I Feel You Linger In The Air

Chapter 11 - Return Love to the Wind

"O..Ai-Kumsan," I call his name in this lifetime, my eyes glued to his face.

"You remember me." Ohm tries to smile, but his lips are chapped, and his eyes are full of despair. His smile is bitter and void of happiness. His words make my chest feel heavy. He has no idea that no matter how hard I try to forget, it is never easy.

"Are you serving here now?" he asks. I stand up and move closer to him.

"Right. I got kicked out because I was accused of being bribed to be a lookout for Fongkaew to run away with her lover the night you came to see her. The bracelet Fongkaew meant to return to you was the evidence of the accusation."

Ohm swallows, his eyes downcast in guilt. I look at him quietly. Part of me wishes to rub salt in his wound, yet another part of me knows I would regret it if I did that. After a moment, he raises his eyes. "I am sorry."

There is this weird lump in my chest. His countenance possesses the attractiveness of the Ohm I knew, but the roughness and misery have eroded him to the point that he has lost the splendour I was familiar with. I heave a sigh. "Never mind. It's all in the past. I'm serving here now."

Ohm pauses and speaks in a soft voice, "How is Fongkaew right now? Do you know?"

"Why are you asking me?" My voice sharpens. "I got kicked out. Do you want me to show my face there just to be chased away like pigs and dogs one more time?"

Ohm's face falls. "I don't know whom to ask."

His expression and words evaporate my resentment. I shake my head. "I don't know either. Ever since I left, I haven't spoken with anyone in that place."

Ohm's shoulders droop in melancholy. Looking at his sorrowful disposition, I feel a sting in my heart. Not because he doesn't love me, but because he was once the person I cared about deeply.

"How about this?" I say, finally, "Tomorrow, I will paddle to the dock of that place. I might get to ask someone how she is."

Ohm's face lightens up instantly. Before I know it, he rushes forward and holds my hands. "Thank you so much...Jom. Thank you so much."

My eyes land on my hands in his big, rough palms. Some feeling assembles in my chest, and my voice comes out colder than I thought.

"Have you forgotten? However, if Fongkaew is doing well, there is no hope for you to be with her. That night, I was waiting for you to deliver her message that she wanted to cut ties with you."

Pain reflects in his eyes again. He nods without a word. I withdraw my hands from his. "The day after tomorrow in the evening, wait for me here. If I have any news, I'll let you know then."

Ohm agrees, his eyes showing gratitude, then he paddles away in silence. Once Ohm is gone, I sit and sigh in the pavilion. My drawing is on the table. Eyes on the flowing river, I stroke my chest gently. I hate the way I am feeling right now. It is not sadness, but something is. Sadness with no tears.

Apparently, Khun-Yai has some business outside the whole afternoon. He says he is going to the club, and I ask nothing more. The boss's businesses are unquestionable, not something a mere servant should pry. Plus, my mind still fixates on the incident at the riverbank today.

Khun-Yai arrives home in the evening. He steps from the balcony and into the hall, floored with large polished teak in his white tennis uniform. His small towel is soaked in sweat.

"Why don't you rest for a bit before bathing?" I take the towel from his hand.

Khun-Yai smiles at me and sits at the pearl-embellished wooden table. On top of it is a pitcher of jasmine- infused water I have prepared, set beside a clear-cut glass.

"It seems our house will hold an auspicious ceremony soon, Poh-Jom," Khun-Yai says.

"Hmm..? What ceremony? Don't tell me you're getting married."

"I am not." Khun-Yai's voice is a mix of amusement and sternness. "It is Prim, my sister. Did you see the guest in the afternoon?"

"I didn't. I was waiting for you at the pavilion."

"Phra Soradej took his son, who has recently graduated from Germany, to meet my father. His name is Sak. But I suppose their true intention was to have a marriage meeting with Prim. If Prim doesn't oppose it, the elders from both sides will be pleased."

A marriage meeting. Sounds super outdated. If this happened in my era, the children would kick a freaking big fuss. In this era, on the other hand, it is normal for parents to select suitable partners for their children. I can't help feeling happy for them. 

"This is good news."

"I hope the auspicious date will be earlier than my departure to England."

"When are you leaving?"

"In three months."

"In three months. How fast?" My heart sinks. 

I don't know if it is because he will be far away or for some other reason.

"Your face glooms. Are you afraid you will be lonely?"

"No," I reply, catch myself, and answer again in a meek voice, "A little."

Khun-Yai cracks a faint smile; his voice and lingering eyes are gentle. "I will be away for only a few years. Wait for me here."

"Ah, I don't know," I stumble. Although I appreciate his kindness, I can't promise that. Khun-Yai will be gone for years. What if the passage in time opens during those years? What will I do? Will I have the right to choose whether to step in there or back away? Will I be able to resist the force?

"Where will you be, Poh-Jom?" Khun-Yai turns around upon hearing my answer.

"Well...n San Kham Paeng. My home is there," I just lie.

"I don't allow you," Khun-Yai says gently, but there is a firmness in his voice.

"Hmm..?" I am stupefied. "I'll just be visiting my relatives and acquaintances over there."

"I don't want you to visit them."

"Huh..?" I am shocked again.

"If you run away and never come back, who will be my majordomo?"

I can't help smiling. "Oh..Khun-Yai, you can find a new majordomo. It shouldn't be hard to replace me with someone. There are countless literate people out there."

"I will not find someone new."

Whoa...How stubborn. When he acts this way, I am at a loss. If he is keen on something, he never yields.

"What if." I gulp, deciding to feel him out. "What if I really need to leave because I have no choice, as it is fated? I mean, what if I have to be somewhere so far away and don't know if I will ever come back?"

"Where is that place?"

I meet his eyes, my fists clenched on my lap. I wish I could bear my heart to him. 

"What if it's a city in a different world, a world taking place in a different era from this? What if I am from that place and have to go back, and we will never see each other again?" This time, he spins and faces me. 

"What are you talking about?" His knitted dark eyebrows and his gaze snap me back to reality. Quickly, I say, "Khun-Yai, it was just my imagination. I was joking."

"Do not joke like this. I don't like it." His voice unmistakably darkens. I plaster a sheepish smile and promise weakly. "Okay, I won't do it again."

At night, I carry my pillow and blanket to sleep next to Khun-Yai's bed as promised. He watches me spread the mattress and place my pillow from his bed. He acts calm, but his sparkly eyes reveal how entertained he is to see me having no options but to obey his command.

"Scratch my back as you promised," he reminds me.

"Yeah," I draw out my voice, secretly rolling my eyes.

A moment later, Khun-Yai lies on his side, waiting for me to serve him. I kneel on the plank floor beside his bed and say, "Could you move closer to the edge? If you lie in the middle of the bed, I can't reach."

"Get on the bed, then," he says.

"I don't think it's a good idea. I'm a servant. If I roll around on my boss's bed, I will be chastised if found out."

"Who would find out? It is uncomfortable to scratch my back on the floor. You will get tired in no time. Just sit on my bed with me. It will not be tiring, and you can scratch my back for a long time this way."

With such a weighty reason, how can I argue? I mumble an apology and sit on the bed next to him. Khun-Yai watches in satisfaction, his eyes clear, gleaming, and quite affectionate.

"If you turn this way, I can't scratch your back," I say.

"You're right."

And so, he flips to the other side, his back facing me. I exhale a soft sigh. Ha...He was acting like an adult this evening, scolding... and scolding me until I slouched. Now he acts like a child.

"Excuse me," I say. I lift his shirt halfway up and start scratching his back.

I am the master of back-scratching. Khun-Yai even moans in his throat with pleasure when I scratch the right spots. Everybody knows that even if your back doesn't itch, having someone scratch your back is so pleasant that your back will feel itchy all over. As my hand moves, I think of my conversation with Khun-Yai this evening.

In three months, Khun-Yai will be studying in England and will probably stay there for years. My mind wanders to the historic event that will happen in the future from now. I am in B.E. 2471, which means, in the next four years, the absolute monarchy will be deposed and replaced by democracy. It means, during the next four years, Luang Thep Nititham, Khun-Yai's father, will climb the ranks and eventually be titled a Phraya. 

My assumption is based on what I heard from my senior in the office when I was assigned to renovate this place. He said the owner was a Phraya. Nevertheless, after the democratisation, all ranks and titles will be frozen. The Khuns, Luangs, Phras, and Phrayas will remain in their positions with no promotion. The titles will simply become names. They will continue doing their duties until the official abolition of ranks and titles in the Eighth Reign.

I think of the word "to balance out, caused by the equilibrium. It means dismissal from the Civil Service due to the economic crisis at that time. Numerous civil servants will be stripped of their positions and become powerless. Tons of them will have to sell their possessions to feed themselves. On the contrary, the commoners will earn significant ranks in their cities. There will no longer be privileges for children of the high-ranking authorities as before.

It is one of the consequences of democratisation. From then on until World War II, the dark time will ensue. It will be a period of impoverishment and depression for millions. Yet, there will be opportunities for some people to take advantage of the situation and become millionaires. It is the era sarcastically called, 'The good hide in the alleys, the bad roam the streets.' Worried by the thought, I ask a question.

"Khun-Yai, since your family moved from Bangkok, it means the Luang has houses and properties in the province, doesn't he?"

"The province?" Khun-Yai turns his head.

I shut my mouth once in aggravation. Bangkok in this era is probably referred to as the Bangkok Region and the Capital. 

"Sorry. It was a mistake. What I mean is, did your family move from the Capital?"

Khun-Yai eyes me with mild suspicion but still answers, "Yes. My father owns plenty of land in the Capital. My mother also has hundreds of lands in Thonburi and Nakhon Pathom. My grandfather transferred the ownership of the properties to her before she was born. Why do you ask?"

Oh...So, his parents have always been well-off. I take a deep breath and speak in all seriousness.

"Keep the lands safe. If not necessary, don't ever sell them. The prices of land in Thonburi will be higher than gold in a short time. Capitalise the farms and paddy fields. If you don't gain much profit from renting them out, take care of them yourself. Hire workers and manage your own lands. As for the properties in the Capital, I hope you protect them with your life. Build residences or row houses for rent and collect the monthly rental fees. You will make more money than the salary of a civil servant."

I have thought it out with ambition. No matter what, I will not let Khun-Yai become a nobleman turning poor. He must have a business with a stable monthly income, not only a salary from any title. The row houses and everything will be designed in advance by me. I will do it for free, not charging a single coin.

I am so engrossed in my plan that I don't notice Khun-Yai turning around and smiling.

"Do you know what you sound like?"

Seeing his weird, playful gaze, I ask right away, "What do I sound like?"

"You sound like a wife concerned about her husband's possessions, worried about how to gain profit from them," he stresses every word loud and clear.

"Khun-Yai!!!" I exclaim in shock, eyes widening.

"Yeah...?"

Uggggggh.

"Don't speak in such a sweet voice." My head hurts as if I have a migraine, but a contented grin paints Khun-Yai's face. 

"Please don't say that. It's inappropriate. Besides, I'm a man. I can't be a wife."

"What is appropriate, then? Should I ask for your parents' blessings to have their son manage my possessions for the rest of my life?"

"Khun-Yai, I'm begging you. Don't joke like this. I'm going to have a heart attack." My heart is fragile. "Please turn around so I can scratch your back."

Seeing my serious expression, he relents and turns around, not forgetting to throw one last playfully flirtatious glance at me. I inhale and claw his back in annoyance.

"Ohh...Poh-Jom, if you scratch that harshly, my back will break," Khun-Yai groans.

The next day, Khun-Yai tells me he will be attending a welcome party for Khun-Sak at Phra Soradej's place in the evening. The whole family will be there. It means the marriage meeting yesterday was a success. They will find an auspicious date soon, as Khun-Yai has said, I suppose.

I use the chance when the family leaves for the party in the evening, and the servants split up to have meals and bathe before going to bed, to execute my plan. I paddle along the river to Mr Robert's place. I have asked for Khun-Yai's permission to visit an old friend there.

I stoop a little when the wind blows the fallen leaves into the river. Tonight will be more frigid than yesterday since this kind of wind whips when there is a storm. I usher the boat to the dock at the side of Mr Robert's male servants' row houses and spot several of them scrubbing away the dead skin from all the work, unbothered by the

coldness.

"Ming," I call, catching him in the group. Ming hears my voice, and when he sees me, he swims over immediately.

"Ai-Jom!" He hollers in rejoicing when he reaches me and grabs the rim of my boat. 

"Are you really Ai-Jom?"

"Of course, I am. Who did you think it would be?" I beam. He sweeps his eyes over me and grins, showing his white teeth. "I thought a female performer got lost here.

Your face is white as a boiled egg."

His words crack me up. I know he is just teasing me. "I am serving at Luang Thep Nititham's place, not performing anywhere."

Ming nods. "I heard." After catching up with Ming, not forgetting to ask about the lady boss Ueang Phueng, in which he says her belly grows bigger every day and is basically wrapped in cotton wool by everyone in the house, I get to the point.

"What about Fongkaew? How is she? Is she comfortable?" I speak in both central and northern dialects when I catch myself.

"Whoa.." Ming waves his hand. "Don't worry. Who would be as blessed as E-Fongkaew? The foreign boss gifted her gold ornaments to wear all over her body. Her mother boasted at the markets that her daughter had a good life."

Ming lowers his voice, afraid someone will overhear him. "I heard the female servants gossiping that Fongkaew has been throwing up for days. The foreign boss might have another baby."

My heart drops, thinking of Ohm's expression when I deliver the news. "For real?"

"I don't know."

I chat with Ming a bit more before deciding to head back because the wind gets stronger, and Ming seems really cold. I paddle back to the dock of the Luangs' place and halt when I see a shadowy figure on the boat by the riverbank near the waterfront pavilion. He cranes his neck towards the house as if waiting for someone. Before I can ask anything, he starts.

"Jom..."

It is a voice I remember so well that it belongs to Ohm before he even raises the lantern to show his face. He must be awfully anxious to look for me when we have agreed to meet up tomorrow. I moor my boat and get on the bank. Ohm follows when I allow him to get up here. No one will be out here at this time of day.

As I expected, the colour drains from his face after he has learned about Fongkaew from me. "Fongkaew is pregnant." He repeats in a daze, looking like his heart has just been ripped off.

"Give up, Ai-Kumsan. See it as you're not fated to be together," I say.

Ohm doesn't respond. He stands still, his head slightly tipping down, his eyes casting on the grass. He is quiet for so long that I feel uneasy.

"Jom." He grabs my upper arms. The tight grip makes me wince. "I love Fongkaew. I love her to the point that even if you tell me to give up, I can't."

I get even more shocked when clear drops of tears brim in his eyes and trickle down his tanned face.

"Ohm..Ai-Kumsan," I call, at a loss. The sight of Ohm crying is absolutely unfamiliar to me.

"I know Fongkaew doesn't want me to associate with her anymore. How blessed she is to be taken by the foreign boss. But I really love her. Even if I drop dead right here, I will love her still. Even if she loves me no more and has given her heart to another man, as you said she wrote in the small letter."

My heart sinks. It is not true. Fongkaew did ask me to pass over the breakup letter to Ohm along with the bracelet, but it was all a lie that hurt Fongkaew the most.

I look at Ohm's face and his manly tears dripping down from the pain of love he has for someone that is not me. At that moment, I realise the truth in my heart more clearly than any day ever since I got thrown back to the past.

"Ai-Kumsan, listen," I say in a gentle yet clear voice with a central dialect, to tell this to him and me. "The letter was a lie. It's not true that she doesn't love you anymore. The situation had her hands tied, and she had to do things against her will. There is no use fighting a hopeless fight against such power. You might never be together, but Fongkaew's heart, I believe, is yours and never will be anyone else's."

Ohm's knees buckle. His shoulders tremble as the sobs escape his throat. "If you stay true and continue to love her, I will not judge whether it is right or wrong. But please, don't cause her trouble. Even though you two are unfortunate and fated to be apart in this lifetime, trust me that Fongkaew and Ai-Kumsan will be together in the next lives."

When I say the last sentence, my voice shivers uncontrollably. Ohm looks up at me, his face damp with tears.

"Jom, Thank you so much. I don't know how to repay your compassion and kindness."

I swallow the peculiar bitterness down my throat. "You have repaid me. You just don't know it."

I utter those words as it is the truth. He has no idea that around a hundred years later, he will repay me more than I deserve. He will be close to me, care about me, and shower me with love. Even if it will last only a certain period of time before he hurts me greatly by breaking my heart, his feelings for me before then will be real, the kind of realness that can never be faked.

I walk back to the little house in a daze, bringing a Lantom back unconsciously. I put it next to my pillow and try to finish my tasks as I have done every day. Khun-Yai comes back a while later. He bathes and changes into nightclothes before sitting on his bed and looking at me. After a brief moment, he can tell that I have something in mind.

"You look truly sad today, Poh-Jom. Your expression is that of a heartbroken man. What ails you?"

"Nothing. I'm just a bit tired." I shake my head, forcing a stiff smile.

"Are you thinking of your old lover? Did that person hurt your heart?"

"It's not like that, Khun-Yai. I'm thinking about my work tomorrow. I want to cut the branches of the orange jasmine tree. It has grown so tall that its branches stick over the stairs." I pretend to arrange my perfectly organised mattress. "Do you want me to scratch your back like yesterday?"

"Not today," Khun-Yai says gently. "You're tired, so go to sleep. It's windy tonight. Use two blankets."

I thank him for his kindness. Had it been any other day, I would have refused. I wouldn't have accepted a blanket from my boss. But tonight, my heart feels oddly weak. Though it is just a blanket, I want to hold on to it and rely on its warmth.

I lie on my side with my back turned to Khun-Yai in the constant sound of the wind gushing through leaves outside. Ohm and I are over for real. The only thing lingering is the attachment to the person I used to be in a relationship with. Our bond was woven by threads of our feelings for each other, little by little, day after day, until it became love. And now, it hasn't yet been torn apart because I don't hate him. Still, it has ceased to be woven further.

I don't hate Ohm, but I also don't love him as before. More importantly, I wish to have no future with him. Despite the hollow in my heart at this moment, I know that when I think of Ohm one day, I will not feel sad or angry. I will feel calmness and peace, like clear, cold water with no murkiness deep under. It will be a sort of recalling, a memory of us once being in love.

As I lie there with my eyes open, unable to sleep, I hear Khun-Yai speak in the dark.

"Forget that person...Poh-Jom." His voice is low and gentle, as if he reached out to embrace me with words. A speck of warmth blooms in my chest and spreads all over.

Amid the whistling of the wind and the cracking of branches rubbing against each other that sends leaves falling, I hear myself answer.

"Yes...Khun-Yai."