Love Upon a Time: Special Edition.

Chapter 3 - Almost too late.

(This event continues from Special Episode 1 in the main volume).

 

Kaew thought he was dreaming, because the last time he was in the embrace of the man he had loved for so long had been so long that he had almost forgotten what it felt like. Having been embraced so many times before, P'Jom always kept his distance. He never hugged him again since they became young adults. Only Kaew would try to cling to his arm whenever they went anywhere together. Therefore, he felt that these embraces might disappear the moment he woke up. But if this were a dream, how could it explain the warmth of their bodies pressed together, and the touch of rough hands gently stroking his head? However, because this truth was too good to be true, it took Kaew some time to accept that P'Jom had really come to his house and had just confessed his love.

 

"You have shed many tears already. Don't cry anymore."

 

The deep, husky voice, tinged with guilt, made Kaew's eyes well up with tears. The small figure stifled a sob, wiping away the tears with his hand. He still had an important question to ask. The other person needed to understand, so they pulled away from the embrace and looked up at the tall figure.

 

"N-no, I'm not drunk. I can smell alcohol on you. And it's not like everything you said was just because you were drunk, is it?"

 

"Of course not," Jom replied with a chuckle. "I only had two drinks, how could I get drunk?"

 

"I don't know. Suddenly, you..." Kaew paused for a moment before asking in confusion, "Why did you change your mind? Just before, you were so cold to me."

 

"I never changed my mind," Jom sighed, reaching out to gently wipe the tears from his interlocutor's cheek. "I just realised that I didn't."

 

"You should just keep lying to yourself."

 

"lie?"

 

"Didn't I tell you that I loved you before?" A faint smile appeared on his handsome face, making the person he was looking at, Kaew, blush. No matter how many times it happened, just making eye contact, I couldn't control my heart from beating wildly when I was in front of this man.

 

"But there must be something that made you decide to come see me today, if not."

 

"Mm-hmm," Jom nodded, pulling the smaller figure closer and hugging her from behind.

 

"Brother... Brother Jom," Kaew said, his voice trembling, his face flushed at the unfamiliar closeness. "Wouldn't it be better if you let me go? Someone might see us." Although he was happy to be embraced, he was still afraid of being seen because they were sitting near the waterfront, so he tried to move away. Even so, Jom held him in his arms. He held his slender body close, resting his chin on his delicate shoulder and speaking softly.

 

"Never mind. I want to hug you. The weather is quite chilly today. Sitting like this will keep you warm while I tell you the story, which is a bit long. Do you want to hear it or not?" Kaew stopped moving away and nodded shyly. "Yes, I do."

 

"Then we have to go back to the day I told you to give up," the speaker said, his voice tinged with sadness as he recalled the day their breaking point arrived.

 

"Yes, I have never been attracted to you. Previously, I didn't want to say much because I saw you as a child. But since you won't listen, I will make it clear once more. I hope you'll stop bothering me."

 

His voice was colder than ever before when he spoke to the person in front of him, his beloved younger brother, who always had a bright smile and sparkling eyes. His face turned to one of profound pain, his beautiful eyes trembling as did the hand holding the food container.

 

Kaew would never know that saying those words caused Jom just as much pain, but he felt unsafe...it was getting too close. That feeling he had always denied that he thought of Kaew as anything more than a younger brother, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to control him. Lately, he didn't know how to face the other person anymore.

 

Kaew was so straightforward, never hiding his feelings for him. However, Jom lacked the courage to express his true feelings. He stayed close, like a red ant clinging to a mango tree, pretending to care for his younger sibling as a good older brother would, even though he knew that what he was doing went beyond the pure and innocent actions of a sibling. Then, his close friend Phop came to his house today, boldly saying he wanted to pursue a romantic relationship with Klao, even though he knew very well what would happen if anyone found out. It would inevitably face opposition and become the subject of gossip throughout the capital. That made Jom feel he needed to decide on the ambiguous relationship between himself and Kaew. Both for himself and Kaew, since he wasn't as brave as Ai Phop and Ai Khao.

 

"...I understand."

 

The trembling voice of the small figure made Jom feel like a sharp thorn was piercing his heart. A tear rolled down his soft cheek, which Kaew quickly wiped away.

 

"I understand now that everything I did was in vain. I like you, even if you don't like me. I still want to be close to you. But you probably see me as a nuisance, don't you?"

 

"Then I will not come to see you again and bother you, my dear."

 

No matter how hard he tried to be strong, he knew his heart was shattered inside. Tears streamed down his face, one after another. Jom had to use his strength to try his best to show no emotion, even though inside, I was filled with guilt and self-hatred. Even though he had known for a while that he had forbidden feelings, even though he knew how pure his feelings were, he let himself go too far, refusing to give in.

 

He was serious and determined, letting Kaew harbour hope for years, both possessively and greedily, captivated by the love in his eyes when he looked at Kaew, thus deepening both their relationship. The difference is that Kaew doesn't care what others think. Still, Jom is preoccupied with gossip and family reputation, and afraid to face the reality that he has gone mad and developed a crush on a man, so he continues to flirt with women to keep this secret hidden.

 

A man as fair-skinned as he is no longer worth Kaew's time. Therefore, everything should end here.

 

"I... I never thought you would be so cruel. I shouldn't have liked you. You wait... if there's a next life, I'll pray that you'll be the one to like me. And when that day comes, I will never see you again, brother!"

 

The small figure was gone, taking his heart with him. Jom knew he would never again see the smile and the joyful look in Kaew's eyes when he looked at him. He deserves it, since he's the one who destroyed all the good memories and feelings of the past several years with his own hands.

 

"Would that be alright?" Ai Phop murmured, his friend's sharp eyes clearly showing sympathy. Perhaps Ai Phop already guessed how he felt about Kaew, his childhood friend. This friend was intelligent, yet rarely spoke his mind. He knew Ai Phop's character well; if he didn't have affection for Kaew, he wouldn't care so much about a younger brother who was now a grown man, many years older, long enough to be married. He wouldn't insist on accompanying him home every time they went anywhere together, wouldn't volunteer to take food to Khun Phra Sinthranurak for the servants so often, or wouldn't offer to check the health of the masters and servants of Khun Phra's household every year, even though he wasn't usually that diligent.

 

In truth, Jom just wanted an excuse to see the youngest son of the nobleman. Kaew never knew that the sweets and food he had carefully prepared for him, even though he didn't often allow himself to touch them in front of the other person, but once the other person returned home, he would eat them all and sit there smiling to himself every time. No matter how hard Jom tried to hide these feelings, he couldn't escape the watchful eyes of his close friend. However, the fact that Phop never inquired seemed to be a way of waiting for him to admit it himself first. Because pointing a finger and saying that a man is attracted to other men is a grave insult.

 

"Good," he gritted his teeth, letting out a heavy sigh. "Let Kaew change his mind about me." He walked back up to the house, his fists clenched so tightly that his nails dug into his flesh. He repeatedly told himself that this was the right decision, even if Kaew never cared anyway.

 

Others often criticised Kaew, saying he acted like a shameful woman, but that was because Kaew didn't yet have a serious male partner. If Jom were to accept Kaew's love, the situation would be much worse; Kaew would be verbally abused and insulted uncontrollably. Words can be cruel. Jom didn't want his younger sibling to face such a situation, so he decided to nip it in the bud. Besides, he wasn't capable enough himself. To protect, one cannot show respect by daring to express true feelings like this. Kaew deserves to meet a woman or man who will cherish his pure heart, not someone who has hurt him again and again. Compared to Ai Phop, he's just plain trash.

 

From that day on, Kaew stopped coming to his house, stopped visiting the hospital to wait for him to finish work, severing their youthful relationship as he had vowed. Jom, though resigned to this, still harboured a selfish glimmer of hope that the little boy wouldn't give up on his love, just as he had done before.

But this time was different. In the past, Jom would brush it off playfully and change the subject, never cutting him off so cruelly. Kaew had done the same thing. Pride wouldn't lead him to pursue him any longer. Once a child has made a decision, he won't change his mind.

 

Therefore, his unrealistic and futile hopes were impossible, even though he knew the other person's character well. He tried to force himself to accept this, but he couldn't. Even after falling asleep for a night, the image of Kaew's flushed face remained deeply etched in his mind, refusing to fade. The guilt and sorrow of making the one he loved cry gnawed at him, tormenting him every day. The more Jom compared himself to his friend, the more ashamed he felt. Not only did Ai Phop dare to admit to himself that he liked men, but he also dared to admit it to him.

 

And society dared to move forward in asking for Klao's love, dared to face the gossip that spread quickly among the villagers. Even the servants in his household gathered together to gossip with great relish.

 

"What a pity. Such a handsome Lord, it's unbelievable that he would lose his mind."

 

"It's not that they're possessed by a ghost, who knows? Maybe they've been cursed with black magic. They were friends, but one became successful, while the other is the son of a prisoner. And he's a gangster; perhaps he wants to drag the nobleman down with him?"

 

"Ah, but then again, Lord Muen still refuses to marry, and he's even rejected, Miss Wanna. He probably hasn't been bewitched. Perhaps things really aren't going well."

 

"What are you talking about! You live and sleep in my house, and you dare speak of my friend like that!!!" Jom, who had just returned from the hospital, happened to overhear the commoners' arguing. The gossiping man, who had been spreading rumours without any fear, became furious and shouted so loudly that those of lower status trembled and bowed repeatedly.

 

"B-but...I beg your forgiveness, mister! I have sinned. I am willing to be punished, but please, don't banish or sell us!" one of the maids pleaded, tears streaming down her face.

Flowing profusely. His father, Phraya Sukkosol, was also known for treating his servants well, no less than Phraya Phichaiphakdi. There was hardly any mistreatment of the servants. It wasn't a serious offence, and Jom didn't condone the use of force, so he tried his best to suppress his anger while reprimanding them.

 

"From now on, don't let me hear anyone speak ill of Phop and Klao. If you don't want to end up begging on the streets, then remember that!"

 

"Yes... Sir. We, your servants, will remember it by heart."

 

Being a beggar is worse than being a slave, so no one dared to contradict his threat. Jom stomped up to the house, his heels pounding. He dismissed his servant and sat in his bedroom to calm himself down. Luckily, his father and brothers hadn't returned from work yet, and his mother was visiting friends, so he didn't have to ask anyone what made him so angry. In the past, Jom had hardly ever shown such anger.

 

The tall figure sat down on the bed. The anger began to fade from his eyes, replaced by confusion and shame. Despite being in the same situation, Ai Phop stood with his chest puffed out. Facing the accusations without fear, compared to him who could only protect his friends behind their backs, deceiving everyone, including himself, Jom had no face to confront Prapaklao or Kaew, who by now was probably furious with him.

 

Later, Jom heard news that the house of Phraya Phichai Phakdi was almost in chaos when Ai Phop took Klao to confess their relationship to the Phraya and his wife. During that time, his friend disappeared completely. Jom himself didn't dare visit the house for fear of saying something that would anger the Phraya. Unsure of the current state of the father-son relationship and whether he would be turned away if he asked to see Ai Phop, he could only wait for his friend to contact him. He also looked for him in the bars where he and Ai Phop used to drink together every day, but he never saw him.

 

Months of the monsoon season had passed, and finally, Jom heard rumours that the Lord's anger had subsided, perhaps he had come to terms with it, or perhaps not. Perhaps he had given up hope, but it seemed his friend had overcome this greatest obstacle with sincerity, something the warrior could hardly have imagined. He wished he had that kind of courage. No... maybe if Ai Phop could do it, he could too. Ever since he spoke those cruel words to Kaew, Jom had regretted it constantly. There were many times he wished he could go back in time and apologise to Kaew, tell him he lied, tell him that he had always loved him. Day by day, this feeling grew heavier, forcing Jom to rely on alcohol to sleep. But even when he woke up, he couldn't shake off the pain.

 

Because fighting leads to success. What if he changed his approach to protecting Kaew from denial of the truth to acceptance and then tried to fight back? Would he be able to?

Can you explain it to your parents so they understand and accept it, and so they can protect both Kaew and your family, as well as the other party, from the negativity of others? Even so, Jom was still unsure if he could succeed. Besides, even if he wanted to fight, what good would it do since he had already spoken ill of Kaew? His younger brother… He probably hates him so much that he doesn't even want to see his face.

 

"Where are you going, Jom?" Lady Pikul, his mother, hurried in to ask with a worried expression one late morning. "I'm off work today, aren't I?"

 

"Son, wouldn't it be better to stay at home? Lately, I've noticed you haven't looked well."

 

"I'm going around here, ma'am. I might be back late. I'm not ill, so you don't need to worry," Jom said in a lifeless voice. Although it was a day off, the young herbalist's heart was too restless to stay home. He decided to go to the market for a drink, at least to ease his intoxication. The pain seemed to lessen slightly. I want to feel better for a little while.

 

Since his mother couldn't stop him, she could only watch as he disembarked from the house with a worried look. Jom ordered Pao to row him to the market, and then sent him back to his house. He headed to the liquor store, intending to drink until sunset.

 

"You've been visiting quite often lately, Doctor," said the familiar liquor store employee as he brought over bottles, cups, and some snacks. At the table, "If you weren't such a handsome man, I would think you're drinking so often because some lady from a noble family has dumped you."

 

"It was I who rejected her, and now I'm sitting here regretting it," the man thought to himself, pouring himself some wine and draining the cup in one gulp. Before he could pour another, he heard a familiar voice.

 

"Are you going to get completely drunk early in the day?"

 

"Ai Phop?" The young herbalist raised his eyebrows, looking at his friend in a patrol uniform approaching with great surprise. 

 

"You're not usually stationed here. Is this not the area?"

 

My friend from my youth smiled. "We've temporarily switched areas because the caretaker here is sick."

 

Ai Phop's face looked very cheerful, even though some of the villagers looked at him strangely. But Ai Phop didn't care and spoke to them fairly. The person in question invited the other to sit down and chat for a while, catching up on each other's lives.

 

"You and Ai Klao seem to be very happy together," Jom remarked, instantly eliciting a faint smile and a sparkle in his interlocutor's eyes.

 

"Hmm, it seems my parents have come to terms with it. I think my mother probably knows that I sneak into Klao's room every night, but she hasn't really scolded me." His friend's laughter only added to Jom's dejection. It wasn't that he disapproved of the couple's love, but he felt even more worthless than he ever had before. They even stood up and fought back. It was only right that it ended this way.

 

"And you? Have you seen Kaew since that day?" Phop asked, looking at him with a scrutinising gaze. Jom snorted and turned his face away in denial. "Would you want to see someone who hurt you so deeply? I myself have no face to meet Kaew. By now, he probably hates me."

 

"You know that's impossible," Phop said softly, asking a question that made Jom pause the moment he was pouring wine into the cup. 

 

"You like men, too. I guessed correctly."

 

"...That's right, befitting of a lord." 

 

The submissive one, displaying such despair, made further refusal futile. The young herbalist looked up at his friend and continued in an unsteady voice, "I am such a coward. Although I like men, I dare not admit the truth."

 

"I think you must have your own reasons," Phop's rough, calloused hand, calloused from handling weapons, moved to squeeze his shoulder as he spoke. "But if you wish to tell me, I will listen. Right here."

 

"I..." 

 

Jom swallowed hard, putting down the bottle of liquor in his hand. "Perhaps it's because I'm selfish. The truth is, no matter how people see me, I'm a herbalist; they'll have to rely on me when they're sick anyway. I wouldn't dare speak too much. But my parents, my brothers and sisters, my family, if they were to be affected because I like men, wouldn't that be unfair?"

 

"And then there's Kaew... you know, the villagers don't see Kaew in a good light because he doesn't act like a man. If I were to express my feelings and say I like him and want to be with him, then the attacks will get worse. How can I bear to watch him being slandered? And what about his parents?" 

 

Jom raised his hand to his forehead, closing his eyes in distress.

 

"Love alone isn't enough. If my acceptance of your love hurts you, then I cannot bear it."

 

"Klao said the same thing to me," Phop murmured.

 

The look in his eyes as he spoke made Jom realise immediately that those words must have deeply hurt his friend. "Love alone isn't enough... but for me, the perversion isn't in my heart, it's this society. Liking women is acceptable, but liking men is branded as insane. Both are private matters, harmless to others, yet they're deemed abnormal. And blaming families who have nothing to do with it is utter nonsense. So who do you think is truly abnormal?"

 

"That's true," Jom said weakly. "If societal norms didn't dictate that men must be paired with women, then this problem wouldn't exist."

 

"I think life is short, and the thing I least want to do is deny the truth, because I know it will linger in my heart for the rest of my life since I can't stop loving him."

 

"Yes, I will do everything to be with him. Even if others curse me, so be it. They don't diminish my love for him; they do not affect my life," his friend said firmly.

 

If he were the king, he would be overjoyed to know that someone was so steadfast in their love for him.

 

"I understand your reasons," Phop said, giving him a comforting smile and regaining his composure. 

 

"But you forgot one thing. You're not the only one making the decision. You also have to make a decision. And your younger brother has already made his decision since he declared his affection for you. For many years, he has openly courted you in front of everyone. You thought that Lord Phra and Lady Chuen wouldn't know that their son liked you romantically. But the fact that Kaew has been able to court you all this time means that Kaew's family has also anticipated the outcome and prepared themselves for it."

 

"So now it's your decision, Jom. You still have a chance to reconcile with your brother. Don't let your friendship end like this. I will say what I think."

 

"Indeed, you could go and apologise for your harsh words. Whichever path you choose, I will always be by your side."

 

Those words finally freed Jom from his whirlwind of confusion. At least he should gather the courage to apologise to Kaew as a gentleman would. But before Jom could decide what to do with this relationship, whether to move forward or apologise to preserve their sibling-like relationship. Then Phop casually said, "If you're still undecided, I have something that might help you make a decision."

 

"What's the matter?"

 

"I heard that Phra Sinthranurak will send Kaew to Pak Nam Pho, and my younger brother will probably stay there to serve in the government. If he goes, he will likely settle there permanently."

 

"..."

Jom was speechless, his mind blank. Perhaps being struck by lightning was a close approximation of how he felt right now. He stood up, took some money from his bag, and placed it down on the table, then ran out of the liquor store and straight to the dock before his subconscious could even give him a word.

 

Kaew was about to leave, knowing that they would never see each other again. The thought filled him with restlessness. Upon reaching the pier, he hailed a ferry to take him to the residence of Phra Sin immediately.

 

"How much more do I have to pay to get there faster?"

 

"I...I've rowed as hard as I could, Doctor," the boatman stammered.

 

Normally, Jom never thought the boat was this slow. If he had ridden a horse, he would have reached his destination long ago. He was terrified like never before, afraid that if I arrive even a second late, it will be too late forever. As he hurriedly ran up from the dock at the residence of Phra Sinthranurak, he saw the face he had missed so much sitting on the pavilion in the garden nearby, the place he had visited. Great. His heart seemed to burst with overwhelming relief.

 

"Kaew!"

 

"Brother Jom... have you come to see me?"

 

Kaew is still here, and he won't lie to himself anymore. In the end, even if he doesn't reciprocate his love, it's okay. All he wants is for Kaew not to leave.

 

"I only dared to accept the truth when I heard you were leaving." he tightened his embrace, burying his face in his narrow shoulder after recounting the whole story. He said in a muffled voice, "I am such a coward. I can't even come close to defeating you. I'm truly sorry."

 

"You should apologise to me," Kaew said petulantly to the dejected doctor. "You made me cry for months! My eyes are all swollen."

 

"That's it. And I've gotten thinner too."

 

"I was wrong," the other person said, hugging him even tighter, as if afraid of being pushed away. Kaew exhaled and turned away. Initially, Jom wouldn't let go, but when Kaew spoke softly, he loosened his embrace after a moment of hesitation.

 

"Why have you become so thin?" Kaew murmured, stroking the cheek of the older man, who had looked thinner since the last time they met. His full lips were tightly pressed together, trying to suppress his emotions. "If you were going to be heartbroken too, then don't have rejected me in the first place!"

 

"I was foolish. Please forgive me," Jom reached out and held her hand, his gaze pleading. Kaew nodded, but still looked at him with hesitation. "So, you weren't really drunk, were you?"

 

"No," Jom replied with a chuckle, taking one of his hands and kissing the back of it without leaving his beautiful face, causing Kaew to flinch and blush. Then, wanting to see those cheeks flush even more, Jom leaned his face closer. Strong arms wrapped around his slender waist, and he whispered above his full lips, "If you don't believe me, I'll prove it to you."

 

A warm touch was placed on Kaew's lips, his eyes widening at the intimacy he'd never experienced before. Jom seemed completely unconcerned that someone might see them.

His lips, slightly parted in a gentle caress, beckoned him with a response, biting and nipping slowly and deliberately. The warm tip of his tongue traced the gap between his lips, alternating with gentle sucking, the soft sounds of their kisses echoing in the ears of the tightly-closed-eye Kaew, who responded awkwardly, for he had never experienced anything like this with anyone before. 

 

The faint scent of alcohol from the older man's body wafted into his mouth, as if to intoxicate the smaller man's senses. He heard a soft chuckle from P'Jom, and then the kiss intensified. The experienced man taught him how to kiss for a long time. The breathing of both bodies was rapid until Kaew felt like he was going to suffocate, but before he ran out of air...When he finally took a deep breath, P'Jom pulled his lips away. His night- coloured eyes gleamed as he gazed at his flushed face and numb lips.

 

"I'm not drunk, believe me," the handsome man said, using one hand to gently stroke the slightly swollen, rosy lips with his thumb, a skilful and pleasing gesture. He then said in a gentle voice, "My dear, I truly love you."

 

If his heart were a firework, it would have exploded this time. Kaew couldn't face Jom any longer, so he hugged his waist and buried his face in his broad shoulder.

 

"You kissed me, you have to take responsibility!" he mumbled. The familiar sulky voice relaxed Jom. He kissed the temple of the stubborn child in his arms and whispered in his ear, "You're welcome, sir."