”

At Sei’s question, Hagiwara tightened his fingers around his hand.

“We don’t have to do anything. Nothing at all. We’ll just stay together.”

“…Yeah.”

“Come here.”

Sei lowered his upper body as Hagiwara invited him closer, moving his own hips to draw him deeper.

“Ah… ahh… that’s good…”

They embraced and kissed.

Sei bit gently at Hagiwara’s collarbone, leaving several marks against his chest.

They had made love so many times that they knew how to move together.

Sei knew exactly how Hagiwara would touch the places where he was most sensitive.

Yet the pleasure always felt new.

They were always greedy for more, always completely absorbed in each other.

Because when it ended, the final moment would inevitably come all too quickly.

He wanted to savour every last trace of the pleasure they shared through their skin, until it seemed to reach the very marrow of his bones.

“Ah… ahh… no more… ahh…!”

“Mmm… I’m coming…”

Until Hagiwara had spent every last drop, Sei’s body continued contracting around him, reluctant to let the moment end.

The birds were singing again.

They sounded like the ones around my flat.

Sei thought about it vaguely.

A band of bright white sunlight streamed through a gap in the curtains, crossing Hagiwara’s sleeping face.

But Hagiwara remained sound asleep.

Sei picked up the television remote and switched it on, lowering the volume until he could only just hear it.

The weather forecast was predicting clear skies throughout the day.

“The temperature won’t rise very much today, but we’ll have cloudless skies right through until tonight. It’s still February, so we’ve got plenty of cold days ahead of us. But I expect many of you have noticed how bright the sunlight feels when you step outside.

“February is sometimes called the spring of light. There may still be days when the cold is bitter, but the strength of the sunlight is already announcing the arrival of spring. Doesn’t that make you feel a little hopeful?

“Lately, you may also have noticed the birds singing more frequently when you’re out walking.

“Spring is the season of courtship for many animals. In fact, the cycle that prompts birds to sing in search of mates is stimulated by the sunlight entering their eyes, which affects their hormones.

“We humans tend to look for the first warm winds of spring as a sign that the season is changing, but for animals, light itself is the signal that spring has arrived…”

“Morning.”

Hagiwara’s voice came from behind him.

“Sorry. Was the television too loud?”

“Mmm, no.”

His voice was still thick and nasal with sleep, but his arms were strong as he pulled Sei close.

“I only heard the bit about birds wanting to have sex when it’s bright.”

“You’ve seriously twisted what they were saying.”

“Have I?”

Together, they slipped beneath the duvet.

The light could no longer reach them.

But they knew it was there.

Always.

————

Translator’s note: I’ve used Sei/Nakarai and Hagiwara consistently, retained Kazuaki for Sei’s former partner, and omitted the repeated passage. Hagiwara’s older brother’s given name, Kazuteru, is provisional because the source doesn’t provide its pronunciation.