HEMP ROPE

Moving forward.

 

The room fell into an uncomfortable silence, like the bottom of a cold pool. The soft bed wasn't as warm as usual. Win kept his eyes on Team face, soaked with unshed tears. Team's eyes never left the picture frame in his hand, his fingers stroking the face of his brother, who never faded away from his memory.

 

"By the time he was taken to the hospital, it was too late."

His kindest brother.

 

"The pool service technician saved us. He said I was on the pool steps, but my brother was at the bottom of the pool." The young man dried his stinging tears, breathing for the strength to carry on. "From the CCTV footage, I saw my brother reach the edge of the pool, but he came back for me. 

 

We were just ten and twelve. He pulled me up to the surface, got me to the steps before his strength gave out and drowned." The more he talked, the more the damn tears streamed down his face. Team lifted his face, somehow hoping it'd reverse the tears.

 

"I've always thought, Hia. The one who should've died was me, not my brother."

 

"Team!!" Win's brow furrowed deeper. He cupped the tear-streaked face. "Don't say that. No one deserves to die."

 

"But I was an idiot and stubborn. If I listened to him from the start, he'd have" Team felt like his head was going to explode from crying. His exhausted body yielded to Win's pull; he found himself leaning on the broad shoulders again.

 

"We can't fix the past", Phawin stroked the trembling back, giving it a light pat like consoling a frantic child. "But we can do the best from where we are now." He kissed Team's temple.

 

"Mhm..."

"You can't sleep before the competition because of this?"

 

Team nodded with a muffled response. "It reminds me of my racing with him and the drowning." For swimmer athletes, this was the biggest issue. "It took me a year before I could return to the pool." His symptoms during that time prevented him from participating in the youth competition and other programs. 

 

The sight of the pool alone frightened him to the core. Win frowned harder. As far as he knew, he had never seen Team shudder at the sight of a pool. "Are you still scared of the pool?"

 

"Not anymore." Phawin sighed in relief. He pushed a hair covering Team's face.

"You made a promise to your brother, didn't you? You'd become a top coach."

 

Team nodded once again.

 

"You're keeping that promise, am I right?" Win leaned his forehead against Team's.

 

Despite the fear, Team had exceeded his training limit. Repressing his fear to reach his dream. How many times had he loathed himself, swallowing his tears in an attempt to forget what he feared most?

 

"Good boy. You did very well." His gentle voice overlapped with someone's.

"You'll be a good coach, Team."

 

"Team will be a coach. And I'll be a national athlete!!"

 

"Mhm..." Team held back another wave of tears. Crying this time felt like an accumulation of all his past crying. Phawin grabbed a tissue and helped clean Team's face.

 

"Have you seen the doctor?" Team shook his head. "No."

 

"Have you ever told anyone about this?"

 

Phawin found this appalling. For an athlete, lack of sleep is way too dangerous to their body. They could have drowned...like the last time. Team stuttered; he never mentioned this to anyone, even his family.

 

"No, no. Oh, Hia, don't pull my cheeks." Win fumed. The kid kept this risky behaviour away from everyone.

 

"You should have!! At least, tell me! And you even dare to sneak into the pool and train alone, almost drowning. How could you!? How!?"

 

"I'm sorryyy." Team pulled Win's hands off his sore cheeks.

 

"I'm scared. I could be disqualified from competing."

 

"It gets to this point. Why don't you see a doctor?" Win changed to knead Team's red cheek to ease his aching.

 

"I don't know what to say. I told my teacher when I was a kid; he told me I was just in shock and it'd get better soon." Yet no matter how time passed, his condition just worsened.

 

Phawin tsked. People in the past knew nothing about emotional wounds. No wonder they told Team like that when Team talked to the adults. Even up until these days, some people still mistake seeing a psychiatrist for a treatment for lunatics.

 

"I'll take you."

 

"Eh?"

 

"I'll take you to a doctor. We'll go together." Win held Team's hands tight.

 

"Seeing a psychiatrist these days is normal. If you don't know what to say, then disclose everything, like how you did with me."

 

"Do you think it's ok, Hia?" He was scared. What if it didn't turn out fine? What if he couldn't keep being an athlete?

 

"It's okay." Win gave him a faint smile. "I'm right here, always by your side." He gave Team a light kiss.

 

"Remember... I'm your safe zone."

 

No matter what happened, Team just had to look over his shoulder. Win would be there to be his strength for Team to reach his goal. For his dream to come true.

 

The cafeteria at noon was crowded with students. Phawin held a plate of food, looking for his faculty friends who were going ahead to grab a seat.

 

"Win, this way!" His friends waved to him. Luckily, they got a big table for all of them.

 

"Omelette again? Are you lacking protein from eggs these days?"

 

Win saw Dean's outstanding dish once he reached the table. He had no idea why Dean liked Omelette so much lately. Some days, it was minced pork omelette; some days, it was seafood; and some days, it had other toppings. He'd still have a plain omelette if he were at the end of his wits. Upon a dagger glare from Dean, Phawin laughed at getting on his friend's nerves.

 

"Aren't you a sadist, liking Dean telling you off?" A friend next to him said in good humour.

 

"Well, this guy's got a poker face. I need to grate his nerves so his face can move some muscles."

 

All of them laughed. They were all used to Dean's silence, so it was Win, the talkative one, who got Dean to break his silence. They had no idea how these two had become friends since they were young.

 

"Oh, so how's it going with Nong Pharm?"

 

"Good." Dean clipped his response like he always did.

 

"Is that right? Good, there's even a ring." Win teased. The day Pharm wore that ring, Team panicked and texted him about it. He had to bring it up. "Are you guys engaged?"

 

"Oh, whoa! What?" Everyone lost their focus on food and turned to Dean. "You gave him an engagement ring?" Dean shrugged, leaving it as that. The ring he gave Pharm was a family name ring, but he planned to propose to Pharm with it.

 

"Take it how you want."

 

A whistle and cheering were loud. They were all third-year students getting by and having fun with their lives. Some of them were in a relationship, but they were far from their minds. They admired Dean for planning that far ahead.

 

"Hey, is same-sex marriage allowed in our country?" One of them raised the issue. They were clueless about current affairs concerning LGBTQ+ since it was beyond them.

 

"I have heard the news. Was it...the Civil Partnership Act?"

"Oh, yes."

 

"So you guys can get married."

 

Phawin sighed in dullness. "Not yet."

 

"Oh, why?"

 

Win placed his chin on his palm, explaining to his friends. "The civil partnership is alright, but it's not that good. What people want is marriage equality."

 

"Oh, aren't they the same thing?" He understood that they were the same all along. One of them looked it up via their cellphone. They had heard of the act but never looked into the details.

 

"..Aren't the two acts similar?" The more they looked it up, the more confused they were. Dean, who had been listening, shook his head.

 

"What we want is 'equality', not 'something close to it'. 

 

His friend frowned. "I'm not following? Isn't close good enough?"

 

For him, it was better to have something than nothing at all. A crooked smile tugged Phawin's lips. It was understandable that his friends weren't following, as a lot of people weren't. "Say, suppose one day your girlfriend is seriously ill. She needs an urgent surgery. But the doctor won't allow you to sign a treatment consent, how'd you feel?"

 

"Oh, how come? How can I not be allowed if that's my girlfriend?"

 

"And suppose your girlfriend dies, you're not allowed to claim her body from the hospital. How'd you feel?"

 

Most of them exclaimed, "What? That's bullshit!"

 

"That's the Civil Partnership Act" Phawin bent down to drink from a cup. "There are many more things, unlike marriage equality. As Dean said, what we want is 'equality, not 'something close to it."

 

"This won't do. I have to sign a petition supporting marriage equality."

 

"Me too. My friend Dean must get married."

 

"Fuck," Dean nearly choked on his rice.

 

A smile spread across Phawin's features. The friends surrounding him were very accepting. On seeing each of them team up to sign their names in support online, Win saw a small wave of change. Someday, those small waves would accumulate into a big wave of change, pushing society forward. Until then, marriage equality wouldn't be a far-fetched dream.

 

"We'll go ahead."

 

"Ok, I'll catch up after." Phawin waved his friends away. He still had some time during lunch break to talk to Dean before heading to his class. Dean narrowed his eyes at his best friend. From the look of it, it couldn't be anything else except Team….or not. 

 

"You're going to marry Pharm in Thailand?"

 

"And how's that your business?"

 

"No, but I wanna know." Phawin laughed, liking the reaction. He propped himself up with one elbow, giving Dean expectant, sparkling eyes. 

 

The Swimming Club President wanted to kick his friend into a pool. Oh yes, he'd do that.

 

"The States." Win arched his brow. "The States?"

 

"I think it would be better to register there."

 

"True that. But can you do that without American citizenship?"

 

Phawin was uncertain about the law there.

 

"Pharm has American citizenship."

 

"What!" Wait, he never knew this. He just knew Pharm's family had a restaurant business in the States.

 

"His mother is also American. He grew up there, and later came to Thailand. There shouldn't be a problem concerning laws."

 

"Whoa. Then I have to get ready to be a groom's friend. Ow!" An ice cube smacked right in the middle of his forehead. Phawin quickly raised a hand towards his friend.

 

"Fuck Dean, stop."

 

"Don't be subtle. What's on your mind? Spill it, or we won't have time before class."

 

Phawin cleared his throat, changing to serious mode. "I want to ask you about a doctor."

 

"A doctor?"

 

"Yeah, I recall you once looked up a psychiatrist to help treat Pharm with his phonophobia."

 

He waited until Dean nodded before he continued, "I'd like some information from you. I've looked up some, but more information would be helpful."

 

"..You're looking this up for Team?"

 

"..Mhm."

 

"I'll send the details via LINE." Dean picked up his cellphone, scrolled through it, and sent the details to his friend without further questions. As the president of the swimming club, he thought he had to consider himself for not knowing what was wrong with Team.

 

"Thanks."

 

"So how's it going with you and him now?" This time, Dean shot a question.

 

"What of us?" Win mocked by raising an eyebrow. Dean kicked him in the shin out of annoyance.

 

"Ouch!"

 

"Stop getting on my nerves."

 

"Fuck, that hurts." Phawin bent down and rubbed his leg. "We're together now."

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Are you serious?"

 

"I don't know what the future will hold. But now I'm really serious." The greyish-green eyes narrowed at his best friend, and he sighed softly.

 

"Don't go back on your words."

 

"Certainly."

 

Win raised a fist and they fist-bumped. Win suddenly pulled at Dean's arm to lever himself up from the bench and ran to his class before getting smacked by his friend. 

 

He might not have thought so far ahead to marriage like Dean, but he surely was confident to be the best version of himself for Team. He'd let the future be as it should be.

 

Team checked a medicine packet in his backpack, thinking about whether he'd taken them as prescribed. Weeks ago, Win brought him to a psychiatrist to consult about his panic attacks and insomnia. He was uncomfortable having to recount his personal life to a stranger. But once he gave it a go, he found it wasn't that difficult. 

 

He found the right doctor after switching doctors three times. He didn't dare switch doctors at first, but Win made sure he could feel comfortable recounting everything about his condition to a doctor. His treatment ranged from medication to consulting, helping him to sleep better, even though he himself thought he was getting lazier. One thing he learned was that many of his friends, even Pharm, were getting treated by a psychiatrist. It was nothing uncommon.

 

"You look well these days, and you're spending more time swimming. So, what's the trick?" A asked Team, opening a locker door next to him and changing. "Your face looks lively."

 

Team swatted a hand that attempted to reach his cheek. "I just have enough sleep and eat well." Plus, some activities on the bed with Win sometimes. "But I always see you eat well." A laughed, "Good for you. Back then, you were so gloomy, I thought you were cursed. Oh, Team."

 

"What?"

 

"Are there lots of mosquitoes in your room? I can recommend some mosquito repellent." Team looked alarmed. "What the hell, mosquito?"

 

"Here, from your shoulder to your shoulder blade, there are two or three marks. You must have scratched them so hard; they're so red. You got one on your waist, too. Oh, I feel itchy seeing these." A made a scratching gesture.

 

Team quickly shoved his shirt on, hiding those marks. Now he knew what A was talking about. It had been days since the bite, but the marks didn't fade. He thought he was careful. But who'd have thought Win left a mark where he couldn't see!!

 

"What are you guys so itchy about?" Bubble Bee asked after he finished changing and was ready to go home.

 

"It's Team; he got red marks all over him. Mosquitoes in his room must be aggressive."

 

Bee blinked, looking from one friend to another. Team kept his face neutral while he kept his things in the locker, but his two red ears said it all.

 

"Oh, fierce mosquitoes...would you like some ointment, Team?" Team slammed the locker door shut.

 

"No!" Team wanted to roll his eyes. While A was too naive, Team should have smacked some sense into his skull; B was really bugging him.

 

Team put his backpack on. When he saw Sea coming in, he quickly waved goodbye to his friends. Staying any longer would only result in more talk about him. A waved in response before his eyes shot wide, seeing Team walk to the club vice president, and they left the club together. Team's yelling mixed with Win's laughter made A smile. It looked like everything went well.

 

"Phew."

 

"What now?" Sea glanced at A, he'd been waiting for this guy to change for fifteen minutes now. A shook his head. "Love is great, do you think so?"

 

A and Sea exchanged a glance at each other in resignation at how A acted like a know-it-all. He seemed to be delirious. B slyly clicked his tongue and asked his lingering friend. 

 

"Do you want some?"

 

"Huh, want what?" A blinked at his friend.

 

"Love," Sea answered. A looked confused and laughed lightly. He made haste, changed, closed his locker door and picked up his bag. Love...?

 

"Yeah, well, I'll think about it" Maybe love wasn't just about two people...

 

The room on the ninth floor of the dormitory opened a door to a visitor from the tenth floor. The visitor placed supermarket-bought food on a desk, busy handling it on plates and in the fridge, while the occupant just moseyed and threw his bag on a reading desk.

 

After weeks of hard training, Team knew his body was ready for the competition. The improving results made him grin from ear to ear, especially in English class.

 

"Ah."

 

The young man fished out a paper from his bag, handed it to Phawin, and placed their food on the desk. He took the paper afterwards and smiled at the number on it.

 

"Hey, this's a good score."

 

From a person who couldn't even answer a simple English question, he could now answer 70% of quizzes correctly. Team puffed his chest up. "Of course, who do you think I am?" Win rolled his eyes and then pointed to himself.

 

"It's all about me, the tutor. What amount of effort do you think it must have taken to push you this far?"

 

To summarise everything for easy understanding, from teaching grammar to vocabulary. And at times, he wanted to pry Team's brain open from the infuriation that Team couldn't remember things he had learned. A young boy raised his hands to wave over his head.

 

"Because of you, Hia. I'm very grateful, so where's the reward?"

 

After waiting, his hand turned palm up; his face innocent. Win always gave him a small reward every time he got a good score.

 

"Geez", Phawin chuckled, flicking the brat's forehead with his finger. "I'll treat you to a BBQ tomorrow. Just eat supermarket food for today."

 

"Yes." The glutton raised his hands, cheering. "What about my tutor fee?"

 

Teerayu felt like something was stuck in his throat. "Will it roll over, do?"

"You're sure?" Said Win's low, raspy voice.

 

After a second thought, the young man shook his head. It wasn't worth it. Team sighed slowly before deciding to push the tall figure to sit on a bed. He pulled the necktie off his neck and held it in his hand, a smile curling his lips. "Stay still, Hia."

 

Win never broke his promise.  Team looked at all the ingredients for BBQ. The quantity wasn't just for two people but for ten. The Wanichakarnjongkul family welcomed many guests today, while the eldest and youngest children of the house were fixated on a video game.

 

Their father watched TV in the other corner, uninterrupted. Their mother and the housekeeper were busy preparing things in the kitchen. At the table full of fresh foods, Win, Pharm, and Dean unpacked the meat to marinate them.

 

Team studied Tul with interest. He had recently met him; he was Dean and Win's friend. There was something suspicious about him. Team felt familiarity.

 

"Wiew, get more plates from the kitchen," Win called to his brother. "Yes, sir!" His brother didn't stall; he dropped his game controller and ran to the kitchen.

 

Waan mentally yelled 'damn' as his brother left him on his own; his character wouldn't survive this game alone.

 

"Man!"

 

"I'll give you a hand."

 

An unfamiliar face dropped to sit by his side; his figure was as tall as Win's. His dark brows and a smile tugging at the corner of his lips made Waan frown. He was about to say, "Just let it be game over," but when he saw the other smoothly take control of Wiew's character, supporting him better than Wiew did, Waan held his tongue. 

 

After a moment, Waan felt that the way Tul used skills and control in the game was too recognisable.

 

"Oh, ai Tul. Aren't you dawdling?" Phawin threw a tissue box at his friend, who left his assigned task in favour of gaming. Tul dodged the box and laughed.

 

"Just a little. I haven't played in a while." The way he spoke and his slightly hoarse voice were noticeable.

 

"Really? I always see you at it." Tul stopped before looking into Waan's eyes.

 

"Because the one I love teasing in this game doesn't show up lately. So I don't feel like playing."

 

Waan's jaw dropped open, his eyes widened, and so did Team's, who was standing nearby. It was a small world after all.

 

"What's with that face, Mr.?" Tul waggled his eyebrows in self-satisfaction. This voice was T. rex!!

 

"Damn it!!" Waan and Team yelled in unison. Phawin frowned, handed a pork to Pharm to marinate, and walked in front of the TV.

 

"What happened? Hia Waan, you know this guy?" Win looked at his brother, making faces. "Oh yeah. He's also a gamer. Tul plays the same game as you do."

 

"Know him, my ass!" Waan instantly denied it, turning off the game. How could T-Rex know his real identity!?

 

This BBQ meal was filled with a mixed atmosphere. Team didn't quite know how to react. The food was good, as expected of Pharm's marinating skill and the spicy dipping sauce. But seeing Waan and Tul, Team felt as if he had a grilled pork stuck in his throat. 

 

They had been fighting in an online game all along, and it turned out to be someone so close. Win's father was occupied with the BBQ that Win's mom grilled for him. Not to mention Pharm and Dean, who were now in their own little world, regardless of where they were now.

 

"Here."

 

A piece of delicious-looking grilled pork was placed on his plate. Team beamed at Wiew. This guy had already become his little brother.

 

"That's my job." Win snatched that piece of pork to eat it himself before giving Team the ones he grilled.

 

"Hey, what the hell, Hia? I'm servicing Hia Team!"

 

Phawin smacked his brother's hand with his chopsticks. "You don't have to do it. He's my boyfriend. I take care of him myself!"

 

Fuck!!

 

Team choked on the pork. He pounded his chest before someone handed him a glass of water to swallow so that he could breathe again. He broke into a sweat as the whole table went quiet, save for the sizzling from the grilling plate. Even Pharm's jaw dropped, yet his eyes shone like he was already planning to tease him later.

 

"What?" Wiew's eyes bulged.

 

Phawin arched his brow, looking at his family members before he oh-ed audibly. 

 

"Sorry, I'm a bit late saying this. Pa, Ma, Hia Waan, Wiew. This's Team, he's my boyfriend now."

 

"Hia!" Team almost jumped to clamp Win's mouth shut. Why was he coming out without telling him first?

 

"Oh? Finally?" Win's mother got more pork to drop on Team's plate. "Eat more, son. You'll need it. Win is finicky."

 

"I thought you got friend-zoned." Waan laughed, recalling the day his brother called to consult him seriously.

 

"What about Waan?" Their mother suddenly changed track. 

 

Waan jumped and stammered his 'no.' He stomped on Tul's feet when the guy laughed next to him.

 

"Don't bother Win's boyfriend,, their father warned the youngest child after being silent for so long. "Give them space."

 

Wiew understood after his fit of confusion, but frowned harder as he looked at his brother and his brother's boyfriend.

 

"Pa, so what do I do now?" The father of the household sipped his tea after a meal. "What?" 

 

"About Hia Team, do I call him Sor' Team now?" Team face-palmed. Sometimes, he really wasn't following the Wanichakarnjonkul family.

 

Reaching his dormitory, Team slid down on the floor in exhaustion. Though Win's parents were very accepting, Team couldn't shake off his worries. Win stayed at his parents' home while Team wanted to return to his dorm to gain a firm foothold, which Win understood. Before they parted, he asked Win why he had suddenly come out to his family. Win shrugged and responded in a relaxed manner.

 

"I just wanted to be open to my family. And I want you to come here often. Having you as my boyfriend is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I want to share this joy with them."

 

He just wanted to share his happiness with his family. Win said this might not work with other families, but he knew his family was accepting.

 

Team pushed himself up from the cold floor. On his desk, he picked up a picture frame, which had been face down, to place it back on like before—a picture of two boys smiling, hugging each other's shoulders.

 

"People tend to worry about things that haven't happened yet. Khun Team, you might like to share your feelings with someone important to you. You might get some good perspective.

 

'[Sor: Sister-in-law in Thai-Chinese. Khun: equivalent to Mr., Ms., or Mrs Precedes a name to show respect, regardless of age and gender.]

 

The doctor's words came to mind. His childhood fears made him build a wall around himself, closing his eyes, ears, and heart to everyone. He escaped from the past without giving much thought to the people around him. Since the day he lost his brother, he dared not look his parents in the eyes. Their family never opened up to each other. Everyone was stuck in the painful past.

 

Team picked up the phone to make a call. When the other end picked up, he responded with a smile.

 

"Mom, I'm coming back."

 

It was time for him to move on.