Love Upon a Time: Special Edition.

Chapter 1 - Engraved in the mind.

"Master Klao, I suggest you have the servants help make the krathong (floating lanterns). It's almost time for our appointment with Master Phop and the others, isn't it?" said Luang Preechaphiban, my father.

 

With a chuckle, he watched me sit hunched over, making a single floating lantern since the sun was directly overhead, and now, as the sun was setting, it was still not finished.

 

"I want to do it myself, Father. I can do it," I insisted, my gaze fixed on the strip of banana leaf in my hand, carefully folding it into a petal for what seemed like a hundredth krathong. Perhaps I've done my best, even though this lantern I'm assembling isn't exactly presentable.

 

Today is the full moon of the twelfth lunar month, the Loy Priang festival! It has arrived once again. The entire city of Ayutthaya is adorned with lanterns and full of festivities. With the villagers chatting and sharing the same goal of attending the festival, even though Loy Krathong isn't limited to just this day, the full moon of the twelfth lunar month is still considered the most important day of the festival.

 

Thai people like us enjoy entertainment. Whenever the Loy Priang festival is held, various temples often organise celebrations. I, who usually don't like going out, even from home, can't wait for this night when I can go float lanterns with my friends.

 

Loy Krathong is a way to worship Phra Mae Khongkha, express gratitude for the water that nourishes all life, and ask for forgiveness for any harm we may have caused. The act of washing away impurities from the water, as well as casting away misfortune and sorrow, makes the krathong a heartfelt offering from its creator. Therefore, whether it is beautiful or not is not the main point. I believe what is more important is the expression of sincere intention in worshipping Mother Ganga. Mother Ganga will surely know my devotion and grant me blessings for happiness and fulfilment.

 

Furthermore, because I would be celebrating Loy Krathong with someone special, I put extra effort into folding each banana leaf and securing it to the banana stalk with a toothpick, even though it looked a bit crooked, sometimes slightly larger, sometimes smaller. I am a man, usually engrossed in books, and rarely involved in delicate crafts. Therefore, my krathong is not as beautiful as those made by the forest dwellers, who are far more skilled at banana leaf krathongs than I am. But I know that if P'Phop knew I made this krathong myself, he would smile and offer words of praise and encouragement.

 

Therefore, it was essential for me to make this krathong with my own hands. Originally, I wanted to make krathongs for my father and my brother Phop as well, but after I started making them, I had to abandon that idea because I didn't want to embarrass them in front of others.

 

"Alright, alright, as you please," my father said, probably too weary to dissuade me, knowing my stubborn nature at times. He sighed and said, as if muttering to himself, "If your mother were still alive, she would have taught you. She was very skilled at these things. You wouldn't have had to waste your time, half a day like this."

 

I agree with you, Father. Although my memories of my mother are rather hazy because she passed away when I was young, as far as I can remember, I often saw her making garlands, and her body smelled fragrant, like the flowers she spent every day with.

 

"I'm going out for a bit. Phraya Phichai Phakdi invited me to drink at his house." My father stood up, grabbed the trusty sword that was lying beside him, and set off. Then he walked over and stroked my head. Even though I was 15 this year, I still appreciated my father's affection. "Don't get too carried away and come home too late. The dew is heavy in this cold weather; you might catch a cold again."

 

"I don't get sick as easily as I used to," I said softly. In my youth, I was indeed prone to illness, but as I grew older, I became strong. At least I haven't caught a single fever all year.

 

"But if you feel unwell, don't push yourself. Come back quickly, understand?" My father cautioned, his voice filled with distrust. I nodded in agreement and bowed to bid him farewell as he walked down from the house with his head servant. Beside me, my personal servant, Chuey, leaned forward. He whispered, hesitant, "Lord Klao, I must say...tonight..."

 

"Go wherever you wish, you don't need to follow me," I said knowingly. Chuey was fourteen, at an age when he desired independence and was looking for a life partner. It seemed my servant was following another servant girl, Sai, around in a sedan chair. Perhaps he'd rather take Sai for a walk at the festival than follow his mistress, me.

 

The young man's mouth dropped open, and he blinked in confusion for a moment. When he regained his composure and realised what I had said, he smiled nervously, "B-but...that would be good, sir."

 

"I'm not going alone. Brother Phop, Brother Jom, and Kaew are all with me. You'd better hurry up and win Sai's heart."

 

"Y-yes, sir," the servant stammered, his face flushed red. He quickly reached out to massage my legs, trying to please me, which made me unable to suppress a smile. As an only son with no siblings, I was naturally fond of servants younger than me. This person is not disliked by his younger brother. Even the younger servants beside me are already in love, and I... I already have someone in my heart. 

 

As the sun sets, the sky turns orange as I place the last marigold flower in the banana leaf offering tray. I let out a heavy sigh, lingering. My gaze lingered on the work of others with pride, just as I heard footsteps climbing the stairs. My heart fluttered with anticipation as I turned to look at the visitor.

 

"Klao"

 

As the sun set, P'Phop's smile shone as brightly as the morning sun. I smiled broadly before I even realised it.

 

"Before I left, I ran into the abbot. He happened to be visiting my father," said the deep, low voice of the sixteen-year-old boy with a handsome face, as he walked straight ahead.

 

"Come to me, where I'm sitting in the pavilion on the veranda. 'You told me you made the krathong yourself? What inspired you?"

 

"We are here to pay our respects to Mother Ganga, so I wanted to do it myself," I replied, averting my gaze to the floating lantern on the ground, too shy to make eye contact.

 

P'Phop is a friend I've known since I was little. He was my first friend in life because his father was a childhood friend of my father. Even though we're only one year apart in age, it didn't make me any less close to him. He was both a kind friend and an older brother, always looking after me and showing me care. I have always admired him, but I don't know when I started feeling nervous around him, and longing for him almost constantly. This makes me both happy and worried. We're going through this together, but even so, I still want to see P'Phop. I want to be close to him forever.

 

"That's true," he said, kneeling and moving closer, leaning forward to look at my floating lantern. I unconsciously swallowed hard at the closeness. He was only a year older than me, yet now he was half a head taller. His once lanky, boyish physique had become well-built and muscular. I'm a grown man now. My father says I can still grow taller until I'm eighteen. Someday I'll be as tall as him. But even so, I probably still feel smaller, perhaps because he gives off such an older brother vibe.

 

"This is my first time doing it myself."

 

"Yes, sir. It doesn't seem to be working very well."

 

"No, I think it's beautiful," P'Phop averted his gaze from the floating lantern and met my eyes, then smiled. "Effort is always beautiful. You did a great job, my dear." I sat there silently, but my heart was pounding as if I were running. I couldn't stop myself from smiling. Seeing me smile, P'Phop gently ruffled my hair, then he sprang to his feet.

 

"Let's go. It will be dark before we reach the temple. Jom and Kaew must have arrived by now."

 

"Yes, sir," I said, picking up my own floating lantern. But before they could get down from the house, P'Phop turned to Chuey and said, 

 

"Hey Chuey, go get a blanket."

 

"Yes, sir," he hurriedly followed the order. A few moments later, he ran back with a cloak. "Here you go, Khun Phop," he said, taking the cloth and moving closer to me. He folded it into a scarf. I stood frozen as he draped it around my neck and secured it.

 

With a smile, he said, "The dew is very heavy this evening. If I take you out and you get sick on the way back, the master will scold us. And I don't want to see you lying there admiring the dew."

 

"Okay, everything's ready. Let's go."

 

"Yes, sir," I said softly, following him down the stairs, my heart beating erratically. Lately, when he cared for me or showed any interest, I could hardly hide my joy. If anyone knew what was in my heart, they would probably think I had gone mad.

 

Brother Phop's boat was waiting at the dock by my house, with Ai Kong, Brother Phop's servant, already waiting to row it. Since I used to frequent P’Phop’s place when I was a child, whenever we went anywhere together, P'Phop would always offer me his hand to help me get on and off the boat. Even though we're young men now, he still treats me like a little brother.

 

"Your floating lantern..." I turned around, looking at the large, ornate lantern placed in front of my step-brother.

 

"Mom made it," P'Phop replied, followed by Kong's hearty laughter.

 

"Actually, I should say that almost all of the maidservants in the house made krathongs for you, Khun Phop. Perhaps you wanted to be polite to them, so you didn't choose one and ask the lady of the house to make it for you."

 

"You're getting more and more talkative every day," P'Phop playfully reprimanded his trusted servant. I felt the lump in my left chest grow larger.

 

"If I had known you were going to make the krathong yourself, I would have come with you earlier in the day. Let's do it together next year, if not."

 

"...Yes, sir," I replied, slower than usual for a moment, my heart slowly sinking. Next year? Will there be a year when we can celebrate Loy Krathong together? I'm not so sure, because perhaps this will be the last time I go to the Loy Krathong festival with P'Phop, P'Jom, and Kaew. 

 

The other day, I happened to overhear one of my father's friends, who had visited the house, say that my father might be promoted and transferred to become a high-ranking official in another city. If that's the case, I'll have no choice but to follow him. Anyway, that's something that hasn't happened yet. It's pointless for me to think about it now; I'd rather enjoy the festival. Besides, P'Phap has started a conversation with me.

 

Miscellaneous matters, so I shifted my attention to the conversation. Actually, P'Phop isn't very talkative. Among our friends, the most talkative one is probably our youngest, Kaew, who is two years younger than I am. Next is P'Jom, who's all talkative. He's chatty with both young and older women (but when older adults are together, I usually hear more complaints about the glass from P'Jom's mouth). As for P'Phop, he's always smiling and adding to the conversation, rarely initiating conversations himself, except when he's with me, since I'm the quietest, so he's always the one to start the conversation.

 

"Hold my hand," P'Phop said as the boat docked at the pier of a temple, our destination. After I safely disembarked, P'Phop turned and instructed, "Go have some fun. Wait for me here around nine o'clock."

 

"Yes, sir!" Kong replied enthusiastically. Without waiting for a second word, the young man darted off into the crowd. I carried my own floating lantern, walking slightly behind P'Phop, and scanned the bustling temple grounds, decorated with brightly lit lanterns that made it seem like daytime. The Songkran festival, besides worshipping the goddess of the river, is also a way to honour ancestors, so lanterns were placed everywhere. In the twilight, the lanterns shone brightly, competing with the full moon and stars.

 

I could hear the sounds of entertainment in the distance. Turning the other way, I saw stalls selling food, snacks, and miscellaneous items. I was a little dizzy from the sheer number of people, but it still feels good to be at the festival today.

 

"Oh, there's P'Phop! P'Klao!"

 

The cheerful voices calling my name and the name of the person beside me were definitely the youngest in the group, a small boy whose face was now beginning to show signs of puberty. The older boy was pulling the arm of another tall young man who was holding two floating lanterns, urging him to push through the crowd towards us. Jom's handsome face showed a hint of weariness and exasperation, but he followed Kaew's lead without resistance.

 

"Have you been here long?"

 

"Just a little while," Kaew replied to P'Phop, before turning to me and frowning. "P'Klao is wearing the same outfit again, Than. He always wears this whenever he goes out. Why not buy a new one sometimes?"

 

"I don't go out much. Even if I buy something, I might not get to wear it." I smiled slightly. I'm not the type to travel around. Even the temple festival is one I attend only once a year. I rarely see any. The need to buy clothes for the trip meant the only things that cost me money were notebooks and books.

 

Upon hearing this, P'Jom chuckled. "It's good that you're so thrifty. Who would be so extravagant, wanting to buy everything, especially sweets, like you?"

 

"P'Jom!" Kaew pouted. Jom had always liked to tease the youngest member of the group, making him sulk, but even so, Kaew was still very attached to P'Jom. He could never stay angry for more than half a day now.

 

"You say that, but I always see you indulging Kaew, don't I? You're even the one paying for it," I interrupted. My interlocutor sighed heavily. "I just don't want to listen to the whining and spoiled behaviour of that kid from around here."

 

"I'll nag you for the rest of my life, just you wait!" Kaew lifted his chin before turning back to me. "But I'm serious, you're truly handsome. If only you knew how to dress better..."

 

"Noy, that lady must be getting the attention of everyone in the whole city, just like Phop."

 

"Then I would be troubled," the deep voice of the person being referred to interrupted. Those dark eyes turned to meet mine, and he smiled, and once again I avoided his gaze.

 

Kaew diverted his attention from his brothers' romantic entanglements, pointing out the floating lantern in Jom's hand and smiling sweetly, his eyes crinkling into slits.

 

"Look, P'Klao, look! I made this krathong myself! P'Jom's is also my work!"

 

Kaew preferred domestic skills to practising boxing or swordsmanship, unlike other boys. Moreover, his parents, Phra Sinthranurak and Khunying Chuen, indulged him and didn't force him. Therefore, the boy has spent the past two years sewing, embroidering, or cooking. The result of his training was two exquisitely crafted, flawless krathongs. 

 

I think I'll hide my own floating lantern behind me.

 

"You're so beautiful and so talented."

 

"That's more like it. If it's pretty, say it's pretty. If you say I'm talented, say it. Brother Klao, you're not as stubborn as you are. I put so much effort into it!" At the end of the sentence, the boy turned away with a grumpy face.

 

Brother Jom raised his eyebrows. "You'll get conceited if you praise me too much. Besides, I didn't ask you to make a krathong for me. How dare you say that, you child?"

 

"But I wanted to do this," Kaew said softly, reaching out to grasp P'Jom's upper arm. It was dark, but the light from the nearby lanterns allowed me to see P'Jom secretly smiling.

 

"It's getting crowded. Let's go float our lanterns," P'Phop said when he saw the crowd getting thicker. P'Jom and I nodded, while Kaew enthusiastically agreed.

 

"Go ahead!"

 

The temple's waterfront was crowded with villagers who had come to float their lanterns, fearing the water couldn't support their weight. Most people stood and prayed from afar. On the shore, after finishing their prayers, they would walk down to the waterfront, float their krathong in the canal, and quickly return to shore without lingering.

 

I stood with my eyes closed, asking Mother Ganga for forgiveness and offering many prayers. The flame flickered on the small candle in the floating lantern as the cold wind swayed it. A gentle breeze blew as I launched my krathong with P’Phop, P’Jom, and Kaew. We watched as our krathong floated slowly down the river, joining others that illuminated the bend tonight. Upon returning to shore, P'Phop turned to ask with a smile, "What were you praying for? You were asleep for quite a while."

 

"Many things, sir," I swallowed hard. Whether it was divine inspiration or not, I blurted it out before I knew what I meant. 

 

"I said I wanted to be with... I wanted..."

 

"I'll stay with you guys forever."

 

"And what about me!" Kaew’s face lit up.

 

"You too," I quickly added before the boy could be upset, secretly clenching my jaw and my heart pounding. I wasn't lying, but I hadn't told the whole truth either. I prayed that I could stay with everyone like this forever, that I could be with P'Phop forever. I liked P'Jom and Kaew very much, too, but the most important person to me was him, and only him.

 

"You're such a good boy, Ai Kaew," P'Jom said, glancing at the smallest boy. "And you? You must have prayed to get money to buy sweets."

 

"There's a lot of it, isn't there?"

 

"Not at all. I prayed that you would like me." 

 

Kaew said confidently. I paused for a moment. P'Phop also turned to look at Kaew, but P'Jom just rolled his eyes and teased, "I don't love  naughty kids."

 

"I'm a good boy!"

 

"Naughty child!"

 

Then the two of them started arguing as if they had completely forgotten about us. Finally, P'Phop stepped in as a referee to stop the fight by suggesting they buy some food. We had snacks while sitting on a mat and watching the performance. As soon as the topic of food came up, Kaew immediately ran ahead, leaving his three older brothers to hurry behind.

 

P’Phop and P’Jom treated Kaew and me to a meal. After we ate, we sat outside and watched a play together. But I have to confess, I couldn't concentrate much because my attention was drawn to the person sitting next to me.

 

Brother Phop's knee, as he sat cross-legged watching the play, touched mine. Although the air was quite cool, I felt a burning sensation throughout my body, and eventually I had to move away. He snapped back to reality by telling all three of them that he was going to relieve himself.

 

I stood by the waterfront to calm myself down for a while. When I returned to the theatre area, I found only Kaew left, sitting alone, eating sticky rice cakes.

 

"Where did those two go?"

 

"P'Phop saw that he ran into an old friend, so he went to stand and chat with him on the bridge over there," Kaew gestured to the right, then turned his face to the left sulkily. "And P'Jom..."

 

"Look at him standing there flirting with that woman! The one I saw smiling sweetly at the other wasn't him at all! Those womanising men!"

 

I followed the boy's gaze and saw my senior friend's tall figure standing there, smiling sweetly and chatting with a girl. Ever since he started puberty, my senior friend has been flirting with girls. Whenever we go out together, the other person always makes their way off on their own. It's a sight we've gotten used to, but strangely, they still haven't settled down with anyone. As for P'Phop... I've never seen him court any woman, and I'm sure I'd rather not see it.

 

"Isn't that typical of him?"

 

"That's what's making me uneasy," Kaew said, hunching his shoulders and absentmindedly picking at the steamed rice cakes with a toothpick, before turning to me and asking in a serious tone, "What do you think, P'Klao? P’Jom wants to get married, but if he does, what will I do? I'm only thirteen, and my father won't let me marry yet."

 

I asked, chuckling, "Then why are you in such a hurry to get married and follow your elder brother?"

 

"I don't want to marry like my older brother; I want to marry him."

 

"..."

 

"I'm serious. I really like P'Jom."

 

"...My dear child," I smiled slightly, reaching out to affectionately ruffle the boy's hair, "you also said you liked P'Klao and P'Phop. That means you want to marry those guys, too, is that right?"

 

"I like you two, yes," the boy said, looking left and right at the villagers sitting around watching the play. Seeing that they were engrossed in the performance, he stopped. Kaew turned to look at me and lowered his voice.

 

"But it's a different kind of love from P'Jom. I want to spend my life with him as husband and wife," Kaew replied with a serious tone beyond his years. In an instant, I felt that my younger brother was no longer a child, and what Kaew said left me speechless for many reasons. 

 

A man must be paired with a woman; that's what it should be, and it's been instilled in everyone since childhood. Even when I grew up and learned that there were men in that brothel, some men provide services to other men, but that is considered shameful. Only those without dignity would do it, and those who seek their services are those with perverse and deviant tastes. You are welcome to visit, but you must be careful not to get caught. If anyone finds out, your entire family's reputation will be ruined. The fact that Kaew said something shocking is unbelievable.

 

That came out of nowhere because deep down, I myself am a bit of a lunatic who fears that this secret will be discovered someday. Kaew was still young, which is why he dared to speak like that. In one sense, it was due to his innocence, but in another sense, Kaew was also very brave.

 

"Do you despise me, brother?" Kaew's face fell when he saw that I didn't respond. It seemed his younger brother already knew that his preferences were unusual.

 

"No, I would never dislike you," I quickly replied. Upon hearing this, the boy's face brightened.

 

"Thank you. I'm still afraid that if my brother, or even Phop, found out, they would think I've gone crazy. But I know myself well enough to know that I'm not delirious, and a ghost hasn't possessed me. I just like him a lot, and I don't want to lie to myself." Kaew pursed his lips, his expression falling. "But P'Jom doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm just talking like a child."

 

I thought so too, but another part of me thought it couldn't be. Kaew is thirteen, just one more year until he's old enough to get married. How could he not understand his own feelings?

 

I, at thirteen, felt the same way as Kaew, except it took me two stacks of paper to fully understand and accept the truth that I liked men.

 

"I prayed with the floating lantern, asking that I would be united in love with P'Jom. Do you think I'll marry P'Jom if I do?" Kaew asked with hopeful eyes. I didn't want to shatter my younger brother's pure hope, so I answered evasively, "Perhaps it depends on fate."

 

"That's right."

 

"What are you two talking about?"

 

We both jumped when we heard a deep voice behind us. P'Phop walked back and sat down beside me again, looking at us alternately.

 

"We were talking about going to buy more steamed rice cakes, weren't we? I'm still not full," Kaew quickly changed the subject and winked at me. His eyes still held a determined, unwilling look. That was it. I've never had one, not even once.

 

I've glanced at P'Phop countless times today, wondering how much time I have left while I can sit beside him like this. When the dew began to fall heavily, it was time to disperse and return home.

 

"I'm learning to make some sweets. I'll bring some for you, P'Klao," Kaew said as a parting remark before P'Jom pulled his arm and hurried away. Since the boy was reluctant to go back, they had to keep a close eye on him. It seemed like Pao would have to row Kaew back to his house first, as usual. As for me, I rode back with P'Phop, just like on the way there, and was instructed to cover my head with a cloth to protect it from the dew during the boat ride back.

 

"Hurry and come up to the house," P'Phop said, stepping onto the dock to wait for me as usual when he would row his boat to the dock at my house. I took his hand and suddenly felt an unwillingness to let go.

 

"Brother Phop, would you mind sitting and watching the stars with me for a while?" I asked, holding my breath. His sharp, dark eyebrows raised slightly. It was rare for me to ask him for anything; perhaps this was why he couldn't refuse, and he finally nodded.

 

"okay"

 

P'Phop looked to Kong, signalling him to tie the boat down and keep watch from a distance. He then sat down on the steps of the waterside pavilion beside me, gazing up at the sparkling sky. Stars surround the bright full moon, interspersed with small floating lanterns drifting along the current, some appearing only occasionally.

 

"Did you have fun today?"

 

"It was fun."

 

"I enjoyed it too. I'm glad to hear you were happy."

 

We didn't talk much, each lost in our own thoughts, enjoying the quiet moment. I gazed at the canal, the candlelight. A single floating lantern, drifting past the dock in front of the house, flickered and went out in the wind, as if signalling the end of this relaxing moment.

 

"Come inside now, it's very cold. You'll catch a cold again," P'Phop said. But when he saw that I didn't answer, the corner of his mouth curved higher. "Heh heh, looking at me with such longing..."

 

"What is it? Do you want me to sleep with you like when you were a child? You are of marriageable age now."

 

"Not... at all," I murmured, my face flushing uncontrollably at the incredibly gentle teasing tone.

 

"P'Phop"

 

"What's up?"

 

"If... one day I have to move to another city, will you contact me?"

 

He paused for a moment before saying, "You mean the news that your father, the 

nobleman, might be appointed as the Grand Chamberlain, right?" It seems this news has spread widely among the officials. Brother Phop must have heard about it from the officials who have visited his father, the nobleman. He nodded sadly.

 

"If possible, I'd rather not go at all. You think I'd look like an ungrateful child for not wanting to follow Father."

 

"No," he reassured me.

 

Then the next sentence made my heart race.

 

"I didn't really want you to go, but if possible, I would have liked to take you to the Priang Festival every year. But people must grow up and find their own path. If you really have to move to another city, I will write to you often, okay?" He smiled reassuringly.

 

"Yes, sir."

 

The light from the pavilion was dim, so I couldn't clearly see what P'Phop's eyes looked like at that moment.

 

"Now you can go inside," he said, squeezing my shoulder gently before stroking my head. The warm touch made me shiver slightly with embarrassment. "Good night."

 

"Likewise, sir," I said, bowing respectfully.

 

P'Phop watched until I climbed the stairs to the house, then he called for Kong to take the boat out. I watched him leave from afar on the balcony, my heart feeling both warm and lonely.

 

Kaew is so brave to express his feelings, unlike me, who is incredibly cowardly. I'm afraid that if I speak, the gentle gaze he's always given me will turn into disgust, or even if P'Phop remains kind to me, I don't want to offend him, neither with my inappropriate feelings nor with the slander and gossip that people will spread.

 

The sound of the oar dipping in the water faded away with each passing moment, leaving only me standing alone. No matter how deeply these unspoken words of love are etched in my heart, P'Phop will never know them in his lifetime.