Love of Silom

Chapter 6 - Every Problem Has a Solution.

I might be heartbroken. Actually, it started with something opposite. I had gone out to eat with Krit at a cosy, homemade-style restaurant that was absolutely made for a midday meal. The food was delicious, and every bite felt like heaven. Maybe it was because of the person sitting across from me.

 

Krit was always handsome whenever I saw him, but that day he was exceptionally so. He looked effortlessly elegant, even though he was just wearing a black short-sleeved shirt and long pants. Maybe it was his demeanour-calm, seemingly hard to approach, yet incredibly captivating. I didn't know where to look. His muscular arms peeking out from his sleeves, his strong neck, his fair and clear skin, his sharp and piercing eyes, or his kissable lips. Not to mention his soft, soothing voice when he spoke.

 

‘Want to order anything else?'

'Is Krit on the menu?' (In reality, I just shook my head and smiled at him.)

 

‘The desserts here are famous. Want to try one? They should be delicious.'

 

'Are they as good as you?' (In reality, I just stared intently at the menu and didn't say anything.)

 

Ugh... I'm daydreaming again. It's repetitive, but I can't help it.

 

It's been several days since I had that meal with Krit. It's a good memory. I keep thinking about his face, his voice, his smile. It was the kind of smile that was subtle but incredibly charming. His eyes were beautiful and full of energy. My limbs turned weak every time he looked at me. I had to force myself to focus on the food and the conversation, or else I would've melted right in front of him. 

 

Everything felt so perfect, like a dream—until Rose walked in. That's when I started playing the role of the sorrowful, complaining, and jealous protagonist.

It's not that Rose isn't nice. She's actually very sweet, beautiful, and well-spoken. But I have one tiny issue (okay, a huge issue) with her: she and Krit seem incredibly close. It's like she's in his safe zone—a special space I've never been able to access. Or are Krit and Rose dating?

 

This question has been tormenting me. I was so scared of the answer that I didn't dare ask that day whether Rose was Krit's girlfriend. My cowardice in facing the truth has left me overthinking and upset every day since.

"Wayu, I'm tired of you. When are you going to stop sighing? I'm starting to feel heartbroken for you, even though I sleep hugging my wife every night," Thai finally spoke up after listening to me sigh repeatedly.

 

"Do you think Krit and Rose are dating?" I asked.

"I don't know. They might just be friends."

 

"But they've been close since high school, through university, and even now at work. They seem really connected."

 

"Don't you have friends from high school, too?"

"But they hold hands."

 

"Hmm, good point. That's something to think about."

"Hey! Friends can hold hands, too, you know. Don't be so old-fashioned."

 

"Ugh! Wayu, what do you want?"

"I don't know. I'm confused."

 

"I think you need to ask him directly. That way, you'll know what to do, whether to keep going or just let it go.

 

"I want to keep going," Thai muttered, then stood up with a headache.

"Hey, where are you going?" I grabbed his arm.

 

"To get some paracetamol. How else am I supposed to keep talking to you?"

 

That night, after talking with Thai and finishing my work, I still couldn't stop thinking about it. Before this, I had been worried that Krit might only like women and not men. But now I've had to step back even further, because if Krit already has someone, I'll have to withdraw completely. 

 

I come from a family where my dad has been unfaithful to my mom almost constantly. I've seen the damage it causes every time they fight. I don't want to be the third person in someone else's relationship.

 

But why is love so hard to control? It's overflowing, almost spilling out of my eyes and mouth. I can't sleep. I spent hours lying in bed, rereading our old chats and staring at Krit's phone number. Eventually, I got up and made a playlist to calm my restless heart.

 

Sigh...

Have you ever felt like every love song was written for you? Even the heartbreak ones?

 

I finished making the playlist just as the sky started to brighten. Looking at the song titles, I felt so deeply connected to them—like I had poured out everything in my heart into different parts of the lyrics. Deep, sweet, sorrowful. Because I love him one-sidedly, but even so, I'm happy. I made a bold decision and sent the playlist to Krit. My heart pounded as I hit share, but if I didn't send it, I felt like I'd suffocate from holding it in.

 

'I thought these songs were relaxing to listen to. They might not be your usual style, but maybe you can listen to them on stressful days to unwind.'

 

It was a carefully crafted message, not too much, not too little, just right for someone who wishes well for another. After sending it to Krit, I lay down and fell into a deep sleep.

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

That same day, when I went to work at the host bar and met up with Thai, I showed him the playlist.

 

"These songs are nice. The lyrics are meaningful too," Thai said.

 

"Yeah, I put a lot of thought into it. It took me hours. I sent it to him because I couldn't sleep otherwise."

 

"What time did you finally sleep?"

 

"Around seven or eight in the morning. I could hear the neighbours waking up to cook breakfast. But I slept well. Do you think Krit will figure out that I like him?"

 

"No," Thai said. "If he doesn't figure it out, he's an idiot! You picked eight songs, and seven of them are love songs. Plus, you sent it before 8 a.m. He probably won't notice, right?"

 

"Is it that obvious?" I look awkward.

"All that's left now is to propose."

 

"What do I do? I already sent it."

"Don't do anything else until you're sure he's single. Unless you don't care and just want to know if he's affected by you at all."

 

We could only talk for a short while before Thai and I had to get ready for work. Tonight was particularly busy since it was a Saturday. I was assigned to entertain a group of customers in the VIP section, guests who were there to celebrate a birthday.

 

I actually enjoy this kind of work. The customers are focused on drinking and having fun playing games. There's some physical interaction, but it's more playful than anything and doesn't cross the line into harassment. The downside is having to drink a lot and come up with ways to keep the customers entertained, but the upside is that I get to have fun with them, too.

 

As time passed and it was almost closing time, I realised that I hadn't taken out my phone to check anything. When I saw a message from Krit, my heart started racing. He had replied quite a while ago.

 

"Thai, Krit replied!" I nudged Thai excitedly.

"What did he say?"

 

I handed him my phone.

 

"Thanks." Thai read the message and turned to look at me. "You sent it at 7 a.m., and he replied at midnight. And all he wrote was "Thanks, You're still happy about that?"

 

"So, what do you expect me to hope for? Just the fact that he replied like this already makes me feel relieved that he didn't block me for sending him a love song. Or do you want him to text me back saying, 'You're silly'?"

 

"That would be pretty sincere of him," Thai laughed. "I really want to see for myself how handsome this Lieutenant Krit ot yours is, to make you this lovesick."

 

"So handsome that just standing there breathing makes me faint," I said, pressing my phone to my heart. Thai shook his head in exasperation at my nonsense.

 

"I want you to get what you want, but if you're not meant for him, I hope you get hurt as little as possible."

 

I didn't expect much. Even if Rose were really Krit's girlfriend, I wouldn't abandon the good feelings I have for him. I'd just step back, keep him in a place where I can give him love and goodwill without crossing any lines. If I can't be in his heart, then being by his side is enough.

 

It sounds pitiful, but what more can I do?

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

The next afternoon, I woke up earlier than usual because I wanted to buy some new clothes. It's not like I had extra money to splurge or anything; it was for work. I've been wearing the same clothes so often that they've become dull. Being a bar host requires a certain appearance, so I had to invest in this for better returns in the future.

 

I bought clothes at a mix of cheap and expensive prices, balancing them out. It's all about how you mix and match. You don't need to go overboard; just something that looks tasteful and fits well with others. As for high-end branded clothes and accessories, let the top guys like Richy and Sky wear them. I'm not bold enough to compare myself to their level yet.

 

When I got back home, I heard people shouting and my nephew crying loudly. I hurried inside.

 

"What's going on? Again?" I said, seeing the mess everywhere. My parents were arguing again, and Singto was sitting on the floor crying in front of the TV.

 

"Yeah! Your dad's at it again. He can't even take care of one wife, yet he still goes after another woman!"

 

I stood there, watching my parents yell at each other amidst the chaos, and I felt like I didn't want to witness the collapse of my own family. I picked up Singto from the floor and took him out of the house right then.

 

I carried Singto to the convenience store near our house, bought a carton of milk for Singto and some juice and bread for myself, then sat on the chairs outside the store because I didn't know where else to go. Luckily, it was evening, so the weather wasn't as hot as it had been in the afternoon.

 

I sat there, watching people pass by, eating my bread without really tasting it. Even though I tried to tell myself not to let my emotions sink, my heart felt heavy and gloomy.

 

Why does suffering always find us, while happiness only visits briefly before leaving? How do people who seem happy all the time do it? Are their lives really smooth all the time, or are they just trying not to drown in their sorrows?

 

I let out a deep sigh and sat still, letting time wash away my unease. After a while, Singto fell asleep in my arms. I looked at my nephew's face, his soft cheeks and tiny pink lips, and couldn't help but smile. I kissed his cheek and comforted myself, thinking that even if we had nowhere to go, at least we still had each other.

When I got back home, I saw my mom sitting absentmindedly at the dining table. 

 

I didn't see my dad in the house, so I asked, "Where's dad?"

"He's gone."

 

"Gone where? He just came back home three days ago."

"How should I know?"

 

"He'll probably come back late tonight."

 

I took Singto to his room to sleep and then came out to clean up the mess on the floor. I didn't want to complain any more than this. If this had happened in the past, I would've been so depressed I couldn't function. But now, I have Singto and my job to hold onto. Even though the environment is chaotic, I still have some income so that we won't starve.

 

Mom was still sitting in the same spot, with a glass and a nearly empty bottle of liquor on the table. She poured it into a glass until the last drop and then drank it. I wanted to stop her, but I knew I couldn't at a time like this, so I said something else instead. 

 

"Are you hungry, Mom? I'll make something for you to eat."

"I'm not hungry... just tired."

 

"Then go rest. When you wake up, I'll have food ready for you. Sleep for a bit, and you'll feel better."

 

Mom shook her head, her face devoid of warmth or happiness. "It won't get better, Wayu."

 

It has to get better… I thought that to myself as I quietly cleaned up. Mom

buried her face on the table and didn't say anything else. In truth, I should've looked deeper into mom's eyes that day and realised that everything had pushed her to a breaking point. Mom and I aren't the same. I can still see a future because I have work to do. Even though the path was rough, with potholes and traps, deep down I knew that even if I had to stumble and crawl just to survive, I would do it. But mom's present felt empty and bleak, so much so that she couldn't see any hope for the future. 

 

She drifted through each day with an attitude of indifference, taking happiness when it came but dismissing pain when it followed. Maybe it was true that every problem had a solution. I couldn't even blame her for choosing to sit still and wait for things to fix themselves. But she had found another way out.

 

Everyone's way out is different, but I never thought Mom would choose this one.

 

════[changbins_delulu_wife]════

 

One evening, I had to return home to pick up something I had forgotten. I remember it was around five in the afternoon. I didn't call to let mom know I'd be coming back at this time. When I opened the door, I saw Singto fast asleep in his crib near the sofa where we usually watch TV. 

 

The door to Mom's bedroom was slightly ajar, and I could hear her talking inside. I thought Dad must have just come home. I gently brushed Singto's cheek before heading to my parents' bedroom to pay respects to dad and ask if he wanted anything when I got back from work tonight. I pushed the door open wider as I spoke."When did you get back, Dad? I didn't see your car parked outside."

 

I froze in the doorway when I saw clearly what was inside the room. A strange man was lying on my parents' bed, with my mom resting her head on his chest. Even though they were covered with a blanket, it was obvious they were both naked.

 

"Wayu!" Mom jolted up in shock and quickly pulled a piece of cloth over her chest. Her face was deathly pale as she stared at me. I stood there, frozen in shock, until my brain finally processed what I had just seen. I immediately turned around and strode out of the TV room, heading straight outside. My heart pounded harder than ever before. What I had witnessed left no doubt about what Mom was doing.

Mom was having an affair! Mom brought a man into our house to sleep with him!

 

My mind was buzzing with those thoughts. My palms were icy cold while my heart raced. I didn't even know how I made it out to the street outside. My mind was in complete disarray, uncontrollable, and all I could do was keep walking forward without knowing where I was going. How could Mom do something like that?

 

I kept asking myself, unable to believe it. That was my mom, the woman who had raised and cared for me since I was born. Even if she wasn't perfect in the eyes of others, she was always good and noble enough for me. But what I saw shattered the image of her in my heart.

 

I wandered like a madman, crossing streets, boarding subways without any sense of direction, just knowing I had to escape from the reality chasing me. I only came to my senses when I found myself standing on a sidewalk by a large park. It was a green space in the middle of the city, surrounded by tall buildings. In the distance were a convention centre and the subway station I had just walked out of.

 

I didn't even know what brought me here. I just walked and switched subway lines until I ended up here. I stepped into the park. At this time, people were jogging and cycling along the paths around the large pond. The water reflected the trees and surrounding skyscrapers like a mirror. 

 

I kept walking until I sat down on a bench by the pond. This area wasn't too crowded. My mind was in turmoil, and I had to squeeze my hands to stop them from shaking. I felt like I was about to explode, like I was going to break down in some way. Frantically, I pulled out my phone and made a call. As soon as the other person answered, I stammered.

 

"Krit, I... I can't take it. My mom..."

"Wayu, what's wrong? Take it slow."

 

"My mom... she brought a man to sleep with him at home." The words were so bitter that tears fell.

 

Krit was silent for a few seconds before speaking. "Where are you now? I'll come find you."

 

A while later, he arrived. When he saw me sitting hunched on the bench, he quickly walked over.

 

"Wayu."

 

His voice made me want to reach out and grab his arm, to pull him into a hug and lean on him for support. But what I did was look at him without moving. Krit sat down beside me.

 

"What happened? Do you want to tell me?"

 

"I.." I couldn't speak. My mouth and throat were trembling, and it felt like a hard lump was stuck in my throat. Krit gently reached out his hand and touched the back of my hand.

 

"It's okay. Take your time. I'm not going anywhere." His words were like a key unlocking something inside me. I poured out my words like a flood, telling him everything, venting as much as one person could. All the pain, frustration, anger, and resentment that the world kept throwing at me endlessly, as if it wanted me to die right there.

 

Krit listened quietly without interrupting, just acknowledging and letting me vent as much as I needed. And finally, I circled back to the issue with mom.

 

"Krit... I'm hurt. I hate..." I couldn't finish the sentence before tears welled up.

They streamed down my cheeks. Krit leaned toward me and looked into my face. He opened his arms and spoke softly. "Come here... come."

 

I leaned into his embrace, burying my face against his broad shoulder. Krit held me and comforted me with gentle strokes. My tears poured out uncontrollably. I had never cried like this since I was a child.

 

Time passed until the sobs subsided, leaving only the sound of light sniffles. I pulled away and wiped my tears.

 

"Feeling better?" He asked.

 

I nodded. Krit reached out and wiped the remaining tear stains from my cheeks.

"If you're not ready to move yet, just sit a little longer. I'll stay with you." His voice gave me a sense of stability and reliability.

 

I sat there with Krit, and we started talking with reason instead of emotion. He didn't lecture or preach at that moment, but let me think and reflect on my own.

Until the sky, tinged with the reddish glow of the setting sun, faded into a deep blue, the scene remained serene. Evening turned into night, and the streetlights began to flicker on one by one. 

We still sat together. I wasn't exploding with emotion anymore. We just talked with cooler heads, even though the pain was still there. The evening breeze carried the mist from the fountain in the pond, brushing against us.

 

"I don't know what to do next. How can I face Mom again?"

 

"No matter how you feel, she's still your mom," Krit said, turning to look at me. His eyes showed a deep understanding, not just superficial. "We can't change our parents."

 

I didn't respond, letting the silence heal the wounds. What he said was true. We can't choose our parents, any more than they can choose for us to be something they might not like. Acceptance might be the path we have to take, but it doesn't mean it won't hurt.

 

The air grew cooler. Krit took off his jacket and draped it over my shoulders. His warmth soothed my heart, as if I wasn't alone in this world. We sat side by side on the bench in the park, under a starless sky, surrounded by the city's towering buildings and sprawling structures. It was a small warmth that emerged amidst the vast loneliness, but it was strong and gentle enough to keep us going.

 

"Thank you, Krit," I said.

"Let's go get dessert sometime. Bring Singto along."

 

"Okay."

 

I smiled at him, a smile still streaked with tear stains on my cheeks. But I hoped it was enough to convey all the gratitude in my heart.