Love Upon A Time.

A Search of Heart

Tonight is another night where my sleep isn't just filled with emptiness. I dreamt again, this time about my childhood. Back then, I was just a little boy in my elementary school uniform, mischievously running around with friends in the neighbourhood. I showed my stubbornness by not listening to my parents and secretly climbing a mango tree when visiting Luang Ta at the temple. It ended with me falling, breaking my leg, scraping my nose on the temple's cement ground, and getting a scar that I still have today.

 

That little boy gradually grew up and went through middle and high school. I became less rebellious and more composed, focusing on studying hard to get into a top university in the country. And I succeeded. The image of my parents' joyful smiles and eyes on the day my admission results were announced came back to me. They helped me move into the dorm, wished me success in everything, and hoped I'd meet good people and be happy. Even in my dreams, I felt a pang of longing for those old days. Those times seemed to be drifting further away.

 

I've been away from my family and the present for a while now. I've gotten so used to life here that it feels like everything in my past was just a dream, and the era I'm in now is the real one. Then, my dream shifted. The scene before me turned into an endless darkness. I don't know how long I was engulfed in that silent void before it started to fade. Countless stars began to light up one by one, connecting until they became palpable. And when I could see everything clearly again, what appeared before my eyes was no longer my memory.

 

I stood on the porch of a small Thai house belonging to Phraya Pichaipakdee, where I first stayed when I travelled back in time. Around me were the few servants of Klao who'd followed from Phichit, carrying boxes up to the house. Despite people walking back and forth, the atmosphere was silent and tense. My eyes darted to the person standing in front of me. It was P'Phop, the version I was familiar with, and he was staring right at me.

 

"This house is yours to live in comfortably. If there's anything you need, you can always tell me. No need to be shy."

 

His deep voice carried a gentle tone, the same one he used when talking to Klao. But I let out a soft, dismissive snort, not accepting his kindness.

 

"Are you done with your business?"

 

"If you're done, then please leave."

 

Considering that was how I spoke to someone trying to help, anyone who heard would think I was extremely rude. But I ignored him, walked straight into a room, and slammed the door shut, not caring if anyone thought I was being impolite. Especially the person standing outside. Once again, I couldn't control my own thoughts and realised I was looking through someone else's memories.

 

This situation was bizarre because while I felt Klao's cold hostility towards P'Phop, I also sensed a deep longing. And there was another even clearer feeling. I.. or rather, Klao, was deeply hurt by what he'd done. My dream kept changing. Even though I'd made it clear that I didn't want to talk to P'Phop, he still visited often. Each time, he was met with indifference or outright hostility. Not wanting to see him, I started going out and getting into fights with thugs.

 

"When will you stop this reckless behaviour?! When will you listen to me?!"

 

P'Phop's deep voice roared, his strong hand gripping my arm tightly. His sharp eyes were filled with obvious disappointment as he looked at my bruised face from the fight.

 

"Let go of me!" I yanked my arm free, glaring at him. Amidst the wreckage of tables and chairs in the liquor shop, people nearby were rebuking me and looking down on me, gossiping about P'Phop as my guardian.

 

"Who asked you to care about me? Did I ever ask for it? You're just meddling!" I shouted at P'Phop, a storm of emotions swirling inside me, so mixed up I couldn't tell them apart.

 

"I wouldn't meddle if it wasn't about you. Why are you acting like this? Enough already." P'Phop's voice was filled with a desperate plea, but I didn't care.

 

"'I'll live my life how I want! We have nothing to do with each other. Stop interfering with my life!"

 

As soon as I finished shouting, the area fell silent, almost devoid of breath. His sharp eyes showed clear pain for a moment, then turned empty. The handsome face I often secretly admired became expressionless.

 

"If that's your choice, I won't oppose it."

 

The taste of salty blood in my mouth was nothing compared to the bitterness that surged when I heard those words. I spat blood on the ground, turned my back, and walked away, feeling like my heart was shattering. Even though it was my choice, the burning sensation in my eyes showed how much it ran counter to my true feelings. Finally, when I found a quiet place away from people, I sat down on the ground, letting the tears flow. My jaw clenched as I tried to stifle my sobs. P'Phop ignoring me and not getting involved anymore was the best outcome.

 

The sound of birds and roosters crowing together woke me from the long dream. The wooden beams above my bed were still the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. Despite sleeping for a long time, I felt exhausted, as if I hadn't rested at all. I wanted to bury myself in bed, not move. I forced myself to sit up. A breeze from the slightly open window brushed my face. I felt something cold on my cheek. When I touched it, I was stunned. It was tears. I'd been crying in my sleep.

 

The images from the dream replayed in my head. I sat still, completely lost in thought. Once again, I vividly remembered last night's dream, even the emotions. Many things started to make sense when I tried to piece it together with my previous suspicions. There was no longer any doubt about Klao's feelings for P'Phop. The longing and affection felt in the dream were obvious. Now I understand why Klao acted so antagonistically towards him.

 

In truth, Klao didn't want to act that way, but the malicious gossip from those around him was harsh. Klao's family name was already tainted. He didn't want P'Phop and Phraya, who'd been kind to him, to be affected. So he tried to distance himself, acting aggressively to make P'Phop lose interest while also trying to move on.

 

A same-sex relationship wasn't accepted in this era. If anyone found out, it'd be the talk of the town. P’Phop was a promising government official and shouldn't be held back by such matters. Klao knew his love was impossible, so he chose to protect the one he loved in the way he thought was best for everyone, even if it meant suffering alone. In Klao's mind, it didn't matter if P'Phop no longer saw him as a brother. Becoming strangers was fine because the care and concern Klao once received were real. For someone as hopeless as Klao, that was enough to sustain him for a long time.

 

Klao's pain in the dream still surged in my chest. I didn't understand why I couldn't pull myself out of that feeling, even though it wasn't really me. But I felt the pain as if it'd truly happened to me.

 

"Mr Klao, are you awake?" Chuay's voice called softly from outside. I exhaled deeply, got up, and unlatched the door to let my servant in to handle the room. I glanced around the bedroom. It'd been over two months, almost three, since I started living here. It worried me that it was becoming more familiar than my dorm room and home.

 

"Are you going to bathe now, sir?"

 

"Yes."

 

I changed into my bathing clothes. The sky was still dark as I walked with my bathing supplies to the riverside pavilion. As I neared my destination, I stopped in my tracks when I saw a figure walking towards me.

 

"You're up early." The deep, low voice of P'Phop, who was only wearing a loincloth, greeted me as I tried to avert my eyes from his bare upper body.

 

"Good morning, P'Phop. You're up early too," I replied, my voice sounding more melancholic than usual, something I couldn't control. Lately, I've been feeling uneasy around him, and now my emotions are all over the place, making it hard to keep a straight face.

 

"What's wrong? You don't look well." He observed, stepping closer. I took a step back, forced a smile, and shook my head

 

"I'm just still sleepy. You should get dressed. I need to go bathe, too," I said.

 

"Are you telling me to get dressed quickly because you don't want others to see me shirtless?" he teased, his playful tone instantly lifting my gloomy mood and making me want to roll my eyes.

 

"If that makes you feel better, then sure," I said resignedly. He laughed, gave me a wide smile, and walked up the stairs in a good mood. My heart still raced as I watched P'Phop's broad back. I unconsciously touched my chest, biting my lip in worry.

 

Why was my heart beating so fast? Were they my own feelings, or just lingering emotions from Klao in my dreams? The more I dreamt, the less I understood. Why was I here when Klao disappeared? Why did I dream only about Klao? Why did I understand his thoughts so well? I understood him so deeply as if I were Klao himself.

 

Today, breakfast was without P'Phop because he had urgent work to attend to, which was a relief since my emotions were still unstable. But during the meal, I kept glancing at the empty seat beside me, thinking about the changes over the past month. In terms of closeness, I'd grown more comfortable with P'Phop as he became less suspicious of me. However, the awkwardness seemed to increase. I felt more nervous around him, especially after the Songkran festival. P'Phop started hovering around me, taking care of me, sometimes teasing me with words that made me pause. He didn't seem to think much of it, but I started to overthink.

 

"Prayong, I'll be home late today," Phraya Pichaipakdee's voice snapped me back to reality. I saw him standing up, grabbing his cane, ready to leave for work.

 

"Where are you going, dear?" Khun Ying Prayong asked, standing up to adjust her husband's clothes. I was washing my hands in a bowl of clean water when Phraya replied.

 

"I'm going to visit Phraya of the Bureau of the Royal Household's house to propose a betrothal between Wanna and Phop formally. It's been a few years since we first discussed it. It's about time," he said. My breath caught, and I froze, feeling a hollow emptiness in my chest.

 

"That's wonderful. Phop's career is stable now, and he's of marrying age. We shouldn't delay any longer," Khun Ying said, beaming. I composed myself, took the hand towel from Chuay, and listened quietly. It's not surprising. P'Phop has been of marrying age for a while. Any parent would want to see their child settled. And Wanna is a lady from a good family, a perfect match.

 

"Klao," Phraya called, making me jump a little.

 

"Yes, sir?"

 

"You'll be his groomsman for Phop's wedding." He looked at me expectantly. I hesitated but nodded.

 

"...Yes."

 

"Soon, Phop will be married, and then it'll be your turn. When you find a lady you fancy, I'll arrange the marriage," he said

 

"Thank you," I forced a smile and bowed respectfully. Phraya continued talking with Khun Ying for a while before leaving. I excused myself to my room, claiming I was tired but just wanted some quiet time alone.

 

Arranged marriages aren't unusual in this era. Wanna is a perfect lady. Even though P'Phop doesn't like her now, if he marries her, he'll eventually fall for her. Or even if he doesn't marry Wanna, he'll find someone else someday. Once again, I understand Klao's feelings. He's a twenty-year-old boy who lost everything overnight: his family, his honour, and his wealth. Even falling in love leads to disappointment. Klao resisted P'Phop because he knew from the start that P'Phop didn't like him that way. P'Phop saw Klao as a younger brother. Not wishing to taint the person he loved, Klao tried to move on, and I agreed with him. This love is impossible.

 

About an hour later, I asked Chuay to go to Pak Khlong Market to ask Pim about Cherd. But when we arrived, the madam informed us that Pim was sick with a cold and couldn't see us. I left a message wishing her a speedy recovery and left the prostitute's house feeling a bit disappointed. I visited here about once a week, hoping to get more information about Cherd and find new leads about Klao's disappearance and the opium trade. But I always came up empty-handed. Sometimes, I should follow Cherd myself, but even the patrols couldn't find evidence against him. If I followed him, I probably wouldn't find anything either.

 

My life really is a mess. I don't even know how I ended up here. Trying to find a way back home is incredibly difficult. The longer I stay, the more my hope dwindles.

 

"Klao, visiting Pim again?" I ran into Muun Han on my way back. I greeted him politely and smiled.

 

"Yes."

 

"You visit often. Are you that fond of her?" he asked, his tone implying something else. I gave a dry smile, unable to tell him the truth that Pim and I weren't as people thought we were.

 

"Where are you headed now?" he asked.

 

"I'm going back home."

 

"It's not even noon. Going back already?"

 

"Yes, Pim is sick. She needs to rest," I told him, trying to keep my answers short. I didn't really want to talk to Muun Han. I had an inexplicable dislike for him, and my instincts told me to stay away from him.

 

"I'll be going now."

 

"Take care," he said, smiling warmly before walking away. I glanced back at him, feeling guilty for my prejudice, but it was hard to change my feelings.

 

"Mr Klao, do you want to stop by the floating market first?" Chuay asked as he untied the boat from the dock. Normally, I'd stop by the floating market to browse, but not today. I just wanted to get home as soon as possible and be alone.

 

"No, let's go home," I muttered, stepping into the boat and sighing heavily. I felt more exhausted than usual. I sat idly in my room when we got home, eventually falling asleep. I woke up in the late afternoon, intending to go to the kitchen, but Khun Ying called me over to chat. After a while, P'Phop returned from work and walked up the stairs.

 

"You're back, Phop. Come here and sit with me," Khun Ying Prayong called her son over. P'Phop sat down on an empty bench, glancing at me and giving me a small smile, which I avoided.

 

"Is Father not home yet?" P'Phop glanced around before turning to his mother, who was fanning herself.

 

"Not yet. He went to see Phraya to propose a betrothal with Wanna for you," she explained excitedly, but P'Phop froze.

 

"Mother, I don't see Wanna that way."

 

"Marry her, and you'll grow to love her. It's time for you to settle down. It'll put your parents at ease."

 

The more Aunt Prayong spoke like that, the more serious P'Phop's face became by ten levels. The last time I saw him look like this was when he reprimanded me for running away to Pak Khlong Market.

 

"I must excuse myself, Aunt." I bowed my head to the elder and briskly walked away. This was a family matter, and it'd be impolite for an outsider like me to stay.

 

I walked towards the kitchen as I'd initially intended. The aroma of food wafted through the air. I frequented the kitchen so often that the servants were no longer surprised by my presence. Sometimes, they even invited me to taste the food.

 

"Mr Klao, today we have your favourite green curry," Sai, Chuay's wife and now Aunty Muan's top assistant, said as soon as she saw me enter the kitchen. I glanced at the servants diligently preparing the meal, but today the delicious-looking food didn't stir my appetite at all.

 

"Soon, there will be a new mistress to oversee the kitchen. I heard that Miss Wanna is very skilled in cooking," Sai continued.

 

"Yes, I heard the same. Little Mistress Wanna is very gentle, much kinder than Khun Ying," another servant added.

 

"Indeed," another chimed in.

 

"Pang, Choy, stop gossiping about the masters, or you'll get whipped," Aunty Muan scolded them while skillfully arranging fresh vegetables on a plate.

 

"Finally, there's a happy occasion. It's about time for Muun. Soon, it'll be Mr Klao's turn," Aunty Muan teased me, and I could only force a smile.

 

"Not yet, Aunty. I'm not ready to get married."

 

"That's good, Mr Klao. Muun already has someone. Stay with us servants a little longer," Aunty Muun agreed.

 

"Yes, please," the female servants echoed. Aunty Muan scolded them again while I laughed softly and walked over to help arrange the vegetables on a plate. Aunty Muan tried to stop me, but I insisted. I just wanted to find something to distract myself from my wandering thoughts. 

 

Once again, not all of the family was present during the meal. Phraya Pichaipakdee hadn't returned home, leaving only Aunt Prayong, P'Phop, the secondary wives of Phraya, and their children. I sat next to P’Phop, quietly eating my food. The meal was delicious as always, but a lump in my throat made it hard to eat. The atmosphere at the table was strangely tense. I didn't know what P’Phop had discussed with Aunt Prayong earlier, but her face was expressionless, and she remained silent throughout the meal, just like her son, who didn't make eye contact with her. 

 

After the meal, Aunt called her personal servant to accompany her to her room, without inviting anyone else to join her for a conversation as usual. Her irritated demeanour and the sound of her bedroom door closing harder than usual made me blink in surprise.

 

"What happened?" Chuay whispered to me.

 

"How would I know? You and I have been together the whole time," I responded softly, glancing at the person beside me. I suspected that P'Phop had argued with Aunt Prayong while I was away. Otherwise, Aunt wouldn't be sulking like that.

 

Everyone began to leave the dining area, leaving only P'Phop and me. Given his bad mood, I expected him to get up and go to his room like the others. However, P'Phop remained seated, so I decided to excuse myself.

 

".. I must excuse myself," I uttered softly and stood up, but his firm hand grabbed my wrist, pulling me back down.

 

"Can you stay with me for a while?" he asked. His eyes were so complex that I couldn't read them, but I had to stay with him out of courtesy since he'd asked.

 

P'Phop ordered Chuay to bring tea, which he poured into a cup and sipped slowly. Although he asked me to stay, he didn't talk to me. The silence made me increasingly uncomfortable, so I decided to break it.

 

"Was work heavy today?" I asked.

 

"No, not at all," he replied, falling silent again. Normally, P'Phop wasn't one to give such curt answers, especially to me. By now, he'd usually be teasing me. He must be really worried about the marriage.

 

"Congratulations," I said, remembering the marriage. As soon as I said that, Mr Officer's sharp eyes turned to me immediately.

 

"About what?"

 

"About your engagement," I said, feeling a pang in my chest as I spoke. P'Phop looked into my eyes, his sharp gaze seeming to try to see through my soul. Then he placed the teacup down and stood up.

 

"You don't need to congratulate me," he replied flatly and walked away, leaving me alone. I watched his broad back, my eyebrows furrowed in confusion. What's wrong with him? I was just being polite. Or maybe he's upset about the arranged marriage? I must've said it at the wrong time.

 

That night, I couldn't sleep well. I tossed and turned with many thoughts. When I finally opened my eyes to the sound of a rooster crowing, I was sleepless, with dark circles under my eyes like a panda. But I had to drag myself to bathe, dress, and join the others for breakfast. I planned to nap afterwards, but when it was time to eat, I forgot my drowsiness because the atmosphere at the table was as cold as a freezer.

 

Yesterday's tension between Aunt Prayong and P'Phop had now escalated in the presence of Phraya. The tension was so palpable that I tried to eat quickly to escape the oppressive atmosphere. It seemed there had been another issue after Phraya returned home last night.

 

"Excuse me," P'Phop's deep, even voice broke the silence. He stood up, intending to leave the table, but Phraya's voice stopped him.

 

"Phop, are you not going to listen to me anymore?"

 

"I've always obeyed you and Mother, but when it comes to marriage, shouldn't I be the one to choose the person I love?"

 

'Here we go, 'I thought. At this point, I forgot about the food, fully engrossed in the unfolding drama.

 

"You and Wanna are betrothed. Everyone in the city knows it. I've already spoken to her father. Are you going to disgrace me?!" Phraya shouted, his anger palpable. It was the first time I'd seen him this enraged, and the first time I'd seen P'Phop so indifferent.

 

"That was arranged by the elders, not by my choice."

 

"Phop!" Phraya's shout made me jump, but P'Phop remained unfazed. He bowed to Phraya and Aunt and spoke evenly.

 

"I made it clear yesterday that today I'll go to apologise to Wanna's father and to Wanna herself. I still stand by my words. I don't love Wanna. To me, she's just a little sister. If I marry her, it'd be unfair to her because she deserves to be with someone who loves her as much as she loves him. I can't give her that love," he said firmly. His voice was steady and resolute, his intentions clear, causing Phraya's hand to grip his cane tightly as he trembled with anger.

 

"Do whatever you want," Phraya said through gritted teeth before storming off to his room, with Aunt Prayong following closely behind. I looked up at P'Phop, who exhaled deeply before calling his servant to follow him down the stairs, presumably to apologise to Wanna's father.

 

The food on everyone's table was still mostly untouched, but after such an incident, no one had the appetite to continue eating. They all began to leave the table. I, too, walked down the stairs and wandered around the garden for a while before finding myself at the riverside pavilion.

 

The cool breeze helped to calm my restless mind a bit. I sat down, contemplating the events that had just unfolded. Seeing P'Phop so vehemently resist the marriage was quite unexpected. He was always so dutiful and obedient to his parents. P'Jom once told me that P'Phop actually wanted to be a doctor, but he joined the patrol division because his parents asked him to. He loved and deeply respected his parents. But when it came to love, he stood firm in his own beliefs.

 

If I were in his shoes, being forced into an arranged marriage, I wouldn't be okay with it either. We should decide what love means to us; we don't let others dictate. How can you be happy living with someone you don't love for the rest of your life? And if one person loves the other unrequitedly, binding them together would only hurt that person more. I agreed with P’Phop on this, but I didn't expect him to resolve everything in one day.

 

If you ask me how I feel about P'Phop cancelling the engagement, I can't give a clear answer. Part of me feels relieved, but I also feel empty. Because even if he cancels the engagement today, so what? One day, he'll find someone and get married anyway. As for me, I'll probably go back to living in the present world. Well, if I can find a way back. And one day, the story between us will fade away, like waking up from a dream. So, I have to control myself and not let my feelings go any deeper than this...

 

I don't know how long I sat there, but when I came to my senses, I saw P'Phop's boat in the distance, heading back. I hesitated for a long time about whether to walk back to the house, but in the end, my curiosity won. So, I decided to sit and wait to ask for news. When P'Phop arrived, he stepped up from the boat to the pavilion with a calm face. That expression made me hesitate, not daring to ask as I intended, so I sat still.

 

"Once you tie the boat, leave," he ordered his servant. When Khong left, I was alone with him in the pavilion.

 

"Did you come to wait for me?" he asked. I nodded, hesitantly asking, "P'Phop... how did it go?"

 

"Do you mean how it went with Phraya or how I feel?" he asked.

 

"Well, both," I said, and a slight smile appeared on his face.

 

"Phraya wasn't very pleased, but I explained to him why I couldn't marry Wanna. In the end, he understood. As for Wanna, I told her directly that I never thought of her as more than a little sister."

 

"As for how I feel, I think I did the right thing."

 

"Don't you think that if you got married, you might eventually love her?" I couldn't help but ask. Everyone always says that, and I don't know if it's true. But from the elders' perspective, ending a relationship with Wanna, who's suitable for him in terms of status and many other things, seems like a real waste.

 

"No."

"..."

 

"I'll never love Wanna."

 

"Why not?"

 

"Because I already have someone I care about."

 

At that moment, my ears felt deaf for a while, and my throat suddenly went dry. It wasn't the answer I expected. He always shows that he doesn't want to get married and isn't interested in anyone. But it turns out he actually has someone he likes.

 

"... Who's it?" It took me several seconds to find my voice. I waited for his answer, wanting to know what kind of woman had captured his heart. Even though I often secretly mocked him in my mind, if I looked at P'Phop as a man, the person who received his love must be very lucky. Now, I understand Klao's feelings even more.

 

There was no answer, no other conversation. P'Phop just stared at me with complicated eyes, making it hard for me to tell what he was thinking. Almost a minute passed before I realised it might be a bit rude. Maybe he thought I was prying into his personal matters.

 

"If it's inconvenient, you don't have to tell me. I'll take my leave," I quickly said and walked back to the house. P'Phop didn't follow. Only his sharp eyes followed me like a shadow.

 

I walked back to my bedroom and sat down on the bed. For a moment, I thought that, at least before returning to the present, if I knew what P'Phop's future would be like or who he liked, it'd be nice.