Love Mechanics

Chapter 16. Wife.

[

Mark Masa]

 

I sit quietly on the bus, not making much conversation with anyone. 'Nuea, who was here with me just a while ago, has gone over to check on his junior line, who seems sick. Fuse and Kamphan, who were sitting together, are now playing at the back of the bus. They're loud...but it's not as loud as the sound of the person's voice echoing inside my head, although I had walked away from there a long while ago already.

 

I didn't dare stay on, not wanting to think about whether he'd taken the call from his ex. They don't have any status; they're not boyfriend-girlfriend; they're not. I haven't forgotten that they're just keeping a distance. Although their relationship is not the same as before, they haven't broken things off yet. It's not wrong if he decides to take her call. What authority do I have to speak?

 

Ploy Napas

3 hrs

 

Can you come back to me? If I go back to you, would you come back to me?

681 likes 54 comments

 

Yupa pa: Just make up already. This is so agonising.

Som O: P'Vee and P'Ploy, get back together again. I don't like it this way.

Tewin: pVnn He hasn't even changed his Facebook name yet.

 

I didn't read the next comment. This is enough to know what most people are thinking. After all...this couple's been together for a long time, so it's natural that people are urging them to get back together again. I don't know if they've been talking to each other, nor what his Facebook name means. But what I know is...Vee doesn't like me yet.

 

He might be jealous over me and not want me to be with others, but it's just for a moment. At that time, he had no one to lean on except for me, so it's not strange for him to be possessive of what he feels is his. And I'm willing to be his with all my heart, even though it might mean a! suffer heartache.

 

"How's your hand? Sorry, I had to go have a look at Tae first." I take my eyes off the phone and look up at the owner of the voice. 'Nuea's smile and words of apology make me smile along with him.

 

"I'll be fine," I say, before smiling back at him. He then slots himself into the empty seat beside me.

 

"Even though you say you'll be fine, I'm worried about you." His bright smile and sweet words make me smile along. It's not that I'm oblivious to what he's trying to do. After all, he's made it clear a long time ago that he wants to win me over. I wasn't sure at first, but recently he's been increasingly aggressive, making it obvious.

 

I think of him as a senior, and have said this to him before. I told him that I had someone I liked, which P'Nuea was fine with, though he asked to remain like this until that person and I were officially dating.

 

I can't stop him from doing so. I admit to feeling good. There's no way to feel bad if someone treats you well. Since I can't stop him from doing so, I just let him carry on. P'Vee is aware of some of the things. 

 

P'Nuea's done, which upsets him, but I can't understand why he still doesn't make things clear between us.

 

"Hey...your mind's wandering off. Where's it drifting off to? You haven't been talking to anyone since getting in the car. Are you hurt a lot?" P'Nuea asks as he pulls my hand over to have a look.

 

"No. I'm just thinking about this and that." I reply with a smile before pulling my hand back, which he allows me to.

 

"You must be thinking about me, huh?" He says, flashing a wide grin.

 

"You want me to tell you the truth?" I ask back smilingly.

 

"Nah. I'll get hurt if you refuse me again." He says as he clasps his chest, makes an agonising face, and leans his head onto my shoulder.

 

"Think about me, too." His deep wheedling voice doesn't prompt me to think about him, but rather about someone else whom I'm not sure has ever thought of me.

 

"Are you serious with me?" It's not that I don't know what kind of person Nuea is, since his exploits are numerous, and I've heard about some of them.

 

"Not at the beginning..." He says as he sits upright. "But I think I'll be serious from now on...when you told me there's someone you like, I thought of stepping back, but when I look into your eyes, it doesn't really appear that you are happy with liking that person. Sometimes I can see sadness in those pairs of eyes, so I thought that I could wait for you like this." He says as he caresses my cheek.

 

"P'Nuea...I..."

 

"I'm not serious yet at the moment. But if you stop liking him, I will be. If I start getting serious now, I might get hurt even more." He says, before flashing me a smile, a smile that seems happy, though his eyes look forlorn.

 

"If ١..."

 

"If you start dating that person, then don't worry. I'll stop liking you. But if you don't become an item with that person or are hurt by that person, then look for me. Got it?" I nod to the person I consider a senior, close my eyes, and lean on his broad shoulder.

 

"Let me stay like this until we arrive." I request. P'Nuea doesn't reply to anything. He lifts his hand to pat my head and stretches so that I can place my head comfortably.

 

I don't want to treat P'Nuea in the way P'Vee treats me, though I understand Nuea's feelings. The feeling of the one who waits...even though they might not get anything back from the one they're waiting for.

 

I get off the bus and board a boat to some beach, of which the name I can't remember. When they were announcing it, I was lying by P'Nuea's side and didn't pay any attention. So I'm just blankly dragging my bag along with my friends now.

 

"Okay, that's all of you. I'm now gonna divide you into groups of three per room. Each room will have one first-year, one second-year, and one third-year student. Only a few fourth years come along, so they'll sort things out among themselves."

 

"Not bad, my friend." Fuse walks towards me and smilingly jeers.

"Not bad, what?" I ask back softly, since the senior is designating the rooms.

 

"With P'Nuea. Here, have a look..." He says, and passes the phone to me. I see the posted photo of 'Nuea and me, and am taken aback. We seem so intimate in the photo, close both in proximity and body position. Just one glance and one can tell that we're more than just senior-junior. It's been posted in the Engineering Line chat group and hasn't been shared with the wider public yet. I'm not bothered by those who are outside the group, though, but rather more worried about the one inside.

 

"Who the hell took it?"

 

"Dunno. But P'Pat, who's the cameraman, uploaded it. What a beautiful shot." Is this the time to admire his photography skills?

 

"The last room, 316, first year Fuse, second year Pol, and third year Nuea." After Pond finishes, Fuse immediately looks at me. I raise my brows inquisitively.

 

"Where's your name?" My friend asks.

 

"Yeah...I've been paying attention the whole time you guys have been talking, and your name didn't come up at all. Or did you not register?" Kamphan asks on.

 

"I registered with you guys," I claim, before raising my hand.

"What's up? Any questions?" P'Pond asks.

 

"My name wasn't called out," I reply to him. He looks at me confusedly, before looking down at the name list one more time.

 

"What's your name again?"

 

"Masa," I replied. P'Pond nods in acknowledgement and looks for my name before walking over to talk to a female senior. I stand there as my other friends go into their rooms and unpack. Only Fuse, Kamphan, and a few other seniors remain. Among them are P'Nuea and P'Vee, who are discussing with P'Pond.

 

"I'll open another room for him. What's the big deal? Four people can't stay in one room!" P'Pond says, and then they walk over towards me.

 

"We can just squeeze in. It'll be fine." P'Nuea suggests.

 

"If you wanna sleep together that much, then go open a room just for the two of you." P'Vee chides P'Nuea. Both glare at each other unyieldingly, till P'Pond lets out a sigh before walking over to me by himself.

 

"We didn't reserve enough rooms. Can you open a new room? I'll pay for it." P'Pond tells me.

 

"It's okay, P'. I'll pay for the room myself." I usually don't like sharing a room with others. Whenever there are excursions or camping trips, I make my own accommodation arrangements. If it's in the forest, I'd set up my own tent, and if it's at the ocean or hotel, then I'll get my own room. It's been a personal habit since childhood. I don't like to share with others, as it can be bothersome.

 

"You can? Won't it be a burden?" P'Pond asks.

"Not at all, P'. My friend's rich. He pays a lot more for other stuff." Fuse says.

 

"Can you just use that mouth of yours to eat?" I turn to rebuke my friend. 'Pond laughs out, before softly patting Fuse's shoulder and then sending him to the room. I take my bags and go to have a new room opened for myself.

 

"Anything I can help you out with?" P'Nuea asks me while I'm talking to the receptionist

 

"What else can I help with? You should split the room bill with him." The one who's following not far behind chides. I turn to look at P'Vee, who looks back at me. We're both upset at one another, though we manage to suppress our feelings.

 

"The hell's with you, Vee?" 'Nuea turns to ask his friend.

 

"The hell's with you, man? Your room's way over there." 'Vee says, and points in the direction of P'Nuea's room.

 

"Your room as well," P'Nuea responds, not giving in.

 

"Um...Mr. Masa. Your room key." The female staff member reluctantly handed me the key. I receive it with a smile, then walk away from the two guys, who are engaged in a glaring contest.

 

I open the room and put in the key card. The lights go up, and I place my bag on the floor. It was quite a tiring ride to get here. I rarely take road trips that last several hours like this. As Fuse said, my family's well-off.

 

"Hey...looking at the balcony and staring out at the ocean, who does that make you think of, Nuea or who?" The deep voice from the front of the door makes me turn back. I let out a curse word once I realised that I forgot to close the door. P'Vee is standing there and steps inside. He duly closes the door and locks it. The guy with the handsome face approaches me as I stand looking at the pretty blue ocean. I take a step back...

 

At the moment, I don't want to see P'Vee. I don't want to hear who he'll choose, because I'm not confident that he'll pick me.

 

"What makes you step away from me like that?" He says calmly, though his eyes are not static. They flare up before becoming still again.

 

"I wanna rest," I tell him, before turning to face him.

 

"Haven't you had enough rest? You were in his arms like that, and you say you haven't had enough rest!?" The deep voice lashes out, stunning me. My eyes look up at him immediately, as he also looks back at me.

 

"What about you? Have you talked to Ploy yet?" I ask back calmly.

 

The other person flinches, his sharp eyes flare up before he approaches me, grabs me by the arm, and draws me close to his body.

 

"I didn't talk to her." The deep voice utters through his teeth. "I told you that I'm breaking up with her, and I mean it. It's not like you, who say that you like me but then go with other guys." He says near my ear. I look up at the slightly taller person, take a deep breath, and take a step back.

 

"I didn't go out with anyone. He's the one who approached me."

 

"Are you taking me for a fool!? Or do I look blind to you? The whole faculty is gossiping about where you guys have been doing it!" My body becomes numb upon hearing 'Vee's words.

 

"Do you think I'm that easy!? That I can just sleep around with anyone?”

 

"Well, you were easy with me!" Tears are brimming in my eyes, about to flow down. I'm not mentally strong enough not to feel hurt by such words. Even though my behaviour is like that, it doesn't mean I'm easy to get, like what others say.

 

"That's with you..." I say before looking up at the other person. "If you think I'm like that to you and so would be that way to others, then you're wrong..."

 

"It's annoying to have to be jealous and worried about you like this. You're the one who makes me think about it. You let me do it when I wanted to, so how would it be different if others wanted..."

 

Pow!

I punch P'Vee...

 

As I punch him, my tears stream out. They flow out uncontrollably. They come out silently, in a way that even I've just noticed.

 

"If you're fed up with me, then go back to your lovely wife. Back to the one you loved so much, who you don't have to be jealous or worried about. The one who goes out with others without you stopping. Go back to your freakin' wife!"

 

"Don't you bring Ploy into this!" P'Vee barks back as soon as I finish my words. I give him a scornful look as I wipe my stupid tears away.

 

"You're putting her on a pedestal or something!? Is she untouchable? You love her that much!?"

 

"This is about you and me, not her!"

 

"Why isn't it about her? Isn't it because she's still on your mind that you can't fully open your heart to me? And because of that, we're ending up like this. If it's not about your wife, then who the hell is it about!?" 

 

I lash out as my trembling hands reach out to pull the collar of his light-colored shirt towards me.

 

"You're mentioning about Ploy, my wife, Ploy, my wife, so you aren't my fuckin' wife!?" He yells out, his pretty hand that's by his side raises to grab at me, identical to what I'm doing to him. I force out a wry smile, let go of his shirt, and slowly remove his hand from my collar.

 

"I'll never be fit for that title. I'm just someone you use whenever you wish to." I say, before bumping his shoulder and walking away.

 

Boyfriend? Wife? Or a lover? With P'Vee, I've got no chance...I don't have any status with him, past or present.

 

The beach near sunset is so good for taking walks with one's lover, gazing at the sparkling sea and the orange-tinged sun. As the sun sets, we sip on beers while we watch the moon and the stars together. It's what my imagination wishes to do with a certain someone. But they're merely just thoughts in my mind.

 

"Kan!" I call out to the person who should be walking like this with his boyfriend. But no...Tossakan is walking alone.

 

"Oh, where have you been?" He asked me.

"Just walking along. You?" I answer before asking him back.

 

"Same." He replies, before continuing his walk. I follow him along.

 

"You have it so good these days. I'm so jealous of you." I utter after we've walked for a while. I haven't been directly following the news about Tossakan and P'Bar, but those around me have been providing constant updates. My feelings of jealousy have long since passed. All I have for them is goodwill.

 

"Good my ass. We've just fought." He replies.

 

"Hey, ya fucker! I removed myself from the picture because I thought you'd be able to take good care of him, but what the hell are you guys fighting over? I've only seen you being so lovey-dovey." I grab hold of his shoulder and ask him.

 

"Nothing much. Just bickering and getting peevish over little things. You know how it goes." He answers and looks at my face.

 

"I don't think so. Judging by your facial expression, it's not the typical bickering." I say, after having locked eyes with the university's handsome guy. His razor-sharp eyes that could pierce through anyone's heart are now sullen. All I can see in them is anxiety and concern.

 

"He's mad at me...but I'm not quite sure what about." He answers and sits down, so I sit down with him.

 

"What did you do to make him mad?"

"I talked to gals..." I immediately turned to him upon hearing the answer.

 

"Ya fucker! I'd kick you right into the ground, not allowing you to come walk on the beach like this." I chide.

 

"Well, I've got my admirers, ya know—fan club and all. But I don't think anything towards them. I just talk to them out of courtesy. If someone comes to greet me, should I just sit there and stare at them blankly?" He contends.

 

"Well, you gotta use your judgement, too. Right now, none of your fan clubs will appear here, so if a woman gives you a greeting, then it means that they may well want a piece of you. Of course, he wouldn't feel at ease." 

 

This dude hasn't experienced such things before. The ideal world that's straightforward and without deceit simply doesn't exist, Tossakan.

 

"But I really don't think anything about them, that's the point. Why does he have to make a big fuss over it?" He continues asking. His slender hand played with the sand before drawing a heart shape with P'Bar's name inside.

 

"When fighting, there's no rhyme or reason, just emotion," I say as I think about that other guy. I look out to the ocean and slowly let out a sigh.

 

"Well, I...was really pissed off. But started it first, though...like he's the one who started picking a fight with me." He tells me after finishing his drawing. He dusts off his hand against his pants and looks down at what he just drew.

 

"You did it with him already?" I ask him.

"What did you say..." He raises his head, which is on his knees, to look up at me.

 

"I'm asking whether you and P'Bar have done it?" I ask him again.

"Yeah..." I nod in acknowledgement as he replies from within his throat.

 

"It's natural for him to be silly like that. You've never had a boyfriend before. You only give him love, and are confident in your love for him. But he, who has fallen in love with you, loves you more and more. So it's natural for him to be worried that your love for him will subside." I say to him, as if I can teach others, though when it comes to my own case, there's nothing I can do about it.

 

"No chance. I really love him." He turns to me immediately and says.

 

"Who would know how much you love him apart from yourself? You say you love him and all, but still talk to others. Even though it's not much, it can make him suspicious." 

 

The more I talk, the more I think about my own situation. The matter I argued about with P'Vee is also similar to this case.

 

“..."

 

"And you've done it with him already, too, so he's even more anxious." But in P'Vee's case, he probably wouldn't be anxious, since he already has someone else, so the anxious one ends up being me.

 

"Anxious about what?" The handsome guy beside me leans over to ask.

"That you'll get bored with him," I answer, and look down at the text he drew up.

 

If one were to get to know Kan through this perspective right now, I'm sure that they'd accept him as a committed lover. So, when people love each other, is this the stability they can feel? Like Kan and P'Bar, and P'Vee and P'Ploy. No matter how much they argue or who comes between them, in the end, they end up together again. My feelings have never seemed to reach that stage.

 

I pick up the cigarette to light up after my thoughts wander too far off. The stress and anxiety seem to reduce, and I feel more relaxed upon smelling the cigarette smoke.

 

"Whatcha lookin' at? You want one too?" I ask Kan, who's looking towards me, before handing him the cigarette pack.

 

"Nah. P'Bar doesn't want me to smoke."

 

"You should understand things from his perspective. You're handsome, and many people approach you, so it's natural that he'd be anxious." I say, after I pull my thoughts back to Tossakan's matter.

 

"What on earth is he thinking, that I'd get bored with him?"

 

"The person who receives love can get anxious over anything, man. And you're even his first, so he's bound to think a lot..." 

 

Yes...P'Vee is my first, and that makes my mind wander far away.

 

"Just like in your case?" I choke on my cigarette as soon as he asks me back. He chuckles a bit, but I don't laugh.

 

"You...know?" I ask him after I put out my cigarette butt in the sand. I then pick up the butt and put it in my pocket, not wanting to litter the pretty beach.

 

"Yeah..." Kan answers me.

"He told you?" I raise my brows and ask.

 

"No...I guessed. And this morning I talked to him, so I became certain." He replies and turns to look at my face.

 

"Talked about what?" I raise my brows and ask him back. What did they talk about? What did P'Vee say to Kan? Did he tell Kan that I used to think negative thoughts about P'Bar? If he did, then...! I don't know how I can face these two.

 

"He says that he feels good about you right now...but is confused about his ex." His answer makes me roll my eyes to the sky.

 

"He's a fuckin' bastard." I say, as I think of 'Vee's handsome face.

 

"He did it to me...but then he doesn't forget her." Once I mention this, my heart aches. It feels aching and stuffy, with no idea what will happen next, nor do I dare think about it.

 

"But at least he feels good about you."

 

"He feels good so long as he gets to release." I retorted. "You have it good...at least you're an item, proper lovers. But in my case... we're just literally day-to-day fuckers." 

 

The more I think of his words this afternoon, the more I feel that I'm invisible. I'm like a nobody that he just comes over to see when he's got no one, and then leaves once he's satisfied.

 

"Mark..."

 

"And more importantly...it's gotta be only when he wants it."

 

"For fuck's sake!" Kan's curse doesn't startle me, nor does the long arm that wraps around me make me feel better. 

 

I used to think I could change P'Vee. I used to think I could win over his heart simply by being myself. But I can't, because he's never forgotten that woman. The forgotten one turns out to be me. I set my heart loose when we're intimate, overlooking the fact that he hasn't forgotten about his past. How can a person who hasn't forgotten his past have any future with me?

 

I allow Tossakan to come spend the night with me after learning about him and P'Bar. P'Bar comes to fetch him, but the handsome dude doesn't say a word to him. I want to scold him, though I realise that it might be better for them to clear the air after they've really calmed themselves down.

 

I've heard that Kan is also difficult to socialise with, like me. But I somehow feel comfortable enough to invite him to my room. He's not a fussy person, and he doesn't feel like sleeping tonight; he'd rather sit on the balcony and gaze up at the moon, just like me, who's lying on the bed and looking up at the hotel's pretty-coloured ceiling.

 

"What do you think 'Bar's doing right now?" The deep voice asks through the silence.

 

"How would I know?" I reply.

 

"Is he thinking of me in the same way that I'm thinking of him?"

 

“..." 

Right...is P'Vee thinking of me, or is he talking with his girlfriend?

 

"Do you think I should apologise to P'Bar first?" I immediately turn to him as soon as he asks the stupid question.

 

"You look at girls, you talk to girls, you raised your voice at him, you walked away from him. So do you think you should apologise to him first?" I ask him back.

 

"That bad, huh?"

"Yeah..."

 

"What about you and P'Nuea's case? Doesn't P'Vee say anything after seeing that couple photo?" I raise my brows once again upon hearing

the question.

 

"How'd you know?"

 

"Fuse sent it to me via Line." That bastard friend... I can only curse him in my mind.

"He and I aren't an item," I say, before turning back to lie down in the same position.

 

"Maybe he's in love with you already, but he doesn't know his heart yet. He's never loved another man before, so maybe he's not sure how to express himself. You should understand his heart a bit more." He says as he stands up.

 

"With a face like mine, who the hell's heart can I enter?" I respond.

 

"Understanding him and entering his heart are two different things. You've got to separate them." He says, before switching off the lights, so that only the lamp at the head of the bed remains. The one who's of similar height to me lies down beside me. He looks up to the ceiling in the same manner as I.

 

"Telling me what to do. Just get yourself out of your own mess, first."

"You as well." Silence overtakes the room following his words.

 

We both become quiet, even though we can't sleep yet. Kan is probably thinking about 'Bar, and in my head, there's of course nothing else but P'Vee.