I Feel You Linger In The Air

Chapter 30 - We Will Meet When We Close Our Eyes 

Astonishment flashes on everyone's faces. All eyes land on me and my shadow on the ground. It appears oddly faint, unlike any visible shadow under the sunlight at this time. Silence fills the air. No one makes a sound. There is only stupefaction on their faces, reflecting in their eyes. No one will ridicule this phenomenon or offer another explanation for it, especially in an era when people believe in deities, myths, devils, and the power of nature.

Amid dozens of pairs of eyes locked on me, I turn to Commander Yai. "Commander Yai, could I discuss this matter with you in private for a moment?"

I follow Commander Yai to his tent. Commander Yai doesn't utter a word, his expression terrifyingly dark. Once we have entered the tent and shut the curtain door, he spins around and asks me in a sharp voice.

"What did you just say?"

I attempt to contain my emotions. "Which part? That I offered to be handed over instead of Commander In, or that I was sent by the deity?"

Perplexity flashes in Commander Yai's eyes. "Are you?"

"No." I shake my head. "I'm not some supernatural being, as I've said. I possess no magical power or anything of that sort. I'm just a person being swept from another era by an unknown force. It may seem like some divine miracle to everyone here, which could be right, but I'm just an ordinary human with things I know and things I don't."

"And yet you want to go instead of In." His voice deepens as if he has to force it out of his throat.

"Commander Yai, please listen." I look into his eyes, patient. "Han Kaew was going to kill me. If Commander In hadn't turned up, the dead one would have been me. Sending him to King Kham would be him paying off my sin. Commander In is at fault in a lot of things, but saving me isn't one of them. What I'm about to do is so that no one will die. Commander In will live, and so will I."

I step up and take his hands in mine.

"I will never arrive at Chiang Mai. I don't have that much time left. Do you remember when I told you I was swept to this era by fog and water? Water brought me here, as you have seen, and soon the fog will take me away. I know this because it has happened before. My shadow is the indicator. The fainter it gets, the less time I have. By the time it fades, my time here is up."

"Where will you be?"

I reply bitterly, "I don't know. It's not up to me."

It is actually more than that. Besides not knowing where my next destination is, I am unsure if I will time-travel again. It might end here. My body might disintegrate and never reappear anywhere.

We stand in this silence, enveloped by many stories we try to understand. No matter how hard and painful it is, I stare into his eyes. Commander Yai's hands are firm in mine, warm and protective as always. A few moments that feel like years pass by. Commander Yai's stern eyes soften with a hint of pleading.

"What if I hold you back?"

"No...We can't resist it. It's too powerful for any human to fight against." My tears threaten to fall. I have never seen this expression on him before, and it makes me want to exchange everything I have to protect him from the pain.

"That's why I said what I said to everyone, as you've heard. Even if you don't hand me over instead of Commander In, I will disappear either way. Why would we let it happen like that? I'm not sacrificing myself. I've decided to make what is bound to transpire the most meaningful."

Commander Yai doesn't seem to listen at all. He asks me in a scratchy voice. "How long do you have left?"

This is the question I don't want to answer. "I'm not sure. Maybe. less than two or three days. It's become really faint, my shadow. Perhaps..."

My words stop there. Commander Yai pulls me into his embrace and seals my lips with his as though he doesn't want to hear any more painful words from my mouth. It is the most heartbreaking kiss.

He hugs me so tightly that my body is nearly merged into his. He buries his face in the side of my head, kissing and breathing my smell like he never wants to let go.

I whisper, "I'm begging you, Commander Yai. Please grant my final request. Don't make me leave feeling like I have unfinished business here."

Commander Yai says nothing, but I know what the answer in his heart is. I wrap my arms around his body and lean my face on his neck, taking in his scent, engraving everything in my heart. 

We all sit circling the fire as usual tonight, though it is void of lively chatter like the other day. The fire crackles in the wind. Most of them contemplate things in silence or exchange a few quiet words. I can tell many of them want to come and talk to me, but everything they wish to say is evident in their eyes. It gives me warmth and builds this shield over my heart, the strength to face whatever awaits. Aside from being a respectable figure, am I someone they love?

Captain Mun is next to me. He rolls a potato out of the fire with a stick, peels the burnt skin, and sets it on a banana leaf, topping my plate.

"You...uh, eat up, Your Holiness."

I turn my head to him. "Captain Mun, I'm still the same old Jom. Speak to me casually like before. Don't suddenly change it on the last day."

Captain Mun's eyes redden like he is about to cry. I pick up the potato, break off a tiny piece, and put it in my mouth. "Um..Smells good. Very tasty."

Captain Mun's face twists. I give him an understanding smile. "I know. Though you don't say it, I know. Thank you for taking care of me all this time. I will never forget who taught me how to wear a drawn-up cloth. I can do it well now. Don't worry, Captain Mun."

He throws his arms around me. The potato rolls out of the plate onto the dirty ground. Captain Mun sobs, not caring if anyone watches. I pat his back and shoulder hard. "I’ll leave it to you now, Captain Mun. Everything."

The moon descends near the horizon, a sign that says it is half the night now. I ride the horse with Commander Yai past the vast grassland to the distant foothill. The sky is navy and sprinkled with sparkling stars. He takes me to rest on the grassy knoll under the great tree. With the night air frigid, we have to drape a large blanket over our bodies. My hand is warm in his palm, his other hand wrapped around my shoulder, leaning me on his.

"Jom-Jao, what are you thinking?" he asks since I have been quiet for a while.

"I'm thinking about how fortunate I am to have met you." I lace my fingers with his, intertwining them. "What about you? You were gazing at the sky. What were you looking for?"

"The Bear Jom."

I turn my head to him and smile. Commander Yai's eyes glisten with the reflections of the stars. I kiss his cheek down to his jaw. His skin is rough, the way I love it.

"See, in my era, we can't see the stars this clearly. They're blocked by dust, smoke, and city lights. My city leaves the lights on for about half the night. Can you believe that?"

"How do they sleep?"

I laugh. "Those who want to sleep turn off the light. Those who stay up turn it on. But can you believe that almost every house leaves at least one light on all night?"

"Hmm...What a strange city."

"You can say that. Anyway, I've helped build that strange city. I work as...Um, it's called an architect, the person who designs buildings. I draw them out on paper, and the contractors build them up as I've designed."

"I want to see the house you designed."

"I don't have my own place yet. I've only designed houses for others."

"You have one now."

I pause and look at him. His disposition is gentle, his eyes filled with affection. Have you ever felt like this? Tears flood in your heart, but you have to stop them from flowing out of your eyes. I don't want to cry in front of him right now. I don't want our last hours to be full of sadness. I want to collect every happy moment of ours. I want to hold him close and imprint his warmth in my body, keeping it with me even when we are apart, no matter how long.

The breeze comes. Commander Yai tucks a lock of hair on my cheek behind my ear. "I will grow Lantom trees around my place as I have told you."

I swallow a sob in my throat, my heart withering. "Please don't do that, Commander Yai."

I don't want things to be that way. I hope he moves on. I don't want him to dwell on his longing for me in grief for the rest of his life. "I hope you move forward with or without me. Don't wait for me because I don't know if.."

I don't know if I will ever see him again. I squeeze his hand and resume, "You will build a family and be happy. You will make Seehasingkorn a strong city submitted to no one."

He chuckles and says, "I understand that you want me to protect my city. But telling me to have a wife and children? What if you come back?"

I laugh despite being on the verge of tears. That is the least scary thing compared to being apart from each other forever. Love is not always about possession. I have just realised this fact. Even if I can't own him, or even if my body deteriorates with time, I believe our love will never disappear. It will stay for perpetuity.

"Then I'll raise your children. Are you afraid I will hate kids or harass your wife? Don't be ridiculous. I won't do that."

We smile at each other. Commander Yai kisses my lips gently. He doesn't express the word of love, yet I can feel every meaning of that word surrounding me, seeping through every particle of my body.

I shift and press my lips on his. A demanding kiss. Commander Yai slides his hands on my back and hip and pulls me up to straddle his lap. The wind wafts the coolness and the fragrance of wildflowers to us under the sparkling stars and the rustling leaves. 

My body is warm in his embrace. We absorb each other with every inch of our bodies, with our lips, hands, tongues, eyes, flesh, and breath. The body language of love. Commander Yai throws himself on me, filling me with every emotion. His body shivers as my heart races. We hold each other tightly. It feels like his heart is beating in my chest, clear and oddly firm.

I spend the night in Commander Yai's tent. The wind rustling the leaves outside sounds like a strange melody. I lie awake as Commander Yai snuffs out the candle and holds me in his arms.

"You know, Commander Yai, we won't be apart for real," I tell him in the dark. "When we fall asleep, we will meet again in some dreams. I know it because I used to dream about you in another lifetime."

"What kind of dream was it?" he asks.

"A very happy one."

We will meet again in our dreams. Such sweet words that are full of deep pain. Even if it is painful happiness, we reach for it and hug it protectively. I pull his hand to my lips and place it on my cheek.

"You and I will be like that as well."

The next afternoon, San Fahkum and around fifty of King Kham's soldiers arrive at our camp. The hot morning air turns murky as the rain clouds gather. A gust of wind fans leaves in the air. The rubbing of branches in the woods sounds like a groan. Both sides face each other in the vast grassland, under the grey, thick clouds and the blustering gale. The rumbling thunder overhead indicates the imminent downpour.

Commander Yai is on his horse. The white tassel hanging by the tip of his spear blows in the wind. A few meters away is San Fahkum, the messenger of King Kham's command. He is brawny and imposing as a warrior, like Commander Yai.

"Commander Yai, you and I have no personal hostility towards each other. Everything is the call of duty. Please hold no grudges against us," San Fahkum utters.

"I understand and harbour no resentment." Commander Yai's voice is low and firm, denoting his strength. I stand behind the rows of Seehasingkorian cavalry, shackled by the wrists and ankles, ready to be sent to King Kham's soldiers.

The sky is overcast. The sun hides behind the clouds as though to conceal the fact about my shadow from everyone's eyes. keep quiet throughout the negotiation, though there is nothing to negotiate. The royal procession of Princess Amphan must return to Chiang Mai under San Fahkum's responsibility, with a handful of female royal attendants and servants to take care of the princess, and me as their prisoner.

My heart shakes when I observe my shadow on the ground. Even if the clouds in the sky obscure the sun and dull every shadow around us, I notice how fast mine gets faint. I am not even confident if I will last until tomorrow night.

Finally, the time I have been dreading has come. The cavalry parts their rows, opening the path for me to walk through. I step unwaveringly towards King Kham's soldiers. San Fahkum straddles his horse proudly, his eyes landing on me. I press my lips together in a thin line, not showing any sign of fear in every step I take. I don't want Commander Yai to catch even a glimpse of terror or hesitation in me. I won't burden his heart and weaken it. We will be apart with understanding, and we will remember each other this way.

King Kham's cavalry moves and rings the procession, separating our group from theirs. I keep on walking with no looking back. After both troops go their separate ways in opposite directions, before the group of King Kham's soldiers can leave the village, the heavy rain suddenly pours. San Fahkum halts the procession. They will take shelter in the village tonight and depart in the morning

I lean my head on the bars of the cart, my temporary prison, and watch everything in hopelessness. The atmosphere of dusk disheartens my already melancholic heart. The rain has ceased for quite some time now, leaving puddles on the dirty ground and dampness in the air.

Commander Yai and the others must have gone far away from the village by now. They must be making camp in the woods, building fires, and taking turns on sentry duty. They will reach Seehasingkorn in a couple of days. The incident today will become one of the stories passed on to others and eventually disappear from someone's memory.

My drifting mind is jolted awake as soon as I spot Han Lueang heading towards me. I scoot away from the bars and glance around nervously. The other soldiers are still walking back and forth at this time. None seems to pay attention to me since I am locked up in a bolted cart with my wrists and ankles manacled.

Han Lueang stops in front of the door and stares at me with chilling eyes. San Fahkum, the messenger of King Kham's command, possesses an intimidating character. Yet, I can feel he is a steely, dutiful warrior to his city, not a vicious, ruthless man by nature. Unlike Han Lueang, obviously.

He glowers at me for another moment before unsheathing the dagger hooked at his waist. My heart drops when he starts talking.

"You must have no clue how many battles Han Kaew fought together with me. We fought shoulder to shoulder and swore to be brothers with our blood."

I keep my mouth shut, not daring to make a sound. Drawing a breath, Han Lueang fixes his eyes on me. "Han Kaew has lost his life, but I'm still alive and have to deliver his body to his family."

Han Lueang flicks his eyes to the moon floating over a cluster of clouds. It is the waxing moon, the kind that shows itself in the sky during the daytime and vanishes under the horizon late at night. My blood freezes when Han Lueang leans closer to speak to me. His voice is low but mercilessly firm in every word.

"Admire the moon to your heart's content because you will never get to see the sunrise. Han Kaew's dagger will be buried in your chest with my own hands tonight."