I Feel You Linger In The Air

Chapter 15 - Shadow

I don't turn my head even if I know Khun-Yai is heading my way. My widening eyes lock on the shadow on the landing that suggests something is wrong with me until Khun-Yai's palm touches my arm.

"Poh-Jom, what's wrong? Your face is pale like a sick person."

I slowly move my gaze to his face. My expression must be visibly frightened because Khun-Yai slides both his hands up my upper arms.

"Poh-Jom..." His voice and eyes seem worried. "What's wrong?"

My brain is overwhelmed by a scattered set of puzzles. What am I supposed to do at this point? Do I lie to him as I have always done? It should be like that. If I wish to live here smoothly, I have to lie. But I can't take this anymore. What I have seen shocks and terrifies me so much that my fear towards other matters feels less significant.

"Khun-Yai." I point my trembling finger at the shadow on the wooden landing. "My shadow."

Khun-Yai's eyes follow my finger to the cleanly scrubbed wooden landing. My shadow and Khun-Yai's lengthen side by side on the polished planks. Khun-Yai's shadow is dark, almost black, like the shadows cast by the branches and the eaves, while mine is grey, contrasting with everything around us. Khun-Yai squints, then his eyes widen. He turns to me in shock. I gulp and force the words out of my dry throat. "If I tell you the truth of where I came from, will you believe me?"

I have spent around an hour thoroughly confiding in Khun-Yai about my story, who I am, where I am from, and how I got back to the past. I even told him I still had my phone with me, kept safe in my closet in the hopes that one day it would be a medium taking me back to my real present time.

It is an inexplicable torture to see doubts and bafflement in his eyes as I speak. He listens quietly at his desk, with me sitting farther to his side. It must be hard for him to believe me, as the story is unbearably bizarre. Regardless, my unmistakable shadow is not to be overlooked, as no human being has a shadow like mine. It is as though I am not real. The scientific theory is not very convincing, but the superstitious one seems to make everything worse.

"Do you believe what I am saying?" I ask.

Khun-Yai offers no response. He remains silent for such a long time that I feel disheartened, not daring to utter another word. I press my lips together and squeeze my hands, trying to suppress all negative feelings surging in my mind. I have chosen to confess out of panic and my wish not to lie to him anymore. Deep down, however, I know I want to rely on him. I want him to support me through everything.

I glance at Khun-Yai's hands on his lap, feeling like grabbing one of them to press on my cheek, to feel safe by its warmth, but I don't dare to. What I fear most is him yanking his hand back, which would clearly show his current feelings: that he no longer sees me the way he did before. I would be an unhinged person, a liar, a weirdo, a fault, or even a spirit.

I feel like my heart is about to be torn to shreds. I realise at this moment how much he thinks about me affects my feelings. After a few moments that feel like an eternity, Khun-Yai finally says, "Bring me the thing you have kept in your closet."

Khun-Yai's unreadable voice makes my eyelids burn. I reply softly, "Yes." I step back silently. Once in my room, I flop on the floor in exhaustion...What happened to me? Is this my body? Do I have another body of mine in the era I am from? What are the people I love in that world doing? Do my parents and my sister think I have disappeared, as my body is here? The worst-case scenario is that my body has gone nowhere, sunk at the bottom of the Ping River, and only my spirit has drifted here.

I wrap my arms around my knees in distress, too lost to have the strength to get up. Eventually, I force myself to walk to the closet and take my phone out from under a pile of shirts. The coolness from the rectangular black steel object seeps through my palm. Its weight denotes its existence.

'All matter is indestructible.' I think of this sentence as I stare at my phone in puzzlement, but my brain is too foggy to find an explanation. I leave my room, make my way across the balcony encircling the house, and enter the hall, where Khun-Yai is waiting.

Khun-Yai locks his eyes on my phone on the dark wooden table. He hesitates a little before picking it up. He flips it around for a while and says, "I have never seen anything like this."

"Yes. It's a phone in my era."

"There are no telephone exchanges in Chiang Mai, only in the Capital."

"It has a different system from the one in this era. It's a wireless phone enabled to communicate with other phones by cell towers or the network from the satellites that have been sent up in the sky to link the signals."

Khun-Yai's expression is troubled. He doesn't return my phone and places it next to him instead. Silence enfolds us, thickening as if to suffocate us. Khun-Yai heaves a sigh and says, "What you have said sounds unbelievably bizarre."

My heart sinks. I can't even look up, my eyes nearly piercing a hole in the floor.

Khun-Yai resumes, "But I don't think you are lying, and I will never believe you are a ghost."

I glance up at him in surprise, warmth swelling in my heart when I see the way he looks at me. "Khun-Yai… Why do you think so?"

"Have you never realised that you often spoke as though you could predict the future? What you have said could be a vision."

....No, he is twisting my story.

"Khun-Yai, it's not a vision," I deny in a raspy voice. "I can't foresee the future. I am from there. Please don't forget about my shadow. No one in this region, including you, has that kind of shadow."

Khun-Yai presses his lips together as if he is fighting his own thoughts. I feel terribly sorry for him. He shouldn't have to experience anything like this.

"As for your shadow, it is beyond my comprehension. You might be from a legendary town or the Himmapan Forest. That would explain why you are different from others. But the assumption about you being a ghost or spirit, I don't believe it."

"Khun-Yai.."My voice trails off in weariness. "I'm not from the Himmapan Forest. Definitely not."

Khun-Yai seizes my wrist. I raise my eyes and meet the gaze exuding an intense emotion. "How can a spirit be warm with flesh and blood like this? I can't bring myself to believe it."

Khun-Yai pulls me into his arms. I don't resist, burying myself in his embrace. At least the best thing about these horrible situations is that he doesn't let me fight on my own. "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"I am not," he answers in a clear voice. I close my eyes and whisper, "But I am."

Even if the possibility that Khun-Yai would banish me from his life is dropped, it doesn't mean the other problems are solved. The truth about myself remains a mystery even to me, and no one can be at ease over this matter.

Days pass by with my growing despondent feeling. I wake up each morning feeling heavy, but I have to live on despite my zero confidence. I hate the sun. I hate its powerful, bright light that seems to announce to everyone in the world, I am the fault of this era. Khun-Yai is aware of this, as sometimes I notice him sneak glances at me in worry from his bedroom window. Seeing my loved one anxious doubles the pain. I try to avoid spending time with Khun-Yai for too long so that his mind won't be occupied by me. I even fake a smile like I don't overthink it to ease the tension, but it turns out to be a laughless joke when I can tell that he is trying to pretend he is not worried about me as well.

In front of me, Khun-Yai acts normally and moves on with his life as before. Even so, I catch his face clouded whenever he thinks I am not looking. He sometimes embraces me and gently kisses my temple to offer solace and encouragement, but I can sense his concern in his eyes. The house that used to feel nice and warm is permeated by dejection hiding in corners, with uncertainty as the master of the house.

It all gnaws at us every second, torturously wearing us down, slowly killing us in our living bodies. It makes me reflect on my current situation once more. Ever since the first day I met Khun-Yai, he has never treated me wrong. He is my utmost delight, my hope, and my anchor. My heart swells every time I catch affection visible in his eyes. If he loves me to the point that he is willing to get stuck in the unexplainable dark with me, how can I love him so little that I can watch him drown in despair without doing anything?

Finally, my patience has reached its limit. On a night he is about to go to bed, I say. "Khun-Yai, I have a favour to ask of you."

"What is it?"

"I want to visit a temple," I stress every word. "Any temple. I hope you will accompany me there."

"For what purpose?" Khun-Yai frowns.

I breathe in. "I want to know what will happen if I can get into a temple. If I meet a monk, he might see something in me and point it out if I am actually a spirit."

Khun-Yai slowly shakes his head. "I disagree,"

"Why? Are you afraid I would be burnt to a crisp if I step into a temple?"

"Poh-Jom." Khun-Yai's voice sharpens. "Don't say that."

I go silent. Catching himself, Khun-Yai utters the next words with a softened and pleading voice. "Since I don't think you are a ghost, there is no need to prove it."

"You can't make me stay like this." My voice cracks as I can't suppress my feelings anymore. "I'm going crazy. And so are you."

"I don't want to risk it." That hurts even more. What he has said brings me both happiness and misery. It indicates how he holds fast to keeping me safe more than the thought that living with something that could be either a ghost or a human is abnormal.

"I'm scared too, Khun-Yai," I admit. "But I can't stay like this. There has never been a night I could sleep without feeling this agony threatening to explode my brain. When I closed my eyes, I saw myself drowning. When I dreamed, it was a nightmare. I dreamed that the sun evaporated me. The terror felt perpetual because when I opened my eyes, it still looked like I was in a nightmare. If you do me this favour, at least we can find out whether I'm a human being. Even if it turns out I'm not, it's better than being blind to the truth. That would be no different from concluding that I am dead." 

Khun-Yai quietly listens to me bewailing. Still, I can tell from his physical reaction how much my words pressure his feelings. He clenches his jaw, pressing his hands on the wooden edge of his bed, and his knuckles go white.

"If you insist on proving it, I have no choice but to permit it."

The next day, Khun-Yai and I drive off from the house and roar across the route skirting the Ping River to give offerings at the temple. I  gaze at the sunlight shining through the trees and onto the road. The air is warm and bright as if nothing terrible will ever happen in this world. Khun-Yai is next to me, but we don't talk much. Looking back, ever since I noticed my shadow that day, we have conversed less, like we have been walking on eggshells with our words, in fear that they may hurt either of us.

As our car approaches the market area, it gets more crowded because the other side of the Ping River is home to the Warorot Market and Thapae Street. I drive past the Nawarat Bridge, heading to the pagoda sticking out over the groves of trees. Shortly after, the white wall of the temple stretches before us. I slow down and decide to pull over beside the wall near the entrance instead of driving right in. My hands are sweaty.

"Let's get out, Poh-Jom. If you can't go inside, then don't do it," Khun-Yai's gentle voice sounds close to me.

We both step out of our car. When we have reached the entrance, I am reluctant to go forward. Khun-Yai holds my arm, making me look at him.

"If anything happens, I will pull you out."

His words and reassuring eyes give me courage. I take a deep breath and force myself to step into the temple's entrance....Nothing happens.

My body doesn't burn or writhe in pain the way I saw in dramas, only the breeze blowing the bullet wood flowers onto my arms. I turn to Khun-Yai and see his relieved and glad expression. I say, "I will bring the offerings."

A moment later, Khun-Yai and I sit inside the temple while other people give their offerings. I pay respect to the principal Buddha image, pay homage to the Buddha, and wait with Khun-Yai. I slide the offerings to Khun-Yai when it is our turn, but Khun-Yai says, "Come with me, Poh-Jom."

"Ah. Is it okay?" I hesitate. Before Khun-Yai answers, the monk says, "Bring them together."

I raise my eyes at the monk. He fixes his kind gaze on me as he does others in the temple. Suddenly, I feel comforted and mumble an agreement. After offering the gifts, the monk sprinkles holy water on us. Its drops feel cool on my arms. I glance at Khun-Yai and see him smiling my way. Khun-Yai gestures to me to come closer so the monk can bind our wrists with the holy thread.

Once we are back in our car, Khun-Yai says, "How can a ghost be sprinkled by the holy water and have its wrist bound in the holy thread?"

I look down at my wrist and can't help asking, "If it had turned out I couldn't go inside the temple, or if I had screamed and shaken when the holy water touched me, what would you have done?"

"I would have taken you back home." I almost smile. "And let the spirit keep on wandering around the house?"

"I have no problem with that. I am not scared of a spirit like yours."

The air is totally dissimilar on our way back home. The peace of mind we have received lifts our moods. I am just an unfortunate man, cluelessly jumping to another world, but I am not a ghost. Even though this is just a belief that can't exactly be proven, it indeed affects our minds. My mind feels clearer and isn't as fogged by the shadow thing as before.

"If you are bothered by the sunlight, avoid coming into contact with it. Bring an umbrella wherever you go," says Khun-Yai.

What..? Is he seriously suggesting I travel around the town under an umbrella like a lady with fragile skin? I hate myself just by the thought of it. Just trying to avoid the sunlight is good enough. My mouth itches to joke back, "Wouldn't it be easier to extinguish the sun?"

"If I could, do you think I wouldn't?" A smile paints my face, the first genuine smile since the day I found out my shadow was paler than everything.  Khun-Yai returns a smile, one as bright as his eyes, and it touches my heart as if it will be engraved in there forever. 

What kind of virtue or good deeds have I ever committed to have someone like him be my own? We arrived home soon after. I follow Khun-Yai up the stairs of the little house and remember something.

"Khun-Yai, is my phone still with you?" I ask.

Khun-Yai cocks his head towards me. "What about it?"

"Well...!t's mine. Shouldn't I be the one keeping it?"

Khun-Yai turns on his heels and says every word clearly, "If that thing might be a medium that takes you back to where you came from, don't even think of seeing it again."

...Wow. Is he just going to confiscate it like this? I stand there for a moment, dumbfounded, before asking, "Are you going to keep me here for the rest of my life?"

"Are you afraid I can't take care of you?" His words make my cheeks burn, and the heat might spread to other parts of my body. Smiling, I mumble, guess I hit the jackpot."

Khun-Yai says no more. He simply smiles, spins around, and steps up onto the balcony. My eyes trail after his back, and my heart inflates as though it is about to float. Joy fans out in my chest, warm and cool. I feel happy as if I am home. A feeling emerges, more explicitly than it has ever been before.

Maybe...I might not have been thrown into this world for any significant reason in the grand scheme of the universe. I might not have been sent to warn of or prevent the danger, or to cease the war. The reason could be for me. I might have jumped here to meet someone waiting for me on the other side of time. Since the person couldn't travel through time, the other person had to. My home is not situated on any land and is not filled with luxurious furniture. My home is in Khun-Yai. In his heart.

Who else would transcend the conditions one should have in mind, like Khun-Yai? About me being a man, possibly a ghost, or even not real at all. People would give up with just the first condition. I am more certain than ever that it is him...He is the only one who will stay by my side no matter what my problem is. He will be with me in joy and sorrow, and we will get through any circumstances together in the future. I know it won't be easy, but if he is next to me, I am ready to fight for him, too.

"Khun-Yai," I called. Khun-Yai turns around with a trace of a smile on his face, his eyes visibly displaying his feelings for me as always. I speak again, hoping that this time my expression and eyes will convey everything in my heart to him as well.

"If you don't mind, can I sleep in your room tonight?"