メロウレイン / Futtara Doshaburi Mellow Rain

Autumn Rain Front

 

Sei woke to the sound of rain.

 

He checked the phone beside his pillow. It was only half past five. He tried to go back to sleep, but the steady patter of raindrops only made him more awake.

 

I’m awake now, he texted.

 

He was not particularly expecting a reply, but one came almost immediately.

 

Me too.

 

Really? Or did my message wake you?

 

No, no. Nakarai-san, are you going back to sleep?

 

Doesn’t look like it. I’m completely awake now.

 

Then, Hagiwara wrote,

 

Want to go on a date?

 

They met in the lobby of a hotel one station away from the office.

 

Obviously, they were not going on some elaborate date first thing in the morning. Hagiwara’s suggestion had simply been, “Let’s have a slightly fancy breakfast and take our time over it.”

 

“Morning.”

 

“Morning.”

 

The first-floor restaurant served a buffet breakfast. They explained that they were not hotel guests and went in anyway.

 

Breakfast cost five thousand yen. It was cheaper than going out drinking, and there was something luxurious about spending a weekday morning slowly like this that made it feel worth more than the price.

 

“There are a lot of business-looking people here.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

It was not yet seven, probably not even the busiest point of breakfast service, but there were already plenty of men in immaculate suits. Some were buried in newspapers, others glaring at tablets as if work could not wait another minute.

 

Was it Sei’s imagination, or did Westerners always seem to eat cereal and porridge wherever they went?

 

The buffet offered Japanese food, Western food, dim sum and all sorts of Asian dishes, enough choice that Sei and Hagiwara did not know where to start.

 

“Must be nice. What sort of company do you have to work for before they put you somewhere like this on expenses? It can’t be under fifty thousand yen a night.”

 

“You stay away for work now and then.”

 

“In completely ordinary business hotels.”

 

“Can’t you pay the difference yourself and stay somewhere nicer?”

 

“On a work trip I’m normally exhausted and just sleep, so it wouldn’t make much difference. Besides, if I went off on my own, people might start wondering.”

 

“Wondering what?”

 

Hagiwara lowered his voice.

 

“Whether I was planning to call a woman.”

 

Ah. A delivery service.

 

“If you’re with other people, is it harder to call someone?”

 

“No idea. Some blokes openly start researching places the minute a business trip gets scheduled.”

 

“I’ve always wondered about that. Don’t women who work like that get stopped at reception?”

 

“If a hotel guest has invited them up and they say they’re just visiting an acquaintance for tea, the staff can’t exactly interrogate them, however obvious it looks.”

 

Hagiwara used a piece of bacon, fried until most of the fat had rendered away, to mop up the remaining yolk from his fried egg.

 

“Come to think of it, years ago I had to take something a client had forgotten back to their hotel in the middle of the night. Not here, but somewhere about this level. I got into the lift with a woman who was obviously there for that sort of job. I had nothing to do with it and I still got nervous.”

 

“What made her obvious?”

 

“Mm… hard to explain. She wasn’t especially flashy or stunning. You could just sort of tell she wasn’t an ordinary hotel guest. And she had a massive bag.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Well… she’d have to bring all sorts of equipment with her.”

 

“Huh.”

 

A man could be staying in a million-yen-a-night suite and still want exactly the same things as anybody else.

 

Among all the smart-looking men eating their elegant breakfasts, some might have enjoyed themselves the night before too.

 

Men really were hopeless, Sei thought—and, oddly, the thought reassured him.

 

The restaurant’s glass wall rose all the way to a ceiling so high he had to tilt his head back to see it. Beyond it lay a Japanese garden.

 

Droplets drew dotted lines down the glass, joining into streams as he watched. The rain deepened the green of the trees until the leaves gleamed.

 

Listening to the artificial stream mingle with the rain, Sei thought he would happily sit here all day doing nothing but watching the view.

 

“Think it’ll rain all day?”

 

“Probably. The weather forecast last night said the autumn rain front was active.”

 

“Autumn gets more rain than you expect, doesn’t it?”

 

“And typhoons.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

If they wanted the exact forecast, either of them could have pulled it up on a phone in seconds.

 

But it was nicer not to.

 

There was something about talking idly, about having conversations too trivial to need an answer, that made the time feel unmistakably theirs.

 

When Hagiwara arrived at work, there was an unfamiliar folded package on his desk.

 

At first he assumed someone had mistaken it for his and left it there. But when he picked it up, he found a sticky note hidden beneath it, the kind that folded over so the message could not be seen at a glance.

 

Happy birthday.

 

There was no signature, but Hagiwara could think of only one person it could be from.

 

Oh. Right. Today.

 

He was not yet old enough to sigh about getting another year older, but birthdays mattered less and less to him with every passing year.

 

He looked pointlessly back and forth between the folded umbrella and the note in his hand. It was an unadorned gift, almost bluntly practical.

 

Very Sei.

 

The umbrella came in a soft case rather than a bag and had a holder so it could be clipped to the outside of a briefcase.

 

Useful.

 

The fabric was nearly black with thin stripes of navy and khaki here and there.

 

…Had this already been opened once?

 

When Hagiwara unzipped the case and took the umbrella out, the folds were not quite as crisp as they should have been.

 

Surely when buying a gift, the shop would have asked whether it was for someone else. Even if the birthday itself was only an excuse, most people would have had it wrapped.

 

Then again, Sei might have thought wrapping was only going to become rubbish, or he might not have wanted something conspicuous sitting on Hagiwara’s desk.

 

Maybe he had bought it online and opened it once to check it.

 

That sounded plausible.

 

Whatever the reason, it was practical, and Hagiwara was genuinely pleased that Sei had remembered.

 

He chose not to think about the fact that the date was probably impossible for Sei to forget.

 

Hagiwara slipped the umbrella into his business bag. The weather was supposed to remain unsettled. He meant to message Sei, but the desk phone rang, so he put it off.

 

All day, a reminder chimed somewhere at the back of his mind, message him, message him, but somehow the day ended without him doing it.

 

There really were days when even finding one spare minute for a message seemed impossible.

 

The last Friday of the month was particularly bad. While working overtime, someone suggested getting food.

 

They were in the final stretch of preparing materials for the strategy meeting at the start of the following week, and perhaps craving something they could not buy from the nearest convenience store was simply a form of escapism when everyone was busy.

 

They unanimously decided on takeaway from a Chinese restaurant ten minutes away. Since Hagiwara had been the first to mutter that he was hungry, he volunteered to go. He was waiting for the lift when footsteps hurried after him.

 

“I’ll come with you.”

 

It was a woman from Sales who had joined the company the same year as him.

 

“No, it’s fine.”

 

“But it’s raining.”

 

“I’ve got a folding umbrella.”

 

“But…”

 

“Really. I’m fine.”

 

If he rejected her too firmly, she would have to walk back into the room where everyone else was sitting, which would be awkward. But Hagiwara wanted to go outside alone and make a phone call.

 

His energy was almost empty by this point. A message would not be enough. He wanted to hear Sei’s voice. That was the real reason he had agreed so obediently to run the errand.

 

“Those aren’t rain shoes, are they? Your feet’ll be freezing if they get soaked. Stay here.”

 

The lift arrived with a strangely soft electronic chime.

 

“Right, I’m off.”

 

“Ah… Hagiwara-kun?”

 

“Mm?”

 

“…Is it true you don’t have a girlfriend now?”

 

There it was.

 

As a colleague, Hagiwara had absolutely no complaints about her. He would have preferred to pretend he had not noticed.

 

He hesitated for a moment, then gave her an awkward smile.

 

“Let’s not do this with someone from the same company. It makes working together awkward. I’m not good with that.”

 

He could simply have said he was seeing someone. But since she somehow already knew about a break-up he had never told her about, he did not want to give her any more information.

 

“I see.”

 

The lift doors closed on her disappointed smile, and as the box began descending, Hagiwara let out a long breath.

 

Turning someone down was nerve-racking too. And then he found himself thinking: I don’t understand any more.

 

In the past, whether he had a girlfriend or not, if a woman showed interest he could at least imagine it.

 

Maybe she seems easy to get along with. Maybe she has great legs and I’d like to see the rest of what’s under that skirt. Nothing serious. Just a private little game in his head.

 

Now, though, he could not. It was not that his colleague had done anything wrong. Something inside Hagiwara had simply closed off.

 

Pretty. Cute. Nice figure.

 

His thoughts stopped at the surface and disappeared almost immediately.

 

Even when a dental hygienist’s chest brushed his shoulder during an appointment, he no longer thought, Lucky me.

 

Stupid, perhaps, but true.

 

And it was not as though he had suddenly developed a special interest in men generally.

 

Without ever consciously deciding that this was how things would be, there was simply Sei.

 

Thinking about it too directly was almost frightening. It was as though an invisible umbrella had opened above his head and kept off the rain.

 

Hagiwara could hear the drops beating against it and watch water fall from the tips of the ribs, but he did not get wet.

 

Sei was beneath that same umbrella. Which one of them was holding the handle?

 

The main entrance had long since been locked, so Hagiwara headed for the after-hours exit.

 

Beyond the automatic doors, the rain was coming down hard. The wind looked strong too.

 

Wasn’t there a typhoon on the way?

 

He carefully opened the brand-new umbrella, hoping a gust would not turn it inside out.

 

Then he stared up at it.

 

“…What the hell is this?”

 

──── 📘📘 ────

 

Elsewhere, Sei woke from a doze beside a hotel window.

 

He had been listening to an app playing rain sounds. For a moment, after waking because he felt cold, he wondered why he was sitting on a sofa with an ottoman instead of at home.

 

Then he remembered.

 

A hotel bathrobe, almost ridiculously thick, wrapped around him. Even after he pulled out his earphones, the same sound continued around him.

 

When did the actual rain start? He lit up his phone. Half past one in the morning. Double-digit missed calls.

 

Ah. Sorry.

 

He apologised silently to someone who was not in the room and gently opened the curtain. The rain was heavy.

 

Looking down towards the street, Sei laughed without making a sound. There was probably no need to call back now.

 

From the lower floor, the road in front of the hotel was clearly visible.

 

Under the streetlights, raindrops burst white against the smooth pavement. When the wind blew, shadows swept across it like waves through tall grass, making the movement of the air visible.

 

The rain was running. And through the rain, Hagiwara was running. The umbrella Sei had given him bobbed rapidly towards the hotel entrance.

 

Hagiwara was racing with the rain.

 

Sei’s heart hammered.

 

It hammered so hard he could no longer tell whether the emotion was good or bad. Anticipation could feel almost exactly like fear. Sei did not move from the window until he heard the room door unlock.

 

“Honestly…”

 

Hagiwara was breathing hard. He appeared to have run from the office. The rain had soaked through both shoulders of his suit, darkening the fabric, and the business bag he dropped on the luggage rack was wet too.

 

“What about a taxi?”

 

“Couldn’t get one. And more importantly—”

 

“Answer your bloody phone,” he scolded, a little roughly.

 

“Sorry. I fell asleep.”

 

Hagiwara’s mouth pulled down helplessly at both corners.

 

“Sorry. Work wouldn’t end.”

 

“I know. It’s fine.”

 

Sei had known about the meeting. Hagiwara arriving after midnight had always been a possibility.

 

“Anyway—”

 

“That’s twice.”

 

“…You should’ve told me from the start.”

 

“As if telling you would’ve let you leave work.”

 

“That’s not the point…”

 

Hagiwara shoved a hand through his short fringe while shaking the folding umbrella in the other.

 

It had not yet collapsed into its compact form. Water scattered over the heavy wooden floor. The umbrella had been Sei’s birthday present. But it was not the real present. The umbrella was more like an extra.

 

“When I opened this, I nearly had a heart attack.”

 

Sei still did not know Hagiwara’s tastes well enough when it came to things worn on the body. There was still so much he did not know about him.

 

Clothes, shoes—Sei did not want to spend a lot and then discover he had chosen something Hagiwara secretly disliked. So he had decided on a gift that would not remain.

 

Hagiwara had once muttered that staying in a hotel like this sounded nice. So Sei had booked a room he normally would never have considered paying for.

 

Then, on the inside of the umbrella, he had written the hotel’s name in correction fluid.

 

Open the umbrella, and it became an invitation.

 

That morning when Sei had happened to wake early, Hagiwara had so casually suggested, Shall we go on a date? Sei had been happy about that too.

 

“Glad you got delivered here safely.”

 

“I’m not a professional escort… Seriously, though.”

 

“Again?”

 

“What were you going to do if it hadn’t rained?”

 

“Probably sleep here by myself.”

 

“No chance.”

 

“But it did rain.”

 

Sei took the umbrella from Hagiwara, opened it and set it on the floor. Dozens of beads of water slid down the still, new water, resistant surface.

 

“It always rained when something important happened.”

 

Hagiwara pulled him into an embrace. The smell of rain rose from every crease of his suit and shirt, mixing with Hagiwara’s own scent until Sei almost could not breathe.

 

“It’s late now, but happy birthday.”

 

“…Thank you.”

 

“What am I supposed to do?” Hagiwara murmured, sounding genuinely lost.

 

“Hm?”

 

“Next year, on your birthday, I don’t think I can come up with a surprise better than this.”

 

Sei laughed.

 

“This isn’t funny.”

 

When Sei touched Hagiwara’s cheek, it was wet with something that might have been sweat or rain.

 

“Was the umbrella too small?”

 

“No. The wind was vicious. Probably because the typhoon’s getting closer.”

 

“Right.”

 

A typhoon comes.

 

A typhoon passes.

 

Everyone said it as though it were natural, almost as if the typhoon had intentions of its own.

 

But a typhoon could not move by itself. It was carried by air pressure and wind. A storm arrived because something even larger than the storm carried it there.

 

Even the storm itself could not choose where it went or where it disappeared. Sei had been thinking about that vaguely before he fell asleep.

 

Then Hagiwara covered his mouth with a kiss, so there was no chance to say any of it.

 

Between kisses and hurried breaths, Hagiwara guided him towards the bed.

 

“…It’s far.”

 

He complained about the size of the room while impatiently tearing off his tie and dropping it on the floor with his suit jacket.

 

“Will that be all right?”

 

He had no work the following day, but he still had to wear those clothes home. Turning them into a crumpled heap seemed like a bad idea.

 

“It’s fine.”

 

Hagiwara answered while undoing his shirt buttons one after another.

 

“I can sort all of it with the trouser press.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“There’s a trick.”

 

“No way. Teach me.”

 

“Later.”

 

By the time they finally reached the sheets, Hagiwara had shed everything but his underwear and was untying Sei’s bathrobe.

 

“I haven’t showered… Is that okay?”

 

The question was sweetly dependent while already assuming the answer would be yes. From anyone else, it might have annoyed Sei.

 

From Hagiwara, it felt as though someone had rung a tiny bell beside his heart.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What am I supposed to do…”

 

Hagiwara stroked from Sei’s stomach down to his waist as he whispered. At some point his voice had taken on a smoky heat.

 

“I want you now… Do you have everything?”

 

“Shouldn’t the person being delivered bring their own supplies?”

 

“You’re still going with that?”

 

Even through the thick towelling robe, Hagiwara’s arousal was impossible to miss. Sei decided he had teased enough.

 

“I’ve got it.”

 

“Where?”

 

“By the pillow.”

 

While Hagiwara reached for it, Sei slipped the robe off completely.

 

One nice thing about hotels was being able to dim every light from the bedside controls.

 

Sei left only the soft reading lamp on. For a moment they simply wrapped their arms around one another, sharing the pounding of their hearts.

 

Gel from the tube travelled through Hagiwara’s fingers and over Sei’s body.

 

“Ah…”

 

The cold and strangeness made Sei’s skin prickle, but only for a few seconds.

 

Between the warmth inside his body and the heat held in Hagiwara’s fingertips, the soft gel quickly warmed.

 

Hagiwara was so hard that Sei wanted to relieve him as soon as possible. Before he could even consciously decide to, his body loosened for him.

 

A heat ignited much deeper than the fingers working carefully inside him, spreading slowly like a scorch through dry ground.

 

“Mm—ah… ah…”

 

Slick gel ran over sensitised skin and soaked into the bathrobe beneath him. When one finger became two, the sensation of being opened became suddenly, vividly real.

 

Warm blood softened his body around the intrusion. Even the slightest movement sent sensation racing all the way to his scalp.

 

The knowledge that his entire body was preparing itself for sex stirred another wave of arousal.

 

The movement of Hagiwara’s rounded fingertips was surprisingly sharp in the pleasure it produced, and Sei’s toes moved restlessly on their own.

 

Hagiwara’s nails had been cut almost absurdly short. They had not been that short before. Sei knew why. So he would not hurt him.

 

This was Hagiwara’s own preparation for sex. The thought became almost unbearable.

 

Sei took Hagiwara’s free hand, which had been wandering uncertainly over his bare skin, and pulled it closer.

 

“Ah, sorry.”

 

For some reason Hagiwara apologised.

 

“For what?”

 

“I was concentrating so hard down there I completely forgot to use my left hand…”

 

He had apparently mistaken the gesture for a complaint about the quality of the foreplay.

 

“I wasn’t criticising you!”

 

“You weren’t?”

 

Explaining from the beginning would be too embarrassing, so Sei simply muttered, “Idiot,” and drew Hagiwara’s fingers into his mouth.

 

“Mm… Nakarai-san.”

 

Sei took them one at a time, from index finger to little finger, as though marking each one, then finally sucked on Hagiwara’s thumb.

 

He traced his tongue around the curve of the nail, cut so short it looked painful. All the while, Hagiwara’s other hand continued working steadily between Sei’s legs.

 

 

“Mm… ah… ngh…”

 

Sei played with the fingers in his mouth in time with the movements inside him. When he lightly caught them between his teeth, Hagiwara’s breath hitched, and the hand between Sei’s legs grew bolder.

 

For a moment, in the haze of pleasure, Sei almost lost track of which mouth was doing what.

 

“Ah…”

 

The slick fingers withdrew just long enough to brush over the sensitive skin between his legs, then moved to his chest.

 

“Ah—no…!”

 

“Wow. You’re really hard already, and I haven’t even touched you there.”

 

“Mm… stop… ah…”

 

Hagiwara pressed down with fingers still wet with gel, then rubbed slowly up and down. Tiny bursts of pleasure shot through Sei.

 

“Mm…”

 

By now three fingers had prepared him, and his body was no longer simply accepting them. It had begun to contract around them, unmistakably inviting more.

 

“Ah…”

 

When Hagiwara pulled his fingers free, the lingering sensation left Sei painfully restless.

 

He wanted to be filled.

 

His half-awakened arousal demanded something heavier, something complete, until every cell in his body seemed unable to settle.

 

“Hagiwara…”

 

His legs were spread wider, and Hagiwara pressed himself against the place where their bodies would join.

 

Smooth. Hard. Hot. The thing that made Sei ache. The thing that would make him feel good.

 

“Mm.”

 

Sei tried to keep his breathing steady and waited for that first moment of entry—the one sensation that only happened once each time. But Hagiwara did not give it to him when he expected.

 

“Ah… ah, no…”

 

He rubbed against the slick opening with soft, wet sounds, never pushing beyond the entrance.

 

Again and again, the shallow movement teased him while Hagiwara’s hand stroked the underside of Sei’s already raised cock.

 

“No… ah…”

 

The light, playful contact made the place that should have been filled clench uselessly. Hagiwara wrapped a hand around him and stroked quickly.

 

That wasn’t what Sei wanted. It felt good, but it wasn’t what he wanted.

 

The shallow teasing left his arousal twisting painfully low in his stomach.

 

“No… no, don’t…”

 

“Doesn’t it feel good?”

 

“That’s not what I mean…”

 

Of course it felt good.

 

What spilled from him slicked Hagiwara’s hand and made every stroke easier.

 

But—

 

“Enough…”

 

Unable to stand it any longer, Sei moved his hips himself, rubbing against Hagiwara.

 

“…Nakarai-san.”

 

“Ah… mm…”

 

A fingertip brushed the opening of Sei’s cock and his whole body flinched. At the same instant, the muscles behind tightened.

 

Hagiwara took that opening and entered him in one smooth thrust.

 

“Ah—! Ah… aaah…!”

 

The maddening emptiness was filled all at once. The pleasure reached Sei’s body before his mind could catch up. For a brief moment his thoughts went completely blank.

 

Even after he came back to himself, he had the uneasy feeling that he had lost a few seconds somewhere.

 

“Ah… no… ah…”

 

The confusion of body and mind gathered as tears at the corners of his eyes. Hagiwara waited for the trembling to settle before whispering, “Sorry. Are you crying? Was that too much?”

 

Sei glared at the blurred shape of him.

 

“You said you wanted me straight away, and then you do that?”

 

“Ah… right. Should I apologise? I did mean to, but when it actually came to it, it suddenly felt like a waste. So I held back too long and now I feel like I’m about to explode.”

 

Apparently Hagiwara had not been teasing Sei. He had been teasing himself.

 

“Idiot.”

 

What did he mean, a waste? It was not their first time. They would do this dozens, hundreds of times from now on. And yet Sei understood exactly what he meant.

 

Idiot.

 

“Ah…!”

 

Hagiwara hooked Sei’s knees up sharply and folded him almost in half beneath his weight.

 

The strain in his joints, the lack of air from Hagiwara sealing their mouths together, none of it mattered beside the pleasure where they were joined.

 

It was as though every nerve carrying sensation had melted down into Sei’s lower body.

 

“Mm… ngh…!”

 

They kissed messily, almost devouring each other’s mouths, accepting each other’s lack of restraint, roughness and impatience without apology.

 

“Hah…”

 

Hagiwara lifted himself just enough to take one hurried breath, then began moving his hips in short, tight motions.

 

“Ah… ah… aaah!”

 

With Hagiwara already buried deep and Sei unable to move much beneath him, every short, forceful thrust travelled directly through his body.

 

Then, after driving into him several times, Hagiwara rose higher, propped Sei’s knees up and changed to slower, deeper strokes.

 

“No… ah… no…”

 

The heavy force from moments before was gone, but the long movement along the full length of him sent fine bubbles of pleasure across his inner walls.

 

The difference between being stretched open around Hagiwara and closing again as he withdrew was almost too much to follow.

 

Afraid his mind would disappear again, Sei begged,

 

“Don’t… don’t pull out all at once.”

 

“Want me to stop?”

 

Hagiwara stroked his knee, teasing.

 

“No! Don’t…”

 

“Which is it?”

 

He had withdrawn until only the head remained caught inside, then pushed all the way back in.

 

“Mm—aaah…!”

 

“Cute,” Hagiwara whispered.

 

“Nakarai-san, you’re seriously cute.”

 

“Enough with that.”

 

It was not that Sei resented the compliment. He simply could not think of a single part of himself that deserved the word, and had no idea how to respond to it. He was not unhappy to hear it.

 

Surely there were other words, though.

 

“Yeah. Fair.”

 

Instead of sulking, Hagiwara gave him a slightly troubled smile.

 

“If someone said it to me, I’d probably feel weird too. But I don’t know what else I’m supposed to call you.”

 

“…Can’t be helped, then.”

 

There was something in Hagiwara’s eyes beyond simple sexual satisfaction.

 

A kind of joy.

 

Perhaps he was happy that his own body could satisfy Sei—or that Sei’s body could satisfy him.

 

Physical capability was tied to one of the simplest forms of confidence and pride. Sei wondered whether his own eyes looked the same when Hagiwara stared into them.

 

“…Ah, sorry. I’m close.”

 

“Mm… ah… aaah…!”

 

Hagiwara moved with the single-mindedness of an animal. At his climax, his hips stopped completely for one brief second. Then came several pulsing releases inside Sei.

 

“Ah…”

 

The warmth and relief of being filled pushed Sei over the edge too.

 

“…Let me do it again.”

 

Hagiwara withdrew and tried to turn Sei onto his stomach.

 

“Ah—”

 

The muscles that had finally relaxed immediately tightened again. Without thinking, Sei caught Hagiwara’s hand and stopped him.

 

“Nakarai-san?”

 

“Ah… just…”

 

His heart was pounding differently now.

 

Sei sat up and hesitated.

 

“That position is a bit…”

 

His voice had changed enough that Hagiwara seemed to understand. Sei had never told him much about what had happened with Kazuaki.

 

“You really did it?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“…I see.”

 

That had more or less been the entire exchange.

──── 📘📘 ────

 

At the family restaurant, Hagiwara had rested his elbows on the wide table and run a hand roughly over the back of his lowered head.

 

Sei had thought then, as he watched that hand, about how it felt when Hagiwara touched him.

 

It seemed almost fictional, like something from a dream. He had wanted to say sorry, but had kept his mouth shut because he suspected Hagiwara would only apologise back.

 

The only visible evidence had been the bruise on Sei’s neck. Perhaps he could have lied and said nothing had actually happened.

 

But he had not believed he could keep that lie going for years, perhaps decades.

 

And now, even though he had not intended to refuse Hagiwara, his body had tensed before his mind could stop it.

 

“Ah…”

 

Hagiwara looked away, clearly unsure how he was supposed to react.

 

“Right. You had that mark on the back of your neck then too, what am I saying? Sorry.”

 

“No… I don’t want you to take it too seriously. It’s not like I’m traumatised or anything. I just feel… guilty, somehow.”

 

“About what?”

 

“I feel like things will get mixed together.”

 

“You mean you’ll mistake me for him?”

 

Hagiwara frowned.

 

“No. Not that. I just… don’t want memories of someone else getting mixed into what I do with you. I don’t even know if that makes sense.”

 

“Mm… Well, it’s not like I absolutely have to do it from behind.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

There were plenty of other ways they could have sex. Even so, both of them fell silent with their heads lowered, as if they had suddenly forgotten the entire procedure.

 

“Right… maybe we should take a break.”

 

Hagiwara pulled back the bedcover that had been left spread over the mattress and lay down quickly, almost as if refusing Sei the chance to apologise for ruining the mood.

 

So Sei had little choice but to follow. He lay on the absurdly wide bed with his back to Hagiwara, too far away even to touch him.

 

The rain, which he had barely noticed before, suddenly sounded loud.

 

What do I do? Regret poured through Sei. Why had his body flinched like that? Once he got into the position, surely he would have forgotten.

 

Coward.

 

“…What were you doing while you waited for me?”

 

Hagiwara’s voice sounded completely normal. Sei thought that was kind of him.

 

“Watching television… had a little drink.”

 

“At the bar?”

 

“No. I’d already had a bath, and I couldn’t be bothered getting dressed again. I just opened one of the beers from the minibar.”

 

Beer reminded him of something.

 

“It was Corona. Did you know there’s a warning printed on the bottle?”

 

“What does it say?”

 

“‘Please open the crown slowly and gently.’”

 

“No way. I never noticed. That’s considerate, I suppose…”

 

“Bossy, more like.”

 

“…I can see how you might read it that way.”

 

Whenever Hagiwara shifted, Sei could feel the over-starched sheet form little ripples beneath his skin. He did not have to look to know he was not alone.

 

“The first time I saw it, it annoyed me. I thought, Shut up. Why should I have to be that careful just to open a bloody beer?”

 

“It’s the manufacturer being considerate towards the person opening it.”

 

“I know. But last night, it didn’t annoy me. I thought, Right. Yeah. That makes sense.”

 

“Mm.”

 

“Because I was waiting for you. I knew you’d come eventually. So I was in a more tolerant mood, I suppose. Kinder.”

 

And then the thought struck him. So even when you aren’t here, you’re here now. A tear slipped out before Sei realised what was happening. Even he was surprised. 

 

Then a tiny hitch escaped his throat. Hagiwara heard it immediately and pushed himself halfway upright.

 

“What? Are you crying? Why?”

 

There was no point hiding it now. Sei turned over. The tear had run cold from his temple towards his ear.

 

“I love you.”

 

He said it plainly.

 

“I really love you.”

 

“Ah… yeah.”

 

Hagiwara, apparently unable to keep up with the sudden swing in Sei’s emotions, looked more confused than delighted.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

The textbook-perfect answer somehow irritated Sei even more. Irritated was not quite the right word.

 

It was more like an urge to take Hagiwara in both hands and crush him into a little ball.

 

Probably what people called cute aggression.

 

“You’re lying…”

 

“Why?”

 

“Not lying exactly. But it’s different. The weight of it.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You can do everything. You’re the kind of man who wakes up early and casually says, ‘Let’s go on a date.’ And then there’s me, who can barely manage a birthday without making a complete mess of it. There’s no way the ‘I love you’ I have to drag out of myself with everything I’ve got weighs the same as yours.”

 

“…You mean mine is heavier?”

 

“The opposite.”

 

It was an outrageous thing to say. Hagiwara clearly decided Sei was not in a state to be taken seriously.

 

“What are you even talking about?”

 

With an exasperated expression, he swung his legs towards the floor. Sei panicked at the thought of him leaving and grabbed his wrist.

 

“I’m only getting tissues,” Hagiwara said, patting Sei lightly on the cheek.

 

“If saying it makes you this frightened, don’t say it.”

 

“It just comes out of my mouth. I can’t help it.”

 

“What kind of arrogant excuse is that?”

 

Hagiwara laughed, went to the bathroom and returned with tissues. He wiped Sei’s eyes for him.

 

Once he had calmed down a little, the childishness of his behaviour became instantly embarrassing.

 

“Sorry.”

 

Sei turned away again.

 

“It’s not something you need to apologise for.”

 

“But…”

 

“Right, no. Don’t start thinking unnecessary things now. You’ll cry again.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“…I know.”

 

Hagiwara kissed the back of Sei’s hair and his bare shoulder, then lightly bit his ear.

 

“Mm…”

 

When Sei tried to hunch away, Hagiwara would not let him escape. He traced the uneven edge of his ear with the tip of his tongue and blew softly against it.

 

“No…”

 

“Is this position scary too?”

 

“…No. It’s okay—ah…!”

 

A finger slipped inside him. He was still soft and relaxed, and Hagiwara’s semen remained inside him from before.

 

“Then let me.”

 

As if responding to the words, Sei’s body tightened around Hagiwara’s finger.

 

“Ah… ah…”

 

“It’s not like we’d die if we never did it from behind. But I don’t like the thought that one option would stay taken away from us forever.”

 

“But…”

 

“It’s okay if the memories mix a little. You can’t make what happened disappear, no matter what you do. I’m the one actually here beside you now. So what if something else crosses your mind? I get angry. I get jealous. I imagine all sorts of nasty things and put up with them. You can put up with some of it too, Nakarai-san.”

 

Hagiwara deliberately said it roughly.

 

Sei knew he was doing that for his sake.

 

“Okay.”

 

Hagiwara lifted one of Sei’s legs high and entered him.

 

“Ah—ah…!”

 

“…You suddenly started crying and got me worked up again. I’d finally calmed down.”

 

“Mm… ah…”

 

As the heat pushed slowly deeper, Sei remembered the words from the Corona bottle.

 

Slowly.

 

Gently.

 

His body accepted Hagiwara with almost embarrassing ease. As though it had remembered pleasure immediately, the muscles began contracting in their own rhythm around him.

 

“Ah… tight… feels good.”

 

“Mm… me too…”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

Hagiwara moved from behind with a rolling motion of his whole waist. The semen already inside Sei mixed with the new movement, producing obscene wet sounds beneath his stomach.

 

Each time Hagiwara reached deeper, arousal surged from Sei’s lower belly into his chest.

 

Before the sensation could fade, another thrust replaced it. Continuous pleasure left him writhing.

 

“No… ah… no—yes…”

 

“You’re busy. No, yes…”

 

“Because… ah…!”

 

Without fully separating, Hagiwara skilfully shifted their position. Sei ended up on his stomach with his lower body raised, clinging to the pillow. His back arched with every thrust.

 

“Ah… ah… aaah…”

 

Of course the memory of that other night crossed his mind. And the morning of separation that had followed it. But that storm had already passed. That time was over. The person beside him now was Hagiwara.

 

Sei repeated it to himself. He imagined Hagiwara was probably doing the same.

 

Even the heel of Hagiwara’s hand stroking backwards along the line of his spine felt enough to break Sei apart from the waist up.

 

Wherever he was touched, flesh and bone seemed to dissolve into fine particles and scatter.

 

For a moment he even thought it might be blissful if he could disappear completely like this, leaving nothing behind while it still felt good.

 

As if rebuking the thought, Hagiwara’s hand moved around to the front and pinched one of Sei’s swollen nipples hard.

 

“Ah!”

 

“Hey. Apologise after all.”

 

“Mm… what?”

 

“What you said before, about our ‘I love yous’ having different weight. I still don’t accept it, and it pisses me off. So apologise.”

 

“Ah—no… ah…!”

 

He did owe Hagiwara an apology. But with his whole body being shaken like this, talking was nearly impossible.

 

“Come on. Hurry up.”

 

“Ah… ah… no—!”

 

Even Hagiwara’s very short nails caught the tiny sensitive peak enough to hold him on the border between pain and pleasure.

 

“You don’t want to apologise?”

 

No, idiot.

 

You know that isn’t it.

 

The pleasure repeatedly driven into the deepest part of Sei’s body seemed to numb his vocal cords and tongue, leaving him capable only of broken moans.

 

Pre-come dripped from his hard cock and spotted the sheet. When his body greedily tightened around Hagiwara, Hagiwara grew harder still, driving the penetration deeper.

 

“Aaah!”

 

“…You’re red here too. Open so wide.”

 

Hagiwara traced half a circle around the place where they were joined.

 

Sei was unbearably embarrassed by the awareness of both the penetration and Hagiwara looking at him, but his body twitched sensitively beneath the touch.

 

“Does it hurt?”

 

At last Hagiwara stopped moving and folded himself over Sei. Sei could manage little more than a weak shake of his head, his face half buried in the pillow.

 

“Doesn’t… hurt… sorry.”

 

He finally got it out. He knew Hagiwara had not truly been demanding an apology that seriously, yet relief washed over him as though he had fulfilled some responsibility.

 

His traitorous tear ducts loosened again. Hagiwara stroked his cheek with the back of his hand.

 

“…Sorry. I teased you too much.”

 

“Ah…”

 

Just below the nape of his neck came a sharp, familiar sting. Hagiwara’s lips left a new mark there.

 

After they showered and slept for a while, dawn was already close.

 

Beyond the curtains they had left open, the sky was a clear dark blue carrying the first promise of sunrise.

 

Perhaps the typhoon had gone somewhere else, disappearing along with the small storm that had swept through their sealed room.

 

“What time does breakfast start again?”

 

“Half six.”

 

“Not long, then. What time’s checkout?”

 

“Noon. We’ll probably eat and then sleep like the dead.”

 

They were both exhausted, yet had woken absurdly early for one very serious reason.

 

Hunger.

 

“I’m worried we won’t wake up by noon.”

 

“Oh, I’m having pho today. Last time I was too full to fit it in.”

 

“And smoked salmon,” Sei continued, already planning breakfast. “And for eggs… Eggs Benedict.”

 

Hagiwara watched him with obvious amusement.

 

“What?”

 

“It’s just that after sex you get noticeably hungry, Nakarai-san. You don’t normally eat much.”

 

“If I ate as much as you when you’re walking around outside all day, I’d be huge.”

 

“True. But that’s why I like seeing you hungry.”

 

He looked genuinely delighted. For some reason, Sei found that unbearably embarrassing. He turned his face away and rolled over.

 

“Nakarai-san?”

 

“…Going to sleep.”

 

“There’s less than half an hour. I want to go down the second it opens.”

 

“I know.”

 

There was no chance he could sleep with his heart beating this fast.

 

Another new rain.

 

Another new storm.

 

Hagiwara brought them with him.

 

Quiet storms that existed only inside Sei’s chest.