I Feel You Linger In The Air

Chapter 32 - Waiting for Love

I am awake amid a group of people gathering around me. One of them is a foreigner. My body is drenched. My throat burns after choking out the liquid. The taste of the river clings to my mouth. The siren and the flickering emergency light on a van urge me to shut my eyes again. As my consciousness switches off, I am carried into the ambulance and head to the hospital.

The foreigner accompanies me in the ambulance. From their conversation, this man is a doctor who travelled to Thailand at this time. He was in the car behind me and saved me before it was too late. I was retrieved from the river after I had stopped breathing in less than four minutes. If it had been longer, my brain would have been damaged from the loss of oxygen, which could have caused my death.

What happens in the hospital after that is a bit of a mess, and I can't exactly pinpoint the order of events. I have the physical examination for a drowned patient from an accident in steps. My consciousness drifts in and out, but not from the shock of the accident. I believe it is due to something else. 

One second, I am in the present world, watching the doctors and nurses trying their best to treat me. Another second, my mind drifts to another world, where someone is waiting for me. Night turns to day in the blink of an eye. I watch everything happening as if through someone else's eyes.

The sight in front of me is toneless. I can feel and understand everything. I answer questions and cooperate well with the medical crew, as if I will be discharged soon to go on with my life. I am the only person who knows this is not normal, and my life will never be the same. The touch of Commander Yai still feels warm on my palm. The smell of blood mixing with the rain is strong in my senses. His firm pledge is etched in my memory, becoming part of me. No matter where fate brings you, no matter the danger you encounter, may those misfortunes fall upon my spirit instead of yours...

Did he take the fall in my place? Did his resolution bring me back to life instead of drowning in the Ping River? Was it all the bizarre mechanisms of the universe we would never fathom? Did it simply follow through with its conclusive scheme?

I feel like I only have half of my life left. The being right here is shattered specks of a rock that tries to piece itself into the shape of a human with flesh and blood in a living body. My soul longs for the other half of my life lost in the current of time.

The happiest time is when I fall asleep. The dreams never disappoint me. It consoles me gently with everything I  yearn for. Every time I am jolted awake, I quickly force myself back to sleep so I don't have to face reality. However, we can't live in our dreams forever. After the second night of hospital admission, I open my eyes on my bed and squint at the faint late morning sunlight seeping through the thin white curtains. The smell of porridge on the over-bed table nearby reaches my nose.

"Please have your meal. The doctor will come to check on you later," says a clear voice of a nurse in a white uniform. I turn my head to her in a daze, still feeling like I am half in my dream, unable to think of a word to respond

The nurse gives me a kind smile when I don't move. "Don't worry. The results of your examination are good. You will be discharged today, Mr Ravit. The doctor in charge of you will come and inform you himself."

I blink repeatedly and shake my head a little to steady my emotions. I have almost forgotten that most people who aren't close to me address me with my real name. My heart still holds on to those sweet words. Khun-Yais Poh-Jom, and Commander Yai's persuasive, low, hoarse voice with a hint of forcefulness, uttering Jom-Jao, and the way he addressed himself with an intimate pronoun, with me.

The kind nurse is gone, leaving me alone with this odd hollowness in my chest. This immense loneliness makes it hard to believe this is the world I used to live in. I feel out of place, like I don't belong here. I lie still for some time, seriously pondering everything for the first time since I recovered from the drowning accident in the Ping River....Was what happened to me a reality or a dream?

The question is intolerably horrible, yet I allow it to arise. It is any sane person's common sense to seek possible reasons rather than believe in unproven fantastical tales. Did what I think happened to me in B.E. 2471 and the Late Ayutthaya Period actually occur, or was it a wild imagination I created when I was unconscious? There was no Khun-Yai or Commander Yai. There was only a sorrowfully sweet dream that disappeared when I woke up.

Tears trickle down because I know that is a pathetic lie I am telling myself. I would rather die here than accept what I know in my heart is not true. Khun-Yai and Commander Yai are real in my memories. They are part of every particle of my body. I raise my hand to wipe the tears off my eyes, and I feel the coolness of metal on my skin. I pull my hand away from my face and look at it.

The lion-head gem ring is still on my finger. The misty gemstone glistens in the sunlight as though to confirm its existence.

The past replays in my head again: Days in the little teak house where Khun-Yai made me the happiest, his endearing smile and gentleness, the smell of the scented water, his warm embrace, until the day I was parted from him, swept away by the fog and water. 

My encounter with Commander Yai: the times we fought and clashed, from the misunderstanding to the day he finally accepted me; the predicaments we got through side by side; and his impressive strength and resolution. It is all tremendously precious to me, and I will treasure everything in my heart and never let go.

I fix my gaze on the ring and finally come to my senses. What was I thinking before? I didn't want to live my broken life in this world, even though Commander Yai had done everything to keep me safe, protecting me with his life. I was precious to him, his beloved, and he would hold on to that truth forever, no matter how many lifetimes. I lay that hand on my chest, positioning the ring on my heart and clutching it protectively.

A long while after that, the doctor in charge of me turns up. He says the results of my physical examination are satisfactory. No complications to be concerned about. I can be discharged today, as the nurse said. The doctor explains that I am lucky to have received proper treatment from the beginning. I thank him, then the doctor and the nurse leave the room.

When the door is closed, I let out a sigh, get out of the patient's bed, and walk to the window to part the curtains further. My room is on the tenth floor of the hospital, so it overlooks the view of Chiang Mai from one side of the moat encompassing the old city in the shape of a square. I place my hands on the window and observe the city shrouded in smog. What a gloomy sight. The weather in Chiang Mai will be like this for a while until the wind and the rain chase it away.

My eyes focus on the nearer sight. The city of Chiang Mai fades into the background. I see my dim reflection on the glass...This is me, the luckiest person who received endless love from the man I loved as well. I have to live on. No matter how broken I am, I will live the rest of my life the best I can, even if I have to walk alone. There is no Khun-Yai or Commander Yai here, but it doesn't mean this love will dry out from my heart.

Longing for the joy in the past may be tormenting. However, the sweetness and warmth will overpower it and stay in my mind. He will live in my heart forever.

I rest my forehead on the cool glass, the overflowing longing rushing in my chest. How far can this missing feeling travel? Can it fly across the sky with the wind to the little teak house by the Ping River about a hundred years ago? Can the leaves rustling in the wind whisper the word of love to him for me? Will it float up and get stuck in the clouds before falling into the cool rain, showering the commander of Seehasingkorn instead of my kiss? I hope he can feel it.

Time passes until the phone on the nightstand rings, snapping me back to reality. I walk over there and pick up the call.

"Hello?" I say.

"Jom!" My sister pipes in with maximal delight. "You're awake? How are you feeling? We're driving there, Jeed, Dad, and Mom."

"Jeed?" I force my voice to be more cheerful than I feel. I don't want to worry my family more than this. "You don't have to come here. I'm okay now. I'll be discharged today."

"You..You can talk now?."

"What?" I frown.

“I called you once, but you kept mumbling gibberish like you were delirious. The nurse told me you've recovered. They didn't realise it. But I'm your sister. Why wouldn't I know something was off? Dad, Mom, and I were worried, so we decided to drive to Chiang Mai. We'll be there around evening."

"Why bother yourself? The weather is terrible. Dust everywhere." I vaguely remember I did talk to my sister on the phone before.

"Your brain must be okay now if you can nag like this. We'll turn the car back for real," my sister taunts.

"Anyway, Ohm tried to contact you but couldn't reach you, so he called me. When he heard your car had fallen into the river, he said he would come to Chiang Mai. He told me to give him a call as soon as I'm with you."

"Don't call him," I say. "I'm still tired. I don't want to talk to anyone right now. There's a lot to catch up on at the construction site and in the office. If Ohm calls you again, tell him I'll contact him myself."

My sister agrees. I remind her to drive safely before hanging up. I don't hold a grudge against Ohm. I forgive him for everything. Let us end it here and never associate with each other again.

I sit on the bed and land my eyes on the TV in a daze. The news currently reports that they have discovered that the Milky Way, where the dense black hole occupies the centre, has at least another 12 pairs of stellar systems and low-mass black holes orbiting each other, possibly as many as 10,000. If they collide and fuse, it will cause gravitational waves.

I look at the screen, intrigued. The universe is a spectacularly marvellous thing, yet we know so little about it, despite being part of it. Up until now, I still haven't figured out how I travelled back to the past. What factors initiated such an incident? It is a question I have no idea if we will ever find the answer to.

Perhaps those supernatural myths, devils, spirits, magic, the inexplicable mysteries, all the unknown things, might have already existed in nature. They might be part of the universe and can be scientifically proved, but humans have too little knowledge about them to stomach how they function.

In the afternoon, I get to see Tan, the head carpenter who has been repairing the two ancient houses under my responsibility.

"Hello, Jom. How are yer? Are yer okay now?" Tan greets. I force a smile and reply, "I'm fine now, Tan. The doctor said I could go home today."

Tan clasps his hands and raises them over his head. "Dear deity...chase away the misfortunes and pain and bring happiness and good luck to Jom."

"Thank you, Tan."

Tan asks about my condition. We talk about our work and shift the topic back to my accident again. Tan said that as soon as he heard the news, he came straight to the hospital. But kept sleeping and occasionally murmured. He stayed for hours before giving up and going back to work.

"Yer slept like yer didn't want to wake up." Tan shakes his head. "I was worried, so i prayed to the holy spirits to watch over you."

"Thank you so much, Tan," I say sincerely. "The holy spirits must've helped me a great deal."

"Isn't it strange yer got saved by that foreign doctor? Despite coming from the other land, he saved yer. Yer must've helped him in the past life, so he saved yer in this one. After getting discharged, please make merit often. The good deeds will bring blessing to yer."

"Okay," I agree, glancing at the ring on my finger. The misty white-grey gemstone sparkles. I ask in a whisper. "Tan, you believe in... lifetimes, reincarnation, and rebirth?"

Tan thinks for a moment before answering.

"I can't say I wholeheartedly believe in it, Jom. Some northern tribe believes we have thirty-two spirits safeguarding us. When someone falls sick, they will hold a blessing ceremony to summon the lost spirits to the host. If the person dies, each spirit will be reborn as their close relatives. They always guess who is reincarnated into their newborn babies."

Speechless, I can only smile at Tan, my heart oddly swelling with warmth.

"Oh...Jom, I was so busy talking that I almost forgot. Someone told me to hand this over to yer. He firmly insisted that I had to deliver it to yer hand."

Tan takes out a small box and passes it to me. It is around a palm long, in dark brown leather, with a latched lid. I lift my eyebrow. 

"Hmm? Who told you to give it to me? Is it someone from my company? What's in there?"

Tan shakes his head. "Not someone from yer company. It's from a family member of the house owner. I didn't open it as it wasn't my business."

I take the box and unlatch it. My chest freezes when I see what is inside. I bob my head up and ask.

"Tan, who told you to pass it to me?"

Having received the answer, I lunge to the bedhead and grab the phone. My handshakes so much that I almost drop it. "Tan, I'll leave now."

Amid Tan's confusion, I dial the receptionist outside and tell her I will leave right now.

After hanging up, I take off the patient's gown and put on my casual clothes from the drawer. At this moment, my heart has flown to the other side of the city.

"Tan, do you have anywhere else to go? Could you drive me to the construction site?" I ask, tying my shoelaces.

Tan replies, "I have to pick up wood and dyeing colours in San Pa Khoi, but it's all right. I can give yer a lift first."

I smile in delight and hurry to the reception counter to take care of the documents and pick up the prescribed medications. Once it is all done, I turn to Tan. "Let's go."

"Can yer wait a bit? Here comes my nephew. I called him to get the money his mom left with me. He's my daughter's eldest son."

I flick my eyes to Tan's nephew, and my mouth falls open. That is...Captain Mun! Ming or Captain Mun is in a college uniform, looking so handsome like a Korean idol that I have to rub my eyes. He must be around nineteen or twenty years old. His skin is flawless, exuding a sparkling aura from a distance. Is this Captain Mun or a heartthrob on the internet? Does he have to shine this much?

I look at him, my heart inflating. I want to charge in and hug him, but hold myself back.

Tan introduces us to one another. Captain Mun folds his hands as he greets me because I am older. I try to stifle my smile when I learn his name is Mobile. He is studying civil engineering. When he graduates and starts working, he will be Mechanic Mobile...How freaking adorable. I have an idea when I spot a motorbike key in his hand.

"Cap. I mean, Mobile, can I ask you for a favour?" I leave it there and turn to Tan. "Tan, is it okay if your nephew gives me a ride to the construction site instead? It'll be faster, and you'll save time."

Tan gladly allows it. I hop on the backseat of Mobile's motorbike, and we ride out of the hospital. The motorbike speeds across the road, ringing the moat that encircles the old city of Chiang Mai in the historic walls. The four corners of the walls have names: Jaeng Ka Tum, Jaeng Hua Lin, Jaeng Sri Phum, and Jaeng Ku Hueang. Even though the walls have decayed over time, leaving only the lines of incomplete orange-brick walls standing tall in the moat, the people constantly attempt to restore them so they can remain in Chiang Mai forever.

The dry wind whiffs, blowing the purple petals of bunches of Bungor flowers skirting the moat. They fall on the road, along the length of the rows of Bungor and Salao trees. The beauty, even the smog can't blemish. My arms are loosely wrapped around Mobile's waist as he rides out of the road around the moat to the route stretching to the bridge over the Ping River.

My heart flutters in my chest as we ride across the black bridge called the Iron Bridge. The path before us lengthens to the old road flanked by hundreds of towering rubber trees. We accelerate past the shady foreign graveyard near the expansive field stretching to the old building, the Gymkhana Club. I crane longingly to look at it. It was the place Khun-Yai, and I bumped into him. He pretended to drop his pocket watch so I could pick it up.

I slide up the helmet visor, letting the wind hit my face and take in the coolness as we run along the Rubber Tree Road. Each trunk is too large for two people to hold. They have stood for over a hundred years. The sunlight cascading through the branches and leaves isn't as glaring as the day Khun-Yai and I stood here together.

I close my eyes, embracing the past that warms my heart, my conversation with Tan at the hospital still echoing in my head.

'Tan, who told you to pass it to me?'

The son of the lady, the house owner. He arrived two days earlier than the lady and actually visited yer, Jom. He had to pick up the lady at the airport in Bangkok today, so he left the box with me. He kept reminding me to deliver it to your hand."

The motorbike pulls over at the construction, breaking my train of thought. I take off the helmet and turn to Mobile.

"Thank you. Oh, when you have to undertake an internship in your last year and want to apply at my company, contact me through Tan. I'll help you get in."

His eyes go wide, doubling his cuteness. "For real?"

I smile. "Yeah, I have some big connections. Why can't I!?"

Mobile folds his hands as thanks. I return the helmet to him and walk off. I quicken my pace on the brick path cutting across the lawn. The great Manila-style concrete-wood house built in colonial architecture is up in front of me.

Further to the side of the great house is the little teak house, where I lived for a certain period in the past. My heart beats faster when I see the front balcony under the shade of trees. I stride forward, nearly flying, past the row of Lantom trees growing along the path from the great house to the little house I have missed so much.

Before I ascend the stairs, Mobile, Tan's nephew, calls me from behind. I turn around and see him running after me with his phone in his hand.

"It's my Oui. He said he needed to talk to you about something urgent."

I take the phone from his hand and speak, "What's the matter, Tan?"

Tan's voice is firm and clear, yet it feels as if it comes from far away. Every word sends a tremor in my chest. My hands get colder and colder. By the time Tan has said everything, my hands are freezing.

After I return the phone to Mobile, I climb up the stairs of the little house. Every step is somehow shaky. The plank floor is pale and has a few cracks in some areas, but I remember how shiny it was.

I step past the balcony into the house. The hall is empty, but I can close my eyes and see each piece of furniture that used to occupy the room. The short pearl-embellished desk, the gramophone, the clear cut-glass pitcher, the white curtains dancing in the wind. If objects could absorb the owner's feelings, I believe this place would be full of loving memories.

My hands quake a little as I unlock the bedroom door. The head of the four-poster bed abuts one wall like before. I open the window to let the light in. The breeze carries the cool mist from the river to me. My heart melts when I flick my eyes to the photo in a wooden frame on the wall. It was photographed on the front lawn of the great house ages ago. The photo shows a family of five who owned this place at the time. The Luang, Khun-Kae, Khun-Prim, Khun-Lek, and the person I miss the most...Khun-Yai.

My heart is overflowing with a swirl of emotions. I sniff and step towards the heavy trunk on the floor containing my drawings. I pick up the small wooden box inside. It is a one-foot-long, thick wooden box, locked securely.

I couldn't unlock it before because I didn't have the key. But now, the key is in my hand. It has been passed on to me by the person Tan said is the family of the lady who owns this place. I unlock the key with my trembling hand. When I open the lid and look inside, my limbs go weak.

It is the phone that Khun-Yai left with me the day I thought I would never be able to return to the present world. The material surface had dulled over time. The letter I wrote to my parents is neatly folded below. And the things that melt my heart are the two pieces of hard paper lying side by side. Two theatre tickets, dated B.E. 2471.

My eyes are brimming with tears. I touch the two small tickets gently with all the love in my heart...Khun-Yai must have waited for me. He must have waited until the last day of his life.

The plank floor creaks softly from the outside, signalling that someone is walking through the hall to this room. I draw a breath and turn to the door. I watch the long legs step through the door. That person is a tall, dignified man. Tan's words when he talked to me on the phone earlier pop up in my head

'Jom, don't leave yet. The lady and her son have arrived at Chiang Mai. They're on their way to the construction site. They want yer to wait there. Yai, the lady's son, is quite impatient. He wants to meet yer.'

‘Pardon?' I ask, unable to believe my ears.

They want yer to wait there, so don't leave first.'

'No. mean the lady's son. What did you call him?'

'Yai. The lady's son's name is Yai.'

I look at him with my own eyes, more confident than ever that this is him, the person who has waited for me, no matter how many lifetimes.

The Yai in front of me looks different. He must be around twenty-eight to twenty-nine years old, with a well-built figure and fair skin of the European side. His striking facial structure is a bit sharper, with more pronounced Caucasian features. But, something that has never changed, no matter how much time has passed, is the way he looks at me.

The wind gusts from the river, blowing a Lantom from its stem into the window before it drops on the plank floor. Yai steps towards me. He bends down and picks the flower at my feet. A gentle smile flickers on his beautiful lips as he speaks.

"Jom, did you wait long?"

His voice is deep and mellow as if to cradle my heart in his palms. It is warm and gentle. I stare into those dark brown eyes, my heart fluttering longingly.

"No...Not as long as you waited for me."

We smile at each other, the smile that conveys every feeling without a need for words. Love, longing, fondness, every happy moment and pain we both went through. Yai tugs me into his arms and embraces me. I lean on him, feeling the same heart beating in his chest.

The scent of Lantoms wafts in the breeze, spreading its sweet fragrance around me like love. I close my eyes and rest my cheek on his broad shoulder, leaving everything here, letting him be my final shelter as I will be for him. And we will be each other's home.

The End of Part 2