I Feel You Linger In The Air

Chapter 24 - Jom's Tears.

Noting my stunned, pale face, Captain Mun pats my shoulder.

"It's no big deal, Jom. I also love and respect the commander with all my heart, though I never whine about it like a madman the way you did."

"Huh..?" I stare at Captain Mun in confusion for a second. When I understand his meaning, I quickly play along. "Oh..Right, I love and respect him so much. He's like..my guardian angel."

"Your guardian angel?" Captain Mun looks amused. "Whatever. Just don't be drunk and hold on to your guardian angel like that again, or you will get us all in trouble. Commander Yai has forbidden everyone to give you liquor. Otherwise, that person will be punished."

I gulp. "I won't do it again, Captain Mun. I will never drink liquor again. Not even a sip."

As Captain Mun carries out his routine duty, I spend this time heading to the bank to reflect on my actions. It takes a while before my brain can process anything. The scenes from last night gradually replay in my head one by one. It looks normal at first, but after Commander Yai grabbed me and covered my mouth, not a single scene is good. This is...disastrous.

I rub my face, ashamed. What evil spirit spurred me to do such a thing? Ever since I was born, I have never thought I would fall on the ground and hug someone's leg like that. What would Commander Yai think of what happened? Would he see it as a hilarious action of a madman or feel displeased that I claimed to be his lover from another lifetime, despite being a man?

I stick out my head to look at my reflection in the clear water. They say the sons who resemble their mothers will be lucky, free of misfortunes. I am the spitting image of my mom. My grandma is a northern woman married to a central man, so my mom has big, round eyes, an oval-shaped face, and cute, small lips and nose. Only my eyes are slightly different from hers. I have double eyelids, but my eyelashes are long because my dad is half-Chinese. If I am this similar to my mom this much, why am I so unfortunate?

It is no use blaming fate. I heave a sigh and scoop water with a small dipper to brush my teeth. Oddly enough, I have become accustomed to this daily routine. The natural water in the woods is cleaner and more refreshing than tap water. The toothbrush is made of a twig of the rough brush smashed flat at the end. I dip it in salt and brush my teeth with it. When I chew guava leaves like the other guys after that, my breath smells fresh all day.

I finish washing up and stay there, watching two doves perched on the branch side by side. One of them flies down to peck a bug and soars back up to flirt with the other. It probably didn't try to make its lover drunk last night. That explains why they are still lovey-dovey in the morning. What do I do now? Do I try to get out of it by playing dumb?

Do I go to Commander Yai and apologise for getting so wasted that I committed something awfully embarrassing? I confessed my feelings and begged him to love me back....How the hell could I do that? 

I yank my hair in frustration. I had been hiding my feelings and never once brazenly expressed them. Alcohol doesn't change you. It reveals your true colours. I have to untangle the knot and accept the consequences of my action. I must face Commander Yai even if I might be sniped at or punished to keep my distance three meters away from him at all times.

Things go on typically this morning. Captain Mun and his friends chatter away, not forgetting to bring up the incident where they got wasted in Commander Yai's tent during their spirited conversation.

"See, Ai-Jom, if you crave liquor next time, drink it secretly behind his back," one of them tells me. "Put some in a small bottle and hook it in your waistband, away from the others' eyes. Don't tell anyone I suggested this."

I smile meekly, accepting every tease coming my way. Go on...Have at it. I can't stop them anyway. Before my bummed smile disappears, my eyes catch Commander Yai riding his horse by. He turns in my direction, and our eyes meet. My heart drums, hesitating about what to do. Should I offer him an apologetic smile? But Commander Yai looks away. I stand there dumbly until the person walking behind bumps into me.

"Ugh! Why did you stop?" he barks.

"Sorry," I say, distracted. "I spaced out."

"The sun is nearly rising above our heads, and you're still not sober?"

The other guys laugh merrily. I don't find it funny this time, worried about Commander Yai's behaviour just now. Is he seriously mad at me? The thought drains strength from my limbs. Have I circled back to the start, where Commander Yai showed me no amity? Back then, he was suspicious of me. But now, he might hate me for real.

My anxiety grows as time passes. Finally, I have found a chance during our afternoon break. I stride to Commander Yai when he adjusts the horse saddle alone.

"Commander Yai, could I have a word with you?" I ask softly. Commander Yai turns to me but says nothing. I try to brave up. I need to heal the damage I caused last night.

"Well..About last night. I know you must be angry with me, but I want to explain my actions. I never meant for it to happen. I drank too much and spoke nonsense without thinking. I'm mad at myself as well. As to..."

"I'm not angry," Commander Yai cuts in, his face deadpan, almost empty. "If you're worried that I will punish you, don't be. Return to your position. It's about time to set out."

I can't utter a word; I just look at him, speechless. I have braced myself for reprimand with offensive remarks, not for this coldness as a response. I swallow the bitterness down my throat. My explanation is pointless now. An apology will be enough. I clench my fists and deliver it.

"I'm sorry."

Commander Yai nods but gives no reply. He puts his foot on the stirrup and mounts the horse. This is worse than I expected. I suppress my feelings and decide to spin and walk off, but I halt after three steps. My heart feels so heavy that I nearly lose my fight, yet I refuse to let things end this way. I speak with my back to him.

"I apologise for my inappropriate action. But, as to what I said about us being lovers in another lifetime, I meant it."

I hold my breath and head away without looking back at him again.

Time passes with my crestfallen heart. Even the atmosphere is duller than ever. The sky is smudged with dark clouds, and the wind is gusty. Eventually, the procession halts to set up camp, as we fear a possible downpour.

During the hours of the afternoon trip after my conversation with Commander Yai, I reflected over and over on what had happened. The more I ponder, the more mistakes I pinpoint. I try to be in his shoes. If a stranger came into my life and did all the bizarre things I had done, how would I feel? The answer isn't positive.

In the evening, Commander Yai doesn't call for me as the other days, and it only intensifies this pain and the feeling of being a failure. I force myself to eat a few bites during the meal before moving to the area where they will build a fire later tonight. They are happy that the wind blows the clouds away, so the rain falls somewhere else. Therefore, their evening activities remain unchanged

A while later, seeing the others enjoy playing chess, I plod over to the line of carts but don't get on one. I continue walking to the great tree not far away, stepping on the dry leaves piling up from the wind in the evening. I flop by the tree trunk and gaze up at the moon in the sky. The crescent moon glows behind the curtain of thin clouds. I look at it and sigh. The moon is the same one I have seen in the world I was born and raised in, and the world I lived in with Khun-Yai. It remains beyond every era, alongside our world, and possibly always gazes down at us. If the moon could talk, I would ask what it had witnessed. Did it ever stumble across me having a happy ending somewhere?

And all the feelings I have been suppressing pour out. I pull my knees to my chest and drape my arms around them. I clench my jaw to stop the hotness behind my eyes. Weakness is something I never wish to encounter, but it now overpowers my mind in a way that I can't put up a fight against. In the past few hours, I reflected on a lot of things and discovered some facts I had overlooked. Before, I thought I had it together, that I could live here without losing my mind or falling into death. But no. I was in denial. My heart has shattered since the day I was forced to part from Khun-Yai and shoved into this place. I was knocked down and never got back up, even to this very second. The things I told myself to think and do are merely the struggle to survive each day.

I am utterly weak and confused right now, not even sure about my feelings. I feel scared and sad, and I yearn for strength and hope. I want myself to be able to live without falling apart into tiny pieces. And the most terrifyingly fragile feeling out of all is the feeling of missing someone. I am scared to miss Khun-Yai.

It is the part that both consoles and torments me. I am scared to keep thinking of him looking at me on the road edged with rubber trees. I am scared that I won't be able to endure it anymore. I know Khun-Yai will wait to reunite with me again, and he actually succeeds on a certain day in his world. It was the day Chiang Mai was shrouded in smog in my era. The day I headed out from the little house to my car before starting the engine to drive to the nightclub by the Ping River. Khun-Yai saw me and called my name, but what I did was walk away as fast as possible.

Nothing hurts my heart more than missing the person forever out of my reach. I can't do anything for him despite knowing how much pain he has to go through. And right now, both Khun-Yai and Commander Yai are out of my reach.

As for Commander Yai, I held on to him as my anchor and used him out of my own selfishness, as if he were a log floating down the river that I clasped to save myself from drowning. I viewed him as the only tangible hope in the world, unknown to me, as the person I wished to rely on. That was all I thought about, and I did everything without considering how he truly felt.

I prop my face on my arms and try to hold my tears. The leaves fall on my shoulders and around my body. It hits me that there is no wind besides the occasional, barely unperceivable breeze. I raised my head from my arms to find out that the leaves only fell around me. I look up right away. ..Commander Yai.

He is leaning against the upper trunk on the branch above my head, a small clump of leaves left in his hand. He blows them down on me. I stand up, feeling awkward now that I know I chose the wrong place. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were here first," I mumble and spin rapidly. "I'll be off now."

Before I take a step, he speaks with his low, hoarse voice. "Can you recall your incarnations?"

I halt, too afraid to turn around. I hear him jumping down from the tree and walking on the dry leaves towards me.

"Answer me." Commander Yai's voice is so close. I slowly turn around and muster my courage to lift my eyes at him. Commander Yai rests his gaze on me, waiting for my answer. His expression is not as moody as during the daytime. He looks solemn, his eyes gleaming like jet.

"I don't know how to put it simply for you," I whisper. Not that I feel intimidated by him, but my mind is exhausted.

"Explain it how you prefer."

I nod and drop my gaze, trying to think of words that people in this era can comprehend.

"I don't live in the same era as yours. I'm from somewhere you've never heard of. I came with the river and the fog with unknown sources, the way you saw for yourself the day I emerged from the cascade in the cave."

"What purpose did you come here for?"

"I have no idea," I say bitterly. "I was swept away forcefully from where I had been. Last time, it brought me to another place, and there I met you in another lifetime. In that period, we were in love and shared our bed. That was why I did what you saw I did."

Commander Yai is stunned. I shoot him an understanding gaze.

"I know you must feel uncomfortable because you don't think of me that way. Nonetheless, the feelings in my heart are still there and never fade away, and I don't want to erase them. I will never throw away something meaningful to me. If love hurts, then be it. I've realised this is an issue I have to deal with on my own. I can't make you take responsibility, so please don't be bothered by it."

"What you said is puzzling. I'm uncertain of how to think of it."

"Don't think. Pity is not love. Just go on with your life," I tell him, "because I don't know what to think anymore either. I just want a moment of silence to calm my mind."

Commander Yai lets out a soft sigh and says, "Then stay here. I'll go."

I nod, and Commander Yai walks past me. My heart plummets as though it is torn out of my chest. I turn towards him. The sight before me rips off the strength to hold myself back. I step forward and wrap my arms around Commander Yai from behind.

"Commander Yai, please don't push me away." My voice quivers. "Let me stay like this for a moment, and I will never ask for anything this crazy again. I will never bother you anymore."

Whether it is out of pity or to get it over with, Commander doesn't take my hands off. He allows me to bury my face in his back and hugs him tightly as if afraid he will disappear. My shoulders shake as I sob. I can stifle my voice, but I can't stop my tears. Warm teardrops stain his back, and he knows.

"Do you love me so much?"

"As much as my life."

My answer comes out with a sob. Commander Yai speaks to me in a softened voice.

"Jom-Jao, don't cry. If we were lovers in another lifetime for certain, I might recall it someday like you."

His words make me cry even more. How can he ever recall it when our times run in opposite directions? His time flows forward while mine flows backwards. My past is his future. How can one remember something that hasn't happened? I loosen my embrace. Commander Yai doesn't leave as I thought he would. He slowly turns to me and looks at my tear-streaked face.

"Don't cry." He reaches out his hand and brushes the tears off my cheek with his thumb. 

"Don't stain your cheeks with tears. Let the moonlight shower your cheeks instead."

The touch on my cheek feels oddly familiar, as though he once did it before. I glance up at Commander Yai. He doesn't look cold or annoyed, the way he always expressed. His eyes soften more than ever, like he has this kindness and adoration to offer and genuinely wants to comfort me. Maybe Commander Yai has always possessed this gentle side that I have never caught a glimpse of. 

I sniff and force a smile at him. Though my tired heart makes it hard, I don't want to disregard his kindness. His comforting words mean the world to me and save my heart from crumbling down any further. I smile at him and speak with sincerity.

"Thank you so much, Commander Yai."