I Feel You Linger In The Air

Chapter 12 - The Rain and the Lonely Man

I have lived through days after that night rather smoothly. Days became weeks. And in the blink of an eye, I have resided in Khun-Yai's place for nearly a month. All the heaviness piling up on me, I don't know when it vaporised. All I feel is this peace of mind, as though I am part of this place.

Perhaps it is for the first important reason: I have discovered that I can't go back to my world as fast as I wish. I need to stay here for a long time, long enough to draw several pictures at least. It eases my recent anxiety. The other reason is probably Khun-Yai. He is comfort and solace. Like a tree, strong and reliable, though the tree is a charming and playful one. If I let my guard down, I might fall into something from his kindness.

In the daytime, I handle trivial tasks in the little house and ensure convenience for Khun-Yai. At night, I sleep next to his bed. Sometimes I scratch his back or just chat with him. It felt weird at first, but I have found joy in it lately. It is fair to say I have gotten used to talking to him every night.

The only thing I can't bring myself to get used to is his incomparable sweetness and his flirtatious words that I don't allow myself to accept or unnecessarily daydream about at all costs. His humbleness and flirty teases, though spoken only a little, can cause the listener to overthink. Khun-Yai might not be bothered, but I am not a rock. Plus, I am homosexual. If he is not careful, I have to be.

"Khun-Yai, it's been over a week. You've seen I haven't sleepwalked even for a day. Could I sleep in my room now?" I ask as he writes his lesson in the waterfront pavilion. 

The weather is much warmer, only cool in the morning. It gets pretty hot when the sunlight shines late in the morning, ready for the full-on summer. Well, it is incredible that winter lasts for months, unlike my era, where winter lasts for five to six days. It is like winter comes for a picnic in Thailand and hurries off to run errands elsewhere.

"Besides the sleepwalking, I am worried about something else," Khun-Yai answers my question, his eyes glued to the piece of paper.

"What is it?"

He glances up slightly and says in an even voice, "I don't want to see you sad like that windy night."

Oh..Is it about this? He pities his heartbroken servant. Khun-Yai could guess the situation by my answer, which vaguely admitted that I had a lover and had been dumped. He never asks for details to stir my emotions. How kind. If you are so sweet, I will fall in love with you for real.

"Don't worry about it. I am perfectly fine. Lack of food kills, lack of love doesn't, Khun-Yai."

"You won't die, but have you ever thought that someone might be half to death?"

Hmm...? Because of the lack of love? Who? Of course, Khun-Yai is out of the question. He is perfect in looks and wealth. If he happens to be into a daughter of some family, they will open their house gate waiting for him to come and propose.

"Khun-Yai," I changed the subject. "I have noticed this for quite some time. You see the watercourse on the riverbank over there, farther down the rain tree?"

He turns his head to where I am pointing, the backyard full of trimmed flowering plants and shrubs. The turf is cut evenly like a velvet carpet. Further away from the dirt ground, the area I am pointing to is the location of the great house. The top balcony sticks out to view the river with a terrace below that is spacious enough to throw a small party. If they add chairs and tables in the backyard, they can hold a bigger party with a lovely atmosphere.

"Um..What about it?" Khun-Yai asks.

"It is on the outside curve of the meander. Have you ever heard the term, 'the deposition and erosion of lands'? It happens when the rivers crash into the banks and gradually erode the earth's soil. Over time, the soil on the outsides of the river bends will be scoured until the lands wear away. On the contrary, the lands on the inside of the river bends are deposited."

I have been trying to find a chance to bring this up for a while. I plan to design row buildings for Khun-Yai, so I need to slowly get information from him in an indirect way about the locations of his properties, the sizes, and whether they adjoin the streets or canals. It will take some time.

However, what I am looking at with my own eyes is the great house, and I remember that after time passes by in my era, the back balcony will not remain like the other parts of the house. It will collapse and have to be rebuilt instead of repaired. Now that I got to see its perfect state, it pains me.

"Where did you learn about this? Who taught you?"

"Oh...Everyone with houses by the rivers knows about this. I mean, those with small pieces of land, who one day realise their house pillars stand close to the banks when they actually built their houses far away from the river. People with large pieces of land may not notice." I lie smoothly, coming prepared

Khun-Yai nods, seemingly swayed. I quickly spit out more information, not giving him breaks. "Speaking as an expert in hydrography, the land over there will be eroded without a doubt. It might not be a problem for you as the Luang's land is vast. A small erosion is no big deal. But, over time, a landslide will occur at the bank and loosen the soil of the surrounding area, which will lead to soil subsidence in the future. The terrace and the top balcony will afterwards be affected."

"An expert in hydrography...?"

"Yes."

"But you couldn't paddle."

I inhale and tsk in annoyance. "They're two different things."

Khun-Yai smiles and stops interrupting. I continue, "You should build a retaining wall."

With that, I grab a wooden board placed next to me and a pencil. I have my own drawing equipment now: A drawing board, pieces of paper, and pencils, all kindly provided by Khun-Lek's command, so I can conveniently satisfy his artistic demands on weekends. With Khun-Lek supporting me this way, no one can oppose it.

"I've seen people build it like this." I sketch deftly. It is a simple retaining wall built with huge rocks and wooden pillars to compact the soil. No advanced technology that will get Khun-Yai suspicious.

"Um, good idea."

"Right? Prevention is better than cure." I mark the details of each material and calculate the spaces. I don't want to sketch roughly and turn this piece of paper into a random drawing. I want it to be decent and practical.

"It sounds good, and your drawing skills are excellent," Khun-Yai compliments.

"Thank you." Let me have this. I am not in the mood to be humble.

"It looks like you studied it."

"Yeah. I graduated from..." I freeze and shut my mouth before I finish the sentence.

We hold each other's gazes. I stammer as Khun-Yai stops writing, his hand hovering in the air. He raises his eyebrow as if pressuring me to complete the sentence. At that second, I choose to reach out slowly and gently place my hand on top of Khun-Yai's.

"Um...Khun-Yai," I say mellowly with a hint of sweetness. "Are you hungry? I saw Pun making Kanom Tian Kaew. They were tiny and looked delicious."

Khun-Yai stares at me in silence, not responding, but both of us know what this is. This is the 'a chicken sees the snake's foot, and a snake sees the chicken's breast situation. It happened before when I tried to expose him about the pocket watch. But I have seen his foot clearly while he has just caught a glimpse of my breast, since he hasn't found out what I am hiding exactly. 

"The scent of the candle smoke reached the little house," I speak in a small voice, trying my best to get myself out of this situation. 

"I think the snack is ready by now."

A faint smile flickers on Khun-Yai's lips. His eyes stare knowingly, sending chills down my spine, then he locks his fingers with mine.

"You are a smart man," Khun-Yai says, his eyes fixed on my face. I shiver when he runs his fingers along the back of my hand and knuckles. "Smart and sly."

I laugh it off. "Well..Not that much."

I pull my hand back slowly, smiling. "I will bring your snack."

Once I have escaped, I let out a sigh...That was close. I must not let my guard down around Khun-Yai. One wrong move and I will be exposed. Oh...Come to think of it, what will happen if I get exposed? If I confessed that I was an architect from the future a hundred years later, how would Khun-Yai and everyone in this place react?

Obviously, the Suanprung Psychiatric Hospital would be my next accommodation. If the hospital hadn't been established in this era, I would be locked up in the basement, my wrists and ankles chained to the poles, in case I went hysterical. Not a lifestyle I prefer. I was unfortunate and got tossed to the past. There is no need to add to my misfortune, and I should live as smoothly and simply as possible. Nonetheless, a simple life is not the option. 

A few days later, Luang Thep Nititham's place is full of lively energy as the big news everyone has been waiting for has been announced. It is the auspicious date of the wedding of the family's daughter. In the next two months, the wedding of Khun-Prim and Khun-Sak, the son of Phra Soradej, will be held.

Excitement and exhilaration fill every inch of the place, including the kitchen and the servants' houses. Erb's and Pun's smile is as wide as a raised plate since they will get to epically show off their dessert-making skills to the guests. There will be Siamese civil servants, northern high-ranking authorities, and influential people in the area since Phra Soradej and Luang Thep Nititham are both men with titles. Tons of people come in and out of the great house each day to prepare for the wedding.

Khun-Yai also gets busier. Though he isn't involved in preparing the clothes and ornaments, he has to welcome the guests volunteering to lend their hands. Today, I spot him getting ready to go outside with Khun-Sak, his brother-in-law. It has nothing to do with the wedding but is more like socialising with people of the same social circle. I saw Khun-Sak in a horse-riding outfit pulling over a garnet red convertible by the great house.

Khun-Sak just came back from abroad. He is not yet familiar with people here, Khun-Yai told me. Today, Khun-Yai wears a white shirt, dark brown breeches, and shiny leather boots, looking like he pops out of a painting. I admire the sight of him. His shoulders and chest are broad. When he is in an attire that fits his body, every angle of his body is stunning.

"Khun-Yai is so handsome," I voice my thought. Khun-Yai smiles sweetly, his eyes curving. "You are complimenting me this early. I guess I will be lucky all day.”

"It's a shame I can't go with you, or else I'll get to see you ride a horse."

Khun-Yai gazes at me quietly, pondering something, but says no more. Despite the lively ambience in the house and people going to and fro preparing the auspicious ceremony, one person doesn't seem excited and even expresses his annoyance. It is Khun-Lek.

"What a hassle. What a fuss. I won't get married. It's boring, right...? Nai-Jom, right?"

He nods to me as he says the last words. I offer a smile and draw a motorboat on a piece of paper as he has asked. It is the weekend. Khun-Lek has completed his homework and ordered a servant to get me to draw pictures for him on the mat under the tropical almond tree at the front of the great house, with snacks and water ready. 

The nursemaid, Prik, sneaks a scowl at Khun-Lek and says. "Khun-Lek complained because Khun-Kae said not to run around making noises when they had guests. It's a wedding, after all. Who would hold it in silence? When it's Khun-Lek's turn to be wedded, I'm afraid we'll be running around making sure everything is perfect. An auspicious ceremony must follow the tradition to perfection. We can't miss a thing, or people will criticise us."

Khun-Lek purses his lips, losing interest in the topic. He looks at my drawing. "Are you missing anything, Nai-Jom?"

I study all sorts of vehicles. I have drawn on a piece of paper for Khun-Lek and can't help thinking that when he grows up, he will either work in the army or become a founder of an automotive manufacturer or an automobile import company. He seems so into it.

"I think I drew everything. Trains, cars, boats, planes."

Khun-Lek gazes at them, deep in thought, his brow slightly knitted together above his button nose. How adorable.

"Should I add more aeroplanes? Like a fleet?" I suggest. "We have three boats in the river."

"Good." Khun-Lek nods in agreement. I draw as he wants. Soon, another three airplanes fly in the sky.

"That's Yai," Khun-Lek chirps, making me look up. "Nai-Jom, let's show Yai the picture."

By the cape leadwort shrubs near the stairs, I spot Khun-Yai talking to a small figure of a slim woman in a dress, not a sinh.

"Please don't disturb Khun-Yai," Prik cautions. "He's discussing something with Khun-Bongkoch. Khun-Kae asked her to arrange the flowers for Khun-Prim's wedding. She said Khun-Bongkoch arranged flowers beautifully. She can even make bouquets in foreign styles."

Prik's admiring voice as she talks about 'Khun-Bongkoch' bugs me, but I resume drawing the fifth aeroplane. Khun-Lek then says, "Did Mother ask her to arrange the flowers or to be her daughter-in-law?"

The tip of my pencil slips as Prik shrieks. "Ugh! Seriously, Khun-Lek, where did you hear that? Khun-Yai will be off abroad in a few months. He won't get married anytime soon."

"Am I not right? Mother is scared to death that Yai will wed a foreign woman. In Prim's wedding, Yai might get to throw a flower garland to select his partner."

Prik giggles, "Men don't throw flower garlands to women. Khun-Yai is as charming as Enau. He is bound to be with Busaba, not Laweng Wanla."

"You've watched too many performances and kept daydreaming," Khun-Lek nags, turning to me. "Have you drawn the aeroplanes?"

"I am," I reply evenly, glancing at where Khun-Yai was just now. I see him heading to the garden with Khun-Bongkoch. My cheerfulness somehow vanishes. I drop my gaze at my drawing, a strange feeling rising in me. It is not an appropriate feeling.

"Khun-Lek, do you know that if we arm the boats," I sketch guns sticking out of the boats, "it will become battle boats? And the planes will become warplanes. Now they can shoot each other."

Khun-Lek's eyes widen with interest. "Will they battle?"

"Do you want them to?" Because I do. "Do you want me to demonstrate?"

"Do it." Khun-Lek nods, approving. I draw a line from a boat to a plane.

"Fire! Boom!" I rub the tip of my pencil, forming entangled lines, over the shot part and shout a sound effect.

"Again?"

Khun-Lek's eyes get wider. He bobs his head.

"Boom! Boom! Get it. Fire!" I go all out. Khun-Lek guffaws when I bomb a plane.

"Let me shoot this time," Khun-Lek says in enthusiasm. Khun-Lek and I scream continuous booms, and, at a split second, the drawing is all blackened by the destructive pencil lines. Prik eyes me in fear. I won't blame her if she tells others I instilled violence in Khun-Lek.

After venting my frustration on Khun-Lek's piece of paper, leave and carry out my daily tasks. To my surprise, this vexation clings to me ceaselessly. Even the trees and grass annoy me.

In the evening, as I deliver some of Khun-Yai's textbooks to Nai-Jun, the Luang's majordomo, for restoration as the spines are broken, I get to see Khun-Yai again. He descends the stairs and walks in my direction. I am reluctant to pretend not to notice him and return to the little house. After a thought, I don't think it is a good idea. Khun-Yai has spotted me anyway.

"Jom, are you here to wait for me?" Khun-Yai flashes a bright smile. His smiley face irritates me even more. "No. I came to deliver something to Nai-Jun."

Thunder roars above our heads. I look up. The sky has been clouded since late afternoon and is now darkened, about to rain at any second. It is the unseasonal rain, as Erb calls it.

"Please wait here. I will run back to bring the umbrella for you," I say. Khun-Yai seizes my upper arm. "By the time you come back, the rain will already fall. Let's run back to the little house together."

Khun-Yai takes off, leaving me no choice but to follow. When we are halfway there, it starts raining cats and dogs. Khun-Yai and I are soaked from head to toe.

"Khun-Yai, please go to the bathroom. I will get a towel for you." I tell him once we have rushed up the stairs and sheltered by the eaves of the little house. The bathroom is situated on the back balcony, where Khun-Yai bathes. The other servants and I clean ourselves in separate bathrooms or in the river.

Thunder rumbles, followed by lightning and a loud clap of thunder. I jump, startled

"Are you scared, Poh-Jom?" Khun-Yai asks with a laugh.

"I'm not. Just a bit startled. It was thunderous." I frown...Good grief. I was putting on a sour face. It was all ruined.

Khun-Yai smiles before stepping closer to me. So close that if I lean forward, I can rest my head on his shoulder. I glance up at him in puzzlement. Khun-Yai looks at me, his fair, flawless face wetted by the rain, dark locks of hair sticking to his forehead above the raven eyes as deep as the sea of emotions. Khun-Yai lifts his hand and tucks the lock of damp hair on my cheek behind my ear. 

"Good spirit... do not burn. Good spirit, do return to Poh-Jomkwan."

I go rigid, unable to avert my eyes from his face as if enchanted. His big hand slides from my shoulder to my back, and he pulls me into his embrace. I am stunned.

My heart pounds in my chest against the sound. What Khun-Yai does is the act of comforting a shocked child, whether he does it purposely to tease me or to actually comfort me. Regardless, since I am an adult and Khun-Yai has the body of a grown man, this hug, to me, can't be defined as child-comforting, like a distance between Earth and Mars.

"Your heart is beating so fast," Khun-Yai whispers.

Even if he didn't say it, I would have known he could feel it. Why wouldn't he? Our skin is pressed against each other. The soaked shirts do nothing to block our contact. My chest touches his, my cheek resting on his shoulder.

"Khun-Yai, I'm not startled anymore," I force the words out, my voice hoarse in fluster. I push him gently with my palms. Khun-Yai doesn't resist, releasing me. Now I am the one regretting it. I stare at his chest, revealed vaguely under the wet white shirt. It is so provocative that my mind is in disorder, and I want to bury myself in it again. This is bad...This is the worst.

I hold my breath and force myself to say, "I will fetch a towel and clothes for you." Not waiting for the answer, I dart through the entrance of the hall, leaving trickles of water on the plank floor after my footsteps. I leave them just like that. I can clean the wet floor, but my feelings at the moment are frightening and dangerous and need to be dealt with immediately.

A while later, the rain stops. There is only the sound of pitter-pattering from the droplets of water falling from the eaves to the balcony. The weather is pleasant and cool, making me want to lie in bed and have a good dream.

I stand by the window in Khun-Yai's bedroom and draw the curtain close. We both have both changed our clothes and are getting ready to go to bed.

"Do you want me to let down the curtains right now?" I ask without meeting his eyes, kneeling on the floor. The bizarre feeling still smoulders in my chest. It is not irritation like in the afternoon, but an unsettlingly deep emotion.

"Not now. Won't you roll out your mattress?" he asks, since I am not spreading my mattress beside his bed as usual.

"I don't feel very well, a bit under the weather," I mutter. "Would you allow me to sleep in my room tonight? If I have a fever, you might catch it."

He stays silent for a moment. I squeeze my folded hands on my lap, begging him in my mind to let me go. And he lets me go as I have prayed. I thank him and leave right away, afraid he will change his mind.

Once I am in my room, I slump on the floor and lean on the wall, out of energy, my arms dropping by my sides, my eyes gazing out the window. How did it come to this? How could I let my heart be out of control like that? I rest my head on the wooden

wall between my room and Khun-Yai's. The light from the lantern glows warmly while my chest burns. There is a clattering sound from the other side of the wall. Khun-Yai might be sitting on his bed and reading or doing something else.

I take a deep breath. The image of Khun-Yai shapes in my mind, vivid as if he is standing right in front of me. I think of his fair, flawless face, his flirtatious smile, and his affectionate gaze always fixed on me. I think of his warm hand touching my shoulder, my back, brushing my cheek. My chest feels hot. The desire has suppressed oozes out and spreads all over every inch of my skin.

My eyes shut as I reach down to the edge of my pants and slip my hand inside to touch the excited thing under the fabric. My breath is ragged from the sensation. My palm wraps around my hard part and slides up and down rhythmically. For a second, I am ashamed to think of him while doing this, yet I can't stop myself. The desire triggered by his supposedly unintentional closeness stirs me up so badly that I can't hold it. I think of his wet lips, his firm chest under the soaked shirt, and his warm breath on my neck.

I move my hand faster, speeding up impatiently, hearing myself softly moan as I am almost there. I tense up as elation rushes in, releasing the hotness all over my palm. 

The sound of falling droplets on the balcony has stopped, leaving only the refreshing coolness and the smell of grass after the rain in the air. I breathe out weakly in exhaustion, hoping Khun-Yai will never find out what I have done...