I Feel You Linger In The Air

Chapter 25 - The Bear Jom.

Days go by leisurely as we travel through the winding route under the shade of trees on the towering mountains surrounding us. My overall lifestyle isn't better or worse. The good part is that I have started to grow accustomed to journeying in the woods. I have learned which wild fruit is edible and how to build a fire with an antique lighter. I fall asleep to the soft chatting sound in the night breeze and the constant crackling of the fire. I wake up to admire the sunrise painting the sky in orange until it floats over the trees and turns the darkened world into the shade of ivory, the charm that makes me appreciate its existence.

Ever since I talked to Commander Yai under the tree that night, he has stopped ignoring me. He gives me a small nod when I smile at him from my position as he rides his horse by. Sometimes, when we rest in the same area, even though we both chat with the others, if our eyes meet, his lips curl up as if he's smiling at me, and it brings life and colour to everything around me.

It is the way it is. Keeping love in my heart and letting things be may sound hopeless, but not all that is hopeless. As long as I don't struggle to take possession of his heart, this feels like a small, cool stream that nourishes my heart. There is pain. There is joy. There is loneliness at times. Regardless, my life can go on.

"Captain Mun, how far are we from Seehasingkorn?" I ask Captain Mun to hit my calves with my fists to ease the stiffness.

"After we cross this mountain, we'll be halfway there," he replies.

"How does your city look?"

"A city is a city. There are houses, gardens, paddy fields, people, and markets."

"Is it similar to Chiang Mai?"

"No." Captain Mun shakes his head. "Chiang Mai is a big city with various tribes and races. Seehasingkorn is small and not hectic."

I hum a response as Captain Mun goes on.

"Though a small city, it has abundant water resources and healthy soil. In the farming season, you will see the green rice fields stretching to the base of the mountains. There is a year-long supply of eaglewood and honey to harvest. And in the festival of the twelfth month, we'll light candles and line them along the river in the evening. We'll bring popped rice and flowers as offerings to the deity. If you receive a flower hair garland from a woman that night, it means she gives you her heart."

I imagine the scenes he has described and smile. "I want to see it soon."

"I also miss my home terribly," Captain Mun sighs. 

My life goes on with no thrilling occasions until Commander Yai appears one day. I am helping the servants transfer the stacks of blankets to the luggage carts. I stop when Commander In approaches me.

"Commander In," I say softly. Since the day we rode his horse back to the camp together, we have barely had proper conversations. However, Commander In is different from Commander Yai. He is affable and jokes around with everyone, including me. When Commander In walked by, he would sometimes throw tiny wild berries for me to catch, and he would laugh out loud when I tasted them and winced because of the intense sourness. Commander In stops before me and says, "Jom, get prepared. You will have an audience with Her Royal Highness this afternoon."

My eyes widened, "For what reason, Commander In?"

"Well, what have you done?" he asks without a smile. Commander In's words and manner unnerve me. I sputter, "Nothing, Commander In. I've done nothing wrong. I've been with Captain Mun day and night and never committed a crime. I'll swear to any holy tree."

Commander In lets out a peal of laughter, his fake grave expression turning into amusement. "I was joking, Jom. You're such a scaredy-cat. If you've done no evil, why are you flustered?"

Even if he has said that, it doesn't put my mind at ease in the slightest. "If that's not the case, why does Her Royal Highness request my audience?"

"Her Royal Highness would like to witness your chess play," Commander In replies. "I have the men prepare the chess cloth and pieces. You just get ready."

And he leaves with a rejoicing smile. As soon as Captain Mun has learned about what happened, he finds new attire for me to wear when presenting to Princess Amphan. It includes a light purple high-quality cotton shirt and a short, navy woven loincloth with a floral pattern. He even slicks my hair back, showing my forehead, with coconut oil. It feels weird, but I have to admit I look pleasingly handsome.

"This purple shirt complements your fair skin," he says in satisfaction while flicking his eyes around me. "If you were a woman, I would put golden bracelets on your wrists and ankles."

I laugh. Captain Mun acts like an overdramatic parent getting his child ready for the first day of school.

"Thank you," I tell him, smiling.

However, the smile vanishes when it is time to meet Princess Amphan. I trail after Commander In uneasily, my hands sweaty, my feet tripping on things along the way.

"Jom, will you get it together? Should I carry you on my shoulder?" Commander In sighs deeply.

"I'm nervous," I mutter. I have never had an audience with the royals before, except on my commencement day. It lasted around a second, and I didn't have to say a word.

"Commander In, what if I use incorrect royal words? Will Her Royal Highness punish me?" I ask in worry. The royal language in this era differs from what I learned in school. Even if they were exactly the same, I doubt I would excel at it.

"You're worried too much." Commander In is both amused and annoyed. I have guarded Her Royal Highness for months and have never once seen Her Royal Highness get aggravated or order a beating for anyone. If you're not certain with your words, Commander Yai and I will correct them for you."

I nod and follow Commander In to the area I have never stepped into. It is a few meters away from where the other and I rested, but the atmosphere is distinctly dissimilar. 

Inches away from the tree that sends orange petals falling all over the grass, under the large white long-handled umbrella partly curtained with a thin fabric, leaving the front open, is Princess Amphan's dwelling. Next to the seat, a female royal attendant fans the princess with a long-handled fan. The other female royal attendants sat farther to the side, each dressed in beautiful satin, their hair tied up in buns adorned with flowers. I can smell the fragrant scented water from a distance.

I spot the royal physician and Commander Yai settling on the opposite side of the female royal attendants. The commander noticed me. He freezes and looks slightly stunned. I crawl on my knees and bow without a glance at the princess's face if not allowed, as Commander In instructed.

"I have brought Nai-Jom as Your Royal Highness wishes," Commander In informs the princess with the royal words in this period. I keep my head to the ground as Princess Amphan speaks.

"Is this the one creating this play?" Her voice is as clear as a bell.

"Yes, Your Royal Highness," Commander In answers.

"Look up. I merely caught a glimpse of you last time. You surfaced from the water like a fish. How peculiar."

I raise my head as told and get stupefied. The princess's face is elegant, like an angel in ancient paintings. Her eyebrows curve gorgeously, her eyes sweet, with a hint of the sharp dignity of a person born into a royal family. It is the face I am familiar with and remember well.

...Kaimook, Ohm's fiancée!

That isn't the most shocking thing to me. There is another thing before my eyes, and it makes my heart race.

"Um, what a flawless complexion. Had the royal physician not remarked that you could be a divinity in disguise, I would have wondered it myself. Isn't he such a pretty man, my royal attendants?"

The princess asks the female royal attendants, and they cover their mouths and giggle. I drop my gaze, my lips trembling, my hands cold. My eyes didn't trick me. Besides her beauty, her attire and accessories are exquisitely magnificent. The necklace and bracelets are gold, except for the hairpin securing her hair bun. It is the hairpin with tiny silver flowers hanging down, the one I saw Commander In buy and kept nicely in the satin cloth!

The following conversation goes in my ear and out the other, completely incomprehensible, until Commander In volunteers to play chess with me.

"I volunteer, Your Royal Highness."

I give him a sidelong look. Commander In's face glows with delight. Commander In turns to me. "Jom, please have mercy on me, or I will be humiliated in front of the others."

Princess Amphan laughs, "Do you fear being humiliated in front of the royal attendants?"

"I fear that in front of everyone, Your Royal Highness."

Commander In smiles and gazes up, his manner humble and respectful. But the moment their eyes meet, I can see love and admiration in Commander In's eyes. It is beyond the kind of love one has for their boss.

I explain the rules in a stutter, but the others aren't suspicious. They probably think I get awkward because I'm nervous. As I play chess with Commander In, I have trouble concentrating. Still, I beat him since he is basically a newbie. It was close, though. I keep wondering why Commander In has the guts to do such a thing. Does he have no common sense? 

The royal law in the past was rigorous, regardless of country. It is a far-fetched matter to all commoners. Just thinking about it is wrong. Commander In...what have you done? He can be given the death penalty!

I leave that place with my mind in disorder. A pouch of coins rewarded by Princess Amphan is in my grip, yet I don't rejoice. The thing between Commander In and Princess Amphan occupies my mind. They must be in love. Otherwise, Commander In would have been beheaded. Princess Amphan must reciprocate Commander In's feelings, given that she openly used the hairpin to style her hair, with no one knowing it was gifted to her by Commander In.

Time passes until dusk falls. The servants and the cooks carry on with their daily tasks. The smell of cooked rice wafts through the air, prompting stomachs to growl. Some of them rest and relax while others prepare the chess set to play together. The women chatter as they head to the stream to bathe.

Everything looks normal like any other day, but my mind is unsettled. What I have seen disturbs me so much that I get jittery. I know this is none of my business, but I also know that it is inappropriate and too big a deal to turn a blind eye to. I suddenly think of Commander Yai. Does he know of this? Is he letting his brother pursue the lady who is out of his reach to the point that he could never reach her, even if he died trying? No way. Even I am aware of how precarious this is. Commander Yai wouldn't let things go this far.

Restless, I begin to look for Commander Yai. Even though I have no idea how to talk to him about this, I still want to see him. I search for him in other groups of men and throw a glance at his tent, totally dark, which means Commander Yai isn't there. I decided to steer away from the camp, bringing a lantern with me. It is too early for Commander Yai to sleep. He might be patrolling or spending his time alone somewhere, like the day he rained the leaves on me.

The woods in this area are thick and full of dry leaves. I walk carefully, watching out for roots and rocks. I try to find him in the trees, then realise how ridiculous this is... I have lost my mind. Commander Yai is no monkey. Why would he hang out in a tree every night?

As I hesitate whether to keep going and head back to the camp, my nose catches the faint smell of smoke. I raise the lantern forward to get a better vision. When I see something swirling over the shrubs and bushes, my body is freezing....Fog

I go rigid in a panic. My heart pounds in my chest, then I notice a second later that something is off from what I thought. ...No, it is not the fog that sweeps me away to other eras. There is no powerful, irrepressible push and pull coming out of it. It is simply faint smoke with a burnt smell in the air. I step towards the source of the smoke and gawk in shock when I see the streak of fire burning over the thick growth of grass in the distance. Gusts of wind must have made the branches rub against each other. The heat from the flames spreads in the air. The wind only worsens the blaze, and it is about to catch the dry branches and leaves scattered all over this area...It's a wildfire!

I fall backwards in terror. The wildfire will spread more rapidly with these dry branches and the wind. I don't know how long it will take to get to our camp. I spin around and dash out right away.

"Commander Yai", I shout, sprinting. "Captain Mun. Commander In! There's a fire!"

I jump at the sound of the combustion behind. When I turn around, the branches and dry vines are set ablaze before my eyes. Panicking, I make a run for it blindly until I stop and stand in confusion in the middle of the woods, with a big fire lurking behind me. Where are the carts? Why aren't they where I have run to? My heart drops as I realise I am lost.

I look around without a clue of directions. This is the worst. As terrible as being burned to death is, I can't help the others escape the fire in time! decide to run through the widest path and shout at the top of my lungs.

"Commander Yai! Help! There's a fire!"

My voice reverberates across the woods. I dart through the thickets as if my life depends on it, not caring about the sting from the twigs scratching my skin. Amid fear and confusion, someone lifts me from the ground.

"Commander Yai!" I exclaim, finding out I am on a horse reined by Commander Yai. I say in a quivering voice, "Commander Yai, the wildfire."

"I saw it," he says deeply. "I heard you calling my name and rode here."

The horse is incredibly fast, and we soon arrive at the camp. Chaos breaks loose the moment Commander Yai orders everyone to evacuate from the wildfire. They quickly collect their things. A group of soldiers leads the women the other way to stay as far away from the area as possible.

"Jom," Commander Yai demands, "Follow the royal physician and the female cooks."

"But there are lots to retrieve, Commander Yai," I argue, looking at the commotion.

While a group escapes, the male servants are hastily grabbing the supplies. Mattresses and pillows fall all over the ground. There is rice and dry food to collect.

"Jom-Jao, don't be stubborn and do as I say," Commander Yai scolds in a stern voice. 

"They are big and strong. A man as small as you are can't be of much help. Hurry and follow the women. Don't cause trouble."

He rides his horse another way and barks an order to everyone to run upwind to avoid the direction of the spreading fire. Commander In trots to Commander Yai on his horse. He seems reluctant. "Yai, if we retreat that way, we will have to make a detour. It will lengthen the journey."

"Be it." Commander Yai grits his teeth. "I won't risk pushing through the fire. Have you forgotten who we are guarding? Go!"

With that, the flames reach the carts. Commander Yai and Commander In split up to handle the situations. One head to protect Princess Amphan and the others, while the other deals with the supply transfer and evacuation. The soldiers try to calm the cows and horses from the panic as the servants hurriedly rein the cows into the carts. The process is arduous because the animals are terrified of the fire. The carriages with the women have departed. What is left are the supply and luggage carts.

I watch everything, frightened. A spark of fire lands on the roof of a cart, and the servants try to smother it while taking the food supply out. I hesitate. I know Commander Yai forbade me to help, but we are in a critical situation, and he isn't looking at me. I make up my mind in an instant. Instead of joining the running group, I charge towards the cart.

Okay. I know I act like a freaking idiot. But, hold up. I have watched tons of movies, and I absolutely hated it when some characters took unnecessary action and made the damage worse. Some even caused injuries or death to themselves or others. I'm not that stupid.

I can force myself to get over the torn sacks of rice and ignore the scattering pillows and blankets they have failed to bring in time, but I can't give up salt. Salt in this era is expensive and valuable, and its benefits are diverse. It is useful in food preservation and Thai traditional medicine. Salt can disinfect wounds, reduce inflammation, induce vomiting in case you swallow a poisonous substance, and so on.

I bolt to the cart. The servants, unable to smother the fire on the roof, try to get as much of the food supply out as possible.

"Salt!" I shout. "Take the salt sacks out first!"

A servant hops onto the cart and comes back with a sack of salt. He throws it to the other guy and me before returning inside. He tosses out everything he puts his hands on. When we get another two salt sacks, I shout. "Enough! Get out!"

He jumps to the back of the cart before the flames can catch up and hurt him. We rush off with the sacks in our arms and join the group of men loading the cart that still has room. Once we have successfully fled from the fire, we all make our way back down to find another place to set a camp. All in all, we have lost one cart and some of the supplies. Fortunately, no one is severely injured.

When we have trekked far enough and found a spot to make camp, we stop for a rest. I sit with the male and female cooks to catch my breath. Many of them have recovered from the terror to some extent, but everyone is knackered. The servants begin to set the tents again. They built a big fire. Everything gradually turns back to normal, though some keep talking about the recent incident. I crane my neck towards the men checking on the retrieved supplies. I want to help them, but hold back.

Commander In and Commander Yai are still overseeing the tents of Princess Amphan and the female royal attendants. Finally, Commander Yai appears in this area. I act like I have been sitting here for a long time and never run to the cart that got burnt earlier. Commander Yai stares at me. He frowns and asks in a gruff voice. "Did you not listen to me at all?"

"What do you mean? When did I disobey you?" I lie, acting innocent. He steps towards me, rubs my forehead and cheek with his palm, and lays his hand in front of me. I gulp when I see the soot on his hand. Out of excuses, I blink and lock my eyes on the evidence showing that I have interfered with the transference. Not wasting a second, Commander Yai grasps my upper arm and pulls me with him.

"Where are you taking me, Commander Yai?" I ask. He wouldn't give me a beating by the fire as an example for everyone, right? We have just escaped from the wildfire. Can't he let it slide?!

"Silence."

I have to obey his order without a choice. Commander Yai helps me mount his horse, and we gallop off. A short distance away from the camp, Commander Yai stops the horse by a stream. He ties the horse to a tree and turns to me.

"Wash your face and the scrapes on your body."

I walk to the stream, leave my shirt on the grass, and wade in until half of my calves are in the water. I scoop the water with my hands and wash my face and limbs. Commander Yai follows me and starts cleaning himself. I glance at him. "Have you stopped thinking I'm a spy?"

"What kind of spy is worried about his enemy more than himself?"

I can't help smiling. He must have seen the good side of me. I hope it will be enough for him to treat me with kindness for a long time.

A while after we have finished bathing, Commander Yai and I just hang out by the stream to relax. He turns to me and speaks.

"Jom, thank you so much. If we had known of the fire even a bit later, we wouldn't have lost only one cart."

"Don't make it sound like you owe me. I didn't want anyone to be hurt. Captain Mun, the soldiers, and the servants are my friends. They treat me well. So do you and Commander In. I'm very relieved everyone is safe, and I'm glad I could be of some help."

Commander Yai rests his gaze on my face, his eyes softening. He reaches out and ruffles my hair.

"Let's head back. It's late. Once we're at the camp, I'll ask for a salve from the royal physician for you. Your body is covered in scrapes from those twigs. Apply it on your skin day and night so they don't leave scars."

His words melt my heart. Does he have any idea that every time he treats me with gentleness, I don't want to do anything besides whatever he says? I want him to adore me, and I want to listen to him speaking again and again. I rise and follow Commander Yai to the tree with his horse tied to it. I wonder why Commander Yai doesn't get lost as easily as I do.

"How do you remember the directions? To me, the trees look the same. It confuses me even more in this darkness. If I were to head back alone, I would get lost for sure."

"The star in the sky tells the time and directions." He looks up at the sky. "In this season, the Evening Star appears in the west after sunset until the end of the rainy season. And in the twelfth month, the Morning Star appears in the east before sunrise. The directions of the star change seasonally. They were recorded with the wisdom of our ancestors."

I smile at him. "You know, there is the science of stargazing in my era. They grouped the stars in constellations and gave them names for easy recognition. I know some of them."

His lips curve up as he lifts his eyebrow in curiosity. I quickly boast about my knowledge since the chance only comes up once in a while.

"Look that way." I point at the sky in the north before forming a square frame with my index fingers and thumbs of both hands, like when you try to find the right angle to photograph. "Come closer, Commander Yai, so you can see."

He moves closer as told.

"See? There are seven stars brighter than the others. They form the shape of an animal, with a head, a body, and a tail. This constellation is the Great Bear."

Commander Yai goes silent for a moment, then mumbles, "Hmm..how odd."

"Why?" I turn to him, and my heart flutters at his expression...How do I put it? He is smiling, but the smile looks weird. It is like he wants to smile but presses his lips to stifle it. His eyes sparkle.

"We call them the Big Dipper."

It takes me a moment to get what he means. My mouth flaps open and closed for several seconds before I can speak, "Wait.. You're not thinking I named the constellation after you on purpose, right?"

He offers no reply. Instead, he twists his lips into a content smile and turns aside. I gape....Oh, dear. How narcissistic! Deeply bothered, I blurt out, "All right...Commander Yai, forget it. It's not called the Great Bear. The constellation is the Bear Jom. I named it myself!"

He doesn't mind my outburst and simply mumbles, "Did I say anything? Call it however you want."

Ugh… unbelievable. Seeing no point in arguing, I press my lips together tightly in aggravation and shyness. Meanwhile, Commander Yai pretends to gaze at the sky with that pleased smile on his face. In a heartbeat, it feels like I have double vision. 

Khun-Yai once had this expression when I drove his car out with him for the first time. 

That day, I unintentionally spoke with a temper because I was jealous of Khun-Bongkoch. Khun-Yai pretended to look out the window, his face pleased that accidentally expressed my romantic feelings for him. And right now, that expression paints on Commander Yai's face. My heart tingles at the thought.

Does he know his action is giving me hope, not to mention those teasing, compliant words? Where should I keep my heart so it won't flutter? No... I have to stop thinking. This is a pathetically delusional thought that often occurs to people with one-sided love. Their crushes treat them a bit nicer, and they assume their feelings are reciprocated. They always end up with tears trickling down their cheeks, bawling, helplessly heartbroken.

I scoot away from him and stride to the horse tied to the tree. "Let's go back to the camp, Commander Yai. It'll dawn in a few hours. My eyelids feel heavy." Commander Yai doesn't oppose the suggestion. He helps me mount the horse, settles behind me, and signals the steed to trot.

The physical contact ignites this strange feeling in me again, which is undesirable. If I lose control, fail to hold myself back, and needlessly express my feelings, our good relationship right now will deteriorate into the previous state. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable and give me the cold shoulder again. I hope he is kind to me like this for a long time.

To stop my wild thoughts, I divert my attention to something else by initiating a conversation with Commander Yai to make things feel as normal as possible. I try to keep my voice steady.

"We've moved far from the wildfire, yet the burnt smell still reaches here."

He remains silent for a second and says, "I smell nothing, Jom."

"It's so strong. Can't you smell it?"

He exhales a deep sigh. "My nose keeps catching another scent. It's bothering me so much."

"Hmm...? What scent?" I sniff the air.

"Turn this way."

I turn my head as told and jump a little because Commander Yai's face is closer than I thought. He is looking at me with a smile, a teasing, playful smile that shakes my heart. Suddenly, he slides his big hand around my waist and leans his charming face closer. Then, Commander Yai kisses my cheek.